I made a choice in my childhood to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love, or so I thought. In essence, I wanted to be seen by my parents and I wanted their affection, so I found a way where I knew I could make this happen.
To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true, an inner strength and clarity, the love that I am, and I exchanged this for something that is nothing compared to the knowingness to be found in this innate way of being.
I became the ‘good girl’ of the family. When my siblings and parents fought with each other, which was often, I could feel the disharmony in the house, and so I became very ‘good’.
I didn’t talk or when I did talk, I changed my voice and spoke to them in a different way so not to disturb. I became the peace keeper, the daughter who didn’t cause any problems. I was finely attuned to where everyone was at; I could say the right things at the right time and did all my chores diligently. I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.
But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!
It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.
In my teenage years I became extremely rebellious and flipped the household for a few years with my antics, but eventually, when that didn’t bring me any joy, I returned to the good girl extending my repertoire to the good student, the good worker, the good friend, the good girlfriend, the good wife and the good mother. Life became about getting it ‘right’ and following what society said to believe, and how to be.
Instead of holding my love for myself and knowing I was enough, I chose to seek approval and tenderness from other people. And seeking is truly the word, for it led me far and wide, continually missing the point – that love can only be nurtured within myself, something that I was reminded of when I came to Universal Medicine.
I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly. I also refused to deal with any tension that I felt in my relationships.
Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, because if I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, then I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict. This wasn’t what a good girl does, and more to the point, this wasn’t what I was prepared to do.
Giving My Power Away At Work
At the organisation where I work there are consequences for people who have a voice, and so this was the perfect playground as it gave me an excuse to hide and be good. In doing so, I made the choice to give my power away to others, I said “Yes” instead of saying “No”, I allowed myself to be overworked and mistreated, and held back from saying what I really wanted to say.
I had no idea until now, how much anger and sadness was within me for having made this choice to be good. I was quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self.
As I began to head down the path and leave ‘good’ behind and started to embrace a way that was more true to me, I was plagued by fear and thoughts that wanted me to stay comfortable in my familiar ways.
Thoughts like – How could I express how I truly felt when I had no positional power in the organization? How could I point out that it felt awful to be treated as less and for my contributions to be dismissed? How could I say that I was not spoken to as a person? How could I point out in an organisation that puts intelligence on a pedestal that the textbooks were not giving us the answers to life – we just had to look around and see how harshly we were treating each other.
Despite such thoughts, I began to honour myself and allow love to be expressed in the activities, and tasks, that made up my day. I became far more open and honest, and would say what I felt without holding back and pretending to be good.
This was the start of a process of re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply. The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised. More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.
This was not an overnight fix to a life of hiding, but it was about not letting things be buried because they were too hard to deal with.
When I expressed from my heart with love, many responded warmly to my openness, and we began to share in a way which was much more intimate and affectionate. Managers started conversations with me about issues in the workplace and they became curious as to my views on workplace relationship issues.
Not everyone, of course, responded so well and reacted as the ‘good girl’ mask dropped away. Some became uncomfortable, because being ‘me’ and honouring myself meant that I was different from how they once knew me to be and, of course, I was far more responsible.
When tension developed, and sometimes it did, as long as I stayed connected to myself and held the power of my loving ways, I found I could stand strong in the truth of what I was feeling play out before me, not in any emotional sense where blame and accusations are made, but just listening and feeling what was going on under the words, and staying open and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Sometimes we would come to a place that felt true for us both, and sometimes we did not.
A Loving Reflection Of Claiming Your Power
Like an angel showing me the way, this week I had the opportunity to observe a woman claiming her power in full. As I observed her interact and present to the audience, I could feel her inner strength, her self-reflection, her ability to see right through any power game or irresponsibility.
She was articulate, expressed in a way where there was love and not an ounce of judgment of another, she did not run from conflict but stood solid in herself, open and willing to resolve whatever the problem or matter was that was before her. I was completely inspired and in awe.
I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.
The path I once chose – to be good and polite, instead of honest and self-honoring, did not serve me well, and I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices – the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way. This woman had re-claimed her power, and now I feel it is time for me to do it too.
In appreciation to Serge Benhayon for the amazing reflections of true power, a power that comes from love, that emanates and reflects absolute responsibility and integrity… and, of course, to this gorgeous woman for offering a reflection, a gorgeous reminder of the power that lay within us all.
By MAS, Australia
Further Reading:
Self-Appreciation and Acceptance Bring True Presence
How Amazing it Feels to Be Myself
Truth – Expressing In Full
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
There are so many statements that I would like to quote from this sharing. The biggest thing I’m realising is the ‘good’ that’s so in my face and observing people pretzeling themselves to be liked, to be accepted, etc. Yet deep within many of them is the wanting to burst out of their pretzelled body. What I observe is the fury or anger that permeates through their pores as they continue to live this life of falsities.
Upon re-reading this blog, these statements spoke to me, ‘I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices – the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way. This woman had re-claimed her power, and now I feel it is time for me to do it too’. This feels this is my next step to re-claiming myself in the absoluteness of who and what I am here to bring.
‘The choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way. This woman had re-claimed her power’, says it all for me. This reflection is what the world needs more and more. People standing for their truth. It doesn’t require any protesting, riots or anything violent and aggressive, it requires us to be us. As in the former behaviour, the world can get off, because there’s a demand for it too. The latter speaks louder and offer a reflection to others too.
That’s all we need to be in this world, ‘amazing reflections of true power that comes from love, that emanates and reflects absolute responsibility and integrity’.
To stand for truth means being unpopular amongst the many. For what it brings forth is the choices that has separated them so far from what they truly are.
Once upon a time when I observed this in another, I would go into huge reaction and jealousy as I was so far away from living this way at that time in my life; ‘I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices’.
I totally understand this blog, as I ponder on the being good between my siblings and I understand why we did what we did to get by in this world. As I have become more aware of this, I observe it more and more in others and how people love the good compared to the obvious in your face, anger.
Hidden in any emotions is something we cannot fathom until we awaken to the games at play of life. When we are exposed to these, then we observe life through other spectacles. There’s more to life then being in a physical body…
Currently at work, I’m receiving the ramifications of someone who has taken the ‘good’ stance. In that, instead of receiving the reflection, they are in constant reaction to what is on offer. It is quite evil what another human can project upon another and the antidote? Is to continue to make those choices of love and be that constant mirror.
From talking with people the situation described in this blog is fairly common, whereby people give up on their true self and start ‘being’ what they think another wants them to be, to supposedly get, recognition, acceptance, or love.
From an early age we can take on a shape or behaviour so we do not stand out and this comes in all flavours. We are often drawn to the niceness and good behaviours and we stay away from the angry. Why is that? Yet if we unpack it, the niceness is far more insidious then the one who is blatant about their feelings.
We need to be accepting of the all, and these behaviours are birthed somewhere so we can survive. Get to the root cause of these and then we are empowered to handle anything.
Yes I agree, this good is debilitating for our lives, its probably worse then being bad, as in the bad, the behaviour is in your face. Whilst the good keeps everyone where they are at too.
There is a student in my work environment and that good in her is quite disturbing and underneath I have seen a volcano ready to erupt. From time to time, it comes through, and it isn’t pleasant when you are on the receiving end of it either. All that pent up feelings ready to be hurled at someone isn’t acceptable when that person has chosen that for themselves and, in some ways understandable to fit into life and being accepted by others.
Somewhere along the way I have played this game too, and the holding back of true expression was one of my games. It is a working progress but the fact that I have chosen to do something about it, is the key and in this the consequences are people are going to be affected one way or the other. A reflection and an offering for all that there is another way…
Giving my power away = Overriding what I know to be true. Which means that my power hasn’t gone anywhere but has a layer on top of it I give more energy to…
I too have played the ‘good’ and ‘nice’ cards most of my life and hence with this I have hidden and ‘felt safe’ from the reactions of others. It does take a while to break this habit and though I have come a long way, I am still learning to be honest and just say things as they are rather than trying to be nice about something in orde to not ruffle someone else’s feathers.
It doesn’t make any difference whether it is ‘good’ or the ‘bad’ game we play, this is not who we are. Either of them eventually exhausts us, the key is that we are doing something about it, to become equal to all is better than staying in the game…
Trading our true power for ‘being nice and liked’ is not such a good trade off when you really look at what you get (the short end of the stick)! But we still can so easily get sucked into this deal! Crazy really when you think about it!
Allowing ourselves to feel our power but also to be seen in our power can be a challenge in our society because of how others may react to this, and how sensitive we can be to their reactions. And yet, it is what we are here to offer those around us (and ourselves) and hence remind us all of what we are all capable of.
This is a great point you make MAS
“How could I point out in an organisation that puts intelligence on a pedestal that the textbooks were not giving us the answers to life – we just had to look around and see how harshly we were treating each other.”
I don’t feel we are on masse quite there yet with this understanding but the evidence is all around us we are just turning a blind eye to the abuse.
I went through a period of being incredibly nice and good, ingratiatingly so and it felt like I was permanently waving a white flag in front of my face.
Yes, I have also done the nice, good, and quiet girl, so can really relate with this blog, ‘I had no idea until now, how much anger and sadness was within me for having made this choice to be good. I was quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self.’
Thank you for your honesty MAS. I have also played the good girl but for me it was not so much anger – although there was that – but resentment that built up inside….resentment born of frustration .Any and every emotion is harmful both to the one expressing it and the one to whom it is directed and the impact of this spreads far and wide energetically. So brilliant that we can see this and let the process of clearing out that energy from the body begin and also, be more aware not to let it build up again.
Good and nice can be a false front for what is truly going on behind the mask, whether it is anger, resentment, bitterness, or whatever, all of these ways of behaving are creating ill health, and feel horrible for everyone connected with the situation.
I have come to realise that when we hold back it is incredibly irritating for others around us. We can feel like a victim but actually we are creating the complication we are moaning about!
So well said Lucy – the moment we hold back on our full expression, there is this irritation and annoyance as we know that something has not been said, done or delivered in full. And then so often, as you have said, we can not seek to take the responsibility for our lack of expression and instead create a drama or issue around it. What crazy games we are geniuses at playing!
Total geniuses – or should I say total wayward geniuses because there is nothing smart about causing drama for another when we are not willing to deal with our own emotional baggage.
There is such a vast difference between ‘good’ and’ true’.
The choice to consistently claim back our own power is inevitable and inspiring, it can only deepen.
‘Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.’ The magnificence of who we truly are.
Thank you MAS. I agree with making work about relationships first. This has always worked for me.
There is no truth or love when we live ‘good’.
No, there is only falseness, giving up on our truth, and love, ‘ I wanted to be seen by my parents and I wanted their affection, so I found a way where I knew I could make this happen.’
I gave my power away very early on in life to avoid feeling jealousy. You don’t realise that adults can be jealous of you as a baby or young child but it makes sense. If there is more love and care for you than the partner there will be resentment and jealousy. One parent can feel left out, resentful and jealous of the relationship the other parent has with the child, that may have previously been exclusively between the parents. I agree that giving your power away is not worth it. I have realised that when I chose this, I cut off my connection to divinity – exactly where true power comes from.
It is so easy to think that by being good we are left alone by challenges in life. We might not be super challenged or have opposing view situations but life gets really flat and we are not truly left alone either because there will always arise more challenges situations if we don’t learn to deal with them. I found learning to deal with these challenging situations is the only way of making life less challenging.
Yes I would agree with this, playing good doesn’t actually make anything go away, you just strangle your natural expression which makes it more complicated when you unleash your true self!!!
Something we could all certainly utilise more is our “ability to see right through any power game or irresponsibility”. To say that only a few people have this skill to see through lies isn’t true, as for many of us we have some kind of standard of honesty or truth and we are aware when someone is speaking words that do not make sense to this.
Yes, we do know, we just decide we don’t know how to deal with it or decide it is ‘bigger than us’ which is simply not true.
Being nice is a cul-de-sac with an altar at the end of it; the one we have sacrificed ourselves on.
Good, nice and quiet all feel small and feeble when compared to being connected to my essence. That doesn’t feel small at all but very solid, still and powerful against any emotions or disharmony that might be around.
Its horrible to read, but very common and likewise I too have given up being me for ‘this’ in the past, accepted less than love as I have felt so empty that its poorly second cousin (acceptance) has been settled on as enough.
I can very much relate to what has been written here as growing up things could get quite hairy and stressful at times so, adjusting to the situation so as not to get noticed was the preferred tactic of protection and made sense at that time. But what we don’t realise is that this tactic of protection is a trick and can play out for the rest of our lives, and can become an ingrained behaviour of which we can dwell in for our whole life.
Yes, so how amazing that many of us are recognising the falseness, and now choosing to live with love and truth, ‘This was the start of a process of re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply. The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised.’
We cannot move on from being the ‘good girl’ until we realise how much relish it and crave it from the irresponsibility it offers. Only then can we begin to feel just how harm-full it really is and how much we no longer want to choose it.
Yes when we are being good to be good we are hiding from the world and living in our own illusion and living off the comfort this offers.
Is it giving our power away or is art more burying/renouncing to a part of us that is our true anchor?
‘the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way.’ I love these three qualities all bunched together here. Together they build a powerful pyramid and a strong healing vibration.
“I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly.” This shows clearly how much our bodies love us and how much they know/live/are the truth. Because they dont let us get away with it, it is a deep calling for us to live honestly and our truth. The best friend we could ever have.
We strive for a “good life” but it actually leads to unhappiness and dis-ease.
I can feel that the pattern of being good to fit in and not make waves/ stay hidden is much older than this life for me. We learn to play it safe to be left alone, whilst not realising how imprisoning this is for ourselves and everyone else. I know how awful and unnatural ‘good’ feels in my body now and how it does not allow me to feel and be the real me.
“I wanted to be seen by my parents and I wanted their affection, so I found a way where I knew I could make this happen.” This is at the core of so much ‘good’ and in fact ‘bad’ behaviour.
Conflict and arguments at home are like torture for children who will blame themselves for it and think they have done something wrong. From there they will do anything to ‘make it better’, try to stay under the radar and frequently resort to a persona of being nice, not making any waves and generally fitting in.
I want to keep coming back to read this blog because each time I do I am reminded of how familiar it is to fall for the game of life that has us so hoodwinked. Inspiring women who don’t play small are vital reflections in our lives.
You expose being ‘good’ very well. I have made being ‘good’ also my badge of honor and I can see now how that does not work. I always wondered why I would be more frustrated and reactive lately and this is because being ‘good’ is just something you cannot keep doing for a long time without getting frustrated by not being your true self.
This is a timely read for me as it feels like I am experiencing the consequences of my being good or whatever I perceived as desirable/expected/fitting. It’s so insidious because I was so good at it, it gave me an appearance and momentum of ‘getting along’ and I didn’t realise how much I was holding back and there was so much not expressed that has been accumulating over time. And my first attempt to deconstruct this mountain came as a burst of huge reaction to something that would have passed as ok previously. Feeling through what was beneath it all, the hurt, the preconception, the judgment and the sympathy and all, what I am feeling is we can never get away with not being our true selves.
When we make life about committing to love and truth everything changes and that in itself is so very, very much more rewarding beyond words than anything else. It is not about imposing on anyone else but our vibration changes. Some people love it and some react and don’t like it at all – but regardless of how people respond or react we have the love that we have been seeking because we are that, we are all that and in our choice we have connected to that!
Yes, I was a good little girl but the pendulum swung and as a teenage I was far from ‘good’ and then it swung back as I became a mother and when my children hit their teenage years I swung away from ‘good’ again . . . . all very embarrassing, I might add! A much more stable existence begun through my coming across Universal Medicine and at last that pendulum stopped swinging.
Ha ha, yeah whether we are playing the ‘goodie’ or ‘baddie’ both are in reaction. We all truly want to be loved and respected for who we are, though if we are not true to ourselves it is just a different game with the same outcome.
Yes so true Victoria and the outcome is always going to add up to some form of identification.
I have played both the extreme goody and the extreme baddie. Both roles served the same purpose, they had the effect of getting people to back off and keep their distance. People might think that being nice invites people in but it doesn’t, it ensures they stay away as nothing real is being shown and so there is no true invitation to get closer.
It is such a common thing for children (and adults) to give their power away ie stop being their true selves in order to get attention. Some do it by being good like you describe and others do the same thing by being “bad” and there are many other ways. However, all ways have one thing in common – they don’t work. Attention is not love and will never satisfy, and being anything other than our true selves will always leave us somewhere between unsettlement and devastation.
When a woman chooses to allow her power and grace to be seen by all she blesses the world.
A woman in her true power is indeed a blessing for all, ‘She was articulate, expressed in a way where there was love and not an ounce of judgment of another, she did not run from conflict but stood solid in herself, open and willing to resolve whatever the problem or matter was that was before her. I was completely inspired and in awe.’
Bit by bit, step by step we can choose to truly live from how we feel too, drop the pretenses and in so doing restore not only ourselves, but offer a benchmark for others to do the same.
“I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly. I also refused to deal with any tension that I felt in my relationships.”
I know this way of living very well and what is so very concerning is that many others do too. The reality is that this life choice can be changed.
Yes and we should be asking the question about how many people are living deeply unhappy or lost but are not prepared to change in case they become unpopular.
There is a lot of control in nice, polite and good. I have also used this form of control to avoid conflict, keep people happy (off my back) and fly under the radar. This continued quite strongly as a default pattern until I met someone who this didn’t work for. Although confronting at the time, it was a blessing as it made me see how manipulative being nice is and how it’s all for ourselves, disguised as being for others.
I know for years I fell for the trap of ‘good’ as I wanted to please others and to be liked, it is exhausting when we constantly give our power away and reduce ourselves in this way. So beautiful MAS to hear of your turnaround and claiming your power and truth, the reflection of this lived in the world is very much needed so others can also re-claim themselves in this way.
What hides behind the facade of good is definitely something worth pondering on.
Good can seem like the answer for a while. But when it starts to fail you, as all false ways of being inevitably do, it leaves you feeling rather jaded and resentful. I have chosen good as a default for some time in my relationships with people and it sells me and them short. What is perhaps worse was my trying to be good with God. I am ever thankful to Universal Medicine, who supported me to reclaim my equal divinity with God and know him within me. He is who I am.
“re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply” Love is all powerful.
“How could I express how I truly felt when I had no positional power in the organization?” – I have just recently noticed just how much this type of self-doubting inner dialogue can handicap us and is actually false when we allow what we are feeling to be expressed without reservation. When I began to call out things I observed in my work that were either unsafe, inconsiderate, or downright abusive, it was at first not an easy thing to do as I became vulnerable to severe criticism and sometimes even retaliation and games being played from the people who were not willing to accept the level of responsibility and integrity I was offering. But in the end, the Truth of what we express will always outlast the games, and it certainly has in my case where others that had witnessed the same abuse came together and then spoke up as well. We are so powerful when we get out of our own way.
By doing good we open ourselves to the judgment of others. By being true we are untouchable by judgment or opinion.
Being good substitutes for not being true and loving. The recognition that comes from doing good not just seeks attention from others but tries to fill the emptiness of missing oneself, one´s integrity and inner truth.
“I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.” This is so inspiring and what i am realising for myself in so many ways and is a beautiful knowing to life our life.
Such a mix reading this, joy to read a fellow human being stepping out of what is not them and learning to live more of them, and sadness for how many stories (including my own) there are similar to this. How many people out there are living ‘good’ lives, and I saw how clearly that being ‘good’ is not really a ‘good’ thing. And I loved the line about watching that other woman who was not afraid to step away from the problem/responsibility in front of her. Inspiring.
Being good can never work as one cannot be good for very long before they are bad again as good and bad are simply two sides of the same coin.
When we grow up we find our niche; our way to be in the world. It remains with us and we hold on to it. It is our go-to place that helps us in a two fold way. It helps us when we feel troubled. It also helps us to avoid venturing into the open air of just feeling that inside of us we have everything we need.
When we start to be able to feel energy, goodness is revealed for what it truly is
‘to be good and polite, instead of honest and self-honoring, did not serve me well’ So many people and it seems, especially women, fall for the easy, or so it seems, route, of giving our power away but this only leaves residues of resentment in the body over time which can even lead to bitterness and a really ugly relating with ourselves and the world. To begin to turn this around is a very healing stance and in healing our relationship with ourselves we consequently heal our relationship with others. Honesty and self honouring is a great way to start.
Changing ourselves to fit into another’s picture will never work longterm because we are living a lie, and the lies have a way of outing themselves eventually.
I can very much relate to your blog MAS. I know there are many ways we give our power away but it is never too late to re-claim our power and live who we are. It is liberating and empowering once we realise what we have been choosing and learn to make choices that truly supports us and others to live in our power.
We have to permanently be giving our power away in order for us not to consciously know that we are the Livingness of God because The Livingness of God is literally who we all are.
Not giving our power away, being honest, standing for the truth, and no matter what being true to yourself can take courage as the world doesn’t always want this and the backlash can be ugly, it’s really a question of our principles and standards and what kind of life we want to lead – and whether this is more important to us than anything else.
We must all return to being bastians of the truth because in truth we are the truth.
From being good and polite, and how that never works, to re-claiming your truth and expressing that in full is the way forward too in my experience.
‘I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices.’ This revelation is spot on and allows us to be inspired by another but know that we are the same deep down. This is a responsible way to observe others which is part of accepting the choices we have made for ourselves and when we are inspired by another we give ourselves permission to make true choices too.
I love how you are re-claiming your power, I too am choosing that, to love, honour and cherish myself, who I am in truth, ‘This was the start of a process of re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply. The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised’. Beautiful to read about this unfolding process.
To be honest it wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and started to unpick the way I was living at the time that I came to realise just how much I depended on other peoples approval to say I was okay. I had no understanding that there was love in my body, if only I would turn inwards and nurture myself. I have come to understand that constantly looking outside of oneself for approval and recognition is a trick to keep us in the unsettlement and in this state we cannot come to the stillness we all naturally come from.
If we decide to be good (and we do decide.) then we give away our power to be the love we are … this is huge, for instantly we are not being who we are and not bringing all that we are, and innately we are love so we are denaturing ourselves. An awesome insight thank you.
We do ourselves and our children a disservice teaching that we need to be “good” to get the reward etc. Just saying the word feels oppressive and limiting of who we truly are.! Capping us!
Being the “good” girl was definitely a role that I took on and when I look back at it now it feels like such a suppression of who I truly am as any form of “good’ or “bad” or “right” and “wrong” separates us from ourselves and each other.
Being good and polite serves absolutely no one, least of all ourselves. We do it to control, to not rock the boat and allow others to feel the tension they’re in, but actually, rocking the boat by expressing what we can feel is the most loving, healing thing we can do – rather than leave it pent up inside our own bodies, and them, unaware of what it is that they’re reacting to. Expressing what we can feel can be a point of inspiration and evolution, and it’s not just through words: we express so much through how we move.
“every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love”. Now this is one absolute reason to replace being good with being true, after all being good is in no way a natural way to live whereas being true is simple and effortless as it is in total harmony with our body and being.
Being the good girl for me meant striving and pushing myself to be something I was not and when I did not get attention or the praise for what I did, I continued to seek other ways in which to win their affection. It is only when I began to get really honest and take the time to stop and see what effect this had on my body and life to know that the push and strive was only pushing me further from the simplicity of simply enjoying and connecting to who I truly was. Letting go of the trying to be something or someone, allows for the space to simply be honest and open to the what is and that is the true love and intimacy we can offer ourselves from shedding the old layers that we are not.
The good person is just a peacekeeper. A person that is in reaction to others reactions of them being the full love and truth they naturally are. They are living contracted as I have done in my life and this is a sure way to get illness and disease in your life.
Great point to highlight Joshua, I know I played the role of being ‘good’ for many years and ended up exhausted and living with dis-ease.
Being a nice girl and being good is a sell out as you point out, a giving up on our truth and power, ‘ I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.’
I have become aware that the reason I gave my power away, has been very much to do with my unwillingness to want to take full responsibility for certain situations…and it is from this that I have become more aware of why I would do this….I am in no doubt that there are no victims here, when we act like we do not know, or have no choice it is because we are denying the wisdom that naturally have within.
‘It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.’ This sentence rang true for me, I played to being the ‘good girl’ as a child, in order to keep the peace amongst the tension I felt. I stopped being me, in exchange for attention and recognition which like you soon became rebelling. The rebelling was a relief from the tension and I continued this pattern for years to come until the point where I eventually accepted that it wasn’t working either. It was around this point that I came across the teachings of Universal Medicine and I am so thankful I did as I’m not sure where I would be right now if I had continued on the path I was on.
Thankyou MAS for this line “More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.” Inspiring words, those two areas need not be part of our lives when we choose to be and live from the love we naturally are.
‘It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.’ I have had a finger aching around a joint this week, an arthritic condition . For me this signals anger in the body. I had not let myself feel this anger, too busy with avoidance techniques and strategies. Now I cannot deny it and am being given another chance to look at it, feel the consequences, revisit the big picture and get back on track so to speak.
I too sold out, giving my power away, what a rubbish deal, I will never do this again, ‘giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true, an inner strength and clarity, the love that I am, and I exchanged this for something that is nothing compared to the knowingness to be found in this innate way of being.’
‘But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ This statement struck a chord with me. The idea of trying so hard to please and still getting no thanks, or worse criticism was indeed devastating. These days I can live with myself and others with more ease because being true to myself is its own reward, and I no longer need anyone else to tell me how great I’m doing.
It can come as quite a shock to realise that there is more abuse in ‘good’ then there is in more overt forms of abuse due to the nature of this form of expression being highly concealed behind a mask of doing what is ‘right’. At least when someone punches you in the face you know you have been hit. When ‘good’ is at play there is a not so subtle manipulation taking place that we don’t even realise is affecting us because all looks well on the surface. In-truth there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in the Body of God. There is only what is true and what is not and then the various judgments we use to crush and condemn each other when neither party lives true to the love that we are.
Self-Love, acceptance and appreciation is great medicine to treat the dis-ease of recognition, lack of self-worth and the need to be right. In other words, we can live medicine every day, if we choose to honour who we are as a being and not a doing.
We are ‘good’ when we feel being our true, natural selves is not enough.
Being good takes an enormous amount of energy, forcing us to live at a lower level than we could otherwise. However, being rebellious has exactly the same issue.
Being good doesn’t seem to happen free of charge. It wants recognition/approval, it wants to be rewarded, and if it doesn’t, here comes resentment and tantrum. I have been good at being good all my life, and it got me through life. So when occasionally love was being asked of me, I would feel panic, as that was the protocol I hardly ever played in. I knew how to be nice and polite, but didn’t even know how to trust, be totally open or genuinely kind. There is no love in being good.
Yes, love offers you the opportunity to be who you are, the beautiful, the ugly, the true, the love, the hurts, everything. If we managed our behaviour that can be hard to deal with but the secret may be simple: Be ready to deal with what comes up.
How we avoid our power by playing along, playing small and being nice – and all the while, discontentment and a tension arises within us that will never leave for we deeply know in not living who we are or expressing our truth, we are living a lie and supporting a lived lie in others.
You could say I mastered being the good polite boy and what good did it actually do me – none really. I was exhausted, struggling to get through the day constantly wanting something to excite me and take me away from the day rigours of life. Whereas bring on truth and I am all there – it is as if my whole body ignites, suddenly purpose kicks in. People then get to see and feel the real me not some mounded character which is trying to win their attention and acceptance. So then I get to enjoy being with them and vice versa as there is no need and definitely no pleasing – and with this magic quite literally happens!
It can sometimes feel, after a lifetime of hiding, that to start to express the truth feels like a monumental mountain to climb – an impossible hurdle that we’ll never overcome. It always helps when we break it down and take one step at a time. I’ve found it starts with honesty with myself: expressing to myself – what am I feeling and why is this? What’s going on here that I’m not wanting to feel and deal with? Is it possible that I don’t want to feel here, so that I don’t have to take responsibility for being me and be seen, which means letting go of the version of myself I’ve created to please others so that I can fit in? Once we start to look at it, the reasons we choose to stay small are always for ourselves, and never about the bigger picture.
Being good and nice, something I excelled in, doesn’t serve at all. There is no truth in good and nice – it was a facade, a pretence, in order to be recognized, approved of and liked. Society seemed to approve of it. But it is now something I too am recovering from – in learning to express my truth, which may come out clumsily, but I’m learning to say ‘oops’!
The choices we make – and not just with the big things – make a huge difference to our lives. The minutiae of life, the teeth cleaning, the hair brushing etc are just as important; but what quality do we bring to these tasks? Do we choose one quality when we have an important meeting, but choose a lesser one when in the comfort of our own homes? Something I am working on myself just now.
Setting up a benchmark that is based on true love allows us to re-imprint everything in our lives, it is an opportunity to evolve and offer true inspiration for all without the pitfalls of living something that we are not at the expense of our bodies.
The tone of my voice and the way in which I speak is a dead give away as to whether I am being true to myself or not… it is something I am becoming much more aware of especially in with people where I can feel I make myself less.
‘Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel’ this oh so neatly describes why good will never work, it’s based on the lie of us denying what we feel and so it cannot sustain itself and leads to resentment and often rage, especially when those who are good do not get the responses they expect or others do not understand and appreciate what they’ve done. I’ve been here and as you describe MAS we sell ourselves for the approval for others, but it’s a constant sell out of ourselves, one that has to be taken again and again and so completely unsustainable. Eventually we come back to the truth of what you feel as you show here, thank you for sharing.
This is such an important conversation to be having. I love that you share it can take a while for people to get used to it because we can be a bit like a bull in a china shop when we first start speaking up about things we have held back! It takes a while to let go of the resentment of the years of holding back and not impose that on others who really are not responsible for our choices.
Being nice and doing good has been my way of being for a great period of my life, but recently I am discovering that I not have been that whole my life. When I was young I was not nice or good at all, I was just me and asked the questions that needed to be asked and sait the things that needed to be said even if it was not received that well and that period of my life felt so free and worry less compared to me living my life in niceness and doing the good things. That remembering made me ponder why I would not return to that innocent way of being and allow myself to live me instead of the dictated ideal of niceness and doing good as actually that serves nobody as it leaves and confirms us in where we are and do not asks us to be more. From this pondering i found that it is not that difficult at all as I know already how to do it as from young. It is just a matter of choice and to let go that old ingrained behaviours.
I love the process you have undertaken in slowly coming back to yourself and letting go of the ‘good girl’ facade. It’s interesting what happens around you when you start to honour yourself and what you feel. Even in an organisation such as the one you describe here, it is possible for shifts to occur. Pretty amazing what we’re capable of.
“Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel.” For me this was set in stone at boarding school, when I was told i wasn’t feeling what I knew I was feeling! So I too settled for being good and nice, and tried to bury what I felt. Reclaiming the true me is still a work in progress, because a ‘nice girl’ needs approval and recognition, in exchange for giving up on myself. My teenage rebellion was being good and nice, mostly out of duty and fear of being rejected by my Dad, with whom I lived. Learning to express how I feel – and now being listened to by people – is transforming this unhealthy outlook on life. “Expression is everything” as Serge Benhayon has shared with us. I so agree.
I would go so far as to say that ‘giving our power away’ is a plague like disease. And the reasons we do it have all been mentioned above. Fear of not being accepted, rocking the boat, responsibility. It can appear to be all to much, but only when we have spent so long pleasing people that anything that looks different to that seems scary. But just as you’ve shared here MAS, it actually inspires others to get real about their own choices, and yeah not everyone will be on board, but hey, the difference in quality of life once we start to make choices that work for us rather than everyone else, far outweighs a ‘nice’ (and often superficial) exchange.
Holding back our truth does not serve anybody as it actually is stopping ways to evolve ourselves and others in this plane of life. Therefore being nice and doing ‘good’ should be addressed as such, as ways we use to hold back that what so naturally lives within and by doing that we keep ourselves trapped in this self created misery we are in.
There is no love in good so it is not good to be good.
This is such a common path for many to follow. When true love is not offered we settle for far less. This often continues on into a future where we continue to bend and contort ourselves in a way that pleases others and contracts our very being. I know for myself, that once true love was felt from another, I started to unravel the falsity that I had played into in order to be liked. I became aware of what true love felt like, and started to feel my worth in claiming this in all my relationships. I now know that it is far more divine to be truly loved than to settle for a like.
Claiming ourselves back is all about the way me move, as it is through our movements that we can close those openings where we entertain any of those thoughts that take us away from the essence of who we are and hold the authority and power of God we hold within ourselves.
From very uncomfortable personal experience, I now know (thanks to Serge Benhayon), that being ‘nice and good’ is a learnt way that is dishonest, manipulative and one very big, fat lie. It serves no-one and leaves us feeling less than, expecting others to be treating us in the same way, which then invites huge resentment when they do not. Definitely, not love.
“I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love”
All those thoughts of doubt and fear are all limited to what comes out of our mouth, as if everything has to be spoken, that the ‘No’ to disempowering ourselves is verbal. I am learning that this is not true and I feel anxious when trying to condense my expression when my body knows that expressing my power is more in the way I move rather than what I say.
‘I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices’. This is absolute truth for us all, total responsibility for where we are at and why.
Being good and nice is a way we manipulate and control the situation to hide our responsibility.
As I was reading I could not help but appreciate the openness and intimacy with which all the writers of these blogs share their lives. That in itself is extraordinary. When we are truly open and fully transparent with each other, and sharing with complete honesty and vulnerability, we can all learn so much from one another. It’s also deeply healing to receive others in their fullness un-edited, because we are offered a real connection. This realness is so deeply nurturing for ourselves and others, especially in a world where “good”, “nice” and “polite” are championed.
Very true, the honesty the writers write with gives us an opportunity to unpack that behaviour in ourselves. To even contemplate if it is part of our makeup. Let’s be honest – we can have behaviours we have done for so long they come across as normal and yet are, in fact, very self-abusive. It takes a reflection in our lives to be able to see another way sometimes.
Wow what a great title, “Giving Your Power Away: Why Being ‘Good’ Doesn’t Work” we think that being good, being polite, being nice, is the way that we have to be in society, when in fact that is incorrect. What is at our core is to be loving, be love in all interactions, because is it in the choices to be ‘good’ that we can end up making ourselves less, which doesn’t serve you or anyone else around us.
As kids we know exactly how to behave to get our parents attention. We realise that just being our gorgeous selves isn’t enough and we have to shape ourselves to fit their needs. But what I find fascinating is that we choose parents who match the choices we have made in past lives. I can feel that I have used being good, sacrificially caring and nice many lives before to hide and ‘keep safe’ all the loveliness I am. So it was a perfect match with my chosen family.
I can so relate to the ‘good girl’, it’s an avoidance of living the power we are. As you shared MAS it’s a great way to avoid having to deal with others reaction to truth and power, and a great way to have people ‘like’ you. What I am learning is there is ‘like’ and there is ‘love’, like is a smidgen of what love can offer.
Being good is a huge capping on life and when we opt for that path, we can be quite controlled by it. We no longer do what is true for us and that is an evil which can be hard to look at. We have lost ourselves yet no one complains as we are quite socially acceptable.
‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.’ Wow, what a powerful sentence! Your blog absolutely resonated with me and as one who grew up being the good girl of the family and who still gives power away at times it was a perfect read this morning. Wonderful, thank you.
Being good not only drains us of our life force by giving our power away but also contributes to that which feeds the ill and corruption in the world today, The harm is deeper than we think and it is everyone’s responsibility to take charge and start living who they are and not adhere to the impositions of the world.
This is inspirational MAS and a beautiful reflection of how returning to live the love we are can be achieved. It is a choice – moment to moment. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your experiences in the workplace which echo my own. There is such a game of giving our power away in this situation and this perpetuates so many of the working practises that we all complain about and yet nothing changes and the frustration of being part of a system that is not working leads to disillusionment and overwhelm. As I have started to speak up at work I am having conversations with colleagues and managers which feel so much more open and in this there is the opportunity to bring about change if we stay open and express without fear.
For so long I settled for being ‘good’ and ‘nice’ as a way of getting recognition but my anger was never far below the surface and I can now feel how much of a barrier it was to any true relationships and the pain this caused me and others. Dropping the good/nice persona is a gradual process and not everyone is happy with me speaking my truth and I certainly do not always express myself as lovingly as I would like but the more I exercise this muscle the stronger it gets and the more my anger drops away.
Wow MAS, you just described my journey to a T. This was incredibly empowering to read and gave me many moments of appreciation of how far I have come. Thank you.
Being good is incredibly exhausting and extremely uncomfortable. Ironically it seems to be comfortable to be good and not challenge but if we look at the state of the worlds health and well being being good is clearly not working at all and instead harming us as we are covering up and not dealing with those issues that are truly affecting us.
Being “good” does not work of its own accord because it is an act, an image, and a attempt to manipulate life by “playing by the rules’ so that you cannot get hurt. Ask a good or polite person to do something that is necessary but “harsh”, so to speak, like standing up to abuse, and they can’t. They simply can’t let go of the image they have around what it is to be “good.” And so such examples expose “good” as an ideal, something fixed that we hold onto in order to try to control life. Of course, what we invariably find is that it is impossible to control life, whether you do it by being angry and narcissistic, or by being what one calls good.
‘When tension developed, and sometimes it did, as long as I stayed connected to myself and held the power of my loving ways, I found I could stand strong in the truth of what I was feeling play out before me…’ That foundation is crucial if we are to hold self-doubt – that most undermining force – at bay. Trusting what we feel, and trusting that what we feel is true, is key.
‘…there are consequences for people who have a voice…’ Yes, I have found this to be true in life also, and have quelled my voice for the same reasons you describe MAS. Building a body of love that allows me to voice what I feel and hold myself steady no matter what comes back is key to developing the capacity to express.
It’s such an illusionary trap to think we need to change who we are to ‘keep the peace’ or to bring harmony to people around us. Our natural and divine way IS harmony, stillness, truth, love and joy. By being who we are others are given the opportunity to feel this within themselves too.
“Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel,” This was me too – so although I felt more accepted this wasn’t the true me as it was a false ‘me’ that was recognised. Having been so ingrained in this false version of myself I wasn’t even really aware this was so. Learning to reclaim my power and be the real me – warts and all – has been a slow process – still ongoing. But what is the point of being accepted by someone when they are seeing and accepting the false ‘good’ version rather than the true version of myself?
My whole life I have strived to be good and I have come to realise that it has been driven by wanting to be accepted by others and liked. Oh how that has been a false existence, I have been able to see with the support of Serge Benhayon that the energy of being nice is just he same as the energy of being hateful and mean. Letting go of needing people to like me has been an unraveling process of deeply accepting myself and knowing that I’m amazing for just being me. Nothing I do will make this bigger or better, because this is all that I need.
What I have found is that inevitably when we play ‘good’ and play along to the pictures in our head we are trying to play out in real life, we are inevitably disappointed when other people and things don’t meet our pictures. And this makes me question what pictures I am investing in If I am not coming from my divineness, because that is whole and true and full of understanding and wisdom.
Yes Harry – and how controlling are the pictures and playing nice? It’s ultimately controlling the situation and making sure it goes the way we want it rather than allowing moments to unfold as energetically intended.
Stunning sharing MAS. I loved this line “More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.” I’ve never read such a great description of what we really give away when we look to another rather than feeling and expressing what we know.
With power I have often related it to being a lot of hard work and a constant effort. But what you’ve shared here MAS is that true power is very simple and comes to us, just as we cannot stop feeling we constantly get directed in how to be in our power – those feelings that can sense and understand the deeper layers of life. Thank you.
I have found that being true to yourself does not always involved conflict, what happens if we have not lived this way though, is others are a bit confused initially because we are not resounding or reacting as we would normally do. Bringing understanding and commitment to honouring that it is far more loving to be ourselves than to play games supports us to stay true during that initial wobble stage.
I have noticed at work how I have been reluctant to speak up when I know something is not true, and as a consequence all I am confirming to the other person that it is ok not to tell the truth, and as a result they go on behaving in the same way, all because I didn’t want to rock the boat or take responsibility. I know now that we all hold a responsibility to humanity and to ourselves.
Beautifully said Sally. I have also noticed that the more I hold back the more abuse comes my way, I feel it’s because contraction goes hand in hand (and rhymes with) reaction. The more I express from my power the less abuse I encounter.
‘I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.’ MAS, I can definitely relate to this – I’ve been so caught up in caring about what other people think and say about me that I forgot how to be myself. That has absolutely changed, but even though there is still an element of not wanting to be disliked or have something said about me, it doesn’t stop me from expressing and being myself, because I know that who I am and what we are all connected to is far greater than an opinion or judgment.
The opinion of others is a great hurdle to overcome, it takes a lot of supporting and appreciating oneself to stay true to oneself when others turn against you.
Thank you MAS for the deepening awareness to good v’s power. If left unchecked good can consume our lives, until something major happens which starts the wake up call to ask -hey where are you, what did you sell out for? Usually approval and external love I’m discovering, but these don’t last they are an illusion that an accident or incident will expose.
MAS thank you for an awesome blog, I can relate so much to what you share. Your line ‘Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ is something I have felt often, how I turned myself inside out to fit in only to not get the recognition I felt I deserved and of course it stung since I’ve deserted myself to do so. Reading this now I can see how much that craving for recognition becomes a real crutch as we’ve left ourselves so we positively demand that we get recognition, but it’s us in fact we miss and I’m learning more each day how to be just me and allow myself to be that to hold steady no matter what, there’s still a lot more to explore here (there always will be), but each time I learn more, and claim a little more of me. Or as you put it and it rings so true, I’m learning to back myself.
I am starting to see how being good and nice, always ticking the box of what is normal, is not the true good we are looking for. I agree with you that from being nice and in a way always being good there was a huge amount of anger and frustration built up in my body that now and then comes out. I never had that in the past and sometimes wondered what was ‘wrong’ that I now get angry now and then. From your blog I now understand though that I have been good, nice etc but never really me and true to what I was feeling. I have been living under the veil of niceness, which is not me and therefor makes me feel angry and sad now and then. Great thing to move forward with and take some chances and be true to myself in life!
Giving our power away caps and destroys relationships, yet claiming our power builds relationships based on true equality.
Great point about equality. Giving our power away solidifies us, and others, in what we are not, and keeps us separated and believing we are different. Claiming our power and our voice inspires everyone around us to do the same. It’s power games and struggle, or claiming and walking in our own authority as equals, not more or less than anyone else.
“Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel”, and to deny how we are feeling is akin to denying who we are; a very exhausting and in the end, a very futile process.
Could it be that being good and all the ideals we buy into by intending or striving to be good are actually the most insidious way to cripple the amazing power we all have to bring forth the true good that is waiting to be activated by precisely living our glory and power?
A great question to ask Alex, instead of staying true to who we are and what we know is good, we create a false ‘good’, that in truth is empty of true good, but serves to tick the box and make an impression on the outside, however on the inside we remain empty and know the falseness we live in.
Anything that is a diminished version of love and truth is not it, however ‘good’ it may look. In fact ‘good’ for me has been a smokescreen and trap for so long – mastering the facade, whilst always dismissing the truth I know and feel inside. I am finding it quite challenging to break the habit of ‘good’ but am building from the inside out with a sense that then the smokescreen will dissolve quite naturally.
Its so closely related to being nice… I had an example yesterday where a business I work for has to respond to a dramatic change in circumstances. The choice to be nice about it is so tempting but then you practically guarantee a disastrous outcome… or else you reflect the truth and everyone is offered an opportunity. Better to see a clear view of what is happening than sugar coat it with ‘good’ or ‘nice’.
Wow, thank you MAS. I can totally relate to everything you’ve shared. I also transformed myself in the same way and gave my power away from a very young age. I was identified with the roles I picked up but I also felt resentful and a deep sadness especially from controlling my expression of love and joy. Now, I am reclaiming my power again by choosing to connect to truth, to love and to who I am. I am learning to not shy away from this when things get challenging or tough but to stay consistent, steady, strong and committed to love and truth.
Thank you MAS for sharing being good, I can so relate to this. It feels like I have lived my life of good and wondered why good never worked.It was so tiring and exhausting keeping up the facade of being good and nice to please all, so that there was never any conflict, but the conflict was in me not living who I truly am and giving my power away feeling that this would fix things instead I was not taking responsibility for self.
In appreciation to Serge Benhayon he has been a great reflection and inspiration for me of how to live life in true responsibility in divine love and truth in authority of divine power.
One of the big sacrifices for me in being good and nice was being real. It’s like I had trained myself to never be or say anything real, so it is like I was (and still am at times) in a false life not sure how to connect or engage to what was actually going on. Being good or nice is like floating just above the realities of life, and missing out also on the realness going on inside myself.
Thank you so, so much for this post. I never really understood what it means to own your own power or to stand up for yourself calmly without fear of self and of others, until now. I practiced this tonight on someone who takes advantage of me and it worked – I listened to and honoured my feelings and expressed them calmly, and got a very pleasing result without disrespecting the other person! I feel very happy and not afraid of my own emotional responses for the first time in my entire life (after always being told I’m too sensitive, too emotional, and thus supressing that in shame), and finally comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. There are not words to sufficiently express my gratitude and how I really feel right now, but thank you so much all the same. I’ll never forget this post and what a turning point finding it has marked for me.
Beautifully expressed Dr Maddie Smith and thank you for sharing your experience. I too am learning to listen and honour what I feel, and expressing from love instead of judgement or reaction. To understand and be more aware of when I give my power away supports me to make more loving choices and to honour and trust what feels true and loving. Learning to live and express in my power and not giving it away has been hugely life changing.
There is a false tension in acts of goodness. There is more at play when we say yes to what our body is overtly saying no to. How interesting is it that we have become so conditioned in this behaviour as it feeds our individuality or promotes the recognition that is far from our natural way of being?
Awesome comment Natalliya, reflecting back to when I was very much identified with the role of being ‘good’ and a ‘peacemaker’, I realised it came with a huge amount of seeking recognition and attention. This was exhausting to constantly seek approval and recognition from others and it closed off any form of expression of truth. At the time I didn’t recognise this but now I can see it so clearly. So, at any time I feel myself reverting back into this role I can easily let it go and choose to express truth with not an ounce of holding back.
I know being good also and have been chipping away at this myself. I have to agree that there is so much hiding in being good and nice, hiding the truth of how we feel, hiding who we are. Not being good or nice is not about being rude, it’s about bringing honesty and then truth to what we see and feel. The more we do it the easier it becomes.
It’s so true MAS no text books will ever give us the answers to life.
When we calibrate to others at the expense of ourselves it is so much more stressful rather than simply being ourselves.
I lived “being good” for much of my life. Of late I am coming to realise that this is a selfish way to live, as ultimately it is a way of being that I geared around protecting and looking out for myself. It does not hold all equally, in fact it holds others less. It also is very taxing on my body as there is constant tension as I hold a way of being that is not true, yet when I allow my self to simply be present with my body, there is an ease and flow within and tension melts away. Then what is spoken is equally for all.
This is an important point you make Leigh in that when we are being good we hold others less. This cracks the illusion of ‘good’ immediately.
It is draining on our body, because we are trying to hold something that is not true, instead of allowing the truth and flow to naturally be there.
Compromising who we are in order to please another is debilitating for our bodies and never does it offer a true support for anyone, as it is only expressing our truth and being in our power of responsibility that we can evolve as a human being and offer another a true reflection of their true essence.
“And seeking is truly the word, for it led me far and wide, continually missing the point – that love can only be nurtured within myself,…”
We are taught from young that love is something we find outside of ourselves, something we need to earn, to work hard for and we need to be lucky to receive it. Serge Benhayon exposes this lie and reminds us that love is innate and all we need to do is connect back to our inner most to feel it.
When we start to change the dysfunctional ways we relate to others it can cause a reaction from them as they expect us to be a certain way and they are comfortable with this. So for example if we decide to no longer ‘mother’ another, by this I mean do every thing for them, then often, at first they do not like this as they like having a ‘slave’. It takes them a while to adjust to the new arrangement and some do not to and leave the relationship to find someone who will ’mother’ them. We have to be willing to let people leave our lives if they do not like the changes in us.
We are taught from a young age not to be honest, but to be nice so we don’t rock the boat. Rocking the boat is actually necessary, we may at times fall out, and when we do, the opportunity is there to either sink or swim in the sea of truth.
I feel we have a preconceived idea of what power is, I know I did and probably still do. What my understanding of true power is so far is getting the part, where it is all about me, out of the way and allowing myself to be a vessel for the divine to come through.
I can so relate to this blog MAS as I chose to be the good girl, the helper and the peacekeeper in my family of origin. Giving my power away was a matter of course often followed by fits of rage when the outrage could no longer be contained; all to play the victim and get away with not taking full responsibility for my choices. True power comes when we get out of our own way.
No-one really ever thanks you for not being honest and being yourself because when you are it is such a shock!! It is truly exhausting trying to please, keeping the peace and not speaking truth when it is there to be spoken.
We are completely deceived when we think we can say one thing but feel another. The idea we can hide and trick life with the word games we plays is one of humanities longest running ruses. For as you show so beautifully MAS, we are constantly communicating and receiving energy. As soon as we deny this fact we are lost to our true power.
Yeah, throw away ‘good’ and ‘bad’ only ‘true’ and not ‘true’. Am I being myself in full or not?
Love the simplicity of this comment, very true.
‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love’ Most of us are brought up to think and believe that being good is being loving and even being love and that is what gives us power. This can be of great comfort and an easy way to justify so much. I love how you have exposed the truth here and show how we can claim back all that we have given away by being a little more honest with ourselves so that we can also find the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back ourselves all the way.
“Being good” is a coping mechanism we have managed to developed and become very good at, it is a trap as it does not consider the whole and most of the time drives our bodies to the ground. Breaking away from this illusion is simple and just requires honesty and the implementation of loving choices in order to claim the truth of who we are.
We are all good. Yet, sometimes we use this fact to control life and to expect a series of results in exchange. This ‘solution’, like any other solution does not really work and is never able to eliminate the tension that is underneath it. We may work hard to override it, but the body does feel it all the time and suffers from what we are doing. Hence, it does not help us, and does not help others to walk in a way that allows them to reclaim their innate qualities.
Oooh – that is an ouch for me. I love the role of peacekeeper, or councillor. It feels so ‘nice’ and yet it can be so damaging…. often trying to avoid a difficult truth or seeing someone upset when the truth of the matter is that they need that reflection to move on and be offered a different choice.
Yes well said Simon, a bit of an ouch for me too. I thought I was doing such good work always placating and flying under the radar but really it just takes away a potential moment for some real learning on all our parts.
Being ‘nice’ leaves a greasy film over everything, there’s a very unpalatable oily quality to niceness.
I agree MAS that being good doesn’t work. I experienced a situation at work yesterday where my ‘being good’ default mode came out. I was left feeling horrible, not so much because of the other person’s action, but because I had compromised myself in the way I responded.
It is so freeing to just express how I feel to be true, it is never worth it to give up being me in exchange for attention or to being liked. It is the greatest power when I do not have to be nice and be liked. Letting that go is a surrender to truly being loved.
It all comes down to avoiding tension when we step down from being true to ourselves and truth in general, learning to deal with tension and showing backbone is part of reclaiming one´s power and taking responsibility for what is needed. Right or good are the result of having given up on truth.
‘Being good’ I reckon is one of the greatest corruptions on earth. It pacifies us and makes us ignorant to what is going on. Because someone who is extremely ‘good’ can be equally as angry. In fact, more angry than someone who is expressing outwardly visible rage and frustration. I remember the times I have been ‘good’ in my life and remember the times of being in a catholic school and not enjoying it one bit. The ‘good boy’ was a mask, a form of protection that was covering up a mountain of underlying sadness and anger, a sadness and anger that was in truth towards myself for constantly ‘being good’ and not being True, the true me.
Gosh I have so tried the ‘being good’ thing for most of my life. It really does not serve anyone, as in the process of ‘being good’ we don’t allow ourselves to truly express who we really are and the other person doesn’t get the opportunity to perhaps learn or evolve from the experience either.
A beautiful expression of appreciation of another who has inspired you to reclaim your true self.
MAS what an amazing blog, and the second one I’ve read from you in 2 days, by chance but of course there’s no such thing. I feel the serendipity of reading this today and how much it offers me in support in asking myself how do I back myself, how do I support truth and how do I allow love to the basis of every single relationship I have, and of course this is never static so the other question is what is the next step in deepening this relationship with myself, with truth and with others.
Mas, who are you? Don’t answer that, I just want to know so bad because I love your writing so much, you are a like minded person, someone I can really relate to. The way you describe what power really is, to me is already ground braking before you delve into the honesty and rawness that you are able to access so effortlessly, in this blog and others you have written. I feel like I am going through this phase were I am reading and seeing all these inspiring things around me but I can only apply bits and pieces to my life, cant quite get the whole thing yet. I figure that eventually I will put it all together and feel a true sense of change in my life.
Another great read of your blog again today – a lot of gold to be mined in your words. “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel…”, how true this is. I can see how this means I live not expressing to others in truth and honesty, which means we both miss many opportunities for evolution.
Giving your power away in order to please the other person absolutely does not work, and leaves a lot of resentment on both sides: the other person can feel they are being manipulated in some way, and I end up feeling resentful – yet it was me that made the choice in the first place! Life becomes so much simpler when we start to accept who we are, and where we’re at – and how amazing we already are.
Thank you MAS, I can relate to so much of what you have shared. Playing the good girl was so ingrained that I didn’t even realise I was doing it until attending Universal Medicine workshops and presentation… it was just who I was, so I thought. I’m now beginning to see the extent to which I’ve chosen this way of being to protect myself through life, and to work on dropping it and being more of the true me. The more I deeply love and care for myself, the easier it becomes to drop it, without trying – it just falls away because it is no longer needed.
I know this game of playing ‘good’ or ‘nice’ as I did it too when I was growing up. It such a false form of security as you have to constantly over-ride what you are feeling and therefore live in a constant state of anxiety trying to manoeuvre and control things to keep the game going. Being me is much more fun and much simpler and easier, even if it means that sometimes I will be unpopular or not liked for expressing my truth of what I feel.
Being good and so not being true to ourselves causes so much abuse to the body. I also played the good girl when I was a child and when I came to my teenage years I felt so angry with the world and the people in it. I also became low and depressed. I left home, got married and had children yet the behaviour of being good was still being played out. Since meeting Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I am gently letting go of this behaviour, healing the hurts and becoming more true to myself. Sometimes I can feel the rebellious energy coming to the surface in reaction to my previous choices but it is something that I am now willing to work on and heal.
Try as we may to think we know otherwise, we will inevitably discover the truth, that there is nothing in this world that can compare to the graceful powerful majesty of the Love we are within. When this Love is surrendered to and lived in the world, we are blessed by the reflection of this Love, the Love we all are in essence and are here to live together.
Perfectly imperfect, what an amazing blog, so real, raw and so honest, finally we speak about things that we normally hide away, shut ourselves down from and so the harm dwells. Thank you MAS for showing us that giving your power away harms and never ever heals yourself or people. With love, Danna
I’ve noticed recently that when I don’t want to deal with something I am feeling at work, I dull my senses to seeing what is really going on… hence staying in the issues or drama. It’s amazing though how quick this changes when I stop myself and feel that I am not the issue and then I feel the other person again.
As a child I would often watch people display deeds of goodness and felt that there was something not so true about it. It was like I was surrounded by a false hope of how we could be. I would often question why were people doing this, when I felt deep down inside they really didn’t want to. Looking back now I have become aware that this feeling was the lives of many who “being good’ was a way of living they had become accustomed to in order to belong, to feel comfortable and to not shake the status quo of what was not fair, did not take everyone equally into account and was loaded with an agenda for a few rather than all.
Ultimately being good is not sustainable for a lifetime… because its not true. I’ve experienced this and know being good (or being nice) will only ever get you so far before you realise that the truth is still there, waiting to be expressed and the situation that is being avoided is just being allowed to carry on unchecked and probably getting worse and growing until it is too big to ignore.
Being good might make you feel better, but it will never allow you to understand the truth of all things. It is after all but a learned behaviour designed to ensure one does not rock the boat or awaken the dragon, and whilst it may be effective in diluting hostility, it will never be a tool for delivering true harmony. For how can it, when it does nothing in itself to acknowledge the truth of any given situation, but simply sugar coats everything so that all tastes sweet.
MAS I too can so relate to growing up and choosing to be ‘good’ – I learned quickly from looking around and seeing how things were around me that I would get the best results from my surroundings by being good and being there for everyone – as a kid I was the one who listed and did all my chores and more, after all this was needed to keep everyone happy. And as a teenager I was the mediator in the family who was constantly there for others and bringing balance, without me the chaos would have been unbearable. And same as an adult and a a wife and a mother being the super woman, feeling I had to do it all for everyone. But in all this I forgot myself. I left behind the most precious part of me, the sacredness and the stillness, the woman that lives within. Each time I would go out to rescue another, it meant I had to leave behind who I was. I guess there was a part of me that would not value ME as much as I valued everyone else. And as I am now learning, we cannot really value another until we value ourselves truly and first. This is not about being selfish, but rather it is about being self – full. And now I know it is never too late to allow this to happen, never too late to appreciate myself and to know that by being there for me first, then I can be there for others in ways I had never fathomed. And in the process, others too get the chance to grow and learn and blossom.
its very true that being good does not allow one to feel their true feelings – that we live up to an image rather than allow ourselves to be who we are. A very good game at playing small and not taking responsibility.
Its not that being good or well behaved is not a good thing. It is, except when it serves to create an artificial relationship between people that serves to bury what is really going on, and so it creates a smokescreen of tolerance that only allows a relationship of superficiality to flourish, meanwhile preventing a deeper understanding developing between people.
Oh how easy it is to play the good girl and please everybody. We put on a mask to pretend everything is okay, we calculate our words so that we don’t hurt anybody, but what’s most hurtful is that we play down our power. By giving our power away we are denying others the reflection of how strong we all are, by not being ourselves we are not only holding back our evolution but the evolution of humanity.
It’s funny to read how being ‘good’ didn’t allow you to be who you were so then you went and tried out ‘naughty’, and that didn’t work, so you went back to ‘good’ and then you realised you’d been here before and that still didn’t work, to eventually arriving at being you. I believe we all go through this long drawn out exercise, mostly because we are not taught to stay true to all that we feel from a young age. The moment we begin to talk we are silenced from blurting out whatever comes to us for fear of upsetting/embarrassing others. It clearly hasn’t worked…
It’s pretty amazing to witness someone be in their power and take complete ownership and responsibility for all their choices. It’s inspiring to observe and then feel how accessible that is for myself and of course for everyone.
Being inspired by others rather than caught in jealous comparison is one of the most beautiful ways to see the importance, impact and support of our relationships with each other.
From a young age I observed the “being good model” and although I knew deep down it didn’t feel honest and true I realised it was used to be seen and heard. As an adult now I have come to understand that this model was what I used to be valued and loved by my family, peers and at school. Thank you for exposing the harm that comes from this MAS and how we have the choice once we observe and feel the difference, in honouring and sharing what is true so that others too have the opportunity to feel that there is another way.
Oh my gosh … the awefulness of ‘being good’ really does need to be exposed more, because there will always be a simmering brew of anger or something similar underneath.
‘the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way.’ This is inspiring. Backing oneself all the way…something that if we are used to giving our power away does not necessarily come easily at first. By making small changes in how we treat ourselves helps to lay a foundation, it strengthens our confidence and supports us. Choosing to do what we know is true and not deviating to indulge in the small stuff supports us and having blogs like this to read supports us too.
There is a lot here that is very supportive and healing MAS thank you. “The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised.” Self love is definitely the gateway back to be love and being our full selves, as opposed to being “good” and all the compromises that come with it.
Being good or being bad it doesn’t really matter which we choose neither are true to being and expressing for the truth of our natural expression.
Being ‘good’ castrates us of our true power, but that’s what most of us get taught to become. Being good needs recognition, a seal of approval and reward. If that is not given – then there’s hurt causing all kinds of reactions and emotional pains – that’s basically has been my pattern, and it was hard to believe that it was enough just to be me, but with what Universal Medicine presents and offers through their modalities, it became the truth, and not a belief.
Recently I was feeling as though I became invisible and some people around me were being disrespectful and taking me for granted, especially at work, and I was wondering why this was happening. I am now beginning to know and see some pockets where I didn’t express in full – as I was in reaction, or being nice – and how that was affecting when and how I was going to bed, and how I was eating food so some disregarding choices were creeping in – basically, not giving myself enough love to claim my power in full. Here I am being reminded it is my choice. Thank you.
A wonderful sharing MAS. I can relate to a great deal of what you share here, and sometimes fall back into old habits. I have learnt so much through Serge Benhayons’ Presentations of the Ancient Wisdom that there really is no going back in truth , and no way I could be that “Good” person who didn’t rock the boat ever again, for she was not the me I am now.
I know this very well MAS, playing the good girl, always being nice, not disrupting the peace, trying to smooth things over, watering it down, making it acceptable and I could go on… Today I can see the evil in this, as it is the absolute avoidance of addressing what needs to be addressed and standing for the truth no matter what conflict may arise out of it as without this situations get out of control and become very abusive and hurtful leading to separation, fights and eventually that is how war and greater ways of abuse happen.
The answer to lack of self-worth is to commit to loving and honouring ourselves deeply because it develops a basis of love within us that becomes our new benchmark in everything we do. And from there, we establish a new foundation from which to interact with the rest of the world.
Being good and nice to another comes from an emptiness, and it is only a matter of time until our bodies reveal the disregard and abuse as a result of living less of who we are by not expressing our truth, power and love innate to us all.
All the praise in the world cannot make up for losing yourself in being good. It is such a trap and one I am aware of whenever I praise a little child for being good. I think to myself…things have to change, I must let them know how wonderful they are before they do anything. This praise is the same praise I fell for and was distracted by. This praise is empty and if you rely on it you will be in neediness. How awesome it is to realise that I am worth the voice I have and I can treat myself with love and respect
Its a simple truth… being good is not true. It does not lead to wisdom, but to acquiescence. It allows what it normal in the world to carry on in spite of the abuse and the lack of love. Good is akin to nice and it is this accepted sickness in the world which is desperately in need of a different approach to pull humanity out of the awful way of living that we have adopted and is plainly hurting us.
Through Universal Medicine I have met other people who choose to live in a way that is expressive, and with no hiding whatsoever. Knowing these extraordinary (and yet completely normal) people has shown me the difference between good and true, and it is a difference that is as obvious as black and white.
I have since learnt that being good doesn’t hold truth and when we let go of the mask and the niceties of being good, we can see the true potential of what it means to live from our own inner connection and the domino effect this has on others around us is pretty cool too.
I can totally relate to being ‘good’ and giving my power away and I agree, it doesn’t work at all. I end up feeling frustrated and angry about not being true to myself and others. It was actually very exhausting and not fun for anyone. Being good may feel great at first but it feels completely draining after a while. Being honest, truthful and being who we are is the opposite, it is empowering, strong, loving and energising. Thank you MAS for exposing the harm of being ‘good’, because I am sure many of us have fallen for this false façade. It is time to be real, honest and loving, I am learning to and it feels amazing.
As a little girlI I remember my father often sharing this quote “being good isn’t really good” I was often confused as the message from most adults around me was to play the part of the “good little girl”. This blog is an example of what really goes on when we play the part and is a reminder of what my father shared as he was showing me back then that being me was more important than any “goodness” badge I was encouraged to wear from others.
MAS, this is a very powerful blog, thank you. This is a great line “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel” as it highlights how being good takes away our ability to just be real. We wear so many masks and pretend so many things are not happening, but nothing changes without the realness, honesty and truth we can bring. Very inspiring.
The irony is that workplaces have high regard for anyone who is willing to be resourceful and take responsibility.
What a big set up it is to tell ourselves that by being silent in order to not rock the boat or to please others will get us what we want, when in fact every time we hold back it works against us.
Bring good is nagging our body and giving our power away, true power comes when we expressing what is true and embodied!
This is so true “Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within” and starts with how we move and what thoughts we choose to believe and what we say no to.
I so have played that game, giving my power away and always needing to be ‘good’. People pleasing, so not to upset the apple cart. It doesn’t feel good in your body and almost always is not creating a space for both parties to truly own and take responsibility. I have turned this around immensely, having developed a deeper connection with myself, which in turn allows me to feel and express what is needed more in given situations and relationships.
Being good and keeping the peace can literally require us to swallow up what we feel to say or do. But by holding ourselves back in this way and not expressing what we truly should be expressing our lack of expression accumulates like a residue within us and only serves to exacerbate our resentment and emotional reactions all the more. It’s a vicious circle and one that we all must break by learning to express what is true in each and every moment.
Being good really is a setup and one that I certainly complied with for the most part of my life. It has only been in recent years that I have been able to see how damaging nice is – how it has kept me very silent and compliant with what is going on around me rather than honouring how my body feels and what is there to express. Being nice took the truth out of my words. That was the damage of it – and it left me harbouring so much. It does not work at all, and to expose this is very healing for society.
Living against what we naturally are will, of course, cause a building of resentment. However this resentment is initially directed towards the people we think have changed us however it is really a bitter rage at ourselves.
This is another reason why being ‘good’ doesn’t work.
That age old path of being the ‘good one’ is built around compromises of what we know to be true about ourselves, instead settling for what will not change how we are seen by others. Eventually this facade must crack and shatter, and when it does so, the pain of settling for less than who we are for so long must be reckoned with. But it is up to us whether we decide to continue to add to it or to start now, and address the truth of what we already know about ourselves.
Thank you MAS, for the great reminder of how much there is to appreciate the powerful reflections of others we are constantly presented with for in that deep down we know we are the mirror image of them.
It feels like I have just read my last weeks experience. Trading the expression of who I truly am to fit into a world that allows and accepts abuse on the extreme and subtle levels, of which the more I open up the more I am aware of is actually harming, has been devastating and I am feeling it in the body and/or it’s reflected in the quality of my thoughts and movements. Those thoughts of ‘can’t express your truth because you’ll be an outcast’ keep coming into re-play but I keep asking myself, what is the quality of being together if we accept abuse together? and what if being love allowed others to also enter that space and be love together? A work in progress but something that this blog has re-confirmed that being true over being liked and good is worth choosing again and again.
Who would ever have thought that being ‘good’ was actually toxic… what a revelation, and what a relief to let go of this particularly insidious paradigm.
I love the fact that we are always expressing, even when there are no words to be shared. This reminds me that even when I feel something that isn’t true, I can stay with that without demanding or needing things to change. The moment I start to think something needs to change, I am caught in the re-action of something being ‘wrong’.
Good and Nice are interesting bedfellows. They can be so subtle, and accepted so willingly, yet there is a poison within them… like a sugar coated pill. ‘Nice’ can be so unpleasant because it offers no truth, no opportunity to change something that is not working. It just encourages the status quo no matter what.
Giving our power away to others in order to not rock the boat does not work and it only creates misery and deep resentment in our bodies, you’re blog Mas is very powerful as it show us how life changing it is to make choices that are truly honouring of who we are. Thank you.
This blog just shows how insidious it is to give our power away, which may have appeared to work initially with difficult situation when young but living like that for any length of time just erodes at our sense of well-being and confidence. I am finding that as I claim back my power I no longer worry so much about what people think or if they agree with me or not.
Also… you’ve reminded me that being good is a purely selfish motive – it’s just for me, but being true is for everyone, there is a responsibility that takes into account everyone, including me.
If power is simply knowing who you are, then why do we ever give our power away? That’s actually giving ourselves away!
“Instead of holding my love for myself and knowing I was enough, I chose to seek approval and tenderness from other people. And seeking is truly the word, for it led me far and wide, continually missing the point – that love can only be nurtured within myself, something that I was reminded of when I came to Universal Medicine.” I can completely relate to what you have share hear MAS, I was so caught up seeking approval for others and wanting love from them, that I did not realise that love comes from within ourselves. It was only through Universal Medicine that I was able to understand this and have started connecting to the love within me.
This is a great point ‘I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly. I also refused to deal with any tension that I felt in my relationships.’ Being ‘Good’ is always at the expense of ourselves, and deep down we know this, and the emptiness, and unhappiness is due to us missing ourselves.
MAS I loved this part ‘I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.’ How many of us fall for the need to be nice and good because we already know how to play the game, if we’re good we get rewarded. However the cost can be considerable not only are we giving our power away, we are giving up on who we truly are, and that then accumulates as illness and disease in the body, unless it is addressed.
Giving our power away to another or others drains and exhausts us big time, could this be why we are so hooked on a cycle of coffee and sugar to pep us up, because we are not being true, or living who we really are?
‘I allowed myself to be overworked and mistreated’ I can very much relate to this as I reacted yesterday, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it, it’s was mistreatment, abuse. What I have to watch is not overriding how much it hurts by burying it with food. This only creates a cycle of making yourself feel worse. It’s much simpler, easier and more loving to be raw, vulnerable and fragile and feel what’s really going than numbing it with food, to only to beat yourself up. It just creates a vicious cycle thats so not worth it.
“It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.” I can very much relate to this, not so much about being good, but not being true to yourself, overriding your body and what you know to be true and love. It can create a vicious cycle of abuse if choosing to live a pattern / behaviour like this is not healed.
‘To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true,’ this deeply hurts us.
Yes it does. It keeps us in the agony of separation from a sweet, honouring, tender, respectful, loving relationship with ourselves which is the foundation of all our relationships with everyone.
This is a blog to read and feel as new layers are exposed. I am learning to more be the love I am rather than being good, an old and familiar pattern. Good kept me in comfort but resentful as I always felt what I gave away – me. That is no longer true and I can no longer live this way; yes there is unraveling of old ways and many discomforts at times to face but I would not trade them for the greater awareness and the greater lived love – I want to back myself and feel that is the responsibility of what we are all called to live – the love that is us.
This is a well needed discussion because being ‘good’ and not ‘rocking the boat’ is slowly killing us but the other main response to not being good is being bad and that is slowly killing us as well. There is another way, which you write of here MAS, that is actually more neutral in the sense that it is more about honouring yourself and others and saying what needs to be said. But not in a full-on reaction to the world but steadily and honestly calling out what needs to be called out. Well done you for taking this step.
I find it fascinating how we can dedicate our entire lives to the care and well-being of others, and find that in the process we have managed to give up on our selves. This brings a new level of care in to the picture, and asks – what is the true care that we give to others if you yourself are not truly cared for?
Thank you Mas for a great article, one that I can relate to very well. I went for the good, a way to hide, a way to not rock the boat and a way to receive some sort of love an recognition, I was a peacemaker, it was peace at any price totally denying what I was really feeling. When I look look back now I can see how dishonouring and dis honest that way of living was. I am now claiming more of my power to truthfully feel what there is to feel and be able to express it with honesty.
‘I was quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self.’ Taking responsibility for our hurts, knowing they are there because of the choices we have made is the start of not longer being controlled by our emotions and it activates the love we are by appreciating the new choices we are making to build a strong connection with our innermost.
It is so easy to not know or want to know how to appreciate ourselves. Playing games, being nice to tick boxes for others whilst we have little regard for ourselves. But what quality does this truly reflect to another? If I am always there to please people, then won’t they see that I am not putting myself first? Serge Benhayon has presented to us the importance of appreciating ourselves, of knowing who we are and of bringing it back to the simplicity that we live in a cycle of choices that will either grow us or stunt us. We constantly choose what comes through us, and if there is no lived quality, then what comes through us is not supportive.
I have often seen this played out in situations where the “goodness’ displayed is drained to the point where there is nothing left but the feeling of no self worth and the constant need for recognition from others.
Well done MAS for honoring you
I can so relate to the being “good” MAS. I had so many” hats” to wear, the good wife, daughter,sister, worker, mother….all in all they caused complete break downs in me and with all relationships. There is so much freedom to get rid of all those beliefs and live from the one truth.
“there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.” Well said MAS. Possibly that’s why there is so much violence in the world?
Dear MAS, I know well the reality of living being ‘good’. How so very damaging this was to not only myself, but to all in my life, as we all missed out for many years on the beautiful, articulate, understanding wise woman that I am. It makes me wonder just how many others are stuck on the same merry-go round, for which your article could give them the understanding that they need to step off and begin again from not the good, but a place of honour and love, for self that simply multiplies to being a place of honour and love for all.
It feels like you spun a cacoon around yourself so your true expression had no outlet and you were living for everyone else but yourself. Even in your rebellion it was a reaction to others. Thank you for sharing and showing us that it is love for yourself, honouring of yourself that turned this around. Recently I have been realising how much appreciation for myself for who I naturally am rather than what I do counts for so much, and it is by recognising these behaviours of which you speak and literally going deeper with the relationship with oneself to a deeper level of honesty that supports our turnaround.
MAS – such a fitting read as just today we were talking about the levels of protection we welcome into our live, and you share a perfect example of settling for attention rather than love and being ‘the good girl’ this is exactly what I felt I did to be in complete protection – I played nice and pleased everyone and that is so far from the truth because we are in the illusion that all is OK but really I am not honouring who I am at any level. And as you share this becomes a thread and a habit throughout your life, and you think these behaviours are you and your identity when really that is a lie.
I discovered that ‘being good’ and ‘doing the right thing’ got me attention and made up for other areas that I wasn’t so capable in (ie sport, having lots of friends etc). It’s taken a while to crack this one and to realise that trying to ‘be good’ involves trying to match up to a picture outside of me or an outside expectation. Now I’m becoming much more comfortable focussing on being me rather than being recognised for what I do – and this definitely feels different and a while lot better than trying to be good.
So true that it is only our choices that hold us back from being all of who we are. Being good does not mean being honest and true to ourselves. Being good creates untold tension in our body and means we are constantly suppressing our true expression.
Thank you MAS for a great blog, one that I can definitely relate to, the safest way for me to navigate life was to be good not draw attention to my self not create waves, I realised some time again how dishonest this way of living was, not just in my interaction with others, but to my self, hiding me away and denying what I was truly feeling from me. Now taking responsibility for my choices I am slowly reclaiming the true and loving me.
This highlights for me the absolute dishonesty and the insidiousness in “being good” as people feel short-changed when we’re being anything other than who we truly are. They can feel the lack of truth being expressed yet it can often be difficult to call it out for what it is.
Being anything apart from yourself can only last so long, however expressing from truth is so much more expansive not only for self but everyone we connect with
Re-reading this blog I am struck by just how wrong we have gotten things. Society values the “good” girl because when we are good we do not challenge the status quo. When we choose to live true to ourselves, however, this can challenge people initially because it reminds them of just how much they want that for themselves. How important then is it for us to provide a point of reflection for people and to show them that we can live a life that is truly honouring of who we are? This was the point of reflection that Serge Benhayon provided for me and it changed my life to see someone who in no way compromised the truth of the love that he is. He is a constant source of inspiration for me to do the same.
Elizabeth Dolan thank you for raising this great point. I have played the “good girl” part my whole life and when I became aware of how little regard was put in place for self love through the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, it brought a load of reactions. There is a responsibility we play when we make our lives about looking the part and belonging. It serves no one in the long run.
Such a beautiful story of reclaiming your own power MAS; of living and expressing your uniquely true inner wisdom; very inspirational.
MAS I can relate to a lot of what you have shared as I too was the “good daughter, good student, good employ,” etc etc for much of my life. Expressing truth and living from this honesty is the only way to be truly of service today and not only allows ours bodies to be tension free but it also helps all others too. Being who we are in full is the greatest joy in the world.
I love the title of this blog. It breaks the illusion that being “good” is a virtue and something to strive for. It is not about being “good”, it has to be about being truthful. Truth brings the whole picture and in that a total inclusiveness.
The ripple effects of truth, brings a depth of understanding that holds far greater respect for others.
Yes, being “good” does cause lots anger and sadness to build up in ones body! Being good means we have to convert our natural expression, or dull it down to follow rules. Guidelines and policies are great because they can be used to set a standard and to not do any harm to people (like in the medical profession). Ultimately if we are following the rules of life “i can only say so much” and “If I say this I might get fired or in trouble” heres a good one “i cant be joy-full on my job because people might have to feel their sadness” then we are not living our true potential and people are missing out on something that is so grand and amazing, our Soul!
The pressure to stop being real about yourself is often masked under the umbrella of “being good.” This often leads to anger and frustration as we know the real you is bursting to come out.
Mas- I could relate to your story giving my power away by being the “good catholic girl”, good student, good wife in order to be accepted, for recognition and love. But this doesn’t work- leaving me angry and feeling sad within. The key to change was loving myself and honouring what my body was saying.
“The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised.” I found loving myself to be key as then the ripple effect and changes in my behaviour that have happened have been natural and not something I have had to make myself ‘do’ they have come from how I am with and towards myself. Thank you MAS for this sharing.
This is a great blog, and so recognisable, I feel there is a lot to claim back as this being good and not bringing anything up is indeed ceiling me. And I know the amazing man I am, claiming this more and more feels amazing.
Thank you MAS,this for me is a perfect read as I’ve been hiding my whole life.I love the bit where you shared this is not a overnight fix but about not letting things get buried because they were too hard to deal with. Priceless I’m taking this with me for today and all days :).
Thank you MAS for sharing so openly and honestly about the true harm of ‘being good’. Having played this role most of my life and still feeling miserable it was very empowering when I began attending Universal Medicine presentations and healing this pattern that held me back for so long. This line stood out for me and is a beautiful reminder to take into my day ‘. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.’
It is true how we treat ourselves then manifests how others treat us. I recently realised that I was being nice and good to people at work as a way of having an insurance policy, so that they would not then be horrible to me, and when a situation happened where by I was lied to by two people, I then saw my behaviour and the investment I had put in place for them to treat me fairly. Interesting the lengths we will go to serve our own needs.
Thank you Julie this is a great example of how our dishonesty and ill behaviours can come back to us and love how you say this was “a way of having an insurance policy,..”!
Once we realise the insidious nature and quality of ‘ goodness’, it becomes so distasteful that a full on temper tantrum is infinitely preferable… To the prevailing cloak of niceness and goodness covers up so much rot and dysfunction.
I my experience, being good and trying to be good at the expense of your expression opens you up to becoming a target of abuse because there is a need that echoes out of you and attracts someone who would take advantage. This can happen in small ways or big. I have kept the peace at the expense of myself, so as not to make a fuss, and been cheated and held hurts over the results. If I had spoken out and stood up for myself, I wouldn’t have found myself in the situation I did. If I had been full of myself, and I mean full of self worth, I wouldn’t have allowed the liberties that were taken. So there is no point being upset with these people for not treating me with love because I didn’t have it for myself.
What a perfectly timed blog MAS. I have seen time and time again the harm that being good does. In my own life and in many lives around me. Your comment “I had no idea until now, how much anger and sadness was within me for having made this choice to be good. I was quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self.” That is one of the things I notice the most when working with teenagers, there is so much anger that is outward but the pain of what is felt inward knowing they have given up on being themselves and have swung like a pendulum trying to work out which behaviour was going to give them the love, misunderstood as attention, they have been craving.
Strong words and absolutely true. Thank you Ariana.
A big part of claiming ourselves is being real and not acting in a way to fit in with everyone else
Being ‘good’ or the ‘good girl’ can be something we play out in many not so obvious and actually quite insidious ways, can’t it MAS… I know I’ve most certainly played this – and to a level that kept a certain level of ‘saneness’, a certain status quo… for many years. The thing was, as I reclaimed myself and just naturally dropped the facade I had played, with its subtle giving away to others’ lifestyle choices, opinions, expectations of me and the rest, people started to react. At times the reactions became seriously intense – this occurring through no direct provocation of my own doing, other than I was making different choices and living what felt true.
I’ve learnt a bucket load from these situations – particularly around how the dishonesty of my earlier ‘playing nice or good’ didn’t truly serve anyone. No wonder others reacted when I basically stopped giving my power away – to them – their own comfortable status quo was rocked. I got to see how our own compromise serves no-one in a relationship, for without truthfulness we are just playing games with need as the currency of trade. And I also got to see deeper levels of the outplay of control between people that had been going on, and how I’d willingly played a part in it – all to keep a level of peace and keep others happy, and ‘happy with me’.
It is a great thing to reclaim oneself, and to be so inspired by another’s choices and natural strength to do so as you’ve shared MAS. As always, I truly appreciate your writing here.
So much of what we’ve bought as ‘good behaviour’ and the actual harm this engenders is exposed in your great blog her MAS. It’s powerful to read how being ‘good’ didn’t offer you the complete pay-offs you wanted, as in your words:
“I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly.”
Who do we truly serve in being ‘good’ and acting in a way that pleases (and needs to please) others? Clearly no-one if we are to be honest. We may not always be liked for speaking and living in a truthful way, but as you’ve shared here, truth is far more valuable than momentary favour.
I love the insight in this paragraph MAS as it highlights that basically any moment or time we are not in our heart and moving, doing or making decisions from there then we are giving away who we are- “To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true, an inner strength and clarity, the love that I am, and I exchanged this for something that is nothing compared to the knowingness to be found in this innate way of being.”
What an Awsome blog,
This is/was me also down to a teem and being good instead of being the authentic you is deeply harming for all.. Thank you for such a gorgeous and reflective writing… And I Big yes thank god for Serge Benhayon and Family..
Being true is the key. I have battled with myself through a lot of my life because things have been about right and wrong, which always comes with judgement. But now I ask ‘does it feel true and is it a true way if being’. This feels far more supportive to who I know myself to be.
Time has brought the awareness that being ‘nice’ and ‘good’ is about playing safe and not being in a position where anything uncomfortable had to be faced – sadly it is saying yes to everything we aren’t. Thank you Serge Benhayon for showing us there is another way.
The question, ‘why are so many good people unhappy?’ Is a great one, perhaps it is becayse when we are being good we are still trying to be something other than ourselves in the world. I love how you describe the woman who made ‘the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way.’ The choice to stand for truth and not good is huge.
Interesting insight that being ‘good’ is actually a form of control, amongst the many other ways we try to control our environment, When I begin to understand, or be more honest that part of this control comes from not wanting my own hurts and openings exposed, it becomes easy to allow others to be without imposing on them; and also being open to what is there to learn for ourselves in each moment, and understand that this is healing for us all.
I agree Annie. We may think that in being ‘good’ and ‘nice’ we are somehow submissive and not manipulating anyone, but this is actually highly manipulative behaviour.
How freeing it is to really get honest with this and see how we are manipulating people and situations to get the pay-offs we want, such as attention, approval, being liked…
For me, this is an ongoing process – this deep level of honesty with oneself and the exposing of these behaviours and layers of manipulation and control, which often imbedded within us from a very young age.
One thing I can say for certain today, is I would far rather prefer truth to the falsity of a nodding smile when something I am faced with feels completely off…
Isn’t it crazy how we can change our whole way of being to fit in with the people around us. I, for one, have done this so much in the past. With some people I would play the nice, endearing, pleasing girl, while with others I was the loud, funny, entertainer. My accent would even change slightly to match the person I was talking to. Now I know that that kind of behaviour is, as you say MAS, giving my power away. It’s the urge to fit in, be liked, and not be reacted to which was the main drive. Now I know, from connecting to the real me more and embracing who I truly am that there is no need for that. Just being my gorgeous self, and not holding any of it back, is enough.
And this worth that we give to ourselves does make the difference: what is valued will be given the attention and care that it truly needs. And what could be worthier attending to then ourselves?
If we choose to be ourselves and suddenly do not play ‘good’ anymore, of course others will react – but with time they will realize that the difference we live and reflect to them is in fact who we all truly are.
How much of ourselves we are showing cannot be determined by outer circumstances if we really want to be ourselves. Once we let anything dictate how we should be or what is safe to do or say we are just staging up a smaller version of who we really are.
Well said Michael. And how many faces in life do we end up acting and playing out for all the different people we know. It’s crazy and far easier to simply be ourselves.
We often do not realise what power is there inside of us if only we choose to let got of the ideals and beliefs we have taken on.
I agree Brendan, the key here is that we are worth it, every single one of us.
It is amazing to me that once we claim back ourselves and our own power, how often we are actually presented in life with situations that would have caused us to give our power away. It’s like the whole world is structured for us to not be in our power, and claiming it back is going against the grain so to speak. It is though, in fact, completely normal and amazing to be in our power and not for one moment feel that we should make ourselves small so as not to cause reaction in others.
So honest and straightforward, I agree, having lived this exact same game, I have felt how I gave my power away in order to have it my way (wanting to be liked and seen). It is actually interesting to see how much effort I have put into being small and hiding, while actually I am huge and deep down I very well know myself. It is interesting how this form of control was I have chosen to be the most dominant in my life. Now I turn it around, my power is who I am , which is that love, harmony and stillness. Today I stop the games and make sure I stay honest in my everyway.
“Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, “, how many of us have got caught in being good, I know I have and to do this I had numb myself from feeling, as if I allowed myself to feel it would bring up sadness. I would be good to fit in and be liked, which was not what I truly felt, but at the time I did not know any other way to be.
Being ‘good’ is the exact opposite of being supportive. If we are ‘good’ we might create an easygoing path, but we will neither support ourselves nor anyone else by covering up what calls to be looked at.
Yes Amita, I certainly have been caught up in being good and on reflection I can see how this has held me back and muffled my natural expression.
In the past I have seen power as something to be strived for or to try to achieve, and about trying to control someone or a situation -it feels very horrible and hard to maintain. The power you describe that is natural when you are being true to yourself sounds like it is completely the opposite, coming with an ease, no push on yourself or others and something that supports people. This version is gorgeous, and very much needed.
I can relate to a lot of what you have written here MAS and I have had many jobs where the environment was not set up for people to speak up and then I also would choose to hide, but I have chosen a different way of being at my present job and the benefits of speaking up far out weigh any holding back. Life is a whole lot simpler and less stressful.
“It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.” This is so true MAS. And when this is allowed to happen, all that anger has to go somewhere. In order for us not to feel it, it gets stored in our bodies which then get hard by way of protecting the hurts and eventually it can create an illness. And all as a result of being good. It certainly throws ‘goodness’ into question.
I agree and who or what do we think we are being good for? This is all a set up we take on from an early age to not be all that we are with no shame or need to hide. There does come a point when we see being good is not ‘it’ and as was reflected to you MAS we realise “it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.”
I am recognising that one deadly part of “being good” and trying to please to keep the peace is “being available” for others. I say deadly because it is like a death; when I do this the feeling in my body is lifeless, very weak, contracted, and powerless. I am making myself available for abuse because I am abusing myself by becoming lesser and ineffectual.Those receiving this sort of behaviour do not like it, there is no chance of a true relationship. Maybe this leads to a frustration that leads to abuse in order to get at least some response and know someone is actually alive? I indulged in this behaviour a lot, but since meeting Serge Benhayon I am continually becoming aware when I fall into it, and now can claim my power back, so I am infinitely more alive in myself from the core of my being and my relationships are changing and blossoming. In the bigger picture I am taking my place within the whole of humanity.
There came a point in my teenage years where I was extremely rebellious too. It was a time of letting out my frustration together with much sadness all because of the pent feelings of not living true to myself. I was deeply unhappy and after a few years of this behaviour I too resorted to being the good girl especially in work and in all of my relationships. Thank God I am gently coming out of this pattern as I deepen and commit to my relationship with self… self love… it is the only way.
“But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please”. Relying on the outside to give us love never works because when we are not given it, it is indeed devastating. Living in this way, we are forever at the mercy of every thing and every one around us hence giving our power away. As I begin to take responsibility for my life living more honestly with myself and others, my attachment with another and the need to control by acting in a way to please is becoming much less as I am becoming more accepting of myself and therefore of others.
Wow Mas it feels like a whole new world has opened up for you ! Your courage and commitment to speaking your truth is inspirational, thank you for sharing.
Being good is definitely a way to control the world. Or better, putting out energy into the world that is controlling. If this is indeed the effect,it is up to everybody. I’ve never thought that this way of being is actually harming. But it is very. There’s no connection, no joy in being nice. Really, when I’m writing this – there’s actually nothing of value in this. Nothing. Wow, how much energy goes into being nice on a daily basis. Personally, but worldly too. How freeing would it be if everyone’s just being themselves and express how they feel. In the last few weeks I am experiencing how much Joy there is when I ‘just’ live, with me. How full that is from itself. Even though I see myself fighting it as well, it is a lovely and very natural feeling.
You can really feel the difference when you say something that is true as opposed to something that is only half said and held back. In the latter exchange, everyone misses out on the gift of expressing love and confirming loves presence in that moment.
You sure can Julie Chung. It is a testament to the fact that you are living with truth in your life when an expression that is lacking love really gives us a good slap. I know I’m on the right track when I feel this in my body.
I agree Julie, truth has a resonance in the body, and you can feel when another has felt this too.
The simplicity of truth holds everyone in equalness and as you expressed Julie in loving presence.
“I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.” And we continue to see our early years as the kingdom or age of innocence!!
Spot on Eduardo and well said. We learn to manipulate via such deceptions as being ‘nice’ and ‘good’ from a very young age – and it is, by and large, encouraged and taught to us…
There is no innocence here, but a strong wilfulness to have the world a certain way.
I have realised all the compromises I accept (ouch!! I am feeling exposed here) with the consciousness of thinking “being good” is ok, are not ok if I am just ‘ticking the boxes’ as many do. I need to discern what I am actually doing and if I am remaining true to myself.
It is uncomfortable to realise that underneath ‘being good & nice’ can actually be many not so good things like: being fake, hiding, dismissive, living a lie, irresponsible to self and others to name a few.
Being true, that could make some waves, but now I see good for what it really is, truth is the only way…
Your sharing reminds me on, how much I was driven in the past. I was totally separated to myself and consequently to everybody else. At this time, I couldn’t obviously nurture myself and care for others, I was just in the surviving mode. To slow down and to connect to myself is an unfolding way, to confirm my stillness and my love within and the more I do this, I feel connected with everybody and the world.
This is a great blog about true power. The power that is first felt in the body and not from the mind. The power that comes out when we speak or move. It is so different to the way we have been taught or shown power to be. True power is never controlling, never leaves anyone feeling less, and never hurts. It pulls people up to be more of who they are in essence. It asks us to be loving and it gives no wiggle room for anything less. This is true power and in its essence it is so very healing.
It is wonderful to understand what true power is. As you said Robyn, our power is felt in our body and it brings an equality, an opportunity for another to feel and respond from their own essence.
And this is the true healing power of Power. The so called power we see in the world is not like this and we have been sold a lie that it is. To come back to feel the truth of Power and all that it is is part of the healing process. To then allow ourselves to live with this type of power is another part of the healing and then to emanate this is a further healing. Power is who we are in essence that is why it is so powerful 🙂
I love your words about true power – it pulls people up to be more of who they are in essence. We are all sons of god and to reflect to each other what we really are – love, is so powerful.
And so needed… It is in fact our responsibility to pull people up by how we are living and expressing true power.
Ahhh the ugliness of niceness. I have put so much effort into being a nice person, the ugly truth was that it was never for other people but to protect myself from other people. Breaking the behaviour of niceness takes some work, it’s like a giant comfy coat that covers and hides your whole body, but the more I see the truth about niceness, the more I know it has to go and that truth and love have to take its place.
I am learning that giving my power away does not work and only entraps me in false identity, but instead claiming my power and myself truly brings an absolute honouring, a joy and a purpose to my life and that of others with a flow and harmony within.This has come from knowing Serge Benhayon and his inspiration and great love.
There is a difference between being good and being true to yourself, but as I am learning, this does not mean being selfish or hurtful, because true to oneself is naturally loving.
Great point Shami… “because true to oneself is naturally loving”… How true this is!
I agree Shami, being true to oneself is never selfish and actually it brings a loving reflection for those around us to feel the self love and offers the opportunity for them to choose that for themselves.
Wow MAS that was really a truthful blog. I love it very much to read your words of honesty because they reflected to me situations I also experienced when I was a child. It is mind-blowing what we did if there was no harmony at all. I too gave my power away to have an assumed bit of “peace” at home and had to re-connect to my true power as well. Thank you for being so honest as it is an inspiration for others to also claim their power back.
‘I made a choice in my childhood to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love, or so I thought. ‘ MAS, this is what I did as well and sometimes even now, because it is such an ingrained pattern. To find the way out and to start claiming myself makes a huge difference. I feel much more steady and trusting now.
As I have learned just in the recent Universal Medicine workshop that we can choosen certain patterns like giving our power away to avoid living the responsibility and the great power we have. So in reconnecting to our strength and power and to focus on that we can lay a new ground to stand on.
From what I have experienced at work I came to the realization that expressing your truth in a loving way will take the tension out of any situation. Maybe you and your words will be seen or heard, maybe they will not. Maybe everyone around you will react instantly. But you will be with you and this power can be the most amazing game-changer.
Expressing what is already there instead of trying to find the words in the outside is so much simpler once we allow ourselves to trust in ourselves.
Yes, connecting to ourselves and to another is definitely key – expression will naturally be an effortless process with no thinking required.
Yes Michael expressing what we observe and feel and not pleasing other people or say what they might like to hear.
Smiling as I read your comment Michael – I remember well filling in the gaps of conversations ‘trying to find the words’ (making it up as I went along) to please the listener – instead of feeling naturally what needed to be said (or not). Trust was very lacking in my life until Universal Medicine/Serge Benhayon came into my life.
Thank you MAS, I like the way you felt inspired by another’s reflection of claiming themselves in full. This is the power we hold when we choose to let go of the masks we’ve taken on as a way of protection and be who we truly are.
Great clarity MAS in the ways we try to control or manipulate, even the passive ways, being nice, good and helpful so that no-one would be horrible, or worse expose our lack of honesty… and when we are attacked the devastation comes through having given ourselves away not being true, so there is nothing to fall back on as we had already abandoned ourselves in this game. It is worth staying true to ourselves, so that everyone has a chance to at least feel the truth of it, and whether they attack or not, you will know for yourself that you have held true. It is the most important thing as all else flows from that.
Great comment Annie. When we are ‘nice’ or ‘good’ there is an emptiness that is present, as we are not there in full. These types of expressions are devoid of Love and are just games that we play at our expense that leave us feeling less and hurt because there is never ever the possibility to win the game 100% of the time.
I love what you share here in this comment Annie and agree, ‘It is worth staying true to ourselves, so that everyone has a chance to at least feel the truth of it, and whether they attack or not, you will know for yourself that you have held true. It is the most important thing as all else flows from that.’ Truth is paramount.
Annie C I know exactly what you mean with “and when we are attacked the devastation comes through having given ourselves away not being true, so there is nothing to fall back on as we had already abandoned ourselves in this game” because I did this often in the past. Since I appreciate myself more, I have a deeper understanding for myself and of course love myself more – I cannot stay without myself and be true whether people attack me or not. I know now this is important because if there is no true reflection then how can people feel that there is another way possible.
This is such a wonderful blog MAS, I can relate to so much of what you shared. The running with being ‘good’ in life has been a consistent theme, then when realising this was the case, what to do to change that. Beginning to express, but realising just how much I still was in reaction to all that I had lived and how I had given my power away in so many ways. Then being in reaction to others when I saw that they expressed themselves. This has taken time and dedicated awareness within myself to turn this around. To really feel when the reaction comes in, how have I been within myself, what have I held back or not expressed to ‘keep the peace’. But the more awareness I bring to this, the more I am able to make other choices, to bring my truth, no matter my position at work or in life.
Great blog. For years I suffered from giving my power away for the sake of peace and also for wanting people to like me as the quiet, ‘nice’ person’. Since hearing Serge Benhayon’s presentations on this subject I am gradually changing and enjoying the satisfaction and feeling of power from speaking up and speaking the truth with love at all times. It was hard at first but is slowly but surely becoming a natural part of my expression.
For those of us like me who have learnt to stay silent rather than speak up the return to expressing the truth in those moments is truly empowering and liberating. When I speak I too feel the power in my body Jo, and the sense of connection with all, as I am no longer shrinking away from my part in the universe.
Absolutely Josephine – it is a pure joy to speak without holding back, to express Love and to contribute in a meaningful, true way.
As I let myself come back to the power within I am now able to feel the power in my body first before I speak. Initially this scared the pants off me. It was so strong and came with such a deep presence. I was concerned about how people would respond. But over time as I have let myself experiment and explore expressing this immense power within I have come to know that it is very much needed because we need to be reminded of who we are and true power does that.
Yes Josephine, I know this too. It is gorgeous to feel the power in the body that you and Jo speak of when expressing what is there to be said, rather than holding it back in case of upsetting someone. The shrinking away by not expressing creates a tightness in my throat and my voice gets weak, leaving me feeling lesser than another. This has been an age old pattern, but one that is changing.
Josephine absolutely, it is beautiful to speak without holding back. It is very self empowering, as one feels the power in the connection with the all.
Jo I had also always through that being the nice person that got on with everyone was a quality to admire yet the fact I can now also feel is that was simply being nice and actually is far from loving or true. The more I claim what I know, speak the truth and don’t back down the more I start to connect with what real love actually is.
Being nice doesn’t actually feel nice does it, it feels like a contraction from my true self.
I agree David, this is to be celebrated ‘The more I claim what I know, speak the truth and don’t back down the more I start to connect with what real love actually is.’
I was also caught up in the need to be liked. Even twisted myself into a pretzel trying to do this. It doesn’t work as you have shared Jo. It only makes us unhappy, hurt, and hides our true essence. Speaking up is both liberating and daunting, but the more I practice the more confident I feel and the stronger I become because I have felt the power of delivering the truth and the enormous healing that comes from this for all.
I am so enjoying hearing you express this Robyn and your comment above. What you describe is so real, feeling the depth and the power in the body first and also how speaking up is both ‘liberating and daunting’ as often we have to shed our old selves to speak out and speak truth. I am at the beginning of this journey and also have witnessed the power of the healing which comes when the niceties are left behind and what needs to be said is said.
So true, Josephine. Part of the process of speaking truth is discarding all that has been in the way of this being consistent. This is the liberation I feel and feeling daunted is because speaking truth feels quite foreign to begin with but yet so natural at the same time. There is a real art in delivering what is needed with the power we have within. I say go for it! Throw out the niceties and deliver what needs to be said!
Absolutely Robyn, again you deliver a corker when you say we need to chuck out all that stops speaking truth from being consistent. There’s that consistency word again and a powerful one at that as consistency builds power.
It sure does, Josephine. The more consistent I am in allowing my natural expression of power to happen, the more like ME I feel, and this is POWERFUL (still daunting at times, but still powerful☺). For to feel ourselves on a greater depth like this is truly humbling, as it serves as a reminder that this power is not just ours, it is everyone’s, and we are all equal in our ability to be IT.
I agree Jo, the more we speak our truth, the more we cannot hold back, and to just express with love becomes so natural.
“To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true, an inner strength and clarity, the love that I am, and I exchanged this for something that is nothing compared to the knowingness to be found in this innate way of being.” Sometimes as children we have to sacrifice our true selves to survive in our family of origin and become something others want us to be there is always lot to learn from our family of origin that’s why we chose them.
Just a simple thing I had experienced the other day: I had dinner with my family I rarely see. And We all sat together in a very familiar, cosy way. The fireplace gave it’s warmth and we chatted. And we came up to a more harsh conversation about loyalty. I didn’t won’t to spoil this romantic atmosphere and be a “good” family member by saying what I truly felt was really going on. So instead I found myself eating more than I needed and being awake longer than I was feeling fine with, and on top – I had a few days to find my rhythm again. Being good truly turned out to be more harming than helping anyone with it.
Thank you MAS, your blog had me soaking up every word you wrote… and the part..” I began to honour myself and allow love to be expressed..” is an awesome place to start as a way of deconstructing that ‘good’ behaviour pattern.
You very clearly unpack how the roles we take on that disempower us MAS and that is a joy to read. As I make the journey back to expressing myself in full I notice how much more alive I feel and vulnerable when I stop hiding and express from what I am truly feeling regardless of consequence. Avoiding conflict has been such a strong pattern but I am in the process of changing this, as to hold back on expressing is more and more painful.
So many of us have that desire to avoid conflict but in doing so we create a lack of trust amongst ourselves because we can all feel that people aren’t expressing what they are feeling so it all really is a needless pointless exercise where no one wins.
As someone who tried very hard to be a “good girl” from such a very early age, trying to please and make it better for those around me, these words sum up how dysfunctional my life was for many years: “I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly.” That unhappiness and the lack of honesty devastated my body and I wasn’t truly living, I was just managing to survive. As a result of finally healing the need to be good and reclaiming my power, my life has turned around in so many amazing ways, and now I really know how to live, and even though the “good girl” tries to pop in every now and then, her stay is very very brief.
Living your true self rather than being good; what a beautiful awareness for you MAS.
I really appreciate that you have taken responsibility to live and claim your true self; enjoy being and discovering the real, true gorgeously divine you.
I have deeply invested in being good rather that being true to myself. This impacted on me being flaky through life, unsure and unconfident. What if at school we were honoured in the process by what being true to ourselves meant? How would this fundamentally change all relationships everywhere and how we as individuals cooperate in the word together?
Your comment is great Rachel, especially the part about ‘the impact on me was being flaky through life, unsure and unconfident’. It is as if there is no foundation to stand upon that gives or provides the power to just be ourselves. Instead, there is an attempt to manage a way through life, feeling unsteady, rather than building and developing oneself through life.
Yes Rachel – the world would be totally different, when everybody would stop being good. Nobody would play any games any more – no need to please anybody, and then a true connection between 2 people would be possible.
Your contribution makes it very clear that being good is such a poor second to being true; the difference is vast and our physical bodies and lived lives show it as such.
It’s so easy to fall into wanting to be ‘good’ at work. Of course we want to be good at our jobs, but often this can come from a sense of lack – a belief that we perhaps are not good enough, which takes us into the need to prove ourselves. What if we already knew we are enough? Would this change the way we work?
I can relate to most of what is shared and it is inspiring to read how this choice to live in this way was practically turned around. Thank you MAS.
‘Instead of holding my love for myself and knowing I was enough, I chose to seek approval and tenderness from other people.’ This is something that most of humanity has done at some point due to the belief that we get love from others rather than emanate love from within. Knowing we are enough and hold everything that we require already within is the key to the reawakening of one and all.
Kathryn a very apt sentence to look at and one that I ran my childhood, teenage and early adult years by. Under the deep illusion that I was not enough and that the “enough” came from another. Yet if everyone else is also seeking that “enough” (and denying it in themselves) then we are all by virtue going to come up empty handed and deeply disappointed or given up. The transformation in my way of being since re-connecting that that love (what I would call the missing part of me growing up) is extraordinary. Without the presentations of Serge Benhayon I dread to consider how lost I would still be.
This belief is endemic Kathryn Fortuna and even after hearing the truth and connecting to myself I still fall back into wanting love and/or acknowledgment from outside at times. I know now that if I am feeling needy I have to look inside to what it is I am denying myself, where I am not appreciating myself or where I have left myself and given my power away. It is a belief that takes some breaking.
It would be a huge ‘relief’!!!! to be ourselves, but that is only the beginning.
I too know the ‘good’ package and yes it delivered, it was a false sense of worth and purpose in life…but every time it was challenged I would become enraged…because it didn’t work and my lack of self worth was felt…but as you beautifully share – living from the love within, letting go of control, starts to open up a whole new world of a whole new way of living, living from our power, the power of love.
Thank you MAS, such a sharing reminds us, brings to our awareness, a deeper vulnerability within us, that many of us don’t want to feel…this vulnerability actually opens us up to a deeper place and that is the power of love within as you so gracefully shared…we wear different masks to be in the world and forsake who we truly are, what a misunderstanding that the mask will protect us, so we feel loved. The irony and a jail sentence.
The key out of jail is love…but when you have lived imprisoned for so long, it can be a process to undo that and what you’ve learnt in jail…but when that key is turned and you walk out of that cell, you have a whole world in front of you, and it can be frightening, confusing etc but if you bring love with you and walk with love, then the world becomes home, there is such a solid support within, because that is who you are, a true smile takes care of your lips as your eyes switch on showing a beauty within, the love that is you. Love is the key.
This is beautiful and true Karoline. I too experience being true arises a sense of vulnerability as the mask of nice or good is shed and truth is spoken.
I love this sentence Karoline: “if you bring love with you and walk with love, then the world becomes home”. This is so true. With love as our anchor the world is ours.
Beautifully expressed Elizabeth. This shows that we always have a say in the world in which we live by how we live and the choices we make.
It’s great how you share that the “good girl” who suppressed so much of herself eventually had to become the “bad girl” as an outlet for all the anger and rage of “being good.” Doubtless is some cases, a good dose of guilt at having been “bad” would then predispose the person to “be good” again to appease the guilt of “being bad,” and another continuous and vicious cycle develops ad infinitum. Such a yeuk-y game to play with ourselves. Let’s just be true 🙂
How about a T-shirt? Be true not ‘good’.
Go for it, Josephine, what a great idea!
Yes, MAS, that being good syndrome bars the expression of honesty every time! I have known it very well and continue to observe it my professional life where I work with girls who are taking precisely the same route – it starts early in life, as you note here. A wise revelation that omitting honesty means that no tension in relationships can be resolved – we suppress and avoid at the same time, to the detriment of our physical and psychological health. Great sharing, MAS: thank you!
I never knew how often or how much I changed myself for other people before Universal Medicine and how deeply inspired I am when I see, hear and feel Serge and Simone Benhayon present, unwavering in who they are and coming straight from the absolute truth no matter who is there to hear.
Great blog, to which I can relate. I lost myself completely in the name of being good in order to receive attention to cover up the deep hurt inside of me due to not connecting to who I really am. It’s a vicious circle, and I tried harder and harder.. Loosing my self more and more.
Thank you for sharing your inspirational journey of transformation back to honoring who you really are.
I can really relate to this MAS. I shut myself away and became the good girl in order to soften the blows created by those around me. As a result of feeling unseen for years, I became anorexic in my teens & began to seek out attention in any way I could.
The more I honour me and my feelings, I also honour all the relationships that I have in my life. As I deeply and consistently learn and live this way, I feel as if I am growing up, maturing in some way.
The old chameleon act, the fitting in to be liked is one that I am sure many of us can relate to. However in order to do this requires us (as a wise woman once said) to pretzel ourselves and it is this very act of pretzeling that brings tension to our body because we are not simply being ourselves.
As I was reading the earlier part of your article MAS, it felt like walking on the edge of a huge mountain drop where one slip and the consequences devastating. We become very vulnerable when we have to control every move in order to not be ourselves.
So true, Elizabeth, that this scenario also invokes all of our strategies of control – I know the sore lower arm syndrome (control) vey well and it is attributable to that “not rocking the boat syndrome,” for fear of bringing attention to one’s self and losing the apparent security of not being true to You. Crazy headspin – it’s not even logical!
It’s interesting to see how children adapt themselves to fit into their environment however the adaptation is not just a remodelling of their original natural self but a new identification having had to leave the true self behind and create a new persona. There is so much self rejection and sadness in this. No wonder we have children, teenagers and adults today with depression and anxiety.
So true Elizabeth. No wonder we have people with depression and anxiety. ‘Remodelling’ our natural selves is like completely shutting down and turning the light off to our true essence. Self abandonment.
I have noticed this week some subtle ways where I give my power away. There is still this belief that others can feel ‘better’ than I can, so I trust their feeling more than I trust mine. I also notice how easily we give power away to somebody who is an authority on a certain subject, lets say making websites, and how easily you just don’t listen to what you feel yourself anymore and just go with the ‘authority’. It’s great to observe where I don’t trust what I feel and just override this, and go with what somebody else says. It is all giving my power away. Being your own authority, that’s the learning.
Yes Marietta, well said, I can fully relate in the different ways that we can give our power away…it is exactly that ‘Being your own authority, that’s the learning.”
Yes this is something that so many of us do. We base our understanding on the ‘authority’ or knowledge someone may have rather than feeling what is right for us. We all know the truth and yet doubt if we think someone else has more experience. It’s all about being responsible and trusting ourselves.
Great point Kathrynfortuna – It does take a while to break those old habits and excuses (giving our power away) to say ‘I don’t have the knowledge or understanding’ making that the focus instead of applying what ‘feels right for us’ Observing ourselves in those situations and not being hard on ourselves and expressing more freely can certainly lift that momentum bringing forth trust, more learning and taking back responsibility.
Today I’ve discovered how I’ve completely identified with ‘responsibility’ as being it something to be for others. Which led to a cycle of giving myself away constantly. The perfect excuse to not feel all the tensions around me. It is such a strong pattern that I really have to claim myself back! And taking responsibility, rather then giving my power away – by choice! As I’m writing I understand that taking responsibility is about taking responsibility to be connected to me – all of the time. I knew this, but now I feel it. Wow, what an illusion / a falseness is taking responsibility for others.
Re-reading this blog, I found this sentence…”Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this”…it reminded me to look at the ways I resented people for not accepting the false me as much as I resented being it…so the best punishment was stay detached from myself.
Haha! Classic Joel. This is funny and true the times I have resented people for not accepting the false face that I resented having to put on in the first place! Oh my gallbladder how you have suffered.
Trying to be ‘good’ is such an insidiously disempowering behavior that so much of our upbringing tries to mould us into. I have found that when I am subscribing to being ‘good’, I end up focusing on what is dictated from the outside which I take on as the picture of ‘good’, whilst completely ignoring the very valid inner wisdom and the actual reading what the situation in front of me requires.
Very valid point Golnaz, while pretending to be good we can ignore our, ‘inner wisdom and the actual reading what the situation in front of me requires.’ Being ourselves and honouring our truth is what will make a loving difference in the world.
‘I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so politie.’ Control feels as a very narrow and tight way to live, as if we try to put ourselves in a small box that does not fit. Trying to hide in a small box is very painful and causing anger and frustration. Your blog is very inspiring in changing this way of living and to follow your inner truth and live the power of the woman you are.
Your comment reminds me on, that in the past I always tried to be someone else and I couldn’t accept all of me. I thought I have to be tough and hard to be a real man. What an illusion – nowadays I find out, how tender and delicate I am, and that is just awesome.
‘It was not sustainable for me to live being good long term, as there is a lot of pent up anger that can build in the body by not living in a way which is authentically you.’
I played a game of trying to be the perfect person so I’d be liked. Suppressing and not knowing who I was meant I was lonely by myself but uncomfortable and insecure with others because I felt fake. I’d no foundation to who I am and believed all these pent up emotions were me; so when people said they liked me and I felt all these horrible emotions inside, I couldn’t accept the compliments. This has taken a while to realise I’m not these emotions and I can let them go and be myself with others. So much simpler than hiding.
I agree Karin I also reckon I accumulated a lot pent up anger from being nice, good and not expressing who I really am. This resulted in some angry outbursts and heated exchanges with some poor unsuspecting characters before finding my feet on a more stable platform.
I can so relate to the being good to keep the peace. Whilst it is a management strategy, expression is buried and even now I can still have difficultly finding the words to express myself fully and can fear of rejection or reaction.
I agree Benadetteglass, the fear of reaction or disapproval can be quite a force to deal with for the sensitive beings we are, I’ve learned to avoid this collision in my life, but it really doesn’t work for me anymore, it’s going but not completely gone.
Thank you Matthew. And how important is it to appreciate the awareness we have and to support ourselves to return to our full expression and not go into self-criticism for the ‘what is not’ or the hurts that we have allowed to suppress who we are?
Hi Bernadette and Matthew, it is quite the to-ing and fro-ing that we set up in relationships with one sensitive being reacting to another; when all that is required is for us to bring the understanding that perhaps the other is in reaction or is rejecting us from their own hurts. All too often it is one hurt trying to relate to another hurt with neither truly
seeing or understanding the other and both feeling victims when in truth there are no victims. I sometimes think that it is amazing that anyone gets on at all
Same for me Bernadette. I have avoided confrontation all my life – so buried my true expression, which eventually manifests as disease in the body. Fear of judgement from others and thus rejection led me to be quiet and good. At last I am learning to express more truly to myself and more openly, supported by the amazing expression programme founded by Simone Benhayon.
How much abuse have we tolerated by being ‘good’ and not speaking up.
I agree Sue the expression programme has allowed me to connect more deeply to the truth that resides within me. I am loving it.
Yes bernadetteglass, the fear of rejection or reaction is a big one for many of us.The more I express the easier it is becoming although I can still hold back truth especially with certain individuals for fear of being rejected. At these times, I have to remind myself lovingly, what is important, to hold onto my hurts or let them go and express truth.
‘This was not an overnight fix to a life of hiding, but it was about not letting things be buried because they were too hard to deal with.’ The commitment you have made to the truth of who you are is inspiring – you are now that woman from whom you received the inspiration! Inspiring indeed!
Being “good” is nothing more than wanting to be “liked”, a way of being that corrupts our innate ability to express the truth of things, and thus understand life on a much deeper level. It is sugary coating on a toffee apple – subverting the natural sweetness of our true expression.
So well said, Adam, ~ you totally nailed it. Being “good” and wanting to be “liked”, ~ been there, done that.
haven’t we all. The world could do with less “good” and more honesty, even if that means it is not so pretty and orderly.
Well said Adam, “…nothing more than wanting to be “liked’….it is a sweet poison, not just for us but everyone we meet and relate with, as we are actually asking them to also be in their poison of choice as they play out their number. So who is showing who something real?
Spot on Adam. An abandonment of Truth for the comfort of not rocking the boat so we will not be asked to be more. Being good provides us a mask, diversion and a place to hide – the sugary coating that you talk about – it doesn’t change what is underneath and its no good for our health. There is great unease in knowing we are not living the truth and not showing others who we truly are, the gold beneath the sugary film.
So true Adam – it is not about being good, it is about being truthful and the truth allows us to evolve. Being good keeps us in the comfort, no development is possible.
I agree alexander1207, being good keeps us in the comfort of life where we think we are doing well but there is not true evolution as we are compromising the truth within ourselves.
‘As I began to head down the path and leave ‘good’ behind and started to embrace a way that was more true to me, I was plagued by fear and thoughts that wanted me to stay comfortable in my familiar ways.’
It can see like we are moving mountains, but when taken is just a simple step – and quite easy.
…’ I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices – the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way. This woman had re-claimed her power, and now I feel it is time for me to do it too.’
Every choice made in truth is a step towards the next, and although at first it seems daunting it is actually harder to hold back. As I make the choice to back myself , more and more, my foundation grows in strength and everything is so much clearer. When I hold back and give up, the fog of confusion descends very quickly and i am left with no clarity.
I remember being a very good boy when I first started school but after a time I realised that I kept being punished whether I was good or not . Things like getting hit with a ruler by a vicious Nun for talking to someone, and at the time not really understanding why. So I decided to be bad which wasn’t true as well.
MAS, I also “I became the ‘good girl’ of the family”, and “I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite”. I have also found that claiming back my true power is “about being me” and expressing from my inner heart, thanks to the inspiration of Serge Benhayon.
I’ve tried being ‘good’, but it never ever felt true. It always left a feeling that I was actually not good enough and that something was missing, which was me. There was also a steady feeling of anxiousness in case I got something wrong. Good is almost out of the door.
Matthew, indeed no matter how much “good” i would do, it never was the answer. There are still times now I try “good” again to no avail. The fact is with “good” i was also always worried i was being “bad” and throughout all of this I left out the key ingredient – being true. What I now feel is that when I am being “true” then simplicity comes and the anxiousness subsides.
Well said David and understandably so as we were brought up to be good and phrases like ‘what a good girl you are’ or ‘have you been a good boy?’ were common but these days I say to my grandchildren ‘It was great to see you were yourself today’ or ‘Why are you acting like that this is not you’. This is a very different approach as it gives the child permission to be themselves.
David what you have shared feels like a cooling balm ‘ What I now feel is that when I am being “true” then simplicity comes and the anxiousness subsides’.
Love what you share here David, “when I am being “true” then simplicity comes and the anxiousness subsides.” I also recognise that when I tried to do good, there was always the failing factor watching and waiting for something to go wrong, creating a huge tension in my body.
“The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised.” I spent the majority of my life wanting recognition from things I did and how exhausting it was on m body as I was looking outside of myself for love. Now I allow more love for myself and honour how I am feeling and this has been a massive step forward for me. Thank you MAS for sharing this outstanding blog and thank you Universal Medicine for helping me see that being good is not being truly honest and only hinders me and others and that’s not love at all.
Kelly what you have shared has rung home for me. “The more I love myself there in no need to please and recognise. Often what is felt is the honesty that we bring to the conversation for yourself and for others.
Michael I agree with you that honesty has the power to diffuse many difficult situations almost instantly. Honesty acts like a balm when it is delivered with love and not with emotion. It then calls the other person to be honest and makes it much harder for them to be dishonest as dishonesty stands out in stark relief when in the presence of honesty; which is why we have so much dishonesty in the world because dishonesty hides amongst dishonesty.
So so many people if they allow themselves to feel into it, (I know I relate strongly), can see where long standing behaviours first came about: “I became the ‘good girl’ of the family. When my siblings and parents fought with each other, which was often, I could feel the disharmony in the house, and so I became very ‘good’.”
Honesty is the biggest gift we can make in every moment we live, as we allow others to feel inspired and open up as well. It is incredible how many tense situations can turn to ease when we choose to speak our truth.
Yes, with honesty and expressing what we feel, these tense situations disappear. If you give the big pink elephant in the room some attention and not try to avoid it, it is amazing how simple situations become more loving, joyful and light.
Yes its not called the elephant for no reason we all can feel it and it is huge!! So much better to be out in the open.
Absolutely Michael . the stress of holding back the truth is felt as a tension in the body, and everyone can feel it .
So well said Michael. “It is incredible how many tense situations can turn to ease when we choose to speak our truth.” I agree, it really is incredible how simple things can be when we simply choose to speak truth as there is no trying or pushing to convince another that you are right and they are wrong. Truth is truth, and if someone else does not want to hear truth then that is up to them but it does not need to affect you, the deliverer of it.
So true Michael. Honesty unlocks the natural expression that we all long for… allowing the flow of love to spill into all that we express.
Absolutely Micheal, the complication we bring in by not speaking our truth brings in a huge tension.
The true devastation is the day we choose to leave ourselves and become something else we think the world wants. This never works and the more of us who stand up and reclaim our power the more will follow until one day being empowered will be a natural way of being for us all.
I love the way that you acknowledge that ‘being good’ is a complete performance. It is something we create that means that we are not the true us. It is an act that manipulates and controls, and far from being truly good it is insidious and harming.
Yes as ugly as it is, it’s true. Our human spirit finds a way to manipulate even the one closest to it, our self, to have the recognition it so desires.
Hi Rebecca, just to add to what you have presented . . .being good is harming as it is living an ideal, a ‘should’ that is not in connection with the intelligence of our own body and inner heart. Often the reasons we are being good is because we do not think we will be accepted for being ourselves. The need to be good is often drummed into us from an early age and it can take a while to break this habit.
I agree Kathleen, being good or being nice can be a way to control a situation, so that people don’t react, or to control someone so that they may also be nice back, rather than perhaps expressing what is true. It can be an arrangement where we don’t express what is true on condition that the other doesn’t express either – so then that doesn’t expose either of us in the falseness. But as you say it is harming to everyone to allow this as there is a truth that has not been acknowledged or expressed, keeping everyone in what is not true. It also takes some practice to completely uncover the levels of dishonesty we have been willing to live, but it only takes a commitment to taking those first steps towards honesty and truth will begin to unfold for us.
Hi Annie, I love your comment as it has expanded ‘being good’ in a really good way. Ha ha the good ‘good’ Yes I can see how controlling being nice or being good actually can be. What a set up! ‘Passive aggressive’ is the phrase counsellors use for people controlling others in this way.
Hi Annie, I love your comment as it has expanded on ‘being good’ in a really good way. Hahah the good ‘good’ Yes I can see how controlling ‘being nice’ or ‘being good’ actually can be. What a set up! ‘Passive aggressive’ is the phrase counsellors give it and you can see just how it can be used in that way.
I agree kathleenbaldwyn, “…being good is because we do not think we will be accepted for being ourselves” so we play a game to ‘fit in’ and please, instead of being who we truly are, naturally expressive and full of joy. I can remember when I was a child feeling very confused; “why aren’t those around me feeling the same as me?” I learnt to ‘fit in’ and hide under the guise of the good girl because I received the attention and recognition I was looking for as I simply wasn’t being accepted for who I truly was.
Yes, it is very deceptive, when caught in ‘being good’ we wrongly think we are being good. It feels horrible for all to feel this and is very harming for everyone.
So true Rebecca – being nice is really harming and so far away from living love and truth.
If we look at history we can see how we have been fooled by so called noble and sainted people who appeared nice, yet they were in fact insidiously evil and caused enormous harm. Being nice has affected humanity greater than we can imagine.
Wow what a familiar knowing you have shared and also your loving way back to this strength in being and honouring you again is very inspiring. I love your opening words “To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true, an inner strength and clarity, the love that I am, and I exchanged this for something that is nothing compared to the knowingness to be found in this innate way of being.” This says it all.
This good way of behaving is epitomised in the sacrifice that we make for others. Many religions around the world support this view which has us giving our power away and thinking we are doing the right thing. Only when we begin to honour feeling over thinking and connection over individuality do we seem to begin to get to the heart of the matter. This is a different kind of sacrifice altogether.
It is so powerful to be honestly yourself and that power lies in choices. We do not have to worry about past choices, just the ones we make from now. There will be reactions because many, many people are not living who they really are and this living the truth will stir things up for them. This is definitely what the world needs. Many people living who they truly are, encouraging more people to do the same.
Absolutely Amanda woodmansey. The more we align and come from our true nature, the more others can know themselves back by that loving reflection.
“There will be reactions because many, many people are not living who they really are and this living the truth will stir things up for them.” So true Amanda, but as we start to live more of who we are we start to feel a steadiness inside and out. Our reactions become less and we begin to feel what it feels like to finally come home to ourselves.
Well said Amanda, just to add to what you have expressed the reactions from others are often due to the fact that we had not presented ourselves in our true light from the get go. I know that for myself as I was of the habit of presenting as meek and mild, or happy go lucky, depending on the person I was looking for acceptance from and yet in my authentic self I am far from both and this a times surprises people as this is not what they had signed up for so to speak.
This is what the world needs, people living the truth of who we all are. How amazing will that be?
I very much appreciate your comment here Amanda. It holds such a deep understanding and acceptance of what can readily happen as we reclaim ourselves and drop the dishonesty – a dishonesty that so often keeps everyone (or most) appeased and off our backs, but as MAS has shared, gnaws at us because at some level within we know we are living a lie.
If the reactions of others are understood as ‘par for the course’ and we commit to deepening our understanding in relationships, so much can open up – what a ground for learning it is… The compromises and manipulations we have lived have unquestioningly contributed to these relationships and what may arise. Understanding all of this offers us a place of expressing and sharing with consistent truthfulness, and also detaching and letting go of our needs in relationship if reactions from others become abusive.
Very powerful to keep our hearts open no matter what occurs – accept, understand, and appreciate that in offering truth to others, that this is a true way of relationship. For in a society drowning in ‘nice’ – truth is absolute gold.
I absolutley agree Amanda with what you say here about what the world needs. “Many people living who they truly are, encouraging more people to do the same.” And yes the more that we do live all that we are, the more things will get stirred up and people will react, but it has to be this way in order to begin change what is no longer working in the world.
The importance of knowing thyself well described here: “This was the start of a process of re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply. The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised. More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.”
When someone is ‘being good’ there is a lack of trust that is clocked. You can feel it. They are holding back in some way. Wearing a mask and playing a game.
good point kathrynfortuna. I’ve played this game a lot and yes it feels like its controlling how I’m received… the clarity and directness I can express is not there.
The clarity and directness I can express is not there. Annie, there is much power in your words here, you know what you can bring and you have shared it here so beautifully, A confirmation of you and a reminder for me of what I bring. Thank-you.
So very true Kathryn. When I am being good or trying to please, it is as though I am not enough. I’m untrusting of myself and that others will receive me favourably. But mostly I’m not trusting that I am enough and that is all that is needed. I don’t need to be more.
Yes I have noticed this often kathrynfortuna and the level of game playing deepens over time.
When you say that you would say what you felt without holding back – this is power in itself. There is power in allowing and acknowledging what it is we feel. As your story describes, we can easily shut off from that and live in a way where we don’t acknowledge what we feel. Power is not big and grandiose. It is a simple as knowing what you feel and expressing it.
Well said nikkimckee, “There is power in allowing and acknowledging what it is we feel.” This is where the healing begins, and then,”It is as simple as knowing what you feel and expressing it.” And this is the way back.
what I have found is the more I am willing to express what I feel, just let it out with no trying to make it sound ‘right’ or ‘nice’ it tends to be very well received in that it’s just sharing what you feel. I am having to learn this over and over and over again, and it is the willingness to express that is key as I have a lifetime of pleasing, manipulating, measuring that is very automatic that I have to consciously choose not to live like that.
Wonderful expressed Vanessa – I can relate to this very well. Especially the word measuring reminds me on my comfort zone, the way I lived in the past. Everything was somehow measured and calculated – there was no playfulness and simplicity. This is changing now by being more honest with myself, to feel what is really going on and to make more loving choices.
I agree Nikki, there is power in acknowledging what we feel and self-acceptance and self-appreciation too. And I like your definition of power too, as not being big or grandiose, simply being able to express what you feel, naturally. Thank you.
I’m also discovering the power that comes with expressing what I feel and leaving it there. As soon as I justify or want someone to understand, my power is gone.
“As soon as I justify or want someone to understand, my power is gone.” This stopped me in my tracks. How true! I was feeling this on my way to work, but these are the words. Thanks nikkimckee.
Yes, i agree there is true power in being our natural selves – no trying required, no inflation or playing less for when we be love, we are one with all.
Love this nikkinmckee “As soon as I justify or want someone to understand, my power is gone.” because we then become imposing and there is no power in that at all. Just an imposition to us and the person we are trying to convince.
I agree nikkimckee, it is powerful when we allow ourselves to express fully what is felt in our bodies and not the mind.
Love that nikkimckee, “Power is not big and grandiose. It is as simple as knowing what you feel and expressing it.”
So true nikkimckee, expressing truth of what we feel with no holding back, no trying, no glamour but simply as it is.
I love how you describe power here nikkimckee “Power is not big and grandiose. It is a simple as knowing what you feel and expressing it.” This is far removed from what we have been led to believe power is e.g. something that has some sort of hold over another because of the strength or force behind it. But as you say, true power that comes from a deep connection to ourselves, is very simple and has more strength than any counter force that comes towards us.
I had an experience of this yesterday when I was very clear in my expression, both in what I was expressing and in how I expressed it. There was such power in it but a huge amount of stillness, delicateness and space for the other person.
This is beautiful Nikki and a true confirmation of the wisdom and love that is always within you.
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog MAS. It feels this is another step in the claiming of you.
“To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true,” Oh, how so many have done this but through the inspiration of Serge Benhayon there are now hundreds, if not thousands, who are re-claiming their power. What is also happening is that all those who have/are re-claiming their power are inspiring others to do so too.
‘Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, because if I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, then I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict. This waan’t what a good girl does, and more to the point, this wasn’t what I was prepared to do.’ With this statement you take responsibility for the behaviour you had and it is honest and true to say ‘ I was not prepared to do so’. It gave me a bit of an ‘Ouch’ but it is true being the nice, good and polite girl is always a choice to not stand for my truth.
I found it really useful to know that I don’t have to say things necessarily out loud for everybody to understand what is happening. The way I physically move, the way I pause or not pause when speaking, when I do these in my fullness, then they already have a much stronger influence than I initially realised. We don’t get praise for being true but over time us being true makes a big difference for everybody around us.
Absolutely Christoph, expressing ourselves is not only speaking up but our whole presence all of the time.
Yes, and our presence can have a stronger effect at times without our voice than with our voice. Once both work together, presence and voice, it gets even stronger. This is quite awesome.
We don’t get praise for being true which is what can make it seem so easy as children to walk away from truth. With established patterns of being good and saying the right thing, there can be a few bumps in the path returning.
Yes I totally agree Christophschnelle. Us being true makes a difference to the world around us.
Great point Christoph! We do not have to actually speak what we know for this can be fully expressed in a myriad of ways, particularly through our bodies.
Being seen to be good is a fully integrated part of modern life, but I find that being good in the eyes of another does not always lead us in to relationships that are wholly supportive for the people that we are.
You say that you gave your power away to others: – “by saying “Yes” instead of saying “No”, I allowed myself to be overworked and mistreated, and held back from saying what I really wanted to say.” It appears you (like most of us whether we allow ourselves to be are aware of it or not) said to yes to dishonesty and yes to abuse. It is actually abusive to allow others to abuse because it harms them as well as those who they are abusing. So it is abusive on every level (ie to yourself and others) to allow unloving behaviour. This is just one of many ways that we can expose the great harm and deceit in what we commonly call Good which is not of true-good at all.
Thank you MAS for sharing about the evil of Good which is greatly underestimated and even trumpeted. We wrote in Unimedpedia about the true meaning of evil here: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-evil.html and equally about the evil of Comfort. Good and Right are two more deeply harmful expressions that need to be have more light thrown on them as you have here.
Hi MAS, I can certainly relate giving my power away from young to old. It’s a concept I feel not really understood in society and the community. If we all knew what this meant I’m sure our choices would honor our power. We would learn, as I have, to simply accept our power; and if it was lacking – to constantly accept we are and have power. Only through Universal Medicine (not my parents) my awareness was born again that I have power in truth through stillness and love.
Great blog MAS and very inspiring, It is painful to stay away from the truth.
This is how I felt too Alexandre whilst reading it. How exhausting, constraining and debilitating it is when we choose to hold back truth by playing being ‘good’. It is painful for us and supports no one.
Said so clearly. The tension that builds in the body because of a lack of truth can come in many shapes and sizes. It can be difficult to realise the cause of tension is from walking away from truth.
Everyone is robbed and diminished when we are not expressing our true selves. We, as you so brilliantly portray in your blog Mas, and others, for they have to witness another deserting our selves. Both sides of the story cause great sadness.
I can relate to your blog so much MAS. It is a very debilitating thing when you are not knowning how to claim all that you know to be true. It is so great that you were able to slowly over time re-claim your power by just being and holding you, and then letting the conversations flow.
MAS it feels that you have already claimed your power back, what you have shared here is super powerful and I am sure many people can relate to. The mask of the ‘good girl’ is evil, one that I have hidden behind because I have been afraid of speaking up or rocking the boat. Once we see the ill of that mask and choose to not to wear it any more, it loses its power over us as we see the beauty and truth of presenting who we really are.
I agree Donna Gianniotis, what MAS is sharing here is very important to talk about, as so many hide behind ‘good’. The world is filled with ‘good’ people, so why is it in such a mess and so much ‘bad’ happens everywhere? This shows to me that “good’ does not work, as it’s not our truth, it’s a mis-interpretation of the Love and Truth we actually are. Once we all return to living from that essence in us all, life and relationships will truly turn around from what we have now as our not so pleasant reality, which we all have had a hand in creating.
A great article MAS, we so easily fall for the being ‘good’ and being ‘polite’, all it really does is mask what is really true. In attending the workshops by Universal Medicine I have come to appreciate the harm ‘good’ does and how depleting and exhausting it is on the body. Standing up for truth and not giving our power away is a great reflection for others to understand that good does not mean truth.
MAS Thankyou again for the blog. I have definitely given my power away to others in a need to be liked and accepted. I gave my power away to whether they did or did not accept or “see” me, effectively giving them the power to devastate me should they withdraw their approval. At the time I could not see I was settling for less than love, and I was also unable to appreciate or support myself – I could not even be my own back up. It’s so important to be our own friend in life because the often stormy seas of relationships can throw anything our way. Having the solid support of the self as we go through life is a much better way to be.
MAS, I can totally relate to growing up being ‘good and polite’ rather than being true to me. I too would be devastated when someone criticized me because I had invested so much in being good, doing what was ‘right’, and in making sure that I didn’t rock the boat, that everyone was ‘happy’. What I realised in reading this blog is that I still have some of these investments. Worrying about how people may react or judge me holds me back from being in my full power, being true to me.
I love your honesty Camin, and I can relate to what you say completely. It’s quite a learning curve to start to claim ourselves back and to fully express in love, without worrying what may come our way from that. Thank God we have the most amazing role models in Serge Benhayon and his family, to keep inspiring us to be all of who we are, because that’s the only way nobody loses, but all gain and grow.
Unless we take responsibility for our lives we live bound by our childhood hurts. It is our choice we can live as victims of our hurts or take responsibility to make a loving choice to heal them and reclaim our true selves.
This is a fantastic blog, thank you. I can really relate to your story. Being good over being true I have found leaves a lot of resentment as the investment in the outcome is never what we feel it should be. People still find critique in you even when you’re playing the good girl mask. This can really hurt as the investment to be good hasn’t been rewarded. Standing up for truth can be hard and we can have deliberate setbacks with reactions from others which can make us doubt ourselves and retreat back to the good girl role. This role can only continue for so long before we call it out for what it is. It lacks responsibility and keeps us hidden. Claiming our power is difficult if we have led a life of choices that allowed us to avoid this power. However living in a body that avoids speaking truth can be incredibly debilitating and can create a life of feeling empty and sad. I have always found speaking truth easy but speaking truth without reaction and delivered with love and true understanding for another has taken time. Speaking the truth from love is a really beautiful feeling and leaves everyone involved with an opportunity to heal and grow.
Along with “good” I also realise that “nice” doesn’t work either! They come from the same angle and neither delivers truth, only comfort to keep the status quo.
I can relate to so much of what has been written “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, because if I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, then I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict. This wasn’t what a good girl does, and more to the point, this wasn’t what I was prepared to do.” When I read this now I can look back and see why I felt exhausted all of the time as life was one big lie. It has been since meeting Universal Medicine that I have been able to see underneath all the mess and make changes that mean I can choose to express as me. This is ongoing as the ‘good’ behaviour is recognised and let go of as it serves noone
It is really funny, but I just replied to a comment: We can choose between Good or God, where Good is the illusion and God is truth! And now everywhere I read the word “good”, I read “not God”. It even takes me back to how the church tells you to live as a “good person” that for me only takes us away from living as the true Sons of God that we are.
What a great sharing MAS and it explains how it is no wonder that pleasing and trying to be good is so extremely exhausting.
I keep coming back to this blog and each day i realise more and more how much time we can spend in frustration and resentment abut things simply because we have not said or expressed what is really the truth. Being polite or ‘nice’ instead. It does not make sense to pretend something, and then be upset at the world for it not being what you want it to be.
“The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised.” I found this true for me too, as I started to be love for myself, my self confidence started to improve. I no longer needed to please or be recognised. Self love supports our confidence, our expression and the power within us,
Very true. Self love is hugely powerful.
By giving our power way we have to shut down so much of who we truly are, suppress our natural voice and expression. Control our movements and how we act. It is a prison that we create to live life through. The anger you mentioned is bottled up, really at ourselves for the choices we made to live this way. Many times no one has asked us to be this way but it is the way we decided to be that would bring the attention, based on the lack of self worth and love that we hold for our selves. It fills the lack and emptiness that we feel inside, or so we believe it will, but in truth it just adds to the emptiness.
Agree, by being ‘nice’ and ‘good’ we imitate ourselves and create our own prison. And in this prison we have no free view of life, we have the tendency to blame others for being trapped or create some drama however. The crazy thing is: we start it to ‘not rock the boat’ – but this boat is our prison and to rock it is a true act of love for all.
Great clarity in what you express here Gail, I can so relate; and yes, the anger is actually at ourselves for the choices we made to not honour ourselves, but to ‘fit in’, to ‘be nice’, and as you say, this just adds to the emptiness, as it’s not being true and real.
What you share MAS is so common in society- “being good”, the ” good girl” growing up. I gave my power away to others and did what I was told because of the catholic church’s doctrines of obedience. I thought this would bring me closer to God and guarantee that when I died I would go to heaven.
Like yourself, anger, resentment and deep sadness was held within my body as hardness. Thanks to talks, workshops given by Serge Benhayon and sessions with esoteric practitioners I have now been learning to express how I truly feel and not give my power away.
It is so crazy, but there are actions which could be truthful when done in the true energy, but if instead the same action is done in the needeness to be good, to help somebody or to expect back something it is already an action lacking love and done selfishly.
Hilarious comment… I have had the “old bag” feeling many times, and even today find myself looking carefully at dispensing with wanting to be liked, and instead choosing love.
I had an experience where I felt it was the correct thing to do to stand back and let people sort a situation for themselves. I knew they were being manipulated and influenced by a select few but thought it was their journey to work that out for themselves. Since then I have learnt , that standing back can sometimes allow space for what becomes a breeding ground for untrue stories and lies. I had given my power away and was hurt to observe how harming and nasty some can be, led by ideas fed to them by others. From this experience I have learnt how incredibly important it is to stay in your power and face situations directly.
Wow MAS, this is deeply insightful and inspiring and a must read for everyone. Each and everyone of us can relate to what you have presented here. We may have done it differently, found our own unique ways of trying to fit in and be accepted but the basis of the story applies to us all. I love this line, “… people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!”. Goes to show no one wins when we give up being who we are, we think it does but time always shows there is no greater sorrow than missing ourselves and living less than who we are. Thank you again MAS for a super supportive sharing.
I agree with you Caroline. It is also such a true point that you make that, “no one wins when we give up being who we are, we think it does but time always shows there is no greater sorrow than missing ourselves and living less than who we are.”
I agree as well, “no one wins when we give up being who we are”.
I love what you have shared in this blog MAS, I love reading about your transformation. This morning I was particularly drawn to your last paragraph of appreciation;
“In appreciation to Serge Benhayon for the amazing reflections of true power, a power that comes from love, that emanates and reflects absolute responsibility and integrity… and, of course, to this gorgeous woman for offering a reflection, a gorgeous reminder of the power that lay within us all”.
I am inspired by what you shared, thank you.
“The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised” – great line MAS , yes the abuse and corruption in countries, companies, workplaces, families is down to this single missing ingredient – the love of self. Because when we start to self love, it becomes harder to compromise on this/ourselves and we realise that Love has a currency, and an invaluable one too that’s not worth trading in for, certainly not for any type of abuse which is the case when ‘being good’ is to the detriment and depletion of ourselves in the ways you mention. Deepening the love closes the door on abuse, and of ‘being good’.
I find it fascinating how in the past I have totally dis-empowered myself in relationships not just with partners but with friends, colleagues, bosses pretty much anyone. Possibly not all the time but on a regular basis this would be what I would go into. Lately with the support of the Esoteric Breast Massage I have started to feel the enormous impact that it has on my body and the way I feel. I shut down and become hard and protected. I have come to realise that I even can do this with loved ones, crazy how this is what I feel to be safe yet I am not being all of who I am. Now I can understand that I have actually been keeping everyone at bay so not to get too close with them and even myself. I love how this is changing and I am dedicated to being all of who I am and not giving that to anyone or thing.
I was a carbon copy of this pattern and have also been breaking out of this over the last 10 years. I have found the most well developed pattern for me is not allowing myself to be aware of what I feel is around me or how I am reacting to that. This is something I am having to work at by staying present with my body so I can actually know what is going on.
This has been my experience too Fiona. I find staying connected to my body is the key to present truth with love and not from a place of hurt or reaction.
I shared a similar experience in my upbringing too MAS. I am finding now that when I do not express what I am feeling that my body speaks very loudly! It is hard to keep quiet or not walk feeling my power when I get extreme nausea if I don’t. Thanks for your sharing MAS – I love how your write – there is a great clarity, warmth and authority in your voice.
It is amazing Simone that our bodies speak to us when we do not express truth and how this communication gets louder and louder as we begin to feel the enormity of the consequences when we do not claim our power and speak our truth.
Hey Simone, I am also starting to really feel the side effects if I don’t speak how and what I am truly feeling.
It is like my body is getting louder and louder the more that I honour myself and develop those deep self caring techniques that I have learnt.
Wanting to please is an easy trap to fall for and a way of losing ourself and then we seek identification and acknowledgment from others. Although taking back our power can be daunting to begin with, when we begin we are back on the path of true loving responsibility for self, our awareness and confidence grows and flourishes and that can be of true support not only for ourselves, but for everyone, because we are living ourself – honouring the truth of who we innately are and everyone can feel and respond to that.
I often hear parents farewelling their children and saying, ‘Be good’. I cringe when I hear this, and your blog puts into words why, so a huge thank you for this, MAS. And so with my own child, I will never say ‘Be good’, but I will say ‘Be true’ and she knows, even at such a young age, exactly what I mean.
I love that Suzanne!
Even ‘be honest and say what you really mean’ would be good!
Oh I love that suzanne anderssen, that is such a huge difference, ‘Be true’ and be you, it feels so supporting and confirming how amazing the child already is.
How awesome! A friend and I changed the standard saying of ‘have a good day’ to ‘have an evolving day’. It was only a little quirky bit of fun at first but it felt amazing to say.
I love what you share here Suzanne, and I totally get it. How beautiful your daughter does not get sent on her way with the request to dull herself down, to fit in, but to be true. The order “Be Good” feel quite stifling.
That’s amazing Suzanne, very supportive in a way that allows her to grow, rather than feeling confined by “good/bad”.
I too had a strong belief of what it meant to be a good employee. I believed that whom ever was paying my wage for me to do my job, owned me. While I held this belief I felt like I was basically not allowed to be myself while at work on their dime, rather I had to be the person they wanted me to be or the person I perceived they wanted me to be. I totally gave away my whole self the minute I walked through the doors of my work place. We would slowly become a robot workforce rather than a human race if we were all to live by such false ideals such as I had. No Connection simply function.
Tonisteenson, I can so relate to what you say, I have done that for a long time too, and it can still happen, that I try and fit what I believe is expected, rather than just being me in my fullness. Thank you for the inspiration to go deeper with this, to allow myself to be me.
MAS there is so much psychological insight conveyed in this blog, it is a testament to your honesty, understanding and clarity. Add to that a fabulous writing style that leaves me asking for ‘more please’ MAS.
Being true instead of being polite or being good is a very simple way to really support ourselves and others, as we let go off the investments we have in outcomes and open up to anything that might unfold.
It is an ever developing path, but a rewarding one. The freedom of living with truth and love without expectations of anything in return takes commitment and dedication, but it is like living a different life!
I very much can relate to what is written here. I used to be the „good girl“, behaving in a way that was expected of me, causing no problems and trouble etc. I behaved in that way because I wanted to get recognized and be loved. However I have never received the attention and love I aimed for. Instead this behaviour went at the expense of me – I was ignoring and overwriting what I was feeling and in doing so gave my power away. Still today I feel in my body the hurt, anger and sadness this giving my power away, me not being me for most of my life, has caused in me.
We live as if we are bound by our childhood hurts yet you MAS are a living example of the fact that we do not need to be. We can make different choices and therefore have different outcomes.
I agree Elizabeth, it is easy to identify with past hurst and play the victim mentality until we realise that we have a choice to heal and let go of them and gently start to accept and live our true loving nature of our being.
Totally Elizabeth, It is a momentous moment when we realise that the childhood patterns we carry, such as being the ‘good girl/boy’ are simply a product of how we have found a way to manage or cope when we were in childhood. Building a relationship and re-discovering that sense of ourselves all begins with self care and self love.
It is a strong and powerful realization to get that we hold on to our hurts and so, we can also let go of them, if we chose so. We do not have to be bounded, we can free ourselves and call forth a space again in which we all can unfold.
Very good point Elizabeth Dolan, MAS is a living example of the fact that we can make different choices whenever we are willing and ready to. We do not have to be bound by our childhood hurts, once we choose to take full responsibility.
Well said Elizabeth, we are not bound by our former choices as we can be led to believe. Sure we carry them with us but in any moment have the choice to change. The before and after pictures (http://www.universalmedicine.net/before–after.html) show how it is never too late to make more loving choices.
“the choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way.” This sounds like a great foundational way to live. Claiming of ourselves can be quite a long process when we have been used to being so good and giving our power away. It is in our choices as you say and starts with our accepting,appreciating, loving and honouring of ourseves.
Thankyou MAS, taking back responsibility for one’s life is so empowering and this act leads the way back to love – truly inspiring. I enjoyed your clarity around it – and share so much of this myself.
What I especially love about this blog is the re-claiming of your power, not a discovery of something from outside of you that has been pulled in, but an already living fact of who you are that is being realised and brought to the surface.
Well said Shami – the reclaiming and expression of true power can only ever come from something already within and can never come from something outside of ourselves – and the amazing simple fact about this is that this power is naturally available to us all, for we all have it naturally within.
Absolutely Angela and Shami, beautifully said. This power is within us all and it is Universal. It has nothing to do with what we do, where we’re from, how much money we have or don’t have, what we look like or how we dress. It is already there within us from the minute we are born, and its just as you both say, we simply have to make a choice to connect to it and allow it to shine out.
That’s one of my favourite things about the esoteric way of living. Is that it is a RE connection to that which was and has always been within. It is not some enlightened state from achieving something outside of myself, but from a connection that has always been there, waiting patiently and with love.
Thank you for sharing Tracy, this is amazing, and so true, if ‘being good’ was ‘it’, then we would not be left with anger and sadness. But as you say, it ‘being good’ can seem very comfortable, because it seems the safe way to go. But everybody loses out when we are not being true and honest, but play nice instead; no true love and connection can come out of this ‘being good and nice’.
To be honest I don’t know what life might look like if I committed to living it from love and not trying to survive by being good or nice. I am willing to have a go though.
Good and nice are so expected by society, but love is a far greater expression, especially when it is there equally for all.
Love your honesty here Jinya Mizuno. I have felt my own holding back and it has nothing to do with what I do, but completely about speaking and fully expressing the truth in the moment, without fear of what another may think or feel.
I know what you mean Matthew, when I hold back from speaking and expressing what I feel to it is always because I think I should not say that or do that in case it may offend another person, or they may think what right do I have to say that. The more I do express what I feel the more normal it becomes for me and I find when I simply say what is there to be said it is often heard yet when I mince my words and try to adjust them to fit in the other people get confused about what I am trying to say and do not understand it. We are all equally love and from love, when I remember this it begs the question why would I want to hold back from being love with an equal brother?
There will be moments of fear and anxiety and there will be reactions from people, but there will also be moments of great wisdom spoken and people will be so inspired by you choosing to speak the truth. It can be daunting to break a deeply engrained pattern but speaking the truth is very much needed in the world. Working together towards a one unified truth takes all of us to get truthful about ourselves and where life is at. It is going to take some time for this to unfold as we have given our power away and chosen to stay in the comfort of being good.
and yet the more of us that choose to be truly honest, the more that will follow, as our hearts and souls call us back to that one unified truth patiently awaiting our return.
Yes, we may think we do not know how life would be by committing to love – but we definitely know how it is when we don’t do it! And that tells it all.
Yes Sandra, absolutely, we have nothing to lose!
I can feel the sadness of not committing to me in full when I read this – rather I was committing in full to pleasing and being good for all others at the expense of the truth in me. When I read that another did the same I question what the heck we are all doing? Simply playing games with each other – for no truth can be lived in this way.
So true Lee. What is strange is that while we are all playing this game we still can’t please everyone when we are being good. It makes much more sense to live in a world that celebrates the truth being expressed rather than being surrounded by a continuing layer of lies. This does not serve humanity and prevents us from working together in unity. How can we bring a one unified truth to humanity if we are all playing a role that is based on being good and not on truth.
I too had sadness come up Lee. When it is exposed for what it is it seems silly trying to be good instead of true. But it is a deeply engrained behaviour to be good, especially in the work place, where speaking the truth can be quite scary and can place one in a vulnerable situation. While people sometimes find the truth hard, they ultimately appreciate someone who tells the truth and we all know when someone is playing being good but not true. What I have felt from being good is that it leaves me feeling resentful when things don’t work out. I can run with a story of feeling disappointed because I focus on the fact I’ve been good so therefore I should be rewarded or have things go my way. Living life in a truthful way over a good way is far more rewarding for my body.
Your level of truth here is awesome Lee. The games that are being played are pure evil and pure illusionary. No amount of games can taint who we truly are deep down inside and there is no way that any of the games that are being played are true, even in the slightest sense.
Great question Lee Green – “What the heck are we doing?”. Living a lie by conforming to societal constructs that do not in any way ask us to true to and honour ourselves. I love that people like MAS are choosing love and saying no to this game any longer. What if we all did? Now there’s an inspiring thought.
I can certainly relate to ‘giving my power away at work’, I had such low self-esteem that i would try really hard to please and get it right, working extra time unpaid, not stopping for breaks, not taking care of myself just wanting to prove that I could do the job and was worth being given the job and also wanting to be liked, this was very hard work. Since being inspired by Universal Medicine I now care deeply about myself and work in a very different, much more honouring way, this is still a work in progress but i actually enjoy work now and am much more confident in my work.
This is a common theme in the work place. I can relate to giving my power away at work too. It is exhausting and draining and I found this way of being led to resentment and disappointment as the game of playing good was never truly rewarded. The game just keeps going round and round and the body becomes more exhausted. Honouring my body and claiming my truth in the workplace is something I now continually chip away at.
MAS when you share “I had no idea until now, how much anger and sadness was within me for having made this choice to be good.” it is something that so much of the world can relate to. There are so many of us who choose to be “good” over speaking our truth that this is considered a “normal” and “good” way to be. The very fact that being “good” causes so much anger and sadness now gives away the lie I had a vested interest in. When we start to let go of being “good” I feel we start to take a step towards living from who we truly are and all the freedom that brings.
The deep deep sadness that is felt in selling out to good is the absolute devastation that we have left ourselves, and we are no longer expressing, shining and letting out the truth of who we really are. Unfortunately we have set up a life and a world that sells good only because it doesn’t want us to be who we really are, it doesn’t actually care if we are good, or bad, or naughty or nice, or successful or a failure, as long as we are identified with anything that makes us behave in a way where we are not ourselves.
So true Danielle. Right from the start the world asks us to be a certain way that is most often contrary to the knowing in our inner-hearts and thus it slowly squashes the you-ness out of you and installs a new program of systemic ideals and beliefs to conform to.
It’s also possible to feel that it’s us who asks us to be a certain way, us who aligns to what the world around us is saying, because we have in the past been the one’s saying it. This is empowering because it’s possible to see that the world can’t impose anything on us and it’s really up to us how we want to be and live!
So true Danielle and Jeannette. No wonder we grow up with this insidious feeling of guilt that we are doing something wrong all the time. But that ‘wrong’ is actually the fact that we, at some point chose to leave ourselves and not be who we truly are.
That’s it Kate Chorley! And I have a sense of children feeling guilty and like they are doing something wrong for not leaving themselves as well. For if they stay true to them they often upset their parents and teachers and so they abandon themselves to keep the status quo and please others and thus that feeling of doing something wrong is compounded twofold. ‘Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we utter to deceive’ – perhaps Shakespeare was referring to deceiving ourselves, for indeed we become entangled in a web of painful pretence every time we dishonour the truth in our hearts.
I Love what you’ve shared here katechorley, it’s huge. This feeling of guilt or even fear of being caught out as a fraud, I feel this goes very deep and even results in a level of anxiety that we all live with, like we’re constantly looking over our shoulder waiting to be caught out. So deep deep down we know that we’re not truly living ourselves and instead we’ve chosen to fit in and the hurt of choosing this runs deep.
You’ve made a great point jeanettegold, that the sense of feeling that we have done something wrong come’s from both directions. If we don’t leave ourselves the world reflects to us that we are out, that what we are living is wrong and that there is something wrong with us. However if we do confirm to these demands of the outer world and leave ourselves to fit in there there is a constant pull and feeling that we are doing something wrong that is coming from our inside, which is constantly reminding us of our true way of being. The key to identifying which is the truth, is to deepen the relationship with ourselves, our body and to a very gentle and tender way of being who we truly are. When we engage in living with ourselves like this we can’t help to feel the delicateness of who we are on the inside and begin to live in a way that honours that this is us, and we don’t care what the outside world thinks.
I can relate to the fact being good can cause so much anger and sadness. I’ve experience this on a personal level and also seen it in the teenage students I teach who rely on identification and recognition through being good. There are times I have offered students a moment where they shouldn’t be trying to be good, but be true to themselves, and this was quite scary for them and they literally weren’t able to do it. There is a lot of comfort in being good and it feels generated from feelings of fear and rejection. It is a deeply rooted pattern of behaviour in many people, especially religious people who have chosen to be “good” as this is what they feel is God’s wishes. If being good were true then we wouldn’t be left with the feelings of anger and sadness, this exposes the game of playing it good instead of true.
This is so simple yet so true “If being good were true then we wouldn’t be left with the feelings of anger and sadness, this exposes the game of playing it good instead of true.” It’s so true, the problem is that often we feel that being more good or better will fix the anger and sadness and we go deeper into it, choosing another charity or praying more or donating more or being nicer, all with the hope about feeling better about ourself. When at the end of the day the true answer is to be ourselves.
As someone that used to defer to others, I’m conscious of how language empowers or dis-empowers. There’s a difference in saying ‘Do this for me’ and ‘Do this for you’ Or when someone asks ‘What do you want me to do?’ Give back power by asking ‘What do you want to do?’ or ‘What do you feel you want to do next?’ Asking ‘What do you think?’ was one of the ways I handed power over to others, unable to feel my own inner wisdom. A wise friend hands the ball back and encourages you to feel for yourself. We can stop the rot of disempowerment and support others to find their own way by being discerning in the words we use.
By choosing to be me and to express who I am, I say: “Raise with me!”
I love the power in that.
It is the power of claiming my truth.
The power of taking responsibility.
The power of being aware of our all connection and equality.
It is the power of Love.
Rise with me… love it sandra.
It’s almost ridiculous to consider that we are brought up in a way that encourages us to be good, be nice, be polite and behave. It’s not to say that we should be disrespectful, it’s just that all of these things are used to encourage us to be less, to disempower ourselves and not to express what we feel, when instead we can be Love and reflect and express truth. The evil in this is that no body wins, instead we have 7.3 billion people walking around being less than who they really are and either playing the less game or presenting themselves as more or better.
This game of being less is a plague. And it seems we have become experts in it all together. Time to let go and present ourselves just how we are. That starts with learning to connect to our bodies again and feel what is going on there. The body will tell us what’s there to express.
Yes I agree Caroline. The body does’t deny that it come’s from God (like the mind will), and will only ever tell us how to live in a way that honours this.
Yes we are encouraged to accept being and expressing less then we are – like all others do on this planet. And I agree, it is ridiculous. But it is a cycle of growing up and teaching then how we where taught before…to break this cycle it needs someone who claims to stop that, someone who starts to take responsibility again, someone who encourages us to take our power again. And we have that “someone” in our era, it is Serge Benhayon. And now as well so many who are inspired by him. Time to break the cycle of disempowerment and turn into a cycle of self-empowerment again.
Absolutely Sandra we can all be the one to self-empower and then inspire others to claim the same.
It is a truly ridiculous state of affairs, Danielle. We sit around asking, ‘are you going? You first. I’m not going unless you are’, instead of saying to everyone, ‘come on! Let’s Rise!’
I agree Danielle in the way we are encouraged to being nice and good when growing up only to fit into something that is acceptable in society never questioning the pent up emotional turmoil that is being built up from not expressing our truth.
wow Sandra, I can feel how powerful we are all together.
Yes we are. How great is that?! – To claim our power back is huge.
By playing the ‘good girl’ (or boy) it is like the amazing, wonderful, shining and raising balloon I am is loosing its blazing Glory and shrinks. I give my power away and so I wilt. There is no ‘good’ for anyone in this.
And yes, by claiming my power I give a pull to all other ‘balloons’ so to say. We are all connected and if one of us choose to raise all others get the impulse. Some may will welcome that, some others will find it confronting and fight it – but what is the alternative? To shrink together? Come on!
I love how we can heal our past by learning from the present. What you are doing and discovering at work is so powerful and turns everything that you experienced as a child on its head.
Through presentations and courses by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I now understand and can really feel the damage to the body of when we give our power away. In the past I had a sense of how I would do this, but not fully, not consciously. I would also have no idea of how to stop this (as silly as it may sound) as it felt like a perpetual energy similar to running water. And you are right it definietly Does Not Work! So how do we stop this? By calling it out and claiming fully who we truly are.
Being ‘good’ is such a crowd pleaser. Our tired parents love it, our friends are endlessly thankful for it, our over worked bosses lap it up, our needy partners wallow in it. Oh how we love people who are good and I too was such a good girl and the nicest of adults. It is only now that I have found truth that I can feel the oilyness of nice. Nice coupled with good equals what amounts to an oil slick and off we all slide into the realms of who we are not.
Great blog MAS. Good, nice and polite on the outside, inside seething from the self-deception. I can relate to that one. It feels completely different to live true to one’s self than trying to please and be accepted. And as you say we can try and bend backwards and do handstands for recognition and its never enough. Some will still not ‘like it’!
Thank you MAS for this article. The good girl I was too, and I can rely to what you are saying very well. I too, could say the right things at the right time and I was good in controlling life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite. But all of this was not good enough and I was constantly looking for something else I can be better with. This set up was a big illusion and self created. Now I can see this is what I had made up to not get hurt, as a protection from old hurts that I did not want to feel. It is awesome to read your article how you have found back to your truth from within.
Being Good is an old story in my life. Step by step I realize in wanting to be good I am not me at all. I am somebody who tries to meet the expectations of others, try to avoid rejection or anger and as such leave my truth, so being good is in fact harmful for oneself and others equally.
Me too Kerstin – I have been very ‘good’ at judging others to feel how I should behave around them for those reasons. It feels so dishonest now, with a form of deception rather than living from truth.
I had to smile at your expression here, Shirley-Ann, a quintessentially english phrase! I feel it’s a case of becoming comfortable with a new way of expression, not holding back and always expressing the truth, with love. At first it may appear a bit awkward, but the more we do it, the more normal it becomes. The ‘old bag’ is certainly just an illusion to deter us from stepping up.
“I didn’t talk or when I did talk, I changed my voice and spoke to them in a different way so not to disturb.” This line resonated with me greatly MAS. I have been noticing lately how I alter my voice depending on how someone feels when they walk into my workplace. If they seem angry or upset I use a more high pitched girly voice and speak very meekly but when the person seems happy and open I use my normal tone of voice. This was highlighted to me very recently and begs me to ask, why we change who we are to suit other people in terms of how they may react or not react? This definitely is a form of giving my power away. This blog is brilliant thank you MAS.
I was brought up to be good and the consequences of not being good were pretty extreme. This led to a certain amount of rebellion which also wasn’t true and very harming. If truth had been the thing to strive for instead of not putting a word or foot out of place, the rebellion wouldn’t have probably been necessary as love would have prevented the need for it.
Beautifully said MAS, and whilst we continue to fall for polite and good we are colluding in the grip it has over all of us. For each of us that steps out of the deceit we offer fresh opportunities and invitations to everyone else.
Wow MAS, you have exposed the falseness in niceties and politeness and how disempowering it is. Holding back truth and the fullness of what we have to offer leaves us as less and those around us also miss out. An inspiring blog, thank you.
MAS this blog is truly amazing. It is amazing to read how far you have chosen to come and the steps you have made for yourself to express truth. When I read your other recently posted blog about being haunted with the desire to not live and then this one, I think WOW – these should be published side by side front page news as an inspiration for others to know such a change can be made. Deep thanks MAS.
So much to reflect on in your blog MAS. ‘I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy because I wasn’t living honestly. I also refused to deal with any tension that I felt in my relationships.’ This describes how I was living also. I love and appreciate learning and understanding how I can make choices to live in a more honest and fulfilling way. Heartfelt thanks to Serge and Universal Medicine.
As I expressed in this blog, there was me being ‘good’ in however that looked and there was me being ‘rebellious’ which also had a look. I have discovered that the true ME is someone that is sweet, delicate and sensitive and can draw upon an inner authority and strength to honour what is true when needed. The true me was here all along – fancy that – and embracing this has allowed me to stand a little taller and feel a little stronger.
‘Doing good’ and ‘being good’ is the bedrock of a lot of charitable and nonprofit work. This article exposes the foundation on which 99% of charitable and nonprofit work sits.
‘When I expressed from my heart with love, many responded warmly to my openness, and we began to share in a way which was much more intimate and affectionate. Managers started conversations with me about issues in the workplace and they became curious as to my views on workplace relationship issues.’
Thank you MAS for this ground-breaking approach to ‘human resource management’ – and I put quote marks around this term to highlight how remote HRM is from what has been shared here.
Re-claiming my power and responsibility go hand in hand. Expressing from my immense knowing, looking ahead to see what is coming next in life and being prepared, remaining in connection with me, taking care of me at all times so that what I bring to others is complete. All part of releasing the victim (that was simply a mask) and living in the truth that I am responsible for everything that happens to me. Thank you MAS for writing this blog which no doubt resonates for many.
I am so glad that we have these blogs – they are there for all people to read that they have a chance to see through the game of selfabuse. We try so hard to not to be ourselves. What a game it is and set up that we thought it works but it really does not.
Well MAS, I could have sworn when I got to the bottom of this blog it would say, written by Emma Danchin? My insights exactly to a life of hiding who I am in favour of being liked and accepted, by being good and being right.
I really enjoyed the detail of your insights. The depth of sadness and rage within me is directly due to abandoning me. Becoming a parent triggered all that was buried to be seen reflected in my daughter and the way I related to my partner. I now have the clarity to see that so many arguments with my partner could be avoided altogether if I wasn’t so obsessed with being right, being good, being perfect and therefore needing to prove this and push their criticism back onto them. I have tried to control everything so that this game of hiding won’t be exposed. The layers of the ideals and beliefs reveal themselves slowly but WOW seeing this one is a real game changer.
‘Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ Oh now that rings a bell! And something I did for a long time whilst growing up. Being the ‘peacekeeper’ yet all the while I knew something did not feel right .. I was not honouring me and what I felt, but instead tried to make or keep others ‘happy’; which inevitably gets nowhere because that is each and everyone’s own responsibilit. What we need to do is to teach the next generation to honour what is first felt and if nothing can be felt to give them the tools to reconnect (like Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have done) and then others in their life will naturally get pulled up to all that they can be anyway 💕
“I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.” This is beautifully inspiring, MAS. Thank you.
“Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!”. I chuckled at this phrase, so true! How could anyone have a go at me when I was being so good! I also really love how you talk about being inspired by a woman who had chosen to lovingly back herself. For so long I didn’t think it was possible until I met Serge Benhayon who has lovingly backed me all the way with any of my decisions and shown me I can now do this for myself.
Yes me too Suzanne. It shows when we try and be good or try to please others, which means going against what we innately feel, we invest heavily in this and expect something back. It is like we have done a deal with life – ‘I will give up on being me and be good, so I will be left alone’ When life or people appear to renege on this deal we get doubly hurt because we have such an investment or a need for it to happen.
Thank you MAS. Letting go of the incredibly strong ideal of being “good” is certainly a task at hand – but as you have discovered, it takes you away from being your authentic self and keeps being truly loving at bay. Everything you have experienced, for yourself and your own self-discovery led you to be able to appreciate the power and strength in the woman presenting, instead of being filled with jealousy that you were not where she was. What a great opportunity to appreciate how far you have come, and how you are also able to hold this strength and power, delivered with the love that you are.
If only adults knew what a child has to sacrifice and how they have to reduce themselves when they are demanded of, to be different to how they are. We pretend so well; may our livingness result in future lives that have established such great strength of knowing who we are that never again do even our parents pry-us from us: “But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!”
Giving ones power away simply means not being one’s self, being disconnected from our bodies and hearts, and playing out a role that we feel comfortable in, that will not challenge or upset others, in other words playing a smaller, contracted version of the grand, stupendous all knowing beings we all are. The ridiculousness of this becomes apparent when we become aware that everyone is in fact playing this game, but are we only deceiving others, as great harm is done to ourselves and our bodies in this role-playing.
I can very much relate to your blog MAS, having played out the good boy role growing up, being the helper and caretaker with my mother. This built up a lot of sadness and anger that I turned my back on being myself, molding myself into a way of being that wasn’t truly me.
MAS, you mentioned being ‘quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self.’
Because we are choosing a falseness in the way we are being, choosing ‘being good’ over ‘being true’, we are suppressing our innate expression, so it’s natural that we would then feel a great deal of sadness and anger at our choice to hide. However, for the other person, our reactions probably seem quite disproportionate to the situation, which would be quite baffling at times and possibly provoke an equally disproportionate reaction from the other person who is now in protection …. and so starts the very unnecessary explosion, fuelled by our decision to be nice!
There is always an angel in the room pulling us to be so much more!
Being ‘nice’ is another but very similar game to being ‘good’ and worn like a mask to keep people out, to keep us ‘safe’, to hide anxiousness and vulnerability, and to show the world we’re coping – trying to be something we’re not…rather than just being in the honesty and vulnerability of who we truly are.
And it’s also a way, an act that we use and can relate to using. It’s something we use to protect ourself but really it allows the rot in society to continue because so many people are making life about not speaking up and being nice but not about truth.
Paula I know what you mean, for a long time I had played the nice game mainly to keep myself safe, but in truth I was keeping everyone out. I was always showing I was in control and I could cope, I never wanted anyone to see the vulnerability in me.
When I read, ‘The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised,’ I feel the stillness of who we are when we choose to stay with ourselves and let go of chasing our tails.
We have this stillness whenever we choose – something I am beginning to accept.
Thank you MAS, for a really great article, I can so relate to what you’ve shared, so much like my old life, of being good, getting it right, and always a saying yes, the pleaser, the helper. In all these ways I too gave my power away. Only recently have I come to acknowledge the deep hurt and anger that has resided in my body, by my own self abuse and not honouring me and acknowledging what I truly feel. I now am able to open up to accept and claim more of my own truth and power, and that I do have a voice, and that I actually do matter in this world.
‘Only recently have I come to acknowledge the deep hurt and anger that has resided in my body, by my own self abuse and not honouring me and acknowledging what I truly feel.’ Awesomely said Jill. I have a feeling many of us are on a trajectory of understanding (and feeling) exactly how much abuse we have allowed, normalised, minimised and trivialised. I agree, finding our voices matters big time, as do each and every one of us.
One thing I’ve learnt is that when any of us speak up and speak the truth of what we’re feeling and seeing, if we are consistent with it, even though it may not be everyone’s cup of tea there is a respect and regard that people have for you as they know where they stand. This is much more valuable than being liked.
‘process of re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply.’ I am starting to feel the beauty in this power. It’s not a corrupting power but one of truth and stillness that permeates the universe with it’s clarity and light; its presence. It is a stabilising power whose source is forever deepening.
It must have been so exhausting for you to pander everyone around you for so many years. Great to have you back!!! I prefer 100% someone who claim themselves, although it can be unpleasant or not so comfortable for myself then, instead to get this fakeness, which really seperates and doesn’t serve anybody
I agree, Steffihenn, I have felt very uncomfortable when other people have expressed their truth and it’s really shocked me, like ‘I can’t believe that they have said what they have’ … however, the dis ease is not from what’s been said, rather, from my realisation that I too could have chosen to be this way, to speak up and be honest, but it’s been my choice not too.
Claiming and being in our power has nothing to do with control, manipulation or force, it is all about our power to express the love, harmony, joy, stillness and truth that we are.
MAS I can relate to being the good girl as I have followed a path similiar to yours. I would always be the trouble shooter, the bridge builder and the counselor to everyone in any conflict situation. But never was I me, as me always felt not good enough. The road of trying and being good is exhausting and in the end get’s us nowhere but seeking endless control. The only way is the way of our innermost, the way of the Esoteric and The Way of the Livingness, as this brings us back to who we are and who we are is simply divine.
The problem with trying to Be good, is just that, we are TRYING, we have to as we are resisting being who we innately are to be something that we are not. This forced way of being can then be quite imposing on others ….. I also remember being the ‘counselor’ to my friends, however, I cringe when I remember how I felt so sure I was helping when I gave suggestions, when just listening and giving the other person a hug would have been so much more loving.
A super powerful blog – I was blown away already by the opening line – ‘I made a choice in my childhood to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love, or so I thought.’ This is very familiar, I too spent most of my life attempting to be ‘good’. Thank you for your sharing.
‘I had no idea until now, how much anger and sadness was within me for having made this choice to be good. I was quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self.’
It has been a great turning point in my life to realise that the anger and frustration I have often felt at the world, other people or in my relationships – has actually been the result of my own lack of being able to clearly express myself – rather than the blame being on everyone else.
This was a shocking and brilliant moment for me too. When the blame game screeched to a halt one day and I started to take responsibility (not blame) for my choices.
I know this is huge Simon. That all our reactions in life and to life could be simply because we are feeling the hurt of not being true to ourselves and expressing who we really are.
So true simplesimon888, it is much easier to blame everyone else rather than look at our own choices and lack of expression or frustration at ourselves. I know I have been guilty of externalising these feelings and blaming others.
A fire cracker of a statement Simon, that the frustration you (and I) have felt at life and with others is actually the result of your (and mine) own lack of being able to clearly express yourself (and myself). Psychology 101… 🙂
Upon reading your comment Simon I can feel how most of the hurt I carry is actually in truth, self directed, as I had chosen to not be me in a world that so sorely needs all of me.
Wow, MAS thank you for sharing. ‘I became the peace keeper, the daughter who didn’t cause any problems. I was finely attuned to where everyone was at; I could say the right things at the right time and did all my chores diligently.’ I too gave my power away by doing exactly what you’ve described. So much of what you’ve shared I related to very well. Now, like you, I am claiming back my power and to express who I am in full.
The game of being good is actually quite a bad game to play. We teach kids to be ‘good kids’ but in truth it is a path that sets them up to fail and fail hard in some circumstances. The longer the good game is played the further we have to fall, sometimes we never fall but just keep playing the game.
Yes, i hear this all the time ‘he/she is a good boy/girl’.
We are encouraging if not demanding that our children fit into a mould, play a role and fit the pictures we have and society have formed as appropriate or acceptable.
We may as well be telling them to give up on themselves, don’t be true and give your power away. It doesn’t make a lot of sense when many of us have lived this way and know well the misery and lovelessness of such a path.
I still catch myself saying ‘Well done’ or ‘That’s very good’ acknowledging what people do and not truly feeling how they are being.
Parents speak of their kids all the time describing them as ‘a good kid’, Once I said back, ‘According to what?’ This stopped that parent in their tracks as for a second they realised they didn’t know ‘what’, but had just succumbed to a belief of what being good means. It basically just means they’re being quiet. There is no quality, truth or love in the absence of noise or disruption (there can be of course, but just not in essence).
This is so true Matthew. We as parents teach this good game but in truth so does the whole education system from age 4-17 and even beyond for those who choose university. Then this good game filters into the work environments where everyone plays it. And so the cycle continues to continue as those workers have kids. It’s definitely time for truth in all areas. Truth is very needed and I am always very appreciative when I hear and feel love and truth even if it exposes something I need to look at.
Wow I can really feel that so strongly Matthew. It is a very bad game to play and a huge OUCH to acknowledge that we unwittingly taught our children to play this game which was setting them up to fail.
well said Matthew and are we not asking our children to be ‘good’ merely so are not exposed for holding back in order to not upset the game we signed up for?
It is crazy how we give ourselves away and step off the track of who we are to try and find love, for that is all we are ever looking for, craving the love we so desperately want. If we feel love in our body then we never need go looking for anything, for everything is instead already there.
It is indeed crazy, Stephen, and crazier still that we numb our bodies with food and distracting activities so that we can’t feel the love that is there.
Also, to add – how ridiculous is it that we have a repertoire of ways to be when inside we have an awesomeness born to be expressed!
Beautifully said Jinya – there’s an equal and innate wisdom in us all, just waiting to be expressed.
Very beautifully said, Eva! It’s pure joy feeling you addressing what we have in common. That is a base we can all walk on. Adding our qualities – not making it about “good” or competing or excitement. Just expressing what the heart has to bring up!
It is indeed a very well rehearsed repertoire that we amass over our lives, Jinya. It is a simple matter of dedicating ourselves to expressing what feels awesome, and recognising when what we are expressing does not feel awesome.
Totally agree with you Jinya – crazily ridiculous!
Micro-managing the repertoire rather than letting go to the natural flow, is the madness of our resistance. Love is not ‘nice’, it is fiery and truthful and always there and deeply loving and exposing and clear about our potential and the real deal that is our true unifying path back home.
I agree, Jinya, not to mention exhausting ….
To always be switching between different behaviours, depending on who we’re with is a bit like navigating a mine field …. sooner or later there will be an explosion, no matter how hard we are trying to prevent just that.
So true! We try to find out how to be in the best way, ignoring and denying the amazingness we are. We are worth by being – as long as we try to be anyway we actually deny and veil who we are.
The word that stands out for me is ‘repertoire’. It is very true how we have different roles we play to avoid the elephants in the room. I recently took part in a group working activity where the tension was palpable, but we all carried on using niceness as the tool to avoid what we were ignoring. It is this dishonesty that we keep feeding that creates the mediocrity in life, where we are happy to accept the lesser for the fear of upsetting the apple cart. The truth that I am learning is that love is not nice. That doesn’t mean it’s nasty, but it is far removed from politeness that is there for the sake of being accepted.
I agree Jinya. Love is not “nice”, it is unwavering truth. It is the utmost support that we can ever be offered, but sometimes we don’t always like the truth of love.
So true Jinya and Lee, love is not nice. Nice feels completely untrue and love always feels to call me to be more.
How true Jinya. Society accepts ‘nice’ as a way of being, but continually challenges ‘truthful’ as a way of being. Remember the line, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t bother saying anything at all” ??? Big wow moment. Thing is, the truth only hurts when one is not prepared to make changes or do anything differently after becoming aware. Niceness keeps one un-aware which seems comfortable and a way to keep the peace – only ever on the surface, what’s bubbling away underneath may erupt at any time.
Very true Suzanne. It says a lot about the word ‘peace’. It exposes that it means a temporary relief from persisting circumstances. Says a lot about how we have lived as a society to accept such a thing as the best we can have. And yes, when we are presented with the truth we can often resist because we are too proud to swallow the bitter pill. Only bitter because we resist the truth in the first place. Niceness is a hardness that is called in to resist feeling our choices and those of others that reflect our own.
Great point JInya. When I look back on my many years of people pleasing and being good, what stands out is the manipulation of using good to keep myself ‘comfortable’. WE can tell ourselves we do it for others but it is just a comfortable way for us to get through life.
I agree expression is very healthy for me but expressing creates an awkward feeling in my body and sometimes with those I am around because of the holding back.
Very true johanna08smith – expressing and simultaneously holding back is like having the foot on the accelerator and the break at the same time and feels truly awkward in the body.
Thank you MAS. I can very much relate to in the past the good girl, nice girl act and also how it leads to feeling a whole lot of anger. Now for me it is about truth and expressing what I feel is true. Any held expression is much like a poison in the body.
It’s funny how I have reinterpreted the discomfort I have felt when I want to speak up as a warning of what will happen. Yet as I speak up more now, it is actually the withholding of what I feel to say, not the expressing of it that feels so horrible.
Great blog MAS, judging by the comments, it is clear that many (including myself, can relate). I feel we are all on a path back to reclaiming our power back and how this starts with our developing our true expression and not holding this back.
This is such an inspiring blog. Not being afraid of who we are and holding ourselves back, leads to an amazing life where you are a part of it, rather than in the back ground. Thank you MAS.
When we look at old school reports and see the ‘Good’, ‘Very Good’ or ‘Could try harder’ that teachers have written, it highlights how much we can spend our entire childhood either ‘trying to be good’ or rebelling. Why not encourage children to simply be who they are and let us all appreciate their natural light and then they can grow up and make a full contribution in the world.
Yes, school reports are a great example here Carmel. I had so many of those comments: “Sandra has been very helpful this year, however could try harder,” etc, etc… so I never felt ‘good enough’ at school. It is so demoralising for a child to hear this and can end in simply giving up as what ever you do doesn’t ever seem to be enough. Such simple words but ones that can be so damaging for a lifetime. As you say Carmel, if we encouraged children to simply be who they are how differently they would feel about themselves as they grew up, and what a gift that would be for the rest of us.
Yes, so we could start spending time and effort appreciating all the qualities each individual brings and appreciating that only they can bring this form and quality of expression, rather than holding them up to an overall stick measure of who they should be.
That’s it Carmel. Teaching children to be themselves – and understanding what this truly means – rather than playing the game of seeking recognition through being good or not being good. All the same really – taking us away from what we feel and know to be true.
I can relate to so much of this blog MAS and how I have made my life about ‘being good’ so as not to ruffle feathers. When I do stand strong and steady with what is true I feel lightness in my body that is not disturbed by any reaction from another.
Yes, Ariana I agree. Getting it right becomes a game of chasing our own tails in ever decreasing but faster circles that leaves us a heap on the floor.
“Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel.” I love the truth you deliver in here. If we feel from the body what is true we would truly respond. And that is not always “being good”. It is mainly pointing out what is not true. Even if it’s not spoken, but an awareness in expression. That leads to a way of living that is not always comfortable, that can be confronting. But that is definitely less harmful and destructive to oneself.
Good point christinahecke, to live and express my truth is confronting for those who do not chose so. And I am confronted by the true expression of others, I did not chose till now…. And then it is my choice again how I deal with that. Will I blame the other, or see it as the chance and offer it is to rise.
The moment we blame we expose ourselves. Pointing a finger at someone does in fact point it to the self. Like a boomerang. If I am not deeply accepting me with all my “faults and benefits” in a self responsible way – willing to work on deepening love – I will never have the love to see that in others and accept them how they are and where they are at. That’s why expressing or receiving an expression of truth is always an act of self responsibility. And even we would 100 percent say “it’s truth I speak” – it might turn out to be a lie looking back in a few years. That’s why I would speak up for a little more surrender, relax and not taking things too serious. Be honest and walk on, observe life and live love. That’s the real deal – not “being good”.
MAS thank you for opening your heart, honestly and clearly on the consequences of giving away our power. Many, including myself, can relate to your story and are inspired by your journey back to you. This resonated with me ‘Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart’. And when we are this way there is no struggle or tension and ends the merry-go-round existence.
“I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love”. I can so relate to this sentence from my past, but am now reclaiming back who I truly am as I make new choices in my life, which of course has knock-on effects on those around me. Thankyou MAS.
“I made a choice in my childhood to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love, or so I thought. In essence, I wanted to be seen by my parents and I wanted their affection, so I found a way where I knew I could make this happen.”. This so beautiful and honest sentence made me wonder what it is that I’ve chosen to get affection. As soon as I asked the question it came to me that I’ve chosen words as my form of affection. I’ve settled for words. In everything, privately and in my work. I’ve made it about words and honesty in words. I’ve chosen to not Truly hear and see myself and in order to deal with that constant hurt, emptiness, I have ‘it’ to be constantly filled up with attention from the outside world. I am learning now to just ‘be’ with me and feel my own love and stilness. Ready to re-visit the trauma and believes around ‘not being love’. Which is in fact crazy, isn’t it. That I’ve been and still am fighting to deny the fact that – in truth – can’t be changed. I am a deeply tender, loving, funny, playful, cherishing, appreciative, divine, deeply caring men. That indeed LOVES communication and words, but with the fullness of being me! Thank you MAS for being able to comment on your blog. Such a blessing and healing experience.
How inspiring others can be for us! ‘This woman had re-claimed her power, and now I feel it is time for me to do it too.’ Yes!
Yes, Sandra the power of being a living example of what is possible is undeniable.
I love how you said you gave up you to put on the show and then when the show didn’t work how devastating this was… This is something so many of us can relate to — putting on a mask and a role and in doing so pending up enormous anger and frustration because we’re not being ourselves.
MAS a great revealing blog that I can relate very well to. It took me a long time to realise that being ‘good’ is in many ways more harmful than being ‘bad’. At least when people are being ‘bad’ everyone knows that it’s not a true way of being but being ‘good’ fools most people. Being ‘good’ is not being true, authentic or real. It delivers nothing of true value and yet most are hoodwinked into thinking that it’s a desirable way to be. I played the role of good daughter and then good person and only now can feel the in-authenticity of it.
I completely agree with you Susan, there is so much that MAS brings in this blog. I can now truly feel that being ‘good’ is only for getting recognition and reward but does not honour any aspect of my inner knowing and with that of my whole beings. By doing so I am undermining my worth of self and make myself a victim of life. Compared to live with and from my inner knowing and in the beauty of that I will continuously honour and appreciate who I am and what I bring to the world. By doing so I am taking the power back to me that I have given away for too long.
The truth of us is too beautiful and powerful to be masked by control, good and nice. What a world we would inhabit if we allowed ourselves the true energetic freedom to express completely all that we are – breaking the chains of irresponsibility we all seem to wear to get through. This article is so inspiring I love it – thank you deeply for sharing and providing another opportunity to take the path back.
‘But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ – I got to this point MAS and felt the absolute trauma of giving ourselves up for scraps.
‘Trauma’ – what a great word to encapsulate this feeling, when you’ve given your all for someone or something else to get nothing or very little back in return. Living in this way for the ‘scraps’ others throw at you is so disempowering and takes away the joy and simplicity of being ourselves and living a whole full life.
MAS also makes a good point about the misery we inflict on ourselves when we live dishonest lives. Sometimes the truth is buried so deeply it can take some time to unravel. A Very inspiring blog.
Hi Lee, I got to this point, “Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this” This exposes all so clearly, the investment, the selling out of oneself and the expectations of how others should respond. I can so relate as there were many times in my life that I would be shocked that people did not get just how much I had sacrificed myself to please them and this would both hurt and outraged me that they could not see this. Looking back I can see the just how off track I was.
I know this one too Lee, it is a game that we can never win as we have set ourselves up to fail with ideals, beliefs and standards but even more so with the desired outcome of harmony which is impossible to attain without being in harmony with ourselves.
Absolutely Carolien a game that no one wins. Yet we play and play hoping to achieve the whole kit and caboodle with out actually living from the whole of us in the first place.
Absolutely Lee – to put ourselves aside and all that we hold to be True to fit into another’s choices and picture is traumatic if not devastating. How healing it then is for us to honour our Truth and to live who we are in the world, in full, no matter what.
Lee, I read your comment and I could really feel the depth of despair that we live in when we are not being truly ourselves. Awful. Claiming back who we truly are sheds layers of lies, ideals and beliefs, paving the way for a true way of living that can sometimes leave me shaking my head at how far I strayed from love.
Oh yes, I felt this too Lee and the irony of how crazy it was to have given ourselves up for scraps!
“To me, giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true”. I can certainly relate to this MAS and I have found that I have had to look at all the reasons as to why I have chosen to over ride my feelings and a big part of it has been about wanting acceptance and approval from others to validate me. As I work on my own self-acceptance, there is less need for looking for approval from others.
Really powerful words MAS that speak with such clarity and truth. I can feel how they really call us to stand for truth and not to choose to play less. I feel it inspires us all to really claim our expression and to do so with the truth and love we hold innately within. Definitely time to claim our power back.
Doug, power is an interesting discussion, one we should explore more. There is giving our power away, and there is also bastardising our power with something else. I have known many many men who feel their power comes from controlling another, dominating, winning, overriding, belittling, battling … (this is, of course, the choice of woman too) but since coming to Universal Medicine I have come to know many beautiful men who have returned to their natural and gentle selves … their true power comes from their true nature, and boy is there power in that. The power of love, and the power of truth and to express truth lovingly, is a game changer that is for sure. Nowadays I can see this resides in every man despite his chosen behaviour, and it is this that has supported me to put down my wall and let people in. This is the proof I needed that showed me we all have a soul, and we all come from love.
I love your introduction of the word ‘mediocrity’ here – it is indeed mediocre when we settle for less than who we are and it is the beginning of our general and underlying dis-ease.
I agree, Gabriele, and as you say settling for less opens the door for illness, as our body then is robbed of its nurturing energy.
Gabriele, I missed this and yes it is mediocre to settle for less than who we are.’ Recently, I wrote to a public service provider about their response to a request for help from someone I know that lacked openness, care, compassion, a willingness to assist, and assumptions were made. When I sat down to write, the words flowed easily, I expressed simply the quality of care I felt was missing. It would have been a disservice to everyone to leave unsaid this example of poor service and gave the provider an opportunity to ensure clients are treated with more care in the future.
I love that you totally accept that it was your choices that made the difference between you and this woman standing In truth, it is a very necessary step to take responsibility for what we have chosen even if that hurts!
Absolutely Vanessa, us choosing to see our role in the choices we make is huge. It is something I am also becoming more aware of and shows there are no victims in life, we each have the power to step up in our lives, the choice is ours!
I agree Vanessa – avoiding the hurt of our past choices doesn’t help change things whereas taking responsibility for what we chose can actually be very empowering because then we can be much more aware of the choices we are currently making.
True for where we are at and what we are living is a direct result of every choice we have made.
I totally agree Vanessa. It is only when we can come to accept that it is us who have made our own lives what they are as a consequence of our choices that we can begin to change. And yes it does hurt, but it is as you say a necessary step to take, and only then can we stop blaming others for those hurts that we have held onto for so long.
Playing the good and right game stunted my growth and also my relationships with others. If I rarely let something sneak out that was not ‘good’, it was usually in a reactive and loud way. It was like a pressure valve being released after holding in so many feelings for so long… except I can clearly see now all at my own doing from choosing to not show or express me. MAS the changes you have made to know be yourself and express from there, would inspire those around you, just like the woman you heard. Nothing is more gorgeous and inspiring than a person who with love backs them selves, and is open and honest. Love your blog MAS, thank you.
“I made a choice in my childhood to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love” – this is an amazing insight. Seeing our life as a consequence of our choices and lovingly addressing our responsibility in that is a massive leap away from a game of blame and guilt that many of us fall for and spend life times in.
“I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.” This line was rock solid for me MAS. There is nowhere to go when we are good it blocks us in and drains us. But when we are being ourselves we are free to express what is there, without boundaries. The power is then held in our love.
‘Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this’! wow this struck a cord in me that I haven’t felt before. This was a pain I have felt from my past choices, holding others accountable for my own lack of love.
I can relate to this line – “this was not an overnight fix to a life of hiding, but it was about not letting things be buried because they were too hard to deal with”. Burying things because they are too hard to deal with never works. It affects us on so many levels and it keeps us playing small when we are not that at all. In my own life I have found that whilst it may be confronting and challenging at the time to face up to things in my life that are not true it is well worth it in the end.
Very true Elizabeth, the journey back is longer and so is the misery.
“Burying things because they are too hard to deal with never works. It affects us on so many levels and it keeps us playing small when we are not that at all.”
Agree, Elizabeth, we bury things to escape and deny they are there. We fool ourselves and are not honest to ourselves. Most important we deny ourselves the growth we get from dealing what is there in front of us and the return back to being in our grandness.
Thank you Monika R – You remind me to feel the truth and take the steps needed to return to the loveliness I am.
Well said Elizabeth. The burying and not dealing with things when they come up for us creates further issues to deal with on top of the now buried issue – i have found this loads the body with a myriad of possible reactions, discontent, and sadness – knowing that there has been a giving up on ourselves, others and life by not facing something that we are perfectly equipped to face, to address and to grow from.
Me too Elizabeth and I shudder to think of how much digging up I have to do!
‘Being Good’ was also a trademark in our family where there were other big issues going on, no rocking an already leaky boat. There is always a trade off and what happens is that the world gets less of us. So much love is being held within under layers of hurt and sadness around not being who we truly are. But, in saying that there is always one out there that is showing how to ‘Be’ and openly calling others to open and to be present. Serge Benhayon is one of these and so was the beautiful woman who you observed, both reflecting to others the truth that could be shared if we allowed ourselves. Thanks MAS.
Being good and trying to please really takes me out of my body. When I am solid and with me, then I can back myself when a reaction comes my way, rather than be apologetic for being me.
Annie, this is so true. It is the way that I have been living that supports me to be true to myself or not.
Being ‘good’ is a way of ‘getting through’ life but not fully living life…almost in a way saying I don’t like what I’m seeing and feeling in this world so I’ll take on this persona to cope till I’m out of here, but everyone misses out! You miss out on being you, and the world misses out on the uniqueness you bring. As you say MAS, when we know ourselves and honour ourselves deeply, its no longer about coping with the world but being us in the world, and thats when the magic of life comes alive and it is a joy to be here.
If we truly appreciated the power we each hold then maybe we wouldn’t be so quick to give it away!
Very true Fiona, and I find the appreciation of and acceptance of the power within me a work in progress. It sometimes feels easier to give my power away as an old habit that feels safe and does not cause ripples. I am learning to recognise and then make way for my power as for a long time I never really accepted I had any.
Excellent point Fiona, appreciation and confirming myself helps me honor the power I hold, this is an on-going work in progress for me, but gosh I’m completely amazing!
Thank you MAS. This is a real life story I can imagine most people can relate to on one level or another. I swing between being good and being myself. I often find there is a tug of war inside constantly wanting to speak the truth but at the same time weighing up what might cause me more grief via others’ reactions. I’m getting better and delivering the same message without the brutality – which I can sometimes be known for, but it is also true that I give my power away at times for the sake of not wanting to feel the backlash and or in case I am no longer liked.
I can so relate to what you share here about ‘being good’, which in effect is saying to the world ‘I’ll be everything you want me to be’ and we walk away from who we are, which not only creates sadness, but anger, resentment, blame and bitterness – all emotions that go on to create so much tension and complication in life…where we could simply be ourselves and express from that place, and as you share MAS, it allows others to do the same…it opens up the conversations for everyone.
MAS what a transformation you have gone through to come back to your honesty and truth. What you said was spot on and is lived amongst families as a ‘normal’ way to be ‘Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel…” Being good would have to be one of the worst poisons dumped into the body, especially as we override what we know to be true within us. There are so many gems in this blog, “it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.” Spot on!
“This was the start of a process of re-claiming my power, a power that comes from knowing myself and honouring myself deeply. The more love for myself I allowed, the less I was driven for an outcome or the need to please and be recognised.” These are power-full words MAS because the more we know ourselves the less we are affected by others. The truth of what we know and understand of ourselves gives us a solid foundation to stand on out in the world no matter what our day presents to us.
Thank you MAS. There is so much about this blog that I relate to. I had to laugh at this line ~ ‘But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ This injustice in it all…I know this very well:)) You have so beautifully exposed the ridiculousness of giving power to ‘good’ instead of ‘truth’.
Even the most polished performance of ‘good’, of playing it safe and flying under the radar will never provide a fulfilling life – for at every moment we know we are living in denial of all that we are and adding a great false to the world. It is worth us considering the reach of ‘good’ and what we are reflecting to humanity by the choice to Live it other than True.
I see the swing from really good to really bad so often as young people try to get a sense of who they are, always searching for love and connection. Your blog is full of insights that just build and build but it came down to the fact that when you don’t get to know yourself as love, you allow things to go on around you, to you, to others that are not ok. If you develop a voice well practiced in speaking from the foundation of love that you are, speaking up is simply normal expression and everybody gets an opportunity to question ‘normal’.
Being ‘good’ as your blog highlights is not the answer and leads to a lot of pain, misery and discontent and a mask we adorn. Being True and Living True makes all the difference
I agree, Ariana, getting it right gets us nowhere we want to go. It doesn’t have an ounce of truth in it, so no love either. Getting or doing it right is one big distracting game with no winners and only losers.
I have read several of your blogs MAS, and each one is beautiful, and it is great to see how you are coming to discover all of who you are, and I am very glad that you have because its a blessing for everyone of us.
It is interesting to feel how much the game of ‘being good’ impedes our ability to express ourselves. Personally I can feel that niceness and politeness have actually resulted in a lot of awkwardness both for myself and other people. We can all feel the truth so it makes no sense to try and hide it.
Wow MAS – I can really feel how being good’ holds us back and keeps us from being who we are in exchange for thinking we are ticking boxes.
The truth is – this is even more harming than someone who is angry or sad – because at least they are expressing how they are feeling rather than hiding this under a tick box. It is as if ‘good’ does more harm than evil – and how we have fostered a culture that focuses on reward for getting it right rather than being honest and living who we are.
Where did we make it OK to hide behind people liking us? What a huge behaviour to expose.
‘Good’ keeps us in the confinement of what is ‘right’, boxed in tightly with no space to breathe and be. ‘Good’ make us walk a tight line that leaves us rigid rather than expressive. ‘Good’ is not who we are.
‘Good’ is a master of suffocating who we truly are and then pretends it had nothing to do with it…
Yes Marcia. And being ‘good’ also helps us hide and not stand out. It thus keeps others shut out and maintains separation – when we are indeed expressive beings who wish to live in brotherhood. Feeling the unnaturalness of this in our bodies as I write this and read your comment allows me to deepen my understanding of the root causes of illness and dis-ease.
Agree Marcia. ‘Good’ feels yuck really — nothing truly good about it ☺️
You are so right Marcia, ‘Good’ is such an oxymoron all by itself. In truth its use builds walls whenever it is used.
Awesome Marcia, being good, polite and well mannered is saying to the world, back off leave me alone, it is a form of protection one adopts to keep others out, and from seeing the magnificence of who we really are.
We can choose between Good or God, where Good is the illusion and God is truth!
What an amazing blog MAS, reading it I had many ah ha moments. How describe how the woman standing up and speaking was only different from you in her choices and that she’d chosen to lovingly back herself the whole way and now it’s time for you too is huge – I suddenly see the question for us all to ask ‘will we lovingly back ourselves all the way?’ one for me to take into my day and live. Thank you.
A great reminder, Monica – “only different from you in her choices”. I love it.
‘Will we lovingly back ourselves all the way? That is a great question Monicag2, because it also reveals how we are with ourselves, do we accept and appreciate everything that we bring, do we bash our self when things go ‘wrong’ or do we give our self the opportunity to learn from it and do we support our self in full all the way.
There is no power in being ‘good’, only in truth as a way of serving self and our own needs . It does not offer any inspiration or truth to another and this is actually a pain and tension I have felt a lot in the past when I have fallen for the ‘good’ way to be instead of the way I knew was true in my body
Your blog made me stop and acknowledge the many times in the past when I have given my power away by be obliging with helping someone out, and always accommodating of other people eventhough I felt imposed upon. I can remember the frustration I often experienced at these times, but chose to bury it rather than express how I was truly feeling. I am slowly learning to be true to me in such situations, and it feels much more loving and honouring of me to be doing that.
For most of my life I’ve been under the illusion that I did not give my power away. When people were talking about it, I had the best advices. I was always there to support people. But I wasn’t really honest. Over a period of time I have become more honest and see how that giving your power away is actually something to be assesed in each and every moment. There are moments that I am really with me, but most of the times – when I’m honest – I am not with me. In which I am coming from the fact that being with me is being with my own body and an open heart. It is truly awful to feel myself being disconnected. And how I than actually really miss myself. Being with me and not giving my power away is actually constantly confirming the lovely warmth and tender man that I am. Dealing with all the people that now want to advice and support me with all quick solutions is something I now have to deal with. What goes around, comes around. What I now find much more supportive is someone who’s just with me, only expressing or asking something when it’s felt, needed. In which there’s much more stillness and acceptance. What a difference this makes.
What a beautiful, powerful and inspiring blog MAS! You addressed something many aren’t aware of. So was I when I read it. Strength is not being able to manage everything or calming stressful situations. It is claiming the love I am that brings the power and strength!
It is great to read about your transformation and your new choices. Thank you for being so honest.
Gorgeous blog, gorgeous woman, I am glad you claimed yourself back again. Not being a different woman, but a more full woman, within her own power and delicateness. I am inspired. So am I inspired by Natalie Benhayon, who is family to me, who is always offering true support to women of claiming themselves, knowing their worth and living from their entirety – her nurturing self. I love to hear woman speak from their amazingness and all the developments they have made. Like you share with us MAS, your development from being a ‘good’ woman to a woman of her own, not need to do good any longer, as she is who she is. I hope all woman will eventualy come back to that. Knowing that they are divine. Just like you are showing.
I carried a lot of anger when I was a child and I can see now that even from a young age, I gave my power away. Like you share, it gives attention and people like you as you don’t rock any boats. I also carried the belief that I was ‘too much’. I can see how many behaviours, like nail biting, come from this.
MAS, yet again I am blown away by your article. This was perfect timing, as I too have felt this tension in letting go of all the fake masks I have played. The “good girl” has definitely been one of them…but I, as well as the whole world misses out on the real me! And only anger has built up on the inside. It’s time to let this go, and begin to express in my power – and not be afraid anymore of tension or people’s reactions! It feels like a responsibility to the All. It is beautiful to feel confirmed in: “Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart…. The choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back [yourself] herself all the way”.
Hi MAS reading this was like someone had written my story for me. I was the ‘good’ girl that rebelled as a teenager and then went back to giving my power away to, well, almost anyone. This didn’t work for me either. Frustration was my middle name, and headaches were a constant. It sure is tough keeping yourself down for so long. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for showing me another way.
While I was reading this I was considering the workplace scenario and relationships in general and how often games get played as people hold back expressing what they actually felt. I remember watching a movie once where the main character couldn’t lie and has to answer honestly how he felt- its quite exposing of the games but was refreshing to see this.
MAS, I’ve enjoyed this blog so thoroughly this is the 5th comment in a short space of time – a confirmation to your blog. “I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.” And so the constant silent discourse of comfort tells us to stay with the flock, but without a leader or group of inspirers, a flock will quickly stagnate. Let us not stagnate further and steady our decision making processes to further love, hold and inspire others. I feel inspired to move my being divinely, so that I may respond more to life and the reactions along the way as my reflection ever deepens.
This story really resonates with me and I find it a great support to read of someone else making changes from a way of being which at times can feel like the only way of being.
It’s no wonder that we as a species choose to align with the masses and shut-down on what we absolutely know, in order to get swept along with everyone else. For it is the most desolate, cringingly lonely and hopeless feeling that a child must experience once they cotton-onto the fact what they see and know is not shared by anyone around them; especially the adults who seemingly run the system they know they’re about to grow into. The section: “How could I express how I truly felt when I had no positional power in the organization? How could I point out that it felt awful to be treated as less and for my contributions to be dismissed?” is simply tiring to say the least if you allow or absorb the starkness of wanting to say, or effect change and to be met with mostly (not always) deaf ears. But, to then live as best we can, as claimed and expressively as is possible, without expectation or need for anyone to change, but always the ability to reflect truth, comes a truly purposeful and diligent life that allows us to turn back-on our intuition and discernment. Slowly the tide turns, as the one living closer to this way of truth within, expressing as much temporiliy as they can, starts to leave joy and consistency in their wake. A wonderful blog thank you MAS.
This is a very sound blog. It describes possibly the most bridging set of revelations to people building their awareness of self – for I can’t imagine there is really anyone in the world who has never given their power away for the sake of not wanting to take responsibility for standing-up for who they are and what they have to say at one stage or another.
You mentioned about being different when you began to make a different choices and people became uncomfortable. I feel that is the biggest hurdle to overcome. How people relate to you changes and the possibility is that they may not like it. So do I not change because of a potential loss of a relationship that is revealed to not based on absolute truth and love, for that reason alone how could I not.
We have all developed those internal radars as to how to navigate through life avoiding conflict or rejection or acting like the best form of defence is attack. And look at the life, the humanity, we are left with. There is no understating the importance of choosing to “stand strong in the truth” of what is being felt and allowing expression to flow from there. It is beyond life changing, it is world changing.
It’s interesting to ponder on all that has been created in the world based on doing “good”. There are even those who would be deemed as being ‘rebellious’ (even as adults) who are still seen as doing “good”. It’s important to question this as to it’s true value to our communities, what does it actually offer and who does it serve through being good?
MAS this is a very beautiful blog. Being “good” is very insidious and sets us up for not allowing ourselves to be true to ourselves and bring that truth to others. I can relate to what you have shared very much. In fact I recently I recalled myself as a 4 year old on her first day at school sitting up straight, holding back the tears with a big smile to show Mum I was ok, when I clearly wasn’t. All to be a “good girl”. I can see how this has set me up perfectly in holding back the truth in my expression, hurting myself and my mum by simply not letting her see the truth of what was happening for me. And that was me at 4!! It takes a real dedication and commitment to undo all of the similar happenings through one’s life and it’s totally amazing and inspiring to read what you have shared, inspiring me to take my own commitment and dedication further. Thank you MAS.
I also tried to be the good girl, MAS, but it always failed. I see now that because I was trying so hard it was totally false to how I was, who I am, and how I felt, and so often it did not carry a conviction, and that was felt but not understood, and then a tirade of being told off ensued. So what do we do? We try even harder to get the right sort of attention, the love, in all sorts of deceitful ways. I became so “good” and polite and eager to please that I was obsequious. This energy was actually so uncomfortable, but I didn’t recognise that at the time. You have shown how we can unearth it and so feel the power we can claim that is within us, thank you.
Considering the expectation to be a ‘good kid’ can start even before we can talk or walk, its no wonder we soon learn the way to mummy and daddy’s hearts is in becoming just that. All you have powerfully expressed MAS is the perfect example of expressing from Truth free of any pleasing or do-good-ing. Thank you for the inspiration.
Dear MAS, what an absolute inspiration you and your blog is to me. This is one blog l feel to read every day for the rest of my life. lt is that pertinent to me. In one way l wish l knew who you really were to contact you in person and thank you and discuss further with you on this blog. Yet in another way because you are just 3 letters it makes what you say and what you live even more truthful and powerful for me. Even in writing this blog you have renounced receiving recognition. lt’s not important to you. This makes your words even more impacting for me. They could be mine one day too, mine right now from this moment forward, depending on my next choice and the next after that. l could claim them as my own and live them as my own. This blog truly reflects how you have claimed your power back and are now living it. Truly incredible!
Thank you MAS.
‘I was finely attuned to where everyone was at…’ This is true for us all as children and we become so used to reading situations around us and develop many different ways of coping with what we feel but also over time look to turn down, numb or distract ourselves away from this awareness because of the pain we feel and hurts accumulated from this in our childhoods.
“… I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict.”
I can so relate to this MAS, often I hold back addressing things because I want to avoid the conflict that speaking up can cause, aiming for peace even though I am longing for harmony.
Very good point Judith, by aiming for peace we want a quick fix and are not prepared to go the whole way into bringing true harmony to a relationship, to settle for peace there has to be a dishonesty, as we are settling for less. Where as to create harmony with another there is no contraction of the incredible beings we all are, we bring the full expression of this to the relationship, without fear of the other rejecting us.
So true Thomas, it is incredible how we sell ourselves short of what we could truly make our lives about.
Wow MAS, this a stunning blog and I can relate to all of it having made life ‘safe’ through being nice and good. Thank God, Serge Benhayon’s presentations have shed the true light on this previously chosen way as being highly manipulative and controlling to avoid taking true responsibility for oneself. From my own experience, re-claiming my power continues to build the true inner confidence and deep, strong foundation within – this is a far greater and joyful way to live.
“I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.”
Thank you MAS for being willing to share so honestly what I myself and I am sure many others have done for so long. I too learnt at a very young age to give my power away in exchange for what I thought would do in place of the love that I did not hold for myself. My father was visiting recently and we talked about how my parents never had to worry about me as I always did the right thing – ouch! Now I am much more honest about who I am and am more willing to speak the truth rather than say what others want to hear.
Brilliant sharing MAS and so relatable too. I could relate to so much of all you say and the horribleness of giving ones power away and how this feels in the body. Learning to express all we feel from love and speak ones truth fully is definitely a learning and working progress but very worthwhile empowering and brings a joyful consistency and expansion to ones life, strength and very foundation of the love we all are. Thank you, inspirational.
Yesterday I noticed I held back in speaking my truth over something so small, an old pattern not to offend the other person or put the other person out. But this made me feel so awful in my body, I could feel the unease inside of me. It just showed me that when the moment comes to speak, I should not hold back and not worry about what the other might feel. As long as I am sharing with love, at least I am being true to me.
A beautiful article Mas and a great reminder of the power with in us all.
“This was not an overnight fix to a life of hiding, but it was about not letting things be buried because they were too hard to deal with.” I still procrastinate because whatever it is seems too much to handle in the moment – when a lot of the time, and possibly all of the time, it is not – and I also found Sharon Gavioli’s comment very telling, as I too have ” spent years in reaction to my own choices.” Appreciation (especially appreciation for myself) is supporting me on both counts. I am also gradually replacing a momentum of distraction, checked-outness and busyness with one of more connectedness and steadiness, this in itself is coming from my not giving my power away so much as I have in the past.
Verry inspiring blog MAS and thank you for writing it. I can relate to the fact that when I am playing the good and nice guy, I am giving my power away to how I should be and and behave in order to fit in for receiving recognition and reward. Opposed to giving my power away, where I am ignoring and not appreciating the inner knowing of me, it feels so liberating to say and express what I know and see what is required to be said and expressed. It allows me to open my heart and to let people in, as I feel equal with everybody and am void of any judgement as it is about love and nothing else than love that is being at play.
Thank you for making this distinction Nico. You remind me that we have different reasons for giving our power away at given moments, however, the resulting feeling of sadness and emptiness is always the same. Your comment shows me that we give our power away selectively and we are always in control of the decision to do this.
This is a big blog… huge. Its a game I’ve played all my life (I use the word ‘nice’ to sum it up for me), and in the long term this definitely does not work. The problem is I would always end up settling for less, not claiming what was true, and not saying no so as a natural consequence I build a life around me that is not quite right, not true to what I feel. And there is the rub, as no matter how nice or good I try to be, there is a constant underlying friction of all the things I have accepted, that are not true for me. Its a great blog MAS, and like you, I’m working on dropping the ‘nice’ and replacing it with what is true.
The nice act was something I related to also simonwilliams8, and with that grew an overflowing emotion of resentment, which I misplaced and blamed on others. Knowing that doing the nice thing is a choice stops the blame on to others. I just this week had a moment where I had could have gone into blame and resentment after putting in all this effort to cook when I hadn’t gauged if the people I was cooking for even wanted it… it was so clear (looking into crystal clear water) that I knew what I had chosen straight away. I’m also working on “…dropping the ‘nice’ and replacing it with what is true.”
Totally gorgeous MAS. ‘Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within’ – I love this, and your whole blog totally blows out of the water the ideal that being ‘nice’ will solve problems, or that being ‘nice’ is more important than speaking truth and saying what needs to be said. It’s very interesting what you wrote about how you didn’t feel you could speak up in full at the organisation due to your lack of ‘positional power’, and I can say I totally relate to what you share, and I’m sure a lot of people do too! In my opinion, we have carved such a hierarchical ‘status’ scheme in society in order to keep many people quiet, and I can definitely see how making someone feel less than others because of their job, class or position could very well lead them to give their power away.
And its such an amazing reflection to see and feel people like MAS and yourself Susie who don’t let the ‘hierarchical ‘status’ scheme in society’ keep you quiet from speaking up in full. There is enough out there confirming for us to keep quiet, every person who speaks up for truth tips the tide the other way.
So well said Susie.
very true Susie, is it not a very clever set up and arrangement we have created with each other to maintain a position where we do not need to step up and speak truth but instead have ample excuses to stay in our comfort zone.
Well said Carolien. It depends on how you look at it, because in a way it is an incredibly clever set up to stop humanity from expressing and keep everyone stuck in a muddy comfort bog!
Being ‘good’ or ‘nice’ is one of the most insidiously self-harming things we can do. This is because we are led to believe it is beneficial for us – people like it, we get recognition and reward – but, as you so eloquently share MAS, it is damning us to a life of servitude to all our self-deprecating ideals and beliefs about ourselves.
Great comment Jonathan. It is certainly very damaging to ourselves and others when we give our power away because there is no love or truth in that. It hurts deeply to separate from who we truly are.
Great blog MAS and very inspiring, I use to do it a lot and it was very painful; as you said, I was sad, frustrated and angry.
I can relate to this also. The resentment runs deep too.
I felt the same Alexandre, I couldn’t work out why I was feeling this way even though my life seemed great. Nothing traumatic or disharmonious but the feelings of exhaustion, sadness, frustration and anger was present. This blog exposes how I too in a very similar way gave my power away in fear of attracting too much attention. Now, I am letting that go and learning to fully claim my power back.
No good will ever come of being good.
It is a thin veneer and a false facade. We can all feel that there is far more going on beneath the surface of ‘good’ that remains hidden, denied and covered with which every projection it suits us to bring to the world. How can we truly relate to another when we employ such self- deception and bring this to others?
Simple, powerful and true kevmchardy
‘Good one’ Kevin! If good isn’t good, once the word gets around that its no good being good, a whole new way of being is given space to be who we truly are!
Love it Kevin, your small line gave me the feeling of how ill being ‘good’ is.
Well said Kevinmchardy!
How is it no-one really likes a ‘goody two shoes’ or really the attitude that’s being expressed? Is it because people can feel the do good attitude puts other’s down and goes against us all being equally divine?
You simply say it as it is Kevmchardy! ‘No good will ever come of being good.’ We have been led a merry dance, believing that good will make us ‘better’ people, when actually all we have to be is ourselves.
Spot on Kevinmchardy and so very true.
Powerful Kevinmchardy – a simple statement worth Gold.
I can really relate to being good/rebellious and have yo-yoed between the two for most of my life and therefore had to deal with the constant frustration of giving my power away. As things have started to change in recent years one of the places this has been reflected is in my workplace and when I was first reading this section of the blog I felt a deep pain in my right hip and an awareness about the impact of all the ideals and beliefs I had burdened myself with about how to behave to keep the peace. As I have increasingly found my true voice managers and colleagues have sought me out to discuss issues and it feels great to have let go of my personal agenda and just feel what is there to express.
That’s very awesome indeed Helen. Accepting that we all have something to offer and that it might not always be packaged in the ‘good’ wrapping, but that the truth is there for everyone to feel, and when it’s expressed, it’s almost impossble for people to not feel it, despite their reaction to it.
How we play roles in our lives is a cause of disharmony. The roles we put on ourselves and others are like prisons and I know from experience, breaking free from these can cause huge reactions. It is however necessary if this is where we have found ourselves that we work through this to feel the quality of our true selves.
Giving our power away – as you say, ‘I gave up being me for this!’ And that hurts, deeply. The workplace is a massive playground for this, with hierarchies, politics and power plays abounding. So your description of re-claiming your power, a power that comes from knowing yourself and honouring yourself deeply is a real gift of inspiration. Love is the new benchmark indeed.
Yes definitely Cathy. It can be a bit of a shocker to realise just how many times we have given up ourselves, disregarded what we felt and buried things in order to diminish our power. Workplaces are indeed somewhere this happens a lot, and from my experience so too do schools have similar hierarchies and politics!
Yes indeed, it hurts us deeply to give our power away. I can feel my own hurt as I read your words Cathy. Little by little we can re claim ourselves as we learn to honour our feelings and begin to express what we feel.
Thank you MAS, there is so much in this blog of which I can relate to. What struck me was the part you mentioned how the anger built up and this makes sense to me, especially if we are not being true to ourselves and deep down we can feel the truth of what needs to be said and done in any given moment – it’s no wonder people get angry as they are hurt by others and their own holding back.
Very beautiful sharing MAS thank you. As I read your first line I was struck by the truth that there is no second best thing to Love. It’s Love or bust – and to be good is not Love, so it’s bust.
This is an inspiring blog, I can feel how being good is my way trough things, and have started to feel that it needs to change, as it actually does not work. With being love I can truly make a change and feel that I am enough.
I know this game very well: giving your power away. I have come to realize that it is a great excuse to live life small and therefor to avoid true responsibility. I can see very clearly now when I give my power away and it feels terrible. But just like you MAS, it does not happen overnight. Step by step, honouring what I feel and expressing what needs to be expressed.
So true Mariette, step by step, honouring what we feel and never holding back the truth. It’s never about perfection but actually expressing our truth in full. An awesome blog that shows the true choice and responsibility we all hold.
There is so much around us that will happily encourage us to stay small. MAS your story is a beautiful model of love for others to be inspired by.
Growing up it was instilled in me about the virtues of being truthful and the conflicts when you were told off for speaking the truth. The things that come out of children’s mouths! Parents will say something at home like, dad will say grandmas mashed potato’s are lumpy but he has two helpings and you say ‘you said you did not like them so why do you eat them’. Have there ever been parents that have not been embarrassed by their children! This must be one of those mandatory moments of parenthood that no one tells you about. This was my earliest memory of giving my power away. I love your line ‘I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity’ it is that simple.
I love how children simply say whats true, and being the mother of a young child i can see how it is so natural for them, it makes me realise how as adults we are so manipulating and we make things so complicated, it would be so much more simple and clear if as adults we said what we felt and didn’t try to be nice and polite and good as this is what i find causes the tension, confusion and resentment.
Being the ‘good’ girl and calibrating to all people and wanting to be accepted and liked, was also a part of my journey. This may give us a certain relief and satisfaction but it lets us void of us. And life can’t be happy like this. Firstly because all the people we please do not get true affection and secondly we lie to ourselves as we do not live the true us.
I was never ‘the good girl’ I was always ‘the bad girl’ same, same just opposite ends of the spectrum. I was often naughty so as to avoid the disharmony and chaos I was feeling in the home and the desolation and emptiness I was feeling within. Avoiding my feelings continued all through my life and left me disconnected from my body, disempowered and disillusioned until I came to Universal Medicine where I learnt to connect to my body and how I feel, love and honor myself and express what I feel no matter what. This is still a work in progress but wow, from then to now, is truly an amazing transformation. Thank you MAS for your inspiring blog
I used to think that the opposite of good was bad and I didn’t want to be bad so got trapped in being good. Serge Benhayon presented that striving to be good in order to please is not being true and this made so much sense as being true has no objective, no goal, it is just being who I truly am.
MAS I very much appreciate your honest and detailed writing about being a good girl. I know so well what it is to be a good girl and giving my power away to be liked and to stay in control always following the thoughts in my mind instead of honouring what I felt. You’ve summed it up beautifully and it is something I will read over and over again.
‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love. Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.’
“Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!” Straight to my heart went those words MAS as I too shared similar experiences of the ‘good’ girl, until I rebelled! To be so inspired by another to make such positive and lasting life changes is a blessing for all – thank you for sharing and inspiring.
I love the honesty in which you write MAS. It is so interesting how we either become the “good girl” or the “rebellious girl” in response to childhood hurt. The only way out of that pattern is to do what you have done and that is reclaim yourself. Then the healing occurs.
“Giving my power away meant overriding that part of me that instinctively knew who I was and what was true” – this stood out for me. When we override our feelings, we are stepping away from who we truly are, and we start using an image, an identification – whether that is being good/rebellious/successful/smart/failure etc. as a hiding place.
“I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!” – this really made me smile. I too tried very hard, even though I wasn’t aware of what I was doing and why at the time – it really is a hard work not being us no matter how much we have got used to doing it, the resultant tension (physical and emotional) in our body is such a giveaway.
Being yourself is effortless so why do we feed so much time and energy into being “good”?
Your blog is so cool…. it definitely explains clearly, a lot about giving away our power and about why being good doesn’t work….very inspiring. Reflecting back, their were times I took on the role, of being the good mum or the good friend etc…..instead of expressing how I truly felt, with love.
You have beautifully talked about a woman living true Brendan and one day this will be the reflection our young girls get to see and feel rather than the good, nice and polite or rebellious woman.
I can relate to so much of this blog and being good, nice and polite. I have begun to speak what i feel is true over good and honour myself more and I must say aspects of my life are turning upside down. I am, however committed to living a true life rather than a good and comfortable one.
Absolutely Sally. I too choose a true life over a good one or comfortable one. Speaking up and sharing can turn things upside down for a bit but even in that it still is very much right way up.
I can relate to all that you have shared MAS, having chosen for myself the mask of the ‘good girl’. I have realised that playing this role has been a way of staying small, to not stand out, to keep peace and to not shine. I too am in the process of reclaiming my power back and boy oh boy doesn’t it feel so much more honouring, loving and true to drop the facade and be all that we are.
“Didn’t they know I gave up me, for this!” – wow! MAS – what a question, and where was ‘their’ gratitude for the price I was paying would seem to be the next question being begged. I had a dream once and it centred on the question “Are you prepared to pay the price?” – and your statement took me back to that long ago dream. Thank you for your inspiring blog.
I love that too Roberta, thanks for highlighting it here, this is exactly how I was feeling, wanting to be seen in my sacrifice and the tremendous effort I was making in being a good member of society but of course there is no appreciation for sacrifice as hiding and giving your power away is not a true contribution to society.
I love this question Roberta too as it shows how we set ourselves up to be antagonised. We create it all the moment we sell ourselves short and in turn hold everything else less than its potential.
This line also got my full attention. And made me realise this is exactly what I have done and also why I was so internally angry at times in the past.
Oh yes, the resentment that no one notices our ‘sacrifice’. It is so crazy when we see it for what it truly is.
Yes the good girl role was ingrained in my life for a very long time too. Never wanting to ruffle any feathers and just stay on the fence really. But when we live with truth, there is no where to go but forward. So each step we take forward is one in the direction of truth and responsibility. The fence can get pretty hard to sit on for long periods of time.
‘The fence can get pretty hard to sit on for long periods of time’. Well said Kelly, it becomes mighty painful as well!
It’s such a shame that free feeling little beings soon confirm to the roles such as ‘good girl’ or ‘politeness’ in an exchange to simply receive recognition or attention because very rarely do we get met for the huge encompassing love we are.
I got to reflecting after reading your comment Kelly, as I could relate, but after I stopped to feel more of how it played out for me I could feel that the idea of ‘fence sitting’, and not falling into one camp or the other, essentially fitting in and not ‘ruffling any feathers’, or ‘rocking the boat’, was not fence sitting or ‘neutral’ at all, as now I know truth there is only truth and what is not truth, no fence. What I once would have called fence sitting, a kind of imagined ‘nutrality’ of ‘measureed niceness’, I now see was me turning my back on truth, my truth, the truth of life and us all, and hoping over the fence, away from who I am into the land of fitting in, a land on the other side of the fence altogether.
What an amazing blog – thank you MAS. Being ‘good’ and ‘getting it right’ have certainly been life traps for me. As I have been learning to catch them when they are playing out, I have found greater simplicity in how I am in my life. This is something that I didn’t really anticipate but it has shown me just how much unnecessary stress and strain I have put myself under through avoiding/down playing/hiding my capacity for love.
your opening line nails it for me MAS — “to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love” –very much relate to the decisions not to rock the boat and to go for acceptance over love.
Yes Joel, the choice is easily made I find. Even though I know more and more in myself what is true, the need for recognition is very persistent at times. Which makes me then waver from what I actually feel is love and truth. What I feel from this blog is that it is with a strong love for myself and being there for myself is the only way out of the need for acceptance and recognition.
Recognition and acceptance was so strong in me – I so just wanted to please in order that I could be loved. I see now what a horrible trap that is. We are amazingly divine just by breathing our own breath.
It did for me too Joel, it not only shows as you say why we choose this but it also shows that ‘good’ is actually for self where we want to believe it is for the other.
MAS what you have articulated here I am sure many of us can relate to, very much for myself. You line…..”Life became about getting it ‘right’ and following what society said to believe, and how to be.” this is how I lived my life or I was the queen of ‘being nice’. In doing this, it very much ensured that I gave my power away in many situations, work, family, friends, partner. Re-learning to back yourself, express from love, speak your truth all comes with practice. Something I too am re-learning and taking each day as it comes, making choices to be in my strengths, know what and where I need to put more energy into, in order to continue to feel and express all of me.
Ah MAS you really shine a light on the way this all plays out. I could totally relate and nodded all the way through. This is a line that shows up so much “I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, because if I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, then I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict.”
This is the same if we play the good card, the lesser card, the rebelion card, and more. And the behaviours that come in to “continuously not feel what I actually did feel” are the real killers, taking many forms, but all dulling us down and harming ourselves and others in the process.
It seems we shun our power because it potentially rocks the boat..which is kind of madness because the boat is needing the support of a true way, and a bit of rocking can lead to such worthwhile clear waters..such that we actually offer a way beyond the storm if we made the “choice to stand for Truth, the choice to put relationships first and the choice to lovingly back herself all the way.”
This is great to read Kate, ‘It seems we shun our power because it potentially rocks the boat..which is kind of madness because the boat is needing the support of a true way, and a bit of rocking can lead to such worthwhile clear waters’, I really like this, I can feel how in the past I have not wanted to rock the boat, i have avoided any conflict and in this it has meant that I have avoided speaking truth, so reading that actually rocking the boat can clear waters feel wonderful.
So well said Kate – “because the boat is needing the support of a true way …” I can so see how I have not wanted to rock the boat, stand out. When we really stop and ask why and go deep into feeling the reasons why, it’s actually hard to wonder why we do this. What’s the worst thing that could really happen? But shy away I have, and hidden under the guise of being oh so very good so I don’t stand out. Just keeping exposing it and feeling it is a rock solid way to move through this – supported by awesome blogs and comments like these. Thank you.
Yes, Kate, I have found myself at times taking the “easier” road so as to not rock the boat especially at work. When I do this I can feel myself pandering to people and this feels pretty awful. When I speak with clarity, truth and honesty the boat does get rocked but those around me can feel the truth from me and choose how they react. I am learning that I am not responsible for their reactions! Thank you MAS for starting this conversation.
Yes great expansion on the blog Kate. Rocking the boat is simply questioning the norm and this is essential when so much in life is about marketing, persuading, control. What has become normal has led to inordinate rises is physical and mental health…keep rocking the boat I say!
Thank you for sharing this Mary. A clear example of our fighting how we naturally are hurts us and our body. we try so hard to fight and change what comes naturally into something else so that we fit in with the world. It doesn’t do anyone any favours.
I agree Emily and I do this to myself “A clear example of our fighting how we naturally are hurts us and our body”. It’s a Bad habit ‘to think’ we are fitting in. But what about surrendering and taking your feelings to a whole another level. Every time I choose to surrender there is something more to feel – it gives you great understanding.
I always had the sense that if there was some kind of internal audit and assessment of our life, I would be marked and pass the test based on the good I did. Funnily enough there was never enough ‘good’ I seemed to be able to do. What this blog and your words here MAS have helped me see is that this ‘good’ was simply a form of control. Our worth and beauty come way before any act or thing we do. Our power flows from the truth we live.
Haha, if an internal audit would have been done on me in my earlier life, I would pass the test so good….at callibrating that I would be marked as Ms Invisible e.g.not seeing who I truly am. I had so many ways to not be confronted to be seen or met by others, because my disappointment of not being met in my early years was huge. Now I know it is all about connecting to myself first, the love that I am, and relate to others in the same way. A total turn around of what my way of being was. And so liberating and the way to be and live.
I’ve had that sort of ‘how much good have I done’ inventory going on too Joseph. As you say, the answer is, ‘never enough’. Liife is not about doing good but being Love and Love is always enough.
That is such an insightful way to regard ‘good’ Joseph, as so often we dupe ourselves into thinking that being ‘good’ is what life is all about, rather than identifying it as a deep form of control we engage in because of our hurts. I am slowly learning to leave ‘nice’ and ‘good’ behind in favour of truth, which actually ups the stakes in terms of conduct and interaction, because when we deliver truth from our hearts, we do so without judgement, criticism or aggression, emotions that can be hidden behind that ‘good’ mask which cause deep harm both to ourselves and those we are being ‘good’ for.
This is a good point – there is a seeming safety in living a measured life of ‘good’ a comfortability that in truth is deeply uncomfortable both for ourselves and all others.
That is the irony Rowena – well said. Doing ‘good’ is much more harming than slapping someone in the face!
Joseph and Rowena what you shine a light on here is huge. Thank you both.
Joseph, one of the most lovely ways I’ve heard this confirmed, was by a fellow student of the Livingness who said something like: “the worst that can happen is that I will be left with my Livingness”. May we all proceed with our truth, no matter the discomfort that results from reflecting brightly in the eyes of all who choose to see and those who do not.
Beautifully put, Joseph: “Our worth and beauty come way before any act or thing we do. Our power flows from the truth we live.”
I am practicing this specifically in my self-appreciation and don’t only appreciate myself for doing something.
Absolute GOLD Joseph ~ ‘Our worth and beauty come way before any act or thing we do. Our power flows from the truth we live’
Agreed Sara – this is pure Gold.
Joseph that’s great ” ‘good’ was simply a form of control” and I also relate to the internal audit and assessment, I feel I have lived a lot of my life under the magnifying glass self assessing and beating myself up for not getting it right according to my picture of ‘good’. As a student of Universal Medicine I can now see the limited, controlled, judgemental, stifling way I was living what I thought was a normal life.
Just beautiful Joseph, I love your expansion of MAS’ honest and super supportive blog, in that you see how ‘ being good’ is a form of control. I hid away as MAS did and set myself up as a peace maker between my Mother and Sister and all it did was bring further layers of complication and untruths to our family.I can feel how this measured and calculated way of being put such tension in my soft tissue – like I was walking around in a suit of armour. The more I have valued my expression and appreciated me and just let myself be me, my body softened, freed up and so did how I expressed my love and appreciation of everyone.
MAS this is super timely for me to read as I too have been the good girl and spent years in reaction to my own choices. I have a new role at my work and I have left this old pattern sneaking in at times so great to read your experience as it inspires me to hold all the love and self honouring I have developed with the support of Serge Benhayon over the last few years.
“…. I too have been the good girl and spent years in reaction to my own choices.”
Thank you Sharon for nominating this as I can so relate, venting my frustration with myself on others many times. This way of life was so not helpful, but until I came across Universal Medicine I did not find a way out of it, even though I tried a lot of self-help courses, but none of them delivered to me that it all comes back to choices that I can make and what will support me on a very practical level to eventually bring change as MAS so beautifully shares in her blog.
I can relate to this at work also Sharon. I realise I was not just being the good worker but also wanting to be the best at what I do… A couple of months ago I began to let that go – I realised that no matter how much I pushed myself to be the good PA, my boss would just want more, more more, she was really critical and would not listen… it was exhausting trying to keep that up and I soon realised things had to change. I wrote her a letter and then we had a chat. Since then there is more respect between us as equals – its not perfect and we still have moments where we need to chat through tricky behaviour, but its so much more honest and real. Speaking truth from our hearts cuts through the gunk and is super powerful. My confidence in approaching the subject has also increased from it.
Giving our power away creates disharmony and illness in our physical bodies, it feels retched to experience and come to see; but the feeling of making more and more choices to stand in ones truth is an absolute heaven-sent sensation throughout every cell. Why we have each specifically chosen to give our power away is something for every person to explore and to hold themselves in compassion and love with all that they find is deeply precious and important.
I love it cheriseholt, “… truth is an absolute heaven-sent sensation throughout every cell.” This makes the effect of speaking truth very tangible and a bodily experience and it shows what great medicine it truly is.
And to add, there is little one can do unless they move along with grace and no investment: “and staying open and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Sometimes we would come to a place that felt true for us both, and sometimes we did not.”
Really beautiful to read MAS. It’s incredible what we do to ourselves to get recognition because we don’t feel love around us when we are younger. We just see the recognition game being played out all around us and so then follow suit. It’s even more incredible when we turn this around and live truthfully from us. No doubt you knocked everyone dead with your transformation. Keep it coming.
I remember as a child absolutely knowing that everyone was selling themselves out, but when you feel like it is you against the world the pain of this is acute.. it is then very understandable as to why you do the same. To actually admit you have done this is rather incredible in itself, let alone turn things around and to claim yourself back in the face of stiff reaction. As you say Emily – keep it coming!
In reading your comment Michelle819, I remember this also as a child – the pain of me against the world and asking myself, was I prepared to go it ‘alone’. As children we do feel it all. I now know that selling out is more devastating and has long lasting effects on the body, which is why I am inspired to keep building and strengthening the love already there within us.
I loved reading how you came from being good to being you, how you dealt with how uncomfortable that journey was at times but how you stayed with yourself. This takes great courage but I love that you were inspired by other people who have put truth and love and relationships first, as I am by reading this.
I too have hidden for a long time, the fear of getting things wrong and the shame I can sometimes feel but the beauty of feeling how wonderful it is to stand by truth, despite how some people have reacted, not to me, but to their choices, is a freedom I had always sought but now know how to be.
I can second that Karin and it is so great that we can inspire each other as I would not know how to find back to truth without that, as sometimes I am so ingrained in behaviours and they have become so normal that I do not even notice that anything could be wrong with them. It then takes the reflection or sharing of another to remind me that there is another way.
that is key Karin they react to the choices they make or are unwilling to make. It makes sense it is hard to look at a reflection if it is saying your more than this that you are choosing as it is very in your face that your not choosing it, and that hurts if we feel it but mostly we do anything to not feel that pain so we reject the reflection and dismiss it.
I started to highlight a line that stood out and then I almost went to highlight the whole blog as so many lines stood out. What you write here MAS is incredibly powerfull, insightful, honest and a well needed discussion to be had about ‘being good’. The first line that jumped out was “I might have been ‘good’ but I was deeply unhappy” – when I read that I felt you were writing that on behalf of the majority of the world. How many of us have sacrificed being ourselves to be good?? And how many people – if they really asked themselves and answered honestly – are deeply unhappy? I would suggest quite a few. Thank you for sharing this and starting the conversation on being good and the damage we bring upon ourselves when do this. And for also showing what else is possible.
sarahflenley, you used the word ‘sacrifice’ and it seems the perfect word to use. We sacrifice all the love, joy and truth that is there for us when we choose to be something else. I remember in the past how much I strived to be ‘good’. It was what I wanted most of all, because I thought if I was ‘good’ then ‘good’ would come to me. That’s not how it worked. Being authentic, being yourself … well, that’s the best thing that I know, and wow how the burdens have just fallen away.
Yeah thats so awesome Sarah! When we are good we are deeply unhappy! Because being good is not our natural state, it is an effort to maintain and is many layers over our true, expressive, fiery self.
True Harry. We put on the ‘good’ routine to play it safe and not rock the boat when the very mask we put on and the role we play to control the world around us, serves to keep our light contained, and control us – it is our greatness that we hold back from humanity.
Yes harryjwhite. It is such an effort to be ‘good’. I worked very very hard at this for many years and became very very unhappy as a result. Good is certainly not all it’s cracked up to be!
Very true Sarah. Being good just sounds odd, like you are conforming to a benchmark and sometimes that might be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole! You would be forever feeling like it was a battle and something you had to keep trying to do. If we are ourselves we actually don’t need to have good or bad, we would know innately what is a supportive choice and what is not, not simply for ourselves but within the much larger picture.
Yes, being good comes with a lot of need.
Thank you MAS the timing of reading your blog is very appreciated. I’ looking forward to re-reading many times, there is so much you share all beautiful gems to make the whole to claim for myself it is my time.
It can never be considered a ‘good’ thing to dismiss ourselves and the truth we know. It is not honouring of ourselves or the other. I would much rather receive a slap of truth than a polite gesture that hides what lay beneath. We can all feel the tone of each others communications so we are not really hiding anything.
Thank you MAS, a remarkable transition to accomplish because so often we get caught by the notion of Good and Bad and it leads us away from our true power. Your decision to let the Good Girl go and begin the live the true you is very inspiring. When we are able to feel and claim our love within, tackling those un-comfortable moments becomes easier as our inner power supports us to observe and step back from many of our habitual emotional reactions and express ourselves in an entirely new way, in our unique and loving way. I too am hugely inspired by Serge Benhayon who as you say consistently offers us “amazing reflections of true power, a power that comes from love, that emanates and reflects absolute responsibility and integrity.”
The choices we make to take on roles in life that we hope will bring us love or even just acceptance are very damaging to our bodies as I have experienced in the past and still do sometimes make un loving choices. My coping mechanism was to express anger and rage or the other extreme was to totally withdraw from life I am aware I still do all of this but mostly to a far lesser degree. These days as I deepen my self love and tenderness with myself and become more connected with my body I am far more aware and able to feel and the consequences of the self-abusive and self-loathing choices I sometimes make. As I claim my authentic self and honor my truly gentle tender delicate self I am able to connect to these qualities and express from my true self more.
“But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!” – It’s true there is the discomfort from the rejection when we’ve tried so hard to please but more than this is the hurt of knowing that we chose to disconnect from who we truly are.
I love your expression Mas. Most of us are taught that being good is what earns us love from young, but being good actually feels abusive to the body. Aren’t we then educated from young to to self-abuse and accept abuse? What we are told will get us love, is actually nothing of love. The choice to accept what is called love when every particle in the body knows it is not, is a deep dishonoring I have also chosen. Reaction and rebellion happens from knowing this is what I am doing to myself. The process of returning to power is an unfolding simply of the love that is already there, but has been suppressed in favour of something outside of myself, because the love within is too precious to ignore. The body gives us so many opportunities to confirm with ourselves how this love feels inside of us. What I find really powerful in this process is accepting how it is at times not easy, not familiar, very awkward and even overwhelming in expressing truth but to just go for it, and disccover that the building of love in the body self-confirms and self-appreciates—love works!
I used to think I was being the peacemaker too MAS, but I know now that to hold back sharing how I felt was dishonest and manipulative. At the time I didn’t see it that way and often wondered why people didn’t want to be agreeable and keep the peace, but now I see the truth and know that speaking out doesn’t mean I have to do it in an abusive way just with honesty and love. I have Serge Benhayon and the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom to thank for this revelation.
Thank you MAS, your article highlights that there is really no difference whether we play out the ‘good’ one or the ‘bad’ one in life as both are in reaction to..or acted out as a way to secure love or get recognition of some sort.
There is no trying when we speak in truth it just is what it is.
Holding back from expressing from our true selves is a wasted opportunity to confirm ourselves as amazing and also another. It is true nothing can be got from holding back the very thing we are made to do, which is to express our amazing selves in full.
Fabulous blog MAS, I have received tremendous insight into “good” within my own life from what you have shared – thank you. I can completely relate to choosing to be “Good” over simply being myself and how much this stuffs down true expression. I was trying so hard to please and fit in and prove myself as well as avoid conflict. I had given up on being myself because it seemed to produce a very big reaction in others. The flip side of this for me is I also denied myself the opportunity to simply feel and know my own feelings. Being good definitely does not work. It’s so joyful to be exiting out of this and simply be love for myself and with others.
Powerful sharing MAS. I can relate to much that you have shared and upon reflection realise how crazy the notion is to exchange being our true selves for being ‘good’. As of course we become exhausted as we are constantly overriding who we are, keeping up the game of trying to fit into someone else’s picture of what being ‘good’ is. I certainally did. Let alone the constant build-up of unspoken emotions that are felt, build up and are held in as a result of choosing this. I have realised that there is a huge difference between being ‘good’ and being ‘true’ and the difference is in honouring ‘me’. For claiming and being who we are means that we are being with and reflecting truth and love. This is our true power and as you beautiful said -‘Claiming back my power has nothing to do with being good or about control, it’s about being me and bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within, that emanates from the body and expresses from the inner heart.’
‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.’ So simple, yet so powerful.
I loved reading your article, MAS, a beautiful reflection of how you have chosen to ‘re-claim’ your self back.
Beautiful MAS. I am myself only recently starting to express much more of what I really feel. For a very long time I had a relationship with Truth as it had to be expressed. Through which I gave myself a hard time, a lot of pressure. I missed Love! It is actually such a lovely feeling when I do express from Love, so appeciative, tender and exquisite. The resonance and confirmation that I than feel inside my own body is the most amazing feel that I know. As if I’m filled up with me. Such a lovely warmth!
As you, and I, discovered MAS, being the “good girl” is exhausting (as we give our power away) and oh so superficial, while all the time, underneath the surface of the “goodness” many other emotions are rumbling and grumbling away and it is inevitable that they will eventually explode forth in one way or another; the rebellious teenager, the fanatical sportsperson, the drug taker etc. To trust that we are all enough just as we are, and that we have a voice that deserves to be heard, is something that all children need to be presented with from the beginning of their lives, then there would be no need to be the “good” girl or boy to get recognition or love; no more need for roles or masks, just the absolute freedom to be our glorious selves.
MAS your comment – ‘Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel’…….is exposing for us all. When we choose to be good it can be all about delaying dealing with our hurt, and it could be about being noticed, being seen and looking for recognition which puts another layer on not dealing with what we are really feeling. There is a direct relationship with this delay and our unhealthy understanding of Time also. Delaying and not acknowledging means we are giving our power away. Stepping up and speaking your truth meant that there was an open door to be a part of meeting others in truth and this is what happened for you. This is a beautiful confirmation of what can be if we choose to re-claim ourselves in the moment and live our fullness.
It is so important to be honest and honour what we are feeling rather than be good and polite but we are not taught this let alone encouraged as children to express what we feel. Thanks for writing about it. I am sure many can relate.
I certainly can relate to being inspired by someone when they say it like it is and don’t hold back becuase of how someone may react. We all benefit from the truth being shared and it stops us all being caught up in the “nice” and good illusion.
I can certainly relate to this article.
One thing I have been really aware of in my relationships lately is how if I am not straight up, and say exactly what I am feeling, or do what is really what I know I want to do or say, then although I might ‘keep the peace’ and keep everyone happy, I end up feeling resentment for not being myself and a small ‘blame’ builds up inside. This ends up really getting in the way of the honesty that is needed to have true relationships.
It is deeply beautiful to know that the only difference between us and another, is the choices we have made to stand and live for the truth we all know and feel, or not. The beauty of inspiration is that we are reminded that at any time we can choose to live and be all we innately are and that our next step can always be one to embrace this.
Yea beautiful Samantha. At any moment we can make a choice to live from who we are. And it doesn’t come any less or more then if we make it 10yrs ago.
Yes, and as we all stand side by side in our choices we can realise that we are all here to learn and explore our own qualities, with humble appreciation and always with a confirming celebration of who we truly are.
This is very revealing MAS thank you. Who would have thought being good would lead to anger? I am glad you explained clearly how this could happen. For me giving my power away was doing things I knew were not fair. I wanted others to notice it was not fair but because I kept choosing the behavior it became more ridiculous. Everyone knew it but nobody said anything. I thought I was the victim, when really I was the perpetrator. Through lack of self worth I was not claiming myself this created an energy vacuum and it was extremely disharmonious, it was my way of controlling things. It never worked because it was never true and I became extremely resentful.
Bernard, that’s a great one doing things we know are unfair, yet if we do them we effectively say we agree with them. So we can’t blame others and go into resentment no matter how much we try! We always choose and if we don’t choose to stand and speak what is true, then we are saying we agree with what is not true.
Thank you for sharing this very detailed account MAS of the harm of doing good. There is a very big difference between being good and being Love. One gives us a life of disempowerment and abuse. The other has us confidently standing knowing who we are and is very very empowering.
Well said Shevon. As in truth, being ‘good’ is actually harmful. Not only to ourselves but to all others around us. As we choose to accept to live less than who we truly are we choose to settle for less in general, and with this we have allowed a culture to develop that thinks that being ‘good’ is it and normal. Whereas who we are is so much more, and as you say when we choose to be Love we choose to be ‘confidently standing knowing who we are and is very very empowering.’ – beautifully holding all and reflecting to all the grandness of Love that we essentially and truly are.
Brilliant Shevon, this blog certainly highlights how damaging, dishonouring and harming being good is.
In a nutshell … “I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices.” – so succinct and it takes away any blame of others (or self) or feeling like a victim and brings in 100% responsibility. Great blog – thank you MAS.
Thanks for pointing this part out Sandra.. It also curbs jealousy and brings understanding…allowing inspiration to lead the way.
It stops jealousy firmly in its tracks Emily when we stop and appreciate what we see in another and are inspired by them.
Spot on Sandra; the power of our choice in every moment truly defines our lives and we can choose to make an empowering choice in every moment too. I’m taking this truth into my day today! Thank you.
“The power of our choice in every moment” is a great catch phrase Bernadette. We can choose to be our self or to please others. ‘To be or not to be that is the question’. One choice can inspire and evolve others and the other never dares to rock the boat.
“I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.” A wonderful realisation MAS, what you’ve shown is that we can’t be good AND be truly loving, we choose one over the other! it is no wonder that resentment rises when we choose to be good over being true to the love we naturally are.
Oh man that smacks us doesn’t it! Being ‘good’ is actually very destructive to the very fabric of our being. Ouch!
Really ugly isn’t it? something we grow up believing is a virtue, is in fact not only self destructive but horrible for the person at the receiving end of it – If I ‘do good’ I’m confirming them not, in who they/we truly are. Ouch indeed simplesimon888!
Ouch…all that goodness and niceness is not love. Is it possible that being ‘good’ is actually harming?
Very harming because our understanding of the word itself has become such a desirable quality that it has us convinced it’s the best way to be. So when there is ‘good’ and ‘nice’, nothing gets challenged. It’s so uncomfortable to consider we are harming when we are being nice/good because of all the false beliefs and illusion around it, that keep us from the truth.
MAS, I love the line: “More importantly, I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.” Once the direction is clear and as strongly felt like you shared here, maybe the feet still stick in the “mud of being good”, but the way is clear. So beautiful how you have described your steps and the way from being good to becoming true with yourself and everyone else around you. Inspirational and strong, it touched me deep. Thank you.
Attention instead of Love. Wow MAS you had me from the start. This article is beautiful and a powerful read. ‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love’
How common is this among us? To be good is what we strive for, what we are asked to be as children and what society expects. To be true? Now there’s the key to life. Thank you for sharing and for making such inspirational changes. 🙂
Our true power is being ourselves in every moment, beautiful blog MAS. There is nothing that can empower us from the outside, we can put layers of protection onto us and pretend to feel safe and powerful behind those, but we then need a constant effort to rebuild and maintain those walls. Thats no true power. True power feels light, delicate, vulnerable and very joyful and comes from within.
I can relate to that so much and have now a deeper understanding and have just started to claim back my power. Thank You for opening this up here.
There is an unmistakable power in writing from your experiences here MAS that we all can relate to. You have exposed the evil of todays accepted form of ‘good’ which is lived by many as a giving away of their power in the belief that it is empowering them with the ease in which it can earn them recognition and acceptance. It soon becomes a trap as the only way we know to live and the truth we accept as truth is never from our hearts but from our heads.
Like many I also tried to please but in doing so could feel many frustrations in holding back what I truly felt so therefore became quite frustrated and created many forms of comfort and control to try and ease those deep inner feelings. Finding that I too have an amazing voice through which to express what I truly feel. Because of the inspirational courses/workshops and presentations of Universal Medicine with Serge Benhayon and more recently the amazing Expression Programme with Simone Benhayon. Its like the flood gates of my whole body has woken up. In your beautiful words “Its about me bringing forth the amazing strength and knowingness that resides within that eminates from the body and expresses from the inner heart”. Thank you MAS for this wonderful sharing.
I can relate to the politeness and goodness not trying to disturb an keep at all cost the harmony, in fact trying to be a peacekeeper by knowing where everybody was at and navigating accordingly. But as you describe it, this is very much an act of self-abondonment and is not truly keeping harmony only a balancing of situations desperately holding things together. To let go of the goodness and politeness is a step by step process I have found, letting go of the control, learning to deeply care for oneself and take the responsibility first and foremost over one’s own life, learning to be honest instead of pleasing and with that finding a way back to one’s truth.
Thank you MAS. The difference between being ‘good’ and being ‘true’ is so huge. When I was growing up I was the peace keeper too. I was always the one stuck in the middle with no opinion trying to smooth things over. The pent up anger was huge. I still find myself in this pattern sometimes, but gradually I am managing to change this pattern and speak my truth.
This is an awesome blog MAS, I had a couple of uncomfortable moments noticing where I can still slip into being ‘good’, looking for approval outside of me, but I have also had a moment of appreciation for myself for recognising this, with the support of your words. These blogs offer an amazing healing opportunity.
This is such a powerful statement ‘I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.’ and I can feel this has been at the heart of my sadness whenever I have given my power away. Thank you for such a powerful blog which is so inspiring.
Being good or being rebellious, two ends of the same coin, looking outside for the love we crave and when disappointed strategising a way to cope and try to control life. Most of us know this story too well. And all along everything we want is within ourself just waiting to be expressed!
Awesome piece – this could be my story – the push to be good or rebel against being good is a driving force behind so many lives, I love how you shared the reconnection to be true.
Thank you for sharing so honestly your experience MAS. Beautiful how you changed from being “good” to reclaim back your inner power.
This is an amazing blog MAS. There is a knowingness inside of us even when we wobble or give away our power. As you say there is an inner strength and clarity inside us all that is there waiting.
Thank you MAS for this article about power. I loved what you said here – “I chose not to settle for attention or mediocrity, as love was my new benchmark.” When we feel the love that is on offer, everything else like the attention or recognition we previously craved pales into insignificance. Shedding our need for attention or recognition can be a long process as there will be behaviours and patterns we have picked up over seeming lifetimes. Building more love in ourselves allows these to be shed one by one, until one day nothing but love is able to be lived.
‘Nice’ and ‘good’ are words which now make me shudder as I remember the suffocating feeling of holding back an honest response in case I got a reaction from others. It was a form of control to keep myself ‘safe’ but I sure paid the price by diminishing myself to a mere shadow of what I know myself to be. The sadness and anger of that is still releasing from my body but at last I am feeling more alive from not repressing it. I hate to think how much harm was caused to others as well by my not being me.
‘The only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices’. MAS, this is a great reminder to us that we can all claim our power if we are willing to say Yes to stepping out of our comfort zone and showing who we truly are. A far cry from the ‘good girl’ and so great that you were able to let go of that persona and be more honest.
“I didn’t talk or when I did talk, I changed my voice and spoke to them in a different way so not to disturb. I became the peace keeper, the daughter who didn’t cause any problems. I was finely attuned to where everyone was at; I could say the right things at the right time and did all my chores diligently. I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.
But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!”
I found this too and at the time couldn’t really understand it – wasn’t I giving them what they wanted and appeasing them – but from where I am now it makes absolute sense and I can feel the irresponsibility of behaving in such a way that neither holds any truth nor is it evolving anyone.
‘ I controlled life in such a way where nobody could say anything bad about me because I was so good, so nice and so polite.’, great that you identify this here MAS, that we control life in this way. Your story out of this damaging way of life is inspiring.
Your willingness to be honest and share all of you as you have done in this blog is inspiring, Thank you MAS for re-claiming yourself and making it possible for others to do the same .
‘Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!’ – how true are these words. I have carried a lot of anger and sadness in my body for giving my power away. Slowly but surely I too am dropping my mask and allowing the love I hold inside to come out. I can feel my inner strength growing and it feels very powerful and liberating. A very beautiful blog MAS, thank you.
I love how you show it is not so much the being good that is the issue, but the fact that we are not being honest and true to ourselves. MAS your writing opens up my heart.
Beautifully expressed Abby. With being honest we beautifully surrender to the truth of who we are.
We deeply admire the good person, for never do they seek to rock the boat, but never do they seek either to inspire us to the truth that lays within. Thank you MAS for such an honest sharing.
Yes I too have been sold out to being good and not rocking the boat. I’ve been letting go of these false ways for almost 8 years now, and there’s still new things I’m seeing every week. All the games I play or false behaviors or ways of being I go into to keep things nice. It’s sneakily hidden throughout the way I’ve tried to control life.
Where does this notion of “good” come from? I too played good for most of my life, and did it well (although I built a mountain of resentment in the process).
It did not make me happy though. And here is the kicker….it didn’t make anyone else happy either, not sustainably anyway. One “good” act had to be followed by another and another…and that really gives away the falsity of it…the absolute lie in fact. I am dropping the good act, to great joy and inner acclaim. I am occasionally nice, but I don’t let that hold sway for too long. I am less likeable, but still have a way to go in dropping any and all pretences where that is concerned. What I am though is far more me.
I would love to say that I worked this out for myself, but it took the wisdom of Serge Benhayon to sheer through the constructs that held me bound in a conformist prison. His teachings and the Way of the Livingness were my get out of gaol card into the true freedom that is the power that is ours by birthright. That power is me, and I hand it away to no other person ever again.
Thank you MAS, your story reflects much that I have experienced in life – trying to be ‘loved’ by being ‘good’, with the result that the inner anger turned to rebellion – I was critical of everyone including myself. That judgement was very much a part of my marriage where I was constantly feeling ‘not enough’ in myself, and blaming everyone else. Since meeting Serge Benhayon and learning so much about taking responsibility and what true love is, I have let go of a great deal of anger but still am working on this. Nowadays I can feel I sometimes refuse to let love in, but I am surrounded by friends who are living with such tenderness it melts my heart. It is a kind of very subtle self-harm that I do – maybe no scars to show, but the effects can be felt in the lack of joy and the pretence that all is OK when it clearly is not, when I feel that I am not enough.
An insightful article on an issue that I can relates to MAS. I have been a pleaser, a peacemaker and at times tried to be the good person (I couldn’t quite pull that off for long periods because I’d be seething with resentment all too soon). Being nice and fitting in , not rocking the boat is not satisfying because it lacks truth and integrity… no room for me to express in that scenario. I too have found that when I take the courage to be authentic and express me I feel expansive and stronger, and people generally respond to me more positively, even if they do not agree with what I say or think.
Being good, bad or anything else for the purpose of recognition simply doesnt work. The only way is to appreciate our self worth and express from our truth. Thanks MAS
It is interesting MAS, how you talk about the flip side of being ‘good’ as becoming rebellious. Neither is true expression. Good is accepted as being ‘better’ as it doesn’t rock the boat. But in fact rebellion may be a little more honest.
True power comes from choosing to connect to what we feel and allowing that to come out and into whatever we do in life. I feel like I am still in that midway point whereby there is still a resistance to letting go and returning to fully feeling. But from reading this blog there is a strong sense that I can’t but feel – that backing ourselves as we already are is far greater then anything we may try to be. Thank you MAS.
I know the good girl very well myself, and agree that choosing this has not truly supported me. I have become very ‘good’ at it and am now working with letting this go and embracing a new way that feels much more honouring of myself and my relationships. In recent years I have discussed this old pattern with one my sisters who was open about how she resented my ‘good’ behaviour that set up comparison and competition for parent and teacher attention, and more distance and tension between us than if I simply allowed myself to be me.
My growing awareness of has also been (and continues to be) inspired by the teachings available with Universal Medicine.
It is so lovely to feel your commitment to choosing truth again. As I read the article I felt ‘YES, this I wish to choose for myself too’. Your example of the workplace is great – I have some expression to allow more here and it is great to feel this and that I am ready to ‘have a go’ as it were with a willingness to learn every step of the way.
“But people did make judgments despite my best performance, and this was devastating because I tried so hard to please. Didn’t they know, I gave up being me for this!” Wow! This is such a revelatory statement MAS and explains so much about the hurts we feel when even when we try to do everything we think is being asked of us, we will still be rejected by some. I remember that feeling well and the ensuing confusion and further withdrawal from life to try to protect myself from being hurt again. Didn’t work! The only thing that does is stopping looking outside ourselves for approval and step by baby step, learn to appreciate and love ourselves again. Then we are free – and even if judgements come our way (which they always will), they don’t get a look in.
I relate so much to everything you say – I always tried to be like my mother and be more like my sister as I thought I wasn’t very nice. I was truthful and feisty but I dampened myself down and became so nice,losing my true self love and honesty. It is wonderful to refind that truth and fall in love with ourselves again.
Great subject to talk about MAS so thank you.
This bit sticks out for me – “there are consequences for people who have a voice..”
I would agree as I have been at the receiving end of the ‘consequences’ you are talking about and it does put you off to a point but if you start to Live everyday with Truth as your focus then it becomes hard to continue on the nice and good road which in of course is hurting us beyond words.
Maybe living in this way that you describe means our body will get exhausted because we are not in our natural state when we are giving our power away.
Could it be possible that those who are playing ‘good’ for whatever reason are exhausted as their life force is drained because they are living someone they are naturally not?
Possible?
An absolute gem of an article. “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, because if I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, then I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict.” This resounds through me, it is such a huge thing to feel the tension around me, and something I have wanted to run from all my life. I can honestly say it is only now that I am learning to deal with this. For years I could understand what was going on, but still strove to change the outcome, to manipulate the situation so that the tension would disappear, I now know this does nothing but accentuate what is at play. Taking responsibility as always is huge, and trusting you can deal with whatever comes your way is just as important.
MAS, thank you for your detailed account of how giving our power away absolutely foils any opportunity we have to express our unique and powerful contribution in the world. I could relate to your experiences very well and I too appreciate the presentations and livingness of Serge Benhayon is presenting, the truth that it is our purpose to express who we are and not hold back! We live so much less than we are when we hold back and I am continuously feeling how and when I do this.
Thank you MAS for sharing your story and the simple steps you’ve taken to reclaiming your power and allowing yourself to be more of you. I could relate to much of your story. So much hiding in roles and relationships, and a lot of exhaustion in trying to be perfect. Leaving the familiarity of good, polite and perfect behind sometimes feels very uncomfortable. But it’s so worth it because life becomes easier and much richer, as we connect to others from who we truly are and allow ourselves to be seen. There’s a flow to life and an opportunity to go deeper in our relationships.
Yes Bryony beautifully expressed and this is my experience too ‘it’s so worth it because life becomes easier and much richer, as we connect to others from who we truly are and allow ourselves to be seen. There’s a flow to life and an opportunity to go deeper in our relationships.’
Thank you MAS, it is so true that we can never find love by seeking outside of ourself, bringing appreciation to our self and our own worth is the only way to change the feelings of insecurity and self loathing. No-one else can ever do that with their words or actions, it can only ever come from within.
Absolutely true Stephen, our love and truth has to come from within, we will never find it looking for it outside of us. Ironically that is how we get caught up in our own little world, as opposed to that love of ourselves which is equal to love of all others and we are greatly expanded. Our thoughts are unifying for humanity.
Very true Stephen. We’ve got the power to initiate change in our lives to completely flip how we feel, about life and ourselves. Most of us are waiting for a fix and a rescuer… MAS’s blog is fantastic cause it blows this out of the water- it all comes down to you, what you want and what you choose.
Emily, I could really feel how true it is when you wrote “it all comes down to you, what you want and what you choose”. For what I have chosen I have received in full, and it is only then that I may say, ‘but I don’t want that’ not realizing that I chose it (or an ideal of it) in the beginning. For example, I wanted freedom, expression, to vent, to find a release from my feelings and when I chose rebellion I received in return abuse (self and others), reaction, emotions and became caught in a momentum that wasn’t what I really wanted … so yes, I could do what I wanted, but the misery experienced from the consequences of my choices was deeply felt.
These feelings of insecurity and self loathing can only be band-aided over by another. It will feel a bit like they’re gone, but the truth is they’ve been brushed over and protected, hidden, until the next time we fall and scrape our knee again…revealing the unhealed scab beneath. It is only us who can truly heal ourselves. There are many great and supportive modalities out there to help us along the way, we don’t have to do it alone.
Well said Stephen, no one can bring us love we have to choose it for ourselves. As the saying goes you can take a horse to water but cannot make it drink it, just like you can take someone to love, they have to make the choice. If you do not first start by loving and appreciating yourself, no amount of words from anyone else will ever be enough.
A beautiful article MAS and a gorgeous reminder of the power that is within us all.
It feels like you’ve described my life of ‘good girl’ too, MAS, not rocking the boat but behaving and conforming to a path that suits others. Not being driven by a need to please and be accepted feels the first step, and then honouring ourselves with what we feel to be true becomes easier, and from that we can grow and return to the benchmark of love. When we reclaim our voice and power, we also become inspiring to others.
Reading everyone’s comments here it’s evident that most people have at one stage in their live’s sold out to being good and doing what keeps everyone happy. I’ve also realised that although we say we do this because we don’t want to rock the boat, the truth is that remaining in the nervous energy or tension of not being who we truly are is in fact what rocks the boat, and the only way to stop the boat rocking is to be ourselves in everything we do. Although it may seem worse, it’s just other people’s reactions which can’t truly effect us, where as holding back impacts us significantly.
It seems there are many of us Gill who tried to please by being the ‘good girl’ and I add my name to the list. I made a break for it by going to the big City of London instead of the nice domestic science college in the countryside that my parents offered but I settled for a secretarial college, instead of my desire to go to art college but at least it was in London! Small victory and stepping stones to being me but it was many years later when I met Serge Benhayon that I truly found what freedom meant. Yes, it was within me all the time but I didn’t have the courage to listen to myself until that meeting.
A great blog MAS.
‘I had no idea until now, how much anger and sadness was within me for having made this choice to be good. I was quite reactional, and hurts were easily triggered, but these hurts were there because I had chosen to hide my true self’ – your words express so clearly MAS the way I used to feel – like a bomb waiting to explode from all the accumulated hurts that I held inside. As we claim our truth the anger dissipates and we begin to heal – and emerge as someone with true power and love to share with the world that expands us all as we connect and lose the need for identification.
Thank you for that comment Sue, It was so good for me to read it today.
A gorgeous piece about love, understanding and appreciation.
A pleasure to read, Thank You.
Beautiful sharing, the power lies within us, just by being the truth we are, not holding back and expressing openly and honestly. I recall I too played the good girl role for a long time and built up anger and frustration inside. But having worked on letting that anger and frustration go, I have been reclaiming the power within me.
Thankyou for this blog MAS. “Instead of holding my love for myself and knowing I was enough, I chose to seek approval and tenderness from other people”- I too have done this – as when I expressed how I truly felt for many years as a child and it was ignored, I too became a ‘good nice quiet’ girl. I am finding, through appreciating myself and staying present with my body as much as I am able, that I am untangling this. Just yesterday when I was out shopping I realised how much lighter I feel, despite a lot going on for me currently. The burden of abandoning our true selves and becoming something we are not, lays quite heavily!
The good girl act is soo liked by everyone around us as then we don’t trigger anyone. I have lived that good girl act & it was awful to not express what I truly felt just not to upset anyone, to keep the fake peace. This has changed since attending Universal Medicine workshops & learning to live the real me & expressing from there even if it meant it won’t be liked & make others uncomfortable. As living this way brings truth in situations where sometimes no one wants to speak & then it doesn’t bug you within that you didn’t express what you felt to.
“She was articulate, expressed in a way where there was love and not an ounce of judgment of another, she did not run from conflict but stood solid in herself, open and willing to resolve whatever the problem or matter was that was before her. I was completely inspired and in awe.” Amazing that once we have a living breathing reflection of truth in our midst how willing we are to give full permission for every cell in our body to be all that we know we are.
“I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices”. This is so true for us all. We can all re-claim our power, it is only a choice. Thank you MAS for such a clear annunciation of this truth. It is inspiring.
A wonderful and articulately written blog. There can be a bit of a shock when we ‘drop the mask’ of being happy and the ‘good person” and just be true, this is inevitable as we have been putting false us out there and as we live the real us it causes a shock. Im so inspired by how you shared that when you started to claim your power and express from your heart that managers and people started coming to you for advice, that is truly amazing.
Great point Harryjwhite as when we choose to be love, the power of reflection does reveal the games that have been at play, including ones that we were also engaged in. And it can be confronting when we choose to be honest and realise that this is not who we truly are. But in truth, in our hearts we don’t want to play these games of pretense. What we truly enjoy is connecting with each other through the heart of who we are, Love.
I agree that it’s amazing that people starting coming to her for advice. Some might flip out, but having this response also is incredible. You can really tell you bring something amazing when people start to do this and even when people start to flip out- as your bringing something different and needed. They just aren’t use to seeing it and so the shock occurs.
Agreed Harryjwhite, it takes some adjustment time and understanding when we unmask and essentially move the goal posts, or recontract our role in the game play. I loved hearing about people asking for opinions from MAS too once she started to lift the lid and say what was there – inspiring.
Truly amazing only because it reveals that we all align to truth and can feel it in our bodies harryjwhite. How refreshing and inspiring to be ourselves and even when others react we are left complete because we have expressed what was there to express! This is normal really!
“Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel, because if I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings, then I would be pressed with the responsibility to address relationship issues and this had the potential for conflict. This wasn’t what a good girl does, and more to the point, this wasn’t what I was prepared to do.” Whether you have chosen the “good” path or not, “to continuously not feel what you actually do feel” is the accepted way of the world, for we have become masters of override, because this is what we see played out and confirmed by those around us.
This stood out for me to lucindag. A great insight into why we override what we feel and play the irresponsible card in relationships.
By choosing ‘not to feel’, to override our bodies and instead choose a pattern of behaviour to fulfill a need that we have, we are opening ourselves up to be puppets in the game of life. Something I know too well. No wonder there is so much exhaustion and depression, what a mess we have created. What is so beautiful in what you have shared, MAS, is how easy it is to bring change.
“I know absolutely that the only difference between myself and this inspiring woman was that she had made different choices”
This was a stand out line for me too Lucinda, and reveals the crux of the worlds woes. I agree that “Whether you have chosen the “good” path or not, “to continuously not feel what you actually do feel” is the accepted way of the world, for we have become masters of override”.
By choosing “to continuously not feel what you actually do feel” it means we are setting ourselves up for destructive patterns of behaviour with ourselves and in relationships.
What the world needs is more examples of people who are willing to be true, an inspiration to those that allow the override that there is another way that honours how we truly feel.
I fully agree Simonwilliams8, Serge Benhayon is a leading light and inspiration for us all, and slowly more people are stepping up to the mark and showing that we can live in a way that honours how we truly feel and one which respects everybody else as equals.
And simonwilliams8, when we do feel this claimed confident loving person there is nothing more confirming to be held in this love.
We so know what’s going on, even if we don’t want to know, we still know. But use the cleverness of our behaviours to hide that from ourselves. God that’s tiring.
What I find difficult at times about letting go of being good is the fact that at some point I loose contact to who I really am, because I am so identified with being good. I have to get back to the point where I consciously chose to sacrifice being me and find out: why did I choose so.
“I realise now that every time I chose to be good rather than live true to myself, I gave away my power to be love.” MAS this was and is a choice I also made/make. To see it so clearly in print as you have described it is truly supportive. I invested heavily in being the good daughter, the good pupil, the good worker, the good friend and the good pleasing girlfriend that I lost who I was and what was true in the process. Being able to stand sure of myself in a conflict, or disagreement without buckling to another is a learning art. The more time I appreciate myself, know my strengths and make a commitment to living truth the easier this gets.
Thank you MAS for exposing how easy it is to give our power away. There are many ways to do this but the important realization to make is that is just what we are doing – giving our power away – and what for? There is no real pay-back in this other than a life filled with emotions such as anger, frustration, resentment and many others. When I realized that these emotions are mine even though I maybe reacting to them in other people the most important lesson was that I had these emotions because I was giving my power away!
I loved reading this Mas, I can feel how as a child I used to express how i felt, this would often cause arguments in my family and so at some point I made the choice to be ‘good’ and not call out what was going on that didn’t feel ok, i withdrew and became very quiet, i spent many years like this and it felt awful, it is only in the last few years that I am re-learning to express myself as i did when I was younger. And it feels wonderful when i do.
Wow MAS, very inspirational. The first sentence says it all. ‘I made a choice in my childhood to give my power away in exchange for some attention, the second best thing to love’. We seek attention, approval, appreciation, confirmation, recognition, adoration and sexual attraction but in truth we seek to be loved. We alter ourselves to become what someone else needs and then get frustrated and angry when we still don’t get what we want. I love the way you are willing to feel whatever there is to feel, however confronting and painful that may be, and are re-claiming your power, a power that lays within us all and can be found once we connect back to our inner heart and feel the love that we are.
Thank you for this brilliant true sharing of your life MAS and where you have come to. I too realise that being good and giving my power away does not work and brings enormous stresses in the body holding back and in so much. Meeting Serge Benhayon has changed everything and allowed me to feel the truth of everything which confirmed what I know inside. Undoing these patterns of giving ones power away takes time but is well worth it all the way and allows a true honouring love and foundation to ones life and that of others also.
MAS you sum up what Being good means so well with; “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel”. I can relate to this so well. As you’ve also shared how manipulative and controlling “being good” actually is and what a difference standing in ones power of who we naturally are is in comparison. It especially rings true that whenever I meet someone living and being in their power of who they are there is no judgement and instead a deep love equally for all. With that I understand true inspiration.
Superbly expressed David, true inspiration allows us to feel the power available to ourselves and there is no true power in ‘being good’. Thank you!
Great article – sometimes we seem to think we have to be good, do good, for ourselves and for others. If we only stay true then we wouldn’t have to put so much effort into the game of being good.
So true Matts. As with trying to being good is result driven as we are seeking to fill an emptiness to replace the love that we chose to separate from. Whereas when we stay true to ourselves we stay with the knowing that we, our love, already are enough and there is no need to try to be anything else.
I agree Matts the game of being good is absolutely exhausting, I have tried to play it most of my life and pretty much mastered it. The problem is it does not bring truth or love it just allows everyone to stay where they are, perhaps thinking they are doing better than they actually are.
Good comment James – that ‘don’t rock the boat mentality’ is a cowardly way of keeping the peace, but it just leaves everyone in the same boat, even if that boat is quietly sailing them down a miserable river, or worse still over a cliff!
Thank you Simon. What is interesting is how many people would rather sink on the ship rather than call out and say hang on we are sinking or above to go over the edge. There is a fear factor mentality that many people have about not wanting to be seen and stand out from the crowd. It only takes one, as has been the case with Serge Benhayon, to stand up and slowly many many more people are doing the same realising that if one person can do it so can everyone else.
Agreed James. It does nothing for anyone as it changes nothing but keeps us in the status quo, and since no one challenges where we are at we are all left believing that we are ok when in truth there are many areas of our lives that are loveless, which we do not care to see.
Totally Matts – no effort to being good = no exhaustion = no coffee = no sugar = less stimulation = more joy = way more productivel = less sickness = people like going to work!! We are win!
And knowing that there is a truth is wise to consider, a truth that has everyone in it not just a few – and since we belong to a one human race it makes sense that there also is a truth that applies to all.
” Life became about getting it ‘right’” This is rife in schools, I see it everyday – everything is about being right, “is this right”,” is this okay?” constantly seeking approval, confirmation or permission from everyone else instead of trusting ourselves. I even notice it when kids ask to go to the toilet, not in the words but the way in which they ask, it’s almost like they are going to get into trouble like it’s a bad thing they need to go during class.
It’s a big problem Gyl. I spoke up today at work. I did it last week too and my immediate boss had a word to me about it. It was ok what I wrote in my email it was true. It was just too much because the fact is they all know too but they have given in to what they have already tried and sit in the comfort of not trying anymore. In corporate there is a political game of power being played protecting the comfort of each other – “this is where I stand and I’m not moving, don’t push me”. It’s a cop out of “I’m successful” at my role. When push comes to shove that need comes alive and my boss will back me, cause I have ‘given my power away’.
Thank you MAS, having experienced very much a similar past I can relate to what you have experienced and why you turned away from yourself. It is quite an unfoldment to discover that most of my life has been one big lie and that I have created a safe but very protected shell around me to not feel all that I have created by simply walking away from myself. With the support of Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and all the practitioners showing how possible it is to reconnect back by not bashing yourself. Without this understanding I feel I would have spent most of my life bashing myself and instead I have the tools to work on reconnecting with joy and building on claiming what I feel in each situation, which is a working progress.
“Giving Your Power Away: Why Being ‘Good’ Doesn’t Work” Yeah! it’s such a joy to read these words. Why – a simple confirmation of the truth, giving your power away and being good doesn’t work.
Love that Gyl.
Totally Gyl I’m with you (in my power!).
“To give my power away to be loved” is a crazy thing we do because we are Love, then give up on being aware of it or taking responsibility about it by expressing love and then we are missing our love and start to search for it in the outside – which nether is able to fill up what we are missing from ourselves, so we nether get satisfied from here. Then we are giving up some more of us to buy us the love from others… But all of this does not work, just make it worse. So that is a tricky cycle and I am wondering if this is not all designed to conceal our lack of willingness to take responsibility. Responsibility about our love, to express it, the responsibility about truth to express, the responsibility to offer, bring and support harmony in ourselves and the community and our responsibility to experience and express the joy it is to be a serving kind of soul, expressing through a human body. If we would take our power back – who or what would we serve then (and who did we serve before by giving up on it)? To go for the good means to give my power away and serve the evil (evil= what keeps us away from our soul / by Unimedpedia on UnimedLiving.com). So it feels to me that it is time to cross out the ‘missing’, cross out the ‘searching in the outside’, cross out to give my power away and to cross out the second O and finally serve God again.
There is a part where MAS mentions staying vulnerable in situations at work, this is a golden moment because, as I am learning, vulnerability is actually key to letting people in and is in fact a great strength, which supports truth to be spoken in relationships.
A cracker of a blog Mas, and one I will reread as it contains so much. One of my old patterns is to bury things because they are too hard to deal with. This old belief has kept me very small, and now no longer stands true for me as I am fully equipped to deal with whatever is in front of me, I am enough. I am pure love. Love heals and love conquers.
I can relate to what you have written here MAS. We are praised for being ‘good’ and told off for being difficult so we learn early on in life that it easier to comply and agree with what is happening around us but in doing so we stop feeling what is really true. I have done this most of my life knowing that if I stayed quiet and was good, no one would bother me but in my compliance and willingness to please, I gave up on caring what was true or not. I can now see how comfortable I had made my life so that this side of me never really got exposed. Slowly this is changing, the more I claim what I am really feeling, the more I am able to speak up and be more honest instead of being the ‘good girl’ that does not want to make waves or disturb the peace. Your last sentence says it all, it comes down to a choice, a choice to stand for truth no matter what comes our way.
Thank you for writing about how you made different choices to re-claim your power MAS. ‘Instead of holding my love for myself and knowing I was enough, I chose to seek approval and tenderness from other people.’ I can realate to this and many of your choices to be ‘good.’ it feels like a choice that many people make in life as a form of protection. I have loved reading about how you gradually chose less and less of this protection. There is a real strength and steadiness in the ways that you did this and a huge acceptance for yourself too and an acceptance of how people would respond or react. This is very inspiring.
MAS I can so relate to what you share. I opted to be “good” too and totally understand the feelings of anger, sadness and frustration as a result. It has taken a long time to sift through these as along with myself I buried these too! “Being good meant that I had to continuously not feel what I actually did feel”. Being good is definitely a role we take on so as not to suffer the reactions of others but the pay off is to lose connection with what we know is true – as you say, no pay off really. Learning to come back and to re-claim my power is a gradual unfolding from a lifetime of contraction. When I am shown that this is possible and what the effects of this are for all, the inspiration encourages me to keep going and not give up on working on myself – slowly as I am able to express my true feelings more, the more I can hold steady and not wobble in other’s reactions.
This is an amazing blog MAS. I could feel this triggered something in me for sure. I have been nice and good a lot of my life, it is changing and your blog is really supportive to read. It is really inspiring me to stay even more true to myself and express what I really feel without holding back. Thank you.
Yes Lieke, I felt MAS’s power. It’s inspiring then to feel this in me and just simply honor and choose it.
Being good is an oxymoron for what happens to our body at the cost of trying to please others. Giving ones power away should never be choice but it is for so many but claiming it back is always just a choice away.