Pornography, Internet & Sex – An Insight into a Distorted World

by Anonymous

Thirty plus years ago I was seven years old when I found a huge pile of pornographic magazines at our family home in the UK. They were stacked in a fireplace behind an old welsh dresser. I was assisting my mother in cleaning out the old dresser that was no longer wanted in our house. When we found them there was no discussion, no normalizing of the situation, but ignorance and a quiet ‘they’re your father’s magazines’. Submissive really, and yet something in me was fascinated. I was hooked and wanted to see and read more. The challenge was getting back to the magazines in secret! How is it possible that at the age of seven I knew that I could get something from them? It wasn’t that it was sexual at that stage: a fascination it could be dubbed. However, there is something much more sinister here looking back… there was already an inbuilt program wanting to be refuelled for this lifetime. And it started so early.

And so it continued, I would read and look and formulate and contemplate all manner of things. I remember this need then to have sex as soon as I could. To fulfill all of those desires that other men had fulfilled with sexy full breasted women. Interestingly, whenever I saw women in public places displayed in such a way, e.g. in the Sun Newspaper that my father would buy every day, the page three made me cringe. There was a lot here to be with, there was a secret growing inside that only I could know about. So externally there was a different card played. Sneaky, huh?! And yet this feeling was so strong that this was all wrong and yet I could not get myself out of the way. It felt overpowering.

Growing up then, the magazines disappeared over time and I felt more normal about girls. Teenage years brought up more tangible wants and needs and these were never going to be filled by the girls at school. Note that this could not be true, but I had had my every thought and ideal about women and what they would bring me and how I would make love to them so well. I had no idea of the consequences of what my early years’ exposure to this material would bring. This distortion of a whole gender would affect me deeply.

I knew women through images and stories made from men’s minds and so those mental images, pictures, stories of sexual conquest would start to surface, very subtly, disrupting and colouring the relationships I had with young women throughout school.

My first real sexual experience at the age of sixteen was with a girl whom I stayed in a relationship with for three years. Interestingly, I allowed the girl to dictate the pace of the sexual relationship, again a theme here, like being mothered along. It felt great to be wanted and there the nail was hit. It was the need to be wanted that led to the way my relationships formed. In observation, the sexual part of the relationship disintegrated for me very quickly – there was a time in the relationship that it became ‘pedestrian’, boring and underwhelming. It did not live up to the images I had formed in my head from the many images and stories I had read and viewed. The physical could not keep up with the mental stories I had been playing out. So what then was dictating my love life, which was never enough it seemed? It was not love of the person or indeed the person at all, but other energies that had me by the balls (pun necessary).

It exposed over time this dependence on mental pictures, thoughts and constructs on women; what sex was, lovemaking, relationships, how did women look, did I like that? Why not? She looks nice? Categorizing their ‘do-ability’ with other men, living in the pack that literally was only judging a woman by how much she would give out or give up. Would she live up to what we had all seen on a porn screen or in a porn magazine?!

This whole perspective on life felt dreadful, yet at the time was accepted and lived by all I knew. Regular contact with people in my line of work was so prevalent that even female customers were judged and given priority depending on attractiveness, how they looked, the attention that was potentially there, to have fun with, to control. Who they truly were was not considered!

It was all about what they were; a body, and a potential sexual conquest. Connections built on imagery and one-train thoughts, not from a loving space but a headspace corrupted with stuff I carried around with me day in and day out from a very young age.

The understanding that a man could just ‘be’ a man with a woman based on truth did not exist in my world. The connection to love at that time had been completely severed, or so it seemed.

Marriage came, and yet my life was still running a lie. When I needed to deal with something I chose alcohol and/or drugs, and was still falling back on porn to bolster an image I had of a man, that he could do whatever he wanted as he was the king.

This out of control way of life just kept rolling on, and yes it was dramatic and crazy, but not in a good way. Sadly, I recall saying that I would keep ‘going out and living this way throughout my life’, perpetuating the lie that living this way was free and easy and no-one could tell me what to do or how to behave. The key was that notion – thinking that I was thinking – when in fact I was not and had no idea what was making me, or propelling me through constant misery with a little ‘high’ scattered here and there, like crumbs to satisfy and keep the ‘dream’ alive.

Right through my marriage I was using pornography: sporadically yes, but it was there as a ’go to’ relief and problem solver. There was a recent article written that describes how this must feel for a woman in this situation (The Harm of Pornography). It is to a tee an exact copy of what went on. I recall the pressure that comes with bringing this energy into a relationship and imposing this onto the other person. How they must feel to be manipulated into using such imagery on the basis that it will make the partner happier, easier to be with, and all the stories – ‘not really my thing, but harmless enough’. At one point my wife explored it with me; however, this was short lived and not a great point in our lives.

So what was the motivation to continue? It had gotten so out of control that at one point it was not about gratification at all but about getting relief from the world, my days, the constant and endless pushing through and not coping. Not enjoying getting up and working, not loving being at home in my marriage, not handling the abuse I perpetually put myself through. I just needed out of all of it, and could not find another way.

It took a lot to one day say ‘I am never going to drink coffee again’. It started with that claim, and then started to slowly grow. Next it was alcohol and drugs. This took a while but it happened because I committed to it. Then, as if I had opened the door just ever so slightly, the light darted out. It was shining as brightly as it could through all the stuff I had layered on top of it, and I knew that it could all be so different. That light gave me the access to a couple of healing practitioners who really started to help me heal myself, to show me that there was a loving way of simply being in my body, in my life with all of these thoughts that essentially were not me. ‘Incidentally’, pornography was one of the last things to go. It was as if it had become so normal that I did not consider it an issue, and yet with my closest friends I could not admit the extent of the problem that underlined my every move.

It isn’t that pornography is bad per se, it is that it gave me the images and ‘fantasies’ I then expected, no, I demanded of the opposite sex to live up to, to fulfill as if it was their duty to do so.

I remember sitting in front of my healing practitioner at the time and just crying and sobbing, because when I named that pornography had been with me since age 7 I could feel the hold over me and how much I had let it control me, no different to addictive, illicit drugs. I was frightened that this had been exposed.

And yet it wanted to own me, control me as a man, what a man looked like, thought like, talked like. How that man was in relationships with women, with men, with children, with my family. Everything was tainted and nothing really me at all. I was constantly worrying about what others thought of me because this part of my life was not right on any level. Yet at the same time I could be the great friend, or the steadfast, achieving employee. Ticking all the boxes in a world full of boxes.

With this honesty came an opportunity to accept that what I really wanted all of that time that I was using pornography was the intimate knowing that I am enough. That I am a loving being that has the great capacity to love and be loved. That the love I have for myself needs to be felt and valued, honoured and cherished by me first… and then taken out into the world so that others get a glimpse of the love that they are.

My marriage at the time ended not because of pornography, or alcohol or drugs, the arguments, the disagreements or the marital abuse that I let myself be under for ten plus years. No, the marriage ended because I started to clean out all of that which I no longer wanted in my life and the other person could not accept that this could be true or possible, and that life could not be like this – actually loving and truly tender. They struggled with the fact that it is absolutely possible to turn everything around with a choice.

There has been much support in this growth over the past years by Universal Medicine. The workshops and healing courses presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal medicine have allowed me to feel absolutely how loving we all are as a human race and how glorious it is to feel the possibility of everyone accepting that love. The work on self continues in a loving exposé of that which is not love, gently and without perfection or judgment. It’s not that Serge Benhayon tells anyone what to do – that he certainly does not. It is a case of fact that the whole basis of the teachings Serge presents are there to support your innermost truths. It is like the inner-wrestling is over and the need for vices to justify our hidden turmoil no longer has its un-admitted control over you.

So what is it that leads a person to be born into a house where there is already a use of pornography as a foundation? Where there is loveless-ness already present? Could it be possible that the person had used sexual imagery, abuse and control through sex before, and was potentially picking up where they left off?

I can’t help but acknowledge that there have been many unloving ways to feel and learn from in this lifetime, made up of so many different lives, that this has helped me to break a momentum that was not allowing harmony in me and therefore the potential of harmony out there in the world. Not a huge jump, just one person accepting that change is possible, when there are so many who do not. But that’s the point; we all have to start with one small step, and sometimes that’s hard when all we have done is walk the other way many, many times over.

The advent of smartphone technology and computers, internet and seemingly instant access to the world, has given rise to the rife and despicable invasion upon all ages of pornography and images that depict sex in its most base forms. There is no illusion here that the world is under moral attack.

A recent article in the UK via the Independent newspaper highlighted this issue and the groundswell of this industry to such proportions that it appears that the world is being bombarded with such material in order to ‘normalize’ it. Effectively, the amount of pornographic material constantly washing over the world has for some time started to stick. And how is the fabric of our society coping?

How is it possible that internet pornography can be so common that the average age of a child when they see their first pornographic image is eleven? Some as young as eight are exposed! Did you know that the Internet, that tool we so heavily regard as part of our lives, is used 25% of the time to trawl for porn. And according to statistics 30,000 people are looking at porn at any given second.

Pornography has been around for a long time in various forms, so what is the fascination with this subject matter, and why now is there seemingly an explosion throughout all age groups for its use? What is happening in people’s lives that we need to view the sexual acts of strangers in order to feel something, even if that thing we feel is a different stimulated state of being, an arousal of a base nature?

Is it possible that over time and with the access to technology that ‘real human behaviour’ is now available for us all to feel, see and reel from. The fact that we have access to this stuff now is no different from times before, although seemingly more accessible because of TV, phones, DVDs etc. Has human behavior shifted, or are we seeing the truth more clearly?

Is it possible that the truth of the situation has become more ’ballsy’ (pun intended), ‘out there’ and ‘in your face’, because over time we have saturated ourselves with a need for our ‘individual’ rights to cover up our ills?

Is the issue that we fix an ill already in place that has not been identified? The ill that hides the true state of the human being and one that needs constant quelling through behaviours that in their conception are anti-social, yet if you get enough people championing them, their unacceptability is eventually eroded and they become weaved throughout the very fabric of society. Accepted, not by all and yet accepted all the same.

Is it possible that throughout the ages we have chosen, as a collective, to distort this societal fabric? The lack of responsibility from one generation to the next has over time compounded and essentially created a new foundation for this subverted and ‘monster like stuff’ to have its place, however low down the chain it may appear to be. The masses allow it. Does this not then speak more about us not dealing with our inner turmoils than it does about being liberal on sex? Yes, I am all for freedom of expression when making love, sex is deeply beneficial for us when it is making love, but that freedom to sexually express ought to come with the true honoring of the partner involved. They are not our source of ‘relief’ and neither are they our source of justifying our needs, whatever they are for each of us.

And, whether it be ‘porn’, drugs, alcohol or sexual slavery etc, is it possible that if this occurs in our world, are we not missing the actual point that over time this compounding state of human degradation is actually a reflection of all of our individual choices, day in day out and moment by moment? Have we all truly chosen what we felt to be true, or have we contributed by not speaking up, not having our say, not saying NO?

Reference:
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/features/the-day-my-11yearold-sonfound-violent-porn-on-the-web-8555595.html

Related Reading
PORN – An Addiction Worth Talking About
The Harm of Pornography

232 thoughts on “Pornography, Internet & Sex – An Insight into a Distorted World

  1. I have so much respect for your honesty here, what I find fascinating is that porn changed the way you saw women and what you expected of them. Imagine how rife porn is and how many men are equally effected by the same misconception. It seems to me that things like porn or alcohol are not as innocent as we like to make out and that they could actually deeply effect not only all our relationships but our fundamental perception of the world.

  2. I remember at about the same age being at a friend’s house and coming across her father’s collection of porn magazines in an old dresser in his office, which I might add he kept under lock and key. My friend had caught a glimpse of these in her office and hatched a plan when I was visiting to investigate. We snuck the key off her father’s keychain when he wasn’t looking and waited for him to leave. We then snuck in and began to immerse ourselves, as young girls, into a world of images that scream at you to deny your own sacred femaleness and perform instead to the dictates of a society that has been led astray from the divine preciousness we each in essence are. It was a life changing moment but not in a good way. It is only now as a 42 year old woman and mother to two young girls that I am beginning to reconnect with this sacredness and listen to this inner voice instead of the external voice that seeks to shape us into all that we are not.

  3. The moment we make love about anything less than the love we know it is and can be then we are accepting less. We are essentially saying I am ok with a lesser version of love and then we get it caught up in the mix with sex and physical attraction and relief which have nothing to do with love. I know for myself the moment I come back to the love that I am nothing outside of this love is any greater, sure it is amazing to share this with a partner intimately but it can be done at any and every moment in the day not just the bedroom. But because we do not live this level of love we then get tantalised by things like porn as we override what we know and we then can easily get a desire and a sense of wanting relief from the tension of not living the love we are.

  4. Since reading this yesterday, I have a strong sense of how we are changed as children when we come across pornographic magazines, and how this can affect us as women and men and how we see ourselves. It could result in disconnection to our own body parts and the relationship we have with them. When I was ten years old, I had access to a medical book all about the human body. Couples having sex were drawn in this book but what I remember most was how compelled I was to look at the pictures when my parents were out, and this in itself came with a thrill of being found out. There was always a sense of hiding, not getting caught and a guilty feeling. Not a good start in life.

  5. Our society is so saturated with pornographic images, is it any wonder that young men and young women get the idea that this is what you do and this is how you behave. In reality, being with someone else does not live up to the images we are fed and run with. As a result, we avoid a true connection based on love.

  6. It was great to name the sneakiness, the addictiveness and the shame that surrounds pornography use. With this melting pot, along with all the pictures it feeds us about how intimate relationships should be, we are doomed to be unfulfilled and live way less than the love that we are in relationship.

  7. A great blog Thanks Anon.
    With porn like all other addictions it can control you as think you are getting the intimacy /stimulation without the having to be open,transparent, truly intimate or challenged by another in the flesh so to speak.
    On a energetic level with so many lost or contracted fellow brothers missing true connection with themselves/others and the porn stars also the same, but wanting approval/recognition, also maybe victims of abuse or perpetuators of sexual abuse. There is a cycle repeating itself with a huge chain of supply and demand that is circulating waiting for more and; more players to join the game so to speak.
    To top it off human greed – control and manipulation of others through human trafficking – (modern day slavery), and the drug industry make it a very seedy but profitable business for many of the people at the top. But lets think more about the root cause – with out the demand there wouldn’t need to be such a big supply.

  8. We often think that something no longer affects us because it was so long ago but that is not the case, and porn is a great example of one of those energy configurations in the body which can own us. We may see it as a harmless thing that we do or something that we keep secret, but it is designed to stop us from truly connecting with others because it colours our perceptions of ourselves and others. This blog clearly spells out how the thinking can be distorted by the energy porn comes with and is a hundred miles away from a truly loving connection.

  9. Thank you anonymous for this deeply revealing and honest blog, raising many questions that need to be asked about this taboo subject. Decency and respect begin where porn ends. We need to understand our deeper motivations, feelings of deep emptiness and lack of intimacy within our lives for a start.

  10. There’s so much you offer here in this very honest offering, Anonymous. Thank you. What strikes me is the fact that we can all feel the off-ness even though we have normalized and accepted much ill in our life, but in addressing ‘issues’ we want to fix them but we don’t really want to admit that we have played a part in that and look at the root causes.

  11. We cannot clean up the mess (pun intended) if we are not prepared to see or admit to the mess in full. Thank you Anonymous for your honest blog and the questions you have raised for us all as we are all part of society and hence all have a responsibility in this, whether we do porn or not.

  12. Basic decency and respect are the cornerstones of our society but on every level porn breaches those values at the expense of our quality of relationships with ourselves and others

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