I always thought that saying sorry was an admission of failure and a weakness, something to be avoided at all costs and derided when others said it. This was definitely learnt and reinforced at home and school. So, as a child I became artful at avoiding saying sorry, mastering all sorts of defensive and deceitful strategies simply to not say sorry, admit defeat or have my pride dented in any way.
This pattern of behaviour was fully entrenched by the time I reached adulthood and I can think of numerous situations when a mistake I had made was exposed and I would go into full ducking and diving mode, working fast to devise a way to divert the problem onto someone or something else.
What is flashing up for me now as I write is that this is what led to, or founded, my mastery of shirking responsibility.
Quite recently I have re-explored this – asking myself some pertinent and important questions.
This has come about because I started to notice that I am now saying sorry with ease; that it feels great and very opening in the relationship with the person I am saying sorry to and that, instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing.
I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.
I no longer want to shirk responsibility. I no longer want to avoid saying sorry.
And whilst these may appear small changes in my life, they are part of a bigger picture that has come about as I have worked with The Way of The Livingness – a way of life that empowers everyone to know that they are in their own driving seats, not only masters of their own lives but an integral, essential part of humanity and all of our wellbeing.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon, who introduced me to The Way of The Livingness 9 years ago. I had absolutely no idea how life-changing this was going to be. Simple and practical, the teachings have transformed every area of my life and for this I am hugely grateful.
By Matilda Bathurst, Registered Midwife & Nurse, Teacher and Mother of 3 boys, Hampshire, UK
Further Reading:
Reaction Vs Response
From Apologist to Confident
The need to Being Right
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
We all make mistakes, no perfection but a learning on offer. We are all aware of the sorry state of humanity and The Way of The Livingness presents a way for us all to heal and live in Brotherhood with each other.
Matilda I hear you, sorry is a word that I used to cringe about. There was a pride or an arrogance within me and I believe I picked that up from my father in particularly. As you’ve already stated, there was this believe that it ‘was an admission of failure and a weakness’. I however, have also observed the other way round too, where people apologised constantly, it kind of feels like they are apologising for being around, for being in your space.
When we are introduced to ‘The Way of the Livingness’, we realise there is more to life then what’s in front of us. It teaches us that everything is about a responsible way of living and that responsibility is in everything we do. Now that’s different to the old way of living…
Every aspect of life can be enriching as long as we adjust our livingness to one of deepening our connection with our Soul.
“The Way of The Livingness – a way of life that empowers everyone to know that they are in their own driving seats, not only masters of their own lives but an integral, essential part of humanity and all of our wellbeing.” – The Way of The Livingness is indeed an empowering experience to be lived each and every day.
A true apology is followed by a lived action which shows one has truly understood what step up in responsibility was being shown so one can learn and grow and be the role model that we all are.
Responsibility is important in our lives, ‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’
I agree Henrietta, when I make a mistake as such, I put the whole thing under a microscope and look at the scenario leading up to it. It gives me the opportunity to grow and learn from it, instead of blaming another. I take responsibility of my part that led me to that situation.
There is a humbleness in learning to say sorry in a way that does not diminish the grandness of who we are and holds all as equals. We cannot put ourselves down with any apology for the apology is simply saying oops I did not live the all that I am but now I am.
There is a humbleness and equalness in saying sorry in a true way, ‘I no longer want to shirk responsibility. I no longer want to avoid saying sorry.’
Saying oops, and learning takes the relationship we have with our selves and true-responsibility to a deeper level as we re-learn to connect to our essences or Soul, as this is appreciation and we feel empowered that everything in life becomes a resource to deepen our relationship with our Soul-full-ness.
‘I always thought that saying sorry was an admission of failure and a weakness, something to be avoided at all costs and derided when others said it.’ Is not sorry an acceptance of humility and an acceptance that what occurred was less than loving on our part? It is that pride, that need to be individualistic, that need to be right that gets in the way of truly being open to what is before us. We may choose to call it weak but that is simply a protection against feeling our vascular contraction.
I found the same liberation in being able to admit that I don’t know everything. When I didn’t know something I had mastered being able to appear that I had everything under control. It’s lovely to admit this now and ask for support from others.
What an illusion we are in to try to be perfect and never admit fragility, we are always growing and learning and that is actually a beautiful thing.
It is beautiful Melinda, allowing our fragility and vulnerability to be seen, as opposed to always appearing to be perfect, and in control.
I was the complete opposite in that I would say sorry the whole time … sorry for existing. I would even say sorry to my boss at the time before asking them a question about work or a job I was doing. It was very debilitating and also maybe awkward or irritating for those around me. However through the support of Universal Medicine and loving me more this is no longer a thing. I have more body confidence and love for me than ever before. What I came to see though in reading your blog is that people might be on the complete opposite of the spectrum (like we were with saying sorry) but when we make it about true love and healing everything is brought back to harmony and an equilibrium to a point that neither of us have a problem or issue with the word sorry.
When we used the word sorry from our heart and with absolute honesty it can be very powerful. And on the flip side, have you ever felt sometimes this word can come with an emptiness when it is expressed?
How we express is always so important.
When we are transparent and open with others we can apologize in a true way, and know there is no perfection needed, only an honesty to see we are all equal and we are all learning in life.
Very well said Anna, this is so true and it is supportive to express from a true way. But if we apologise with guilt, shame or in a reaction then it can have a harmful effect as this stops us from learning and it can erode our self-worth and confidence.
We are all equal, and continually learning and growing in life.
I would like to say sorry to humanity, my brothers, for not listening to what I know in leading The Way with regard, and exquisitely reflecting the power of love we all hold equally within.
I have a manager who is very quick to say sorry if they have any part in things ‘going wrong’. I feel this is very important for team members to see. They see the humbleness, imperfection, lack of need to be right and care for how others feel. It means bad feelings that could have carried over and festered are dropped. So I agree, sorry, when genuine is very powerful.
I’ve always been kind of the opposite – and apologising too much, the slightest thing and I would apologise – almost like I was apologising for my existence. So I’ve had to work on always being humble and apologising when I’m wrong but not apologising for who I am.
And what an awful way to live when we see ourselves or others as lesser, diminishing the natural amazing beings that we are. But to turn this around is super powerful for it asks us to recognise that if we have made a mistake it is the action that is the error and not who we are that is the error, and that the error occurred simply because we were not chooseing to be all we are. So really the apology should be to ourselves to say ‘I am so sorry that I was not living all that I am’. Hence was is needed is never really an apology of what we have done but rather an apology of not having lived who we truly are. For when we live who we truly are, then we are always in consideration of ourselves and others and holding all with equal love.
The power lies in our honesty to recognise our actions for the truth or not and the expression of nominating them for what they are.
I agree Esther, I have found when I express from absolute honesty, there is no apologies required, I find this is deeply healing.
Beautifully said Esther – Power does lie in our honesty to recognise our actions for the truth and the expression of nominating them – and in addition I would say to then live what one has recognised completes the learning.
The power of saying sorry is very humbling where everyone gets a blessing because when sincerely expressed, the power of saying sorry breaks down those invisible barriers of protection, and when they come down, both parties involved have the opportunity to let each other fully in.
There is a decency, respect and consideration that is healing to experience when we can genuinely say we are sorry.
The Way of The Livingness has had a huge transforming impact on my life, in that life has become simpler, more honest and real with so much understanding of myself and my past choices and where I am at today as a result of making different and more loving lifestyle choices, that my body greatly appreciates.
The energy with which we use the word ‘sorry’ changes the meaning. If it is an acceptance that we have made a mistake and honest acknowledgment of the truth then this is felt by all but if the word is used to apologise for being you then it is demeaning and feels very false.
This is true Mary, and important to recognise that the energy with which we say sorry has very different consequences.
Holding two people as equal and saying sorry is much more powerful than dropping your power and seeing someone as better than you and then saying sorry. The latter keeps you less and asking for forgiveness whereas the former feels much more responsible and freeing.
Yes, it’s important to remember that we are all equal, just learning and becoming more aware as we go through life.
This is such a great thing to clear, opening you up to more self love and self acceptance and also more love and responsibility in relationships. I agree that The Way of the Livingness and becoming students of our own soul is a supportive foundation for the healing you describe, and for releasing anything that is not of love (like blame or pride) to be more love. Every time we are able to heal something and become more love it is an amazing healing and a blessing for humanity. An inspiring read, thank you for your honesty.
I love to say sorry, it confirms for me that I am still learning, and as long as I am learning I know that there is change.
To truly say we are sorry for something is taking responsibility for it, and in that there is a humbleness because we are not perfect and there are always great learnings to be found.
Having been used to almost ‘apologised for breathing’ for a vast majority of my life, sorry is not alway a great word for me to use. When feeling frustration etc with another, there is a very noticeable contraction in my body – a powerful ‘red flag’ marker signalling a stop to take a moment and re-connect with my body. Then with humbleness without being lesser, express to the others involved, that I was way off beam / out of order and my body has clearly shown me that this is not the way for me to speak to anyone.
To be honest with ourselves and others when we realise we have been out of order and being disrespectful / abusive with them opens up the way for response rather than further reactions.
It all really comes down to responsibility doesn’t it… Especially in our expression
I have learned so much from the teachings of Universal Medicine and a major one is being willing to be wrong and to admit I’m wrong and for that to be ok, for there is no perfection here. But always the question we can ask is are we willing to feel and see what is truly going on and come back to us in any moment when we know we’ve left our connection; and that can and often does include sorry, from an understanding that we are not less but that we have strayed from what we know is true.
The flipside of this is someone who always says ‘sorry’, even when it is not true or inappropriate. Neither is being truthful.
Amazing how a word gets disfigured in its meaning and we shy away and eventually lose connection with the beauty of what the word truly offers, and what we miss out from the lack of its activation is pretty big.
We construct lives in a way that can precisely avoid what we want to avoid… to evolve.
Sometimes we get into the habit of saying sorry for everything, even things that there’s no need to be sorry for as if being apologetic for breathing or feeling like everything is our fault. Then we can also take the stance that it would kill us to say we are sorry. Either position has been built up and cemented by our ideals and beliefs.
I know some people that never would say ‘sorry’, because for them they would prefer to avoid any responsibility on their part and continue to play the victim and blame others. When we admit we have been wrong there is an opportunity for us to learn and grow form this experience without judging ourselves in any way.
There are also environments like a number of big companies or other organisations where saying ‘sorry’ is considered a weakness, regardless of circumstances.
We are all learning as we go through life, ‘When we admit we have been wrong there is an opportunity for us to learn and grow form this experience without judging ourselves in any way.’
Sorry is a word that brings with it a whole swathe of intentions and meanings, such as it can be a confirmation of the equal light that is within us all.
Saying ‘sorry’ can be so powerful and healing and this doesn’t mean that you are ‘wrong’ or a bad person. It can light up everything if it is said from realization, not from someone making themselves small.
Totally agree that there need not be shame in saying sorry and neither does being humble mean that you automatically hold yourself lesser than another. It can be simply about being honest as you say and acknowledging what you’ve recognised and are willing to learn from…
It’s respectful to say sorry.
What I just realised from reading your blog Matilda is that when we say sorry everyone involved gets the opportunity of closure in the situation – for in the acknowledgment of our mistake we can disarm the emotional reaction induced by the scenario. Thus, if people are willing to let it go there is no need to carry the hurt or issue anymore. So I agree, saying sorry is so not a sign of weakness or failure but can actually be one of honesty and completion.
Thank you Suse. I agree. People have often told me not to say sorry as it is an admission of failure but actually I do not feel this is necessarily true. Saying sorry can often bring an opening for further sharing and deepening of a relationship bringing more understanding and harmony.
The sorry word is so loaded and often when people use it, it comes fully loaded with emotions – for example, “I am so so so sorry, please forgive me” can come with a begging energy. My feeling is that people can use that (I know I have) to be ‘let off the hook’ from the other person, beg for forgiveness, receive the apology so you don’t need to feel so bad/shame at what you had done.
Whereas, taking full responsibility for your actions (without shame or harshness) and sharing honestly with the other person about how you feel and what you did, and saying sorry with no real expectation of an outcome, feels much lighter and clearer. And less imposing on the other person as you are not absolving yourself by their forgiveness, you are brining that to yourself.
“Simple and practical, the teachings have transformed every area of my life and for this I am hugely grateful.” I agree The Way of The Livingness takes care of all of life when we truly live it.
When we feel ‘sorry’ for ourselves we make ourselves less than who we are but when we are aware that we have made an unintentional error ‘sorry’ is just a recognition of the fact.
I had the opposite with sorry, I would be saying sorry for this or that , especially when feeling I was a bother, often it was not my problem, the sorry came from a place of being less, being unworthy. That has changed as I take more responsibility for my own life and stop being responsible for others. When sorry is used in its true sense it can be a very humbling experience opening us up to more evolution.
I have no problem saying sorry when it is due, but I have had to learn to stop saying sorry or taking on responsibility for things that are not my responsibility for that is irresponsible.
Love it Nicola, very true this is something I am also learning to do as well.
In the not too distant past (before finding Universal Medicine) I was on the opposite end of the ‘saying sorry’ spectrum, Matilda. I used to drop ‘sorries’ left and right and I would be apologising for all kinds of things that were not my responsibility and not even in my control at all! This was a result of a low level of self-worth and in a way I was not being responsible in the way I would always put myself down or assume I was at fault. By contracting like this by choice, I was letting others down by not letting them see the amazing me that I am!
So well revealed Michael. I have been spending a bit of time with someone who apologises left right and centre and I have seen clearly how this is a game of the spirit that thinks it is going to win grace and safety by employing such a means, but actually the human spirit is using this ploy consciously and deliberately to keep itself small and thus not who we truly are, as your comment so well exposes. And yet ‘sorry’ said truly to someone one has abused in any way can be a powerful thing.
I have often bemoaned the fact that a simple sorry would have gone a long way in situations e.g. in a shop when I am complaining about goods or a service and everyone seems very reluctant to admit they have done anything wrong. What I am now feeling is that this has often reflected for me my own irresponsibility in similar situations and how uncomfortable it is for those on the receiving end of such self-serving behaviour.
Saying a heartfelt ‘sorry’ can be very powerful but avoiding saying it when it would be a helpful acknowledgement has an impact on our bodies which we then try and mask so the ultimate fallout is far greater than if we had just owned up in the first instance and been willing to take responsibility for our actions or inactions.
It is really interesting that you said you learnt this behaviour because it is true that most of our behaviours are learned. I can see this in myself too that for a long time I would for instance have no issues with saying sorry and then suddenly because having observed it carefully in others and with an ideal or belief coming in at the same time, for instance that saying sorry makes you weak, I would take over the behaviour, leaving me years later wondering why I started to do that in the first place! Then to discard it again, and go back to what I originally felt was true. And that is what life is about isn’t it? Returning to our inner essence and living from that but what if we could be so steady in ourselves (without perfection) that we don’t have to try first to know what is true?
Avoiding the sorry is saying yes with all your body to a situation where you go into sophisticated patterns to avoid walking with yourself and you are unable to meet another one straight to his/her eyes.
Accepting our weaknesses are a reflection of the strength that is lived in our hearts, as it is only in those vulnerable moments we can let go of the protection in our bodies and simply reflect the delicateness within ourselves.
We can feel when the word ‘sorry’ is used in earnest or used to manipulate.
Yes, ‘sorry’ can easily be a way of getting out of a situation where there was something to learn or where it was clear that a change needed to be made.
There are many organisations where it is a career-limiting (i.e. career-ending) exercise to publicly admit to a mistake. In such a case it would be interesting to know how one can take responsibility without becoming a martyr.
Saying Sorry when it’s meant is great for the body, releasing any guilt, self-reproach or self-loathing from festering unduly and getting deeply buried. But there’s also the throw-away Sorry, that’s there through convention – especially if you’re British 😉 – and can be felt by the recipient for the emptiness it represents.
The quality and purpose in which we say sorry, or indeed anything we say, affects what is said more than the word itself.
There is so much around the motions of sorry and apologie. Of late I have become aware that I am moving around like I am permanently apologizing for who I am. This is very subtle, but also very undermining of the steadiness and grace of my essence and something that I have begun to address. It is also very detrimental to everyone else as they are not graced with the full wonder of who I am.
I find a great respect and humility is felt when we express that we are sorry from the heart. Relationships also grow from this quality of expression because it is also the quality in which we say sorry and when we feel truly sorry and not see sorry as being shameful it changes the configuration of our interactions too,
Oops! There is a correction needed is much more sustainable? As in the past I have been forced to say I am sorry for things that I never did. So could it be being in a situation that needs correction we come together and equally express so we can all evolve?
I had a similar aversion to saying sorry. I saw it as a failure on my part and criticised myself viciously for any mistakes I made, Plus subjected myself to the guilt that came along with whatever it was I had made a mistake with. No longer do I feel this. I welcome being exposed and taking responsibility for my part. In apologising I am given the opportunity to read the underlying hurt I was trying not to feel, or simply to allow myself to evolve out of behaviours that are destructive or harming.
We can all learn much from our mistakes, ‘which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’
From my observation the word ‘sorry’ is hounded out of us. This starts at a young age when I was growing up, for at school or at home if one made a mistake, in the judgement of the teacher or parents there was always a form of punishment resulted from what the adults judged. So as one grows up one learns not to admit to making an error, even if there was no malice, or admitting to something adults judge to be bad behaviour because punishment would result. Sometimes the punishment could be condescending judgement. So by the time we reach adult-hood we are conditioned not to say sorry.
So well said John. Saying ‘sorry’ is virtually beaten out of us because of the knee-jerk reaction from people that is punishing judgment. Now we can deeply and lovingly respond with a ‘sorry’ because we know that all we have to do is express and not worry about anyone else’s reaction. There is something profoundly graceful in both giving an receiving an apology!
Yes Doug, I have been on both sides of the fence. Saying sorry when it wasn’t really needed, and then avoiding it because I felt it was in some way admitting defeat. I used to think life was a battle and there was the hidden agenda of scoring points over others. It was a very exhausting way to live. Having a quality of humbleness gives me the chance to know I’m not perfect (of course I am going to make mistakes) and that saying sorry will not make me less.
Reading this again and saying sorry to myself feels very humbling. I have pushed and pulled my body into all sorts of situations and yet rarely took onboard how it felt/feels to live. But that doesn’t mean it’s forgotten nor can it not show me how to live.
This apology is absolutely key Leigh. In understanding and accepting the way we have treated ourselves and saying sorry to ourselves, we open up the doors wide to Love.
If only people knew how disarming and love-building it can be when someone says sorry and really means it. Not for one moment could there be anything between the two people. You are so right Matilda, there is great power in a true sorry!
I was on the receiving end of someone saying sorry to me on the weekend. I felt quite hurt what they said, which came out of no-where and was unexpected and I felt unprepared. I had tears in my eyes and was able to show my vulnerability, this person immediately said sorry, held out their arms wide to give me a big warm hug. One little word, can and does rest the disturbance to a fresh new start as Amparo mentions above.
Saying ‘sorry’ is very liberating for both persons; who says it and who receives it. It balances and clarifies something that has been disturbed in any way, and resets the situation to a new fresh start point.
Simple and practical indeed. Admitting our mistakes is no big deal at all. And boy oh boy does it get easier with practice as does the self bashing lessen as we realise firstly how often we make mistakes, and that it’s ok, we’re here to learn through them…it’s all just one big playground.
I also tend to avoid saying sorry, I do not find it easy, it is almost like I am admitting failure in some way. But the times I have said sorry, it has been very freeing, and was very natural.
Never having an issue on expressing sorry, it is crucial to be aware that this expression does not keep us in the familiarity of finding fault with ourselves and feeling guilty, as that is a big cap on our fullness. Take responsibility and there can never be any more emotions of being wrong.
I love how you say there need be no shame in saying sorry – how it can be a simple and humble expression of honesty – recognising a mistake we’ve made so that we can acknowledge the effect we have on others and truly learn from it. No self-loathing or condeming and no dismissing of things either.
“simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” I have come to love this. If I make a mistake I willingly apologise if needed and open up to whatever I can learn from the situation. No more shame and guilt that entraps us in their heavy chains.
Its the energy with which we utter the words rather than the words themselves that count.
“Simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes…. This is indeed a beautiful statement, and if we bring this awareness to our children then whole outdated paradigms of education must, by default, come tumbling down , and Whoops, will become one of our favourite words . ☺
You could write a song from this line ‘Whoops, will become one of our favourite words.’ 😉
Very true Matilda, the word sorry can offer a healing in any situation when it is truly expressed from our body – in that moment we have chosen love and responsibility and allowed the space for us to learn and grow.
Nothing can reduce us when we know our value and our worth. But everything we do and or avoid doing will not increase our value or our worth if we do not already come from a place of self-worth to begin with. The word sorry when spoken with humbleness and a true intent to learn, emanates an equalness with everyone.
“I no longer want to shirk responsibility. I no longer want to avoid saying sorry”. Such simple words with such a powerful message Matilda, thank you.
Sorry for me has been almost an excuse, and scape goat. There is absolutely no point in saying sorry if you are not prepared to take responsibility and address why it happened in the first place.
I found that embracing saying sorry has been greatly freeing, as in being honest about not being ourselves in that moment, we let go of the falsity, the game that holds us less that who we are as such we are accepting the responsibility of our choices through which we are then empowered to make a different choice whenever the opportunity arises again – which in my experience it always does. Saying sorry is very honoring not only of who we greatly are but also the reflection that we all deserve to receive from each other.
To admit a mistake and say sorry was not something I easily did either but I did say sorry many times when I thought I was in the way or bumped into someone, or even when they bumped into me etc. Totally misplaced in most of the times because of a lack of self worth, apologising I am here. Both kind of saying sorry do require an honesty and a love for oneself to claim we are human and are forever students of life.
“…there is no shame in saying sorry…” – with the honesty there is actually dignity in doing so.
An honest and appreciative ‘sorry’ means to let go of any resistance to admit ones ‘errors’, judgments, regret and thus letting go of the past and being ready to move onwards with more understanding.
Shirking responsibility and the space to learn from our mistakes only hinders growth. Why hold back the amazingness of who we are, when we can connect and share with honesty about who we are and how we are feeling in a particular situation. Expressing truth is empowering and can bring more understanding and awareness to our lives. It’s very cool to think that one word can bring such truth and honesty to our way of life, when it is expressed from the heart.
Who would have thought that saying sorry could be so empowering.
There is a crucial ‘something’ about ‘sorry’ and that for me is its surrender of the individualistic myth which brings a simple humbleness. Truly beautiful as a starting point for the next expression.
Sorry and sorry and then there is sorry. What is in a simple word and why are there different sorrys? As the article said sorry was a difficult thing and at the time it seemed like an admission of failure or weakness. I think that is because I thought sorry was about another person and didn’t realise it was personal. When it’s a true sorry your body releases and you let go of what ever it was that was there. Sorry use to be something you had to do for someone, they needed to hear sorry so they felt better and in that was a pressure to perform and a hope that they forgave you. Sorry isn’t just a word though and I remember just saying the word to get something or have something done. Now when there is a sorry I realise it’s actually an action, if we are truly sorry then in our next step the awareness of what has happened will support us to not make the same step again. It’s not that you curb your behaviour, it’s more of feeling what it was that was done and saying no when you register that feeling again, knowing the path it leads to. Sorry, a simple word but is defined by it’s action.
Saying sorry from the honesty of our heart brings great respect and the space to truly learn from life and all who encompass it. Thank you Matilda
Another very important note as taken by the reader as written by the writer:
“And whilst these may appear small changes in my life, they are part of a bigger picture that has come about as I have worked with The Way of The Livingness – a way of life that empowers everyone to know that they are in their own driving seats, not only masters of their own lives but an integral, essential part of humanity and all of our wellbeing.”
One comment , that got all answers to our woes inside, so lets truly listen and ponder on it this time.
This is huge, this is absolutely huge, makes me truly ponder and feel my relationship with my responsibility and so the avoidance I had and still have at times. It is so good to just be honest about that and feel what it is we, we are avoiding, as most of the time it might seem or look uncomfortable what it might bring – but this is often illusion, as we grow our hearts by every step on the way.. How could this be a nagging thing?
I can very much relate Matilda and so just love looking at sorry as simply honesty… and the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes. There is no point shirking responsibility when it’s our evolution that’s at stake.
Sometimes if we can’t say sorry and want to blame others for what has happened it is because we have forgotten that anything untoward that has occurred from our careless actions is an energy coming through us, not from us as we truly are. So if we have become identified with that energy, instead of saying ‘sorry’ and realising that we chose not to stay with our true self, we cannot bear it and have to cast out the blame elsewhere as a kind of pain relief. Observation is the name of the game and the openness that comes with that is a very endearing and healing thing.
It’s so much simpler and easy to say sorry if needed – and take responsibility – than be arrogant or defensive and blame other people – I wonder if this defensiveness or reluctance to say sorry comes from often getting into trouble or shouted in those kind of situations when we were kids? Would we be more open to it if we were met with understanding and love?
When we live with a ‘humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes’ the whole world opens up to both discover and reveal the budding potential of our full bloom.
Those who make way for truth – enter the domes of heaven. From this source one can live in a way that is as yet almost unknown/rare (but deep down inside we know it).. So, the easiest way to come out of a mess, is to come back to the truth, just that, so simple. Thank you… already one step closer to Soul.
Recently I have seen within myself patterns of behaviour that I recognise I will benefit from overcoming, in this it feels important to me that I apologise if I have gone into this pattern. Yet the saying sorry is in this case is not as important as the commitment to change, so I do not have to keep repeating the apology. The more heartfelt way to apologise in this case would actually be to not be in the situation again where such an apology is necessary. That seems like the most powerful way of saying sorry.
The simple word ‘sorry’ can be exposed as not so simple when we realise the multitude of different energies with which it may be expressed.
Being honest about our shortcomings and able to say sorry when is truly needed is a strength in itself, we are presented with an opportunity to learn and evolve from and that is worth it.
A heartfelt ‘sorry’ can be felt in a change of energy and is even more beautiful when it is expressed in words as well.
Hear hear Kathleen. I have been unexpectedly blessed with people on a couple of occasions recently saying that they are sorry and it has opened up an even deeper and more loving and appreciative dimension to our relationship. There is nothing more disarming than a genuine heart felt ‘sorry’ – to both give and receive.
This is beautiful Matilda. Sorry expressed in true humbleness is simply equal respect with another.
A genuinely felt and truthfully expressed apology clears the air and allows us to drop a burden that we don’t need to be carrying around with us any longer. Not taking stock of what happened honestly drags us down and can be like a millstone around our neck, making us duck and weave in an attempt to avoid responsibility.
I have seldom had trouble with the word sorry, as I learnt early that if it was used earnestly enough it was almost a get out of jail free card even if not meant. Responsibility on the other hand has up until recently been a dirty word, nothing was ever my fault and I was always the victim,so learning that where we are in life is a direct result of every decision we have ever made and that there is no such thing as an accident or a coincidence and embracing his as truth has been the ultimate liberation from myself and the start of a beautiful loving relationship with my old foe responsibility.
Sorry is a magic word when said from the heart, it allows both parties to be free of the hurt or reactions that created the situation. There is freedom, healing and evolution in sorry.
Words are powerful and if shared with the true quality and intent they are felt. However if words are used loosely with no truth and quality, they are just words. “Sorry” is one of those words that I have heard either used really loosely and feels empty and on spoken in truth and I felt it touch my heart.
It makes me giggle often how the simplest things have been turned into the hardest things! A 5 letter word that has so much to learn from ‘Sorry’!!
I know a few people who feel that you should never say ‘sorry’, but when ‘sorry’ is said and truly meant it is a very powerful thing.
When we say ‘sorry’ and we truly mean it, there is a definite healing that can be felt, both for the person for whom we are apologising to, and ourselves.
I think very few, if any, really understood how much their lives would change with the support of Serge Benhayon and the UM practitioners.
Saying sorry can be a very humbling experience – and I would guess that saying sorry to ourselves once in a while can also be in place if we have been a bit hard on ourselves.
This is a beautiful reminder that it starts with ourselves, that we are allowed to and absolutely deserve to treat ourselves with deep love and care. Thank you Matts.
How freeing it is to realise that making mistakes is part and parcel of learning and growth and to accept ourselves for where we are at, imperfections, warts and all is a natural part of taking responsibility for our lives.
‘Simple and practical, the teachings have transformed every area of my life and for this I am hugely grateful.’ Same same here Matilda I did not know it was a word but yes hugely grateful for what Serge Benhayon has brought forth with the teaching and I appreciate myself and everyone who has been inspired and chose to make loving changes to a life that maybe was okay but not lived in a more responsible way.
Saying sorry without any shame, regret or feeling of being less allows us to learn the lesson that is being offered and truly take responsibility.
“sorry” has become heavily drenched in emotions, whereas really it should be a description of our willingness to learn and move on
I agree Michael Brown. The emotional tone in the word sorry is what brings the feeling of failure, disappointment or shame and often leads to irresponsibility rather than a moment of truth and learning.
A word I used to resist was ‘oops’ because it would then mean that I would have to expose that I made a choice that was unloving, unsupportive or harmful. Much like ‘sorry’ I can relate to that avoidance of having made a mistake, of having chosen wrongly or to avoid feeling via the reflection of another that how I have been living has not truly worked and/or only left myself, situations and others in a lesser state than need be. I can really relate to in that claiming the quality of my choices in life it cuts dead that self-criticism. Theres nothing wrong with saying sorry or oops or claiming that we’ve stuffed up when we take responsibility. If anything I am learning that that is the healthiest stance to take because then I am open to addressing and not repeating the mistake. Thank you Matilda.
Sorry is a word that holds so much it’s a short simple word, but when we use it and don’t mean it, it hangs around us in some form of resentment, yet when we say it with true meaning it has a sense of clearing with no further attachment and an opportunity to honour another.
I met someone last week who was saying ‘sorry’ all over the place when really there was no need, I felt quite uncomfortable with this, and said there is no need to say you are sorry.
Saying sorry is taking responsibility, admitting that what we have done may not have been the best way. By this expression of truth it enables us to let the situation to complete and others we may of hurt, to heal.
I love the simplicity in which this was written Matilda. Very relatable as I too became a master of bobbing and weaving out of the way of responsibility at all costs
When we are humbled and are willing to honestly learn from our mistakes and imperfections we graduate with full honors into wisdom.
Enormous what one word can hold depending how we use it. This shows that there is much more to communication and life but the simple word, that it is always a question of the quality we choose and the intention that lies underneath every word we speak.
Brilliant Esther, thank you… totally nailed it.
There is a strength in saying sorry, recognising we are human and will make mistakes as we are learning to return to be our love in full.
The word’ sorry’ spoken with a true heart is so powerful and healing. And there are many ways of saying sorry besides actually saying the word as was highlighting to me last weekend in what could have appeared as a small gesture made towards me. Very beautiful.
Hi Lyndy, your comment reminded me of the true and false versions of the word ‘sorry’, one where the apology is true and heartfelt, and constructive with regard to our personal growth and the growth of our relationships, and the false one where we may feel ourselves to be less than others and apologise with negative emotions including guilt, or even feel apologetic for even existing.
I am the opposite, I used to say ‘sorry’ all the time and had to learn to stop using this word to apologise for who I was. Learning to take responsibility and to deepen the relationship with myself has been key to knowing when ‘sorry’ is needed in a situation and not used to ‘self bash’ myself in anyway.
I have a new awareness and deep appreciation of the solid foundation of steadiness I hold in my body which supports me to know and love myself deeply this relationship with myself validates my expression of what is true. From this love and deeper level of responsibility I feel the power and strength in the vulnerability of an apology.
I have been catching myself making lots of mistakes lately and it has been exposing to notice how I actually feel about it – it feels terrible. I feel anxious, ashamed, stupid, embarrassed – and in these judgments, it doesn’t feel as though I am taking true responsibility – therefore keep making the same mistakes over and over, no matter how many sorry I might say.
Which brings us to the beautiful truth that any word uttered without responsibility does not deliver the truth of words. When I make mistakes the sorry has to come with a willingness to take responsibility, but not an ounce of self berating or criticism – for me this is an always feeling and refining process.
The world runs so much on judgment and blame, that the word responsibility gets unfairly laced by the negative association. Responsibility though is really a joyful understanding of our absolute interdependence with all, all that we belong to, and embracing and living our part in the all in full.
Brilliant, Annie, reclaiming the word responsibility from its negative misinterpretation and putting it back on the map of our return to being part of a loving, honouring and connected humanity.
We are becoming more aware all the time, and as humans, we make mistakes, so to then apologise is very natural, ‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’
I wonder if honesty is a much desired trait but becoming less and less valued because there appears to be much more corruption now than ever before. I am sure there is much more to it but perhaps one part of the issue in large corporations or governments is the need to be right, successful, recognised, followed, respected, obeyed. Personally, I have been much more keen to support organisations and politicians who are not afraid to admit they made a mistake.
I love that, Lucy, and I agree – it is a pleasure to work with people who are not caught up in the pitfalls of needing to be seen to be getting it right all the time; those with the honesty and integrity to admit they have made mistakes and are willing to learn and develop because of them.
From my Livingness everything is about me forever deepening my return to the glory I come from as a Son of God. This journey has many teaching that come from every moment of my life, so the way I live becomes a reflection for me to learn to deepen my reconnection. Living this way everything is a blessing with no apologies, just being blessed by the situations all around me so that I learn from them and can expand who I am! Being connected to the esoteric way of life or Livingness, I have found the journey to be one that I am not ‘sorry’ about but am joy-full that it is still unfolding after many years as a student.
The Way of The Livingness has certainly empowered me to know that I am in the driving seat of my life. All the choices I make are a result of where my life is right now and the responsibility I now am willing to take is an awesome way to learn how to live a loving way inspired by The Way of The Livingness. The power of saying sorry I feel comes with taking responsibility and acknowledging that we are in fact always in the driving seat of life.
Beautiful, Chan Ly – flagging up and confirming the relationship between saying sorry and taking responsibility and how this is simply another opportunity, as we explore how we are with ‘sorry’, to be honest with how we feel about responsibility.
Interesting….. I get really annoyed when people don’t say sorry but then often maybe that’s reflecting that I too need take take responsibility…. Equally sorry can be really abused; so a good example for me is being late…. If I know the person won’t mind I will try to squeeze in that one thing that will make me late just in case there’s an outside chance I can fit more things in and be more productive. It’s like people know that is what I’m like, they expect it and as long as i sing sorrrrry whilst arriving late then it’s ok. Which it’s not! Lots in this one word!
Absolutely Rachael, ‘sorry’ can become a cover-up or an acceptable truth that has some kind of hidden agenda.
I love this last line about vulnerability and honesty being so much more powerful than hardened up protection. It exposes for me the futility of the self-imposed prison of protection we think is protecting us and reveals that it is in surrendering to our fragility that we find the unwavering support and guidance that we have been yearning for.
It feels like there’s so much to be said about the curse of perfectionism and how so-called mistakes are perceived as ‘bad’ when we think our value depends on what we do, instead of knowing we are perfect just for being who we are, and what we do is perfectly imperfect – and vulnerability and honesty is so much more powerful than hardened up protection wall.
It’s so beautiful when we drop the self imposed limitations we have placed on ourselves and we can feel free to breathe fully and live naturally again.
It is such a big deal for so many to say sorry. We have taken mistakes way too seriously, I know I have, and we think responsibility is too heavy a duty to hold. We hold back from saying the word as well as seeing the situation for simply what it is – because of some perceived/imagined come-back we think we would have to pay for, physically and emotionally.
Yup, I held back saying sorry because I took mistakes too seriously and was on such shaky ground in terms of my relationship with myself that I did not want to admit to having stuffed up in anyway. This whole pattern held me in a perpetual, anxious, self-critical cycle. Exhausting.
How old is humanity?
How many years and generations have we had to get it, to make life a loving experience?
Isn’t it insane that – after so many years – we still teach our kids things that harm them?
Saying sorry with honesty, openess and willingness to learn feels very supportive. Also it is our willingness to take responsibility that allows this level of honesty with ourselves and others. To not judge ourselves or others when we make mistakes is key to allowing great learning and every situation is an opportunity for us to grow and evolve when we choose to take responsibility.
‘To not judge ourselves or others’ – this for me is a super critical point. Self judgement and criticism is very firmly embedded and encouraged in life – the days I do not let this play out, feel really transformative and remarkable.
It is interesting that we as a society in general have such an issue with saying sorry. There is this part of us that thinks we should know it all already and that if we don’t and get it wrong that it is something that needs to be avoided and ignored. So when we take responsibility for our actions and ownership for what we do, be that good or bad, then at least we are living a life of truth not a game of hide and seek.
When our lives are made up of the beauty that is just ‘simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes’, everything we express from that honesty comes with love. My greatest apology is leveled towards myself for disconnecting from the truth of who I am!
No longer shirking responsibility, no longer wanting to avoid saying sorry, Matilda, shows how we can start to make a commitment to ourselves. It feels there is a consistency of being open, that this is how it is. We are never going to be perfect, but owning up when we have done something hasn’t worked out, giving a very meaningful apology and being able to simply move on is a great way to be.
A true sorry does do exactly that – leaves everyone free to move on – this is huge.
Bringing a commitment to honesty and not blame, just honestly see and feel what is in that moment, opens up the potential for greater understanding and awareness, and for another to also express and bring greater understanding – and this is the way we can all learn and have the opportunity to evolve together.
“VIVA the evolution”. In the true meaning of ‘viva’. Bring it back to its Latin roots meaning living. So in this root race Livingness is the way of evolution!
This blog is a powerful reminder that responsibility lies behind all our words and the depth in which they reach another is a marker of how far we are willing to go with dealing with our truths and expressing them with complete love.
Sorry is a word that can be hard to voice, particularly for the stubborn spirit. When sorry comes from the heart, it can be truly expressed and felt, and does not leave a bitter taste in your mouth, but instead a sweet feel of true humility.
I had absolutely no idea how life-changing this was going to be’. This is so very true Matilda, and for me may I add that after 12 years of being a Student of The Livingness their are many more changes that are still to come, as part of me returning to be fully claimed living Son of God!
It is freeing for both parties when we can express the words ‘I’m sorry’. Saying it in shame leaves a distaste and then we feel worse about ourselves, but when we can openly apologise, accept the learning and know we are more than our mistakes, then this is hugely healing.
I can so relate to what you say here Matilda. From a young age I did the same ducked and dived and avoiding saying sorry and this went on for most of my life. Fast forward to present and I feel at ease with owning my behaviour and saying Sorry. Saying Sorry is very powerful and comes with RESPONSIBILITY, something we can no longer IGNORE.
RESPONSIBILITY in capital letters, loud and clear – thank you, Priscilla. This is a tipping point for me always, which is supported by my understanding that anything I do has an impact on others so cannot be contained, hidden or assumed to be just affecting me. Therefore the quality with which I do, think or say anything is not only relevant but really important – ‘sorry’ included.
Saying sorry when appropriate and needed…”feels great and very opening in the relationship with the person I am saying sorry to…” totally agree. It takes the relationship to a deeper platform, and re-establishes a trust between each other.
We all make mistakes, life is not about perfection. And so in the making of mistakes it is all about the art of apologising – which is really about the ability to hold oneself in the utmost love, allow oneself to feel and see the consequences of one’s actions, and lovingly realise that there is another way…for next time! 😉 and so we say ‘oops’ and then ‘sorry’ from the heart, and we move on having learned once again in the school of life.
Being able to apologise with a heartfelt apology, without putting yourself down is super important. All too often we feel guilt or shame or feel bad about the consequences of our actions on another and/or ourselves, however this guilt or shame can be more detrimental to us than the act that was not so respectful in itself. And so it is about learning to say sorry and move on knowing that there are no such things as mistakes, there are only learnings.
I am finding the intricate balance between integrity (saying a true sorry) and responsibility (being willing to learn from any mistakes) that does not allow for the indulgence of blame or self-berating.
Well said Matilda, as self berating or blame only does more damage to our relationships with ourselves.
‘I would go into full ducking and diving mode, working fast to devise a way to divert the problem onto someone or something else’. I so relate to this statement and over the last 12 years with assistance from those around me who are Students of The Livingness I now present what is the truth rather than ducking or saying I am ‘sorry’.
I recently had to say ‘sorry’ for not following through on a commitment that I had made. There was far more tension and discomfort from holding in the fact that I needed to claim responsibility than there was in simply saying, ‘sorry’. In that simple statement an opening appeared which allowed for things to move again.
When self-loathing and self-criticism has stopped and is no longer part of one’s life, you start to forget that is has been there for a long time. As a student of The Way of The Livingness it becomes even normal to be with people who also stopped self-loathing. Quite phenomenal when you compare this to what is normal in nowadays world.
If we say sorry it admits we have stuffed up and sometimes that’s something we just don’t want to truly feel but it is far more self loving and honouring of others if we do.
This highlights how we can say something like sorry and not mean it, or ‘I love you!. The words come out so surely it was meant! Not always. So it is the integrity, honesty, and truth as well as the responsibilty behind the words that matter. Everything is energy and as Serge Benhayon shared ‘everything is because of energy’ In a mostly superficial world this is where our discernment needs to come in and not take things for face value. It is great you have changed your relationship with the word sorry.
And I love the fact that you have brought in that ‘sorry’ is just one word we can observe how we say; reminding me that this level of attention and integrity can be applied to all our communication with profound effect.
When someone says sorry and it comes with an awareness of the impact of the mistake, taking responsibility for how that mistake came about. the learning that resulted and was taken on board, well, what’s left is respect, harmony and working together in unity.
Saying ‘sorry’ has an enormous effect on the posture of our body – the level of holding, guard and protection literally dismantles under our skin. It’s a great exercise in surrender.
Well said – I love the dismantling of protection as we surrender to saying sorry and observing how our body postures change when we do.
This is an awesome blog Matilda, to take responsibility for our actions and apologise is a beautiful gift to give ourselves and whoever else is involved. Saying sorry does not make us bad or less it actually shows that there is a willingness to take responsibility look at our own issues and what is there for us to work on. Saying sorry is a beautifully open way to be in the world.
It’s great to hear of how normal saying sorry has become, while not overdoing it, or constantly making yourself wrong, it’s awesome to give it a go.
I agree that sorry can be very healing between people, but also important that it comes from an honesty and not just to say the ‘right thing’ while at the same time, holding people at a distance or seeking relief.
It has been amazing to read through these comments and realise that we do know the responsibility needed when we say anything – making sure that we are, at the least, super honest about the impulse behind everything we say and that nothing is said to self-satisfy, relieve or control (keep people or ourselves at arm’s length). This brings a whole new level of insight and commitment to my every day.
Saying sorry in its appropriate place is a great dissolver of the tension and hardness in our bodies. The feeling of it melting away is lovely and it allows us to be open with others.
It’s lovely and amazing to feel the empowerment when there is no ‘shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes’. As a child I was continually saying sorry – and in retrospect it was as though I was apologising for being alive. Sometimes I can sometimes go the other way as I learn to find a balance, but gradually I am finding the way to say sorry with grace and in true humility.
I have noticed that I can say sorry to ease the moment or to try and patch things up, and this is really different to when I say sorry and truly mean it. When said like this it holds the weight of truth behind it and my body receives healing having been honest enough to have nominated what happened. When not acknowledged the body holds on creating more harm.
This blog shows us the true power of self-love and how it affects the world around us, the world we live in through work, at home, with family and friends. With self-love we are able to see our own imperfections and not be judgemental of them, so a simple sorry is easy to say and to really mean it, when the love that you feel for yourself cannot be tarnished by mere imperfections.
‘With self-love we are able to see our own imperfections and not be judgemental of them, so a simple sorry is easy to say and to really mean it’… This is huge for me Shami. Thank you. Being sorry has been a mere drop of relief to alleviate the huge cringing of self judgement i have lived with ( feels like aeons) which feels like a big stick i have stood over myself with . The words and actions/ thoughts of Self -love feel like a balm i need to apply regularly to me and throw away the stick.
It’s amazing how saying ‘sorry’ can dissolve tensions and heal voids in relationships. Acknowledging that we do indeed need to say sorry about something is so important, and voicing it to the person concerned can be so healing if it is truly meant and is fully accepted.
Recently someone considerably younger than myself pulled me up on something I did, that I could feel afterwards, was really irresponsible. I know that age is irrelevant when it comes to truth and wisdom but I could still feel a reaction when he first spoke to me, it was my ego rearing it’s ugly head. When I got over myself and apologised it was a really lovely experience, we were two souls, equal and loving, learning from each other.
Letting down our guards and relinquishing our habits dissolves all the ‘rules’ about, and positions we hold in, society. We are then freer than ever to say ‘sorry’, ‘thank you’, ‘I love you’, ‘yes’, ‘no’ with integrity and true meaning.
To say sorry and not mean it is more harmful and hurtful than not saying it at all. We feel energy first, so when there is no truth to the words, the insincerity is felt first and the words are meaningless. To not say anything is actually more truthful.
Reading this makes me realize how i have ‘forced ‘ my daughters to apologise to each other . As you say the words are meaningless. Nothing changes.. in fact more resentment and anger may be fuelled in the situation. It makes more sense to have discussions about the truth of their feelings, and therefore come to their own awareness as to why they feel what they feel and how they are behaving.
To say ‘sorry’ from the heart, we must first surrender and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, letting down our protection, allowing the other person in and our love for them out, it can be a very beautiful exchange.
Surrendering is so powerful, Alison. Thank you for introducing it here as a catalyst for change, true relationship and intimacy.
Thank you Alison, this fully explains that as fully claimed Son of God we never give our power to another, which brings in many ‘beautiful exchanges’.
When we shirk away from the responsibility to being honest we stop our own learning and that of others, it is part of a much larger puzzle and can bring true growth to the forefront.
Feeling the impulse to say ‘sorry’ and meaning it is confirming the understanding that we are all equal and we all deserve the same consideration and love.
Pondering your expression here Matilda I realise that saying sorry is truly about a reconnection with myself – I am brought back to the truth of a situation and have the opportunity feel the hurt I have first inflicted on myself. Saying sorry is then confirming that my self harm has then been inflicted upon another.
Bringing a deeper understanding of the relevance of being ‘sorry’ whether it is said or just internally acknowledged is energetically the way we accept ourselves in our true glory as a Son of God. My feeling is that if we just nominate the truth and then begin to move in a way so to never create that momentum again, we never have to say ‘sorry’!
Saying sorry without feeling I have failed or I am weak is new to me. In the past I would avoid apologising at all costs including using deceit as to avoid these feelings. Having learn to love and nurture myself I can feel I am complete without having to be right in every situation and I safe in the vulnerability I feel when I apologies.
‘…safe in the vulnerability I feel…’ this is a beautiful inspiration for me today – to appreciate the steadiness I have within alongside the sensitivity I have to all that is going on around me.
There is nothing worse than saying sorry from the point of view of making ourselves small or lesser than the other. This is in fact more harming as it creates a separation in the relationship instead of truly assisting the restore of harmony between you.
Sorry can come with a great humbleness, we are not perfect and will inevitably make mistakes – that is guaranteed but it is how quickly we come back that matters. We also have a responsibility not to judge or condemn others when they make mistakes as that is no help to them at all and keeps them down rather than pulling them back to the love we all are equally so.
So well said James and in most cases our mannerism say more than our words!
Letting go of the self defense is truly freeing, it is not always easy, but it is part of taking responsibility for all that we do, and the effect it has on others. Saying sorry is no sign of weakness, but shows a sincere knowing of mistakes made, feeling it, learning from it and letting go.
Thank you Matilda. It is worth saying that being open, humble and honest is actually the most freeing thing to do and to live like. So I agree, there is nothing wrong with saying sorry.
I can very much relate to what you have shared here – the awkwardness and sense of loss of pride when one is forced to apologies. But if one is truly dedicated to love, it is actually not that hard to say when needed, and requires no sense of giving one’s power away whatsoever. It is simply an acknowledgement of harm done towards another, no matter how trivial or unintended.
Being able to say sorry has been one of the greatest things I have learnt in life. To not be so proud and to stand on a platform of needing to always be right. That there are other ways of resolving things, to listen and not react, but most importantly be able to say you are sorry.
Agreed. Relinquishing ‘needing to be always right’ has been one of the most liberating things I have done. Opening up to the power of humility and transparency in relationships – so cool, refreshing and full of potential.
Saying sorry means you have to drop your protection and allow yourself to feel vulnerable and allow yourself to be seen by the other person.
Yes agree Sandra, and it is a great way to build more trust and love within our relationships.
I had yet another opportunity yesterday to say sorry for the way I had reacted to someone. It felt really good to say ‘I’m really sorry’ and mean it. The other person accepted it and we moved on with ease. Without the apology from me would have meant a tension bubbling under the surface.
There is such immediacy to the transformation possible when we say sorry with absolute care.
Saying sorry can be a great lead into creating a intimate experience with another. In being willing to open oneself up to bare all, offers another an invitation to do the same.
A beautiful article, and a topic that a lot of people can relate to. ‘Sorry’ can so often feel like we are subjugating ourselves to the other person, relinquishing out dignity and self respect. However, a true ‘sorry,’ comes from an acknowledgement of an action that was not you in your truth. in knowing this you can say ‘sorry’ without judging yourself and still holding yourself as being equal to the person receiving your apology.
It is great when we notice a pattern that is keeping our expression limited, whether it is stopping ourself ever saying sorry, or going the other way and forever negating ourself. Spotting and acknowledging these behaviours, thoughts and beliefs that go against the love, openness and responsibility that is our natural essence, is the first step in healing the issues that trap us and freeing ourself to once again express in our fullness.
We learn so much from our mistakes it seems a shame to make making them such a big deal, however there should always be an opportunity to learn and grow from saying sorry, not an excuse to brush it aside and repeat the same behaviour.
Sometimes it is difficult to accept responsibility for to do so can open up the bigger game of irresponsibility we have been engaged in for so long.. and then it is an easy trap to fall into recrimination and self-judgement . . but if we see this reaction as just another sneaky game to delay or avoid the next step in responsibility, it becomes possible to relinquish the shame and self-judgement, leaving ourselves clear and open to the next steps towards greater love, true responsibility and in our true evolution with everyone.
Understanding we are all imperfect and all learning together can take away the judgement, disappointment and perceived hurt in situations. If we can accept responsibility for our own actions and understand what is beneath the actions of ourselves and others, a greater awareness for all is then on offer.
I love this, Annie. Opening up life as a playground for learning for everyone. This would dispense with so many of the emotions that imprison us, for example: guilt, shame, jealousy and fear.
Sorry is such a simple word, but one that can carry so much weight and often a lot of drama that comes with that. But this doesn’t have to be the case. If it is just expressed in all sincerity and with an acceptance that a mistake was made, then everyone can move on and learn from the mistake, and so not allowing the ‘drama’ to continue.
What comes in the way of saying sorry? Not wanting to accept the guilt that is imposed because we know we are not guilty and it is not true to be held guilty, in contrast to feeling one´s responsibility and being held accountable to balance the disharmony we contributed too. Or we simply hold on to our pride and are stubborn, ie we avoid and or deny responsibility so that we can hold on to the comfort we have created to not be accountable.
The power of ‘Sorry’ has been bastardized by our institutionalized religions and they made it about guilt and sound so serious. In truth it is such a light action that lifts, not weighs.
It seems that it is the feeling of dread which precedes the saying of the words ‘I am sorry’ which is actually worse than owning up to our part in a situation. From my experience after the words have been spoken and we have faced the music so to speak quite often there is a feeling of relief for having spoken up no matter what the consequences, then we are able to take responsibility for the outcome.
Its amazing to feel how a genuine sorry can heal conflict or a problem. Only yesterday a family member was having a stressful moment and I ended up in the firing line. A heartfelt sorry broke the tension I was feeling and there was no issue.
Sometimes I find it difficult at first to say sorry for I make it about me as I feel I have done something wrong and blame myself. It isn’t long before I let go and surrender within my body and an apology is said with ease and an equalness is felt by all.
Saying ‘sorry’ with an ease, with no self critique or judgment makes one realise that there’s neither right or wrong, there simply is a learning to be gained.
When it comes to saying or hearing that little yet very powerful word ‘sorry’ expressed we all can instantly feel and know whether it is said sincerely or not.
It just came to me that the title of your blog ‘The Power of Sorry’ holds the key – saying sorry is powerful whereas holding back and not saying sorry, is not – in fact, it is actually giving your power away.
Yes. Saying sorry without agenda or expectation is a really powerful thing to do.
A sincere and honest sorry , as well as taking responsibility for what it is that we are saying sorry for goes a long way and frees us from the imposition of living in the wrong of our doings.
Matilda I love this blog and I find the reflections offered here have been very supportive as I re-imprint my relationship with sorry. I have found that truly saying sorry in the past has been difficult at times, changing the way I see apologies and the support they offer for both parties has been a continuing step in my personal evolution. I have found that being able to apologize has had a tremendous effect on my relationships.
Saying sorry can indeed be very healing when for a long we have avoided saying sorry to not take responsibility and to not feel less. It is like letting go of the pride of being right when in truth you were not, the pride brings a hardness and protection in the body which is very harming in many ways, so then saying sorry and truly feeling and letting the ‘being right’ go is very healthy for the body.
So many things that happened in our childhood at home and at school give us the foundation we take into our lives without considering if that what we have taken on is true or not.
Yes, Lieke. And then there is the point that we can ask ourselves what all those things are and whether we choose to keep them as part of our way of being or not.
Forcing others to say sorry, especially children, can also be a very harming action. I have heard many deep hurts expressed as parents doing the wrong thing and then forcing the child to say sorry. There are times when not saying sorry is the right approach.
We all make mistakes and the act of saying sorry does so much in correcting the situation
There is a simplicity that comes with saying sorry, when it is appropriate, yet there is, at times, an almost comical complication of words comeing out whenever we try to explain ourselves whilst avoiding using this word.
Recently I have been noticing that when I have said sorry and it has come from a quality of feeling no less than another but said with a deep respect for myself knowing I am not perfect, a beautiful healing occurs. Not only does the other person melt but I feel incredibly humble and surrendered.
Often the sorry is to ourselves. When I can truly feel the harm I’ve done to myself as well as others in a situation and I have been able to work out where it all began, I know I have taken responsibility and will no longer be in judgment of myself or another. This is very liberating and empowering for others too.
There is a real humblenes I feel in reading your blog Matilda. It is so simple and yet it is very difficult for many people to say they are sorry. Pride and needing to be right often take over and then a stubbornness comes in and the person convinces themselves they are right. It takes a willingness to consider that you may actually not be right and that being right isn’t it anyway, but it’s about feeling the truth in any given situation.
Saying sorry is like a bomb detonator – it diffuses a situation so that it doesn’t contribute to other situations with a person until one day ‘boom’ there is an explosion of anger, resentment or criticism that doesn’t fit what has just happened. Saying sorry takes humility and responsibility.
I love this bomb diffuser analogy. Saying a true sorry completely takes the wind out of the sails of conflict.
I can relate to learning early that taking responsibility or saying I was sorry for others mistakes was a symptom of feeling over responsible for others or trying to seek approval or acceptance. Similarly I can relate Matilda to learning to admit I made a mistake was to make myself vulnerable to attack from others. These days it is okay to feel the fragility and not brace myself in the protection of ‘perfectionism’ especially when it does not exist.
In some instances or extremes these days it seems it is illegal to say Im sorry because it would void your insurance and mean you are culpable or responsible and therefore financially responsible to compensate another. Always looking for someone to blame does not seem to really work either so what would it look like if we all started to look at and take responsibility for what we create in life?
To be able to say I’m sorry is such a freeing admission these days. It means that I don’t have to live up to some unrealistic standard of perfection nor try to avoid the excruitiating shame that comes with those standards.
Is it the accepting and gentleness with ourselves that is so liberating? I certainly feel so.
Accepting our responsibiilty without expectation and judgement about another’s response supports us to understand our role in any conflict.
Apologising is very different to feeling sorry for someone or for ourselves, and in the sorry giving our power away or imposing this on another.
Taking responsibility is key, not using sorry to maneuvre our way into or out of something.
The intention behind the sorry says it all – there is no denying this will be felt by all to be genuine or insincere.
Yup. As with all we say, if it is empty ‘unlived’ words or lived, experienced and real – we feel the difference. The former keeps us in the falseness and facade of what we think life should be and the latter opens us up to each other through honesty.
Such a small word can have such a loading onto it by how we use it, there is much more going on when we focus on the how a word is used rather than the words itself. If such a focus was practiced and introduced into life more then what would this bring to our relationships? From experience there is a greater understanding of the state of a person in that moment, less can be hidden and much more transparency which doesn’t keep us stuck in a fog of confusion about or in relationships with ourselves (this one I now feel needs greater focus as what are the qualities behind the words coming into my mind?) and others. Thank you Matilda.
I am realising that it is just as important to really be open and vulnerable with someone when listening to them nominate something they have done or said that was less than love as it is to learn how to say sorry myself. Also if I have to call out a behaviour of someone else this needs to be done with the utmost respect, tenderness and understanding. We are all so used to being judged or condemned for doing something ‘wrong ‘ that this has stifled our willingness to say sorry to each other and to be open and honest with each other.
The moment we sense a judgement whether said or unsaid there is no way we are going to feel like opening up and being vulnerable and saying sorry.
But isn’t that our responsibility? To hold steady with what we know to be true (in this case, to be vulnerable and say sorry) whatever someone else may or may not be saying or doing. Otherwise we are back in the quagmire of being at the mercy of other people’s behaviours.
In each situation discernment and reading of what is required, so saying ‘I am sorry’ may be required, which can be different in every situation so that I become responsible for the evolution of everyone equally no matter what I say.. the full responsibility of the energetic effect is mine.
Yes Matilda it is our responsibility to be open and vulnerable no matter what the response or reaction from the other person. To clarify I was expressing just how much responsbility we also have as the receiver of the apology to live in such a way that holds and understands and supports others to open up and be vulnerable.
Reading this again it occurs to me that there is a real art to saying sorry to someone and receiving a sorry from someone. And there are many beliefs around this that we have allowed to creep in. For example how many of us have experienced judgement from another person when we stuff up? How many times have we said sorry and not really meant it?
There is only one thing worse than someone that can’t say sorry and that is someone that apologisers for everything they do.
So true Kevin, same energy different ends of the spectrum all trying to protect a false sense of self.
Absolutely Kevin, saying I am sorry is some people are tripping over their tongues to say, and feels like something that was part of my life.
You are spot on Kevin as serial apologisers drive me crazy too – for their apologies are just empty and meaningless.
Matilda, I can feel with saying sorry that it can be said and genuinely meant or it can be said because it has to be said/is polite to say and the person saying it is not actually sorry and is actually avoiding taking responsibility for their actions, these two very different ways of saying sorry can be clearly felt, I notice this particularly with children when they say sorry.
There feels to be a strong link between saying sorry and taking responsibility for our choices that impact on others. A ‘true’ sorry can be felt in the body and the quality of this is truly healing. When we don’t claim the part we have played in what has happened and ‘duck and weave’ the level of discomfort is very strong and deep down we cannot avoid the truth.
Quite an exposing little blog, Matilda, so many people do not want to take responsibility for their mistakes, constantly make excuses, anything to avoid saying they are sorry for what they may have done, especially when they have hurt another. I experienced this with someone fairly close to me at one time, and it can be very hurtful to oneself to be constantly blamed for something. But on the other hand, at that time I was living with a very low level of self esteem, and was in the habit of constantly apologising for myself, constantly saying I was sorry for things not always being perfect, It is interesting to observe how each of these traits actually are just as harmful as each other, and how they each initially come from a belief about ourselves. How insidious it is to be run by beliefs of how we should be in our lives, rather than connecting to ourselves and living from that space, with no beliefs, just a deep knowing of the beautiful being that we are.
I have had experience of several people in my life who believed “saying sorry was an admission of failure and a weakness, something to be avoided at all costs”. It is interesting to observe this trait in some people, and how they can avoid ever taking responsibility for their actions. At times it can even come to ridiculous situations such as one I experienced when sitting at a dinner table with a group of people including a couple of young children. There was a point when one guest knocked his wine glass over suddenly, and immediately turned to his young son and began to berate him for knocking over the glass. On that occasion it turned into a very amusing evening as it was so obvious what truly happened, and it was turned into quite a joke. But the truth is that some people will go to enormous lengths to not take responsibility for the own mistakes. It is no wonder then, that children learn to also not want to take responsibility for mistakes when they see how so many adults do exactly that. We adults are the role models for our children, another huge responsibility we have to be responsible ourselves. Thank you Matilda for bringing up this subject.
Great point about role models. Children definitely learn more from observation than being told so yes it is absolutely our responsibility as adults to live in a way that shows children a way to be that is honest, consistent and full of integrity. Less telling and more showing by being.
Saying sorry with its true intent and taking responsibility is a great healing in its self. So many times people can use the word sorry and not truly mean it, they say it like a passing word. It is with on,y true intent that the healing takes place for one self and others.
This is brilliant Matilda, and it would have been great to have learnt this in school decades ago. Please, all teachers and teaching assistants reading this, can you bring it into your teaching at school about the importance of being able to say sorry, truly meaning it with simple honesty. It will save a lot of hiding, hassle and heartache to all concerned. It is completely life changing to say sorry with responsibility and no shame.
Being responsible is taking over me being sorry. I would always feel sorry for my self or others and would say do not worry I would take that sorry feeling on! I now am appreciating the vast levels of insecurity I had around feeling sorry.
Taking responsibility for ourselves and our behaviours is so important in our evolutionary unfolding. Saying sorry only means something if it comes from a true intent, if it is truly felt in the body.
Thank you Matilda for sharing your experiences.
Here in Australia we had a ‘sorry’ day in recent times, to acknowledge past injustices in the country’s history. What struck me is how on one hand this simple word was very powerful, but on the other how it could be like a line drawn in the sand, a cutting off, like everything is ‘sorted out’. It seems we will do anything to avoid feeling the full consequences of our actions. Yet if we were to let ourselves sense the full impact of the unloving words we have said, the harsh gestures we have made, the selfish pursuit where we have stayed, well then isn’t this the very thing that will stop us in our tracks and provide impetus, for a new tack? To be truly sorry seems to mean feeling everything to our very last cell of our being, not wanting to make it better or escape from our responsibility.
I always find that saying sorry allows me to reflect on what I am saying sorry for and to get to the truth of what has happened. This is usually a great learning for me.
I have learned that when you are truly sorry you naturally want to make adjustments to ensure you don’t allow the same harm to happen again.
For me saying sorry is forgiving myself and accepting myself the way it is. It dissolves the tension in my body and allows the flow. Thank you for sharing the blog and reminding the beauty of saying ‘Sorry’ and feeling it truely in the body.
Yes, responsibility is key, and, willingly accepted it is very inspiring.
Matilda this is what I have come to understand how we can truly be with ourselves and living in this world – “simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” Once I started to let go of having to know it all and be right and surrendered to where I am and who I am then there is not making mistakes only opportunities to make different choices that are going to be full of Love and Truth. Anything that is not this we can learn from and not repeat patterns that are there to keep us in separation.
As we choose to expand sorry becomes s-o-r-r-y am I really feeling that, then we claim the ‘opportunities’ to expand even more, with no S-O-R-R-Y just the humble truth!
A great short blog that makes sense. Thank you for bringing this subject to the fore Matilda.
I like what you say about ducking and diving in your past to avoid responsibility.
Why is it that we generally do not want to take full responsibility for all of our choices?
Why is it that we think it is ok to not apologise when we clearly know we have done something wrong?
Why do we find it so hard to say sorry most of the time?
If we look at what responsibility is saying to us –
Why is it that we avoid being confronted by someone who is upfront, honest and taking responsibility?
Why is it that we judge others who live a very truth-full life?
Why do we react to those who are bringing absolute truth to this world?
Why are we jealous of others who make choices based on responsibility?
Why do we feel it is ok to dismiss those who are living with the utmost responsibility?
These questions need to be asked all of the time as we are as you say “an integral, essential part of humanity”. That means we cannot escape the fact that our responsibility, if we know better must be activated so others have a clear reflection that there is another way.
What you say here Bina let’s us know that Responsibility is about taking responsibility for ALL AREAS OF OUR LIVES. It’s only when we are doing that can we truly say that we are Responsible. ALL PARTS HAVE TO BE CONGRUENT.
Saying ‘Sorry’ is also something that I can say to myself. Treating myself with gentleness and understanding leaves the body spacious and sparkling.
When someone expresses truthfully their sorry it can be very healing for both, restoring harmony with the opportunity for relationship to continue evolve. When sorry is said without sincerity the relationship can become stagnant. It’s not the just word ‘sorry’ it is the truth and integrity in which the word is expressed.
A pre-requisite to being able to truly say ‘sorry’ is that one cares about truth and realises that the health and wellbeing of our body, our relationships and our society is based upon this.
Saying sorry is a bit like the systems that support homeostasis in the body – saying sorry restores balance to the situation so that truth and love are re-established.
Restoring homeostasis (harmonious working together) – brilliant, Lyndy.
Saying sorry, when it is truly connected to, is a full acknowledgement of your part in something and then being able to move on. The word itself means nothing, even if it’s been said a thousand times, if there is no connection to and understanding of the all.
I so relate to this Matilda. I the past saying sorry came with a truck load of shame and guilt and was avoided at all costs. These days, it’s a very different story…one that embraces mistakes and responsibility as part of my own unfolding development. Great blog and relevant for us all.
Thank you, Sara. Embracing mistakes as beautiful opportunities to learn (not only for ourselves but for others too) is a lovely way to stop the self-critique in its tracks. Saying a true sorry is accepting the learning on offer.
Saying ‘sorry’ has the capacity to re-establish and restore a harmony, that otherwise would be a tension-filled space, be it in the body, the environment or within a relationship between two people.
In the past saying’ sorry’ was associated with so much guilt and shame – but the power of saying ‘sorry’ with complete honesty and no attachment is empowering and healing.
Sorry is a word that is important to get in right balance.
I used to say ‘sorry’ a lot, as a way of apologising from myself by simply being in a room, as if everyhting I did was wrong. But I came to realise that this was just an excuse for not claiming who I am and a way of keeping myself small, in other words a total lack of responsibility. Saying sorry for something you have done that has hurt another however, when said in truth has a completely different meaning. We all make mistakes as none of us are perfect, but our biggest mistakes are the ones we can learn from the most and if we allow ourselves to feel the impact of this on others then our ‘sorry’ comes from deep within and the truth of it will be felt.
There is no shame in saying sorry…. it can be very healing for both parties and sometimes all that is needed to end the dispute and to put the blazing guns down.
In the past I too said ‘sorry’ with the feeling of being in defeat, or feeling shameful because what I had done was exposed, which then led to patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing. However, I am now learning to not get caught in the emotion of sorry, which feels self harming in the body, but instead express how I feel openly and honestly from the hurt, with no blame or shame.
I like what you write here about taking responsibility for ourselves and for when we have made mistakes. You bring a lightness to what is normally quite a heavily weighted discussion and words. Thank you.
Mathilda, this reminds me of when I was a child and my mum would say to me that I needed to apologise to another about something I had done which was not respectful. She always made it clear that the apology was necessary, however, she also made it clear it had to come from the heart, that it was not just about the words and ticking the box – she would always allow the space to come to the understanding that what we had done had hurt another and so then the apology could come from a space of truth rather than just doing what was ‘required’ or seen as ‘right’. For a true apology is felt deeply, never puts oneself down, but always considers self and another.
Sometimes it is best to say sorry. When we are connected to our heart, we will know when. If we don’t do what is necessary, if we delay it or lie about it, we make it into a much bigger issue.
Matilda I love how you now use the word ‘sorry’ in full responsibility now – it shows that when we use words in relation to their true meaning and how we are truly feeling, then it makes a huge difference.
You can feel when someone says sorry but does not mean it and you can feel how healing it is when it is said and truly meant from the heart. In my opinion, sorry is not about admitting you are wrong and someone else is right. It is about taking responsibility for the disturbance we have caused and saying we are committed to changing it going forwards.
Sorry begins firstly in acknowledging the fact that something wasn’t right. In not admitting this to ourselves, we continue on the same path and inevitably end up in a position where we do have to admit that things need to change… and end up with a bigger ‘sorry’ than we began with.
The power of being able to say sorry is quite incredible, to be able to be humble, know that we don’t have all the answers, that there is more to life than being right. I have found for me, being able to say sorry and express that, has created the opportunity to for to go deeper in many relationships.
The power of ‘sorry’ I feel has the potential to clear the choices we’ve made and it can only be done when it is fully expressed from our heart, without feeling less or degrading ourselves but with full commitment and honesty. I have witnessed class scenarios of kids being forced to say ‘sorry’, I have done this in the past myself, it feels awful, empty and nothing truly changes. I am learning with any words we express, when expressed with love and truth, has the power to heal, bring in true change and inspire.
Beautiful sharing, Matilda, a really important subject. Yes, many people feel it is weak to ever say they are sorry, but in many cases, it can actually take much courage for someone to admit to their mistakes, take responsibility for them, and express how sorry they are. To me, that demonstrates a great strength, not a weakness. Having too much pride to be able to say one is sorry brings so many people undone in the end. How much more simple it can be to be willing to feel and express how sorry one feels.
There is a humbleness and humility that comes with saying sorry. Being willing to say ‘oops I stuffed up and I’m really sorry for that’ without beating ourselves up, or putting the blame on the other person drops the need for perfection from ourselves and others.
Something I’ve discovered, and also found increasing ‘ease in the doing’ also, is that it’s about the WAY in which I may apologise to another for a transgression, or something which caused them harm. This comes from a willingness to reflect deeply within oneself, and an honouring of the other party involved. None of us need be perfect, we are all always learning. It just seems that we can be so very fearful of what may come back at us if we drop our own walls down. The thing is, rarely have I experienced ‘attack’ coming back when I have truly dropped my defences – it is, rather deep understanding and love which has usually met me back in kind.
Thanks Victoria, that is a great perspective on genuine learning from a mistake! Love it and what is presented by Matilda. ‘Sorry’ need not be a cop out but an opportunity to deepen with ones own connection with responsibility. It is a counter point to greet – that responsibility sets us free! Freedom from the same mistake (maybe – as it may take a few lessons) but also the opportunity to display the responsibility and freedom that connects us to who we truly are.
Beautifully said Andrew. And so our capacity to hold both ourselves and others in the deepest understanding deepens – with no end…
We’ve been brought up to defend and hold walls to others that do not really serve us at all, do they Matilda… Our defensiveness and fear of being judged, our own judgment of ourselves… it all holds us separate and apart from each other. And we wonder why conflict is so endemic upon our globe?
Great point, Victoria. If we have built our defences then we must be defending against something, so we anticipate and therefore create conflict. An artful mess all to avoid responsibility…
There are so many ways in which saying sorry has deviated away from simply being an expression of responsibility – in fact it is also possible to be the opposite and used in avoidance. Feeling the intention in its expression reveals much as to whether we are taking responsibility.
What you’ve shared here is so important Matilda. That there need be no giving away of ourselves in saying ‘sorry’, when it comes from heartfelt reflection and recognition of something that’s occurred, and we hold ourselves and all others in the deepest of understanding.
Stubbornness and pride stop people from saying they are sorry. I’ve seen this a lot, and have been there myself but digging our heels in and not apologising when it is needed doesn’t allow the situation to resolve.
In the past I was hugely stubborn and would never be the first to say sorry….. mmm, maybe time to ponder if there are any remains of that old energy hanging around me.
This week at work, I was a little pushy with someone, bossy, I guess you’d say. I felt it in myself and I saw what it did to the other person. They shut down and the ease with which we usually work wasn’t there. When I realised, I said I was sorry for the way I’d been and explained what was going on for me. The other person melted. It totally diffused the situation. I was genuinely sorry and they would have felt that.
Thank you, Sandra, it is so supportive to here real life stories about what taking responsibility looks like and the impact that saying a true sorry has.
There are different ways to say ‘sorry’: true and untrue. I’m conscious of the word sorry being over used and as a way of putting ourselves down when we feel unsure or concerned we may have hurt another, when we haven’t. I’m sometimes prompted to say ‘you don’t have to apologies, you’ve done nothing wrong,’ especially when someone has expressed their own view and then feels prompted to say sorry as a reflex response and form of protection. When we say sorry as a genuine acknowledgment of something said or done that hurts another it is felt as true and can be healing for both people.
Not shirking responsibility is a an area that needs constant development for me, and I assume for many others. What I understand responsibility to be is continually deepening, and so my honesty and awareness of not denying I am responsible continues to grow.
I work with young children so them ‘having to’ say sorry to each other a lot as they may hurt each other or say what are classed as ‘unkind’ things to each other. What I have noticed is child A is made to apologise to child B and usually child B replies with, ‘That’s ok’. Each time, something in this scenario doesn’t feel right. Now having read this blog I can feel how the point is being missed in saying sorry as there is no responsibility on either child’s part but almost an acceptance that ‘the ‘naughty’ act is ok so long as I say ‘sorry’.
For me in the past I found it very hard to understand the word “sorry” and the purpose – for example …. When you’re a child growing up you do something wrong in a grown up persons books and you get told to say sorry and all you hear is say sorry , say sorry not knowing the real purpose or when it comes the other way people saying sorry to you and you can feel it not being sensor. So sorry hasn’t been a word that has cut it for me in the past. What I have come to realise now for me saying sorry is taking responsibility for any wrong doing that I feel in my own body that I have cursed to another and then saying sorry and how freeing that has now become in my body. Thank you Matilda, a real joy to read your blog.
Thank you Matilda for such a beautifully honest sharing, I was the opposite of you I used to say sorry all the time. I said ‘sorry’ more than was needed because I felt less than others or to manipulate a situation or to be liked. Having exposed my over-use of the word sorry, there were times when I just said the word to smooth things over, but now living more responsibly when I say sorry to another it is more sincere and true.
I work at a call centre, and saying sorry is a big part of what we do, and thanks to this blog, I started paying attention and noticed how I try detaching myself from it and there’s tension in my body that arises and says ‘whatever you are complaining about in fact has nothing to do with me, it’s not my fault’ and such a big deal it actually is for me to say the word. It feels like it is actually saying more about the level of commitment I have with my work, and my relationship with what the company offers and represents, and my responsibility in my role – and whether I am absorbing instead of observing.
There definitely feels like a difference between saying sorry in the way you do Matilda, with “simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes”, and the way saying sorry is usually demanded of others. When someone feels entitled to an apology, there is a need for a declaration of who is wrong and who is right, who has been wronged or who can be blamed – no simple honesty and a willingness of both parties to learn from mistakes. No wonder people find it difficult to say sorry – such a lot to take on so that the other person can feel blame-free or exonerated.
Taking responsibility is so powerful and in fact an self-empowerment act. Time to discover this not just in theory.
Saying “I’m sorry” and truly mean it requires us to take responsibility. But avoiding it is taking a step away from responsibility and indulging in “being right” often through blame of another.
The truth in saying sorry is in recognising that there is a way to live within the womb of God and co-creation, while being aware of all past choices to live in separation from it. Being aware and sober about the momentum of those choices keeps us alert as to the way forward, without recrimination, guilt or remorse, but with a light hearted joy and knowing of who we truly are and how we can choose to live.
Truly saying sorry, not as a tokenism but deeply felt and sincere, is very freeing and redresses the balance – it means to take responsibility rather than throwing the rubbish out of the car window and leaving it for others to pick up the pieces.
There is also another side to saying ‘sorry’. I have never had a hard time saying I was sorry for something I had done to cause harm, but actually I have gone too far by saying sorry for many things that were either not a big deal or that I was not even responsible for. This I have realised was caused by me wanting to fix everything that is wrong with the world and bearing these issues on my own shoulders, instead of merely being responsible for me and my own actions. In a nutshell, absorbing the problems, emotions, struggle, around me instead of observing it and being me within the world.
Great point, not being willing to say sorry is about not wanting to take responsibility “I no longer want to shirk responsibility.” I now am more aware of why I feel more amazing, loving and powerful with expressing a sorry, it is because the willingness to be responsible is greater. How could we feel any other way but more powerful when we take responsibility.
I have talked about the power of sorry a lot, with family, friends and our children. I can feel something in my body is reconfigured when I embrace saying ‘sorry’ fully, it feels like the thing that I was not being loving or caring about is exposed. I am no longer pretending to be right or blame some one else. I can feel that when I am willing to say sorry it is a freeing feeling and I am not beholden to the emotions and issues that were preoccupying me.
Saying sorry from the heart, is deeply healing for all who express it and observe it. It brings clarity and offers honesty in a situation. I feel like I deeply heal and deepen my inner connection when I am honest and say sorry for something that I have said, done, thought that was not from love.
I appreciate sorry. I appreciate how, when it can feel tricky to say, if we go for it, it ultimately feels deeply empowering. I feel more loving, full, powerful, claimed humble, honest, amazing when I free myself from trying to be right – just put my hands up (gently) and say sorry.
Yes, dropping the guards and protections and simply going for it, saying sorry because it is felt, not out of shame or self abuse, is really amazing and revelatory.
When someone says sorry and they truly say it not from a sense of shame of self-bashing but from the tender realisation that a certain behaviour harms another (and themselves) it’s truly beautiful and healing. If it doesn’t come with that feeling it’s an empty gesture.
Sometimes I think that if I avoid saying sorry then it will be as if what ever I did disappeared, this could not be further from the truth. By admitting when you are out and being able to be vulnerable and humble is a great strength.
Studying The Way of The Livingness really gets you to the understanding of responsibility. Responsibility transforms from being a scary monster to being your best friend.
How often do we let a stupid thing like pride get in the way of us saying we are sorry and how much harmony could be brought to the world if everyone could adopt the same relationship with the words as you are having Matilda.
Love it… exposing the ‘stupid thing like pride’ that gets in the way of being open, honest, humble and responsible in all our interactions with each other.
I use to say sorry for anything and everything, almost saying sorry to be alive or just breathing. I am now more careful on how I am using this word.
Matilda I was only contemplating the other day how it is getting easier for me to say sorry when in the past I have stubbeningly held onto being right. This seems to have definitely played out in the relationship with my partner, which has made me realise it is harder for me to say sorry to some people then others.
There is a great humbleness in saying sorry, in not needing to be right but I also feel the less arrogance we live in, the less apologies are necessary.
“…saying sorry with ease…” disarms the ‘Fort Knox’ of defense we actually lock ourselves, our body into, all in the name of protection. Truth and stepping forward when realising a ‘sorry’ is needed, unlocks this matrix of protection that we ironically think is keeping us safe, but in fact, is squashing the living day light out of us.
Great point, it does allow our protection to be lessened and we can become more open through being honest and expressing an apology. I have felt how I have layered more protection when I have tried to hold on to being right, and so true when we are honest we ‘unlock the matrix of protection’.
Saying sorry is when we are so observant of what you have contributed the expression that will be evolutionary for the all or humanity and when there is divine purpose we rarely if ever put ourselves in a position to say I am sorry!
When you offer a sorry based on “simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes” you actually offer much much more. The sorry comes unloaded with guilt, shame, embarrassment, forced politeness etc… and actually allows the recipient to feel the openness of the offering and not be loaded up with the offerer unloading all this other stuff on you!
Love this, Sarah – the fact that we can ‘unload’ words – bringing them back to their true meanings – by being honest, open and willing to learn.
Words can be used as a manipulation if not coming with a true intention. Trying to smooth things over without taking responsibility. Words like sorry and I love you can be empty if there is no genuine connection or can also be uniting and empowering when truly felt.
The act of saying ‘sorry’ is usually associated with some form of punishment or disagreement and we all carry an imprint from childhood where it wasn’t good. As there is no perfection we all make mistakes or fail to live up to arrangements and there is a need to say sorry. This happened to me recently and saying sorry was my part but I could feel an underlying disconnection between us, which possibly had the arrangement go haywire in the first place. Sorry was an opportunity to discover what was energetically underlying our failing to meet and a time of deeper loving connection.
Its amazing how quickly we can go into defence and guilt mode, immediately going into the head to put together a sorry excuse for our defence. Recently this happened and I went straight into what I could have done wrong, picking at myself to see any faults and failings, but I stopped myself realising that there is no perfection, and instead appreciate all that I had contributed. The default mode of feeling guilty, or always thinking I’m wrong and have to say sorry is a pattern I can leave behind, it really does not support a body of self love.
I often think that if we could dispense with guilt and shame the world would be a very different place – leaving us free to take responsibility without the need to be punitive.
Thank you Matilda, when we say sorry from a genuine place of taking responsibility it is us letting go of the protection and surrendering more to the fragility and humbleness within and that is very healing in itself.
I agree Matilda and as you say it’s not the word alone that makes the difference but how you say it, the quality of energy of how it’s said. This is the case on anything, words alone don’t change anything but teamed up with the quality of the energy behind those words and the world changes. Anyone can become a ‘salesman’ on words alone but the true ‘test of metal’ comes down to what is behind the words we speak.
Absolutely, Ray. Empty words and platitudes or full expression backed up by example – this is our choice and starts with a willingness to have an honest relationship with ourselves.
It is interesting that we do try to avoid at all costs being exposed how we have made a mistake and not wanting to have to admit this is actually very damaging. This pride that is extremely arrogant doesn’t want to take ownership for the irresponsibility that has been chosen. After attending Serge Benhayon’s teachings and The Way of the Livingness I have been able to let go of this arrogance and give myself the grace to learn. This is massive because I have always had such high expectations of myself to know it all which stops me from being myself in what I do. Along with also having ridculous expectations for others.
The transparency that saying ‘sorry’ offers can be the foundation for the development of a deeper relationship. Being open and honest leaves nothing in the way of moving a relationship to the next level.
A heartfelt sorry is always expanding to give and receive. A sorry for the sake of sorry cements us in the stubbornness rather than accepting the opportunity to learn and grow.
It really is extraordinary the lengths we will go to when we have these hurts… For me it was very similar in that making mistakes ( what comes before having to apologise ☺) was anathema to me, and the shame that was there would affect everything and consequently my life was very influenced by this… Imagine just starting to understand that it is only through mistakes that we can actually evolve – what a revelation.
There is a definite difference between being sorry, apologetic, regretful, and in taking sensible responsibility for choices made in error due to the energy that you have aligned to which, to be fair, only gave you a certain array of choices to begin with. So the journey of understanding why we make choices that lead us to regret is in the understanding of the different qualities of energy and the realities that they create. From there we have the power to truly choose not only our energetic alignment but also the quality of the world we all live in.
It’s funny saying sorry can be one of those things where we say it all the time and apologise for the slightest of things or we can hold back and refuse to admit when we have done something that we do not want to take responsibility for.
The pendulum swing of irresponsibility, Julie, yes. Two apparently different behaviours (which I have often used and sometimes even in conjunction with each other) that are borne out of the same avoidance of responsibility.
Recently I had someone say sorry to me because of the way that she had been with me. I got to see that in those moments it is so important to stay steady in myself, to not fall into playing “good and nice” and to just allow another to feel what they need to feel and to express. What I discovered was that by staying steady within myself the other person could receive their own healing by bringing awareness to what they had done and then through connecting and being transparent they received a healing.
The smallest of true changes often have the most enormous impact as if often affects every part of our life. This is a great example Matilda, that on the surface seems like it is just about a word, but behind it is lifetime of so much more.
“I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” Your words are a joy to read Mathilda and yes saying sorry can be a true testament to allowing ourselves to be completely open to the honesty and learning of life in any situation. A truly humbling surrender to a life lived from responsibility.
This blog has brought up a memory of when I was a young child and my Mum did something that made me mad as anything – this was a rare occasion in our house as things were generally pretty light-hearted and I would never normally have acted deliberately ‘badly’! But on this occasion I began to deliberately play wrong notes in the piano piece I was practising as I knew this would drive my mother crazy – and sure enough it did. I got sent to my room (hadn’t thought the whole thing through) for the morning and was not allowed to come out until I had said ‘Sorry’. Eventually having finished everything I wanted to do in my room I went out and said I was sorry when I didn’t feel sorry one little bit, so I was sent back to my room until I was really sorry. There was no dialogue about the whole scenario and I didn’t know what to do, but then realised that I just had to be a really good actress to get through this one. In such a scene no truth can come from saying ‘sorry’, it has to be something said of one’s own freewill and in true reconciliation.
What is so beautiful about this blog is that it is showing a real openness, seeing what is going on, reading the situation and then not being afraid to offer an apology if that is what is needed. There is great freedom in this. We need to cling on to no position at all, but simply come back to the love that we are and express.
All these comments have opened up so many new things for me to explore. This openness, Lyndy, is incredible and so far from the thoughts I used to have about it being dangerous. Honesty with myself is super refreshing too.
The word sorry is often abused when we say sorry because we think it will smooth things over and manipulate a situation by saying sorry and continuing to do whatever they just apologised for without taking responsibility and any true acknowledgment of harm to ourselves or others.
So true Margaret, you can really feel the difference when sorry is said in a genuine manner or as an empty word.
There’s sorry and then there’s sorry. We can always feel the level of genuineness and intent behind a sorry and whether it comes with a lesson learnt, or simply words to relieve someone from a tense situation.
Well said Kylie. That is so true and both parties know and feel the difference.
I remember feeling like saying sorry would mean one thing – trouble… That admitting or taking responsibility meant you would be in trouble. It’s taken a while to let go of this and see the beauty of responsibility and being fully accountable for my choices, and the blessing this then brings to others.
And I have found that the only way to reset habits is to turn and face them, as it were, and then we can see clearly their root and make a choice as to whether they support or not.
“. . . simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” This sentence is very lovely, humbling, heart connecting and inspiring to read and feel. Thanks for offering such a great reflection Matilda on the simplicity and beauty of the true meaning of sorry.
Yes, Marika, this is true. My developing relationship with the word ‘sorry’ is part of my willingness to learn from and be open to all that life has to offer, particularly in relationship with others – this is definitely empowering.
I have been at the other end of the scale of saying ‘sorry’ too often, and recently have been working to stop myself from being so apologetic which was not only through saying sorry, but through the way I acted around people I would look up to and would decide I am not as good as. Reading this article I realise that we have placed so many images and interpretations around the word ‘sorry’, but there is actually a great deal of clarity and power when we truly look at a situation responsibly, accept our equalness and the accountability where relevant and when we remain transparent, caring and open in our communication. The word ‘sorry’ in this context is very empowering and uniting.
Saying sorry for me nowadays is usually after an ahah moment when I have realised that there is in fact something that I had missed that may have had to be pointed out to me, something that I was not aware of at the time but now am.
Rereading your first paragraph Matilda I realised that I was the very opposite of this. In fact I was quick to admit that I was wrong and constantly apologizing to keep myself small . And on the flip side I did not take well to other peoples’ apologies, so much so that I never made my children apologize; instead I would say ‘changing your disposition is more important than saying an empty, hollow sorry and then repeating the offense the very next time it comes around.’ The word sorry brings up quite a lot when you scratch the surface . . .I love how you have made ‘sorry’ simple and empowering.
Thank you, Kathleen. The combination of inspiration and responsibility as we explore the true meanings of words is really cool. I am blown away by what is being shared and offered in all the comments here.
Expressing sorry from deep within us releases us from the negative emotions and reactions of something we did, and takes us back to feeling how gorgeous we are again. We’re not perfect and it’s ok to make mistakes, but then move on once we realise ourselves with simple honesty.
I love how you relate avoiding saying sorry to shirking responsibility. Saying sorry, when appropriate to do so, opens doors wide in our relationships with each other and is much preferable to putting up a barrier.
‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes’. So true Matilda.
The strange thing is that when I used to realise I had been hurtful to another I would find this so painful that I would withdraw as if I would try and hide from what I had done and would now need to stay away from them. Yet this is the ultimate irresponsibility as this way we both will stay in hurt and disconnection whereas standing tall and saying sorry would clear all that.
Our intention behind saying sorry is what makes the apology expansive and evolutionary or demeaning and contracting. What you have expressed here Matilda is so inspiring, thank you;
“instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing”.
This is a deconstruction of the idea of shame and guilt that so many religions and people carry. It is the false idea that we are not loved when we make mistakes. Oh, how have we been lied to! God’s love is unconditional.
I love this reflection on apology, Matilda. When it is founded in ‘honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes’, then it is authentic and true – and felt as such. We can always discern an insincere, tokenistic ‘Sorry’ from the real deal.
I see how i am becoming more responsible in my life and as i do, I feel more empowered, an inner strength and ability to be more open and honest with myself, others and life. Beginning to live a true life, not a life from reacting and its all about out there that’s doing this to me.
‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’ It definitely does not make one of us less when we take responsibility, it actually makes us equal. Responsibility is about us driving our lives as Matilda stated, not be driven by life, our fears, defences and so forth to protect us from being hurt.
This is such a great blog to read about the magnitude of saying ‘sorry’, it’s what is behind it…taking responsibility for something we had done and it had an affect on another. To say sorry with true intent, not just to get rid of feelings of guilt, actually is respectful to the other and for ourselves. It is an opportunity to learn for us and the other/s about human relationships.
Thank you, Karoline, this is beautifully said. Saying sorry is ‘not just to get rid of feelings of guilt’. For me it is definitely about responsibility and being inspired to learn.
I am one who never in the past had a great problem in saying sorry. I was constantly living in an apologetic way, fearful of upsetting others, holding back on expressing how I truly felt and excusing others from having to admit they were actually in the wrong. Since I came to know Serge Benhayon and been working on myself with the help of Universal Medicine, I no longer live this way. Now I take responsibility for the things that I truly am sorry about, but do not take on anything that is purely the responsibility of others.
This statement is the crux of what’s behind in holding back, avoiding or even saying sorry without meaning it. ‘What is flashing up for me now as I write is that this is what led to, or founded, my mastery of shirking responsibility.’ We can be do defensive, protective, reactive and so forth when it comes to taking responsibility for ourselves and a choice we had made, even if we make a so called mistake.
If we take responsibility it actually becomes a learning rather than a criticism, self persecution, or whatever to protect ourselves for some sense of hurt were not even aware off. Or is it to protect us from feeling vulnerable, not in control, open. Responsibility actually empowers us.
Such humbleness radiates from your writing, Matilda.
The ability to apologise without holding any shame, or being less than is a grace that blesses us all.
Saying sorry used to be hard for me also Matilda, but since learning to be much more responsible and committing to life, saying sorry is much simpler. Every now and then I catch myself delaying saying sorry and can feel that old energy sneaking in again. Great to feel this when it happens and acknowledge, I am not with myself, I have just let in an old pattern that I can now let go of.
What if we but stopped and felt truthfully the actual effects of what we do? What if we considered the hurt that comes from us not being true? There would not only be this genuine heartfelt ‘sorry’ that you mention Mathilda but also a real resolution to choose a different way. Because by numbing and overriding, glossing over and denying we just prolong a way of being that hurts and harms everybody. So let us stop and feel the truth of what goes on, without judgement we will know what belongs.
Yes there is that feeling out there that when you apologize you are less, that admitting you made a mistake makes you weak and wrong. Yet it is to our own demise to follow these thoughts because learning to admit we were not expressing truthfully and by that harmed someone to then say sorry is very valuable. It teaches us that we are not wrong but can make choices that are not loving and that in that case a sorry can be in its place. From that place I found the way forward with truth is much easier as you are not trying to hide and cover up mistakes and are more open for learning.
I love what you have expressed here Matilda, you have really have allowed me to understand why some people either never seem to be able to or find it very hard to apologize. It is interesting that some of us are learning to say sorry and some of us are learning to stop constantly apologizing our very existence.
Thank you Matilda. It is wonderful to read about your relationship with the word sorry. I can feel that this word and the way it is said or not said brings up a lot. As a little girl I was taught that saying sorry means taking responsibility for your actions and in recent times I have been able to feel that part of taking responsibility is letting go of the judgments I have with myself and others. When I say sorry and truly take responsibility it is a beautiful thing.
‘Sorry’ in the right context is a magic word, but in the wrong context it can be very harmful, encouraging the giving away of one’s power.
Rather than apologise so many go on the defence or try to justify their actions. Instead, as you write Matilda – ” I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” Having humility, vulnerability and fragility – what is so wrong with this?
Behind every word is an energy and how we say ‘sorry’ is no exception to this rule. Saying sorry when it is due with a full understanding that we are no less than a Son of God, brings absolute power to this simple word.
Being able to genuinely say we are sorry helps to defeat the ‘perfectionism’ illusion. To keep us on edge and apprehensive about making mistakes is part of the hold of this illusion. No one is perfect – we only have to bring our divinity into play and let it shine.
I imagine that there is not one of us who has gone into diving and ducking mode when there has been a mistake made and a force of rage and blame is standing simmering in front of us. It is that moment where we can now consciously stand and observe what has happened and then say ‘sorry’ if we have made a mistake. Then the ball is in the other person’s court and it is then their choice how they respond. Sometimes a genuine ‘sorry’ can instantly diffuse the situation, and at other times one has to wait for the raging reaction of the accuser to die down. Standing transparent and undefended is a great way to go.
This is a great commitment to taking responsibility, Lyndy – saying a genuine sorry without attachment to what will happen next. It is not about getting ourselves off the hook, but about being honest and willing to learn, both of which are great precursors for change.
It is important that we show our children how to say sorry, not in terms of saying the word, but how important it is to understand and feel the consequences of our actions, to be aware and feel how we have affected those around us. We can all feel energy all the time, it’s just a choice to be aware of what we are feeling, so it’s not hard to choose to live with this awareness and care for each other.
There is a saying ‘Actions speak louder than words’ …. words can be very empty and when someone says ‘Sorry’ without any feeling behind it, it hurts more than just not saying it at all, as the recipient, it’s like being treated as a fool, being placated without there being any sincerity, like getting a pat on the head. There is no responsibility taken and the behaviour often just gets repeated over and over. There is an arrogance from the offender and complete lack of regard for anyone else.
And this could apply to many words couldn’t it? If we are just spouting social niceties without living the quality about which we speak then they are just empty and further cementing us in the dishonesty with which we interact with one another. There is a real beauty to communicating honestly and with our words supported by the way we live.
A very honest sharing from you Matilda, thank you for reminding us all that we are not perfect.
That’s awesome Matilda. You’ve had me pondering when it is that I have trouble saying sorry. For the most part, I am and have always been willing to own up to my mistakes, accepting that I am only human. However there have definitely been times where I have tricked myself into believing that I have acted accordingly by coming up with some manipulative story to avoid being exposed through fear of what the other person/group my think of me once they realise I am not perfect. It’s crazy really, how scared we get of what others might think.
Of course saying sorry can be a way to shirk responsibility and avoid confrontation, such as taking the blame for the sake of peace. Yet the way Matilda expressed it resonated with me because it was clearly reflecting a freedom from guilt and self condemnation and a way to acknowledge ones part in a process of learning. This brings wonderment for me about how we are all truly unique and can approach our evolution in our own ways.
There is a beautiful surrender in saying sorry, when it’s heart-felt, any protection that there may have been, crumbles to the floor and we show ourselves as the vulnerable, sensitive beings that we are.
Matilda since reading your blog I have been surprised by how many times I can say ‘sorry’ in a day, and how many people would say sorry to me, it was quite an eyeopener. As I said ‘sorry to someone in a supermarket for something that was totally unnecessary, I said to the person that I read your blog and that I seem to say sorry a lot and she said…”I know I say sorry for so many things that I don’t need to say sorry for” I could really feel how we use sorry as an automatic response to someone to avoid conflict or retribution. It was great to feel the difference when it is said in truth or when it is said to appease another.
“not only masters of their own lives but an integral, essential part of humanity and all of our wellbeing” I felt this today how we are all a part of the whole that is divinity, we are all essential as you share and to fully appreciate this is something that brings the whole closer back again, we are always together and a part of the whole but until we live that we live in ignorance to the fact of our magnificence.
Matilda want you share “I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” , the word sorry is not often used with humbleness And willingness to learn, sometimes there is so much arrogance and attitude. Really it is about being honest and learning from our mistakes, by simply saying sorry.
‘I always thought that saying sorry was an admission of failure and a weakness, something to be avoided at all costs and derided when others said it.’ – This feels quite common and describes accurately something that many of us feel when we make a mistake or wrongly pass judgement. Does the world set us up in such a way that we absorb the hidden messages of not being good enough when exposed as getting something wrong and thus we feel we have to hide or discount the wrong choice. When we bring our choices back to our heart and the awareness is there when something said or done affects another and they feel less – then it is easy to bring a ‘sorry’ to this interaction with full loving intent.
Recently someone said sorry to me for the way that they had treated me when I was much younger, and the behaviour continued into my adult hood. What was so beautiful about this was that I was able to tell them how hurt I felt and their apology came with absolute sincerity. We then went onto to have a very honest talk about other things and this brought a connectedness that I had never been able to feel with this person. But what I was also able to appreciate is that I had treated others in a similar way in order to attract that kind of behaviour. So by being open and honest, a true healing was able to occur within a realtionship that in my younger days, I never imagined would change. It is thanks to Serge Benhayon that I have been able to understand that we are responsible for all that happens to us in life, and it is up to us to make changes in our own lives if we want life around us to change.
“I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” I love this level of honesty and openness and this is what an apology allows. There is no need to make ourselves feel less when we feel to apologise, just taking responsibility for what is past and moving forward.
Loved what you shared about the ‘ducking and diving mode’ Matilda, bit like guerilla warfare. Avoiding responsibility in this way certainly sets us up for complication and is really rather exhausting.
I was the opposite, I had made a life of being sorry and apologising for being me!
We’re all Masters of our own lifes. To me this means that I’m to let go of any belief, ideal or picture that I am responsible for anyone. This is something I’ve deeply invested in during my life. The consequences have been that I’ve been giving my power away by taking every critique very personally. Instead of just staying with me and allow myself to deeply connect to people about the consequences that ‘mistakes’ might have caused and say sorry. The way Matilda’s describing the humbleness and equalness about saying sorry, is inspiring and confirming that it is for me ‘just’ to be me.
It is interesting how we can shirk responsibility by not admitting the “oops, I did something wrong” but we can also use it in a way of making ourselves small being apologetic all the time so nobody asks more of us.
What comes to mind is that I always had a hard time saying thank you when I was a child and even into my early adulthood years, even in moments where I was truly grateful. My chest would beam for gratitude but the words wouldn’t form. I literally had to learn to say thank you, or more so expressing out what I was feeling.
We often don’t want to admit mistakes, seeing them as somehow a failure or something people will judge you for. i have learnt slowly over time how to say sorry and how freeing it can be
It is very freeing to say sorry, it gives a humbleness which shows that we are not perfect and forever learning.
I’ve seen how children are made to say ‘sorry’ to another child when often they aren’t willing to say it but know that when they do they’ll be allowed to go free and play again – and invariably act out the same behaviour. I always wonder what we are teaching children in this process. Many adults say they are teaching children right from wrong but what I see being taught is how to get out of being responsible by having a quick get out of jail card – saying sorry. There is a difference from teaching rules – e.g. you must not hit another, and supporting someone to be aware of how their actions are undermining the equalness of us all.
Saying sorry is incredibly freeing and something we can do if we feel ready to. often people don’t like to admit they made a mistake which is a shame, they carry burdens they don’t need to.
“What is flashing up for me now as I write is that this is what led to, or founded, my mastery of shirking responsibility” – I can so relate to what you are sharing here Matilda. When we refuse to admit we have hurt someone or have made a mistake I can feel the digging in of stubborn heels, not wanting to admit that the responsibility ball was dropped! This I have felt many times but also there is an “ouch” there in the realisation that we don’t want to feel. To move on we need to feel the “ouch” and let it go!
I’ve noticed that people often find it hard to say sorry. I always found an apology was recognising how the other person felt and understanding that what you did upset them. My mum was really great at showing me this, It was never a bad thing… People just make mistakes and we all have different feelings about things that its great to be open and responsible about.
” I had absolutely no idea how life-changing this was going to be. Simple and practical, the teachings have transformed every area of my life and for this I am hugely grateful.” So well said Matilda. I completely agree. It is life changing and so simple. You can’t help but love every part of it. Even the stuff that makes you squirm a bit… as you learn and evolve from it all.
Super sweet, Emily. Admitting and accepting that we have to go through some squirmy moments if we are to be free of patterns of behaviours that hold us imprisoned from ourselves and life and all the magic that both of those things are.
This blog shows me there are two ways to apologise. One that you are experiencing which is genuine and expressed from a respect of yourself and another. The other being more of a lip service, being nice at best without the commitment to ensuring that this situation doesn’t come about again.
To have the awareness and to feel the truth within and acknowledge this truth is a loving gift one can give oneself and another. Saying sorry allows a person to be fully known, held and valued. Although for this to be the case one’s foundation and where this apology is coming from is intricate to the healing that can come along with it. Thanks Matilda
Saying sorry with simple honesty and intent of forgiveness for wrong doing feels healing, but it can be said with little meaning and from arrogance.
The thing about saying ‘sorry’ is to actually mean it when we say it. When it is said in a way that makes the other people know that the consequences of their actions have been felt and dealt with then it is a very powerful expression. If it is just said to relieve the person who has made a mistake, and out of guilt then it is meaningless and actually causes more harm.
I have always felt the importance of being able to take responsibility when I’ve ‘messed up’ and to say sorry. When my children were little if I became really angry or frustrated, I apologised to them afterwards explaining that it wasn’t ok how I behaved. Interestingly, as they progressed through school, they often owned up to things they hadn’t done to save their friends from getting into trouble or so they would get a lesser punishment. In truth, this wasn’t actually ‘helping’ them at all as it’s saving them from fully taking responsibility for their actions and delaying them in learning the lessons that they need to understand and learn from.
We can bastardise words but never the true meaning of them.. We can say them in all ways – but the truth remains. We have been used to saying sorry from a disengagement to ourselves, from regret or blame, from shame or game.. From hardness or silence. But we are shown by this blog that it can be said from truth, responsibility and lightness and that sorry is not about bashing us in any shape or form. Thank you Matilda.
It’s true that we can go through life resisting admitting that we are wrong and avoiding saying sorry. It’s also true for some people that they have gone through life saying nothing but sorry. It’s typical of a lot of women in particular to say sorry all the time, feeling like they are always in the wrong or in the way of ‘more important’ people. In this way we can hold ourselves as less to others and walk around being one big apology. In this case apologising can be so dis-empowering, as it is not expressed as a truth but rather an excuse for holding ourselves as less.
The Way of The Livingness for me is the only way. I love the way it inspires me to be responsible and love both myself and people equally so that we all can grow together.
I feel I can relate to your experiences Matilda, of not wanting to take responsibility and finding ways to avoid saying sorry if possible. I did not want to look like the one who got it wrong or made the mistake. I see now how much growth and learning I missed and also that I was holding back from expressing how I felt, which to this day I am working with still. I am inspired by your blog to be able to say sorry with ease when needed. Thankyou.
As a society we have encouraged each other to be on the defence, to not take responsibility, to sue others for their actions, etc. Consequently this permeates into all areas of our lives, so we are unable to say sorry for the smallest thing.
For me as a child saying sorry was an admission of weakness, that I had failed, done something wrong and that would make my life unsafe. I have now discovered through learning to love myself and reconnect with my essence, I am safe in the humbleness of the love I feel when I say sorry, we are all equally love.
Saying sorry and truly meaning it with a humbleness and understanding is a true healing way to live and this is a beautiful blog Matilda, offering this wisdom thank you . All too often the word sorry is used flippantly and without the true depth it can be.
“I no longer want to shirk responsibility.” this for me stands out as a moment that I’ve also felt in my life recently, its a moment when I say yes to purpose and see the joy in responsibility. It has only come as my understanding of responsibility has deepened, not to be about duty and must do’s but about a purpose for humanity as a whole.
Developing conscious presence with our bodies is a simple key to bringing more honesty and awareness to our daily thoughts and way of being and a deeper foundation is re-built within. From this foundation perfectionism can be let go of and genuine mistakes can be seen for what they are, and true apology can be expressed. Expansion and spaciousness is then felt in my /our body
In saying sorry we are being real, this can be felt and allows others to feel.
This is incredible Matilda, I never considered how saying/not saying sorry affects/relates to self loathing, it makes sense, for we constantly berate and bash ourselves in self loathing for the things we have done, or do, feeling we are not good enough. But in the choice to say sorry it creates so much space, and doesn’t leave you or your body with the self-critique thoughts going round in your head. It brings an immense freedom and joy to you and your body to let this way of being go from life.
Absolutely. So ‘sorry’, truly said, is the key to opening up to a respectful, honest, understanding and appreciative relationship with ourselves and life. That is pretty cool to realise.
” The Way of The Livingness – a way of life that empowers everyone to know that they are in their own driving seats”. There is nothing more empowering than to know that every choice I make contributes to the life I experience. This is how I’ve gotten to understand what responsibility is and how my choices contribute to the world around us.
There is a deep healing possible in saying sorry when true responsibility is felt and expressed in feeling the effects of our actions.
What I have observed in life is that many people are willing to blame or attack another instead of taking responsibility for themselves and saying sorry I made a mistake or my error. People often go on the defensive protecting themselves in many ways, coming from underlying hurts which often come from childhood or growing up. The sorry can often be a token gesture with no true feeling or real depth behind it, often being said because they have been told to say it, but they don’t mean it, which actually hurts both parties involved.
Visiting the UK in the past I was struck by how often the average person apologised for what seemed to be to me no reason. It was as if there was a constant ‘excuse me for being here’ was being communicated. It had become a way of being and in that the erosion of a truly apology was visible. It is so easy to use the word sorry as a matter of speech rather then actually feeling what it is we are saying and why. IN this apologies have become not genuine and are therefore not received as such. To stop and really feel what it is we are apologising for and then communicating this is deeply healing for both parties.
So true Matilda, that to allow myself to say sorry and learn from the experience is hugely freeing of any self bashing and is because of this, an act of self acceptance.
It’s really interesting, how many children, I have observed working in schools, avoid saying sorry or saying in fact ‘ hey you know what, yep I made a mistake, my error’.
Matilda, this is gorgeous to read, ‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’ Wow, I can feel that this is how we learn, that if we allow ourselves and others the grace to make mistakes and learn from them and for ourselves and others to still be held in love then this is evolutionary, as opposed to us thinking that we have to ‘get it right’ and getting defensive if we make a mistake and therefore not learning from it.
“…I can think of numerous situations when a mistake I had made was exposed and I would go into full ducking and diving mode, working fast to devise a way to divert the problem onto someone or something else.”
I know this pattern very well and have acted it out my whole adult life. It is only recently that I am more willing to own up and go like ‘oops, that should have been done differently’ or even ‘that was really wrong’ without judging myself and then because of that self-judgment feeling too ashamed to admit to trying to divert it.
I had this incredible realisation one day that when I felt someone owed me an apology that what I was expecting the person to do was to lessen themselves, to feel bad, small and in the wrong. This was a big wake up call. No-one has the right to demand that of another and these days when I feel someone has made a mistake, I endeavour to find out what is going on for them, rather than blame them and expect them to feel miserable because of their actions. Learning to apologise, to be humble but to not lessen ourselves in any way is very important.
People have more respect for you when you are genuinely willing to accept you have made a mistake and say you are sorry, because lets face it we can always tell when someone is trying to shift the blame and then we can have mistrust of that person.
“And whilst these may appear small changes in my life, they are part of a bigger picture that has come about as I have worked with The Way of The Livingness –” I have also come to realise just how important our small choices are as they have a big impact on the larger stuff and how this ripples out to everyone.
Reading this blog brought new insight into a once close relationship that has broken down. I saw for the first time my part in what happened and that not apologising was holding me back from truly connecting with that person. I felt from my body the potential for healing that saying sorry would bring for both of us and on reflection I observed how I was guided to not phone this person until now – when I’ve been given the support I need to re-connect with humility, understanding and love. Thank you Matilda
As a child I’m not sure if I dodged saying sorry, but more became good at loosely reeling off the tongue so it had little or no meaning. I now know the beauty and power these words can have if used sincerely, if pride doesn’t stop us from truly expressing them.
I had never noticed it till moving from the US to England how much ‘Sorry’ is overly used. That would not be hard to top for Americans don’t know that word or just never use it, being one myself it was a word not often heard. I have found that when calling someone and you mumble or do not communicate clearly, they say Sorry what was that? It is like an automatic subservient response that, I have messed up, and you apologise? Because I am always at work early I am there with our office cleaner, and she is always apologising for me being in her way, and I respond never be sorry for me being in your way. It is slowly working with me at least with her, when I move out of her way she just says thank you now.
Sorry, when expressed truly and from the heart, is powerful for giver and receiver. It acknowledges a behaviour or remark that harmed another and releases the emotion attached to that behaviour. When we can’t say sorry, or take responsibility for our part in whatever happened, we are left unresolved emotions. Without this there is no true connection with another, or movement, and the relationship cannot evolve.
There are still times as a man when I struggle to say sorry, as though it is a huge dent in my pride to do so. But as they say, pride before the fall.
Expressing an apology – saying sorry – can be a beautiful moment,healing and empowering. And can bring the space for a re-connection between people that has been on hold because of a situation that has occurred.
Sorry for me was often used as a beating up of myself… always being apologetic for everything, but also a form of manipulation, as in I may be left alone if I say I’m sorry. And even receiving an apology can either be loaded with ‘back off’ or ‘look I said I’m sorry (but I’m not ready to give it up)’ or from a genuine non-judgemental responsibility.
We can learn so much from reading how we do anything – walk, talk, apologise, eat, sleep etc. from our bodies.
I love that you have chosen to now live the humbleness and willingness to learn from your mistakes… this is a deeply inspirational way to live, one we would all benefit from if embraced.
You say in your amazing blog Matilda ‘I no longer want to shirk responsibility. I no longer want to avoid saying sorry. And whilst these may appear small changes in my life, they are part of a bigger picture that has come about as I have worked with The Way of The Livingness –’
Saying that you no longer want to shirk responsibility and avoid saying sorry could appear to be small changes, doesn’t quite make sense to me, in the sense that these are enormous changes, life-changing changes. Can I ask, are you being in some way apologetic? You may not be, it is simply a question.
I can see a great link that you have made here Matilda, between being pronounced ‘wrong’ about something and having to say you are sorry. The whole ‘right and wrong’ paradigm that blights so many areas of our lives and is introduced to us very young by parents and teachers (who have had it introduced to them the generation before), is also operating here. Rather than seeing ‘mistakes’ as a learning process, they are made to be something ‘wrong’ and we are judged. This is enough to put anyone off apologising . . . when apologising truly can be such a great healing moment.
Yes it is so interesting Matilda how saying sorry is frequently seen as an admission of failure and a weakness. I am always full of appreciation for anyone who will apologise when the situation calls for it – it can only allow for a deepening of our love.I can also feel the beautiful freedom in myself when I do apologise to someone. It is like an awareness followed by a nomination, and that nomination helps us evolve.
So a truly said sorry literally clears the air, leaving us free to deepen and enjoy our relationships… how futile it is to avoid this.
It’s interesting that this transition came about naturally – through simply making more loving choices your way, your self responsibility has deepened. This is gold.
This is huge Matilda. A willingness to be humble, to learn from our mistakes and take responsibility is super valuable and a gift in any relationship.
What I love about this is the complete turn around for me on so many characteristics that I had ‘binned’ as negative. Humility being one; from considering it to be a weak attribute confined to religious text, I now embrace it as an essential and empowering one, that brings us back into unity with one another and brings me back into a loving relationship with myself.
The word ‘sorry’ was one that was often squeezed out of my mouth without any true responsibility for what had transpired… it would come with a resentment at being caught out for not being perfect, a feeling of now being less. Such a false story but one I ran with for years before attending presentations by Serge Benhayon where he presented (amongst many, many other things) that we are all equal and there is no perfection in life, and that the way we live is all about responsibility… and that just wipes out all the stories, and the games we play when we are not being honest with ourselves and each other.
I love this blog as it keeps unravelling more to consider as I read it. Saying sorry can be avoided if there is an attachment to being ‘right’, and on the other hand if one feels unworthy or ‘wrong’ ‘sorry’ may be their favourite word, apologizing for their existence. Neither would be true as they are born out of adopting certain beliefs and ideals, whereas when we connect and let our body speak it expresses the truth.
Oh yes this is s biggy. The constant sorry where one is apologising for their existence. This sorry and way of using it is very sad for the person who can not feel the loveliness within them.
Thank you Matilda, and Victoria. Reading this has been HUGE for me! More light shed here for me why i have easily said Sorry to others to apologize for and berating myself at the same time. It gave some little relief from feeling the deepest shame about having made a mistake. It exposes that it was beaten into me that i must never make mistakes. Admitting being wrong has been associated with deep humiliation and self loathing…It was like sprinkling salt onto a wound, one i cared not to allow myself to dwell on.. so saying Sorry, allowed some of the pressure to dissipate from myself and avoid further deliberation. Finally i can be free of this false belief. Mistakes are a learning, nothing to feel bad about. I can be free of the avoidance of feeling ‘wrong’ and self flagellation.
Thank you Matilda, for your genuine and inspiring sharing, “simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.”
Humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes is something that is sorely needed in society today. Many times I notice and see children and adults making fun of others for mistakes and in my opinion this is deeply harmful as we are saying it is not ok to make mistakes and mistakes come with being made fun of. Mistakes are simply opportunities to learn and grow.
Love what you bring here Matilda… sorry being a way of simply being honest – nothing more, nothing less. It is only when we tarnish it with images and pictures from our own ideals and beliefs, and those of others, that we loose the power and simplicity of saying sorry.
The word ‘sorry’ can be expressed as an acknowledgment that we have harmed our self and another and have felt the responsibility of this, and it can also be used as a manipulation and to avoid taking responsibility. We can be fooled by words if we do not feel the true intention in the delivery.
This is so true. A sorry without meaning is empty and simply mouth service. Often an empty sorry results in the hurtful behaviour continuing but a true heartfelt sorry allows for hurtful behaviour to be adjusted.
Awesome revelation here Victoria, beautifully expressed.
A true sorry does not come from berating oneself but from recognising the impact of your choices and choosing not to go there again.
“I no longer want to shirk responsibility. I no longer want to avoid saying sorry.” – great call out that by avoiding saying we are sorry when we do make a mistake, we are avoiding taking responsibility for our actions, and can easily go into defence and skirting around what has happened.
“I always thought that saying sorry was an admission of failure and a weakness, something to be avoided at all costs and derided when others said it.” – it’s interesting what we learn when we are young about how to be in life. Saying sorry has such a power and yet many of us were led to believe that saying sorry was backing down or showing a weakness. If ‘sorry’ is coming from obligation or ‘should say sorry’, then it will feel like a weakness, but when it is said from the heart, it has power.
Honesty and humbleness are beautiful qualities for building solid foundations in relationships as is accepting responsibility for our part when a relationship is suffering.
Recently I needed to use the word sorry in a relationship. I felt genuinely bad about what I had done and needed to express this with a heartfelt sorry. In doing so I felt so much freer and lighter in my body for sharing my understanding of what I had done wrong. When used with sincerity sorry is a very powerful and healing word.
Absolutely life changing in the most monumental ways. Along the way I have released many ideals and beliefs that would hold me and stop me from healing. I am still very much a work in progress and after 13 years of attending Universal Medicine events I still have a lot to heal but, what I have healed has left me in no doubt about true healing.
I have experience a huge difference in my body when I choose to say ‘sorry’ in contrast to when I resist it. There is an instant lightness, openness and sense of ease when I surrender in contrast to feeling a tense, contracted, agitated, and anxious when I choose to resist. The surrendering to saying ‘sorry’ feels so natural and not at all do I feel a sense of being lesser in fact I feel far greater as have more awareness of who I am and how and with which energy I am choosing to move with.
A true apology is claiming responsibility not just for not being ourselves, but recognising that there was a choice and dedicating our next step to who we are.
It’s ok to make mistakes, it’s what we do once we’ve realised it that counts.. And I especially love how you said this Matilda – “I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’ Thank you.
” Simple honesty, that comes with the humbleness and a willingness to learn from mistakes.” There is no perfection so there is always going to be a moment that we don’t communicate fully and a need to say sorry, I have found that these can be beautiful moments when a deeper connection can occur.
Knowing that we are masters of our own destiny is super empowering as there is no more blame directed at others which means we have to take responsibility for ourselves, and it is true for me also, the Way of the Livingness has shown me that I am the only one who can evolve myself through every choice, in every moment, whether ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, and with honesty and commitment return to a way of life that feels true in every way.
Hello Matilda and it’s interesting there is the thought out there that saying ‘sorry’ is for someone else but here it’s quite the opposite and I agree, “This has come about because I started to notice that I am now saying sorry with ease; that it feels great and very opening in the relationship with the person I am saying sorry to and that, instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing.”
It is a great exposure that you have offered here Matilda – thank you this is greatly needed. We have been so conditioned to believe and think that saying ‘sorry’ is necessary when we have done something wrong, have been ‘bad’, to admit our fault, which comes from a place of being less as we have failed. Yet what you have presented is that we need to re-learn that saying ‘sorry’ is in fact empowering as we are accepting responsibility for our actions and as such accepting the opportunity to learn how we can deepen our relationship with truth and love. We are saying ‘yes’ to learning to be more Love through being aware of the choices we make and how they affect us and all those around us. In this way saying ‘sorry’ comes with an openness, and honoring of humanity through the choice to surrender to Truth.
Sorry said with responsibility is a far cry from apologising for oneself.
There is great freedom to be realised in saying ‘sorry’, freedom from the ideals and beliefs that being ‘right’ is it regardless of the truth. As with saying ‘sorry’ we have chosen to be open to the truth, to not be owned and limited by our overbearing pride, to be open to learn to be free from that which holds us from living in-truth the love we all are here to live.
Sorry when due is a form of responsibility for our actions. When we avoid saying sorry we shirk responsibility and in my case when I have done this I harden – I harden to the person involved which makes it much easier, or so it is perceived, to carry on as “normal”. But sorry wipes the slate clean and then the way in which the relationship carries on is with clarity and can allow for what is truly there to unfold.
I also love how saying sorry now opens up relationships. Being honest and open can only lead to better more loving relationships.
Being truly honest I can feel I’m trying to devise a way to say how I appreciate your blog and absolutely agree with “my mastery of shirking responsibility’ – be that in any area, however I can struggle with when to use the word sorry. Especially when it feels imposed upon by from an expectation – this is when I want to shirk the whole package and not consider my part in the scenario. Thank you for opening up an area that is so worth considering my deeply and lovingly because it isn’t about wright and wrong it’s about love and truth and my responsibility of the part I play.
I like how you are exposing the lack of responsibility created by the shame associated with being made to say sorry and then spending your life trying to avoid being shamed so therefore not taking responsibility.
I now love saying sorry when the situation arises. I feel that saying sorry is a connection that we can have. An admission that I am imperfect and I am aware of this. There is no self-judgement when I say sorry, just an appreciation of the imperfection of life and that I am willing to look at the aspects of my life where I get it wrong. It can be very powerful for the person receiving the apology, a simple acknowledgement that there was an interaction that needs to be re-imprinted.
Sometimes ‘sorry’ is a word that pops out of mouths as a “sorry for even existing”, a self flagellation. I have done it myself. I have been learning that when it is used honestly and appropriately both parties are left feeling equal.
Thank you Matilda a great blog about deepening our honesty with ourselves and others in such a simple way. Those “little” aspects are part of a whole that is a constant expansion through the choice to live with absolute responsibility.
I never liked the word “sorry” as it was related to “being guilty” or being wrong. When I learned that life is about responsibility I started to openly apologize about whatever happened without being affected by all those images and judgements as I just apologize for something that has gone wrong and not for being wrong myself.
Saying sorry is an opportunity to take responsibility but absolutely not an excuse to self-denigrate and abuse. A ‘mistake’ then is an invitation to learn.
I have often seen the word sorry used when people use it for simply being in the world. Which I have recently become more aware of and sometimes openly questioned why would they be sorry for walking past me? or needing to reach something that just happened to be in my close proximity and they have to get close to take it? Why is sorry used in such a way when we are all in this world together so why not embrace the space we have all around us? Why is the apologetic stance taken as a way of living in the world based on how small we can make ourselves? What you’ve shared here Matilda has none of this going on, simply sharing that such a word can empower us rather than be used as an excuse to play ourselves down, play the ‘bad’ or ‘I am less’ game.
I have said sorry in the past and not truly meant it. Almost using it as an excuse and a cop out of deeply feeling the irresponsibility of my choices and the harm it may have caused. When said with a deep sense of honesty, it is very powerful.
I can remember very vividly, as a young person, not wanting to own up and say it was me that did something, because if I did that, I was saying that I had made a mistake and would get into trouble. It feels really healing to state that now, take that responsibility of yep, it was my fault, sorry. We all know when we’ve done something, so it saves a lot of trouble to claim it knowing we all make mistakes and the sky doesn’t fall down. It’s absolutely ok to be wrong when we simply accept it, a great learning, thank you Matilda.
‘Simple and practical, the teachings have transformed every area of my life and for this I am hugely grateful.’ I could not agree more Mathilda. Trying to be perfect was my way and living ideals and believes, this all has changed and is still changing, I am a forever student and that is a complete different way of living. The Way of the Livingness.
Love this sharing Matilda. ‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’ When we say sorry from the perspective of right and wrong we can go into much self judgment and critique and feeling very awkward and uncomfortable. As you point out when we say sorry from a humility that is equal, open and willing to evolve we are apologising without self bashing, solid in the knowledge of who we are and what we bring. A completely different ball game and way of apologising!
For me saying sorry was always a powerful thing to do as it is honest and also respectful. To avoid saying sorry is for me like closing my heart and of course not being honest at all. What made a sorry powerful is that you really mean what your are saying otherwise it is wiser to say nothing.
The Way of the Livingness has indeed been life changing for so many Matilda, including myself for the last 8 years. As can be read from your sharing here, no stone of lovelessness is left unturned if we choose, down to the smallest of details. Our bodies are so super clear at giving us messages when something is not true for us in how we have been approaching or living life.
As a child my most used word was “sorry”, as I was apologising for myself all the time, and this exposed my extreme lack of confidence in myself, and the feeling that everyone else was right and better than I was. It encouraged a posture in my body of contraction and stooping, as if to make myself lower, and on occasions it would become obsequious. I used it everywhere and with everyone. It was not till I reached my forties that I finally felt the impact of this and realised how horrible it felt, and how demeaning of myself. I went into reaction and determined not to say the word, and chose the opposite — arrogance and false confidence and lack of respect. It wasn’t till I met Serge Benhayon that I discovered that this was yet another layer of protection, and the apologetic attitude was still underneath, and that under that were all the hurts of childhood that I had chosen to remain with. With Serge I have gradually learned about humbleness, which is distinctly different from saying sorry as a means of ingratiating or protecting myself or making myself less than anyone else. I have learned that an apology is respectful, so I usually say “I apologise”, as I cannot use the word sorry, for it carries with it all the connotations of the past. An “apologia” is a presentation of the facts, and is offered to the other person as an equal. It opens up connection and an opportunity for harmony and a deeper relationship.
Sorry is one thing but actually meaning it is another, I was always one to say the words but it was just preluding to bring the focus to what the ‘real problem’ was and that was always the other persons. Of course I had my part to play but the other person was always the reason I reacted in the first place, right? Well, I found out I was wrong, really wrong, The Way of The Livingness offers self responsibility, that is key to the Philosophy and is at the core of all these teachings. Your admission of appreciation through your article is sweet and admirable, thank you.
Hi Matilda, great sharing about such a daily subject that we all come across. I recognize what you mean and also can feel the embracement and punishment factor within the word sorry, as it is seen as admitting you were, or did something wrong. Nevertheless the impact of expressing the truth is way greater than suffering the avoidance of the responsibility that comes along with being truthful. I can always feel the weight come of my shoulders when I can say it as it is, and if this means admitting I was wrong and saying sorry than it still feels great. The impact of the choice we made before gets balanced out by the clarity we are able to bring to it afterwards.
Such a simple word, that can lead to deeper level of honesty and responsibility… when not said from resentment or self-flagellation.
Sorry for me has always been an admission of being rather rubbish at not being perfect. In reading this article and getting more clarity on the use and abuse of that word, I get a sense that sorry is a word used to whitewash situations without allowing deep understanding of what is needed.
I no longer feel hung up so much on perfection and agree that saying sorry with its true intention is a very supportive bridge to help each person come to a common understanding.
A great distinction Mary… it does not foster anything true in relationships when we are apologetic in the way you describe. It is only effective when we are able to hold ourselves as completely equal to all others, regardless of our actions. This is the true and healing apology.
One of the greatest tools l’ve learnt over the years with Universal Medicine in fact is the difference between right and wrong versus true and not-true. This distinction takes the legs out from any attachment to being right… which I find goes hand in hand with having difficulty saying sorry when it is appropriate.
Saying sorry is a great way to cut through one pride, which only really serves to hold us hard in a self created shell of isolation.
Learning to say sorry without feeling less or bad is quite an art… a very empowering one, and an act that fosters much better relationships too I find.
Once upon a time I use to loathe saying sorry, hanging my head in shame for what I had done at the same time beating myself up. Now, since The Way of the Livingness, saying sorry is admitting openly and with love that I have made a mistake. No more self-beating just a simple expression coming from the heart that I mucked up this time, no excuses, taking responsibility head on.
‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to’ – This is super important Matilda. An honest apology does not make us less or inferior to the person we are saying sorry too; if we say it with true sincerity and responsibility then it can be an empowering step to change our choices for the future.
Saying sorry is like saying ‘I have made a mistake’. It’s acknowledging that we are human and imperfect. There is almost a sense of relief in this in terms of “thank goodness I don’t have to be perfect!” But it’s also very beautifully humbling and shows us the value of vulnerability too and how when we admit these things to others we are also offering this to ourselves. Phew!!
Matilda, I can very much relate to what you have written, I used to sorry and feel very shameful and small and embarrassed, now when I say sorry it feels very evolving because I am learning all the time, so there is nothing to be ashamed about, I can feel a lightness in my body when i say ‘sorry’ rather than the sadness and heaviness that used to be there when I said this word.
Sorry is probably one of the hardest words to say because it comes with so many ideas and beliefs about it – that it is as you say, a sign of weakness or failure, something to at all costs be avoided. But sorry is also the most powerful word when it is said from a true realisation that something in your words or actions are felt by others to not be okay.
As a child I become an absolute excuse master – I had an answer for everything, because I hated being told off or feeling like I had done something wrong so instead I would try and cover my back with an excuse. I have been learning to listen to what someone is saying, and realising that sometimes some humility and an ability to use apologise is all that is needed – no self bashing and no weakness, just honesty.
There is such refreshing simplicity in our communication when we are not micro-managing and guarding ourselves and the way things ‘should’ go. Being able to say sorry without self-diminishment is really powerful in arresting verbal sparring, which is combat.
Dissembling makes us vulnerable to somebody who doesn’t let us dissemble. They can easily control us because we might be ready to do a lot in order not to get exposed and that can be used against us.
I used to say sorry a lot but it usually came with resentment, obligation, wanting to get my way, making myself feel better and another to feel guilty etc. When I said the words, I still often held onto whatever it is I was saying sorry for. I still do this sometimes but am connecting more to the fact of just being honest with myself and neither blaming or beating myself up, nor having an attachment to the other person giving me something in return. So I’m much more able to let go when saying sorry knowing this is coming more and more from my heart than my head.
I love what you have written Matilda and I relate to so much of it. I have also recently learned how deeply love can grow when we care enough to apologise for the smallest amount of disregard that we allow into the space between people. Sometimes another cannot reciprocate but that is no longer and excuse or reason for me to hold back any love.
Very interesting what you raise here; I also absolutely and point blank used to refuse to say sorry when I was younger; one thing is certainly the unwillingness to take responsibility, but the other thing was also that some of the things the adults came up with and tried to enforce just didn’t make sense.
Sorry is a word that I hear used so many times in the course of a day, but on so many of those occasions it is said when there is no need for it, it seems to have become a word that seems to “pop out” without thinking. But there are situations when saying sorry is what is needed at that moment, but it is the energy that it is expressed with that is of the utmost importance, and which you say Lucinda “comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.”
It doesn’t take anything away from us to say sorry, if indeed we know we have been in the wrong. I have probably done the extreme as well where I have apologised too others when there was no need to and therefore putting myself down and making myself lesser than. I have always appreciated the person who is able to genuinely say sorry!
Matilda what I love with your sharing “I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” is that I feel the same. I would always avoid saying sorry or when I did it would be out of guilt, shame, wanting foregiveness. However today it means the willingness to learn from my choices that where not honouring and true to myself (and hence others), so I get to learn from these mistakes instead of defend my actions. Whenever I’ve defended my actions things have gone badly wrong!
I have found that when someone has hurt me the act of a genuine sorry feels very healing…like wise when I have hurt someone through an act of thoughtlessness and I realise what the result of my action has been saying a heart felt sorry does support the other person no end.
“I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” The beliefs around saying sorry seem to hold the reducing of the person needing to apologise. Defending one’s position in being ‘right’ can become a stubbornness. You offer a refreshing new take on the word sorry, and offer a freedom not yet established in society. Thankyou Matilda.
For much of my life I have had the belief that saying sorry made me weaker or less than someone else. This was exacerbated by the fact that often when I did show my vulnerability to others there it was often taken advantage of in the sense that someone would immediately act like they were superior to me. However I am learning slowly to just allow my vulnerability and sensitivity to be there and to be more open and honest regardless of others reactions.
It can be uncomfortable to be exposed for not being loving or truthful but if we are honest about it we learn a lot more than if we are dishonest.
I agree that the times in my life when I don’t want to say sorry are times when I don’t want to take responsibility for something.
Simple and honest, Andrew, and really supportive. If we acknowledge and apply this equation we bring so much understanding (and in that the ability to change) to our lives.
If the word sorry is not truly felt and expressed it can simply be an avoidance of responsibility and therefore to be true the responsibility and expression of this go hand in hand.
The word sorry has some pretty damaging beliefs and ingrained ways of behaving woven around it. If only people could feel the absolute freedom and evolution that is offered in being able to genuinely say sorry then we would change the current attitude that surrounds it. It’s going to take a while to free it from it’s imprisoned state.
One of the things about saying sorry is the stance of being right and wrong. We easily defend our choices even though we can feel it may have not been as loving and true because we want to hold our ‘right’ over the other person’s ‘wrong’ and so to say sorry would be like admitting we were ‘wrong’ and they were ‘right’. I have learned to let go of this and so simply be very honest about my own expression no matter what is going on for the person. Usually being honest myself and apologising for my part offers the other the space and grace to come to this for themselves as well.
I agree Caroline that as long as we hang on to the belief that every situation has a right and a wrong then we will struggle with taking responsibility for anything less than love and saying sorry.
Thank you Matilda, a fascinating look at saying, or not saying, sorry and responsibility. When we constantly say sorry we can put ourselves down and feel less and if we avoid saying sorry and pass the buck we are not being honest with ourselves. Responsibility is the key and way to heal both sides of the seesaw as we learn and grow by taking responsibility for all that we do, say, think and are.
Matilda talks about saying sorry with such ease and mastery, that she has taken all of the issues out of it. You can see just from her words that there is no longer any pride in her mistakes which need to be defended, there is humbleness instead and a willingness to learn, which is lovely read.
For me the real power of saying sorry is when it is said from the body and not just the mouthpiece being worked by the head. One is small. One is big.
I can relate to how difficult saying sorry once was as I was adamant not to make mistakes. A mistake meant I was less worthy and therefore to admit to it was to admit to the fact that I was a worse human being for it. When our self worth is connected to what we do then making mistakes has an immediate impact on our worth. Yet when we know we are ok and are all learning then making mistakes becomes no big deal and saying sorry is simply an acknowledgement of this learning process.
Love it Matilda! What a powerful punchy piece of writing!
There is great power in the words I’m sorry if truly meant, imagine the conflicts domestically and worldwide that could have been avoided if we were able to embrace and use these two words with the truth they are meant to be used in.
Yes there is great power in ‘I’m sorry’ when truly meant. Expanding this to the world stage is brilliant. Conflict becomes futile and redundant when we are able to communicate honestly, openly and clearly. This is not weak or submissive but powerful and humble.
For me to find out more and more that taking responsibility is not a burden at all but a blessing and that it makes my life more simple and enjoyable is a revolution. Serge Benhayon teachings have a huge tendency to turn ‘my world’ around – to the point where I see how life works in truth and not as I have made it to be.
It is an amazing moment when we can without shame, guilt or anxiety, simply apologise when we stuff up. Thank you Matilda for sharing this shift in you. Life is about learning not about perfection. The more we come to realise that making mistakes is a part of life, taking responsibility for ourselves becomes so much easier. I too have found the teachings of Serge Benhayon immensely valuable in changing deep seated behaviours that kept me locked in vicious cycles of blame, dishonesty and guilt. Our true natures deep within us do not harbour any of these emotions. Learning to accept our own imperfections engenders a very healing humility that brings us closer together as we realise that we are all equal in the ‘school of life’ and making mistakes are the lessons we all have to learn.
Thanks for your blog Matilda, it has made me consider more something I have been acutely aware of, that I use the words I am sorry in the opposite way to you, not shirking them but apologising constantly, saying sorry when it is not necessary, not my fault and when no apology is necessary. Demeaning my own self in the process and making me appear less strong than I am. Of course to apologise when we are wrong is powerfully healing for all concerned, but for me not using it as a buffer to keep others at bay is also important for me to address.
I love this, Matilda. I always avoided saying sorry, because I could not bear being wrong as it sent me into a tailspin of self loathing. But that was very much keeping it being all about me, and kept me disconnected from what was actually going on in the situation that may have warranted a simple acknowledgement or apology.
Yes Janet, but beautiful to be given the insight into why we might avoid saying sorry when it is perhaps appropriate, so thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for expressing this Matilda. Things like feeling less than someone else when we say sorry can be running in the background of our lives without ever noticing it consciously. It is then great to read this as it is so true that saying sorry does not make us be less – it just highlights a choice we made which was not true. So it is actually humbly saying that we did not intend to do that, which I feel helps us to not do it again. It frees the body as in contrast to the avoiding saying sorry that can feel very draining in my experience. As it is actually denying myself what is true which is always draining in one way of the other.
I love the way you explore the relationship between taking responsibility and saying sorry. It can be such an empty word said as a way of avoiding responsibility or it can be profoundly healing for both the person saying it and the one receiving the gift of a true expression.
I lived the complete opposite with ‘sorry’ Matilda, I said all the time! Through believing I was unworthy, less than others, no sense of belonging and very often apologising for even breathing! This is what exactly bound me in shame, self-criticism and self loathing.
The real work on ‘sorry’ began after attending the presentations by Serge Benhayon. I learn about ‘breathing my own breath’ and re-building a deep and strong inner foundation within, by facing and addressing the shame, self criticism and self loathing underneath the constant belittling with ‘sorry’.
Yes, I can and do still make mistakes, but no longer with this overwhelming dread of being an awful, unworthy person having done something ‘wrong’. It is so freeing to feel the difference between the ingrained,mistaken belief of being wrong and acknowledge mistakes with simply offering a genuine apology.
This is such a huge part of what you are sharing Matilda – “instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing.” – Giving ourselves the grace to be able to learn, make mistakes and do things differently without our internal abuse is something that I have been really embracing, thanks to the The Way of the Livingness. Still there are the odd thoughts that come in which is where I choose to live those irresponsible moments and repeat things that I know are not supporting me. Yet to be able to lovingly pull myself out of this and honour what actually feels true and live the responsible way that I know I can is totally possible when I don’t indulge in the cycle of abuse and become honest in where I am at.
Sorry when said in humbleness and sincerity can be very healing. It offers a moment to open up and let go of what could otherwise be a situation that festers and affects a friendship or relationship.
It is easy to say the words but not as easy to change the behaviour that created you needing to say the words in the first place.
Saying sorry does not mean anything if it is not truly meant and therefore an action that is followed up.
Amina I agree, when the word sorry is said without meaning it is the most vacuous of words and lies like a dead carcass between the 2 people. In fact I would prefer someone to not say sorry unless they can say it with meaning because otherwise it brings with it a lack of truth and that is potentially more damaging than whatever it is they are pretending to apologize for.
This is a great article, thank you Matilda. It is amazing to feel how you have made this area of your life as important as every other, the attention to detail is amazing.
Thank you, Amina. And what I love about acknowledging and appreciating the impact of our attention to detail is that it opens up the possibilities in other areas of our lives. This is really inspiring.
This was an awesome read! I know the feeling of rushing to make up excuses and get defensive, defended the perception that i may be hurt or ‘in trouble’ for doing something wrong, when naturally we all make mistakes, whats the big deal? When I have chosen truth, although I thought it would cause disruption and tension, every time it has proven to be an amazing and confirming choice.
Your ducking and diving reminded me of one of the old rules of the good manager, is always to have some to blame for any mistake. Is this just the ultimate in being un-responsible for everything? Sorry, is a polite way to express regret that is just expressing an emotion you feel because of something you did or didn’t do. With responsibility, we own the outcome of our choices, good or bad are both learning experiences.
I’ve always been good at saying sorry, but not necessarily very good at implementing the change that would need to occur to stop the behaviour playing out again. Another version of shirking responsibility!
‘simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’
This is crucial for me as I am a perfectionist and do not like at all to make mistakes. To take full responsibility for my mistakes without bashing myself up is the art for me to express my sorryness.
‘Sorry’ said in truly truthful and moving energy is a great healer. There are types of ‘sorry’ which are abusive, especially when a person keeps apologising for their existence, which we can do in many quite subtle ways. I have definitely dipped my toe in that one! Even by ringing someone up and saying ‘It’s just me’.
Saying sorry is very freeing Matilda as we are are not perfect and make mistakes constantly. And to me that is one of the aspects of life that brings joy to me as the moment where I have to say sorry of oops, I have hit a point where I have something to learn and evolve from. So why would I ever avoid saying sorry if there is such a great gift available to me when I allow myself to go that way instead of going into the shame, something that has absolutely no truth in it?
I learnt the power of saying sorry from my father. We had argued when I was a teenager and he came to me later and apologised. It was a true stop moment for me as I knew it was a big thing and I knew most adults needed to be right and needed to hold onto this at all costs. I realised how healing this was for both of us and I decided that when I was an adult, I would remember this and would always be open to seeing my part in things and be open to taking responsibility. I have always appreciated this and it is something that has stayed with me throughout my life.
Yes, that was true and loving parenting!
There is something very clearing about apologising to someone if you have done or said something mistakenly. Sometimes people side-step the apology, or block it, or ignore it, brush over it, or accept it, but it does not matter what that person’s response is – all that matters is the sincerity of one’s expression.
Super blog Matilda. There are definitely situations that call for a sincere apology and when this is delivered a great healing can take place and relationships can deepen. I remember last year someone apologising to me in a truly heart-felt way for something untrue said about me. It was one of the most unifying moments I have had with a person – I could feel how equal we were, how much I loved her, how I could never hold anything against her (or anyone) . . . and our relationship and love for each other deepened and expanded exponentially. There was great vulnerability in it and so a beautiful intimacy was available.
You have added some more words here, Lyndy, that also can be claimed back to their true meaning: vulnerability (openness and honesty not weakness) and intimacy (connection and openness not something sexual). It is really interesting to consider language and how we modify/mutate words.
This feeling of defeat that you share you used to feel with saying sorry is quite common I feel in society. We are brought up with the idea of right and wrong instead of being brought up with what feels a true way or not. Thank you for this amazing blog because I had not pondered on this till now and can definitely see where I have used this pattern. It is far truer to be humble with being able to take responsibility and say sorry.
Hear hear to this ‘Inspired by Serge Benhayon, who introduced me to The Way of The Livingness 9 years ago. I had absolutely no idea how life-changing this was going to be. Simple and practical, the teachings have transformed every area of my life and for this I am hugely grateful.’ I am with you. Initially I tangibly felt the truth and love of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine presentations. However I did not truly understand many years ago just the glory living my way from my heart – The Way of the Livingness would deliver.
The simple aspects of life can be the most challenging only when we hold on to beliefs about what they mean. This is a great example Matilda that I can so relate to! Saying ‘I am sorry’ with sincerity, is both releasing for the one expressing the sorrow and healing beyond measure when it is received. Sorry has the potential to connect us more deeply in our common humanity.
This is so true Bernadette. It is only because of the ideals and beliefs that we choose to hold onto that make the simple things in life difficult.
‘Sorry’ has been a favourite way of mine to avoid responsibility, get relief and to seemingly stay ‘safe’ from other people’s frustration. I found that if I just said sorry – this anger subsided a little. But was I actually truly sorry? Had I felt what had occurred? Had I been truly open to learning from what I had heard? Very often the answer was no, it was much more comfortable to insert a quick ‘sorry’ into the conversation then. Reading your words Matilda I can see this abuse of sorry has harmed in another way as well, because genuine, heartfelt apologies and acknowledgement of what has happened became a foreigner to me. So I can see whether I said sorry or not, either way there was a looking for an escape in part of me. So today how amazing to reunite my genuine feelings with my words and apologise and recognise and learn from all that transpires. I am sorry for my abuse of this powerful word.
Saying sorry and taking responsibility is a freedom from self-destruction, loathing and shame is a beautiful and profound thing, thank you for sharing this Matilda as I (and I’m sure so many) can relate. It’s not actually a weakness or a ‘making yourself wrong’ or imperfect, which frees us from the illusions that there is such a thing as perfection in the first place Or a ‘getting it wrong’. We only know what we know and the truth we are connected to at the time, in the moment, and as embracing students of ourselves we can only even be open to simply learning more.
This is certainly very powerful Matilda. Words express with love, truth and honesty, and a willingness to take responsibility for our choices is empowering for us as well as others. Sometimes the things we avoid the most holds the biggest lessons for us to evolve. Our expression has the power to change the world. Beautiful blog Matilda, thank you.
Thankyou Matilda, being fully transparent is freeing for ourselves and for everyone around us.
Matilda, there is a great power in saying sorry, and a transparency in saying it, in allowing another to see and feel that it’s fine to admit that things did not go as planned or that there was something we did not tend to as we had planned, however it’s important that as we say sorry we are not just in rote, or in excuses and that we truly mean and saying sorry is the first part. If we take true responsibility we address the issue for which we are saying sorry for, understanding that there may need to be a follow through from us, to get honest and feel and see what exactly was going on, without any judgement – an inquiry as to where we were with an understanding of our intentions and a willingness to see and feel what we set up that led to that sorry. Sorry when approached in this way can offer us a great opportunity for deeper honesty and reflection.
“Inspired by Serge Benhayon, who introduced me to The Way of The Livingness 9 years ago. I had absolutely no idea how life-changing this was going to be” – the same for me Matilda, one workshop back then has turned into 9 years and now into a lifetime to come. The unfoldment has been, and continues to be, amazing and seamless towards understanding whole life, that there’s nothing that would make me stop these great learnings given to us at this time.
Thank you Matilda for sharing your story, I have said sorry so many times in my life, sorry in the sense of sorry for being here, sorry for taking up space, saying sorry before I had something to say, making my self always less. This behaviour has dropped away over the past few years, and I am now looking at how sorry can be expressed in its true sense. Sorry ,when I have made a mistake that affect others, and saying it with out guilt or shame.
There are many ways of saying ‘sorry’ or using the word, and at times has become a throwaway comment many use to give lip service in an attempt to come across as understanding, as a pre-requisite to something, or used in self-deprecation ways/being apologetic…. though when ‘sorry’ is used like this, the emptiness that’s there cannot not be felt.
I have also found it to be incredible liberating to shift my perspective from feeling lesser than others for making mistakes to viewing my mistakes as opportunities for learning. It has as you say Matilda freed me from “… patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing”.
Seeing mistakes as points of learning and actually something to grow from should be something that is taught to us from a young age so we don’t end up with the feeling lesser complex.
agreed. There is a great book by Tan Curtis and Desiree Delaloye called ‘Whoops is my favourite word’ that delivers this message to children from 2 – 100 years old – in a beautiful and powerful way.
Reading this blog, I can feel what an ally blame is to not saying sorry or wanting to take responsibility. Blame allows us to look anywhere but within for why something occurred. It also allows us to stay hard and angry at the world for not being the way we want it to be. Humbleness and honesty from our part are essential for our relationships within humanity to be more the way we know they can be.
On the other hand, and in line with the essence of this blog – I had an experience last night where I lashed out at someone in reaction before they could finish their sentence. After talking about what had been said, I came to the point of feeling the need to express apology and ‘sorry’ was the responsibility at that time. When saying it with full acceptance of what had happened was not in line with who I am, the tension and hurt in the other person dissolved and we were able to hold each other in close as confirmation of this. The word is powerful when expressed with full awareness and pure intent.
I can really feel what you have shared about how being able to say sorry is linked to being responsible. When I apologise, I love the humbleness of admitting I am not perfect. When I feel this humbling responsibility for my actions, I also get to feel my deep love and care for others that at times I can disconnect from. I feel that I don’t want to continue in behaviours that hurt anyone else and my willingness to be more loving. This all feels like something to celebrate.
From reading some of the comments in the blog – we all have pretty unique yet similar relationships with the word ‘sorry’. From my experience and observation in life a saying comes to mind – ‘It is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.’ I can relate to this, like the word ‘sorry’ allows people to get away with some things they know is wrong or unsupportive to themselves or another; yet the word ‘sorry’ is always there as a back up if we get caught. Another example of how we can use and abuse words that have an otherwise harmless nature.
As I was reading this blog I was feeling that it was written by a man and was surprised to find it wasn’t. I suspect my early and current experience with people who avoid sorry at all costs is men. I find women can be too quick to blame themselves and apologise for things that are not their responsibility. I also find the pressure for men to not appear weak or a failure is very strong. However I am exploring how I and other women use perfection and appearing to have it all together as a way of protecting ourselves from criticism or feeling hurt.
Wow! I love what you have discovered about saying sorry. “Instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing”. I am always finding that I think will be the case or result in a situation is actually the opposite. When we stop reacting on auto pilot or from old patterns it is amazing what can emerge.
Oh yes. Off auto pilot there is a bottomless well of learning on offer. Thank you, Fiona.
It’s true what you present Matilda, I can feel a part of me, my spirit avoids being sorry too and you can see similar in the way children avoid the ‘s’ word too. Though we can’t blame it on our wayward spirit and do nothing about it. Taking personal responsibility for that which we avoid – be it apologising, committing or something else – is key if we are to grow.
“I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.” It is beautiful to read about your realisation Matilda, that by saying sorry when it comes from a place of honesty and truth, there is a willingness to learn from our mistakes, rather than a need to defend what we have done wrong.
On the flip-side of sorry is the demand for an apology. That it is a demand reveals there is a need behind it, coming with a push or a force. In this instance both demand and response (if given) will be untrue.
Thanks for your honesty Matilda.
Sorry for me is admitting that I was not all of me at that time: that I was unable to hold myself in love – and therefore unable to hold you in love in that moment either. It says ‘I know now where I lost myself and that when I am all that I am there is no issue between us that cannot be looked at through the eyes of love’.
For me now, saying sorry includes resolution, which is everything a forced or insincere apology is not.
Its beautiful when we do not go to that automatic defence, protecting our pride from the possibility of being wrong. But so what – do we want to hold on to the erroneous behaviour for even longer so it can trip us up again. Or do we want to move on, to change, to evolve?
I feel the word ‘sorry’ still needs to be used judiciously. It can be very much a throw-away line, a meeting of a social obligation or a politeness. Perhaps what is needed is fuller expression of what the sorrow we are feeling for something we have said or done is about. A truth will be felt in this.
I like your equation of feeling sorry with honesty. I have been practising this with my husband, noticing the times when I am, for instance, less than loving in my tone of voice. It’s not a confession or a beating up, just a recognition of a responsibility I can take.
Well said, Victoria. No confession or self berating; sorry is simply taking responsibility and opening up to one another with an invitation to learn and grow.
We don´t need to be perfect nor can we ever be perfect, but the ideal of perfection promises the ultimate protection from ever being questioned, rejected or unworthy. In truth, it is this ideal that sets us up for failure, guilt and shame because it is designed to make us fail. Saying sorry would admit to imperfection hence, must be avoided at all costs. ‘Sorry’ liberates us from the ideal of perfection and being untouchable and thus opens space to just be who we are with all our glory and imperfection.
I wonder if there is something to do with the way people are meant to feel sorry, as in you must be sorry or feel sorry because that is what others do, and that is what I have been led to think is kind that makes me not so comfortable with the word. So are we saying sorry because we feel it or just because that is socially polite. Just thinking about it is interesting as it makes me wonder how many other words do we use or misuse.
Great revelation Matilda – there is so much more than just the words we say. I used to say sorry and apologise for everything, myself included. Now sorry come with an understanding that I was not being responsible with my actions and so a sorry, at the very least is in order. It is not saying sorry for being here, like it used to without really caring. It is more saying sorry to myself, and reaffirming I now have a chance to make a different more loving choice that encapsulate humanity and is not purely about me.
One of the many things I love about Universal Medicine, its practitioners and its students is summed up in this sentence – “Quite recently I have re-explored this – asking myself some pertinent and important questions.” I love that Universal Medicine is providing the inspiration for people to really stop and explore what is going on for them. Like we become our own explorers and go on expeditions inside ourselves to find out what’s there, what’s our relationship with X, and how does it play out on our lives. And from there, we can choose whether or not to keep that X going or discard it. Life changing on many levels – because you are in charge.
So often ‘sorry’ comes with a giant story, an indulged black and white tale, what i love about what Matilda is suggesting is that this whole process can be infinitely cleaner if we are prepared to take loving responsibility for our actions, to see it as a rich opportunity to learn and grow, together.
Sorry is an interesting word and I understand what you have shared but I also see the word being used instead of taking responsibility, as in all you have to do is say your sorry, and its all good, you can move on and carry on in the same irresponsible way.
‘The Way of the Livingness’ inspires a way of living that asks us to take responsibility for every choice and action; at the same time this is the empowerment to be who you truly are in full. Responsibility and Power go hand in hand and when we really understand that we will start embracing both as the crucial key to a fulfilled life.
This way of saying sorry doesn’t need some to reply ‘that’s ok’ and forgive. It just feels complete on its own, so simple to say the word with a willingness to learn and evolve.
Saying sorry from a place of honesty, accountability and openness is very empowering for both sides and completing the situation so that everyone involved can move forward, but coming from guilt or shame is devastating and neither releases the one saying it nor the one receiving the apology from the disharmony and incompletion hence it will be carried forward and pollute what is coming next.
It’s amazing how a ‘sorry’ can be said in different ways. I can relate so much about not wanting to admit that I made a mistake and say sorry, yet I have also said many sorry in my attempt to make myself small and to be let off the hook and avoid confrontation – both in avoidance of taking responsibility. It’s very beautiful to feel the humbleness and the power of what you say here, Matilda. I can feel how I thought the others would see me and react was a big factor in whether and how to say sorry. It was not a simple honest admittance to say that I made a mistake, it was a manipulation. When I first read your blog, I was going to say that when we don’t come from a place of right/wrong, saying sorry doesn’t feel that scary any more – and I can feel how this was still coming from a place of playing game. Your words reflect to me a potential of how my expression can become more truth-full as I accept more responsibility as a student of Livingness. Thank you.
It is hard or impossible to say ‘sorry’ when we want to hold on to a picture of ourselves that would be challenged by admitting to a mistake. Without a picture there is nothing to pretend, just being with what is is enough.
Saying sorry when we are not ourselves and our behavior has reflected that, is letting go of the arrogance of having to be right, when we do so we come back closer to our true self, it feels amazing to take responsibility, thank you for pulling the whole world up in a call for more responsibility Matilda.
Never apologise for being our true self, but take responsibility to say sorry when we are not.
Oh yes I know that ducking and diving routine that I would go into to avoid any sense of being a failure and being useless. What a big game that is and pretty exhausting to say the least. Even to this day sometimes if I have made a mistake, swallowing my pride and pushing past such indulging behaviours can be challenging but as hard as it is, it feels amazing to just put it all on the table and not try to hide anything. Being honest and transparent is definitely a way of transforming one’s life and if it were not for Universal Medicine I’d still be playing that game of ducking and diving, and getting really bored of it as well!
The Way of the Livingness: “a way of life that empowers everyone to know that they are in their own driving seats, not only masters of their own lives but an integral, essential part of humanity and all of our wellbeing.”
Dictionary entry please.
Thank you Matilda, it is really inspiring to hear another’s experience of this wrestle we all seem to have with taking responsibility. It feels what is really at stake here is our pride. We live in abject fear that we are going to ‘get it wrong’, when really we can never get it wrong because there is no such thing as wrong, only a truth that is willing to be lived or not. Every ‘sorry’ moment is a great opportunity to pause and take stock of the degree to which we are willing and able to be completely transparent, open and vulnerable and through this live more of the truth of who we are. That is, we let down our protection (stubbornness and pride) and let our Soul’s light shine. Bathed in the warmth of this love we soon see there is never a right or wrong, just more of us to be shared with the world. A truly humbling and igniting experience.
Liane, I love what you’re captured ‘there is no such thing as wrong, only a truth that is willing to be lived or not’, it completely knocks out any trying to be right / wrong and offers each moment as an opportunity to bring more love and truth, and how can that be wrong.
Children are frequently expected to say a very public “sorry” I wonder if this approach has fostered a generation of adults who have become equally artful at avoiding saying sorry.
For me your blog Mathilda has everything to do with the ideal of the ‘perfect’ picture. And whenever this was exposed in not being Truth, I worked very hard to deny the fact of me being imperfect. For a long time I really thought that I was the (only) one not making mistakes. Now as I’m older and wiser I’m slightly more honest and (choose to) see that I (too) make a lot of mistakes. On purpose? Never. But I do make a lot and they allow me to grow. Even though when I’m completely honest I haven’t fully let the ideal go of being perfect. Showing in itself that I’m not perfect…
Being sorry can come in two forms. It can either be laced with shame and or a feeling of being less or it can be a surrender to a moment of expansion and life learning. I have been in both camps over time but now see that when we allow ourselves to feel our own responsibility in all situations it frees us from feeling shame and creates a beautiful moment of appreciation for the learning we have just encountered.
“instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing.” A brilliant observation Matilda – when we find ourselves in a position where an apology is required its interesting how easy it is to go into self-bashing and make it all about ourselves! When what i am hearing you say is that taking responsibility requires no drama or story just a clear acceptance of our accountability, the inevitability of imperfections void of indulgence.
I have found that saying sorry can sound empty and hollow when it is said without feeling the full extent of what I am feeling sorry for.
I would agree Alison, and this can be used to not take responsibility for our own actions so a great point you have made.
I remember going to confession every week and having to tell the priest how sorry I was that I sinned. I said the same 2 sins each week and professed my dying apologies for doing these sins given I would go to hell otherwise. So I grew up saying sorry, but never really meaning it, sorry to me was an empty word that I would say any time I wanted to get out of a consequence to a behaviour. I still think saying sorry is at times an excuse not to own fully our behaviour and feel the affect this has on our self, another or many others
I could have written this myself! I used to feel saying sorry was just a band aid on a gaping wound – pretty pointless, a way of making the other person feel better and perhaps even not dislike me for whatever it was I had done. In recent years, thanks to my ever-evolving way of living and expressing inspired by Universal Medicine, I feel saying sorry is an important part of taking responsibility, for accepting our choices and allowing ourselves to learn and evolve from the situation. There’s a flow and ease to it that is not the flippant insincere sorry that rattles of the tongue with no truth behind it, but a deeply felt and healing sorry that reverberates around time, healing our shame from the past.
Owning up to our mistakes and learning from them is a great way to expose and heal the ’right and wrong’ attitude many of us have.
Thank you Matilda for giving us permission to say sorry. I had previously felt that by saying sorry it was an admission of guilt or deliberate intent to harm another. I too have more recently been able to say sorry in the moment when this was supportive and not feel guilty, not feel less and not feel like I have to defend my actions. The “sorry, but…” approach is no longer part of my life. When I apologize it is because that is what is supportive for all in the situation, including myself.
Love this, Matilda. Just as you used to avoid ‘sorry’, I used to use ‘sorry’ all the time as a way to shirk my responsibility. It was like confession for me, as long as I said ‘I’m sorry’ everything would be ok I could continue to do whatever it was that I was doing, as long as I was remorseful and solemn about it. To be honest, I often was genuinely sorry, but my apologies would ring hollow because it did not necessarily mean that I was going to take on board the lesson that was presenting itself to be learned.
Now, my apologies, are heartfelt, because I can feel what needs to be apologised for and by the time ‘I’m sorry’ comes from my lips I have felt the lesson that is presenting itself and the change has already begun.
Not only does owning up to your mistakes free you from self criticism and self-loathing, it supports you to accept yourself no matter what has happened.
Matilda, thank you for this important information you have presented on “Sorry”. The situations that arise when sorry is to be said can be varied and diverse. In saying sorry It gives the opportunity to view the ill doing or misunderstanding, to stop the cross fire of my way or your way and starts the communication to understand each other in the situation. It give the space to acknowledge and respect the other as an equal and accept with grace the imperfect parts of us. This is no easy subject to master, as it calls us to be responsible in all that we do and say.
Saying sorry when we have made a mistake is a very relatable thing to do and the humbleness we express when we do supports us to feel accessible to others and hence build connections. This is a beautiful thing to learn in my view because connecting with each other is one of the most important things we can do in this life.
I have also noticed how often people say sorry when it is not called for. For example, on occasions I have bumped into someone and they have said sorry. Then I usually say, I bumped into you, so the apology is mine – why are you saying sorry!
Sorry if I am repeating myself, but when I grew up in England people used to over use the sorry word – they would say sorry, please and thank you all the time – but often it was not said with true energy or meaning but more as either a habit or in a contracted please excuse me for existing way. There is a lot that can be said about sorry and quite a lot of it is sorry…. funny sounding word if you keep saying it.
Just thought of another one, often when I can’t hear what someone says because they are muttering or speaking to me from another room, I will say sorry what did you say? Why am I saying sorry when they were not speaking clearly? The more you look into the whole saying or not saying of sorry there is a lot there!
Perhaps to complete, I would say the important thing is that we are never apologising for who we are. Every single one of us is at essence a truly loving and awesome person. However, we all regularly make what you may call mistakes in one way or another. Certainly we should acknowledge if we have expressed in any way that is harmful, or made some sort of error – but that is not about apologising or making ourselves less. Too many people are making themselves less and apologising for their existence or making it about them being wrong rather than acknowledging that they simply allowed or made an unloving or incorrect action but it is not them that is unloving or incorrect. There is a huge difference here.
Letting go of the fear of making mistakes and instead recognising them as opportunities to learn was a turning point in my life. It becomes a way that sees the possibilities that life offers rather than living life in fear of getting it wrong.
When you are not committed to your feelings and they are not 100% felt and acknowledged – there not everything to you and acted on, you are letting another down by not being all of you, and therefore you are not getting the completed result. How much do we blame others, instead of being responsible with being all of who we are.
Uncovering beliefs like this is very powerful – helping us to see behind why we behave in certain ways and to undo them at the root, so that we can be aware and let go if what is not really true to us.
I agree Fiona and this becomes a whole game change then which supports us great in truly moving forward.
Isn’t it interesting how just at the end you said “and whilst these may appear small changes in my life” as they hadn’t appeared small to me. Taking responsibility for our actions and decisions is a life skill that has an enormous impact and ripple effect. For your boys to see that it is ok to make mistakes and own them means they will carry the same responsibility into their lives and so on. Huge, not small.
I agree that you need to take responsibility for your mistakes and admiting that you made a mistake is vital. However sometimes you can use the word sorry as way of not taking responsibility, if you use it as a way of avoiding making amends. As if saying sorry fixes everything.
I have noticed many times how different a genuine ‘sorry ‘ feels where there is no shame or anything attached but a genuine expression of being sorry, and the difference to a ‘sorry’ uttered out of duty or pressure or perceived ‘ good manners’. The difference is deeply felt indeed.
And I especially love your evolution here when you express: ” …instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing’”. This is such an great insight and one that many can benefit from, awesome thank you.
Great sharing Matilda – and a good point made about where a sorry in truth comes from…
Yes. The comments on this thread have really opened up my understanding of the many ways we manipulate words; literally mutilating their meanings to the point that we are all confused and unsure. Peeling away these layers to the truth of words feels like a really useful, supportive and simplifying exercise.
Thank you Matilda for writing this as reading it has brought awareness of my relationship with saying sorry and, surprisingly to me, how I’ve attached shame to it. I used to think I easily said sorry and that was the end of it. But to feel I put myself down and apologise for my whole presence is not ok. This has been my way of trying to get out of being responsible – by saying I’m rubbish full stop so what do you expect?! So seeing how I’ve done something that’s unloving, saying sorry because I recognise how unloving it is but remaining unapologetic of who I am is a truthful apology because it comes with responsibility.
I used to say sorry all the time, in apology for being me, because of how I felt about myself. I would quite often open a sentence with sorry but like you Matilda I have been working with The Way of the Livingness and now this has stopped and my apologies are in situations when they are required. This one word can make such a difference, defuse and bring harmony very quickly.
Sometimes people can demand us to say sorry or try and force guilt and shame onto us, asking us to be submissive and apologetic for being terrible or hurtful. I have particular noticed this way any many religious organizations where one is tagged evil for their sins. I’ve found it freeing to claim that we are not evil nore bad or hurtful people and instead we sometimes make ill choices that have consequences and we only make these choices when we are not claiming and being ourselves. In claiming this it’s not us who is a bad person, and the acceptance that we were not ourselves which it is this choice we take responsibility for.
Responsibility is heaven sent and the more we claim it the easy it is to release ourselves from the block that we have to admit we are out of line, mucked up or care-less. Sorry becomes an expression connected with evolving not a moment you hide from and avoid.
Willing to let go of being ‘right’ and therefore saying sorry is so very liberating. Everyone involved can feel the spaciousness and grace in this simple yet powerful gesture.
Brilliant Kathryn. ‘Willing to let go of being ‘right’ – this is huge and when we do so we also shed pride, stubbornness and opinion; opening up to listening and being in real relationship with each other.
This is so true Matilda ‘everyone to know that they are in their own driving seats, not only masters of their own lives but an integral, essential part of humanity and all of our wellbeing.’ I have just been on the Sacred Esoteric Healing Level 4 course held and brought through by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and can now feel this more and more in my body, that it is a choice, am I in my driving seat or leaving this empty. I so choose to be in the driving seat 💕✨ It is also great what you share about being able to say sorry. When we get our pride, arrogance, bitterness … all those things, out the way and allow ourselves to truly express this when needed it is very humbling.
As a Nation we, that is the English, are renowned for saying sorry. All too often this word is spoken with no real integrity, it is just used to excuse our behaviours, as if it could. It is great when we actually bring awareness to what we are saying. As the Queen in Alice in Wonderland said ” I say what I mean and I mean what I say” There is absolutely no harm in saying sorry if it is from a genuine heartfelt place, if it is truly what we mean.
I have discovered this also. It actually feels amazing to say sorry when I realise it is needed. It breaks any pride that might be creating tension, and it opens the way for more honesty. It is honouring of both myself and the other person and feels very healing. It is also a reminder that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. The difference is the way we deal with this and how quickly we can recognise what we have done and that it can actually be very easy to choose to let it go and just admit the truth.
To say sorry does not only work for us; it educates others in how to walk lighter in life.
Saying sorry from the heart, frees you from the situation you are sorry about. Not saying sorry, prolongues the link you have with it; link that you will carry with you.
The reluctancy to say sorry shows how much we try to get away with our behaviours and how much we prefer to live with tension of being caught in the bodies, prolonging unnecessarily the closure of situations.
Great point Eduardo: the fact that our resistance to say sorry keeps situations in an arrested state rather than allowing learning, developing and moving forward.
I feel that saying sorry is another way of expressing our truth, raising our responsibility and raising our awareness of how we may have been less in that moment.
To be exposed is something that humanity hate. We spend a lot of energy daily in building images of ourselves to others and covering our tracks in case the behaviour does not match the image.
Sorry is a powerful word when the intention behind it is a true one.
Yes it is. And like many words, when it is brought back to its true meaning it is without confusion or misinterpretation, and that clarity is up to us, in the integrity and quality with which we communicate.
“…simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes…”, this is such a simple, yet profound statement Matilda, sweet and to the point for it is through honesty and a willingness to learn from our mistakes that we will evolve.
Also. I can feel how abusive “I’m sorry” can be. It can be so demeaning, such an attack, so imposing. Amazing isn’t it that we can change two words that are supposed to be a surrender into a vicious attack. I’m sure that anyone reading this has felt that. When someone says “I’m sorry” but doesn’t mean it – or worse, is actually not at all sorry and is still holding you in blame or judgment. It’s horrible. I’d rather the honesty of not saying it at all. (by the way – I’ve DEFINITELY done it – zillions of times). The other thing about “I’m sorry” is that it can be used to close a conversation, to shut it down. And that is awful, because that leaves the issue to cement between the two people. “I’m sorry” is a very delicate expression that should be used with absolute tenderness and surrender. Great to be shining a light on it Matilda. Thank you.
I used to believe that saying sorry makes you feel small yet it is the opposite. When we apologise and that apology comes with our inner acknowledgement and acceptance of the mistake we have made there comes a sense of freedom and spaciousness.
Like you Matilda I grew up with the belief that to say sorry was “..an admission of failure and a weakness..”. It is in fact an opportunity to take responsibility for our choices and actions and to reflect truth and love to those around us.
I love the truthfulness you bring to the word sorry. If said with honesty it brings clarity and healing. It is the same when we instead of swearing say what it is that we are upset about. It helps us to get rid of the disharmony we have brought to us instead of burying it within us.
For me it depends on how the”I’m sorry” has been said. It can be an avoidance, a get out clause, a quick fix. It can be a subjugation, a giving up. It can be a guilt laden, self-flagilating, self-punishment. Or is can be a display of transparency and equality, an opening to see more and an invitation for a deeper connection between two people.
You mention small changes Matilda. I am discovering how dismissive I can be about the simple choices I make on a daily basis and the huge impact each choice can have on me and others around me, both good and bad. Being dismissive is another way to duck and dive responsibility or in fact miss an opportunity to appreciate myself when my choices have been loving.
I have recently become aware of how dismissive I have been of myself too Debra, and it was truly horrible to feel in my body, a total dishonouring of myself. Now that I am aware of what has been happening I can catch it and put a stop to it as this dismissiveness is what is keeping me from evolving further to who I truly am, and as the purpose of life is to evolve then it doesn’t make sense to delay any further.
How funny, I wrote my reply before reading this, I picked up the same! It feels like there was a saying sorry that it did not seem big enough happening. I do the same thing so picked it up immediately! I find it so interesting how these patterns can hide in all sorts of behaviours that we don’t notice. What a grand opportunity to heal the pattern with support even coming from writing a blog. Thank you Matilda for writing and giving us all the opportunity to learn.
I have felt the impulse to say sorry many times, but then held it back for the same reasons you shared Matilda. It seems to be wrapped up in this shame about getting things wrong. Now that I am more accepting of myself and willing to embrace all of me, mistakes and all, its easier to say sorry, knowing I’m not a failure but a human being who, like you, is now prepared to take responsibility.
Great point, Debra. Our ability to say a true sorry that is free of shame, any caveat ‘but’ or control of another, is something that works in conjunction with our acceptance and appreciation of ourselves. A founding relationship that supports us to be open, honest and unwavering in our commitment to be always learning.
When my marriage broke down, I wrote to Serge Benhayon. His response was short and within it I felt fully held and supported in where I was. He simply said how sorry he was. This comment brought me to tears, like you Matilda I’d learnt there was something wrong with saying sorry or when people had said it to me in the past it came loaded with sympathy where the person before me dropped and I was left trying to make them feel better but this sorry from Serge was different. It held me, it loved me, it allowed all that had happened to me without a spec of judgement or criticism. It was beautiful to receive, it felt so compassionate to my situation yet allowed me to feel the sadness of the choice to break with someone I truly loved but could not work things through with. It was the true power of love in a simple sorry. After feeling how healing and supportive saying sorry could be, I now use it regularly.
Dear Matilda,
I can remember as a child that I would take on the responsibility and say sorry for what another had done, this was also shirking true responsibility, as it kept me away from what I was truly responsible for, myself. I was in a constant fix it, save others mode, that I spent very little time present with myself and being responsible for my behaviour.
There are so many ways to say sorry: say it, because you feel you have to and want to get it over with, or say it out of habit and to make yourself small, because everything is your fault anyway, or say it without meaning what you say and without taking responsibility for your part in the situation, or say it taking full responsibility and learn from the situation at hand, for there is no perfection.
That derision you speak of Matilda has been the excuse I’ve used in the past to avoid saying sorry and what I then learned to do was to not make mistakes and become hard on myself if I did in order to get in first before others had a chance. Whether or not I did say sorry was always conditional on how I felt it would be received.
My way is also the way of the Livingness. I love your accurate description:” The Way of The Livingness – a way of life that empowers everyone to know that they are in their own driving seats, not only masters of their own lives but an integral, essential part of humanity and all of our wellbeing.” This way of living makes us realize we are all members of humanity, we live on this planet together and we have to do it together. We influence each other with every choice we make and no one is more than another. We have a responsibility for our own life and for reflecting truth and love everyone else. Although we are less than a speck in the universe, we are part of it and our job is to shine like any of the stars.
There is such a power in saying sorry. I’ve seen situations diffuse simply by saying I’m sorry.
In reading your article Matilda, I realised that there are so many ways we can avoid saying sorry, the most common being “I’m sorry, but…” which is really not saying sorry at all.
I also love your acknowledgement of Serge Benhayon and The Way of the Livingness… the teachings offered through Serge are profound and life changing, and most often super simple. Who would think that being able to say sorry could mean so much… and yet it does. It goes to show how all encompassing true change is… one small aspect such as this, is actually a reflection of so much more that has changed, in order that the end result be to say sorry with ease and without shame.
It’s true Matilda, a simple “sorry” is very powerful – for both the giver and the receiver. It provides a stop, a moment to recognise, accept, learn and let go and move forward with ease.
I so agree Matilda, saying sorry is something l’ve been able to do for some time, and I have noticed that when I do, it not only offers something deeper in relationship with the one I am apologising to, but also gives them permission to admit when appropriate that they are also not perfect. This is very freeing, and does require a level of self-worth I agree… to not be identified with what we do so much as who we are.
It was interesting to even read your blog title Matilda.
When I read ‘the power of saying sorry’ I thought about people who say sorry as the power to manipulate people. They get their way by being sneakily submissive but all the while you are playing right into their hand.
But as we have been shown time and time again it isn’t the words we use but the intention (energy) behind them.
Well said Luke, it is always the energy and intention and not the words. Certainly many people use the sorry word in a very sorry way.
What is very lovely about this blog Mathilda is that in what you are saying about sorry, there is no remorse, guilt or shame, there is simply the openness and humility in surrendering to the fact that we will never be perfect. Sorry takes on a very different meaning and feeing, held by our love.
Thank you for clarifying a genuine apology – it can be freeing for both party to express an apology in such a way.
It is all about taking responsibility, we are the ones having a say about our lives. Knowing that all we are here to do is being ourselves and living in relationship with others, saying sorry is definitely part of this, as we aren’t perfect and it is a sign of great respect to apologise, for ourselves and for the other.
Wow this is a really interesting view of how saying sorry can come with responsibility. I was a big sucker for apologising for everything, but at the same time this really kept me as less. But to say sorry in responsibility is very different and allows me the understanding of not giving my power away – but actually stepping up.
‘I have found there is no shame in saying sorry – no abject apologising that leaves me less than the person I am apologising to – simply honesty, which comes with the humbleness and willingness to learn from mistakes.’ – Well said Matilda – honesty makes all the difference. Honesty offers true equality.
It makes so much sense what you are saying, that if we make a ‘mistake’ which is in truth not really a mistake but a learning, it is easy and common for many to look for a way out, to not take responsibility for the happening and not simply see it as a learning, but rather look for someone or something else to blame. It is a strategy to keep ourselves imprisoned in our pride.
Reading these comments is really inspiring. A conversation opening up to explore the many ways we complicate and confuse the way we relate to ourselves, each other and life. The integrity and quality with which we say anything is our responsibility and yes, avoiding ‘sorry’ or using it falsely does keep us imprisoned.
This is brilliant Matilda, feeling and saying sorry as a confirmation of truly how you are feeling. We can often say sorry, almost apologising for our existence, when we are in the way of someone, and it can roll off the tongue without any connection at all. Actually learning to take responsibility and saying sorry draws a line under that behaviour and starts a new way to be.
The power of ‘ sorry’ is felt in this super blog Matilda, especially the part that I read; ‘ instead of reducing me in shame, it is freeing me from patterns of self-criticism and self-loathing’. Wow, how something so simple can be liberating….
Sometimes it’s absolutely so necessary to say sorry, we all make mistakes, and it’s simply part of taking responsibility for what we’ve done.
It’s so true Matilda – there is a stigma around the phrase ‘I’m sorry’, and for many people they avoid these words in fear of being seen as ‘weak’ or ‘pathetic’.. This belief needs to be blown out of the water – as you’ve shared there are situations that call for a sincere apology, and this form of expression is what is needed to turn around the downward spiralling situation in a workplace, relationship, family and so forth… Sometimes ‘sorry’ is exactly what the situation calls for.
Beautifully said Susie: “Sometimes ‘sorry’ is exactly what the situation calls for”. No attachment, no identification – just saying it as it as it is and responding to what is true and called for.
For a long time I would rather bite my tongue off than to say sorry. Nowadays I don’t have any problem to say it, as it feels very loving and honouring of myself and the other. Every time I say sorry, I learn from it and it deepens my relationships. It is not about mistakes but about learning and than move on with life.
Thanks for writing this Matilda because quite often sorry does come with shame or guilt or being forced upon you. You give us – the readers – much to think about in our relationship with sorry and how/when we say it .