My Evolution as a Woman

Here’s a sentence that you may have to read twice: “for most of my life I have been aware that when certain people have shared something good that has happened to them, I have felt disappointed – and when they have shared something bad that has happened to them, I have felt mildly elated.” My suggestion that you read this sentence twice is not because it’s a difficult sentence to understand, but more so because it’s difficult for most of us to admit.

I have had these feelings since the age of about 9 and can pinpoint the exact moment that my body first registered the physical stab in the gut that accompanies the jealousy that underpins these feelings. I was on holiday with the school and my classmates and I were walking down a country lane. My best friend and I had found out that we were both being considered for some kind of special acknowledgement – class captain or something similar – and when I looked up and saw my friend walking alongside our teacher I experienced a stabbing feeling in my gut accompanied by mild agitation. That stabbing sensation and accompanying agitation became so familiar to me that I simply incorporated them into my life; completely missing the point that it was my body’s way of drawing my attention to a choice that I was making that was neither loving nor harmonious… and I continued to miss the point for about the next 40 years!

Looking back, I have had a surprising level of awareness around these feelings of comparison and jealousy but my awareness was never enough to actually shift them. These feelings continued right up to my fiftieth birthday and if I’m totally honest, I still occasionally feel their murky hold.

Over the years my body has silently catalogued an inordinate amount of times that it has felt a very secretive part of itself skulking down behind its own eyes, holding its breath, whilst it waits to see if a friend is about to share something ‘good’ that was happening to them, or something ‘bad.’ If the friend shared something that wasn’t working in their life, then that hidden part of me would breathe a sigh of relief and launch itself into a charade of commiseration. However, if the news was jubilant then a crusty hardness would come over my body and my ‘congratulations’ would be pushed out from behind tight teeth.

What I knew about this behaviour was that these feelings usually arose with certain female friends and hardly ever with men: in fact, these feelings were always strongest with my closest female friends and my sister. Due to the fact that many of my competitive feelings seemed to be centred around women’s looks or their weight, I had always put them down to some kind of primal competitive behaviour, designed to ensure that women attracted the fittest mate.

By brushing off these feelings as ‘normal,’ I allowed them to play both a major and a crippling role in my life: they have interfered in my relationships, not only with others but also in my relationship with myself and interestingly, what I have now come to know is that it is from within my relationship with myself that these feelings were actually born.

As a direct result of my involvement with Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon’s revelatory presentations, I have come to realise that what I brushed off as ‘normal female jealousy’ was not – it was in fact self-fury. What I took to be competitiveness around ‘looks and weight’ was not, – it was self-fury centred purely around the potential evolutionary power that I could feel in another. And the reason why this evolutionary power that I could feel in another made me so furious was because I have subjugated myself since the age of about 8.

I took my naturally joyous expansiveness and crammed it into an old shoebox and stuffed it under the bed of life. This I did through my own free will – it was a choice that I made to be less. Then, when in the company of women, who even so much as hinted at being their naturally amazing selves, I went into an internal rage (commonly known as jealousy), knowing that I had chosen to energetically kneecap myself since childhood.

By allowing myself the space to understand why I would choose to live in such a diminished way, I have come to understand that I was intent on avoiding the vile jealousy (self-fury) of other girls who had already made the choice to dim their natural light.

There is one sentence that I have cowered from my whole life, lest it should be hissed at me from the shadows, and that sentence is; “who the %#@! does she think she is?”

Having made the choice to reduce myself down to the same washed out version of me that everybody else had also chosen for themselves, I then perpetuated the cycle of abuse by inflicting the same force (jealousy) on other girls and women who had not yet chosen to energetically opt out.

As women we can blame all manner of things for keeping us out of our power, but the biggest factor by far is jealousy from within our own ranks. It has taken me years to remove the layers of protection that I have built up since childhood and to return to the essence of the stunningly beautiful girl that I was at the age of 8. Looking back, I can see that I was an unadulterated slice of life, an absolutely pure reflection of divinity and now, as I return to that exact same divinity, I am consciously choosing to not cower in the face of jealousy but to stay steady and to shine my light.

By Alexis Stewart, Disability support worker, Yoga teacher, Mum to a stunning boy and Partner of a beautiful man, Sydney, Australia 

Related Reading:
Comparison and Competition between Women
Jealousy: Foe or Friend?
The Beauty of Loving Women. Women Loving and Honouring Women is a Lost Art

638 thoughts on “My Evolution as a Woman

  1. Awesome blog, and a topic that deserves to be spoken about and highlighted over and over, until we get the message that being in jealousy and comparison harms us and others and that it is not just harmless competition.

  2. Nowadays, any thought of jealousy that comes into my mind is quickly replaced by a thought of appreciation. The energy is so entirely different and it opens me up to love. Why not be inspired by people rather than be jealous.

  3. The feelings of jealousy are often obvious but it is the more insidious self fury that plays out that I for one can be less than honest about. Always good to shine light in the darkest of places.

  4. It is amazing how when we build love and appreciation of ourselves in our own body, thoughts of jealousy and comparison are simply swept away.

    1. Agree Jenny,If we have a foundation of love and appreciation these thoughts cannot seed in such a rich and nurturing soil

  5. Alexis, it is great that you share this; ‘for most of my life I have been aware that when certain people have shared something good that has happened to them, I have felt disappointed’, reading this makes me aware that I can occasionally feel like this too, its great to be aware of this and to ponder as to why I may feel like this.

  6. …..”have had these feelings since the age of about 9 and can pinpoint the exact moment that my body first registered the physical stab in the gut that accompanies the jealousy that underpins these feelings”
    Its fascinating when we become aware of how an ill thought has a physical manifestation within our bodies, I can very much relate to this stab in the gut Alexis, it’s horrible, in many ways similar to the feeling of a sudden shock. How amazing that the body provides us with such a alarm bell, for configurations of un-dealt with jealousy within the body can be devastating, both socially and physiologically.

  7. It is such a relief to let go of our protection and free ourselves from a cage that had been preventing us from truly connecting to others. We are then able to just be, warts and all and let the love flow .

  8. I have read this a few times now and the incredible honesty in your first paragraph is absolutely ground breaking as I know few people who would be willing to admit that to themselves let alone to a write about it on a public blog.

  9. This is a sobering statement – “As women we can blame all manner of things for keeping us out of our power, but the biggest factor by far is jealousy from within our own ranks.” I have also had the privilege of hearing Serge Benhayon present on jealously, as has Natalie and Miranda Benhayon, and it has been a game-changer for me as well. When i feel jealously arising in me now, especially around women, I clock it, check it out, see what is coming up, and then cut the energy as much as I can and look at what is being presented to me to learn from.

  10. “Looking back, I have had a surprising level of awareness around these feelings of comparison and jealousy but my awareness was never enough to actually shift them.” its fascinating that we can be so aware yet continue the same patterns and ways of living so as to maintain them and not shift them.

  11. I attended a talk the other day on bringing the feminine into the workplace. In the discussion at the end I contributed that one thing women could do was back each other than rather being critical and judgemental of each other, and furthermore, cut the negative self-talk that fosters this kind of behaviour. Interestingly, not one woman in the room wanted to admit they did either of these things. Honesty is essential if we’re going to nail how we are with ourselves and each other.

    1. Great observation Victoria and I do know that from myself too. Being honest has not always been my strength as I had the belief that my life was okay. But slowly the honesty has come more to the fore by choosing for love and truth and now it is more easily to admit that I hold some ideals and beliefs that do not support me in building that foundation of love. Actually it is a choice to be honest or not, depending on if you go for the truth of life or choose for a self created reality.

      1. I agree Alexis, jealousy is just the end result when we hold ourselves unaware of the fact that we too had the choice to grow and evolve, but choose to say no to that call we felt inside.

  12. This statement made me read and re-read the paragraph over again… “jealousy from within our own ranks..” as it exposes the reality of how jealousy dismantles, divides and separates women, when the opposite all inclusive, beholding, appreciating and celebrating nature of woman to woman has enormous exponential potential to shift the way humanity live and work together.

  13. We can also play the ‘my life is a mess card’ because it allows others around us to be more comfortable. We can even compete in the ‘my life is a mess card’ to hide things that are going well so that we do not come up against jealousy because should we start playing the card ‘my life is full of joy’ card for example it’s quite revealing to observe other peoples discomfort.

    1. Fiona, I can relate to what you are saying, if others were commenting on something that was going well in my life, I used to routinely put a bit of a negative twist on things, even though it didn’t really exist, in a ridiculous attempt to reduce the potential discomfort that others may feel and so as to keep the heat off me. My goodness me, the games we play!

      1. Also a game I know so well, to take care that others were comfortable around me and thus not only making myself less but also considering the others to be less as they were not worthy to get to see shiny me!

    1. That’s true Fiona. The question is.. Why? In my case I used to play those games to stay in comfort and not assuming the responsibility of being who I am, transparently so… and maybe not to receive the jealousy from others too? Again, this was an excuse that I used to delay the inavoidable and constant pull from within, to fully be me…

  14. Like everyone we have every day the possibility to grow and evolve but if we choose for the comfort of life as we have created it, we choose to not evolve and are presented with the expressions of those who did not succumb for the comfort but instead moved on and so to say leave you behind, possibly with the self fury of jealousy, because you do not want to be exposed for you saying no to the equal opportunity for evolution that was available to you.

  15. ‘By brushing off these feelings as ‘normal,’ I allowed them to play both a major and a crippling role in my life:’ The beginning of letting go of unloving patterns begins with awareness and a willingness to actually want to see, understand and feel everything about them so that they can no longer subliminally rule one’s everyday reality.

  16. It is interesting how deep comparison and jealousy can go. We can surprise ourselves with feelings that arise so called ‘out of the blue’. Deepening the love and appreciation within ourselves, loving ourselves to the limit in a way that brings out all our shine pours light on the shadows of jealousy, and it simply disappears.

  17. It absolutely is a hard pill to swallow when you feel and see another choosing what you are not. How by the choices they have made they are evolving and expanding. I have felt that self-fury but never really knew it for this as until Serge Benhayon shared how this worked and it made complete sense. The jealousy that I knew didn’t feel right was actually me feeling the lack of choices I have not made.

  18. We feel this in our bodies but how many mechanisms we have created to justify it and pretend we don’t know what is going on. Only when we get honest and can look at our behaviours from a distance do we see the silliness that is playing out, preventing us from stepping up to new levels of expression and communication and, of course, responsibility, the one thing many of us have been avoiding for so long.

  19. Self-fury, self-loathing, jealousy – could these all be prompts for us to choose self-care and self-love instead? the more that I choose self-care, understanding and connect to me, the more I am able to see these thoughts for the lies that they are – and choose more self- care and appreciation instead

  20. “for most of my life I have been aware that when certain people have shared something good that has happened to them, I have felt disappointed – and when they have shared something bad that has happened to them, I have felt mildly elated.” I have been aware in times of my life when I have felt this but I felt it and did not question it I just carried on. So what I clearly get here is when we have any sort of unharmonious feeling like this to stop and not judge ourselves but ask ourselves why. Go deeper to the true root of this feeling because then and only then when we address it will it no longer have a hold on us.

  21. It is interesting how the world does not like to talk about jealousy and we make every effort to brush it off either as the receiver or the giver. Knowing it is self fury for not making the steps that we see another making makes it harder to brush it under the carpet or ignore, stops the blaming and excuses and brings a reality check to ourselves.

  22. Inside us, we tend to have some secrets that are very difficult to admit even less to share. But we accept them and go there every time we wish. The point to understand though is that although we may go to them from time to time, they are running inside us all the time. They have a grip on us and we shape our movements to accommodate this fact.

  23. It has been hugely eye-opening to reflect on and understand the nature of jealousy and to what lengths I have gone to minimise receiving it from other people. So it has been horrifying to realise that I too could be affecting others in the same way by being jealous of them! .. and to start looking at what prompts that and start to deal with those issues to minimise the occurrence as best I can.

  24. Comparison, jealousy and having conversations through tight teeth isn’t ‘normal’; we dismiss interactions like this as ‘part of life’ but why? It might be challenging to look at the underlying reason why we’re jealous or contracted, but what’s more damaging is continuing to cement ourselves in this protection/comparison every time something comes up where we feel ‘lesser’.

  25. There are uncomfortable and undesirable emotions like comparison coming up all the time for most of us. We all feel it and there can be a moment of awkwardness, which are rapidly covered up. But I am finding the more honest we are about these feelings that we would never consciously choose, the more they lose their hold on us.

  26. Getting honest about jealously and comparison is super refreshing, it is something we all have done and do and bringing it to the table like this allows for the real healing to start.

  27. “for most of my life I have been aware that when certain people have shared something good that has happened to them, I have felt disappointed – and when they have shared something bad that has happened to them, I have felt mildly elated.” This is quite sad really that we should feel this way and I guess exposes our relationship first and foremost with ourselves. Because if we are feeling disappointed when something good has happened to someone else it exposes an emptiness within ourselves that we have not yet healed.

  28. Indeed we do not talk about the jealously and constant comparison that happens in the world for many of our institutions and systems foster this in the name of competition and striving for the ideal of excellence.

  29. Wow Alexis, I love your honesty with this article, since reading this I have been much more aware of when I go into comparison and jealousy with other women. A very beautiful thing happened recently when a friend was telling me about a job that she really wanted and got, in the past I would have gone into jealousy, but this time I could feel a natural joy at hearing this news, I felt she would be amazing in this job and even though it meant I did not have the job I was naturally very pleased for her, this was beautiful to feel, I felt supportive and a feeling of sisterhood with my friend, I could feel the bigger picture and that life was not all about me and what was best for me, but was about all of us.

  30. I love the absolute open honesty and acceptance of responsibility in this article. What is the most awesome message though is that we do not have to choose to stay trapped by this energy, any moment we can again ‘be our amazing selves’ it shows we have choice.

  31. Being joyful for other people is one of the biggest steps we can take for our own healing and all others. It is inspiring within ourselves to feel open to be joyful for other being empowered, wise, beautiful…to continue to feel comparison and jealousy, perpetuates separation and degrades us all.

  32. It is so easy for us all to cram ourselves into the shoe box of life so that we all fit into the ideal size of how and what we should be according to the world. Serge Benhayon and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom has shown me that the shoe box is a mere constraint to the potential we can walk each and every day.

  33. We do brush off these feelings and then live with them as if they are normal, or have these behaviours as our own little secret that we keep hidden from the world. So, it makes sense that we should start the conversations and out some of these not so hidden behaviours and patterns that do not serve us or humanity.

  34. Powerful and honest blog Alexis, Thank you! It is through the appreciation of self and others that we can finally dispel the comparison and jealousy that creates separation within ourselves and instead allow us to be inspired by the livingness of another to be more of the love within ourselves.

  35. Re-reading this today I am still blown away by the honesty in this blog that you share with us Alexis. Thank you. It is rare to read a person talk so honestly and publicly about what is going in their life and with such grace, responsibility, authority and lack of judgement. A real treat.

  36. Alexis what a powerful and deeply honest blog. It is amazing how often we criticise others, put them down etc.. all because we feel a sense of hurt towards ourselves that the choices we have been making have not been deeply honouring the love we are and so we are where we are as a result. So instead of taking responsibility and making different choices it is far easier to bury the hurt we feel and project our inadequacies onto others. The best remedy to this is appreciation not only of ourselves but also of others – it is amazing how things change when you truly appreciate another.

  37. Its always interesting how when you look back on a particular time in your life, you can see how amazing you were, how youthful perhaps, or how alive, or just simply how lovely, but in the moment, perhaps there was none or little appreciation for that. So the opportunity is there to appreciate all we are right now, regardless of what our external daily lives look like.

    1. I agree Heather and what I am finding is that by building appreciation consistently into life then it remains a constant regardless of what is going on. There is always something that can be appreciated in any circumstance, even the most harrowing.

  38. This is an awesome sharing Alexis, thanks for being so open and honest. It is very powerful when you speak what other dare not speak or write and even if it rocks people’s world, its a good thing and very much appreciated.

  39. Nothing has power unless we feed it, whether that be negative thoughts, or confirming our own love. When we entertain thoughts that are loveless, we know our soul is not a part of it.

  40. I appreciate the truthfulness in this blog, and yes so many of us I am sure put our amazing glorious self away, ‘I took my naturally joyous expansiveness and crammed it into an old shoebox and stuffed it under the bed of life’, choosing to make ourselves less. Bringing our true selves back now and making our choices about love and appreciation is the way forth.

  41. When we choose to feel less than another person for whatever reason, we say yes to the fact that we are indeed less than what we are in truth. The act of leaving aside beautiful parts of our being hurts immensely.

  42. I love the opening sentence. I love the honesty and willingness to be open and heal that it takes to actually say it. It’s very common and admitting we feel this way is a huge first step in making another choice in life.

  43. Value and love for who we are bridges the gap of jealously and comparison. When we make way for more appreciation for who we are jealously has no where to go and this builds and deepens overt space and time until inspiration becomes our way of seeing and moving in the world and comparison and jealously have no legs to stand on.

  44. If we choose to be less and keep ourselves small there are many possible consequences, ‘it was a choice that I made to be less. Then, when in the company of women, who even so much as hinted at being their naturally amazing selves, I went into an internal rage (commonly known as jealousy), knowing that I had chosen to energetically kneecap myself since childhood.’ Why not just let our amazingness shine forth in full?

  45. Comparison and jealousy simply shines a light on how we are not choosing to be ourselves in all our fullness. The real resentment is against ourself for choosing to remain lesser and holding ourselves back. Being honest with ourself is the first step in putting a stop to these destructive thoughts.

  46. When I feel the glorious connection to myself and am committed to going deeper with it appreciating myself along the way I cannot but be inspired by another. If I’m honest I may feel a hint of jealousy or comparison but I cannot react and indulge in it like I used to for I can clearly read and accept the situation and what is on offer. It is so healing and incredibly supportive when we say yes to inspiration and eliminate the emotions of jealousy and comparison in our daily living by choosing a truly loving way to be with ourselves.

  47. It is true we don’t like to admit comparison and jealousy because it exposes a weakness in ourselves that we don’t want to see. I love that you ask us to read the first sentence twice because it can be easy to gloss over and not see where jealousy plays out in our lives. If we are not totally honest with ourselves when it appears we just bury it and try hard to ignore something that can be so easily healed.

  48. It’s a bit like the saying – we are our own worst enemy. Even if we thought jealousy and comparison of another was ok and it didn’t hurt them (which it’s totally not) we actually are damaging ourselves and our own evolution also, it’s crazy we keep doing this.

  49. It’s true Alexis about the cycles of jealousy and how insidious they are. If we allow ourselves to dim our natural essence we then can become part the same group that is jealous of those who shine. Healing the effects of others jealousy in our own life, and being honest about our own jealousy and why, is the way out of those cycles so we can return to living from our natural essence and continue to shine when others react. We are each responsible to stop those cycles.

  50. Certain sectors of the press with their celebrity stories, gossip, sensationalism and thinly disguised Schadenfreude thrive solely due to the public’s addiction to either jealousy or the relief that status and wealth aren’t the end all and be all.

    1. Oh the sheer relief when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt split up! It was agonising for so many of us that such a good looking woman could have such a good looking husband and produce so many good looking kids and have time to help the starving!

  51. So with “who the %#@! does she think she is?” what it is really saying is they have the courage to do something I don’t or they have made far more loving and supportive choices than me or they have a million more amounts of self-worth and body confidence than me. When we spend time comparing ourselves to others it is less to make the changes we want to within and for ourselves. Appreciation is key, to appreciate both ourselves and where we are at .. at any given time and to appreciate others and what they have chosen that is inspiring and reflecting to us either something different or exposing to us a choice we haven’t yet made that we know we should!

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