When I was 7 years old, my mum’s then boyfriend sexually abused me. I told mum at the time, and her response was… “He was only trying to make you feel good”. I never spoke of the event again until I was 18.
When I brought up my childhood sexual abuse at 18, my mother said she could not remember a thing and also said that it had never happened. I felt deeply hurt and very sad that my mother did not accept that I was speaking the truth. All I ever wanted from her was to acknowledge that the sexual abuse did happen, rather than pretend that it didn’t.
As an adult I know what is true and there is no need for anyone else to get it, but as a child I was either silent and never spoke about it or I wanted my mum to own up and take responsibility for not being there for me as a child, for not listening to me when I was 7 and needing her to support me rather than just try and brush it away.
SPOTTING THE PATTERN OF ABUSE AND MOVING ON
What I am realising now is that I have really been stuck in that childhood abuse issue, I have identified with it and held onto it. I have blamed my mother for the abuse and not really accepted what happened and moved on from it.
It feels to me that I have had this same experience over and over, in different ways, where I find myself in a situation where I know I am speaking the truth, but I am confronted with the sad fact that I am not believed.
My mother has disowned me several times in my life. However, on each occasion she would then slowly come back into my life, through emails and phone calls. She was very honest with me recently, confessing she only stays in contact so that she has access to my daughter – her granddaughter.
My mum was also molested as a child. I understand that she was not supported either, so it is possible that she too is holding all the pain and sadness within her. Perhaps it was the same for her.
I know that her mother too was physically abused by my grandfather – on one occasion, for wearing lipstick at 16, he hit her over the head with a pitchfork. She was probably not supported or given the opportunity to feel and heal her own wounds, so she probably would have not been able to provide any support for my mother.
And so it appears the same pattern continues down through generations because no one has chosen to break the pattern of abuse, and often the sadness and pain seem like too much to look at.
In the past I could feel how much mum would have preferred if I buried all the sexual abuse from her boyfriend away and maybe dealt with it in a way that did not involve her – perhaps even cover it all with alcohol and drugs, which I did for many years until I decided that this was NOT the way forward: that I did not have to follow in mum’s footsteps and that I could break a very old pattern of not dealing with abuse.
DEALING WITH THE ABUSE ISSUE
Many women these days (and many men) have been subjected to sexual abuse of some form. When we deny it, and bury it, it seems to stay with us forever. If we bury it, brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s not there, it just festers and rots and it does affect us in so many ways; in how we trust people (or don’t), and in how we are in all our relationships.
I have sometimes wondered if Mum might find confronting the fact that I am aware of my issues and I am dealing with them, because this could potentially expose the reality that she is not choosing that for herself… and really that’s okay, because it is her choice, and I honour this. I am learning to accept. I have always wanted the best for my mum, and in saying that, I have always tried to save her, take her home when she was drunk, solve her problems for her, rather than just allow her to be. I probably also buried this hurt of mine so as to not hurt her.
It’s not that I no longer care, it’s more that I have realised that I can only be responsible for my part; in trying to save her, I was not allowing her to take full responsibility for her part.
It is never easy to lift up the carpet, so to speak, and look at all the mess we left under there, but when we make the time to feel the hurt, get honest and take responsibility for our part in it as well as being more accepting of where others were at, then we create a space and an opportunity to move on from that hurt. The memory can stay with us, but it won’t be like a splinter in our foot, hurting us every time we take a step.
I have been opening a can of worms over the last 3 years – really being honest with what happened when I was sexually abused and how I feel about it.
The sexual abuse I experienced so early in my childhood life affected me hugely and the way I relate to people in so many ways, well into my adulthood.
I felt sad for the little girl whose mum was too drunk and on drugs to listen to and be there for her. But this has been changing, slowly…
LEARNING TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY WITH MY SEXUAL ABUSE EXPERIENCE
What I have learnt from having sessions with Esoteric Healing practitioners and from courses with Universal Medicine is that I do not have to stay in that sadness anymore. I may feel sad at times, but what if that is just showing me that there are still some issues that I have not dealt with fully and that I really have been an expert at burying my hurts?
I have come to understand that:
- I am not that sadness, that it’s just an emotion I am experiencing.
- What other people decide is their choice and I cannot control that. I can only be responsible for my choices and how I am with me.
- I do not need to accept abuse in my life anymore and that I am worthy of love.
As a result of my childhood experience of sexual abuse I kept people out of my life and stayed really quite separate and alone for a long time in an illusion that it would keep me safe and I wouldn’t be able to get hurt again.
Even though I have had counselling and have spoken about my childhood sexual abuse, up until recently I was still stuck in the hurt of it all. I felt that I was a victim, and I was choosing to stay in it. It may sound strange, but I was so used to identifying with being a victim that there was a part of me that was holding onto it rather than releasing it and seeing it as a thing of the past.
Since having healing sessions with Michael Benhayon and other Universal Medicine practitioners, as well as attending courses presented by Serge Benhayon, I have been inspired to take more loving care of myself; to deal with my hurts instead of choosing to bury them with alcohol, drugs or even from eating or whatever activity it is that I did to not feel, or to distract myself from feeling.
My regular sessions with Universal Medicine practitioners have given me the commitment and a greater feeling of self-worth to work through this old issue. I have been able to come such a long way with how I feel about this issue.
I have now come to realise that keeping myself separate and not letting other people’s love in or letting my love out is what has hurt me the most.
Today I feel that I no longer carry all the hurt and anger that I did in the past.
I no longer live in the state of RAGE that once was a normal part of my life.
I am no longer a victim.
I do not blame my mother and I am no longer mad at her, instead I have accepted her as the beautiful woman that deep down she is.
Having healed this long held issue that I have carried with me for 27 years, I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is why I am now ready to share my experience and write it as it is.
The journey has not been easy, but I do not regret a thing. I feel so grateful to Serge Benhayon and his family for everything they have shared with me.
One thing that has changed dramatically is that in the past I have not felt that comfortable around men, but since meeting Serge and Michael Benhayon I have come to realise that there are some true gentle men in the world. Their high level of integrity, their supportive and non-invasive ways of communicating with me have given me a place to trust men again and to feel very much at ease in the presence of men – something I had never imagined possible after my childhood sexual abuse experience.
Inspired by the work of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon.
By Anonymous, NSW
Sexual Assault, Sexual Abuse and Creeps…Statistics and My Story
Secrecy and sexual abuse in the church and schools, the impact of lawyers, and damage to asylum seekers
From Self-loathing to Self-love – Rediscovering my Inner Essence after Sexual Assault and Rape