My Evolution as a Woman

Here’s a sentence that you may have to read twice: “for most of my life I have been aware that when certain people have shared something good that has happened to them, I have felt disappointed – and when they have shared something bad that has happened to them, I have felt mildly elated.” My suggestion that you read this sentence twice is not because it’s a difficult sentence to understand, but more so because it’s difficult for most of us to admit.

I have had these feelings since the age of about 9 and can pinpoint the exact moment that my body first registered the physical stab in the gut that accompanies the jealousy that underpins these feelings. I was on holiday with the school and my classmates and I were walking down a country lane. My best friend and I had found out that we were both being considered for some kind of special acknowledgement – class captain or something similar – and when I looked up and saw my friend walking alongside our teacher I experienced a stabbing feeling in my gut accompanied by mild agitation. That stabbing sensation and accompanying agitation became so familiar to me that I simply incorporated them into my life; completely missing the point that it was my body’s way of drawing my attention to a choice that I was making that was neither loving nor harmonious… and I continued to miss the point for about the next 40 years!

Looking back, I have had a surprising level of awareness around these feelings of comparison and jealousy but my awareness was never enough to actually shift them. These feelings continued right up to my fiftieth birthday and if I’m totally honest, I still occasionally feel their murky hold.

Over the years my body has silently catalogued an inordinate amount of times that it has felt a very secretive part of itself skulking down behind its own eyes, holding its breath, whilst it waits to see if a friend is about to share something ‘good’ that was happening to them, or something ‘bad.’ If the friend shared something that wasn’t working in their life, then that hidden part of me would breathe a sigh of relief and launch itself into a charade of commiseration. However, if the news was jubilant then a crusty hardness would come over my body and my ‘congratulations’ would be pushed out from behind tight teeth.

What I knew about this behaviour was that these feelings usually arose with certain female friends and hardly ever with men: in fact, these feelings were always strongest with my closest female friends and my sister. Due to the fact that many of my competitive feelings seemed to be centred around women’s looks or their weight, I had always put them down to some kind of primal competitive behaviour, designed to ensure that women attracted the fittest mate.

By brushing off these feelings as ‘normal,’ I allowed them to play both a major and a crippling role in my life: they have interfered in my relationships, not only with others but also in my relationship with myself and interestingly, what I have now come to know is that it is from within my relationship with myself that these feelings were actually born.

As a direct result of my involvement with Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon’s revelatory presentations, I have come to realise that what I brushed off as ‘normal female jealousy’ was not – it was in fact self-fury. What I took to be competitiveness around ‘looks and weight’ was not, – it was self-fury centred purely around the potential evolutionary power that I could feel in another. And the reason why this evolutionary power that I could feel in another made me so furious was because I have subjugated myself since the age of about 8.

I took my naturally joyous expansiveness and crammed it into an old shoebox and stuffed it under the bed of life. This I did through my own free will – it was a choice that I made to be less. Then, when in the company of women, who even so much as hinted at being their naturally amazing selves, I went into an internal rage (commonly known as jealousy), knowing that I had chosen to energetically kneecap myself since childhood.

By allowing myself the space to understand why I would choose to live in such a diminished way, I have come to understand that I was intent on avoiding the vile jealousy (self-fury) of other girls who had already made the choice to dim their natural light.

There is one sentence that I have cowered from my whole life, lest it should be hissed at me from the shadows, and that sentence is; “who the %#@! does she think she is?”

Having made the choice to reduce myself down to the same washed out version of me that everybody else had also chosen for themselves, I then perpetuated the cycle of abuse by inflicting the same force (jealousy) on other girls and women who had not yet chosen to energetically opt out.

As women we can blame all manner of things for keeping us out of our power, but the biggest factor by far is jealousy from within our own ranks. It has taken me years to remove the layers of protection that I have built up since childhood and to return to the essence of the stunningly beautiful girl that I was at the age of 8. Looking back, I can see that I was an unadulterated slice of life, an absolutely pure reflection of divinity and now, as I return to that exact same divinity, I am consciously choosing to not cower in the face of jealousy but to stay steady and to shine my light.

By Alexis Stewart, Disability support worker, Yoga teacher, Mum to a stunning boy and Partner of a beautiful man, Sydney, Australia 

Related Reading:
Comparison and Competition between Women
Jealousy: Foe or Friend?
The Beauty of Loving Women. Women Loving and Honouring Women is a Lost Art

593 thoughts on “My Evolution as a Woman

  1. Awesome blog, and a topic that deserves to be spoken about and highlighted over and over, until we get the message that being in jealousy and comparison harms us and others and that it is not just harmless competition.

  2. Nowadays, any thought of jealousy that comes into my mind is quickly replaced by a thought of appreciation. The energy is so entirely different and it opens me up to love. Why not be inspired by people rather than be jealous.

  3. The feelings of jealousy are often obvious but it is the more insidious self fury that plays out that I for one can be less than honest about. Always good to shine light in the darkest of places.

  4. It is amazing how when we build love and appreciation of ourselves in our own body, thoughts of jealousy and comparison are simply swept away.

    1. Agree Jenny,If we have a foundation of love and appreciation these thoughts cannot seed in such a rich and nurturing soil

  5. Alexis, it is great that you share this; ‘for most of my life I have been aware that when certain people have shared something good that has happened to them, I have felt disappointed’, reading this makes me aware that I can occasionally feel like this too, its great to be aware of this and to ponder as to why I may feel like this.

  6. …..”have had these feelings since the age of about 9 and can pinpoint the exact moment that my body first registered the physical stab in the gut that accompanies the jealousy that underpins these feelings”
    Its fascinating when we become aware of how an ill thought has a physical manifestation within our bodies, I can very much relate to this stab in the gut Alexis, it’s horrible, in many ways similar to the feeling of a sudden shock. How amazing that the body provides us with such a alarm bell, for configurations of un-dealt with jealousy within the body can be devastating, both socially and physiologically.

  7. It is such a relief to let go of our protection and free ourselves from a cage that had been preventing us from truly connecting to others. We are then able to just be, warts and all and let the love flow .

  8. I have read this a few times now and the incredible honesty in your first paragraph is absolutely ground breaking as I know few people who would be willing to admit that to themselves let alone to a write about it on a public blog.

  9. This is a sobering statement – “As women we can blame all manner of things for keeping us out of our power, but the biggest factor by far is jealousy from within our own ranks.” I have also had the privilege of hearing Serge Benhayon present on jealously, as has Natalie and Miranda Benhayon, and it has been a game-changer for me as well. When i feel jealously arising in me now, especially around women, I clock it, check it out, see what is coming up, and then cut the energy as much as I can and look at what is being presented to me to learn from.

  10. “Looking back, I have had a surprising level of awareness around these feelings of comparison and jealousy but my awareness was never enough to actually shift them.” its fascinating that we can be so aware yet continue the same patterns and ways of living so as to maintain them and not shift them.

  11. I attended a talk the other day on bringing the feminine into the workplace. In the discussion at the end I contributed that one thing women could do was back each other than rather being critical and judgemental of each other, and furthermore, cut the negative self-talk that fosters this kind of behaviour. Interestingly, not one woman in the room wanted to admit they did either of these things. Honesty is essential if we’re going to nail how we are with ourselves and each other.

    1. Great observation Victoria and I do know that from myself too. Being honest has not always been my strength as I had the belief that my life was okay. But slowly the honesty has come more to the fore by choosing for love and truth and now it is more easily to admit that I hold some ideals and beliefs that do not support me in building that foundation of love. Actually it is a choice to be honest or not, depending on if you go for the truth of life or choose for a self created reality.

      1. I agree Alexis, jealousy is just the end result when we hold ourselves unaware of the fact that we too had the choice to grow and evolve, but choose to say no to that call we felt inside.

  12. This statement made me read and re-read the paragraph over again… “jealousy from within our own ranks..” as it exposes the reality of how jealousy dismantles, divides and separates women, when the opposite all inclusive, beholding, appreciating and celebrating nature of woman to woman has enormous exponential potential to shift the way humanity live and work together.

  13. We can also play the ‘my life is a mess card’ because it allows others around us to be more comfortable. We can even compete in the ‘my life is a mess card’ to hide things that are going well so that we do not come up against jealousy because should we start playing the card ‘my life is full of joy’ card for example it’s quite revealing to observe other peoples discomfort.

    1. Fiona, I can relate to what you are saying, if others were commenting on something that was going well in my life, I used to routinely put a bit of a negative twist on things, even though it didn’t really exist, in a ridiculous attempt to reduce the potential discomfort that others may feel and so as to keep the heat off me. My goodness me, the games we play!

    1. That’s true Fiona. The question is.. Why? In my case I used to play those games to stay in comfort and not assuming the responsibility of being who I am, transparently so… and maybe not to receive the jealousy from others too? Again, this was an excuse that I used to delay the inavoidable and constant pull from within, to fully be me…

  14. Like everyone we have every day the possibility to grow and evolve but if we choose for the comfort of life as we have created it, we choose to not evolve and are presented with the expressions of those who did not succumb for the comfort but instead moved on and so to say leave you behind, possibly with the self fury of jealousy, because you do not want to be exposed for you saying no to the equal opportunity for evolution that was available to you.

  15. ‘By brushing off these feelings as ‘normal,’ I allowed them to play both a major and a crippling role in my life:’ The beginning of letting go of unloving patterns begins with awareness and a willingness to actually want to see, understand and feel everything about them so that they can no longer subliminally rule one’s everyday reality.

  16. It is interesting how deep comparison and jealousy can go. We can surprise ourselves with feelings that arise so called ‘out of the blue’. Deepening the love and appreciation within ourselves, loving ourselves to the limit in a way that brings out all our shine pours light on the shadows of jealousy, and it simply disappears.

  17. It absolutely is a hard pill to swallow when you feel and see another choosing what you are not. How by the choices they have made they are evolving and expanding. I have felt that self-fury but never really knew it for this as until Serge Benhayon shared how this worked and it made complete sense. The jealousy that I knew didn’t feel right was actually me feeling the lack of choices I have not made.

  18. We feel this in our bodies but how many mechanisms we have created to justify it and pretend we don’t know what is going on. Only when we get honest and can look at our behaviours from a distance do we see the silliness that is playing out, preventing us from stepping up to new levels of expression and communication and, of course, responsibility, the one thing many of us have been avoiding for so long.

  19. Self-fury, self-loathing, jealousy – could these all be prompts for us to choose self-care and self-love instead? the more that I choose self-care, understanding and connect to me, the more I am able to see these thoughts for the lies that they are – and choose more self- care and appreciation instead

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