Poisoned through Self-Abuse

Abuse is a very huge box in which so many things are happening, without always showing any clear signs to the outer world. I would like to look into the box and share with you a kind of abuse that we can call ‘self-abuse’ – an abuse of our own body, maybe without the awareness that we do this, or seeing it as a form of abuse.

At the moment we hear a lot about abuse in the Catholic Church, in sport and recently in the movie world. People are sharing their experiences and this can be a beginning to bring abuse into the light. But there is a lot of abuse in the whole world that we don’t see or hear about. Or, could it be that we don’t want to look at it as a kind of abuse?

Some behaviours are so common and accepted that we are not aware of the effects they have on us. For instance, if we are talking with an angry person, we could say, “Just let him talk, as long as he doesn’t touch me.” Or when people are talking in a not so friendly way about someone behind their back. Or a songwriter writes songs about emotional times of his life that he is still sad about. What are we receiving in these moments?

If we know that “Everything is energy, and therefore, everything is because of energy (Serge Benhayon, 1999), then it’s logical that there must be consequences to all our behaviours, words, thoughts, actions and movements. This means that in fact we receive throughout the whole day all kinds of energies that are not directly visible. It requires an awareness to notice them and to allow ourselves to feel what happens in our body. Our body immediately responds to the energies and gives us signs, which are always our great marker.

These signs can be very physical and we are not always aware that they are the consequences of the choices we make in our life. Like, for example, an uncomfortable feeling in the body, cold knees, tense shoulders, bubbly stomach, making fists, losing attention, stiff neck. These are all communications from our body to ourselves that something is not right, either outside of us or inside of us.

It takes a level of awareness and responsibility to be open to and want to listen to the body and hear these messages. If we live our life without this connection to our body, then we will not hear them. It does not mean that they are not there. To be in connection with our body is so, so natural that it’s a very big question why we have lost it. Why do we live life in a kind of bubble and think that nothing can touch us unless we immediately have very clear signs?

I lived in this way for a very big part of my life. We all have our own reasons for making this choice, and for me it was a form of protection. It seemed easier to put myself in a kind of armour so that I would not have to deal with an energy that’s not from love. I found it difficult to deal with the things I felt around me and to accept that the world is like it is. I didn’t know how to handle my sensitivity and meanwhile felt the hardness, the disconnection, the suffering or emptiness of people. The reflection was too big and showed me my own struggle with life.

Whatever I did and wherever I was, I was in protection instead of staying with myself with an open heart. I abused my body by being in a hardness, shutting myself down, not being open with my whole heart, not expressing what was there to be expressed and by avoiding my sensibility. This meant that all my movements were made in and with that same hardness, a quality that was different from who I truly am. I didn’t consider the consequences of this to myself and to others. But what I know for sure is that energy goes everywhere and has an impact on everything.

My eyes were opened when I got psoriasis. Within a week I had spots on my whole body, like raindrops. I had light-therapy for this and it disappeared at first, but after two weeks it came back again. This was an invitation for me to look deeper to the roots of this and to be honest with it. As well as receiving conventional medical treatment, I also had some sessions with practitioners of Universal Medicine, which supported me in the process of understanding the underlying energetic causes of the psoriasis.

After one of these sessions, I understood exactly what the spots were really showing me. It was like I was walking through a nuclear building that was leaking radioactivity and when I came out the other end, of course I was poisoned. I was shocked to realise that I had walked through life like an open target. That I had absorbed many things that didn’t belong to me and that this was a kind of poison. For me it felt like a very huge form of abuse that was having an enormous effect on my health. I was swimming in the ocean with all others and picked up all the energies that did not belong to me.

I am learning that my body is constantly responding to my way of life and the choices I make. This asks me to be in connection with my body and to deeply care for myself. With these very clear signs on my skin, I cannot ignore the fact that my daily choices have an impact on my body. Instead of putting on the armour and thinking that this will protect me, I am learning to be open and allow myself to be sensitive, to be vulnerable, to be beautiful, to be powerful, to be precious, to be delicate… to be with me.

It helps me to put my focus on observing the external world, instead of absorbing its harmful energies, because when I am feeling my loveliness it is very obvious that such energies do NOT belong within me. This brings more understanding for my behaviour and that of others. If I can nominate what’s there and express it, then thoughts don’t come in and play their own game. There is more space for accepting myself, which results in more openness, more love.

Abusing my body, in any shape or form, is saying NO to myself, and why would I do that?

I now know that changing our world is just not about doing something outside of us. It is about living in the world in the fullness of who we truly are. I need my body to bring this expression into the world, so it is important that I take real care of it. I am learning to still swim in the sea with everybody, without wearing an armour as a protection, but with my own body as my guide.

By Peggy Verheijen, Teacher, Belgium 

Related Reading:
Self Care – ‘Walking the Talk’
Abuse – My Understanding So Far
The Art of Appreciation – Helping to Break the Cycle of Self Abuse

405 thoughts on “Poisoned through Self-Abuse

  1. We can poison ourselves through self-abuse more so than through eating all the worst kinds of food.

  2. Being super loving with and caring for ourselves is such an integral part of life that needs to be brought back into all our lives, as without the care and love we have for ourselves there will be no care nor love for anybody or anything else. And we all deserve deep love and care.

  3. I am starting to appreciate the abuse that our thoughts can have on us. With out even realising it we can go through a marathon of abuse just by the thoughts we have. Understanding the teachings of Serge Benhayon and seeing the energy we are choosing and how that influences and determines the thoughts we have really explains why we do have the thoughts that we do have.

  4. The moment we lack awareness of what is happening we absorb what is happening. Now, if only overeating wouldn’t reduce our awareness….

  5. There is a real strength and power in being super sensitive, in that it enables us to actually read situations and feel the energetic reasons behind people’s behaviours, so we can then have understanding and avoid the absorbing of everyone’s issues through reaction that result in illness and disease. Shutting down that sensitivity to protect yourself from the hurt of it doesn’t work, as we never stop feeling anyway. It is a trick to think you are actually protecting yourself in the end through hardening because there is actually more harm being done to our bodies in that reaction.

    1. The key words here are ‘hold back’; and what you say makes so much sense because to ‘hold back’ or reduce any natural growth or expansion must require a negative ingredient of some sort…a poison.

  6. The only way to stop being so affected by everything outside of ourselves is through self-love and deep care. There is no quick fix that can do this for us, it is all governed by our choices to take care of ourselves or not.

  7. Self abuse is not simply some small aberration, rather it is a deliberate way of sabotaging ourselves so we do not come to know how divinely amazing we are. Yes it sounds ridiculous but perhaps we have done a deal to be so much less than we really are so that we can partake in this physical creation?

  8. Peggy I feel as children we are sensitive and when this is not appreciated or honoured then it is very difficult for children to hold onto their sensitivity when all around them they feel and see a society that has lost it’s sensitivity and crushes anyone who shows any signs of it. We have replaced sensitivity with all forms of abuse which we seemingly find far more acceptable, how lost are we ?

  9. “Abusing my body, in any shape or form, is saying NO to myself, and why would I do that?” – we only say no to something we do not love. The more we love, the less we abuse. And when there is abuse there is the call for us to deal with that abuse through deepening the level of love that we already have. Love through (self) understanding is how we can complete patterns of abuse.

  10. It is super important for us to take real care of our bodies. When we begin to do this we begin to see more of how we have not. Not to feel guilty but so that we can deepen the level of care. With that we see that there is no end point to reach with how we can care for ourselves.

  11. There seems to be a distinction between being aware of the symptoms a body is showing and being able to read the underlying energetic cause for that condition, and I would so love to be able to read straight off what exactly is the root cause of any and every condition, but I also am aware that we all need to make our own journeys with our own bodies, as forever students of the whole intelligence that each body holds.

    1. I agree Shami. A wealth of wisdom is there to access; but I feel that the most important step in this is that first big YES. ‘Yes, I agree that the way I have been living and the choices that I have been making has been abusive, yes, I want to change, yes, show me what is going on, yes I am open to listening to what my body is telling me.” If we say this first big YES, then the learning can start and the tap-of-wisdom opens.

  12. ‘It takes a level of awareness and responsibility to be open to and want to listen to the body and hear these messages.’ – Indeed it does, our body keeps continually signalling what is going on. However we can easily shut down our awareness with all sorts of distractions, to avoid having to take responsibility.

  13. The amount of self abuse we inflict on ourselves in life is enormous and this is a great expose of what is going on to look at and start bringing honesty and change to our lives and hence to the level of abuse in the world everywhere.

  14. I have learnt that if I do not honour what I am feeling energetically in any situation then I am much more likely to ‘take on’ and absorb abusive energy into my body which does feel toxic like a poison. I then seek to do other things to stop feeling this which only adds to the problem. So the key really is in the full observation of what is happening not just physically but energetically as well.

    1. Great tips. I found that I used to not stop and feel what was going on and before I knew it I had lost myself and all connection to my movements. I would turn very hard in my movements and others could feel this even if I could override it myself. Stopping and observing gives me the space to see what is happening and to hold myself steady rather than being lost in the onslaught.

  15. I have seen that re-visiting old events and emotions like a class reunion can lead to a participant having trouble sleeping all night and even a single beer in such context having a big effect even though the event itself was good natured and gentle – the act of revisiting can be enough.

  16. It is an irony that we think we can protect ourselves in this way of hardness when in fact we are causing the most permeable entrance to all harming energies within that contraction and that the true protection is in shining our full light in the world.

  17. To fully understand the effects of self abuse and abuse in the world, without getting sucked in to identifying with the struggle and things being ‘too hard’, it requires a deep lever of observation and understanding.

    1. Great point Susie – it is easy to get lost in the drama of it rather than seeking to truly understand what is at play.

  18. Judgement on another, however small or expressing hate against a particular person is a highly toxic poison to our body.

  19. “I am learning that my body is constantly responding to my way of life and the choices I make.” this makes perfect sense as I know when I am loving with myself my body feels that and responds, when I am not loving I feel super bad in my body. Simple but a great reflection of my day.

  20. When we are truly honest with what is going on in our body, there is an entire universe of information available to us right there.

    1. Yes, the honesty allows us to observe – as simple as it sounds it is difficult to observe if we are not honest.

  21. We have an expression that when we are in the mud we cannot see anything but the mud and this is true, if we are abusive towards ourselves we will be abusive towards others because that’s what we know. When we increase our awareness to how we are with ourselves and make the choice and put in the work to look at what gets in the way to stop us from being more loving, this naturally changes how we are with others. So if we really want to change the horrors that we have in this world it starts with us as individuals, we have all contributed to our current society as individuals we are the ones that need to clean our mess up.

  22. “I now know that changing our world is just not about doing something outside of us. It is about living in the world in the fullness of who we truly are.” So true Peggy and to do that requires us to listen and respond to the innate wisdom of the intelligence of the body, which is far greater than that of the mind.

  23. Thank you Peggy for your honest and deep sharing of your experience. It feels very revealing and takes me to reflect too in my own self-abuse patterns. Sometimes doesn’t feel so obvious, but are there. Being in contraction is a consequence of them, so take care of my body and honour its delicateness helps me to be aware of what is going on and not harden it.

  24. Thanks for sharing your experience with psoriasis, Peggy, and the energetic meaning of this condition. I had never really heard of psoriasis until I woke one day and found large sections of my torso and legs covered as if I had been splashed with water droplets. This was well before my becoming a student of Universal Medicine, but it was huge wakeup call that all was not well with my body. Looking back I can see psoriasis was a blessing in disguise, as that is when I started looking at what might be behind its happening and started tuning into to how my body felt after eating certain foods etc.
    That was thirty or more years ago and apart from a few persistent spots on my lower legs, the psoriasis has all but gone – time to look closely at where else I am still denying my sensitivity or absorbing energies that are not even mine in the first place.

  25. “I was shocked to realise that I had walked through life like an open target. That I had absorbed many things that didn’t belong to me and that this was a kind of poison” – and this just shows that this supposed suits of protective armour that we think we are wearing, dont really work at all. It is an illusion – and one that I have fallen for on many occasions.

  26. How amazing is it to surrender to the body and feel our essence and then let go of any form of protection so we open our hearts and let everything in to feel the Love we all share. True Love is the only way to alleviate any ill way of being. As you have shared Peggy; “It is about living in the world in the fullness of who we truly are.”

  27. ‘These signs can be very physical and we are not always aware that they are the consequences of the choices we make in our life.’ – This is not something that is being taught to us as young, and hence we go through life unaware of the impact of our own choices. This then gets repeated in the next generation and so on, in a constant merry go round.

    1. Understanding how we perpetuate things simply by ignoring our bodies and the sign posting they offer, is a fascinating study of how we get ourselves into predicaments and patterns.

  28. I often want to see how much I can ‘get away with’, and continue to run with choices that I know do not support me. This makes no sense, because when I am making truly loving and supportive choices I feel so amazing. It’s crazy how we do this and choose abuse over love.

  29. We poison ourselves whenever we react to something and take it into our bodies. The antidote is to constantly read and call out the energy that is in front of us, like the intention of someone doing what they are doing or saying something, then it stays outside our body.

  30. Thanks to Universal Medicine I am once again learning to acknowledge the energy we all feel but have toned down to not feel through one reason or another. People seem to be talking more and more about energy these days and we are more likely to express what we feel without fearing ridicule.

    1. I found it quite hard at first, it was like wading through mud but the more I took the steps the lighter and brighter I felt. Well worth the choice to deepen the care and love we are with ourselves.

  31. Self-abuse is very simple if we don’t have a regard for ourselves and many people don’t want to be ‘selfish’ or life is so difficult that some abuse of the body seems worth doing for the numbing it brings. There are much better alternatives than abuse.

    1. Very true, so often we think of it purely as somethign we ingest but some of the most insidious forms of poison I have found are emotions especially when we take them on from others reactions. Atleast if we ‘poison’ ourselves with food we have something to attribute it to whereas with emotions it can be hard to catch them.

  32. I am realising more and more how much life is set up to keep us in the dark, far away from truth and by staying disconnected from our bodies we will keep us there forever more. Only through reconnecting with our bodies and learning to once again feel energy will we be able to identify truly all the abuse that goes on whether it be in the world or if it is self inflicted and then do something about it.

  33. It has been tempting to see myself as a victim of abuse in my life but the more I sit with it the more I see that I have inflicted abuse in myself through what I have allowed.

  34. Any thing that is not absolute love is abuse. With that in mind how much abuse do we put up with?

  35. We like to think that in protecting ourselves from the world and possible hurts that we are in fact protecting our bodies. In fact the very opposite is true, for every movement that we make in order to keep the world out must be felt within the body. It actually hurts us to act against our truly sensitive and tender nature.

  36. ‘Abusing my body, in any shape or form, is saying NO to myself, and why would I do that?’ – This is such a great question, why indeed would we want to abuse ourselves when most of us would not have allowed anyone else to treat us in such a disregarding way.

  37. So much hides under the surface that we can ignore until it becomes so ugly that we have to address it. It seems we are governed by fear of rocking a boat that is sinking anyway!

    1. So true Lucy, so don’t rock the boat jump in and “learning to still swim in the sea with everybody, without wearing an armour as a protection, but with my own body as my guide.”

  38. Taking on emotions from around us is hard for our bodies to deal with, as it’s a poison that just doesn’t belong in us. Being aware of the ways we allow this is a gradual process that reveals more subtle layers over time. It makes sense that if we don’t allow this abuse in our bodies that our health and wellbeing can only benefit.

  39. Our thoughts have such a critical effect on us but what I have really started to understand and see more clearly with the awesome support of Serge Benhayon and the teachings of Universal Medicine is that we don’t actually think what we think. We align to a source of energy and this is clearly exposed when abuse, be it self or towards another, is at play as the example of this blog shares.

  40. It is so easy to look to others and blame them for our woes but what responsibility are we taking for where we are at and exactly what is happening to us. We can say blame someone for shouting at us or getting angry but what if we set if up by the way we were living and approached the person and it was not from the love we are and so the person reacted to that? The more I choose to see what is before me rather than trying to interpret it in a certain way to fit the picture I have created the more I get to understand life and how there is far more going on than purely what meets the eyes.

  41. “Abusing my body, in any shape or form, is saying NO to myself, and why would I do that?”. We have all sorts of reasons for why we abuse our body but none of them are valid. Our body is our best friend if we allow it to be and deserves to be treated with respect and honour.

  42. “Our body immediately responds to the energies and gives us signs, which are always our great marker.” This is simply the truth.. It is the greatest truth we can give ourselves — to have an intimate and open relationship to our whole body. To clock and feel everything that is there to feel and understand what and how to respond to what is next. Its abuse not to.

  43. Some forms of abuse even come in a gift box, as things to celebrate and favour, idealised as good, better, best – this is the abuse hardest to recognize as it is sugar coated with a flavour that appeals to our needs like recognition, acknowledgement etc.

  44. Every layer of protection we put on ourselves is a layer that must be dropped. Not only do they actually not work we must return to feel everything that we have not felt or blocked from our awareness.

  45. Before there can be abuse through another there is abuse of self: let go of who you are and you are abused by what you are not.

      1. I do not feel it is possible Christoph, after all if we are being love with ourselves then how could we be anything but love with another? So as you say 1st we surely have to have abused ourselves.

  46. We often find it easy to give advice to others that we do not follow ourselves regarding self-abusive actions. Time to sort ourselves out first then offer a reflection of that to others.

  47. Before a physical or verbal abuse can affect us there is already a ‘preparatory phase’, i.e. there needs to be an opening for the abuse to enter. That is an abuse we have with ourselves energetically before the abusive energy and actions of someone occur, even when it is just a split second where we disconnect from our fullness to leave a gap for an outer to enter the inner. This highlights the extent of responsibility we have in being who we are.

  48. The poison of emotional self abuse is worst then the poison of drug abuse. How do I know this? Because I have experienced both.

  49. Self abuse can be as simple as not listening, doing nothing, holding back, freezing where you are, and doesn’t have to be cruel in the more obvious sense just anything that interferes with our expansion.

  50. One of the biggest ways we poison ourselves is through our thoughts, we can completely berate ourselves with the way we think about ourselves and our mistakes in life and we tend to forget that our thoughts are actually energy and have a massive effect. I know that when I get these thoughts I’ve almost definitely dropped the ball when it comes to the care of myself and my body.

  51. There is a challenge with wanting to see the truth of what is going on in the world, with all its ugly corruption, in that the more we are open to seeing, the more awareness we are given. And it is easy to drop into a form of protection to not feel the unloving nature of all these actions (speaking from experience here), but if we just keep observing it with love and understanding, and not take it on as our issue, we can continue to gain even more awareness and use it to help the situation, not add to the problem.

  52. ‘It seemed easier to put myself in a kind of armour so that I would not have to deal with an energy that’s not from love.’ I have felt this too and observed so many guys these days building such a suit if armour in the gym to prevent them from having to feel just how sensitive we are.

  53. I love how you point out the signs our body gives us in regards to energy. We take tense shoulders, a stiff neck, wobbly knees etc. as part of life but we never really question why it is so and what causes it. Yes, we refer it back to emotions, but what emotions are and where they are coming from we question not. That everything is energy makes so much sense and when we start to live with this awareness a whole new world of understanding opens up.

  54. Ignoring our body is really our first dishonesty in life, our bodies are super clear and super honest when it comes to how we are treating them, we don’t randomly put on weight, or randomly have an ache or pain – something we did initiated this change, but often we don’t like to see that we are the ones who cause abuse to ourselves because that means ultimately we have to take responsibility and make a change – you could say the power is in our hands.

  55. I love your ending Peggy, we are all swimming in the same sea with everybody, but allowing the body to be the guide feels the key to discern the energies around us so we don’t get wet.

    1. Our body is an amazing rador of detecting energy, so we don’t get wet, we just need to keep connecting and listening to the messages.

  56. If we understand just how much abuse we allow, we’ll start to see just how far from our true glory we live. So many of us are pale shadows of the beauty we naturally are.

  57. Taking on others emotions or reacting in life could be likened to drinking poison. We are feeling energy all of the time…. and through our observation and awareness of this we can start to truly understand rather than absorb it all like a sponge causing illness within our own bodies.

  58. I get this, poisoning ourselves, I can feel it if I react to something, the emotions flood my body and they feel toxic, if I observe life more I do not react I instead know what is needed. Less doubt, complication and delay. Emotions poison us, so important to not assuming things are normal but rather honour how we feel, and what supports us instead of churning and entertaining thoughts and behaviours that harm is.

    1. We often refer to cutting toxic people out of our lives, those who create drama and issues and make life more difficult and well, toxic – but we don’t apply the same thinking to ourselves and our own toxic behaviours that need to be cut out just as much

      1. Great point – we can cut out many relationships in an attempt to heal, but without looking at the relationship with ourselves we can not truly heal. It can feel true to choose to say ‘no more’ to someone, but unless we heal ourselves that toxicity comes with us, regardless of whether we are with them or not.

      2. Exactly – if it is something within us that seeks toxicity, complication, drama, issues, harming behaviours then that is what we will find and what will be drawn to us – when we deal with this it becomes ease to say no to anything or anyone in our lives that contributes toxically.

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