A Race With No Finish Line

I have always been a very driven person. Some would see it as bubbly, excited or motivated, but recently I have been supported to see that actually it is an unnatural drive, it is something I do that isn’t actually a part of who I am as a person. For example, when I close doors, cupboards or drawers, I would often be halfway through closing it and already be turning to do the next thing, or leave it to close on its own as I walk away. Or I would leave one task half-finished to start another and swap between, rather than completing one before moving on to the next.

I realised that this drive and motion was playing out everywhere:

  • The way I walked (or rather ran) to catch a bus or the train
  • The over excited way I talked and gestured with my hands
  • The way I would be the first up from the table at dinner and clearing away the plates even before other people had finished eating
  • The way I would be so easily scared by someone walking up behind me
  • The way I would be thinking about everything except focusing on what I was doing there and then.

Once I became aware of these behaviours, I started experimenting with feeling when I go into drive and motion, and when I get stimulated and leave myself behind. I am now working on catching when this drive creeps into my day and instead of staying in it, stopping to bring myself back to focus on me and what I am doing right now.

For example, bringing a focus on my breathing, the way I open and close a door, the way I am sitting or walking. These things may seem simple, but they allow space to be with ‘me’ in what I am doing in that moment, whether it be catching the bus or eating my dinner.

What I then found is that as I did this, an underlying anxiousness started to rise up to the surface, showing itself in dreams about making mistakes at work or waking up in a panic thinking I have overslept my alarm when I know I hadn’t. I realised that it has been this anxiousness that is the force behind the drive I have in life, an anxiousness based on not feeling enough or being good enough, and so having to drive to prove myself and to get recognition.

As I work on addressing the drive, the anxiousness is becoming more apparent because the coping mechanism is no longer being allowed to play out. I can now see that I need to begin to appreciate that what I do and what I bring is enough, for then and only then will the anxiousness and the need to prove myself resolve.

I then asked myself the question – why am I choosing to live this way?

What is it that the anxiousness and drive stops me from getting to feel about myself?

I discovered when I am caught up in the drive, there is no space for me to stop and actually feel what is going on with me, or with other people. Being in this raciness stops me reading what is going on in situations and being able to bring my all to it. When I am moving at a million miles an hour, at least on the inside, it is much harder to be present in the moment and deal with what is there to be done, even if it is as simple as preparing and eating dinner.

What I am beginning to find is that by introducing more space, I am more able to feel what is needed in each moment – i.e. what is needed to be said, done and how – such as, is it time to get up from the dinner table, has the conversation finished and the meal drawn to a close? Is the decision I am about to make true for myself and other people and what is really needed, or am I just doing what seems to be ‘right’?

The change this has made in my life so far has been amazing and it is having a knock on effect on so many other things. I am now more open and honest about how I am feeling because I am more present in my day to notice.

I am connecting more with people because I am not so caught up in my inner race and so have more space to actually stop and meet them in the moment.

And I find I am not getting so caught up in things because I am making more space to step back and look at the situation before responding. I am by no means perfect in this, there is a whole lot more space to be made in my life, but I am beginning to see every day as an opportunity to learn.

A huge thank you to Serge Benhayon and my Universal Medicine practitioners, who have always presented that I am everything before I do anything – a valuable lesson in a world where your worth is defined by what you do, and not who you are.

By Rebecca Briant, 19, PA and Student of Politics, London, UK

Further Reading:
Anxious Much?
To Rush or Not to Rush: That Is The Question
Connection to Self Through Conscious Presence

744 thoughts on “A Race With No Finish Line

  1. When I finally realised that there is no finish line, it was a relief to stop the rushing. I can still slip back into that mode because I have used it for decades, but its a real joy to feel how time seems to open up when I drop the drive and allow myself to be present with each moment.

  2. When the cutlery drawer at home has been shut to hard the separate racks of knifes and flakes etc. move to the back of the drawer creating space between the drawer and the cutlery contains so I have a marker of how hard I am shutting the drawer. When I close the drawer and it does not create any space then in that case I feel it is creating a different space in the rest of my day. It is amazing because as a gauge I can tell what I need to do next to evolve and I am always aware of what happens to this drawer. More and more as I shut this drawer I have to stay focused until it is completely shut before I move to my next task to soon it creates space so I have to stay present when in the kitchen and this flows into the rest of my day.

  3. I know the anxiety of living in drive well. For most of my life I was not even aware that I was in anxiety (or drive). For a period of my life I moved from tropical beach to tropical beach and had nothing to do. Yet on the inside I was in drive and the accompanying anxiety. It is not related to anything external that needs to be done, it is purely a choice in how we live.

    1. This is a great point that you make Nikki. Drive isn’t related to how much we have to do. As you say, it can even be there when there appears there is nothing to do. This also highlights that deep down we can feel ourselves delaying our evolution and we can use drive, stimulation and distraction to not feel this choice.

      1. Good point Vicky. Recently something came to my awareness that I had been avoiding for a long time. I chose to eat to not feel the extent of it although no amount of eating could quell the tension. Then when that became too uncomfortable I found myself choosing drive and anxiety. I had such an insight into how I use anxiety and drive to avoid feeling and what is on offer for my evolution.

  4. Reading this blog again it feels important to me to introduce a momentary stop to mark the completion of one task before I move onto another task. This will give me time to check in to ensure that my body and mind are in the same space.

    1. I notice when I do esoteric yoga and bring focus to whether I am with my body or not how often my mind wanders off and I have to bring it back. During the day when I’m doing tasks I am far less aware of when this happens as I get caught up in what I am doing rather that how I am doing it and whether I am with myself as I’m doing it. Introducing a pause between tasks gives a much needed check in point to see where we are at rather than just racing from doing one thing to the next and then feeling exhausted at the end of the day.

  5. Drive is sometimes a dominating force for me too – if I let it be. I find it is so much easier to be in drive than stillness, even though the drive is without doubt bad for my health. To be still in my body and work from that foundation requires dedication and commitment, but the difference in how I feel, and how my day flows is like night and day. I would like to reverse the drive and the stillness so that one day my body is so used to stillness, this is the norm, rather than the other way around.

    1. Yes totally Heather, that would feel absolutely incredible. With commitment and by loving ourselves we are able to shift well ingrained patterns.

  6. There is a part of us, the human spirit, that seeks to live in constant drive so as to forever be in the perpetuation motion of ‘the rush’ so it/we can skip bits and therefore seemingly not be made accountable for our reckless behaviours that are void of the love that we are. Arresting such an ill momentum requires us to be very honest with ourselves and take responsibility for the way we have moved, if how we have moved has not been true to this love.

  7. “When I am moving at a million miles an hour, at least on the inside, it is much harder to be present in the moment and deal with what is there to be done,” I can sooooo relate to this. I have so often in life been in a lot of drive, both physically and also on the inside. But I have also begun to feel what it feels like to give myself space. To open up to read more and see what is really going on, not only for myself, but for others also.

  8. This is a great blog because it is asking us all to stop and reflect what is going on in our lives.
    and I too have found that when I’m racy there is not a chance of me reading what is going on around me, and how I use food to keep me in that racy momentum and so I miss out on the magic of God before me.

  9. I find I can go a long way before even acknowledging that there is anything amiss. I have been slowly realising how important it is that as soon as I notice all is not okay in the quality I am experiencing, that I stop and give myself the space to clock what I have felt. This opens the possibility to reflect on my choices that have brought me to the moment and fine-tuning the quality in which I choose to take the next step. Without the stop moment at best I will keep ‘trying’ to change a viscious cycle from within the spin- an impossible task.

    1. Same here Golnaz, that stop is so vital. Sometimes it can be a physical stop or even allowing myself to slow down as I get caught behind a mother and pram taking up the pavement and not able to overtake.

  10. Today the world seems busier than ever before. Despite our technological ‘innovations’ the maddening drive seems to have gone out of control, to the extent we need to drink all sorts of stimulants just to ‘keep up’. But what if the speed is not a race ‘to’, but a movement away instead? This is the question I feel you present Rebecca. What if we are so aware, and increasingly so, of feelings and sensation we don’t like? What if we have gone for the flight rather than the fight? This starts to make a whole heap of sense of the increasing speed that we see. Wow, if this is the case, just what is the awareness we have, and what power lives in the senses we possess, if we just stop deserting our post and trying to run away from it all.

  11. What I have found for myself is that motion of busy-ness itself is a filler. It distracts me away from what is there do be felt and truly dealt with. It numbs me while I think to myself that I am committed to life because I am doing so much. It’s rather deceitful.

  12. Reading this again I can feel how ingrained the race is in me and how by making myself racy I am blocking out feeling the layers of anxiousness that I carry because I’m frightened of making a mistake and believe that I am not enough. I love what you share Rebecca with the very practical tools you have used to clock when you are going into drive and how you have used these to unravel what lies behind a perceived need to race against time.

  13. I often blame other people for needing to rush or creating deadlines in my head of when I need to get something done by which ensures I stay in a drive to get things done rather than staying with my body and feeling what is true for me and those around me.

  14. Great sharing Rebecca! when we look at a lot of these behaviours that you listed its clear that these patterns are a restriction on our body and how we experience life. And there is so much to apprecciate about introducing more stillness and expansion into our movements.

  15. Anxiousness sets us up to be on the back foot – and not accept what we can in fact bring to everything.

  16. To use nervous energy to constantly get over deadlines requires the body to be in constant state of nervous tension which ultimately is not its natural state of harmony.

  17. For years when I had dinner with people that were very loving I was not comfortable with the amount of love I was being held in so would get up from the table quite soon after eating and wash dishes while every-one else stayed sitting and chatting. After I realized what I was doing I stopped this behavior, I remained at the table, let in the love and the washing was done when the dinner was complete for us all.

    1. This sounds familiar to me Mary-Louise, and I can see how I have done similar things in the past and still do occasionally. It is that moment when we are in anothers comapany and we feel so much love that it feels too uncomfortable to stay with it, so the easiest route of escape is to walk away and find something else to do. Its a total distraction and avoidance of feeling how much we are loved and how much love we equally are. Crazy really, as this is what we all want most in the world.

  18. For A very long time and in many levels of my life I was dissatisfied with where ever I was. This dissatisfaction permeated all aspects of my life. It was also fed by a restlessness and a disconnection from myself. Learning how to reconnect to myself to the task at hand, has brought a lot more simplicity and appreciation into my life.

  19. For a long time I was never quite satisfied with how things were in any part of my life. There was a restlessness and a disconnection that I could not shake. Learning to reconnect to myself and allow myself to be fully present to any given task has gone a long way to eliminating the restlessness and also brought greater appreciation to my life in general.

  20. Recently in an Esoteric Yoga session I felt how by moving with my body there were no aches or pains, moving to outside instruction hurt my body. Throughout my working life it’s been commented that my work is ‘slow’ and so I would try to do as much as possible to show that I was not slow. But choosing this way of working to an outside beat has hurt me a lot, whereas yesterday I felt how working within myself, moving how I felt to I was faster than I’ve ever been at that particular task, I felt like a wind was pushing me from behind and it felt very light. So different compared to the compounded affect I can feel when rushing to meet an outside finish line.

  21. I have rushed and been anxious for a long time. Coming to a place of deeper connection simply by focusing on the quality of my breath is the perfect antidote. It’s quite something to feel my body shift into greater steadiness in a few moments by simply choosing to.

  22. This race sounds very familiar and it is interesting that when we stop to realise that the only one running the race is the individual it can be a real big wake up call. To push and drive the body this way leads us away from the true knowing of how we can live with commitment, dedication to work and life where each moment matters and all that is needed at every moment is provided.

  23. “I discovered when I am caught up in the drive, there is no space for me to stop and actually feel what is going on with me, or with other people.” This is so true and why getting caught up in time feels so uncomfortable in the body, because we are out of rhythm with everything and everyone and I know I reduce everything to its bare minimum so that I can squash everything in. I am no longer aware of everything around me just the thing that needs to be done at the expense of everything else. I have learnt that this is not an enjoyable way to live either for myself or for anyone else around me.

  24. “A Race With No Finish Line” is a very appropriate title to how I can sometimes feel in life. There is this feeling I am behind, not enough, and therefore I am feeling heaps of tension. For me this often results in stepping on the breaks and doing nothing at all anymore which creates even more tension as you can imagine! When I do stop though and observe my thoughts and all I have to do, I can not really find what it actually is I am feeling I need to do and am behind with. So indeed a race without a finish line or one where the finish line is being moved further away each time I approach it. The true settlement is found in stopping and feeling that I am enough just by being me in what I do, whatever it is.

  25. I often think of this blog Rebecca when I have finished dinner as I can feel there is a real push in me to get up really quickly and move on to the next thing. Usually this is an indicator I need to stop, connect and appreciate the moment. Life is to precious to miss!

    1. Taking regular moments to appreciate ourselves and where we are before we move onto the next thing is super supportive. It set us up to be in appreciation for the next moment.

  26. mmm… completion is something I need to work on – be it in a conversation, moving on to another school, not seeing kids again. Completing every moment so there is nothing left behind.

  27. Having been one who has lived life at the pace of an Olympic runner, sometimes without even lifting a finger, I can totally relate to all that you share Rebecca. If I were completely honest with myself then I would say that the reason I go into raciness is to avoid deeply connecting to people, myself included. By living one step ahead I have a convenient excuse to not read in full the depth of what is offered to me in each moment to arise out of the loveless momentums I have ensnared myself in. And so in raciness I can just charge on with eyes closed and hope for the best that I do not bump into anything or anyone on my furious way away from the love that I am. Clever trick on my behalf to avoid true intimacy, transparency and thus evolution…

  28. I’m stunned by how much power blogs by students of Universal Medicine bring. This was just what I needed to read today, and along with my willingness and openness to heal reading the blog and comments has brought about a profound change in how I was feeling – from anxious and racy to feeling more settled.

  29. Thank you Rebecca for writing this down; ‘Or I would leave one task half-finished to start another and swap between, rather than completing one before moving on to the next.’ Last weeks I am becoming aware of how I need to focus on completing my tasks and not go from one to another. I thought it was caused by how many tasks I have but by reading your blog I feel the drive behind it and how this and my anxiousness that follows is where the root cause is lying,

  30. Observing my voice when I speak has been a great exploration at the moment and shows me where I am going into rush and or anxiety. It beg me to go deeper as to why I do this? Is it because I feel not worthy to take the time to share every word in full or a judgement comes in when speaking with someone? Observation of our bodies and enjoying the moments to explore why we have these patterns is a great tool to deepen our own relationship with self and the flow on affect it has in other relationships is super important too.

  31. I live life thinking there is a finish line – something to try, reach, gain or attain, it’s a picture or pictures in my head that I allow to control me – think I have to be, I’m not sure exactly what they are, but I am nearly always thinking I have to get somewhere – never or very rarely do I allow or let myself to feel I am enough. I have this constant I am not good enough or trying all the time. Which is very sad really.

    1. I can certainly relate to what you are sharing Gyl. Rebecca’s blog reminds me that getting swept up in time, finish lines and deadlines is a choice. I have learned that I need to bring understanding to myself when I catch myself racing against the clock. When I do this it is easy to see that I rush in order to avoid feeling what I feel, connecting to who I am and living my true potential. I begin appreciate the fact that I am a very sensitive being and I always have a choice, connect to rhythm or connect to time.

  32. Rebecca, this is absolutely gorgeous what you have shared here and I too can relate so much to the whole process you have shared – the inner anxiety that I have been unwilling to acknowledge and deal with, and the drive and raciness that kick in as an excited personality. In reality it is about allowing ourselves the space to be in each situation, to give ourselves a moment to read it and to know how to respond each and every time. And though each situation might appear the same from the outside, when we read it, it may be needed that we respond completely differently each time in order to truly handle what is outplaying. There is no script written for how to ‘get it right’ as things happen all the time that changes so much, hence we can only let ourselves feel each situation for what it is and work with it from there, in connection to ourselves and not from the excited-ness and anxiety. Thank you for this great and timely reminder!

  33. ‘These things may seem simple, but they allow space to be with ‘me’ in what I am doing in that moment, whether it be catching the bus or eating my dinner.’ It is attending to the ‘simple’ things that brings the beautiful detail needed for true evolution.

  34. Sometimes when we are in anxiousness it can feel like there is no way out but the truth is we have a choice to be in anxiousness or in stillness. When challenging situations arise and we choose to stay connected instead of being anxious this offers healing, clarity and love.

  35. Understand that I can be busy and not racy was a big aha moment for me. It is a noticeable difference in the the tension and hardness in my body. And this is a great indication if it returns that I am in the drive or the push. If I work like this I feel exhausted the next morning.

  36. Thank you Rebecca for sharing how true power comes through our willingness to be honest with the quality we are feeling our bodies and being. It’s so beautiful to feel how when we do honor the truth we feel we are able to reclaim living this truth in our lives as we begin to live more of who we are throughout the day we live. What could be more fulfilling that being in connection to who we are, which is everything already, and moving with our exquisite presence in all we do, as best we can. And as you say when we do not, and if we are open to it, we are simply offered the opportunity to learn of how we can deepen our connection and let go of what does not belong or support us to move in the power of who we are.

  37. It is almost tempting to not explore drive, as it is so rewarded in society. Yet it feels horrible in the body and does a huge amount of damage over time. It is really only through being so distracted and caught up in drive that you can temporarily avoid feeling this. It is amazing to read about how such an apparently ingrained pattern was able to be reduced by more attention and inner focus.

    1. It is so true Fiona, we are rewarded handsomely for drive. Yet I am starting to discover there is another way to be equally efficient with space and energy that does not deplete or harm. Day by day we have an opportunity to live this experiment and deepen the understandings coming from our own bodies.

  38. It is so common to say we have had a ‘good day’ or felt worthwhile within ourselves after achieving something or many things in the day. How much do we base our self-worth on outcomes we have achieved or not achieved?

  39. It is becoming ever more clear to me the damaging effects of drive and stress in the body – all at the expense of being who we naturally truly are. It doesn’t make sense to allow ourselves to run in it, yet it is so deeply ingrained that we are there before we know it… or are we.. there is that space between the decision to choose drive and in that space is the choice of something different.

  40. I have found that when I am in the ‘busy’ mode thinking about the next thing before completing what is before me, then that same incompletion happens, both physically and energetically, and it keeps us under the tyranny of time, never having enough of it to complete all the things that are piling up in my head. It is a paradigm shift to bring that full quality of presence to exactly what we are doing in the moment, but the returns are beyond measure… as we now have space to support us to bring even more of who we are to that moment.

  41. For the first time in my life it took me a week to paint my small living room. Usually I would have done it in a day but this time I took one small section at a time and what I found was that there was no going into anxiousness about finishing, or had I done it good enough, was it perfect. The result of working like this meant that I actually got to experience myself in my movements, the room looks awesome and even though it is far from a perfect job, that’s ok.

  42. “We are everything before we do anything”. That is so true and we all need to hear this and apply it in our lives because it will give us space to feel the level of anxiety we live with on a daily basis that can go unnoticed, unchecked, and therefore lead to a life lived with anxiety of not being enough, and therefore constantly searching for what is already inside us.

  43. Anxiousness is a very prevalent and insidious emotion that has a huge impact on the body in my experience, not just in the short term discomfort but as an underlying contributing factor for many chronic ill health conditions. Putting our bodies into this sort of motion, without any quality of gentleness or stillness, is completely unnatural and disharmonious.

  44. It’s amazing how often I move on before finishing something, it is like keeping myself perpetually busy.

  45. A beautiful lesson for us all here Rebecca, that being there is no finish line, just a gentle loving unfolding and expanding into who we so naturally are. A lesson also in appreciating the joy of being a forever student.

  46. Once we start to address any aspect of the manifestations of drive and anxiousness, our world changes… the way we sleep changes, the way we talk, eat, in fact all aspects of our lives have the opportunity to change and transform.

  47. I can do the changing between tasks or activities, and it’s mostly so that I don’t focus on one thing and be present with it. Even when I’m on the computer replying to an email then a thought will pop in to go look at another site I supposedly need to. This just leaves me at the whim of choosing any distraction. It is a day by day, moment by moment choose to stay present and focused with what I’m doing. The change on the body is huge, it’s allowed to just be and not be overwhelmed by the chopping and changing.

  48. “I am everything before I do anything – a valuable lesson in a world where your worth is defined by what you do, and not who you are.” Appreciating and living this truth is a game changer.

  49. Thank you Rebecca for such a powerful blog, having lived with drive most of my life it’s been an interesting process to begin to let go of this pattern and surrender to the flow of life instead of trying to be in control all the time – making simple, loving choices and learning to appreciate myself have been a beautiful support with this.

  50. Rebecca, thank you for these very practical examples;’ ‘bringing a focus on my breathing, the way I open and close a door, the way I am sitting or walking. These things may seem simple, but they allow space to be with ‘me’’, These are great to read, I can feel how I can get caught up in the busyness and can get racy trying to complete everything – this never works and so I love how you have bought the focus back to how you are moving and staying present with these movements.

  51. It felt like a stop and regathering moment reading this blog. I know I can get caught up in the drive but by allowing space into my life by being present with myself – I am able to breath with so much more ease. Life returns to being simple and situations are not stressed out at as much or at all. A good reminder of the value of presence. Thank you.

  52. Rebecca I hear you! I read a great article the other day about ‘flipping’ and how to overcome it in relation to writing a thesis – which is pretty much what you describe in your opening paragraph. I’m such a great flipper that I even flipped out of the article several times! But you’re spot on. For me, drive and motion has been just another way to avoid my true and sensitive nature; my fragility and vulnerability. If I’m working at a fast pace (and poorly, I might add), then I don’t have to feel. That’s the bottom line.

  53. Seeking approval by driving myself to achieve and do in life, can be a huge trap that only ends up in ceaseless motion and never really confirms who I am and what I truly offer in life.

    1. So true Brendan, we can try and fool ourselves for many lives, but the body holds all markers of our movements.

  54. Its so great that you are able to address the root cause of the raciness and get on with sorting it out with honesty, so many of us go through life with low level anxiety without even looking at it until it has caused another type of illness in the body.

  55. Function, busyness, anxiousness and raciness are great ploys of the spirit to stop one from deepening in there love and living all they are.

    1. Anything which stops us from deepening and surrendering to the love that we are is ultimately a ploy to keep us from bringing and loving all that we are. I know for me I have used being in a rush as a great way to get caught up in things, like leaving something to the last minute, or making it so I need to drive fast to get somewhere on time, it is crazy all the silly little games I find myself playing all to avoid feeling my amazingness!

  56. I feel being honest is an important key here, as it is only then that we can feel the way we are living is not it, and it is our willingness to develop and nurture our true quality that allows space to be created where things get done for the good of all and not just another way to manage life.

  57. I lived in conscious anxiousness for most of my life and reading this article tonight I can feel how one of the greatest ‘benifits’ of doing so was that it kept me separate from others and this brought a pretend feel of safety, as I believed I couldn’t get hurt. Now living my life with much less anxiousness and in more connection with others, I now feel a true safety, and that has only coming from my decision to connect first with myself, the beauty, purpose, strength, wisdom, joy and love I feel within. This I never felt when I allowed anxiousness to run my life.

  58. It is all the simple basic practical everyday things in life where I find it can be so easy to go into auto pilot yet the moment I bring my focus to them it is like my whole body lights up and then I am supported in everything else. I now see these more mundane tasks as crucial aspects of my foundation and then the rest naturally takes care of itself.

  59. Being in drive is an intensity that gives us identification with what we do while separating us from who we are and feel and sometimes if not always is actually intended without us necessarily being honest about it. We avoid feeling, being. The moment we stop, connect and feel we are back to what is actually going on, back to being with ourselves.

  60. Making life about space and the beauty that then encapsulates us when we move in this way and not against time we feel a completely different quality in our lives and connecting with people has a greater substance and feel. Enjoying the space and our bodies moving in this quality really does give us a greater awareness of our lives and how we interact within it.

  61. A great reminder that we need to stop our momentum in order to create the needed space to eternally observe life.

  62. The more we commit to develop our relationship with our own quality, the easier it is to become aware of that which does not belong to that level of stillness and gentleness within and with no judgement we can simply bring ourselves back to what is our natural way of being.

  63. Awesome to read your blog again Rebecca. I recently went into anxiousness and it felt exactly as you’ve described. I feel the space close in on me and I couldn’t feel the spaciousness anymore. Instead of reading the situation I reacted and created anxiousness. The lesson for me here is to give myself space before I race into thinking I have not time or space to read the situation. Giving myself space is a loving thing to do and to seeing the truth of any given situation.

  64. So interesting to recognise that when we are are in a constant hurry we are absolutely not with ourselves, and not in space but in time instead, fighting the clock so to say. How different this actually is to how we naturally are, when connected and in full surrendering to the cycles we are in, we cannot else than be in connection with everybody and everything and from there just be and perhaps do that what is needed and will serve us all.

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