As I’m writing this I’m on a weekend away with a male friends’ group, who have known each other for nearly 28 years (two I have known for over 35 years). In the past few years I’ve been reconnecting to them as I could feel that even though I’ve made a lot of different choices, I missed them and love them dearly. The absolute beauty is how they’ve welcomed me back without reservation, having missed me too. Being on this weekend away with me is highlighting how much I express what I truly feel and how much I hold back. A beautiful journey within a journey.
This experience made me appreciate how far I have come in terms of how I now relate to women and how I used to relate to them. Women (in my experience, at least), have often been a favourite topic to talk about or comment on. These talks or comments in the past were usually about looks and/or were often sexually related.
Even writing about this now brings up embarrassment for me. Up until now I’ve only expressed a little about how I felt about this but not really discussed it, nor claimed how this truly feels. I could share and express so much more as I’ve learned a lot since last June, when my belief that I was ‘better’ than women was exposed in one of the sessions during a Universal Medicine Esoteric Healing course. This was due to the caring support and consistent and firm communication with the person I was working with, who kept encouraging me to feel this belief that I held within my body. I remember how I really needed to choose honesty and make the choice to deeply connect to my body. Since this time, much has been revealed and when I woke up this morning, I had the following realisations:
- I actually would love to be honoured and loved in the most honouring and loving way possible.
- We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.
- If I don’t share what I’ve learned, I’m telling myself that Love isn’t important.
- By not sharing what I’ve learned, I shy away from responsibility.
- By being silent, I’m allowing the inequality between men and women in everyday society and making my life about me, not about all of us and everything around us.
- Do I want the next generation of women, who are growing up now, experiencing the same when they are in their teens?
- Do I want the next generation of men to check out, harden, harass and bully just as much (or more) than I did?
- Or do I want to contribute to how warm, loving, intimate, equal, unfolding, joyful and loving the relationship between women and men can be – without any sexual hooks?
I’m experiencing some very special relationships with women of different ages, which are to me incredible and very precious. Writing about the preciousness is very touching to me, as these relationships are very dear to both myself and to the women.
Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?
I’ve been playing the game of independence all my life (or at least as long as I can remember) – the game of protecting my individuality and telling the world to “leave me alone.” However, what I’m craving most is to be met, loved and cared for. It’s so wondrous that the more I care for and love myself, the more I’m able to drop my self-protective stance and let women (and men) in.
The ‘results’ are amazing and follow naturally. By letting in women and their many different expressions of love, and by expressing my own love and affection, I have felt more honouring and appreciation than I have ever felt in my life before.
This is deepening every day. I still feel quite vulnerable and I am, at times, confronted with a lot of distrust within myself, but I’m much more able to discern what is true love and appreciation from what is not, and with that I’m learning to let true love and appreciation in, surrendering and deepening the acceptance that I am indeed a precious and loving being myself.
There’s so much appreciation for both myself and for the women and men around me for having the courage, love, care and patience to support me by sharing their lives and love with me. And a special thank you to my friends who have inspired me to write this.
By Floris van der Schot, Career Coach, Life Coach, Practitioner Esoteric Healing and Esoteric Connective Tissue Therapy, Business Consultant in Evolution in Work and Education, Zutphen, The Netherlands.
** As a man I am deeply tender, caring and loving. I love my roles as a father, friend, brother, son, colleague, fellow brother of life, philosopher and as a son of God. I’m in awe with people and the communication and relationships between them – which to me is true religion and science.
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628 thoughts on “Relating to Women as a Man”
Floris, what an honour to read this from the men that are out there, that have then taken on a persona of how men are portrayed out in this world, hard and hard.
I totally agree with this statement, “however, what I’m craving most is to be met, loved and cared for”. I feel this is a message for every human that walks this planet, we are all wanting to be met. It matters not that the body has breasts or testicles, we are just needing to be met from that place that we have once come from, and that is God’s children. It is that simple.
“Or do I want to contribute to how warm, loving, intimate, equal, unfolding, joyful and loving the relationship between women and men can be ” An beautiful invitation for women to live their preciousness and sacredness and for men to live their gentle tenderness.
I agree Mary, every one of us have these qualities within us. Being a sensitive man does not mean you are weak, I see a strength of power equally in all. It is so beautiful to feel what part this was written by, and that is the Soul. The Soul only loves us for what we are…
A beautiful transparent and vulnerable sharing of yourself Floris, ‘I still feel quite vulnerable and I am, at times, confronted with a lot of distrust within myself, but I’m much more able to discern what is true love and appreciation from what is not, and with that I’m learning to let true love and appreciation in, surrendering and deepening the acceptance that I am indeed a precious and loving being myself.’
I can so relate to what you have shared so honestly with us all Floris
‘I’ve been playing the game of independence all my life (or at least as long as I can remember) – the game of protecting my individuality and telling the world to “leave me alone.” However, what I’m craving most is to be met, loved and cared for. It’s so wondrous that the more I care for and love myself, the more I’m able to drop my self-protective stance and let women (and men) in. ‘
I know I learnt to be independent from very young, being sick at night going down stairs and knocking on my parents door crying because I felt so ill and not getting a response. Having done this a few times with no response and being told not to bother them during the night, I came to the understanding I was on my own, many incidents drove this home to me so I isolated myself and looked after myself as best I could.
Since meeting Serge Benhayon and the entire family I am slowly coming out of my self imposed exile because as you say so honestly what we are actually craving is to be met, loved and appreciated for all the joy and beauty we have within us which is just waiting to be reconnected to.
A beautiful and honest sharing from someone who too learnt to be very independent, and is equally choosing to come out of their ‘self imposed exile’.
I love all your realisations, particularly this one ‘By not sharing what I’ve learned, I shy away from responsibility.’
Reading how we can open up by simply exploring how our relationships work and simply sharing and that this exposes a lot of ways we can heal our issues that come up especially around sex as you have shared Floris, is evolutionary-magic.
‘If I don’t share what I’ve learned, I’m telling myself that Love isn’t important.’ So true, or people for that matter.
Thank you Floris, it’s very beautiful to read views of a man opening back up to his own love and sensitivity. Reading your blog I also was able to appreciate myself more for what I bring to men in my life, and the way I meet and appreciate them for who they are, and share all of me as a delicate and sweet woman.
It is beautiful to read and feel a man opening op to his love, sensitivity and tenderness.
Choosing honesty and making the choice to stay connected to our body as much as possible, is certainly part of a wonderfully healing prescription for life, especially when it comes to the relationships in our lives, whether it be with men or women. Without honesty and self-connection we are in danger of perpetuating the separation we live in, not only with others, but with ourselves
I have come to understand that we separate from ourselves first and in that separation we are in separation to all others.
This is such an honouring blog to come back and read again, Floris. Your understanding of where you have been as a man and how in general most men have been is deeply honest. Sharing your new perspective is deeply refreshing and healing.
I agree Rachel, I feel the same. It reminded me of the experiences listening to women when I was a child, that “men can’t change”, but they indeed can if they choose to and have the support. Floris is a very beautiful example of letting go of what’s imposed onto men, beliefs etc, and returning to being the natural and loving man within.
To feel the preciousness and fragility in another we also need to be able to feel it in ourselves, and to do this we have to start letting go of our hurts and protection to allow our own vulnerability to come through. It is for us all to learn, to open up to each other and as you say ‘the results are amazing’ and well worth exploring.
True, it is important to let go of our hurts and protection, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, ‘To feel the preciousness and fragility in another we also need to be able to feel it in ourselves, and to do this we have to start letting go of our hurts and protection to allow our own vulnerability to come through.’
This is a beautiful sharing Floris, learning to drop my protection and to be open to others has been key to deepening not only my relationships with others but especially myself.
Developing true relationships and at least being able to live these in decency and respect for others is supper important.
It is great to realise that we are not our behaviours when we are becoming more aware of what we are choosing. Because otherwise it becomes very easy to get hard on ourselves and disgusted from ourselves and this does not help in the process of letting go of these behaviours.
As a woman, to allow yourself to be adored by another, you must first be capable of adoring yourself! And this can be a challenge if you have not done this most of your life!
Letting love in and letting love out in full is a blessing for each and every one of us, and this is what relationships are really about.
Lately I opened up more to really connect with people. To let them in on my heart, stopped with this protection from where I had this more controlled Connection with people.
This changed my relation with men also. To be really intimate with men without any sexual hooks, just intimate is what deepens also the intimacy with myself.
“We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.” Yes I feel this is true but then women have forgotten this too. We have learnt to toughen up like the men and in the process given up on the one thing that could support men to honour their own fragility.
“Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?” We often hold back scared we will get hurt, yet nothing hurts us more then holding back the love that is naturally there to share.
“Or do I want to contribute to how warm, loving, intimate, equal, unfolding, joyful and loving the relationship between women and men can be – without any sexual hooks?” – yes and there’s always such freeness and harmlessness when there is no hook with which to (metaphorically speaking) catch any bait.
“Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?” Because to do that we first have to love ourselves and to do that we have to address our unresolved hurts, come to terms with all the unloving acts we have down and yet still love ourselves. For many the journey seems too daunting and painful.
” It’s so wondrous that the more I care for and love myself, the more I’m able to drop my self-protective stance and let women (and men) in”. Self-love is the doorway to the love of others.
When we get past the fact that someone is a man or a woman we realise that we are all just people. This ought to be our starting point whenever we talk about gender.
Beautifully said Elizabeth – and so it is true that we are all the same deep inside, and yet our experiences as a man or woman in this life can certainly cloud that reality up. And at the same time, how beautiful of each of us to reflect those divine qualities that we are here to reflect.
“We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.” My experience of men confirms this statement. The more a man surrenders to his fragility the more his love and cherishing of women comes out.
How beautiful that your friends welcomed you back with no judgment a true confirmation that brotherhood is our natural way of being, and when we express with love we deepen those friendships too.
A beautiful reminder to appreciate each other in all our fragility and strength.
Appreciate each other as we all love one another in truth, ‘Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?’
To drop our protection around people can seem like the scariest thing on the planet, but once we begin the path and the weight starts to fall off we can see that nothing in this world feels better than to walk with an open heart.
This is such an honouring and reflective blog for women and men. You bring so much in the writing of it Floris that I am deeply touched.
This is very beautiful to read. I love asking myself the question, ‘Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?’ because the answer reveals I have a choice to embrace my fragility and be open with the world. It’s so much easier than remembering to keep up all the walls of protection around me in a bid to ‘independent’ – or rather shut down and closed off. The more I love myself and venture to get to know who I am, the more I’m sharing who I am with others.
And also to admit how much we adore being honoured, and loved, ‘I actually would love to be honoured and loved in the most honouring and loving way possible.’
Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other? The pride of the individual who thinks he can do it all on his own and doesn’t want to loose this not seeing the wonder of unity and how we are all one.
We can so easily send out false messages to what is really the truth, trying to protect ourselves, whereas ‘what I’m craving most is to be met, loved and cared for. ‘
Its interesting – I’m reminded of how I can treat my friends at times… taking them for granted, making jokes about them, just being a bit relaxed and verging on disrespectful. Yet when I take a moment to appreciate them, to honour their qualities, to remind myself of everything they are and represent… wow. It all changes and the flippancy is replaced by the deep love and respect I have for them, and my whole being changes in that relationship.
A very poignant point in that if we are being jokey or flippant with friends we are in some ways dismissing them for who they truly are … could it be that first we are dismissing us in who we truly are therefore do that to another as well so easily. Of course this doesn’t mean that we cannot have a laugh or joke with a friend but it brings more awareness, honesty and truth to why we may do something.
I love your second realization, Floris: ‘We, as men, adore women – we’ve simply forgotten how to be with that fragility.’ And I would add to that: we as women have difficulty accepting the empowerment of adoring men.
“Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other?” – I really get that, and I know how we say to ourselves we don’t care therefore projecting the same and try convincing ourselves that others don’t care either, and justify our decision not to commit to a relationship, not to honour, not to offer decency and respect – all in fear of getting hurt again.
That question stood out for me too, Fumiyo and today at a wedding ceremony it was actually the theme of the speech: how much we all do care and love each other and not only the bride and groom or other couples but all of us, all human beings.
Your eight realisations are so beautiful to read and as a woman I thank you for bringing this deep awareness to a world that so desperately needs the loving balance between men and women to be restored. Yes, every single one of us, both men and women, would “love to be honoured and loved in the most honouring and loving way possible” and that honouring needs to begin with us, honouring the amazing and very lovable beings that we each of us is.
What stood out to me very clearly was you mention of how not sharing what you have learnt is saying that love is not important. This is exactly what we do when we hold back and we can all agree that it is a lie to say that love is not important as it is very clearly needed in our world today.
Of course we as Men adore Women… when they exude their sacredness we are hard wired to respond to that with an equal dose of strength and vulnerability. But is that the way we treat women, or allow ourselves to be inspired by them – its such a missed opportunity, and only by the ones who appreciate that speaking up will we start to turn the tide.
Coming back to an old point of expression offers a great reflection of where are we now and opens the way to appreciate how far have we go.
Admitting, accepting, enjoying and embracing the fact that we all yearn to love and be loved invites me to consider what I can do about this. And my answer seems to be very simple – something to practise in every moment – whatever is happening around me, being said and felt, if I stay open to the enormous love that is our natural and is absolutely infinite then I begin to break through the stereotypes and learned behaviour that has me in resistance.
Men having the permission to see women as glorious, as wonderful and as a partner in the sense of someone who is with you through thick and thin, who has your back, and who walks beside you is perhaps one of life’s greatest supports.
That a woman walks beside us, equal but bringing a different quality… and so relationships have the potential to develop so much more in us if we allow them in, than going it alone.
My sense is that as we live a deeper relationship with ourselves and as, therefore, our benchmark for decency deepens, so to do we notice more in what we have said, allowed and been part of. The sense of responsibility is therefore also deeper and it is easier to speak up when something does not feel right.
Yes it is this deeper relationship with ourselves that allows us to be honest about our own contribution to the whole, to see through the illusion we have been and at times are still part of and no longer let things pass that don’t feel true to us.
It also means there is less shaming and blaming and more taking responsibility for our part in the whole.
“It’s so wondrous that the more I care for and love myself, the more I’m able to drop my self-protective stance and let women (and men) in” – beautifully written Floris. If we hold protection, we cannot hold love because it can’t enter for the block that is in the way. Loosing the bolder of protection, is to open, create space to love.
As a woman it is humbling to read this post Floris and see how deeply you now appreciate women in their true expression. Men and women are equal, we just express differently – and when we each appreciate that the true qualities of who we are can thrive.
It is only the ideals and beliefs that we choose that say there is a difference between each other and genders. This is very sad to feel when the essence of all is the same.
The false ideas we have about who we are get in the way of us connecting. When we let beliefs about them and us in – we’re lost at sea.
Lost to ourselves and therefore lost, yes.
We exist in a sad distortion where we see our interactions with women through a sexual lense, and compete till our last breath with men. Stop doing this and we might find that we’re all so much grander than we think.
What a waste Joseph, and begs the question of how did that lens get so distorted. What is the world we live in when view is what we emerge with after our upbringing, our education and our fit with society.
Floris, it’s truly beautiful to feel your sensitivity and delicateness come through your writing and to feel your openness to embrace this more deeply, as a man in your expression.
You give us a beautiful marker of what it is to be tender and loving and deeply caring, Floris. Just reading your words all of these qualities can be felt profoundly.
“Why is it so hard to admit to ourselves, and each other, how much we care for and love each other”? This is a great question. I can say for myself when I feel how much love I have for people, the gap between what I feel and what happens on a daily basis is vast. So, I tone down how much I feel, even switch it off to function in the world. I know this is a convenient false safety that this is not the way to be and offers no point of difference for anyone else. I have so many role models who are open and loving and motivated each day by the gap between humanity’s potential and current state.
When a man allows himself to receive the delicateness and preciousness of a woman he is at the same time allowing those qualities within himself to be ignited.