Recently on an early morning walk I felt how sweet I am and how delicately and flowingly my body actually moves. Through the reflection of my shadow, I watched how my body moved without any imposition, with true flow and freedom. Even though I was moving, this delicateness and lightness had a quality of stillness about it that was simply lovely – unimposingly delicious, innocent, tender, delicate, open and what I call and can sum up as ‘sweet’.
This somewhat surprised me because a couple of weeks ago it was suggested I use ‘feeling the sweetness of my voice’ in a blog I was writing. But at that time I could not accept this– especially regarding my voice. As words to describe myself, or my voice, I could accept loving, strong, loyal and dedicated but not being sweet.
As I continued my early morning walk, I was able to claim that sweetness was something that lay within me. However, when I changed direction and my shadow moved to my side or even behind me I didn’t quite feel the same quality in my body – I didn’t feel like I walked with the true and absolute authority of knowing without any doubt or questioning that sweetness was me in every aspect of my being and body. So I asked myself… if I only feel this innate quality when my shadow is in front of me, have I truly claimed and accepted how deeply sweet and still I am?
The answer to this question was clearly no, even though it was so obvious in my shadow and the way it reflected my movement, my walking, the way my hair was shaped, etc.
I then posed these questions to myself . . .
- What has come in the way of my knowing that this quality has always been there? Basically I had worked out from a young age that this sweetness and sensitivity does not get seen, nurtured or even honored so I very quickly became the strong independent child who didn’t seem to bother about things and seemed to be able to handle life, but deep down I had many things that if someone had truly asked how I felt, I probably would have cried. I learned to suppress the way I was feeling. I have used many forms of protection, such as being forcefully direct, exercising my body to make it hard, using the ‘happy go lucky girl’ facade, reacting to some situations and being over the top at times
- Does self-doubt, self-sabotage and being hard prevent me from even recognising this quality that has always lain deep within me?
- Why did I not trust the power of this innate quality all along? It is something I know others feel when I allow it to be there. The trick was sadly falling for the hardening route as I now know that being in true connection with this sweetness and allowing myself to be sensitive has an amazing strength and power.
As I continued my walk, I played with keeping the knowing that I am sweet in my body even when my shadow was behind me…
- I realised that I was not able to really see or appreciate the sweetness in others due to my hardening. I had used this hardness as a type of defence to protect me from getting hurt and to not allow others to get too close
- The ripple effect of my allowing this quality to be expressed would be a reflection and an opportunity for my daughter to allow her natural sweetness to be there too.
After finishing my early morning walk I began to look at ways to allow myself to support this quality to remain in its full presence all of the time, such as when I sit on my chair at work or at the dinner table, when I am brushing my teeth, when I am pouring hot water from the kettle to make a cup of tea, when I am hugging my daughter, when I am holding my husband’s hand or when I am smiling at a stranger or someone I know.
Since then I have come to fully appreciate how sweet I am and I continue to allow it to be there in every part of my day, just as it was reflected to me in my shadow. Now I feel this as I gently move, walk or speak. It is now something that I know is me in full, and not a surprise, but a quality that I already feel in my body, and appreciate and know is me when I see it in my reflection.
By Johanna Smith, Bachelor of Education, Perth WA