Recently I have been visiting more social media platforms and sharing the amazingness that is Unimed Living and other sites related to the powerful wisdom brought through by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. A simple choice to be more accepting, open and engaging in these platforms transformed into a journey that painfully exposed where I was truly at in relation to expression and my relationship with knowledge.
Expressing is pretty simple to do, but has it felt simple?
I have literally spent hours fighting old identities, self-doubt and paranoia. I have also endured lots of excitement, anxiousness and the inevitable exhaustion that followed such emotional experiences. I have tried not writing, sharing or commenting when I am tired, when it feels I am pushing through or when there are distractions around. However I would often still feel very self-conscious and embarrassed after having expressed on social media.
This made me question myself: is this worth it? I considered stopping myself from expressing this openly on any social media. However, holding back and hiding didn´t feel right either; it felt like self-sabotage. So I decided to stay open and super honest, to support my body with the Gentle Breath Meditation and online Gentle Yoga classes and let it all unfold deeply. What immediately came up was the issue of recognition and looking for acceptance from others: “What will my old friends and acquaintances think of me?” I was feeling this as I realised none of my current expressions matched any of my past identities.
How am I going to survive not getting as many likes as I could get if I was sharing some art and cool pictures, music videos, ecological or political stuff or Buddhist quotes?
I then felt how much we are measured in our virtual world in terms of likes: like me or I shall endure the icy silence that I interpret as a discouraging disinterest or disapproval. I even considered a possibility that someone might block me. Crazy. And then another issue kicked in – how am I going to resist the excitement of my own worth being confirmed every time a ‘like’ is clicked? Double crazy.
I realised how social media was triggering many unresolved issues that were getting in the way of my decision to build consistency and commitment with expressing in a way I felt impulsed to. As a reaction I just wanted to hide and go back into ‘safety’ mode again, and to stop expressing.
This issue about recognition and shame needed to be addressed before I could continue and get to a more truthful quality in my expression. A deep questioning came next which wasn´t nice to feel, but necessary in order to understand what sort of thing I was bringing that was making me feel uncomfortable and dishonest.
- Have I perhaps got too excited with knowledge in the past, to the point that I got tempted to take ownership of it and use it for recognition?
- Have I invested in knowledge to fill up my bottomless pit of lack of self-worth and to cover up my hurts by becoming smug, self-righteous and by preaching to others?
Making use of knowledge in this way can only keep one trapped in a retarding cycle of praise and rejection, applause and shame. When we are in the applause end, the excitement that it arouses feels like the fakest version of self-empowerment, apart from being totally exhausting. In the shame end we can either fall into indignation or sabotage of our own authority, and insecurity easily creeps in.
I had to deeply question how it is to use knowledge that is not coming from a lived experience and a place of fullness and integrity within myself. I realised that I had also been confusing connection to others and self-empowerment with recognition and prestige, to then land in disgrace and deep self-doubt.
When we genuinely make it about truth, magic does happen, and we are able to constellate connections and conversations with others that can unlock places where we feel stuck, no matter how much knowledge is at hand in our minds.
This process and connection led me to a deeper understanding of the fact that if I put “me” in the way when I express, that is, when I come from a need for recognition and identification, I fall in the struggle of recalling information, making it mine, and investing in outcomes as in people will get it or like it.
However what I have recently begun to consider is:
What if there is indeed lots of wisdom that can come through me, but because I can get stuck in old patterns of owning knowledge and a tendency to preach, I am getting in the way of true purpose and great intelligence to come through me?
Without the need to fall into further shame, punishment or to make further ‘stories’, – nowadays whenever I feel the impulse to share something from my heart, I am more able to distinguish the deceptive denseness and processing I can go into, and know it is there to distract me and inhibit further a deeper connection with my heart.
This has nothing to do with my truth: it is something I am responsible for allowing from time to time, but that will eventually fade more and more as I let go of my identification with knowledge, and as my commitment to self-love deepens and I remember how it is to express truthfully from living this love and commitment to myself, which requires no recognition or identification from the outside.
Even if I make mistakes, it feels awesome to not hold back anymore, and to claim my expression back. I now know my expression is not mine, it comes from the whole and it is for the whole which I am part of too, and this makes a huge and totally different story.
Each day I am learning more that ‘Expression is Everything’ and that I am just a vehicle of expression. All I need to do is carry on committing to the refinement of the way I live, the way I connect to myself and my body and the relationship and commitment I have with a greater purpose.
By Luz H H. Bogotá, Colombia