Developing Intimacy with Myself & Making Love

Have you ever stopped to consider if there is a difference between having sex and making love? That the way you live, the quality you choose to live in and from, govern whether you have sex or make love?

These are questions I never pondered on, never considering that there may be a difference between making love and having sex.

Making love is more than what happens between the sheets: it’s a way of living, a touch, a gaze, and a gesture in every movement in me, and in another.

It is feeling the tenderness and gentleness in a touch, a gaze that holds me lovingly, a warmth that can keep me warm and safe in the coldest of nights; feelings that were rarely felt, but when they were, they were cherished.

When I began my own journey back to a life of true vitality with the support of western and complementary medicine, and through Universal Medicine’s practitioners and presentations, I started to feel for myself an intimacy I already held within – but had never before felt or explored.

I realised during these healings that I had to begin to be tender and gentle with myself, drop the guard and let people in, if I was to truly feel intimate with myself, let alone anyone else.

I could feel the protection I had built up over the years to avoid getting hurt no longer allowed me to feel the depth of tenderness in myself, nor in another. Busy keeping everyone at a distance, I became more aware that I was missing the intimacy and connection I so desperately longed for from another, within myself.

To feel the tenderness in another’s touch was only possible when I began to connect to and feel my own body: how I was with myself, how I moved, spoke and lived moment to moment, feeling the tenderness in my own body, and then in and from another’s body.

Developing intimacy with myself took time. It did not happen overnight, nor have I completely mastered the art, nor is it being done in a sexual way. Instead, it’s about building a quality I choose to live, making choices to nourish and nurture myself, to feel what my body needs to eat, to wear, the time I need to go to bed and how and when I need to exercise.

Making changes and different choices in my life was very revealing, and at times still is. But when I make choices that are truly caring, loving and supportive of my body, I can feel my tenderness and delicateness again. I begin to feel like me, then I know that the choices I am making are true, and it is the only way to live.

The true depth, beauty and love of myself has been truly inspiring, and with it has come a sense of freedom: a realisation that the protection I had built up to shield myself from the hurts was actually creating hurts: the hurt I felt of not being able to truly connect to another.

What I had craved so desperately from others were all things I never gave to myself: not nurturing, cherishing, honouring, loving and adoring myself, but instead seeking, expecting and craving from another the love I denied for myself.

How could I truly love, make love to another, if I was not able to love and make love with myself first? Being intimate, living a quality, warmth and tenderness in another’s touch, a touch that I could so easily give to myself but instead chose to deny.

Making love is not just what happens between the sheets, nor is it a quality that only occurs in one moment. Instead, it’s a quality that is lived in each and every moment of every day. A quality and intimacy that supports me to feel, love and honour my body, always.

I now hold and love myself as the beautiful woman I am, and now with that quality I am able to know and can feel that there really is a difference between making love and having sex.

Making love allows me to be me. I do not have to hold anything back, there is no fear of judgment, not performing or pleasing another or myself, I am already complete from the day I have lived. Making love with another is simply an extension of that: a sharing of the love that I have already lived with myself.

By Nicole Serafin, Woman, Self-employed Hairdresser, Wife and Mother, Tintenbar, NSW

Further Reading:
Is  Making Love More Than Just Sex
‘To Make Love or Have Sex?’ – One Man’s Experience
Sex, Drugs… and Making Love

580 thoughts on “Developing Intimacy with Myself & Making Love

  1. The greatest thing we can do for ourselves is to heal our hurts and drop the protection, for in keeping others out we only ever hurt ourselves, and the deep hurt is that we are not able to truly connect to others as this is what we all want. We are not meant to be alone and separated.

  2. This is so inspiring Nicole, I have just completed Sacred Esoteric Healing level 1 and have surrendered so much in my body in a way I have never before I can really feel that the quality you describe of tenderness and love is in me and something I can nurture and share with others.

  3. Wow Nicole, how beautiful to read. I love the last line “Making love with another is simply an extension of that: a sharing of the love that I have already lived with myself.”

    1. Yes this is often what is ignored in most equations as the need for another to make one feel great takes its toll over time when we are asking to find others to show us the what true love making is.

  4. It is an expansion of the love we built in ourselves.A sharing of that quality which makes it expand.
    This can then be act out in physical form but not needed. If we go in a need we can know that we are in separation of ourselves because the love we are looking for is found within ourselves.

  5. ‘The protection I had built up to shield myself from the hurts was actually creating hurts: the hurt I felt of not being able to truly connect to another.’ This is gold Nicole and a great reminder how powerful it is when we let go of our protection we begin to feel a grander love and connection for ourselves and others.

    1. Well said and very true. Being ourselves allows for openness with others and the potential to expand the love of us all.

  6. I have realised that I am intimate with myself and others in some situations an not in others. When I am not, it is because I have a protection to keep out that kind of closeness…because I have labelled intimacy as a closeness that is only held for special occasions and yet, in truth, I am intimate when I am sharing all of my beingness with another, no matter the occasion. This is not the kind of intimacy that has been touted as being it, it certainly has nothing to do with physical touch or sex. It is a meeting of souls and as such it is true love and joy.

  7. For a very long time I have done exactly the same, seeking, longing and craving the love of others. However, it has never been true love I craved, because when true love knocks on my door I reject it, I reject the loving touch of a man by contracting away from it, I reject the loving words of a wise woman because I don’t feel worthy of them, so all these years I have been convincing myself that the love of others is what I need have been years living a lie, because the love I was craving was the love I was not giving myself.

  8. That totally takes an way the pressure of perform – to be a good ”..” what ever role that might be. It totally opens up the floor to be you and not be anything else. To simply love and love oneself and another. There is no game or fight or flight in this ‘love’, as it is real and there present. When we allow to be love and let it all in – we will instantly bring it out – to people. This is more of where love making is about – and indeed it is not about you and another under the sheets. Even though this of course can be part of it. Powerful piece of writing Nicole, thank you.

  9. Could it be true-love-making is so all empowering it connects us to all our previous incarnations so we feel the truth of allow are? So what if we all started to make love our sheets would light up and there would be a different type of smoke pouring from our bed than what used to be portrayed in movies?

  10. Making love is an expansive and forever deepening Livingness that does not only limit us in the bedroom under the sheets or with the act of sexual intercourse. When we truly make love, it is our every moment with ourselves, our partner and with life. The fulfilment of this is love being confirmed within ourselves, and therefore the sexual act is a part of, but definitely not exclusive of the broadness of what making love involves.

  11. I know the protection of which you speak and the guard which seems to keep people out even when we want so desperately to connect. And this is where the science of love is important. I have found that before I have become protective or unsettled around others I have already gone into a form of protection with myself.

  12. Loving ourselves to the bone is well worth it – and in honouring, revering and nurturing ourselves, we inspire others the grace to follow suit and allow for others to honour us equally.

  13. Before I heard presentations on making love versus sex with Universal Medicine, the only difference I saw was if you loved the person or not. And what loving someone meant back then was a completely different story too! I would have absorbed this idea from the many sources that influence us, so I am sure it is common. It is quite beautiful to hear that lovemaking is an ongoing part of a relationship, not what happens in bed. I absolutely agree that what we seek from others is what we don’t give to ourselves. I now use this feeling of seeking to know what I need to give myself.

  14. What does it feel like when I don’t feel like me? Often it is subtle so I brush over this and keep going and doing. This is one of the key indicators that I’m not actually being all of me, my mind and body together as one. Rather the mind is running the show and my body is expected to keep up. A moments pause works wonders when I’m willing to be aware that this is what is happening.

  15. In having sex everyone is in fact craving love, but it is about how much we are willing to drop the guard that determines the quality of the experience we receive- whether that is in the physical act or in everyday life, love and making love can be in every moment.

  16. Over the last few years my relationship with myself has reached depths I never initially thought were possible. Now I am starting to realise that the sharing of this love for myself with another is equally vital in order to deepen this relationship. For when I hide away my lovely, caring, beautiful nature from others I hide it from myself as well. And when I allow others to see and feel my love of myself I am in that love and then they show me the next deepening step which is beautiful.

  17. I remember the first time I felt tenderness in my own touch – I had been saying to a friend that i didn’t feel tender, I had been trying but couldn’t feel it. In that moment I connected to my fingertips and ran them along the top of my forearm. My touch felt so tender and delicate and I burst into tears. It was there all along , I’d just refused until that moment to accept and appreciate that it is a natural part of me.

  18. So true Nicole when craving love, intimacy from another we are missing the most delicious divine source of intimacy that is already with-in us. Being wiling and open to exploring all that is readily available is the most delightful and wondrous choice if I approach it with absolute tender loving care.

  19. If we expressed intimacy with ourselves and with others, and let people see all of who we are with no hiding anything than there would be far less separation between people, and far less beliefs about who we have to be as ‘men’ and as ‘women’

  20. “Making love is not just what happens between the sheets, nor is it a quality that only occurs in one moment” it is a continuous quality in our movements and the way we present ourselves to others with no holding back but a transperancy of the love of who we truly are.

    1. Beautifully shared Francisco. Everywhere we look we are confronted with images and ideals that link sex with success. True success is found in the living connection that we have with ourselves and share share with others.

  21. To chose love pervades every area of our life and others feel this also, amazing when this is developed in a physical relationship but not necessary as an end result. Relationships come from a commitment and foundation in quality, is that quality love or not love?

  22. Beautiful line ‘Busy keeping everyone at a distance, I became more aware that I was missing the intimacy and connection I so desperately longed for from another, within myself.’ We crave intimacy and love but are we willing to instead of looking for this outside of ourselves; first give this quality and level of attention and care to ourselves instead? As is it not like for like? If we cannot do this first for ourselves then how on earth can another truly do this for us?

  23. True intimacy is a quality that we cannot share only with one but with others…it is a pure quality that deepens all our relationships.

  24. Loving ourselves with gentle tenderness offers a deeper connection to a delicious intimacy with ourselves. It really does put a halt to seeking from others what in truth another cannot deliver. No one else can re-connect us back to ourselves, this is a choice we need to activate. And tender loving self care is the way.

  25. I really enjoyed reading how now love making to you is an extension of the quality you hold within yourself – so beautifully put and changes the whole concept of love making – that it is confirming and honoring and you can never go and seek love making to feel better because then it is just sex.

  26. I truly enjoying making love with myself, it is nothing sexual…for example, when I am tired and I put myself to bed, that is such love for oneself especially in cities that do not sleep. Putting myself to bed when my body tells me it is tired can be a love deeper than making love with another when we are tired…these are the things we have to truly feel and not just take it as face value that being intimate with another is always a deeper intimacy than being true to ourselves. Sometimes we may feel to override what we feel lest others have reactions, but when we truly respect and love ourselves, this love when expressed fully is always felt by another.

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