Relating to Women as a Man

As I’m writing this I’m on a weekend away with a male friends’ group, who have known each other for nearly 28 years (two I have known for over 35 years). In the past few years I’ve been reconnecting to them as I could feel that even though I’ve made a lot of different choices, I missed them and love them dearly. The absolute beauty is how they’ve welcomed me back without reservation, having missed me too. Being on this weekend away with me is highlighting how much I express what I truly feel and how much I hold back. A beautiful journey within a journey.

This experience made me appreciate how far I have come in terms of how I now relate to women and how I used to relate to them. Women (in my experience, at least), have often been a favourite topic to talk about or comment on. These talks or comments in the past were usually about looks and/or were often sexually related.

Even writing about this now brings up embarrassment for me. Up until now I’ve only expressed a little about how I felt about this but not really discussed it, nor claimed how this truly feels. I could share and express so much more as I’ve learned a lot since last June, when my belief that I was ‘better’ than women was exposed in one of the sessions during a Universal Medicine Esoteric Healing course. This was due to the caring support and consistent and firm communication with the person I was working with, who kept encouraging me to feel this belief that I held within my body. I remember how I really needed to choose honesty and make the choice to deeply connect to my body. Since this time, much has been revealed and when I woke up this morning, I had the following realisations:

  1. I actually would love to be honoured and loved in the most honouring and loving way possible.
  2. We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.
  3. If I don’t share what I’ve learned, I’m telling myself that Love isn’t important.
  4. By not sharing what I’ve learned, I shy away from responsibility.
  5. By being silent, I’m allowing the inequality between men and women in everyday society and making my life about me, not about all of us and everything around us.
  6. Do I want the next generation of women, who are growing up now, experiencing the same when they are in their teens?
  7. Do I want the next generation of men to check out, harden, harass and bully just as much (or more) than I did?
  8. Or do I want to contribute to how warm, loving, intimate, equal, unfolding, joyful and loving the relationship between women and men can be – without any sexual hooks?

I’m experiencing some very special relationships with women of different ages, which are to me incredible and very precious. Writing about the preciousness is very touching to me, as these relationships are very dear to both myself and to the women.

Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?

I’ve been playing the game of independence all my life (or at least as long as I can remember) – the game of protecting my individuality and telling the world to “leave me alone.” However, what I’m craving most is to be met, loved and cared for. It’s so wondrous that the more I care for and love myself, the more I’m able to drop my self-protective stance and let women (and men) in.

The ‘results’ are amazing and follow naturally. By letting in women and their many different expressions of love, and by expressing my own love and affection, I have felt more honouring and appreciation than I have ever felt in my life before.

This is deepening every day. I still feel quite vulnerable and I am, at times, confronted with a lot of distrust within myself, but I’m much more able to discern what is true love and appreciation from what is not, and with that I’m learning to let true love and appreciation in, surrendering and deepening the acceptance that I am indeed a precious and loving being myself.

There’s so much appreciation for both myself and for the women and men around me for having the courage, love, care and patience to support me by sharing their lives and love with me. And a special thank you to my friends who have inspired me to write this.

By Floris van der Schot, Career Coach, Life Coach, Practitioner Esoteric Healing and Esoteric Connective Tissue Therapy, Business Consultant in Evolution in Work and Education, Zutphen, The Netherlands.

** As a man I am deeply tender, caring and loving. I love my roles as a father, friend, brother, son, colleague, fellow brother of life, philosopher and as a son of God. I’m in awe with people and the communication and relationships between them – which to me is true religion and science.

Further Reading:
What is Intimacy?
Learning to Love Women and Men
A Sharing for Men About Women
The beauty of loving women. Women loving and honouring women is a lost art – be reminded how glorious it is.

618 thoughts on “Relating to Women as a Man

  1. As a woman, to allow yourself to be adored by another, you must first be capable of adoring yourself! And this can be a challenge if you have not done this most of your life!

  2. Letting love in and letting love out in full is a blessing for each and every one of us, and this is what relationships are really about.

  3. Lately I opened up more to really connect with people. To let them in on my heart, stopped with this protection from where I had this more controlled Connection with people.
    This changed my relation with men also. To be really intimate with men without any sexual hooks, just intimate is what deepens also the intimacy with myself.

  4. “We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.” Yes I feel this is true but then women have forgotten this too. We have learnt to toughen up like the men and in the process given up on the one thing that could support men to honour their own fragility.

  5. “Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?” We often hold back scared we will get hurt, yet nothing hurts us more then holding back the love that is naturally there to share.

  6. “Or do I want to contribute to how warm, loving, intimate, equal, unfolding, joyful and loving the relationship between women and men can be – without any sexual hooks?” – yes and there’s always such freeness and harmlessness when there is no hook with which to (metaphorically speaking) catch any bait.

  7. “Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?” Because to do that we first have to love ourselves and to do that we have to address our unresolved hurts, come to terms with all the unloving acts we have down and yet still love ourselves. For many the journey seems too daunting and painful.

  8. ” It’s so wondrous that the more I care for and love myself, the more I’m able to drop my self-protective stance and let women (and men) in”. Self-love is the doorway to the love of others.

  9. When we get past the fact that someone is a man or a woman we realise that we are all just people. This ought to be our starting point whenever we talk about gender.

    1. Beautifully said Elizabeth – and so it is true that we are all the same deep inside, and yet our experiences as a man or woman in this life can certainly cloud that reality up. And at the same time, how beautiful of each of us to reflect those divine qualities that we are here to reflect.

  10. “We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.” My experience of men confirms this statement. The more a man surrenders to his fragility the more his love and cherishing of women comes out.

  11. How beautiful that your friends welcomed you back with no judgment a true confirmation that brotherhood is our natural way of being, and when we express with love we deepen those friendships too.

  12. To drop our protection around people can seem like the scariest thing on the planet, but once we begin the path and the weight starts to fall off we can see that nothing in this world feels better than to walk with an open heart.

  13. This is very beautiful to read. I love asking myself the question, ‘Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?’ because the answer reveals I have a choice to embrace my fragility and be open with the world. It’s so much easier than remembering to keep up all the walls of protection around me in a bid to ‘independent’ – or rather shut down and closed off. The more I love myself and venture to get to know who I am, the more I’m sharing who I am with others.

  14. Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other? The pride of the individual who thinks he can do it all on his own and doesn’t want to loose this not seeing the wonder of unity and how we are all one.

  15. Its interesting – I’m reminded of how I can treat my friends at times… taking them for granted, making jokes about them, just being a bit relaxed and verging on disrespectful. Yet when I take a moment to appreciate them, to honour their qualities, to remind myself of everything they are and represent… wow. It all changes and the flippancy is replaced by the deep love and respect I have for them, and my whole being changes in that relationship.

  16. I love your second realization, Floris: ‘We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.’ And I would add to that: we as women have difficulty accepting the empowerment of adoring men.

  17. “Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?” – I really get that, and I know how we say to ourselves we don’t care therefore projecting the same and try convincing ourselves that others don’t care either, and justify our decision not to commit to a relationship, not to honour, not to offer decency and respect – all in fear of getting hurt again.

    1. That question stood out for me too, Fumiyo and today at a wedding ceremony it was actually the theme of the speech: how much we all do care and love each other and not only the bride and groom or other couples but all of us, all human beings.

  18. Your eight realisations are so beautiful to read and as a woman I thank you for bringing this deep awareness to a world that so desperately needs the loving balance between men and women to be restored. Yes, every single one of us, both men and women, would “love to be honoured and loved in the most honouring and loving way possible” and that honouring needs to begin with us, honouring the amazing and very lovable beings that we each of us is.

  19. What stood out to me very clearly was you mention of how not sharing what you have learnt is saying that love is not important. This is exactly what we do when we hold back and we can all agree that it is a lie to say that love is not important as it is very clearly needed in our world today.

  20. Of course we as Men adore Women… when they exude their sacredness we are hard wired to respond to that with an equal dose of strength and vulnerability. But is that the way we treat women, or allow ourselves to be inspired by them – its such a missed opportunity, and only by the ones who appreciate that speaking up will we start to turn the tide.

  21. Admitting, accepting, enjoying and embracing the fact that we all yearn to love and be loved invites me to consider what I can do about this. And my answer seems to be very simple – something to practise in every moment – whatever is happening around me, being said and felt, if I stay open to the enormous love that is our natural and is absolutely infinite then I begin to break through the stereotypes and learned behaviour that has me in resistance.

  22. Men having the permission to see women as glorious, as wonderful and as a partner in the sense of someone who is with you through thick and thin, who has your back, and who walks beside you is perhaps one of life’s greatest supports.

    1. That a woman walks beside us, equal but bringing a different quality… and so relationships have the potential to develop so much more in us if we allow them in, than going it alone.

  23. My sense is that as we live a deeper relationship with ourselves and as, therefore, our benchmark for decency deepens, so to do we notice more in what we have said, allowed and been part of. The sense of responsibility is therefore also deeper and it is easier to speak up when something does not feel right.

    1. Yes it is this deeper relationship with ourselves that allows us to be honest about our own contribution to the whole, to see through the illusion we have been and at times are still part of and no longer let things pass that don’t feel true to us.

  24. “It’s so wondrous that the more I care for and love myself, the more I’m able to drop my self-protective stance and let women (and men) in” – beautifully written Floris. If we hold protection, we cannot hold love because it can’t enter for the block that is in the way. Loosing the bolder of protection, is to open, create space to love.

  25. I love the honesty in this blog. Realising the lack of truth in the idea that we are better than others is a great starting point for a series of self realisations, which will pour forth if we start to let go of the lies that hold the fabric of our lives together.

  26. As a woman it is humbling to read this post Floris and see how deeply you now appreciate women in their true expression. Men and women are equal, we just express differently – and when we each appreciate that the true qualities of who we are can thrive.

  27. It is only the ideals and beliefs that we choose that say there is a difference between each other and genders. This is very sad to feel when the essence of all is the same.

  28. We exist in a sad distortion where we see our interactions with women through a sexual lense, and compete till our last breath with men. Stop doing this and we might find that we’re all so much grander than we think.

    1. What a waste Joseph, and begs the question of how did that lens get so distorted. What is the world we live in when view is what we emerge with after our upbringing, our education and our fit with society.

  29. Floris, it’s truly beautiful to feel your sensitivity and delicateness come through your writing and to feel your openness to embrace this more deeply, as a man in your expression.

  30. You give us a beautiful marker of what it is to be tender and loving and deeply caring, Floris. Just reading your words all of these qualities can be felt profoundly.

  31. “Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other”? This is a great question. I can say for myself when I feel how much love I have for people, the gap between what I feel and what happens on a daily basis is vast. So, I tone down how much I feel, even switch it off to function in the world. I know this is a convenient false safety that this is not the way to be and offers no point of difference for anyone else. I have so many role models who are open and loving and motivated each day by the gap between humanity’s potential and current state.

  32. When a man allows himself to receive the delicateness and preciousness of a woman he is at the same time allowing those qualities within himself to be ignited.

  33. Reading this touched me deeply. It connected to me to a truth that you write of, is how we are meant to live. We are divinely designed to be open, transparent, and loving with each other. And when we don’t live that way, it cripples us, in ways bigger than we will ever know.

    1. The more we are willing to be honest and not hold back the quality we live we are give another the permission to feel the safety from within.

  34. I love what you are sharing here Floris, and I particularly like how you say “We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.” This is so beautiful and simple and not at all complicated, realising that alone is the fast lane back to ones tenderness and warmth as it is then just a matter of dropping the many layers that cover this exquisiteness and true nature of ourselves.

  35. The way men are educated by society to view, approach and look at women is far from their natural expression and for a man to come to a point where he is connected enough to himself to admit that the way this has been is not true and to then express the tender, caring and sensitivity he holds within is what the true strength and bravery of a man is about.

  36. The game of independence is merely another form of the deceptive game of individuality that keeps us not only separated from each other, but from living the potential true collaboration we are all capable of together.

  37. I just felt a deep sense of appreciation from what you shared. You showed that connection is so much what we yearn for as humans and that when we meet each other in that space a whole other awareness opens up.

  38. This is deeply beautiful Floris van der Schot. Its like a parable. It presents how you should express the love between men and women and hence denote why it is not always there. You could write this into something for all removing the personal so to speak so it could be a foundation of the adoration we naturally have for whatever partner male or female we prefer. Very touching .. thank you Floris I feel like reading it again.

  39. When a man honours his own sensitivity and then meets a woman in this and is able to adore and honour her, it is a very beautiful experience. I deeply love when men treat me in this way- it confirms all I am and all they are too.

  40. “I’m learning to let true love and appreciation in, surrendering and deepening the acceptance that I am indeed a precious and loving being myself.” it all starts with us developing a deep love for ourselves realising that we are worth loving, we are love, and sharing our love with all others, knowing that they too are love in their innermost being. thank you Floris for a beautiful sharing.

  41. “I’ve been playing the game of independence all my life (or at least as long as I can remember) – the game of protecting my individuality and telling the world to “leave me alone.” How common is this?! Yet we are quick to complain about others and their behaviour towards us. The kindness of turning our attention inward to be honest about how we feel about ourselves first and foremost is so powerful. We run away from fragility yet, in truth, we should run towards it because that is closer to the essence of who we are and work so hard to cover up.

  42. I am absolute loving developing more , intimate, equal, unfolding and joyful loving the relationship between the opposite sex – with no sexual energy involved. I feel this evolution has come about from getting to know myself and therefore being able to be open and to truly trust another.

  43. “By being silent, I’m allowing the inequality between men and women in everyday society and making my life about me, not about all of us and everything around us.” – This was a stand-out claim to read for me, Floris, and inspiring as well, because I can now feel how there are many times when I have come to a greater understanding or awareness of something in my life, but tend to hold it to myself sometimes out of either fear of it not being accepted or even worse, that I will be rejected or criticised for sharing it if it challenges people too much.

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