As a child, there were things I just knew.
I knew which family members I wanted to be near to or spend more time with.
When I started school, I knew who I wanted to become friends with. I knew when I met their parents and siblings how the family was and whether I felt comfortable to spend longer periods of time in their home.
I knew that dying was not the end; that we were connected to something far greater than this physical, material world.
I knew that to take drugs was not something I wanted to do, nor was it a wise choice.
I knew when I was full of breast milk/food and to stop drinking/eating any more.
I knew when I walked into a room if there was jealousy towards me, or if someone did not like me. (This included schoolteachers).
These are just a few examples.
I knew these things because of what I was feeling, rather than what I thought in my head. This feeling ‘thing’ was just there. I did not have to try or think about these things. I just knew.
As I grew older, I began to make choices that were going against what I felt.
Looking back, I see that I ignored what I was truly feeling a lot, and this choice to disregard my feelings often ended with very serious consequences.
As an 8 year old, when my friend simply asked to swap bikes, I said ”Yes” when really I knew inside that I wanted to say “No.” Within five minutes of the bike ride beginning I had fallen from the ‘much too big for me’ bike and had a broken ankle, which was put in plaster for the whole eight weeks of the summer holidays.
Did I learn from this? No.
At the age of 13, two more accidents ended with me having broken bones. On both occasions I made decisions that went against what I knew to be true. One of those resulted in a lifetime of continuous pain and discomfort.
After starting to go out with friends at 15 years of age and remaining the sober one who looked after my drunk friends, I eventually gave in and started drinking too, only to end up a very drunken mess enough times to learn the hard way that this was not a wise choice. I already knew this from my inner knowing, but I chose to put myself through damaging and dangerous situations, rather than honour myself and what I knew and felt inside me.
At 16 I met a boy who was interested in me, who was into drugs. I went into the relationship because I wanted to have a boyfriend, to be loved. I knew at a deep level that his drinking a lot of alcohol and the drug taking were not what I wanted to be around, but I overrode what I was FEELING because my mind said, “I want to have a boyfriend, it’s important to be sweet 16 with a boyfriend for the summer.” I said “No” to drugs for five months and then I tried them. I went on to abuse the so-called soft drugs, marijuana and alcohol, on and off, for a further 30 years, all the while, knowing that what I wanted was ‘purity.’
I was living the life of what was considered by onlookers to be that of a ‘Health Fanatic.’ Very conscious of what I ate and exercising, doing yoga, sitting in meditation, living in the outdoors, reading all the right books and into all things ‘a la naturelle.’ And behind that image, I was a drug user. I spent some years without these two drugs of choice. I put this down to the fact that I knew deep within that these choices were not true or supporting me in any way and were in fact very damaging. The drug use was not what I wanted deep within me, but I always ended up going back to it.
I am now 50 and I could go on with countless more examples of not following my deep inner knowing, my sixth sense, my CLAIRSENTIENCE.
Of course, there are also many examples of when I did follow my inner knowing. But what I find interesting is why it is that we ignore what it is we are truly feeling and knowing, even when we have had many previous circumstances that tell us very clearly from the experiences and consequences that followed, that we did not listen to what our inner knowing in our body was telling us.
What is it about the mind that ‘wins out’?
For me, it was about my expression. Being fearful to speak up and say what I knew. What I knew and felt from a place deep within that bypassed the mind. Fearful of the verbal attack that might come at me, or of not being liked, (i.e. If I don’t swap bikes, my friend may not like me anymore or I will have a conflict to deal with). I was giving my power away, rather than expressing what I was feeling.
There was also an underlying sense of abuse in the way I was prepared to put myself into situations that harmed, rather than honoured, myself.
This momentum of choosing abuse did not begin in this life. I knew I had been here before and I knew that these choices were a very old pattern that I could seemingly not so easily change.
I used to often ask myself the questions, “Why did I become so angry? Why did I become a drug user?” It did not make sense to me, because neither my family nor the role models around me made such choices.
There were countless situations where, even though I knew deeply that my choices were not what I wanted from a feeling within me and a knowing that came from something much bigger than me, I still continued to ignore, override, dull myself with drugs and food and music. I continued to play dumb and not speak up.
The choice to continue denying what I knew about the world of energy then became more obvious because there was an even deeper sadness about the choices. This explained the anger, as anger is just a form of suppressed and undealt with sadness.
Ignoring my ‘inner knowing’ has had consequences for me to feel that have been very difficult to bear and at times have been so uncomfortable that finally, they brought me to where I am today.
I am learning to express and speak up and follow what I feel to be true for me.
I have had to climb over a huge mountain to get to this place.
I have let go of so much, on so many levels, that at times I have felt such unrest that I wondered if harmony would ever be restored in my body and my life. However, what I am now feeling is the true energetic freedom that comes from being dead honest with what I am feeling and making decisions from that place. The feeling I now have and live within my body just does not compare to living with the anxiousness that comes with living life so that it looks like the picture or ideal I had in my head about how it should be.
I have only been able to come back to living from my knowing because I started to love myself – to really love myself, deeply. This is a work in progress, and I practise this every day, by continually making choices that are loving. This is what has made the difference.
So all the while I was reading the right books and living in a way that looked like I loved myself by exercising and eating well and doing self help courses, being nice etc., however on a truly deep level, I was not loving myself at all as I was using drugs and giving my power away and not honouring my CLAIRSENTIENCE – what I knew and felt inside, in my body: the truth that is the one truth for ALL, my connection to God, the universal laws that we are ALL unavoidably connected to.
I have learnt that it is not what I am interested in and reading about and the classes I am attending that bring change, but it is in the Way I Live and the quality I choose in everything I do every day that has supported me to listen to my CLAIRSENTIENCE. Expressing again from this knowing has brought true and sustainable change into my life, without following rules and regulations, but from listening to what I always have known, listening to the Divine wisdom of my heart that was there all along, just waiting for me to re-connect to it.
By Mary-Lou Reed, Arnhem, The Netherlands