As a woman of 38 years I have a mixed complexion that today is very normal, even the norm with the continuing integration of races, nationalities and cultures.
As a child growing up though, this was not quite so and ‘Skin Colour’ itself was a distinct theme which over the years had created a distinct sense of minority, inferiority, disadvantage, exclusion but also inclusion. And tainted by background or class, it seeded a supremacist ideal to spoil any ease or joy being felt or lived…
From a visual perspective I remember my looks confusing as much as fascinating and sparking wonder from people. I would get things like “…with that sounding name, where are you from?” and then they’d ask again “no, I mean where are you originally from?” And when I’d give the exact same reply to the first question, the third question came, “oh ok, but where are your parents actually from?”…
Such wonder makes sense given that my four grandparents are each from four different nationalities and in addition, they birthed and raised their children (my parents) not in their own country of nationality – so I’m a mix of White Russian, Polish, North Indian and French Seychelles nationalities, with Italy and East Africa being the places of birth for my parents. And since I was born and raised in the UK that totals a representation of 7 countries. Such questions about ‘where I’m from’ never caused offense, and I’ve become quite good in reading faces and countering what people might ask (of) me, and by virtue have always felt it normal to explain myself to people, just as much as it was ‘normal’ to want to get people’s acceptance or approval – to be included.
‘Englishness’ as well as education was encouraged at home because of how it would lead to inclusion into society, the necessary laying of roots, safety, security and… ‘a good life’. In spite of all the different colours within our family, skin colour itself was never an issue and I felt we were all the same, i.e. ‘colour-less’. Yet at the same time was the sense that background, colour, or foreignness was somewhat of an obstacle, a taint, even cross to bear, which would lead to an experienced inequality in life.
Although I didn’t suffer much from racism growing up, and could feel more fondness from others in regards ‘my looks’, I nonetheless still felt indirect silent racism from some teachers, friends, friends’ parents and neighbours that had become intertwined with another plague – self-comparison between my siblings.
Post-university I began to work in London and see all the different nationalities. It felt great to blend in and to not stick out, and I started to enjoy and love my complexion because it allowed me to relate with people from all over the world, with many thinking I was ‘one of them’. Equally, blending in was a way to fit in and be easy with people, colleagues and friends, and I began to adjust myself in various ways like moderating my voice or accent depending on who I was with, my appearance or clothes, or the type of men I dated and had relationships with. Even for work purposes and to increase my ease in employability (as was very common in the late 90’s), I anglicised my name to ‘Sophie’ to fit in. To be English.
Amidst the typical social climbing through activities, respectable friends, dinner parties, introductions, VIP nightclub scenes, I always felt ‘an outsider’: not only with regards the skin colour and class but also in regards to education in not having attended the ‘right schools’, the ‘right universities’, with the ‘right degrees’, that brought life-long ‘right friendships’… to end up with the ‘right boyfriend’ and eventually the ‘right husband’ to father kids… Education was the key to winning favour and also others’ acceptance. They were things, or more conditions I had longed for yet could not attest in having, to end up internally feeling quite failed, though externally through outer presentation looking successful, independent and strong.
When a long-term relationship ended with a guy who had all ‘the right educational, family and societal standing’, every light shone on the falsity of the relationship and its foundation, which had not been based on any deep true love, but more an idealised version from ‘right’ images that sat upon a pile of personal hurt and frustrations.
Experiencing senses of inferiority, inequality, or not feeling good enough for my partner, I saw that just by wanting ‘that right background’ in order to feel accepted, I only added to the inequality and supremacy that had been stinging its separatist tail for a very long time…
In 2006 I met Serge Benhayon: everything started to make sense as I spoke to him of my tension – “I just don’t belong or fit in anywhere”, “I feel no allegiance to any country”, “I don’t know why I was born into a family with such roots… which I love, but at the same time also do not”. Serge presented to me that it was to show me what I already did know; that the Soul knows no country, border, race or nationality i.e. confirming that my diverse racial heritage is what breaks down the belief that where we are from, matters. That to Soul it matters not which part of the earth we are from because where we are all from, and where we all belong to, is the same place – love.
Since that meeting, and over the years up until today in 2012, through continuing as a student with Universal Medicine and with healing many of the injurious hurts and afflictions, I realised that the insecurities or ‘outer shells’ I held about myself – colour, class, background, education, religion, nationality, and culture – had been keeping me separate, divided from everyone else. That they had not resulted in the very one thing I had truly longed for, which was to feel, and be, unified.
Furthermore, the ideals and beliefs I had exhaustively given my energy to, spawned issues of low self-worth, trust and confidence, and had given rise to an inflated sense of self or arrogance that stemmed from an initial sense of not ever being ‘good enough’ based upon ‘my background or upbringing’. And that if I was holding such notions of myself, I realised how I’d been tarring with the same insecurity brush all those I met, viewing them with the exact same judgment and criticism I placed upon myself…
Through developing the inner-most part of myself and self-accepting the beauty of this – as opposed to accepting the ugliness of the outer layers and impositions that only led to all the worldly differences and divisions of ‘outer shells’ – I completely transformed how I lived and held myself in life, with more ease and acceptance. Wholly embracing not just my own background and presentation but also others’ too in appreciation, knowing (contrary to before) that it really and truly doesn’t matter when it comes to Love. That although insult or racism can be hurtful, such attacks are only ever made to that outer shell (shells that we ourselves uphold), and dent not the inner-most natural part of us, the esoteric.
The esoteric way naturally makes sense and it is the most freeing way to be and to live life – and, from my own experience, living from all those outer shells in which everything gets personalised and made: “all about our colour, country, school, race, where we’re from, or not from” etc., are only excuses that serve to turn us away from love, and where we’re truly from – heaven…
It’s only really very recently that Serge Benhayon’s words in that first esoteric healing session made completed sense to me and it is with this reminder I am forever graced by the true love and magic that I am; that we all are.
by ZS, UK