Developing Intimacy with Myself & Making Love

Have you ever stopped to consider if there is a difference between having sex and making love? That the way you live, the quality you choose to live in and from, govern whether you have sex or make love?

These are questions I never pondered on, never considering that there may be a difference between making love and having sex.

Making love is more than what happens between the sheets: it’s a way of living, a touch, a gaze, and a gesture in every movement in me, and in another.

It is feeling the tenderness and gentleness in a touch, a gaze that holds me lovingly, a warmth that can keep me warm and safe in the coldest of nights; feelings that were rarely felt, but when they were, they were cherished.

When I began my own journey back to a life of true vitality with the support of western and complementary medicine, and through Universal Medicine’s practitioners and presentations, I started to feel for myself an intimacy I already held within – but had never before felt or explored.

I realised during these healings that I had to begin to be tender and gentle with myself, drop the guard and let people in, if I was to truly feel intimate with myself, let alone anyone else.

I could feel the protection I had built up over the years to avoid getting hurt no longer allowed me to feel the depth of tenderness in myself, nor in another. Busy keeping everyone at a distance, I became more aware that I was missing the intimacy and connection I so desperately longed for from another, within myself.

To feel the tenderness in another’s touch was only possible when I began to connect to and feel my own body: how I was with myself, how I moved, spoke and lived moment to moment, feeling the tenderness in my own body, and then in and from another’s body.

Developing intimacy with myself took time. It did not happen overnight, nor have I completely mastered the art, nor is it being done in a sexual way. Instead, it’s about building a quality I choose to live, making choices to nourish and nurture myself, to feel what my body needs to eat, to wear, the time I need to go to bed and how and when I need to exercise.

Making changes and different choices in my life was very revealing, and at times still is. But when I make choices that are truly caring, loving and supportive of my body, I can feel my tenderness and delicateness again. I begin to feel like me, then I know that the choices I am making are true, and it is the only way to live.

The true depth, beauty and love of myself has been truly inspiring, and with it has come a sense of freedom: a realisation that the protection I had built up to shield myself from the hurts was actually creating hurts: the hurt I felt of not being able to truly connect to another.

What I had craved so desperately from others were all things I never gave to myself: not nurturing, cherishing, honouring, loving and adoring myself, but instead seeking, expecting and craving from another the love I denied for myself.

How could I truly love, make love to another, if I was not able to love and make love with myself first? Being intimate, living a quality, warmth and tenderness in another’s touch, a touch that I could so easily give to myself but instead chose to deny.

Making love is not just what happens between the sheets, nor is it a quality that only occurs in one moment. Instead, it’s a quality that is lived in each and every moment of every day. A quality and intimacy that supports me to feel, love and honour my body, always.

I now hold and love myself as the beautiful woman I am, and now with that quality I am able to know and can feel that there really is a difference between making love and having sex.

Making love allows me to be me. I do not have to hold anything back, there is no fear of judgment, not performing or pleasing another or myself, I am already complete from the day I have lived. Making love with another is simply an extension of that: a sharing of the love that I have already lived with myself.

By Nicole Serafin, Woman, Self-employed Hairdresser, Wife and Mother, Tintenbar, NSW

Further Reading:
Is  Making Love More Than Just Sex
‘To Make Love or Have Sex?’ – One Man’s Experience
Sex, Drugs… and Making Love

713 thoughts on “Developing Intimacy with Myself & Making Love

  1. I’m sure there is a difference, a difference that must be felt well before it is paraded about. In our social constructs we can see “making love” as a soft and tender experience, like from those romance movies from the 80’s. But perhaps that’s not making love either, is it possible that making love can be passionate with fireworks – yet, truly tender and honouring of the person? When we remove the need for relief, for somebody to hold us and all of the other baggage we bring into the bedroom, what opens up is way beyond what we can imagine.

  2. Intimacy for me means being open and responsive which includes being open to my own body and how it really feels and responding sensitively to that, rather than hardening and over-riding my body and how it feels and forcing or pushing through.

  3. What I got from this is how much we want from another whilst we do not give it to ourselves.. Which of course should be naturally our way of doing so, but because we have got so far away from our truth, needing this from another is accepted as normal. That is why we need to live our true normal again.

  4. The power is in our willingness to rise beyond and step out of the shadows.. Moving in the light we are and can feel on this very day inside ourselves. It is that simple. Our willingness is our choice.

  5. When we truly start to care for ourselves we understand how much love we hold and can honour ourselves with, as we make that our every choice we begin a relationship within ourselves connecting to love that we are first and from there we are able to share what true love is.

  6. Your love-life is how you live your life.
    The quality we live, the transparency, the openness and the level of intimacy determine whether it is love or loveless. The quality of physical lovemaking in bed depends on how loving you have been with yourself and others during the day.

  7. One of the quotes by Serge Benhayon: ‘Making love is being you and doing what you do’ (Esoteric Teachings & Revelations, p 419) has brought me a different and much broader understanding for what love making entails. How I can be simply myself in anything that I do and bring more love into the world with everything I do.
    This quote from Serge also started a beautiful conversation with one of my close friends who shared that she never looked at making love like the quote said before and that for her making love was more about physical intimacy in bed. We concluded that how we had been cooking together in the kitchen was also making love and how lovely that felt.

  8. Beautifully said Nicole. Making love to another is an expansion of the way I make love to myself. I also see that love I receive, and I feel in a session from a practitioner is something I am also able to give to myself. I am a practitioner of myself as well.

  9. The only way I have been learning to truly open up to people and yes concern the activity of making love, is to be open and loving with myself. Nothing else has worked, it makes sense love yourself the way you know you should be treated and this holds you and others.

  10. It’s so important what you’ve shared about not treating physical intimacy as a ‘peak’ of a relationship but loving each other to the absolute nth degree in every moment and making them all count.

  11. How you perceive and approach physical intimacy with a partner will make all the difference to whether it is sex or making love. I feel a lot of women use sex as a way to feel loved or at least momentarily valued, as an ‘up’ moment in a dull relationship, because they feel they should or a bartering tool to keep their partner happy. I would say that very little intimacy just comes as a natural extension of how lovely you have been with each other in the day or week before. When I was choosing this way of being physically intimate, what was missing was my love and valuing of myself, which would flow onto my partner.

  12. We can put so much empthasis on having sex or that ‘truly’ intimate moment with our partner we lose focus of all the little moments where we can then the same quality to. Then when the ‘moment’ comes we almost freak out as the build up has been so huge. Whereas when we see each moment as an opportunity to make love with ourselves, our partner, our friends etc,, then we are already living this love so when we come to share the physical act of love making with our partner then it is a celebration of what we both hold dear rather than something we need or want because of the physical nature of it.

  13. To learn to and then truly love ourself brings a beauty to life that is beyond anything we have made life to be. It clears out the emotions, the expectations and the many pictures how to be and how to look and what to get and how our relationships should be. It gives us a clear and solid starting point in every moment.

  14. Rarely is it talked about or known about being intimate with ourselves, not in a sexual way, but in everyday things but this is actually really important because it is the foundation for all of our relationships and way in which we live life.

  15. The concept of making love is not really widely understood, I myself have only come to understand it in the last few years. The fact that it doesn’t even have to be a sexual act is a turning point in itself that asks us to actually look at how we are living and if we are living love in our day… or not… and if not, then what are we living in our day?

  16. It is a very selfish and controlling way to live, that is to expect another to love us in a way that we want when there is no or very little love lived towards self. It exposes arrogance when nothing but the individual/self is sought.

  17. When we hold back love that we are, we are hurting ourselves and others at the same time, leaving ourselves love starved and wondering where we could ever find it.

  18. This is a beautiful description of what love/making love is :
    “Making love with another is simply an extension of that: a sharing of the love that I have already lived with myself.”
    How much are we willing to seek this love inside and build from our core inside : love ?

  19. I am at the point where I can feel I can go deeper with my partner and be more intimate, but I am blocking this level of intimacy with myself first. And so I feed the game of how I don’t truly appreciate me and therefore cannot truly appreciate the relationship I have. So it is great to read this blog and the enormous shift that says no to the comfort of life and yes to love.

  20. A beautiful blog to read Nicole, thank you for sharing the love and intimacy that you have nurtured and developed within yourself and can now give that love and intimacy with others.

  21. Everything in life is open to different qualities. Everything is a movement and we can move in different qualities. This is applicable to every aspect of our lives. To know this is important since we tend to segment life in a succession of moments. The more we understand that it is about quality, something opens up and that is that your quality now is not independent from your previous movements. That is why we end somehow considering movement as our primary focus somehow.

  22. Great blog Nicole. I really get what you are saying here about that deep caring for our own bodies and how that can build intimacy, tenderness and delicateness with ourselves which is actually awesome to feel and naturally awesome to share with another.

  23. We need to knock out the confusion that most people have around intimacy meaning sexual. Intimacy is about allowing another to see who we truly are in our essence and we have to start with feeling that connection within ourselves first before we can be intimate with another.

  24. When we hold ourselves in love we can then do the same for another and thus bring the intimacy that we all want in our relationships.

  25. Imagine that making love all through the day just by the quality of our movements and interactions, that sounds much better than keeping it to just between the sheets.

  26. “..the protection I had built up to shield myself from the hurts was actually creating hurts: the hurt I felt of not being able to truly connect to another.” – This is a revelatory statement Nicole, and one that can help dissolve the illusion and belief that putting up walls to ‘protect’ ourselves from hurts actually works for us, when in the end the pain of disconnection hurts more than anything and is what we crave the most. Beginning with intimacy with ourselves first is thus the key to sharing it with others.

  27. When we say making love is only the act between the sheets it means we ignore how we are together and with ourselves every moment of the day. Changing the meaning of the words like that allows for fights, abuse and arguments, lack of decency and respect. Yet the truth of Making Love is about every moment however much we change the meaning the reality still stays the same, making love can only be as amazing as it can be when we live to the truth of the words.

  28. Today I remember a conversation I had with an ex partner. Being naked really does not mean that we are transparent, we could be walking around the house naked, laying down next to our partner naked, having sex, but we could be covered with layers of protection, layers of hurts and put barriers between us more so than two people who are completely dressed.

  29. It makes so much sense that if we are enjoying how we feel when we move, talk, eat, breath and appreciating ourselves in those movements throughout the day, that we will be more loving and transparent with others.

  30. Gorgeous blog to read and super supportive for anyone on a path of self discovery to live and be more love. I love this summary: ‘Making love with another is simply an extension of that: a sharing of the love that I have already lived with myself’

  31. “the protection I had built up to shield myself from the hurts was actually creating hurts.” We think others are the ones to cause the hurts but actually they only highlight the self-inflicted hurts we have created. The part of us that doesn’t want to see that we chose the outcome we now have (the hurt) is what avoids others.

  32. Whether we make love or have sex is determined by either our level of transparency or how protected we are.

  33. What I am finding is that by being gentle and tender with myself I am less focused on the hustle and bustle going on around me. The more gentle I am, the more I want to be gentle with myself and those around me.

  34. Nicole I love how your post so clearly describes how making love is all about the quality in which we live everyday life, like how we speak, converse, relate, touch, work, to make the physical sexual act of making love what it is – an extension and deepening of love from what’s already been established.

  35. I find and have found there to be such a focus and pressure on making love or having sex all being about how you perform in the bedroom when it really has nothing to do with that. Sure we can make it all about the physicality but when we do this we miss out on the fact that we have a gorgeous divine being with us and can essentially make love in every moment and movement with them, why wait until you are in bedroom! And then if you do it is never going to flow. I knwo for myself the more I live the love I am with mysefl 1st and then with another the less there is any pressure to perform as it becomes an act of confirmation and feels completely out of this world.

  36. I work with groups of people all the time, and one of the most constant theme that is there, stifling peoples expression and in general their lives, is the lack of self-worth… In all of its degrees.

    1. I read your comment Chris and went wow, and then could feel how lack of self worth has impacted deeply how I expressed myself in all areas of my life – mainly making myself less than others.

      1. That’s so true Jacqueline… the Effect that it has on our expression is quite profound… And consequently of course as ourselves works reawakens so does our expression

  37. ‘I could feel the protection I had built up over the years to avoid getting hurt no longer allowed me to feel the depth of tenderness in myself, nor in another. ‘ So true Nicole, our protection ends up hurting us in the end as we are missing out on the deep tenderness and connection we can have with ourselves and others.

  38. We crave from others what we do not give ourselves – what an enormous abdication of our personal responsibility and how sad that we do not value ourselves enough.

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