I have always been a very driven person. Some would see it as bubbly, excited or motivated, but recently I have been supported to see that actually it is an unnatural drive, it is something I do that isn’t actually a part of who I am as a person. For example, when I close doors, cupboards or drawers, I would often be halfway through closing it and already be turning to do the next thing, or leave it to close on its own as I walk away. Or I would leave one task half-finished to start another and swap between, rather than completing one before moving on to the next.
I realised that this drive and motion was playing out everywhere:
- The way I walked (or rather ran) to catch a bus or the train
- The over excited way I talked and gestured with my hands
- The way I would be the first up from the table at dinner and clearing away the plates even before other people had finished eating
- The way I would be so easily scared by someone walking up behind me
- The way I would be thinking about everything except focusing on what I was doing there and then.
Once I became aware of these behaviours, I started experimenting with feeling when I go into drive and motion, and when I get stimulated and leave myself behind. I am now working on catching when this drive creeps into my day and instead of staying in it, stopping to bring myself back to focus on me and what I am doing right now.
For example, bringing a focus on my breathing, the way I open and close a door, the way I am sitting or walking. These things may seem simple, but they allow space to be with ‘me’ in what I am doing in that moment, whether it be catching the bus or eating my dinner.
What I then found is that as I did this, an underlying anxiousness started to rise up to the surface, showing itself in dreams about making mistakes at work or waking up in a panic thinking I have overslept my alarm when I know I hadn’t. I realised that it has been this anxiousness that is the force behind the drive I have in life, an anxiousness based on not feeling enough or being good enough, and so having to drive to prove myself and to get recognition.
As I work on addressing the drive, the anxiousness is becoming more apparent because the coping mechanism is no longer being allowed to play out. I can now see that I need to begin to appreciate that what I do and what I bring is enough, for then and only then will the anxiousness and the need to prove myself resolve.
I then asked myself the question – why am I choosing to live this way?
What is it that the anxiousness and drive stops me from getting to feel about myself?
I discovered when I am caught up in the drive, there is no space for me to stop and actually feel what is going on with me, or with other people. Being in this raciness stops me reading what is going on in situations and being able to bring my all to it. When I am moving at a million miles an hour, at least on the inside, it is much harder to be present in the moment and deal with what is there to be done, even if it is as simple as preparing and eating dinner.
What I am beginning to find is that by introducing more space, I am more able to feel what is needed in each moment – i.e. what is needed to be said, done and how – such as, is it time to get up from the dinner table, has the conversation finished and the meal drawn to a close? Is the decision I am about to make true for myself and other people and what is really needed, or am I just doing what seems to be ‘right’?
The change this has made in my life so far has been amazing and it is having a knock on effect on so many other things. I am now more open and honest about how I am feeling because I am more present in my day to notice.
I am connecting more with people because I am not so caught up in my inner race and so have more space to actually stop and meet them in the moment.
And I find I am not getting so caught up in things because I am making more space to step back and look at the situation before responding. I am by no means perfect in this, there is a whole lot more space to be made in my life, but I am beginning to see every day as an opportunity to learn.
A huge thank you to Serge Benhayon and my Universal Medicine practitioners, who have always presented that I am everything before I do anything – a valuable lesson in a world where your worth is defined by what you do, and not who you are.
By Rebecca Briant, 19, PA and Student of Politics, London, UK