The Truth about the Cycle of Abuse

I was going to write this blog from the perspective that I was in an abusive relationship with my partner, and he was the perpetrator, and I the victim. I genuinely believed this, at least, until… I started getting really deeply honest and truth-full with myself.

What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply, is that I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!

I personally have had a pattern of focusing intensely on my partners and my relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe ‘being’ and bringing our ALL in our relationships IS a healthy and absolutely necessary thing to do – but I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings. This has been a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts in me and acknowledging how those hurts translate into non-loving expressions, blaming others and behaviours within my relationships.

That brings me to now, eight months into the relationship I am currently having with a beautiful man, whom I adore… and the cycle of abuse is still felt equally as acutely as I felt it way back in my early twenties when I was in a physically abusive relationship. Although my partner doesn’t hit me, or yell or scream at me, I have discovered a cyclical pattern within our relationship that feels very old and very familiar!

What I had previously focused on was what my partner ‘did wrong’ or ‘didn’t do right’ and hence, from where I was looking, it was easy to notice when he was grumpy or venting his frustration and stay stuck in the ‘he did me wrong’ victim story! But what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.

I am blessed to have a partner who took the time to express to me the other day that he felt that I had glared at him with daggers when he was sitting on the bed and I was putting our youngest daughter to bed and when I said “I would like to be sitting down and relaxing too!” he felt that this statement had come loaded…. It did!

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about berating myself either – as I may and often do have very valid points to express, but on honest reflection of this occasion I was able to feel and acknowledge that how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!

So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.

The understanding that I am coming to is that to truly heal and put this cycle of abuse to rest, Once and For All, we must deeply and honestly look into how we are and have been, firstly with ourselves.

I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse. That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.

So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?

Have I listened deeply to what my body truly wants? Have I rested when tired? Have I eaten nourishing foods when hungry? Have I moved gently in a way that honors my body deeply? Not always. Not even most of the time.

And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?

I have stonewalled and neglected myself in millions of subtle little ways throughout my days. I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!

The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.

When I have made my partner’s issues the focus of my ‘love’ attention and ‘care’ – rather than responsibly choosing to love, honour and care for me – it has been super-imposing! The not-so subtle message sent is, “You need me to care for you, because you aren’t capable of doing it for yourself!” Ouch!! Is it any wonder my partner feels like pulling away?! When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.

Each one of us can have very different ideas of what constitutes abuse within a relationship…

Most of us agree that physical violence is abuse… and yes, I have and would absolutely  advocate saying “no” to and walking away from any relationship that condones such behaviour. But what about neglect? What about stonewalling someone? What about the occasional swear word said in the heat of the moment? The silent treatment? Venting our frustration? Do we acknowledge these as abuse? Where exactly IS the line in the sand?

What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.

The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…

We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! We have been told that love is something reserved for a particular person or group of people whom we hold above all else. But the truth is…

Love is actually who we are!

And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day! When we accept this responsibility we can begin to heal, and when we begin to heal and let go of what isn’t truly who we are, we are able to truly meet another from our fullness.

Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!

I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed.

Thank you to Serge Benhayon who was the first man who met me from this absolute unwavering place of total self-responsibility, and as such is one of my greatest inspirations.

by Anon, Melbourne, Australia 

Further Reading:
Why Did You Stay? An Insight Into Abuse
Abuse – My Understanding So Far
Self-Abuse Under the Umbrella of Making it Right

696 thoughts on “The Truth about the Cycle of Abuse

  1. These cycles of abuse can be so destructive, yet they are sooooo familiar to us that they have a way of just playing out and playing out and playing out. It does take one person to change that pattern and that person has to be us, ourselves. We cannot wait for another person to change, be another way, we have to do that for ourselves.

    1. Absolutely Kylie Jackson. Choosing not to accept our part in it leaves us on a merry-go-round in which the blame continues and each time leads us to move away from learning the loving truth that supports everyone to grow.

  2. Self abuse begins with us denying that we are absolutely precious – even if the world around us is not confirming it to be so.

    1. Kylie. These few simple words say so much to me; they inspire me to honour my own preciousness as a beautiful foundation for what I do or don’t accept both from myself going into the world and from the world that I am going in to. Precious words.

  3. “I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!” I know that victimhood stance well. This is huge in terms of realisations…for how many of us want to blame and criticise others without first looking at what we have allowed and set up in the first place? In truth abuse can only happen if we allow it to be so.

  4. The other day I had a lovely reflection of how building Love as my way, my body recognises that Love is the way I choose and everything that is not that Love just drops away. Incidents still happen, but they have no impact on me or my body. There is no reaction to hook into, because I am steady in the Love that I know myself to be.

  5. I was just recently finding myself encountering a situation that felt very familiar and actually repeated a number of times, and I notice there’s a pattern. I can use this experience to confirm my belief about this thing/situation to be wrong and avoid them for the rest of my life. Reading your sharing, I can feel there’s more for me to read and take responsibility for – at least my reaction.

    1. The reaction is key. Often we can fool ourselves in believing that we have dealt with someone or something by avoiding (out of sight, out of mind, type of thing), but if there is still a reaction then it becomes clear that we have still not truly dealt with the energy involved, and like you have stated Fumiyo taken responsibility for our reactions.

  6. Anon, this ‘hits the nail on the head’ for me, ‘I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings’, I can feel that this is in the past how I was in relationships, always seeing the others faults and focusing on these rather than honestly and truly focusing on myself and things that I needed to work on, this is changing as I become less defensive and more open and understanding with myself and seeing behaviours that are not loving as not the true me and so I am willing to change these.

    1. And this begins and ends with each of us – we must take responsibility for the energy we live and whether we are willing to live and accept Love or settle for rampant Abuse on every level.

    1. Simply said Leonne – responsibility is a game changer and when coupled with observation, it is very difficult to get caught up in hurts or emotional reactions.

  7. I have come to understand that what I believe I deserve is what i accept in my life. That includes behaviour in my home, how people treat me, speak around me, what I drive, the quality of food I eat the list goes on. If I have a loving relationship with myself then i am more accepting of loving relationships in all areas of my life including the things I choose to have around me.

  8. You have very powerfully shared that when surrounded by abuse, and we are treated horribly that we still have the power to say NO, I have ready blogs describing the corruption in the police force and the law system which is suppose to be supporting those who are abused not allowing things to carry on as they are. The power is totally OURS to say what we will and will not accept in our life.

  9. This is something I am working on at the moment. What came to me this morning was “just tell the truth” – that’s it. I can feel how I have avoided telling the truth for many years, but what has happened as a result is the rot has set in and in all honesty it feels pretty terrible. So here goes…..

  10. Until we accept ourselves as the precious beings that we are we will never see the level of abuse that is all around us and the part we play in either creating or continuing the cycle. What I love is your partner spoke with honesty when you spoke to him from a victim mode, and in this you were able to stop and feel how you had created the situation. Calling out abuse however minuscule it may seem stops us going into the hurt and allows the other person to see their behaviour is not acceptable and the harming it can be.

  11. We have a skewed perception of love and abuse within society for we have tolerated, accepted and allowed unfathomable levels of abuse on every level to the point that being Loving stands out a mile as something unusual and against the status quo. This is ludicrous when you consider that we are all divine and loving beings and the smallest whiff of abuse when living Love would be undeniable… It goes to show how far from Love we are living as a whole.

  12. I still have much of my own preciousness to embrace and accept. It is an ongoing evolution and sits in tandem with the abuse that I accept and thus, by science, the abuse that express. Living and breathing my preciousness is the key to seeing and feeling it all. And through my choices, I then heal and inspire others to also accept and express less abuse in their lives.

  13. It is interesting how we expect and almost demand from others what we are unwilling to give to ourselves, and then when that is not delivered we feel hard done by and rejected, but all along we are rejecting ourselves – sounds crazy. This article certainly points out how we live in a cycle of abuse and that it is within our own hands to put an end to it.

  14. What a brilliant sharing! So needed on this subject which as you state at the beginning more often than not goes into the focus of victim/perpetrator. It’s so interesting the levels of what we are not willing to see the truth and hide behind ‘its your fault’. So great to read this, thank you for going there.

  15. I love your emphasis on the fact that we have to look at ourselves first and foremost before we point the finger at another and what they may or may not have done that is not loving. This is the only way to get to love and harmony within a relationship.

  16. I suspect we are so inured to experiencing abuse from day to day that we just take and give abuse freely. What Serge Benhayon has done is to walk through life with not one minuscule shred of abuse to others or himself. This has given us a reflection we have not had for a long time. The love he holds himself and all others in is inspiring, it shows us there is another way to live that does not include abuse.

  17. There is only one true version of love, because half-half or a measured expression of love is not love but an arrangement! We’ve actually put things like stonewalling, swearing at our partners, arguments and other moments of abuse into this ‘half-half’ category – ‘we’re all human!’, ‘we get tired from time to time’, ‘it’s healthy to have some disputes’ are some of our arguments FOR these things, but what if these were actually completely unnecessary and harming and for our relationships to be amazing we didn’t need these instances?

  18. I could so relate to asking others to fill me up when I haven’t wanted to fill myself with love… equally imposing feeling this both ways. I just completed an Expression and Presentation workshop with Serge Benhayon and there was oodles I took away from it about expressing but what I’ve taken note of since is how a person expresses most the time guarantees the energy of the expression in return. Meaning if we talk down to someone or be sarcastic or blurt out in frustration, 9 times out of 10, unless the other person is very aware of what you’re expressing in and stays solid with themselves, then they are going to come back with the same energy and both are brought down.

  19. It is an overwhelming concept to digest initially that we are responsible for all that happens in our lives. Even the shocking horrible bits. Accepting this and then choosing to live more consciously creates a differnt focus on why we do and don’t accept abuse.

    1. When we can admit we are not only part of the abuse but that we willingly allow it, we will be on our way to arresting it and taking full responsibility for how we are living our lives.

  20. Recently I saw myself at the point of feeling rejected. It is not an uncommon feeling – it is one I have felt aplenty during my life. But this time I caught myself in the process of choosing it and actually realised that there is a calculation that goes on at that point. It is a sort of ‘how much mileage can I get out of this rejection’ consideration. I could see that the truth is, rejection comes from me first, from my choice to reject myself rather from another. In choosing to play with rejection and going into feeling like a victim I could give myself an excuse for being less than the love that I am and the responsibility that comes with it. This self-rejection has been a long-played out cycle of self-diminishment – but I am now aware that it is not something I am victim of, but something I choose – just as I can choose to be love too.

  21. Anon, what a brilliant blog about relationships and how it starts with us first with how we are with ourselves in everything we do down to the smallest of details. I totally agree with you we have all been sold a very skewed message of what love is and returning back to the love that we naturally emanate does take time as we have to peel away the layers that are not love to expose us in all the glory that we naturally are. I know this to be true because as I peel the layers away I am finding that I am quite adorable with a sweetness I never knew existed, and so the process is Wow what else will I find out about myself. And more than anything my relationship with everyone has changed completely I have far more understanding of myself and that naturally leads to others.

  22. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” We do not dare to call abuse all that is abuse and that is the problem. Because of this, we have an incomplete picture of the real abuse. That factor, on the other hand, gives us the needed leeway to choose what is abuse and what is not and to take an incident out of the bigger picture.

  23. Love is not a gift, a privilege or a right – it is in fact who we are, what we are from and our bodies native language. Everything that is not love are learnt behaviours of the human being that do not belong to the universality we are from.

  24. It is important to take full responsibility for every situation, occurrence and event for never are we an innocent bystander – there is forever learning and an end result of how we are living and the choices we have made up until that point.

  25. Any moment when we have stepped away in feeling absolute joy and connection with ourselves is a choice of abuse. To return to love, simply stop and come back to what would bring that connection back.

  26. The hardest thing is seeing that we are the ones who are responsible for the relationships we choose…because we choose to be in them. But this is where self-love comes in, the more we cherish, care and nurture ourselves the more willing we are to take a very honest look at ourselves and our relationships whilst still cherishing, caring and nurturing ourselves.

  27. The cycle of abuse is happening every day all over the world, one person is emotional or aggressive, then the next is taking this on, perhaps then being the same back, or even with someone else. Voila the cycle is on and on. We have a choice not to react, and instead respond in whatever way is appropriate.

  28. When we feel into the abuse that we have allowed in our lives, we realise that initially, it has come from ourselves for not choosing to be who we are and compromising our quality in order to fit in and play less than the power we know so well in our beingness. Taking responsibility to break this cycle is easy and is simply to be aware of what is it that we are obedient to at any moment? is it something that confirms our own divinity? or one which identifies that which we are not.?

  29. Love is actually who we are! This is the message that Serge Benhayon continually presents to us all… and whilst this message or rather these words have been said by many people to humanity… what we have here is someone who literally lives in this essence and by their extraordinary example and reflection shows us the living possibility of this statement.

  30. There’s a part of us that likes to see reaction as so justified. ‘This person did X to me, so clearly it’s not right or fair’. But what we are choosing to overlook, is the possibility that we were already lost, already calling to be attacked, and reducing ourselves to be less. So what is the cause of abuse? Who is able to stop its harming effects?Well, you show Anonymous, without doubt, it starts and ends with us.

  31. I have for the past week now been feeling like a hamster in a wheel, constant negative thoughts about a relationship in my life and how it is not where I think it should be. When relating to my relationships or myself from the mind it is very bitter and negative, relating to myself and others from my heart then everything feels much lighter. The reminder from this blog means that theres a picture about how I should be with myself that’s in the way and actually it has nothing to do with my outside of myself relationship. My body feels to be light with myself and yet the responsibility is that I have to feel the choices made to not follow this feeling of lightness. Thank you Anon.

  32. The cumulative effect of abuse can be to make you feel invisible which is such an awful feeling, We can be masterful at doing this to ourselves. I have spent many years hiding and working hard to be invisible and wonder why I feel like I am not heard.

  33. Yes, it is true anything less than love feels like abuse to the body (the silent treatment really hurts) and it is only when we express less than love towards ourselves that we will express less than lovingly to our partners. It really brings the importance of self-love and care to the forefront.

  34. Absolutely – it is our responsibility to love, nature and observe ourselves and to bring healing to all that is not true in order to bring more of us and a deeper love in nourishment of all others.

  35. Yes you definitely did bring honesty to you situation and also all of us. I know you are not alone in feeling like a victim in a relationship. I am sure we’ve all felt that from time to time, not wanting to see things for the truth and be aware that we have played a role in creating the mess we sometimes find ourselves in. Your blog is a shining example of what it means to get honest with yourself and change your life.

  36. Abuse can be like an addiction, not a pleasant one but an emotional stimulation that has highs and lows, leaving both parties drained…hence why either or both parties may say they do not want abuse but continue in the same behaviours that feed the abusive cycle nonetheless.

  37. You bring a deeper understanding to the word abuse and the reality of that. A gorgeous example of what is truly there to be acknowlegded, to not only look what seems to be abuse, but truly feel it. We might discover that it is in the slightest ways and that we are the only ones that can heal the opening where they come through. So nothing to be faulted – simply discarded

  38. Life is about being love to the best of our ability and is actually very simple but in our waywardness we have made life complex and full with complications all from not taking the responsibility to be love for ourselves first.

    1. I agree, if we chose to look after our own needs first off we wouldnt need to get this met by needing things from other people. This is a level of responsibility we have to be prepared to step into. We deserve to be connected to and loved and respected in any relationship, but be prepared and committed to carrying our own bags so to speak.

      1. Sure felicity, we have to carry our own bags, but in this I will take care that these are not too heavy or even empty, as carrying stuff with me actually does not feel good at all and only hinders me in my movements in life in general and when I am with other people.

  39. ‘So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?’ We’ve normalised and accepted abuse to the extent we don’t know we are even being abusive. And that includes self-abuse. It takes a while to break through the fog of incomprehension and old patterns and behaviours but once fully on the other side I image the view is very clear.

  40. “The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.” Yes and this is so normal and expected these days. I am starting to see more and more where I have allowed this to be in my life – everywhere – as this is what i saw growing up and its what others are used to. It shakes people up when we ask for more in relationships, when we say arrangements don’t work.

  41. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…”
    Wow this is a game changer- this should be front page news- its huge what this means, the normalcy of abuse that is ringing in my ears is deafening. I work / live / socialise in a world of abuse- hidden and subtle most of it, yet it is very real and accepted as the backdrop for many relationships. Its time this changed, and this begins with each of us saying NO to it.

  42. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” This is something most of us ignore, we want others to treat and respect us differently, but we don’t do that for ourself.

  43. A poignant reminder that abuse need not be avert or physical outplay but can be silence, neglect and any intent, gesture or movement expressed that is void of love.

  44. When we stop with ignoring the fact that we are from love and allow love to be with us in all aspects of life, not only the abuse to yourselves will stop but also the abuse to others and to society as a whole. What a difference would this make and not to imagine how our world would look like then.

  45. There are not many blogs or articles out there that bring truth like you have here. Stating that when we are in abuse or abusive situations, that there is always a part we have to own, what is it in us that is saying ‘yes’ to the abuse. That can be quite controversial to say, in that, one could ask ‘why would someone willingly stay in an abusive situation’, but the actual truth is, they are.

  46. As I rekindle an old relationship I can get caught in the fear of abuse from the past. But actually this has nothing to do with my partner and everything to do with how am I treating myself – and therefor him too. Has this fear more to do with me knowing those pockets where I am still abusive with myself? Yes. Has the fear of relationships been to do with knowing the responsibility to live lovingly within in each moment because this is what the relationship is made up of? Yes. It’s not ever about what the other person in the relationship does for me but me bringing all of me to each relationship starting with myself.

  47. A great revelation it is to understand that in living with and in abuse, we are accepting such abuse and are dishing it inwardly towards ourselves. All that we accept and live is what another receives in one form or another.

  48. How great is it actually to feel that we are imperfect and that we have done nothing wrong in our lives then.. simply learning no matter what. With this surrender to our imperfection there comes a great acceptance that we are divine – and like you shared, we can commit to it again, step by step.. being more of who we are – and in this we make a greater whole.

  49. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” – and how could we possibly even know how we want someone else to treat our body if we are not doing the same for ourself.

  50. It is self-abusive to not take responsibility for our part, no matter how another is treating us. For if we stop abusing ourselves we can truly say no to abuse from others.

  51. It is true that if we feel we are being abused in some way, and this can be physical, verbally or even ever so slightly verbal, it serves us well to look at the situation taking place from all different angles and to see what we are contributing to the situation playing out before us.

  52. The foundation of love is always first in the relationship with ourselves and from there to others, you have said it like this ‘That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.’ True change comes from a body of love.

  53. This is a great blog Anon to start a discussion about how we treat ourselves and others.
    Taking responsibility to admit that we are not always the victim of others but victims of the way we treat and care for ourselves is huge to me. And when I was able to admit that actually I am a victim of my own choices then this opened up the possibility that yes I had been irresponsible but I had a new choice, to change the way I perceived myself. By changing how I have been living by being bringing more focus to how I am with myself in everything I do, not only has changed me but also how I interact with others, so everyone benefits when we change how we treat and care for ourselves.

  54. We are so used to abusing ourselves in thought word and deed that we need a massive paradigm shift on all levels to even start to feel the connection with the essence of love

  55. It is well worth considering the subtle ways in which we abuse ourselves in daily life- our unloving thoughts, actions and words are no less harming than an abuse that comes to us from outside.

  56. Needs, whether implied or explicit, impose on another and set the scene for abuse to occur. For needs themselves have already denied the other free-will and instead demanded they be something for us or act in a certain way.

  57. Relationship is shaped by what we bring to the table and not purely by what is being served when we get there.

  58. Abuse is a two way street. In order for it to play out it first needs an instigator and a willing receiver and then the loop is complete. One plays ‘perpetrator’ and the other plays ‘victim’, while they are both run by one and the same energy. Breaking this cycle is as simple as saying no to abuse and yes to love and then making sure that choice is reflected in our every move thereafter.

  59. When abuse is constantly directed at an individual they do need to say no to it at some point but it often takes someone else to call it out for them in the beginning and then stand there beside them to break the pattern of helplessness that has been chosen.

  60. Playing victim to abuse gets us nowhere. When we are willing to take a a deeply honest look at our part in the cycle of abuse it can be much easier to step out of that cycle.

  61. This is a huge realisation for all, as we normally are good at identifying the obvious events that feel abusive but very seldom do we honestly look deeper and see how we have been abusive to ourselves first by refusing to appreciate and accept the love that we are so we continue to compromise and accept less than that in order to get through feeling safe and protected. This is all an illusion as it is only until we live from an open heart that all this can be lived.

  62. Yes, when we don’t appreciate and accept the love that we are we compromise ourselves all over the place, and in that compromising and accepting less we are holding back from the world and don’t bring what we have to bring.

  63. It is never about accepting abuse, but we do need to accept it is happening. If we do not fully accept it is happening we will take steps to ‘remove abuse from my life’ without actually bringing the responsibility we are to offer that situation.

  64. What about the ways in which we abuse ourselves on a daily basis and accept as ‘normal’, the more we are honest about the abuse towards ourselves we then begin to expose the many forms of abuse around us that we have allowed.

    1. Very true. There are so many moments I catch myself doing something out of a pattern or habit which is not honouring myself or my body at all. The more I catch these behaviours and change them the more abuse stands out and is highlighted in other areas. It 1st has to start by looking at ourselves.

  65. Wow, this is a great blog. There is much here to consider beginning with my own responsibility to nurture and be with the quality of the love inside of myself, rather than expect another to fill the void of my own lack of self love. It’s a new foundation for relationships.

    1. And if we do not choose responsibility we are choosing to manage, that is, refine that which does not work to a more sophisticated version of that which does not work.

      1. And this is how a society which is in deep distress but can champion evolution and scientific advancement is born.

  66. A beautiful sharing Anonymous, sharing a true and inspiring message that it all begins and ends with ourselves. As you have pointed out responsibility and self love reflects in our own self worth and in all other relationships.

  67. It is in my experience that you can have everything from the outside – houses, cars, children, husbands, a great life – but if I am not truly valuing and caring for myself then there is a large void I feel and try to fill with stuff that is not loving, until such point that I choose to value and appreciate myself. To do this – to actually treat myself with love, is the simplest way for me to feel everything in my body. I can then see the potential of what is there to share with others.

    1. I totally agree we can have literally everything we have ever wanted, the complete picture yet if we are not valuing and appreciating ourselves and what we have then we will not be and bring all the love that we are to everything in our lives. So then our partner, kids, friends etc..will not get or feel the love they deserve and this is where I find issues are created to fill the void that love otherwise would fill.

  68. Anon, you ask some really important questions; ‘And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?’ I have had this in relationships with people where I have focussed on their shortcomings and not looked at how I treat myself; expecting them to love and honour me more than i do myself, reading your article exposes how if we want to have a truly loving relationship with others then it needs to start with a loving relationship with ourselves first.

  69. Thank you, yes, it is so easy to look out at others and the world and blame them for our hurts, but less comfortable to actually see how we are perpetuating abuse every day by living less than the love we innately know.

  70. We can eliminate abuse from our lives by choosing to be love, by exposing abuse when it arises and by choosing to not feed into abuse with reactions or blame but by expressing with absolute love and truth.

  71. It is incredible to be in a relationship with dedication to openness, honesty, the absence of games (manipulation) and neediness as the absolute bottom line and to know that this is reciprocated.

  72. Its so true, the abuse we allow and willingly accept in relationship that we claim is part of being in a loving relationship simply cannot be if we are not allowing such abuse into our own lives and way of being with ourselves. Relationships in this way are a great outer reflection of this its just that we have got so used to accepting it as ‘love’ that we have convinced ourselves that this is our ‘duty’ and ‘role’ with being in a relationship.

  73. “The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.” Yes this is so very true about relationships, that we just expect the other person to fulfil us, this is not what a true relationship is all about.

  74. The real understanding that anything less than love is abuse changes everything and allows us the beauty and dedication to change our lives and how we are living. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!”

  75. It doesn’t truly work to say we are going to ‘own our part’ but at the same time have a disclaimer that basically says ‘but my part exists because you did this to me’. Taking full responsibility for our part is essential and the only way to truly free ourselves from a cycle of abuse.

  76. What I have become aware of lately is the subtle; and at times overt; forms of abuse I have allowed into my life. Why I have allowed this is now a journey of self discovery and responsibility.

  77. So spot on- ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ I remember saying this to other people about 4/5 years ago but they thought I was mad. The interesting thing is then I gradually started to accept less than the love in its fullness I know in my life. And before I knew it I had drifted quite a way off. So for me it really is or isn’t – all or nothing. The moment I say yes to less than love I am saying yes to everything that is not love and no longer decerning clearly.

  78. I am quickly learning that abuse starts with me. How I am with others, wether I am open or not, is a choice I make and every moment I am not open, I have first abused myself by closing the door to the love I hold within, and from there it is simply a flow on that I will abuse another for I am not responding with my love. A realisation that has begun a daily working program in halting any moment that I notice myself being guarded with or just not open to another.

  79. I have had similar realisations about abuse. The greatest harm that I have experienced has been done by myself. So many times I have not backed myself, sold out what I know is true or left myself and my connection. This feels worse than what anyone else has done. I have also realised how handy it is to blame another person for abuse. It keeps the focus away from me and I can avoid looking at my part in the relationship.

  80. It is not unitl we let go of our hurts that we stop bouncing from emotions and reactions in relationships and simply be open and holding of another in order to dispel that which is not from love.

    1. Yes if we don’t choose to let go of our hurts life becomes about survival, even if it means abusing another…

  81. It is a bit of an eye opener when we realise that we are abusing ourselves first before anyone else can – takes away the victim stance we can so easily run with.

    1. Its a stockpiling effect – worth considering the extent of self-abuse that is taking place which is often times far greater and deeper than what we are putting out.

  82. Its like a trap the bait for self is to give ones power away and once that happens we are open for abuse , in what ever form that takes . Personal abuse or attracting abuse from someone else, or even demanding abuse because one feels they desire punishment for ” selling ‘ their power away for what every ill conceived reason. To clear all abuse one needs to go back to the bait and then close the trap.

  83. It’s interesting that we get so bent out of shape stressing over what other people have done to us, but often fail to see the part we are playing in the whole drama – never are we innocent, even if we appear to be the victim.

  84. How deeply healing it is to observe and take responsibility for our own part in every interaction and expression in life for we are never innocent recipients of events – there is forever a greater learning offered to us and an opportunity for true healing.

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