I can chat to you about stuff, most things really, I am a ‘Miss Have-a-Chat’, a hairdresser by trade so I am conditioned to be able to chit chat to anyone however it comes naturally to me. I genuinely am a people person, I like to talk to you… but I have an expression problem.
People who know me would say “Are you crazy, you don’t have a problem with expression,” but I wonder if any of these people know all that much about ME. I can listen to you, comment, give advice, and agree with you. But have you ever heard me say “This is how I feel about it”? Let me answer that for you – “No, no you haven’t.” You see, people either know me from the good ole days as the drinker, or the quiet one hiding in the back… neither is the person I am.
When I was a drinker there were two sides to me; I was quite happy and confident to tell you to “back the hell away from me” or that you were “behaving like a dick”. Hell, my manager pulled a knife on me one night because I pressed a ‘don’t go there button’, I was ballsy on the booze and I didn’t give a s#**. I would take you on, wrestle you to the ground like a man and wouldn’t give in until you did. ‘It’s not my problem, you can’t handle the truth!’
I was quite imposing and confronting. The other side of me was just a fun-loving have-a-good-time girl that lots of people liked to be around, and funnily I got praised for taking some of these former people on. The knife thing kind of shook me up so I decided to be less of a button presser. The above days are well and truly over for me and have been for over 14 years.
I grew up in a family with a lot of ‘expression’. If someone was unhappy with something they would swear. If they were unhappy with you they would swear at you. If they were happy with you they would still swear at you, except they would laugh as they said it, so you would know it was being said affectionately.
Swearing was the only way I knew how my family felt. No conversations were ever had about how you truly felt about something, that I can remember anyway, it was either good or f#****. Today, I still struggle with expression, expressing what I know, what I can feel and how I feel about something. It is a stumbling block for me, it holds me back and at times can be quite crippling.
My expression now is a million miles away from that drinker and could be said to be quite the opposite, however it seems I am haunted by past hurts and the reactions from others. I have been told that I can be cold, hard and unloving in my expression; at times I guess I could agree, but not always. Nevertheless these comments affect me as that is not how I want to be, nor is it who I am. When I get told this I become unsure as to how I should say something and whether I should say it at all. So usually I don’t.
My resistance to express what I feel could come from not wanting to be labelled a sook, or told that I am overreacting or that I am trying to start a fight – that’s always a good one as it gets me every time. And I wouldn’t want to upset you because you may ignore me for months at a time or dress me down till I am ‘a nothing’.
I am frightened at times to say what I think, because what will you think of me and what will be your response? A close relative once sent another relative to my house to beat me up because I pointed out that they were being a little ungrateful towards a parent. Yes he, it was a male, busted the door open and king-hit me on my lounge room floor.
Shattered, frightened, and overwhelmed with the false securities I had given myself when I was a drinker, I think I got flooded with these hidden fears the day I copped that punch. I felt gutted that the people closest to me did nothing and said nothing. So of course I made decisions to shut down . . . don’t express too much, don’t upset people. Don’t let people know how you are truly feeling, protect yourself, harden, be as hard and as tough as you can.
When I do speak up, my voice audibly trembles and a red rash creeps from my chest up to my throat, which is quite noticeable and I am usually doing my best to hold back the tears. My brain becomes fuzzy and I can’t think clearly, I can only get out the very basics. Parent teacher interviews at school are a trauma for me – I have not been to one that I haven’t cried in!
So is there reason to fear expression? In the past yes, but this can’t be used as my excuse. I put myself into my family and those situations, I accepted the use of abuse to subdue and control feelings and I have chosen in the past to use it myself in my family.
I have made choices to step out of this cycle, choosing to feel and express those feelings; to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love. I have encouraged myself to take up space, to be the amazingly wonderful, kind and loving person that I am, that others know me to be and that I have always been.
I have made and am still making choices to step out from the back of the room, allow myself to be seen, allow myself to speak, allow myself to be heard. I shakily put my hand up to answer questions or share opinions, my voice still quavers and I sometimes get reactions to what I may have to say, however I am getting better with staying with myself. I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me. I am learning that I am quite sensitive to people’s words and how they choose to use them, or not use them. Sometimes I catch myself falling into the old patterns and sometimes, I just don’t!
I am a work in progress, and inspired every day by an amazing man, Serge Benhayon that I met about eight years ago, who keeps saying… “Expression is everything”.
By LJ, Australia
Further Reading:
Energetic Integrity and Energetic Responsibility
Truth – Expressing in Full
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
I can recall my expression was that of aggression and swearing was a cool thing as most people did it, except it wasn’t so often within my family.
As my expression continued, it became more laced with hurts etc, so it would often be blurted out or fuelled with something or another, intentionally to hurt them, as they had upset me.
Since Serge Benhayon, it has gone to another level that is different, it comes from love and absoluteness. It is far from perfect but I know, it has moved on from the depths of despair, to this, it just shows that anything is possible.
There are no fancy words, I like the simplicity of it all, and sometimes it requires only a word or even no expression, and that is all it takes for another to receive the message. I love expression, it is in everything, including in silence.
I love the new choices you are making LJ, ‘ to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love.’ Beautiful.
Most people express from protection and seldom do they express from the truth. So our expression are never ours anyway until we claim it as ours…
I was at a workshop a few weeks ago and I decided to sit front row and bang in the middle. There was music and we were singing and I was engaged and giving it my all at times. I was hardly considering the room full of other people, I was simply focused on the music, the musicians and that I was going to make the most of being at the workshop. So there was a purpose and motivation there.
On day two, I decided to change seats and moved myself right to second row from the back. What a difference. Now I could see all the other people in the room- how they were dancing or singing to the music, how they were behaving and the comparison came in, and so did the shrinking and contraction. It felt so different. I am just reflecting now that it was the relationship that I had with the musicians that supported me to express on the first day.
Sometimes, if I decide to speak in a big group of people or at a meeting, it will become all about me and I’ll either bottle it or say something that was not quite what I wanted to say. Perhaps remembering that I am communicating with a person, and have a relationship with that person, and everyone else in the room, will support expression.
When we vent it is a reaction, when we respond with love it feels completely different.
Too many times have I shut down my expression because of a fear of how another might react. This is still denying my own expression and not allowing myself to be an equal with the other person.
Knowing we are all equal helps support us to express, ‘I have made and am still making choices to step out from the back of the room, allow myself to be seen, allow myself to speak, allow myself to be heard. ‘
Learning to express how we truly feel is such a blessing and a gift – and it is special to allow oneself to express in such a way knowing that this may not be accepted nor liked nor appreciated by those hearing it. The challenge lies therein – sharing how you feel no matter how the other might react.
Getting ourselves out of the way, and not taking things personally really helps us to express, ‘I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me. I am learning that I am quite sensitive to people’s words and how they choose to use them, or not use them.’
Thank you for your sharing LJ, and I too can relate to the part of finally allowing true expression out and how challenging it can feel in the beginning. I have for many years gotten teary eyes as I share something that I feel from within, and have found this rather embarrassing! But the more I have just followed this expression, the less strongly the teary eyes happen and it is clearing faster and faster the more I learn to let out that which I truly need to express.
True expression – a million miles away from everyday chit chat. As long as we use chit chat to focus on the superficial we miss the opportunity to communicate more deeply, evolving self and another.
Curious to observe the number of fronts we assume to fit in with what ever is expected of us in life, and all the while we live a lie. Not until we strip away the false outer layers can we reveal our true essence. We are love, truth, harmony and joy and when aligned to, we don’t hold back, we express freely and with flow.
I find now if I even think a swear word there is a hardness and dullness in my body, words are energy and they have an effect.
Thanks for your honesty LJ, expression is a great topic as we are always engaging in it to some degree – even shutting ourselves down and saying nothing is an expression because everything we do is communicating something. What I am learning at the moment is the expression of my inner qualities through my movements, no words needed, just playing with how I express me through the way I move.
Connecting to our body and allowing our expression to flow can be a revealing experience when we listen to all we have said.
It’s brilliant that you distinguish between talking and expressing, we can be amazing at talking, we can talk all day but every word can be void of what we really need to be express. When we express it comes with a much greater depth and understanding of the world.
Yes Meg great distinction, chatting and expressing, are most definitely not of the same quality.
Meg I love how you have highlighted here the difference between talking and actually expressing. One is a distraction whilst the other has purpose.
Talking may well be the greatest tool we use to avoid expressing.
When our true expression is hindered in any way, it is an abuse.
Spot on Fumiyo and so it is that we often are the ones that hold back our own expression which is a form of self abuse!
Learning what true expression is can be life changing, the more we express without holding back we get to not only deepen the relationship with ourselves but will everyone else too.
Swearing and cussing are an offensive use of our language. But on the flipside, you also swear when you take a vow or an oath etc. It’s really quite interesting how and when our words are reinterpreted, misinterpreted or have double meanings.
I love talking with people as well, but sometimes I don’t want to engage in surface chit chat. I’ve labelled that as being antisocial but what if thats not true? I find surface chat doesn’t really go anywhere nor develops a deeper relationship with another.
Swearing is becoming more and more common in our society. It now takes pride of place in board rooms and office floors. It takes away our opportunity to work together effortlessly and instead keeps us trapped in a jungle of throw away lines that really don’t mean anything.
It’s true Heather, we don’t really express how we feel, such as frustrated, angry, hurt, etc, when we swear, we miss the opportunity of nominating precisely how we feel and the awareness and possible healing we can initiate around the situation.
We express a great deal even when no words come from our mouth.
Words can be used as a tool of deception. Deceiving is always about bringing another one to a point we want to concentrate. It is a movement that hides while appearing as if not were the case.
Learning about expression and the power of expression is a wonderful thing. It has changed my life completely from being someone who was scared to say ‘boo to a goose’ – (if that’s what you want to do) – to someone who regularly presents to groups of people, sings publicly etc. Of all the things people do to change how they feel in life, self-expression is one of the most powerful. In my view then, we must treat our expression with respect and honour the responsibility we all have to express with and from love.
Expression is definitely a work in progress for me, I find that I express differently to different people and so I’m working on being absolute in every moment and in every situation and not watering down who I am or changing myself in anyway.
Just imagine if people knew that you simply have to stay in your body, that means to simply stay connected with all of you, and then your expression would just flow. And in this flow everyone, including yourself, benefits from the wisdom that comes from the expression of this connection.
No matter what we do, say or express there will always be people who react or don’t like it as well as people who do. Might as well not hold back as that hurts more than what might come at us and who know we might even be surprised at what does come in a good way!
Such a great blog revealing that how much or how little we talk has really nothing to do with true expression. In my experience I have often seen people ‘fill the space’ with noise (talk) without any real consideration for the quality they are contributing to the world in doing so. Coming back to our true expression naturally takes care of how we feel to express in every situation…the outplay happens easily and without having to think about it.
We are all sensitive beings, I agree, it is important to not take things personally, ‘I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me’.
Through our willingness to let go of hurts we have the opportunity to express truly what is felt in our bodies regardless of the reactions from others as it is the only way forth and an offering of true evolution for all.
I love how powerful words can be, and how sometimes it can be just a few words to deliver a truth that can totally change your life.
Learning to express in full with love is a work in progress for me, I love your turn around LJ, ‘I have made choices to step out of this cycle, choosing to feel and express those feelings; to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love.’ Wonderful.
Well done LJ for stepping out of the cycle you were brought up in. I am learning that we always do have a choice and even though it may feel hard, my experience is once we make the decision its never as hard as we imagined it would be.
“I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me.” This is a big one for me but it gets smaller by the day if I stay committed to expressing truth with love.
‘I have made choices to step out of this cycle, choosing to feel and express those feelings; to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love. I have encouraged myself to take up space, to be the amazingly wonderful, kind and loving person that I am, that others know me to be and that I have always been.’ These choices to step out of a cycle of holding back our expression, for what ever our reasons may be, are to appreciate time after time, as it is claiming our power back and freeing ourselves from what has been imposed upon us. Thank you LJ Very inspiring to read and feel the honesty in which you’ve expressed yourself.
I so agree – it is very possibly to hide ourselves in a chatty, friendly persona. It is very easy to go along with others in whatever they are saying without discernment. I have been observing this a lot at work as we have become more chummy over the few months and I am constantly being reminded of the importance of staying connected with myself – as a listener as well as a speaker, and the fact that I didn’t feel to use the word ‘intimacy’ just now instead of chummy kind of reveals where we are. I am never not expressing. I used to think I had a problem expressing myself, but I am beginning to think it is truer to say that it is my connection first and foremost.
I wonder if we took all our words in a day how much would be true expression and how much would be general chat, what if every word could truly mean something and have the potential to have a profound effect on someone else’s life. There’s an expression that “words are cheap” but what if our words could be worth gold.
” I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me.” This is key for me as I learn to express more and risk upsetting people who are used to be being quieter and going along with the status quo. I was pleasantly surprised recently when I voiced something and got supportive responses from others. it is my own fear of ‘what if…’ that has stopped me speaking up. Time to make different choices.
‘What if’…. nothing that anyone says to us is ever personal, but instead something going on for them. Perhaps if we truly understood that no attack or reaction is ever personal then we could step back and actually support the other person.
This paragraph inspires me so much: “I have made choices to step out of this cycle, choosing to feel and express those feelings; to set aside the protection, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen as fragile and delicate and to break down the control, the hardness and ALLOW in love. I have encouraged myself to take up space, to be the amazingly wonderful, kind and loving person that I am, that others know me to be and that I have always been.” What if all it takes to change our lives is an honest, open choice to step out of the cycle we’ve gotten ourselves into and take a tentative step forward? We don’t ever have to accept anything in our life as permanent, it’s always possible to make a change.
There are so many ways our expression is shut down. We shut ourselves down, shut others down, let ourselves get shut down and so forth. Yes with the king hit it is obvious but the equally if not more violent attacks are the energetic hits and force that you can’t see but come at you and of course all the little undermining words etc.
The more we express love and truth the more forceful the attacks come. They are always configured in a way to get at each of us personally so how it looks for me might be different to you but the result is the same. The force is saying be less, don’t be all that you are, don’t speak the truth because it exposes me and exposes the hurts I don’t want to look at. We have seen this throughout history with the burning, stoning, crucifixion and genocide of those that lived another way.
If I may add, we must also, as you’ve also responsibly done yourself LJ, look at how our own expression has harmed/may carry the intent to harm or curb another.
A key in this I’ve found, is to hold an awareness of the tone and quality of our own voice – if we are honest, we cannot but feel when what we are saying carries some ‘charge’ with it. And then if we are really honest… we will admit that we are in some kind of reaction and thus it is the reaction that needs to be addressed, before we can speak clearly on the matter at hand, in truth.
Phew LJ… Your openness and honesty in expression blows me away.
And you’ve nailed something deeply significant here for us all – we may not all be under ‘physical threat’ when we express what we feel (and/or know) to be truth, yet need there be the potential of physical threat to intimidate us? The reactions from others – in whatever form, such as verbal abuse/cutting down, dismissal, ridicule – can come in many forms and carry deliberately harmful intent. It is important that we see the ‘play’ of all of this, and how things can come towards us configured in a way that will trigger our yet unhealed hurts and perhaps age-old fears of standing in the truth that we know, regardless of consequence…
To acknowledge how much of ALL of this that we feel is deeply empowering, that we may take the steps needed in reclaiming a true and full expression of all that we are in life – definitely a “work in progress” for pretty near all of us.
Thank you LJ for such a beautifully honest sharing, allowing ourselves to be fully transparent and express with others can feel like a difficult mountain to climb at times, the steps you have taken to turn this around is very supportive and inspiring for others who also hold back their expression for each one of us has an unique expression that is very much needed to make up the whole.
This is a great example of how 2-Dimensional we see expression to be. Sure, someone can be a great talker and we deem them strong in expression – but what are they expressing and why are they expressing in that way? Often the most talkative people are the most insecure or incapable of expressing in the vulnerability of who they are. Expression is so deep and multi-layered where by each movement, thought, breath is an opportunity to express who we are or who we are not.
‘ I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me.’ This is key as when we express what is there to be said then we are just the vessel that is bringing forth what is needed.
Just talking and truly expressing are very different and I too have been challenged by starting to express what I truly feel as I have spent so many years putting on a good face and trying to hide what I feel even from myself. For me cutting through the habit of being ‘nice’ has been a work in progress to acknowledge and not hide behind niceness so that people don’t reject me.
Today I was at a presentation. I normally like to hang out at the back and hide, but the presenter asked us to change seats, so I took myself to the front for a change. Its amazing how we can hold onto these patterns for years, but very liberating when we take steps to change what is clearly not working.
Absolutely, it feels amazing to break out of a behaviour that has capped who we are for many many years, and it can be as easy as changing chairs.
Our expression is such a massive subject to investigate, I can really relate to how you say you spent years shut down and not expressing and the big leap you had to take to begin expressing again. Expressing is such a vital part of life, and I suspect it will always be a work in progress. For example I realised a few weeks ago how lazy I am in my expression, missing out words and not fully describing something when I give instructions so that the other person is left unsure. Realising how much my expression impacts others has been a big inspiration to me to keep developing and working on it.
‘Leave me alone’ as a wish is something that can be expressed in various ways. Some are plain evident but others are not. The art of do it through words that appear to be very friendly and give a cosy feeling of being close to another one is one of the non-obvious ways. What this way reveals, is how much we control conversations in order to avoid going where we have zero interest it may go. It is like the art of trying to fill space with words that please and appease another one and, in exchange, the other one just plays ball with us. The ‘naturality’ with which we do it is not real since it hides a profound anxiousness. And this, in turn, is governed by both a belief (no one is interested in truth) and a hurt (no one is really interested in me).
Through true expression we are offered evolution, not only for ourselves but also for whoever our expression is shared with. And so I am learning more and more that when we invest in concerning ourselves with how other will respond, we are choosing to hold back or measure our expression, the impulse from our Soul, our truth and love, as such we are delaying evolution all-round. The more we develop our connection with our truth within, through the movements of our daily living, when we come to express it then is nothing more than simply another movement effortlessly made through our connection to our truth and love within.
It is deeply empowering to know that at any point we can choose to step out of any self created cycle and express and move in a way that will seed forth the life we know is possible to live.
Thank you for your honest sharing LJ. The way we express has a huge impact on us and the people around us, but its not only what we say that communicates, its all our movements. I find the more accepting I am of me, faults and all, the easier it is to express my truth without feeling the need to calibrate.
We are all work in progress LJ and we are all equally guided by both our own and others imperfections and unloving patterns with the opportunity to learn in every single moment of the day.
As we learn not to take things personally, we react far less as we observe what is being said rather than absorbing it, it gives us space to allow another to say what they want, but not come back with a quick witted or immediate response. We can choose to listen without responding at all.
I love how you have written ‘I am frightened at times to say what I think, because what will you think of me and what will be your response?’ We so often get caught by not expressing truth because we have become more worried about another’s reaction. The more consistent we become with our own everyday living making choices from love, the easier it becomes to express truth, from love, and the reactions from others become less, but the words are still heard.
Tailoring and restricting our expression, saying and doing what we feel, is seriously exhausting and causes so much distress and chaos within ourselves and with each other. Thank God for Serge Benhayon who shows how simple and joyful life and relationships can be when we express how we feel and that it is even possible! Because in that fear we get sold that notion (And it uses past experiences to confirm and threaten that it will happen again, that we cannot make different choices that lead to different results) that we open ourselves up to an attack that is greater than the expression when from experience expressing how I feel has in the long run always been healing and growing of my life rather than staying small and protected.
I love this LJ and it is such an important story to share. “I am slowly learning not to personalise what others say in response or reaction to me”, this, I find, is the biggest expression killer – to give more power to how someone will respond than to ensuring we are aware of why we are in that space, hearing or seeing what we are hearing or seeing and getting a sense of if it is for us to speak up. I remember a saying – “If not me then who? if not now then when?” I use that often. Ultimately though, it is how I have lived up to that point that guides me to speak or not and my body has been my greatest marker, after all – my ‘picture’ of what I think will happen – may not happen at all.