Breaking the Pattern of Abuse by Dealing with Childhood Sexual Abuse

by Anonymous, NSW

When I was 7 years old, my mum’s then boyfriend sexually abused me. I told mum at the time, and her response was… “He was only trying to make you feel good”. I never spoke of the event again until I was 18.

When I brought up my childhood sexual abuse at 18, my mother said she could not remember a thing and also said that it had never happened. I felt deeply hurt and very sad that my mother did not accept that I was speaking the truth. All I ever wanted from her was to acknowledge that the sexual abuse did happen, rather than pretend that it didn’t.

As an adult I know what is true and there is no need for anyone else to get it, but as a child I was either silent and never spoke about it or I wanted my mum to own up and take responsibility for not being there for me as a child, for not listening to me when I was 7 and needing her to support me rather than just try and brush it away.

SPOTTING THE PATTERN OF ABUSE AND MOVING ON

What I am realising now is that I have really been stuck in that childhood abuse issue, I have identified with it and held onto it. I have blamed my mother for the abuse and not really accepted what happened and moved on from it.

It feels to me that I have had this same experience over and over, in different ways, where I find myself in a situation where I know I am speaking the truth, but I am confronted with the sad fact that I am not believed.

My mother has disowned me several times in my life. However, on each occasion she would then slowly come back into my life, through emails and phone calls. She was very honest with me recently, confessing she only stays in contact so that she has access to my daughter – her granddaughter.

My mum was also molested as a child. I understand that she was not supported either, so it is possible that she too is holding all the pain and sadness within her. Perhaps it was the same for her.

I know that her mother too was physically abused by my grandfather – on one occasion, for wearing lipstick at 16, he hit her over the head with a pitchfork. She was probably not supported or given the opportunity to feel and heal her own wounds, so she probably would have not been able to provide any support for my mother.

And so it appears the same pattern continues down through generations because no one has chosen to break the pattern of abuse, and often the sadness and pain seem like too much to look at. 

In the past I could feel how much mum would have preferred if I buried all the sexual abuse from her boyfriend away and maybe dealt with it in a way that did not involve her – perhaps even cover it all with alcohol and drugs, which I did for many years until I decided that this was NOT the way forward: that I did not have to follow in mum’s footsteps and that I could break a very old pattern of not dealing with abuse.

DEALING WITH THE ABUSE ISSUE 

Many women these days (and many men) have been subjected to sexual abuse of some form. (For further reference see Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse and Creeps…Statistics and My Story). When we deny it, and bury it, it seems to stay with us forever. If we bury it, brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s not there, it just festers and rots and it does affect us in so many ways; in how we trust people (or don’t), and in how we are in all our relationships.

I have sometimes wondered if Mum might find confronting the fact that I am aware of my issues and I am dealing with them, because this could potentially expose the reality that she is not choosing that for herself… and really that’s okay, because it is her choice, and I honour this. I am learning to accept. I have always wanted the best for my mum, and in saying that, I have always tried to save her, take her home when she was drunk, solve her problems for her, rather than just allow her to be. I probably also buried this hurt of mine so as to not hurt her.

It’s not that I no longer care, it’s more that I have realised that I can only be responsible for my part; in trying to save her, I was not allowing her to take full responsibility for her part.

It is never easy to lift up the carpet, so to speak, and look at all the mess we left under there, but when we make the time to feel the hurt, get honest and take responsibility for our part in it as well as being more accepting of where others were at, then we create a space and an opportunity to move on from that hurt. The memory can stay with us, but it won’t be like a splinter in our foot, hurting us every time we take a step.

I have been opening a can of worms over the last 3 years – really being honest with what happened when I was sexually abused and how I feel about it.

The sexual abuse I experienced so early in my childhood life affected me hugely and the way I relate to people in so many ways, well into my adulthood. 

I felt sad for the little girl whose mum was too drunk and on drugs to listen to and be there for her. But this has been changing, slowly…

LEARNING TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY WITH MY SEXUAL ABUSE EXPERIENCE

What I have learnt from having sessions with Esoteric Healing practitioners and from courses with Universal Medicine is that I do not have to stay in that sadness anymore. I may feel sad at times, but what if that is just showing me that there are still some issues that I have not dealt with fully and that I really have been an expert at burying my hurts?

I have come to understand that:

  • I am not that sadness, that it’s just an emotion I am experiencing.
  • What other people decide is their choice and I cannot control that. I can only be responsible for my choices and how I am with me.
  • I do not need to accept abuse in my life anymore and that I am worthy of love.

As a result of my childhood experience of sexual abuse I kept people out of my life and stayed really quite separate and alone for a long time in an illusion that it would keep me safe and I wouldn’t be able to get hurt again.

Even though I have had counselling and have spoken about my childhood sexual abuse, up until recently I was still stuck in the hurt of it all. I felt that I was a victim, and I was choosing to stay in it. It may sound strange, but I was so used to identifying with being a victim that there was a part of me that was holding onto it rather than releasing it and seeing it as a thing of the past.

Since having healing sessions with Michael Benhayon and other Universal Medicine practitioners, as well as attending courses presented by Serge Benhayon, I have been inspired to take more loving care of myself; to deal with my hurts instead of choosing to bury them with alcohol, drugs or even from eating or whatever activity it is that I did to not feel, or to distract myself from feeling.

My regular sessions with Universal Medicine practitioners have given me the commitment and a greater feeling of self-worth to work through this old issue. I have been able to come such a long way with how I feel about this issue.

I have now come to realise that keeping myself separate and not letting other people’s love in or letting my love out is what has hurt me the most.

Today I feel that I no longer carry all the hurt and anger that I did in the past.

I no longer live in the state of RAGE that once was a normal part of my life.

I am no longer a victim.

I do not blame my mother and I am no longer mad at her, instead I have accepted her as the beautiful woman that deep down she is.

Having healed this long held issue that I have carried with me for 27 years, I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is why I am now ready to share my experience and write it as it is.

The journey has not been easy, but I do not regret a thing. I feel so grateful to Serge Benhayon and his family for everything they have shared with me.

One thing that has changed dramatically is that in the past I have not felt that comfortable around men, but since meeting Serge and Michael Benhayon I have come to realise that there are some true gentle men in the world. Their high level of integrity, their supportive and non-invasive ways of communicating with me have given me a place to trust men again and to feel very much at ease in the presence of men – something I had never imagined possible after my childhood sexual abuse experience.  

Inspired by the work of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon.

229 thoughts on “Breaking the Pattern of Abuse by Dealing with Childhood Sexual Abuse

  1. So beautiful and deeply healing to read Anonymous, thank you for sharing, especially this line – ‘I have now come to realise that keeping myself separate and not letting other people’s love in or letting my love out is what has hurt me the most.’ Very true and I am sure many of us have experienced this as I know I did for most of my life, thanks to Serge Benhayon who has consistently presented to heal what hurts us, my life has changed enormously since addressing the hurts in my own life and learning to let them go has been key to deepening my own love and to truly heal.

  2. “He was only trying to make you feel good” – that is beyond outrageous. It is wonderful that you are starting to get your trust back after all this time and that you are able to love your mother despite her shortcomings in the mothering department. Well done sharing this, so much abuse never gets talked about and so people don’t get to feel the devastating consequences that are often life long.

  3. This is deeply healing to read your journey. We all have been hurt growing up in one way or another. Not to diminish your experience of abuse, Anonymous. But to be inspired by it and the possibility to heal. Allowed to love and be loved. That our experiences does not define who we are. We are by far bigger and better. Well done in breaking the generations of abuse in your lineage. May you, your daughter and your future granddaughters be eternally blessed for it. As are all who you inspire with your reflections.

  4. ‘I have now come to realize that keeping myself separate and not letting other people’s love in or letting my love out is what has hurt me the most.’
    That is very true what you write here, very beautiful.
    As being sexual abused myself my life was always in disbalance and always unsure about myself. But the thing is I didn’t know anymore that I was abused, i had burried it deep within me and it effected my every day life without knowing that.It was that my soul started to give dreams some years ago which started to shake things up and finally came to the surface to feel and heal with the support of Serge Benhayon. This was my biggest healing ever. A complete life change. It had cost me so much to press it away for so long, whole my body was shaking from the release and since then i was much more steady in life.Even I had to work on a lot of patterns I lived ingrained because of this past but that was oke. Also I know a woman who aslo had pressed it away so deep that she found out by a car accident, by the smash moment what was really there in the past. She got it all up because the smash. Isn’t that showing us something? Can it be that there is happened much more sexual abuse then we think in stats there is. Can it be that many of us live with that experience in their body whole their life?
    This is so great why those modalities delivered by Universal Medicine are there for us all.
    And indeed so, it is such a gift in my life to meet the Benhayon men as I feel so relaxed to be with them, there is no ounce of sexual or imposing energy towards me when I am with them and that I never experienced form men in my life before. This is very healing. Last year I had a session with Michae and he looked at me when I was sharing things and i just cried and cried, just because he looked with so much love and no ounce of imposing energy. A true friend just there for me.

    1. I imagine there are a lot of people who have had horrific experiences and their only way to cope was to completely forget but like you say, their bodies would be holding the trauma from that and then their life is forever effected by it. It is great when there is support and a safe place to open up and work on these past traumas, no matter how big or small they are because they each affect us differently.

  5. Anonymous, truly beautiful to read and feel how, that by you taking responsibility to heal your hurts around your childhood sexual abuse, you have brought healing to this patterns of abuse within your ancestral line and stopped it from scaring future generations of your family. This is truly worth appreciating and celebrating.

    1. Ah yes, I do so appreciate that I worked through this and that I no longer carry this massive weight of baggage with me everyday. Now when I do think about it, which is rare other than when I read comments, I realise that this now seems like a thing from a past life.

  6. “It may sound strange, but I was so used to identifying with being a victim that there was a part of me that was holding onto it rather than releasing it and seeing it as a thing of the past.” This is wonderfully honest and it is this honesty that supports us to let go of being a victim and allow ourselves to take responsibility for ourselves.

    1. Thank you Elizabeth, with honesty we can change anything but without it we are only trying to fool everyone, even ourselves.

  7. This is such an important topic to share about. I had many abuse in my life and I tried to work it out with the people later in life. But that was not the way. It is not about asking the other to take responsibility about what they did. It is about dealing with it in ourselves. The modalities being teached by Universal Medicine are amazing supportive to heal those issues. I released some very deep hurts/trauma’s in 15 minutes. To feel it, to have a cry and just to release it from the body.

  8. I wasn’t sexually abused as a child but did experience other forms of abuse and have also chosen to be a victim and go into blame for most of my life. The thing is, it got in the way of every relationship I have had, it affected my work, how much I showed myself and kept the cycle of doubt and not good enough going round and round. Seeing the choices I had made and why, was like sun shining on a flower, I was able to stand up tall and blossom once again without believing there was anything that I needed to shrink for… this has and is a work in progress. My extremely serious look on life has changed phenomenally from meeting Serge Benhayon and all the Benhayon family and practitioners.

    1. Thanks for opening up and shining like a flower Aimee, I would love to hear more of your story. So many stories we all have, that are kept secret yet so many of us have them and when we share and discuss them it can be a healing for everyone.

  9. Very interesting how you share about the abuse in your family did happen from generation to generation again – like thread or a theme. Shows me how we are like on a rail going around – till one brings in a switch, a change that breaks the cycle we are circulating in.

    1. True Sandra. I come from a long line of alcohol and other abuses in various generations and threads of my family, but what i have come to feel is that with the awareness I have and the love for myself that I am living and deepening day by day, the abuse in my family stops with me. I have the power, and the responsibility to cut it and make sure it does not continue.

      1. Go for it sister! It all starts with us. We don’t need to blame, or wait for another, we can be the change, we can start today… no matter what our past holds.

  10. I totally agree when you say when you bury an issue it just festers and rots.

    That’s why quick fixes such as over eating, junk food or distractions can relieve the pain temporarily, however, it will need constant feeding of distractions to remain buried.

    Until such a point it can’t be buried any longer.

    1. and such points often errupt like a violent volcano only because we have let them build and build and build until it can no longer be hidden or numbed with this or that substance.

  11. This is a beautiful story of healing and a great testimonial to Universal Medicine and the tremendous love and care they offer people, giving many the opportunity to let go of old hurts and have a fresh start, free from the emotional devastation they were in. What is offered by Serge Benhayon and his business Universal Medicine is of unfathomable value to humanity.

    1. It sure is, and Universal Medicine is available to anyone who wants to change, or needs support, no matter who you are, where you come from or what your story is. There is no judgement, just love.

      1. So true Rosie, I never felt judged by Universal Medicine practitioners, no matter what I presented to them, the only person judging was me, but I was even able to let that self-judgement go over time and accept and love myself a lot more.

      2. Yes letting go of the self judgement is a big thing, and the more we let go of judgement towards ourselves, the less we will judge others too. It starts with us first.

  12. The enormity of the impact, the knock-on effect, that any form of abuse has upon generation after generation is clearly demonstrated in your story. Thank you for sharing your journey of how you took responsibility to open up ‘old wounds’, heal them and in so doing, break a lengthy cycle of abuse within your family.

    1. Thank you Tamara, in reading your comment, I can see how my choice to heal and deal with what was there has had an effect on many and I hadn’t quite fully appreciated that.

      1. Absolutely you will have changed the next generation of your family as the cycle of bury and deny is now over.

  13. I have been avoiding reading this and other articles related to sexual abuse. I stopped this morning and as I read your article – with the incredible shift that you have been prepared to work through in your own life – I could feel why. It’s not that I have been sexually abused as a child at all, but I can feel how I have allowed myself to be treated as a women. I have had sex with people I didn’t want to and thought, Oh I’ll just get this over and done with. I now understand that abuse takes many forms and our experiences are there to show us that we always do have the opportunity to make new choices. Our mistakes are just that are are not for us to hold onto, but for us to learn, understand and then grow as people. So thank you I understand myself a little more deeply today.

    1. Your response is so honest… and I can relate and have had sex when I haven’t wanted to all just to be liked and in truth it never worked so it was abusive to myself and to the man because I wasn’t honest. So much we can change when we are honest and not caught up in emotions.

  14. This is a beautiful sharing that confirms we are never that far away from the love within our heart. We need only let down the walls we have erected to keep others out under the guise that these walls ‘keep us safe’, when really they are but a fortress to bury all our hurt in. Learning to dismantle these walls is a confronting process as in it we need to feel all that we felt, but did not want to feel, when erecting them. Once this is nominated, it can be released and once released, all that has owned us that is not of the great love that we are, dissolves in the light of who we truly are.

    1. This is such a powerful comment Liane. Love it. When we are in our power and connected, what is not love dissolves in the light of who we are. So true.

  15. It is rare for anyone to want to venture under the carpet to feel and address what lay beneath, so I love the raw and honest journey you have taken of responsibility and acceptance to step forward in life no longer being held back by what lay before…. and in doing so reflect to others, inspirationally so, another way of being that doesn’t involve being a victim not matter what has happened.

  16. Beautifully shared Anonymous. It is so clear to me that we only hurt ourselves when we choose to identify with being a victim. It is true that we have every right to be angry and sad but we also have the right to choose joy. I have never been able to get to joy by sweeping things under the carpet. When we allow ourselves to feel exactly how we are impacted and then let it go we set ourselves free.

    1. We only hurt ourselves if we stay in the victim mode and it is exhausting to hold onto anger, frustration and sadness. Carrying that load around with you all your life is heavy in more ways than weight.

  17. Well done Anonymous – you have shown that it is absolutely possible to break the cycle of destruction that abuse creates. When one person stands up and accepts responsibility for the quality of their own life and knows that they deserve only love they remind us all that we can do the same. Thank you.

    1. Yes, breaking that cycle takes a lot of courage. It means we have to shift away from blame even though blame can be very satisfying, though never nourishing to being responsible, even when we are the victim.

  18. What a beautiful sharing Anonymous; I so very much appreciate, and am inspired by, your story, your wisdom and the self loving choices you have made.

  19. I wrote this blog 7 years ago and today I re read it and can appreciate how much my life has changed since I no longer am identified as an abuse victim. The way in which I can now relate to men is totally different and I am a lot more open to trusting and letting people get to know me. It is awesome when we heal old issues and don’t let them own us anymore! Now that is true freedom.

  20. What your sharing reminds me Anonymous, is it does not matter what happens in life, in every scenario we all have a choice, to accept, to read, and understand or stay stuck in the idea that something took place just ‘by chance’. The later cuts off any healing on offer and keeps us stuck in a prison of something that has long past.

  21. What an incredible account of healing. What stands out for me is how you hold no blame or anger towards anyone. It must be a wonderful feeling to have healed such a traumatic event. This is very inspiring.

  22. Recently it’s been brought clearly to my awareness that abuse is not just the big incidents we typically think of. But it actually begins with the smaller things, the tone of voice, the intention we have, the manner we address or even the way that we touch. If any of this is done without true care for the other person and yourself, then already we are pursuing a course of harm. This in itself may sound extreme, but as you show Anonymous it actually makes so much sense as to how and when abuse turns up in our life, instead of as we usually think appearing just overnight. It begins and ends here with you and me, and the quality of energy we choose to let be.

    1. Beautifully said Joseph, and if we allow just a little abuse, just today because we have any need to be liked, or not to make a scene, we get numb too, and we allow a little more another day because we have done that in the past and at least no one is reacting. We have to speak up no matter what and even if it is just a bit of abuse, abuse is abuse and we don’t have to settle for any of that…no matter what.

  23. It’s so true that the greatest hurt of all is the one we inflict on ourselves by keeping ourselves separate from others. In doing so we are living in separation from ourselves too which is really agonising.

    1. Yes, and why are we not taught this as young children? It seems to me that it needs to be basic…as it is more important than learning how to spell or how to do sports etc.

  24. Hi Anonymous, I was listening yesterday to a radio talk back show on mental illness and how some of it can stem from abuse from our childhood and the feeling I got from what was being shared, that it was something that you could deal with and manage but not really truly heal from. And then I read this today and it was deeply inspiring, honest and incredibly courageous to read your story on how you have truly healed the abuse and the effects and am no longer the victim. It shows that there is another way, thank God for Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and all their healing modalities and practitioners.

    1. Thanks for sharing Sarah, I have noticed on Facebook and other areas lately that this is a hot topic and it seems almost that there needs to be a place to blame the mental health on… instead of looking a bit deeper. I just read an article on reincarnation and karma and that to me makes a whole lot more sense as to why we are abused in the first place or why we are born with or develop a mental health issue.

  25. While I understand the author is anonymous this is such a beautifully personal and powerful article on how to deal with things like these. The words in this article make so much sense and you can see how we strive to have others understand us, hear us or believe us and are hurt when this doesn’t happen. Yet this is something we can bring to ourselves so when we are faced with a situation like this again we can understand it more. It’s like when the same thing comes up, we speak and are not believed we go into proving or having the other person change and don’t often look back at ourselves also. Having been and still at times in this situation it’s always great to get it all out in the open rather then holding onto it like the author did for some 27 years from memory. It’s crazy what we carry and the time we do it for and this isn’t natural either, more a belief we are almost locked into. This article for me is a great road map for those looking to break the cycle of hurt they maybe in from the past. We carry things for that long that we believe they are us, when the truth of it is they are not, great article.

    1. Thank you Ray, I read this now and know this was not who I am and can see clearly how invested and lost I was to think that was who I was!
      I would have put my name to the article but had to respect my mothers wishes to not be identified. For me, I don’t mind as I have no shame about it at all.

      1. Like so many things in this life the more you are aware of the more you understand. Even without a name I can know understand this article and the people more deeply. There is no end though and the awareness and understanding we can feel and see always has a deeper level. I know there is a part of me that almost just wants to do what I need to to get it over the line and there is another part that can see that that is almost like a comfort thing, a feel better and not really heal. Unlike our author here who holds now none of the past experience as you can see, even after a long time carrying. Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and Michael Benhayon are truly making a difference to how we are in this world.

  26. We can feel hurt from one lifetime to the next so making the choice to heal our hurts not only clears our past but clears the way for our future too. A truly inspiring story – thank you for sharing.

    1. That is a good way to look at it Caroline. What ever we don’t deal with in this lifetime will still be with us in the next so I really appreciate that I won’t be carrying this issue with me.

  27. What you share is a new way forward when it comes to abuse. We can stay in a perpetual cycle of looking to outer for blame. No true healing can ever occur until we look at our own responsibility in the healing process.

    1. As I read your comment I realised that a lot of power and awesomeness comes when we heal and take responsibility of where we are at, so perhaps part of avoiding the healing, is avoiding our power. Now that I have gotten over that fear… and realise how sweet I am even in my power, there is no going back that is for sure!

      1. I hear you loud and clear Rosie, the more I feel my power, the more I feel the joy that comes when it is lived. No holding back now.

      2. Interesting is that when we feel that power and then we don’t live it, we also feel the massive effect it has on our body when we deny what we are here to bring!

  28. Very healing to read Anonymous, thank you. Though we may feel we are justified in being a victim – for whatever reason – it is only when we take responsibility for our lives that we are empowered to move on – and you have done this – which is awesome and a great reflection for others too.

  29. Inspiring sharing Anonymous, and yes it hurts when we are not listened to, believed, or understood, which brings me back to now bringing that deeper to myself.

    1. What I realise today is that it hurts even more when we don’t listen to what we know and feel and we override it to keep the peace or to please another.

  30. How great that you have broken this pattern for so many more than just yourself, ‘And so it appears the same pattern continues down through generations because no one has chosen to break the pattern of abuse, and often the sadness and pain seem like too much to look at.’ To take responsibility and heal our hurts is the way forward as you have shown in your life.

    1. Healing our hurts is the way the way to go, otherwise we are forever looking for ways to hide our feelings or to numb them so that we don’t have to feel them.

  31. I appreciate your courage to share you and your family’s abuse. It’s beautiful how open you are and the responsibility you are now choosing. What I find out being open with it all is people get to feel not only the flaws but more so your beauty. When your beauty is there to be seen it will be acknowledged. The key is to acknowledge this yourself to prevent any abuse.

  32. One of the saddest things in childhood is when we find out just how evil or even just inadequately behaving our parents can be in their actions. That can happen in a gross way through denying abuse or even acting in abuse and it can come out in smaller ways.

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