Expression – ‘How Miss Have-a-Chat Found True Expression’

I can chat to you about stuff, most things really, I am a ‘Miss Have-a-Chat’, a hairdresser by trade so I am conditioned to be able to chit chat to anyone however it comes naturally to me. I genuinely am a people person, I like to talk to you… but I have an expression problem.

People who know me would say “Are you crazy, you don’t have a problem with expression,” but I wonder if any of these people know all that much about ME. I can listen to you, comment, give advice, and agree with you. But have you ever heard me say “This is how I feel about it”? Let me answer that for you – “No, no you haven’t.” You see, people either know me from the good ole days as the drinker, or the quiet one hiding in the back… neither is the person I am.

When I was a drinker there were two sides to me; I was quite happy and confident to tell you to “back the hell away from me” or that you were “behaving like a dick”. Hell, my manager pulled a knife on me one night because I pressed a ‘don’t go there button’, I was ballsy on the booze and I didn’t give a s#**. I would take you on, wrestle you to the ground like a man and wouldn’t give in until you did. ‘It’s not my problem, you can’t handle the truth!’

I was quite imposing and confronting. The other side of me was just a fun-loving have-a-good-time girl that lots of people liked to be around, and funnily I got praised for taking some of these former people on. The knife thing kind of shook me up so I decided to be less of a button presser. The above days are well and truly over for me and have been for over 14 years.

I grew up in a family with a lot of ‘expression’. If someone was unhappy with something they would swear. If they were unhappy with you they would swear at you. If they were happy with you they would still swear at you, except they would laugh as they said it, so you would know it was being said affectionately.

Swearing was the only way I knew how my family felt. No conversations were ever had about how you truly felt about something, that I can remember anyway, it was either good or f#****. Today, I still struggle with expression, expressing what I know, what I can feel and how I feel about something. It is a stumbling block for me, it holds me back and at times can be quite crippling.

My expression now is a million miles away from that drinker and could be said to be quite the opposite, however it seems I am haunted by past hurts and the reactions from others. I have been told that I can be cold, hard and unloving in my expression; at times I guess I could agree, but not always. Nevertheless these comments affect me as that is not how I want to be, nor is it who I am. When I get told this I become unsure as to how I should say something and whether I should say it at all. So usually I don’t.

My resistance to express what I feel could come from not wanting to be labelled a sook, or told that I am overreacting or that I am trying to start a fight – that’s always a good one as it gets me every time. And I wouldn’t want to upset you because you may ignore me for months at a time or dress me down till I am ‘a nothing’.

I am frightened at times to say what I think, because what will you think of me and what will be your response? A close relative once sent another relative to my house to beat me up because I pointed out that they were being a little ungrateful towards a parent. Yes he, it was a male, busted the door open and king-hit me on my lounge room floor.

Shattered, frightened, and overwhelmed with the false securities I had given myself when I was a drinker, I think I got flooded with these hidden fears the day I copped that punch. I felt gutted that the people closest to me did nothing and said nothing. So of course I made decisions to shut down . . . don’t express too much, don’t upset people. Don’t let people know how you are truly feeling, protect yourself, harden, be as hard and as tough as you can.

When I do speak up, my voice audibly trembles and a red rash creeps from my chest up to my throat, which is quite noticeable and I am usually doing my best to hold back the tears. My brain becomes fuzzy and I can’t think clearly, I can only get out the very basics. Parent teacher interviews at school are a trauma for me – I have not been to one that I haven’t cried in!

So is there reason to fear expression? In the past yes, but this can’t be used as my excuse. I put myself into my family and those situations, I accepted the use of abuse to subdue and control feelings and I have chosen in the past to use it myself in my family.

I have made choices to step out of this cycle, choosing to feel and express those feelings; to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love. I have encouraged myself to take up space, to be the amazingly wonderful, kind and loving person that I am, that others know me to be and that I have always been.

I have made and am still making choices to step out from the back of the room, allow myself to be seen, allow myself to speak, allow myself to be heard. I shakily put my hand up to answer questions or share opinions, my voice still quavers and I sometimes get reactions to what I may have to say, however I am getting better with staying with myself. I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me. I am learning that I am quite sensitive to people’s words and how they choose to use them, or not use them. Sometimes I catch myself falling into the old patterns and sometimes, I just don’t!

I am a work in progress, and inspired every day by an amazing man, Serge Benhayon that I met about eight years ago, who keeps saying… “Expression is everything”.

By LJ, Australia

Further Reading:
Energetic Integrity and Energetic Responsibility
Truth – Expressing in Full

678 thoughts on “Expression – ‘How Miss Have-a-Chat Found True Expression’

  1. As an outspoken person, I can say that I have learned that even though I could also say quite a lot, it may not capture the full picture that I wanted to communicate. I might speed over something, trying to get it out as quickly as possible, almost frightened that the person would lose interest. I’m slowly learning to let myself fully speak, knowing that what I have to say and share is worthy, as am I.

  2. Wonderful, brilliant – excellent expression, incredible to feel your power and see that this ‘acces to talk easily, does not mean true expression’ First lie catched! And how beautiful that you allow yourself to express again and dare yourself to do so, that is an amazing gift. To no longer be at the mercy of violence and attack – but to be you and be with everything you feel, even if it makes you shaky at times. Incredible effort put in this – keep up the good work!

  3. Awesome turnaround LJ, I can feel how hardened you became to survive in your family and then in the world where abuse appeared to be the norm, so it seemed natural to harden yourself as a protection. But as you discovered this never works although we do kid ourselves that it does.

  4. A very beautiful and honest sharing LJ, and what amazing changes you’ve made – this is very inspiring. I love how willing you are to see your part and how that has given you a greater understanding in your dealings with others and my favourite, not to personalise things, this is something I’m learning more of each day and the more I can just see and let people be, the more freely I can express. Thank you for a gorgeous blog.

  5. Great blog Miss have-a chat. Developing our expression is practicing to express what we feel rather than what we think.

  6. “I am a work in progress…” – what an awesome thing to admit to and remind yourself. And it’s great to look back at where you’ve been and who you were and to appreciate where you are today. We are often pretty rough on ourselves, but what you share here is real, raw and pretty darned cool.

    1. Very true Nick. Appreciation is a powerful and essential element to unfolding to a greater depth and magnificence of who we truly are, and the ‘more’ we can greatly live.

    2. So true – it’s way to easy to be critical or tough on ourselves, it’s a much better approach to remember that we are always learning and always a work in progress – and a magnificent one at that.

  7. I love this LJ and it is such an important story to share. “I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me”, this, I find, is the biggest expression killer – to give more power to how someone will respond than to ensuring we are aware of why we are in that space, hearing or seeing what we are hearing or seeing and getting a sense of if it is for us to speak up. I remember a saying – “If not me then who? if not now then when?” I use that often. Ultimately though, it is how I have lived up to that point that guides me to speak or not and my body has been my greatest marker, after all – my ‘picture’ of what I think will happen – may not happen at all.

  8. Tailoring and restricting our expression, saying and doing what we feel, is seriously exhausting and causes so much distress and chaos within ourselves and with each other. Thank God for Serge Benhayon who shows how simple and joyful life and relationships can be when we express how we feel and that it is even possible! Because in that fear we get sold that notion (And it uses past experiences to confirm and threaten that it will happen again, that we cannot make different choices that lead to different results) that we open ourselves up to an attack that is greater than the expression when from experience expressing how I feel has in the long run always been healing and growing of my life rather than staying small and protected.

  9. I love how you have written ‘I am frightened at times to say what I think, because what will you think of me and what will be your response?’ We so often get caught by not expressing truth because we have become more worried about another’s reaction. The more consistent we become with our own everyday living making choices from love, the easier it becomes to express truth, from love, and the reactions from others become less, but the words are still heard.

  10. As we learn not to take things personally, we react far less as we observe what is being said rather than absorbing it, it gives us space to allow another to say what they want, but not come back with a quick witted or immediate response. We can choose to listen without responding at all.

  11. We are all work in progress LJ and we are all equally guided by both our own and others imperfections and unloving patterns with the opportunity to learn in every single moment of the day.

  12. Thank you for your honest sharing LJ. The way we express has a huge impact on us and the people around us, but its not only what we say that communicates, its all our movements. I find the more accepting I am of me, faults and all, the easier it is to express my truth without feeling the need to calibrate.

  13. It is deeply empowering to know that at any point we can choose to step out of any self created cycle and express and move in a way that will seed forth the life we know is possible to live.

  14. Through true expression we are offered evolution, not only for ourselves but also for whoever our expression is shared with. And so I am learning more and more that when we invest in concerning ourselves with how other will respond, we are choosing to hold back or measure our expression, the impulse from our Soul, our truth and love, as such we are delaying evolution all-round. The more we develop our connection with our truth within, through the movements of our daily living, when we come to express it then is nothing more than simply another movement effortlessly made through our connection to our truth and love within.

  15. ‘Leave me alone’ as a wish is something that can be expressed in various ways. Some are plain evident but others are not. The art of do it through words that appear to be very friendly and give a cosy feeling of being close to another one is one of the non-obvious ways. What this way reveals, is how much we control conversations in order to avoid going where we have zero interest it may go. It is like the art of trying to fill space with words that please and appease another one and, in exchange, the other one just plays ball with us. The ‘naturality’ with which we do it is not real since it hides a profound anxiousness. And this, in turn, is governed by both a belief (no one is interested in truth) and a hurt (no one is really interested in me).

  16. Learning to express with love what I feel, rather than saying what I think is a work in progress for me. When I express what I think it often comes across as harsh or judgemental but when I express with love it is non imposing on another, unless they choose to be upset by truth.

  17. Our expression is such a massive subject to investigate, I can really relate to how you say you spent years shut down and not expressing and the big leap you had to take to begin expressing again. Expressing is such a vital part of life, and I suspect it will always be a work in progress. For example I realised a few weeks ago how lazy I am in my expression, missing out words and not fully describing something when I give instructions so that the other person is left unsure. Realising how much my expression impacts others has been a big inspiration to me to keep developing and working on it.

  18. Today I was at a presentation. I normally like to hang out at the back and hide, but the presenter asked us to change seats, so I took myself to the front for a change. Its amazing how we can hold onto these patterns for years, but very liberating when we take steps to change what is clearly not working.

  19. Just talking and truly expressing are very different and I too have been challenged by starting to express what I truly feel as I have spent so many years putting on a good face and trying to hide what I feel even from myself. For me cutting through the habit of being ‘nice’ has been a work in progress to acknowledge and not hide behind niceness so that people don’t reject me.

  20. ‘ I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me.’ This is key as when we express what is there to be said then we are just the vessel that is bringing forth what is needed.

  21. This is a great example of how 2-Dimensional we see expression to be. Sure, someone can be a great talker and we deem them strong in expression – but what are they expressing and why are they expressing in that way? Often the most talkative people are the most insecure or incapable of expressing in the vulnerability of who they are. Expression is so deep and multi-layered where by each movement, thought, breath is an opportunity to express who we are or who we are not.

  22. Thank you LJ for such a beautifully honest sharing, allowing ourselves to be fully transparent and express with others can feel like a difficult mountain to climb at times, the steps you have taken to turn this around is very supportive and inspiring for others who also hold back their expression for each one of us has an unique expression that is very much needed to make up the whole.

  23. Phew LJ… Your openness and honesty in expression blows me away.
    And you’ve nailed something deeply significant here for us all – we may not all be under ‘physical threat’ when we express what we feel (and/or know) to be truth, yet need there be the potential of physical threat to intimidate us? The reactions from others – in whatever form, such as verbal abuse/cutting down, dismissal, ridicule – can come in many forms and carry deliberately harmful intent. It is important that we see the ‘play’ of all of this, and how things can come towards us configured in a way that will trigger our yet unhealed hurts and perhaps age-old fears of standing in the truth that we know, regardless of consequence…
    To acknowledge how much of ALL of this that we feel is deeply empowering, that we may take the steps needed in reclaiming a true and full expression of all that we are in life – definitely a “work in progress” for pretty near all of us.

  24. If I may add, we must also, as you’ve also responsibly done yourself LJ, look at how our own expression has harmed/may carry the intent to harm or curb another.
    A key in this I’ve found, is to hold an awareness of the tone and quality of our own voice – if we are honest, we cannot but feel when what we are saying carries some ‘charge’ with it. And then if we are really honest… we will admit that we are in some kind of reaction and thus it is the reaction that needs to be addressed, before we can speak clearly on the matter at hand, in truth.

  25. There are so many ways our expression is shut down. We shut ourselves down, shut others down, let ourselves get shut down and so forth. Yes with the king hit it is obvious but the equally if not more violent attacks are the energetic hits and force that you can’t see but come at you and of course all the little undermining words etc.

    1. The more we express love and truth the more forceful the attacks come. They are always configured in a way to get at each of us personally so how it looks for me might be different to you but the result is the same. The force is saying be less, don’t be all that you are, don’t speak the truth because it exposes me and exposes the hurts I don’t want to look at. We have seen this throughout history with the burning, stoning, crucifixion and genocide of those that lived another way.

  26. This paragraph inspires me so much: “I have made choices to step out of this cycle, choosing to feel and express those feelings; to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love. I have encouraged myself to take up space, to be the amazingly wonderful, kind and loving person that I am, that others know me to be and that I have always been.” What if all it takes to change our lives is an honest, open choice to step out of the cycle we’ve gotten ourselves into and take a tentative step forward? We don’t ever have to accept anything in our life as permanent, it’s always possible to make a change.

  27. ” I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me.” This is key for me as I learn to express more and risk upsetting people who are used to be being quieter and going along with the status quo. I was pleasantly surprised recently when I voiced something and got supportive responses from others. it is my own fear of ‘what if…’ that has stopped me speaking up. Time to make different choices.

    1. ‘What if’…. nothing that anyone says to us is ever personal, but instead something going on for them. Perhaps if we truly understood that no attack or reaction is ever personal then we could step back and actually support the other person.

  28. I wonder if we took all our words in a day how much would be true expression and how much would be general chat, what if every word could truly mean something and have the potential to have a profound effect on someone else’s life. There’s an expression that “words are cheap” but what if our words could be worth gold.

  29. I so agree – it is very possibly to hide ourselves in a chatty, friendly persona. It is very easy to go along with others in whatever they are saying without discernment. I have been observing this a lot at work as we have become more chummy over the few months and I am constantly being reminded of the importance of staying connected with myself – as a listener as well as a speaker, and the fact that I didn’t feel to use the word ‘intimacy’ just now instead of chummy kind of reveals where we are. I am never not expressing. I used to think I had a problem expressing myself, but I am beginning to think it is truer to say that it is my connection first and foremost.

  30. ‘I have made choices to step out of this cycle, choosing to feel and express those feelings; to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love. I have encouraged myself to take up space, to be the amazingly wonderful, kind and loving person that I am, that others know me to be and that I have always been.’ These choices to step out of a cycle of holding back our expression, for what ever our reasons may be, are to appreciate time after time, as it is claiming our power back and freeing ourselves from what has been imposed upon us. Thank you LJ Very inspiring to read and feel the honesty in which you’ve expressed yourself.

  31. “I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me.” This is a big one for me but it gets smaller by the day if I stay committed to expressing truth with love.

  32. Well done LJ for stepping out of the cycle you were brought up in. I am learning that we always do have a choice and even though it may feel hard, my experience is once we make the decision its never as hard as we imagined it would be.

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