323 thoughts on “The Truth about the Cycle of Abuse”

1. Beautiful Anon, sharing the beauty of relationship and the healing it offers us contstantly. What you wrote here is so powerful and true: “What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.”

2. I can really relate to believing that I was a victim of abuse from my parents growing up, however, like yourself Anon, on going deeper I realised that I was just as much to blame. I withheld my love from them, and held them ransom because of their loveless behaviour, but I can now feel that my own behaviour was abusive as well. Both of us were not willing to be the love that we are- judgement, blame, anger, resentment and manipulation/control took over. All of these negative emotions are not who we naturally are.

3. Expecting someone else to be a certain way in order for us to feel full filled is a lie and will never leave us feeling satisfied, because we know deep down that it is our responsibility to feel contentment within ourselves first and not expect someone else to do it for us. It has also become my experience that abuse comes in many forms, and on many different levels firstly with us and then from others – recently looking into the extent of what we tolerate is an eye opener.

4. I am just back from a Universal Medicine Retreat where one learning/realization was strongly felt, experienced on our way back home and it fits to this blog. The realization is: we have deals with each other. The deal is: You abuse me and so I suffer. Than I have the excuse to be not able to pull you up and call you to evolve. Deal.
   And I realized the truth of this learning on our way back home just today. I did become frustrated and angry about something my partner did and blamed him for it. I could also blamed me for it – doesn’t matter. The end result: we feel a bit separated from each other, no intimacy, no warmth. And no pull to express more, to evolve. The moment I realized how what I do (blaming him on something he did to me and feel like a victim) is ‘freeing’ me from taking responsibility – I did stop. I felt suddenly empowered. It was and is a very interesting feeling. Worth to give it a go much more.

5. I wish everyone on this planet could take such an honest look at themselves and their relationships and look to understand what true love actually is as there is so much abuse going on in the name of love and as you said anything short of love is abuse.

6. I am starting to understand that anything that is less then Love is a form of abuse that does not need to be tolerated. So when I applied it to my life, I was quite surprised what I felt I have been putting up with, not extreme levels of abuse, but many instances and situations that were very unloving. The level of that I am choosing to tolerate now are changing quite dramatically and the choice of returning to Love gets stronger and stronger.

7. The more love I have for myself , in how I care for myself, deal with my hurts and appreciate, the less the abuse is in my life, in how I am with myself and what comes from outside of me.

8. It all comes from that false idea that love is something we have to receive from the outside but in that thinking we forget that we are made of love first and that it is our responsibility to reconnect to that source ourselves instead.

9. It’s so easy to go to someone else to ‘fill up’ on what we are not willing to give to ourselves. But this leaves us empty and needy, and the demand placed on others is totally unreasonable. I know the feeling when someone does that to me – it makes me want to pull away. It is a disrespectful way to treat each other. Taking full responsibility for treating ourselves in the way we would like to be treated is a call to grow up and stop looking for love from others. If we can do this for ourselves surely this is empowering. Then we may actually have some love to share.

10. Anon, many, including myself, will relate to what you share. Looking outside of ourselves and at other people is never the way. It leads to complications, tension and much needless distress. We are the ones responsible for everything that happens to us and the lives we lead. Until we learn this we never break out of the cycle of self-abuse.

11. How supportive to have a partner that’s willing to let you know how he feels rather react and not communicate. I find that, although it may be hard to swallow at times (because so much hurt and harm is loaded in one of those looks or comments) it is a moment where we can look at what’s played out and therefore be more aware if it tries to come in again.

12. The responsibility of our thoughts, looks (glares, eye rolls) and what we say and do all play a part in what comes back to us. I still ‘think’ I can get away with a look but have to be honest and see that it is abusive. And when I’m on the receiving end of a look, it does feel awful. So there is no such thing as ‘it was just a look/thought/word/gesture’ – everything is energy and we all feel what is behind everything.

13. ‘“I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.’ A true relationship is so much more because like you say we are love and living this together is something completely different, it is pulling each other up and not slip anything into the relationship that is not of love, to become more ourselves everyday.

14. Only when we are with ourselves and in that lovingly take care for ourselves we are able to be in full in every relationship that we have and from this fullness no abuse or whatsoever will be possible, as simply we will not allow that from that fullness within..

15. Yes true Susan and we never get away with it . The energy effects us all. We need to be responsible.

16. “What I had previously focused on was what my partner ‘did wrong’ or ‘didn’t do right’ and hence, from where I was looking, it was easy to notice when he was grumpy or venting his frustration and stay stuck in the ‘he did me wrong’ victim story!” This victim story guarantees we stay small.

17. I love that you have exposed the neediness that can be present in a relationship and how due to this there is not a true expression of love but rather a manipulation of it. This is an ouch for many. It is amazing the level of abuse we can allow through the lack of love but I agree… to stop this we must first stop the abuse we are willing to treat ourselves with and replace it with nurturing, loving and honouring ourselves in full.

18. You are not alone Susan. How many of us think we can get away with abusing ourselves especially in those small ways; staying up later, or going into drive mode, rushing our movements, eating too fast or eating the wrong food are simple examples. Point is we do not get away with it when we indulge making it all about ourselves and in doing so, losing sight of the bigger picture and is good to be clear on this as our bodies have to deal with the consequences of all our choices.

19. ‘What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply, is that I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME! ‘ Love the honesty here and from that honesty this gem of a blog has been delivered…..we all have the power to change our lives at any point, and the best medicine to do this is getting honest with ourselves – this has also been my experience.

20. The cycle that is set up with abuse is like a spiral that gets out of control when we don’t notice how it grows into the monster it becomes. Expression from your partner at that time when he felt abuse from you was amazing, how he called and exposed it to bring you back on track. Knowing this and accepting the responsibility that we all have a part to play breaks the cycle of abuse. And we do have to call it out when we feel it to honour ourselves in full. Brilliant learning for everyone thank you.

21. Without honesty we are never able to acknowledge where we are truly at nor realise how far we have strayed from our true and natural essence.

22. The subjugation and acquiescing we do as women (noting this from personal experience), that then is EXPECTED by men – we have made a rod for our own backs!, is in all relationships with men (because it has become our accepted way in life) until we can know, live and hold our own power and sacredness for ourselves.

23. There have been many moments in my life where it has felt out of control, yet there always comes a moment where i can do one thing differently that then begins to change a whole dynamic.

24. It’s interesting how we often go to blame others instead of take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. We have a hand in everything we don’t like.

25. It can be a real shock to be honest about the choices we make in relationships, especially when it comes to our perception of victimhood. I can see how in my experience it has also been deeply empowering to understand why I had chosen certain dynamics in relationships, there is power in understanding our choices.

26. Your last paragraph thanking Serge Benhayon about his expression of true love for others really sums it up for me, as an ” unwavering place of total self-responsibility”. This really highlights the needs, expectations, games, self neglect and falsities we carry about love and relationships. Instead we can be in a place of self responsibility connected to and living from the essence of love we are within.

27. I realised to break the cycle of abuse requires us to be honest and willing to take responsibility for the part we play. Blaming our situation, being identified as a victim role or blaming the people we are with only feeds the abuse. It is when we choose to say ‘no’ to any form of abuse big or small from ourselves or from others that we can start to break this cycle of abuse. And choosing to stand up for truth no matter what is a huge part of supporting us to expose the many and insidious forms of abuse.

28. ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’ and without accepting this it is easy to remain in the ‘blame game’ – and assume everyone else in the world are the ones with the issues (that we are digging our heels in and trying to avoid looking at).

29. Quite often it seems as though we do clock the abuse we are involved with, but rarely look at the part we play, and what we are contributing. To look at someone in a certain way these days is rarely seen as abusive but it is, along with the tone in which we talk to each other or even the odd dismissive comment may not be taken as serious or even considered abusive, but it is and it hurts when we do that to each other.

30. When it comes to abuse I feel this can be a really sensitive issue but appreciate your honesty and reflection in the seeing the part you have played in this. Something that is not that easy to do and I feel takes great self-love and honesty to be able to see. Also with abuse there should be ‘no line in the sand’ drawn. Abuse is abuse whether extreme or not it is as simple as that; the fact is why do we give it or accept it?“ Is it because of our lack of self-worth or self-esteem, not feeling we have the ability to say no, wanting to be loved or recognised, wanting to be accepted or because we haven’t healed anger, sadness, frustration, rejection, resentment or hurts from the past so this carries on in all our relationships. As you said, exactly what ‘need’ are we filling ‘I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” You are also right in saying every single one of us each has a responsibility in healing these hurts and Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are the only body/organisation I know that have truly, and I mean truly, helped hundreds if not thousands of people heal the deep seated root cause of these issues. I am sure from what have seen, and reflected on along with your willingness to change your relationship with your partner can now expand to a truth and love you have not yet had. Amazing.

31. You have captured a cycle of abuse that so many relationships get into. Love is actually who we are and taking responsibility for saying how we feel and looking after ourselves are basic things that are needed to honour oneself – it is amazing how far we can drift from these fundamentals.

32. Love is actually who we are! And as we discover more of who we are, the love deepens and expands, bringing awareness of more subtle forms of abuse, giving us the opportunity to let go of this less obvious abuse and to deepen and expand further the love that we are.

33. Self abuse occurs anytime we do not honour ourselves, our bodies and feelings. It makes sense that as soon as we do override these we can create an opening for other’s abuse towards us to occur.

34. Where does this Love end and the abuse begin? For a while I’ve seen the disharmony in the things I do or words I’ve said. But today I’m feeling strongly that it starts way before that. Anytime I’m disconnected and distracted it’s effectively opens the door for these things to happen that are not true. Like a burgulary that repeatedly occurs, your words Anon have helped me identify exactly how and why the theft takes place. So I can see what to seal and correct to ensure the future is secure and bright.

35. I agree there is no victim, nor perpetrator when it comes to abuse. At the first sniff of abuse you have a choice to walk away from the situation and not allow abuse. It is always a choice. No different to how we abuse our self. We can choose not to allow in those abusive thoughts, feed them, indulge in them, run with them, until we think that is who we are. When it is not.

36. If we stop and consider what you present here Anonymous, it is truly huge. For your personal realisation seeps into politics, race, gender and wars. How many situations in life are full of discord, yet have we truly settled the discord in ourselves, or are these incidents and events just a mirror to the truth – that it was us who first chose to abuse?

37. You are right Anon, when it comes to whether we are abusive or not, every moment matters – every gesture, every word, tone of voice, movement, choice we make regarding others and ourselves. Abuse is not just about the glaringly obvious instances of domestic violence or other forms of harshness that happen ‘out there’. Abuse happens all the time – we just haven’t had an awareness of it at the personal, micro level, which is why we don’t clock it as it gets larger… unless an extreme is involved.

38. Wow… I totally agree… I’ve been in a similar situation and in retrospect I believe that I have ALLOWED myself to be treated that way. I’ve since then acknowledged my worth and learnt how I deserve to be treated. It made a huge difference. Thanks for sharing 🙂

39. The more we love, respect and honour ourselves the less likely abuse is to come to us. Therefore it is imperative we teach our young the value of self love and respecting their own bodies. If we teach this and set the foundation for a child to feel secure and solid in who they are abuse will eventually cease to exist.

40. When we start working on self care and self love we naturally also being to work on abuse. It then becomes clear that it (abuse) comes in many guises, on a scale of being glaringly obvious to the more sophisticated dressed up as being less obvious and more acceptable.

41. We have many more choices that we think, and we make many more choices than we are aware of. I may think that not eating a healthy dinner wasn’t a choice as I was in a restaurant with friends, but it is still a choice, and there is always an opportunity to choose lovingly.

42. A cool part of this painful cycle is to look at precisely why the abuse we experience turns up in our life. As you show Anonymous each incident is not an accident or a mistake by any means but a helping hand to help us expand in some way. It’s ironic how learning to see the bigger picture of life leads us to understand life really is ‘all about us’ and the things that we choose.

43. This is a beautiful call to even deeper levels of honesty and responsibility. Thank you, Adam.

44. Realising we are in the driving seats of our lives and that the way we treat ourselves is the blueprint for the way things unfold is incredibly empowering. And yes, not for a moment of self criticism but for the understanding of the way forward. Thank you for this inspiring article.

45. Abuse is all around. And as Anonymous attests, it starts with us. The good news is, love is all around too. It’s then up to us what we choose.

46. Internal frustrations or anger that spill out to another are a sign of something within us needing attention. None of us would ever intentionally want to hurt a loved one, and so the responsibility to address those issues lies with us, and is never about the other.

47. For a long time, I too focussed on what was wrong with my partners – they weren’t doing what I expected, or were doing something I didn’t like, etc, etc. It was a big distraction away from taking responsibility for what I needed to heal…the hurts I was carrying. Now, if I ever go to blame someone else, I usually catch myself and look at my part of the situation. It is a complete game changer.

48. ” So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?” It a good question to continue to ponder as everything is evolving, we are being offered opportunities to deepen our self love with every choice and every movement.

49. How very empowering it is to cease perceiving ourselves as a victim and to ask ‘what is my part in this?’ instead. In my experience, not having enough love and appreciation for myself meant that I was not willing to be clear about appropriate boundaries in relationships. I sold myself a story that I deserved an abusive situation, no doubt based on some age-old religious belief in my sinful nature. Couple that with the need to forgive the perpetrator and it is not difficult to fall into a cycle of abuse. Not that it is about blaming others either – but for me it is about understanding. Understanding the hurts we carry that support our victim/perpetrator mentality. And understanding that it is our responsibility to have enough love for ourselves, heal our hurts and say no to abuse, which is surely a healing for both parties.

50. When I read your questions what could be abusive I stopped with this one ‘The silent treatment?’ No question mark for me as every cell in my body knows how abusive this is, I have experienced it as a child and I have done it myself to others lots of times. It were times when I chose to lock myself up with the idea I did not know how to express what I felt but at the same time very aware that I punished both myself and the other. Nowadays I can see how much pride and manipulation was involved, not healing my own hurts. Choosing to love myself has turned this all around and has changed my relationships with everyone.

51. Anon your blog has offered me a huge amount of healing today. I have just begun to see the extent to which I have allowed and even encouraged the most horrendous abuse towards myself and yes I can see that I allowed it all because I was not willing to truly love myself, I wanted anyone and everyone else to do it for me. When I live in a truly loving way those that seek to abuse run for the hills because there is no opening for their brand of harm to enter.

52. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…” This might sound like a grand statement or an interesting philosophical position, but anytime I read this blog Anonymous I find life shows me that there is no leeway, no down time, no part of life we can turn a blind eye to. For when we do, what follows is more of the same, only it builds in intensity and blame. We often turn around and decry others and the situation we find ourselves in, but boy oh boy – the abuse only comes because we accept it shrug our shoulder and say ‘oh well’.

53. When we can look beyond a particular situation, or reaction we get an opportunity to see so much more of what is going on. Our perspective changes and the patterns of behaviour that run through our lives become obvious.. and that is where the opportunity for true change and to choose something different presents itself.

54. It is very liberating to become aware that in one form or another we choose to be in abusive relationships. This brings the honesty that the first abusive relationship that we choose is the one that we have with ourselves. When we are abusive towards ourselves we cannot help but be abusive towards others. Learning to deeply love and cherish ourselves is the answer to ending abuse and this we have every right to choose for ourselves.

55. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse”; this for me feels quite freeing as it puts the onus, responsibility and choice, for the way my life is, back to me. Freeing and challenging!

56. You broaden the awareness of what abuse is and where it is hidden or existing where we have not looked before. In such areas as our own body, how much self-neglect is there and what is this doing with our bodies. Then we come to more of the roots of where we allow abuse in our lives so we can heal ourselves and love ourselves back again.

57. There is always a deeper level of care we can go to, which means that what may have been okay before, may well be considered abusive into the future.

58. Beautiful Anon, our world is full of theories and essays on who is to blame, and even in our everyday lives there’s a palpable sense of how ‘everything would be alright if it wasn’t for other people’. Your words cut all that down and make it so clear the beauty and loveliness of our life starts and ends with how much we honour our light.

59. It is a very humbling moment when we realise we are not victims of life but full players in the outplay. It requires an appreciation of the deeper level upon which we interact – on the energetic level, where things are set up. As we become more self-aware and more honest with ourselves it is possible to feel these energetic interactions that precede events. We have much to learn (or remember) about how energy plays out in our relationships and in our world and it is a level of understanding that will transform our interactions with each other.

60. This is a great call exposing the amount of abuse in relationships which start from the abuse we have with ourselves firstly and how it all plays out. “This has been a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts in me and acknowledging how those hurts translate into non-loving expressions, blaming others and behaviours within my relationships.” This is a revelatory blog on the basis of abuse in our lives and our relationships offering a true reflection and change from honesty and healing.

61. How amazing is that! Our responsibility actually is to deeply care for our bodies and ourselves all the time, so we have a healthy, vital body that can accept love from another person. Also so we don’t feel resentful when the other takes time for themselves because we are deeply cared for. This would turn many relationships around.

62. ‘So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself? Have I listened deeply to what my body truly wants?’ – an essential communication to have and to live.

63. We can hear the words ‘self love’ a million times but it will mean nothing to us until we are willing to let go of our hurts and realise that only we can bring the love to ourselves that we have longed for all our lives. And once we do, we can accept that it was there all along inside us and how precious we truly are.

    1. Very true Janet, and this can bring a huge amount of joy that we are otherwise missing out on.

64. Both victim and aggressor are run by one and the same energy that seeks to annihilate the expression of our love.

65. We cannot accept something unless we first live it. This is true of both love and abuse.

    1. A big revelation just in one line. Thank you Liane.

66. To share your understanding that abuse starts within oneself first, and to write it in full responsibility of this, is very healing on many levels

67. Well said Kate. Reactions are abusive.

68. Once we start recognising the things, habits, behaviours that are abusive, and then calling it out and saying no to it, this then creates a new platform of what we allow and don’t allow in the form of that abuse. Then what we define as ‘abuse’ changes, until this cycle repeats again… and again… Certainly what constitutes abuse to one person has a different definition to another.

69. Abuse can mean so many things to many different people, what we have gotten used to and what we call abuse changes over time, we either accept deeper layers of abuse, making the former abuse no longer abusive or find ways to break the cycle and find subtler ways that we abuse ourselves and others, until all we are left with is our precious, sensitive selves…

    1. Yes, Joel abuse can mean so many different things to so many different people, well said. It’s so important to break through these ideas and get to the truth of what it is, which like you said, brings us back to our precious, sensitive selves.

70. It’s so lovely to meet another from that place of knowing that you are love and holding them with that love. Then there is nothing in the way, only two equally divine beings, enjoying moments together in love.

71. It is life-changing when we take responsibility for addressing the hurts from the past that we keep replaying in the here and now, as it frees us up to be fully present and free to choose the quality of our movements and be our naturally loving selves in relationship.

72. We are the servants of love which is our purpose in life and nothing else. Everything that wavers from that we can say is a way of abuse, as it is not adhering to our purpose and to the beings we are.

73. It is apparent to see that the type of relationship we have with another is a reflection and insight to the type of relationship we have with ourselves.

74. ‘When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation. – Ouch! This is very exposing for me as there is no doubt I have done things for people only to expect things in return – but in that is no love or support – and anything that is not that is abuse. It is huge to talk about how subtle abuse is and how we seem to put up with it most days – but we can bring it back to what truly feels loving.

75. It is very true I think that we often train others how to treat us by the way we hold or cherish ourselves or not.

76. Something I have learnt this year is that even the simple fact of taking someone for granted and not fully appreciating them is abuse. It has been and still is a massive learning. Sonething I know is that anything less than love is abuse.

77. it is a deeply freeing process to bring complete honesty to the best of our ability to the part we have played in an abuse cycle – it is not a judgement but in fact affords us a great insight into the contracts we have made to stay in a way of living that suits us – be it to stay small, to hide, not shine, keep it comfortable, or resist a greater truth that is being offered to us. To accept our part is the first steps towards returning to the responsibility we have once relinquished, and also the freedom and joy that comes with it..

78. Working with women who have experienced domestic abuse and through my own past experience of feeling a victim I am aware that we heal better when we drop the resentment and blame. Staying in victim energy just perpetuates the cycle.

79. Victimising one’s self is almost, if not as harmful as the directed abuse.

80. It is fascinating how we can so easily go to blaming another for woes rather than stopping to see our role in what has happened and thus taking responsibility. Blaming others does not change anything. We are given an opportunity to learn in each and every moment and the more we embrace what we are being offered the more love we will naturally be. Very simple yet revealingly challenging when we have to accept we are responsible for what is or has happened to us or atleast had a part to play in it.

81. This blog needs to be shared far and wide, so that we all are reminded of what true care for ourselves actually is and can start saying no to anything that is less than love in our lives.

82. It is a huge point when we know that we are choosing the abusive relationships, and then can recognise in ourselves how that plays out with us first – how amazing are relationships that can show us so much, and constantly reflecting back to us what we can change and also as a confirmation.

83. ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ Reading this I felt an ouch as I realise I still have a way to go in making each moment in my day about love. Great to read this morning and feel the simple choice to make all of my day about love.

84. ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ Love is our one and only true measure. Everything must come firstly from the point of Love.

85. It has been a giant learning for me to look at how I have behaved in relationships and how most of the criticism and judgements have come from me. It is such an eye opener and makes me feel very humble now, learning and re-imprinting how to be in relationships with love. I know I can still revert into old patterns occasionally, so there is ongoing development here maintaining my awareness. This blog helps enormously to, thank you.

86. “We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! We have been told that love is something reserved for a particular person or group of people whom we hold above all else.”
    Totally agree Anon, it is totally skewed, what about Valentines day….if we were to live the love we know we are then this celebration would be a culmination of everything you had lived up until this moment, a celebration of our unified fullness. Yet so rarely is this the case, for this one day offering has become a moment to fix or elastoplast the hurts and reactions that play out in our day to day lives, only for it all to roll out again the next day!

87. Watching myself, its fascinating to observe how I have invited criticism in from others close to me because of my own holding back and not claiming with authority what I feel is right for me. By having the window of self-doubt, being tentative, or thinking I am wrong I leave a big barn door well and truly open to get smashed or seemingly picked on by another. In truth being picked on by another can only happen if I allow it.

88. I agree we need to bring our all to every relationship, particularly our more intimate relationships, then the other immediately knows what they are in for and wether this is the type of relationship they want. I went on a date with a man a while ago, he was a gorgeous man, but I could feel he wanted a woman to retire with, I did not hold back on who I was and were I was going with my future and it was very obvious after the first date that even though we were 2 beautiful people we were heading in very different directions. It was easy then to acknowledge this to each other and move on with no hurt feelings.

89. Thanks anon, this was an awesome reminder – how can we expect others to live us if we can’t even be bothered to do it ourselves… Brilliantly simple!

90. The thing is – if we don’t deal with this stuff right now, it just comes round again to bite us on the bum (harder than it did the last time). So, best to roll our sleeves up, get real, get honest and face this stuff. Without judgement – that part is key – judgement is a last minute get-out-clause that the spirit throws in as a desperate attempt at not being fully exposed.

91. Blaming others is a big distraction from really being honest about and healing our own hurts and reactions to life. When we make it the other person’s fault then we don’t have to look at any choices that we are making which only serves to hold us back. It’s not that we are to accept or condone abuse but to stay open to seeing and feeling what there is for us to learn about any situation.

92. Being prepared to see our reflection and to then make any changes that are being called for is the ultimate in responsible self-parenting; something that I am learning every day. When that refection comes from your partner it can be often be particularly raw and exposing – but if your commitment is primarily to evolution – then we can take anything that is shown to us. It’s all about getting self out of the way.

93. There is much we can learn about ourselves from any realtionship we have with another person, whether they are a partner, family member, friend or work colleague, when we are willing to be open and honest with ourselves and each other. The ‘blame game’ is all too easy to get caught up in and a great excuse to not take responsibility for the part we have to play in any given situation.

94. Hear hear. Getting real and raw like this inspires and shows others that it’s okay, none of us are perfect, but that there is always room for us to make loving changes for ourselves.

95. Your honesty and openness here will inspire others, myself included. I don’t feel you’re beating yourself up, but rather taking a good look in the mirror. How can we expect to change if we can’t be real and raw with ourselves. Thank you for the sharing.

96. Once we stop and take stock of our behaviours we begin to reveal the patterns of abuse that have been going on. Like you Anon I focussed on the other persons short comings – and forgot to look at myself. As I begin to build a closer relationship with me I can look at myself in a more kindly light – seeing the imperfections and also appreciating the changes I have made to become more self loving.

97. ‘The understanding that I am coming to is that to truly heal and put this cycle of abuse to rest, Once and For All, we must deeply and honestly look into how we are and have been, firstly with ourselves.’ – A significant statement, taking full responsibility for our actions both physically and energetically is a real game changer.

98. My partner and I did find out that we sometimes have a good understanding about what is going on with the other, by reading the energy, but not such a good expression in the way we offer change. And thats because we do not want to change first. ‘If you would…than I could…’ is a no-go now. First look at ourselves if there is something going on we do not like. I have to ask myself: how did it come that far? What did I do to support it? Than: change my part of being / expressing and see what happens. The situation and relationship will change naturally, of course as I brought in a change.

99. Relationships and abuse really are coming up to be looked at and seen with the enormous amount of abuse harm and blame in the world that we all subscribe to. By taking responsibility for our own relationship with ourselves and the way we treat ourselves and living the love we are is the first way to begin to call out the abuse we live with as normal and accept. Blaming others is the easiest way to not look at our own responsibility and this is a great blog sharing the truth about what is really going on and how we can make changes and create loving relationships and bring a halt to abuse wherever we are.

100. Our situation in life is always a reflection of our internal relationship, ie. our relationship with ourself. When we accept nothing less than love for ourselves, then the world will reflect this back to us through our relationships.

101. Having people around us who reflect the truth is a blessing. We sometimes don’t like hearing it, but it gives us the opportunity to stop and consider what patterns are at play.

     1. I agree Debra, stop moments are gold and an opportunity to reflect on what is going on.

102. We have totally normalised accepting less than love to the point that we have accepted domestic violence rates that are through the roof.

103. Aaaah ever since I read this blog Anonymous, my life keeps presenting relentlessly situations where I react and go into blaming someone else. Yet the beautiful thing is I can no longer indulge in the idea I am having it ‘done to me’, now I simply have to face and take my responsibility. Sometimes it has taken me longer than others to get real, but ultimately, in the end I return to the true facts. So thank you from all of me for your brilliant honesty.

104. “So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way…” – quite Anon, and in other words – ‘starting how we mean to go on’ for that’s what returns to us.

105. And we don’t ever get to a point of that is it, I have reached awareness because there is always more. Always more to be aware of and to understand.

106. All of our hurts are with us, and they don’t just get left behind in 2016 or the year before if we don’t deal with them and the thing is, they don’t just hurt us, but they affect the way we are with everyone else so in effect they hurt everyone. When I look at it like this, I realise how important it is to express and communicate with those around me and work through any hurts so that I don’t carry and hold onto them.

     1. So true Rosie. Over the years I have found that although dealing and feeling my hurts has felt intense at times, it has allowed something that is not me to release, made more room for confirming who I am and I feel a greater clarity in my body daily, no longer carrying around the dead weight of hurts.

        1. Sure thing, those dead weights of hurts are huge to carry.

107. Very true Paula, we don’t like to think that we are a part of the abuse we see playing out in the world, but as you say if we have not addressed the abuse in our own lives we are adding to the pool of abuse. How we care for ourselves, the way we speak to ourselves, the choices we make in life everyday are all either loving or not.

108. It is amazing when we consider our own responsibility in the reflection we get in relationships. I have had relationships where I have felt wronged or a victim,,,when I started considering my role I in them and my responsibility, this empowerment and freedom began to unfold.

     1. It’s interesting to reflect on the roles we play in relationships. Either giving our power away to another or being the dominant one. When we each take responsibility for how we are, standing for truth, respecting others voices and how we express there is a lovely equal feeling in relationships.

     2. Getting out of the victim mindset is both very liberating and also then delivers to us our responsibility. That is what playing the victim is all about – avoiding that responsibility.

        1. Well said Otto, playing the victim mode changes nothing and stops you from taking responsibility. In fact it buries you deeper and further away from the love that you are.

109. Such a loving and gentle question to ask ourselves ” How am I treating myself today”? How is my self talk, is it possible that there is a harshness that it could manifest physically there would be marks on my body? This is a powerful question to very lovingly present to ourselves. And with no harshness or further mental flogging how do I respond to others, is there anything less that gentle honouring in my thoughts, intentions and actions?

     1. Reflecting and being aware about our self talk is an indicator to how we have been treating ourselves.

110. Thank you for your honesty Anon, it is we that stop the cycle of abuse in its tracks when we live with such responsibility for our part. This is truly loving. “We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…”

111. Anon, we all play a part in everything. The key is to be open to seeing this and open to the learning that comes with each situation, like you have here. In every relationship we play a part as does the other, so there is only a victim when we play that. Beautiful to read how you have self-empowered and grown with your own willingness to do so!

112. I can strongly feel what you share about our misinterpretation of love and how this relates to abuse. How many people remain in a physically abusive relationship because they ‘love’ their partner?
     There is no love in abuse, and as you share, ‘anything less than LOVE is actually abuse’. Needy love is abuse, self-sacrifice or selflessness is abuse. Thank you for exposing the games we allow to play out in the ‘name of love’, which actually hold no love whatsoever.

113. Great sharing Anon, ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’. . . . this is a very important point as what life reflects back to us is always an opportunity to learn and grow. Blame is a cop out. It is a shirking of the responsibility we have to read the situation and understand our part in it and where our learning lies. And we are never too young for this my grandchildren and always asked to look at their part in every situation, We need to blow blame out of the water if we are serious about healing our hurts and committing to life.

114. I also felt to add that I speak to a number of men about domestic abuse and each one of them share that if words could visibly be seen on the body then the statistics for domestic violence would be a clearer picture of the level of abuse within relationships. The weight would sadly sit with men being the majority perpetrators, however there is whole new conversation to be had and so much to be worked on in our relationships with ourselves to take responsibility for what we bring in relationships.

115. It really takes a moment to stop and consider the level of responsibility we bring to our relationships and the consequences of that responsibility or, dare I say it, irresponsibility. To ask another to do for you what you are not prepared to do for yourself is an imposition and a burden in the relationship. I put both hands up and probably both feet too – I have been there and done that and there is a possibility that I am still doing things I am not aware of yet. Yet the moment I become aware of it – thank you Universal Medicine for bringing the awareness of this level of responsibility into my life – I decided to take ownership of my own do-dos and not impose that on others in my life. The difference was enormous. I know I still fall back but when I do I am quick to feel the yuk and the manipulation and try very hard to own the responsibility, my relationships now have far more potential for growth and a much deeper level of love and support for each other.

     1. Beautifully said Lucy – I too have been and still at times am needy or imposing in some way in relationships – and so this is the learning and the opportunity to be aware and grow and take full responsibility for myself on all levels. I too got a far greater understanding of relationships and the dynamics that can happen when I encountered the teachings of Universal Medicine, and I am so deeply thankful for coming across this and being open to putting it into practice for my life – and as a result my relationships have certainly transformed beautifully.

116. I agree Katie, it makes all the difference when we are willing to see our own contribution to the relationship and fully acknowledge what we see.

117. Thank you, Anon, for being so honest in exposing the deals we make with each other to avoid having to face our loveless choices. To be open to addressing our unresolved needs and attachments is a great leap towards truly loving relationships.

118. True gillrandall the inner settlement and self awareness that is built by claiming all aspects of our accountability is grand indeed.

119. “I have discovered a cyclical pattern within our relationship that feels very old and very familiar!”
     It strikes me how familiar I am with the movements of these cyclical patterns and how counter it feels to the potential simplicity on offer when we don’t choose it.

120. The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…this is a huge and very true statement Anon, one that we conveniently like to ignore if it means we can get what we want. The only thing is, everyone is suffering and paying the price for our deceit.

121. If we loved ourselves we wouldn’t be in abusive relationships.

     1. Big ouch in that statement Gyl. Very true, so many are unaware of what it is to love ourselves and instead work on the outside to bring that love.

        1. I know I do and have done all this lifetime if not more, I can look in the most ridiculous of places, which is so damaging and detrimental to our health, light, that innermost centre, part of us, inside we know is so full of love, complete and whole, it’s like, and we do diminish ourselves and chip away out our power, strength and innate knowing, every time we do this – this is a very old pattern I am changing and working on.

122. In a Loveless world, abuse has become the new normal and when left unchecked grows like a cancer!

123. I do remember a critical moment when I realised that I was creating the reality of the abusive relationships I was part of and how on one level I was really unsure of how I would do life without my ‘victim’ status, like who was I without this identification. However there was another part of me, silently supporting, that knew there was another way to relate, and that it started with me building a respectful, valuing relationship with myself. Whilst it has been incredibly exposing at times to let go of the identification layers I held, however damaging and destructive they were, there was always a sense of a transformation beyond my understanding taking place. This article is confirmation of this – the ongoing nature of our responsibility and unfolding – and huge appreciation for how far I have come. Thank you.

124. It makes a huge difference when we stop seeing ourselves as victims and can take responsibility for everything that happens in our lives. Life is always presenting us with reflections of how we are living, and these reflections are there for us to learn from if we so choose.

125. There is so much abuse that goes on around the world yet as you say it can be easy to look outside at this, to want to fix everything yet the real key that you share and I’ve learnt since attending Universal Medicine events is that it is us who abuse ourselves first and only when we heal our abuse can we then reflect to the world that abuse is not the way forward.

126. A truly brilliant blog here anonymous. If at any time we believe the problems we experience to be about other people we are truly lost in the maze of blame. This maze is endlesss and always has us chasing and looking at shadows just around the corner when all the time the true ‘way out’ lives right inside you and I.

127. When we are experiencing a situation which is abusive or is not loving it is easy to look at others and blame/criticise, but as you have shared with all things we can choose to look at ourselves and our own responsibility in what is going on.

128. “The fact is that anything less than love is abuse”. Yes and to know love we have to live love and the more we live love the more we get to know what love truly is and it is never stagnant or for just one. You can’t dole out love, for love doesn’t come in bits.

129. I know for myself, from past choices and ways of being with partners, my favourite go to was, blaming them. When I feel into this now, I can feel how that cycle has no end, it just keeps cycling on itself and you just go deeper into your emptiness, and can never feel enough. Choosing to start loving myself was my first true step into responsibility and back to myself.

130. The refinement of putting a stop to abuse is like continuously ‘halving a half’…. It may become smaller and smaller but as self care and self love deepen, one gradually becomes aware that something that counters this is self abuse.

131. I love the point that is being made here about the fact that we are love and we come from love therefore we have a responsibility to live that love in every moment. If we are being not love, that is, we are being abusive then we have a responsibility to do something about it. This to me is hugely inspiring as it puts the responsibility back onto me rather than blaming others for my situation in life. Blame never has and never will support anyone to heal but taking responsibility will.

132. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!” – everything being about quality as you share Anon, and if this were the case, then the cycle of abuse in relationship with oneself, and hence another, would clear. Your statement offers understanding, with the knowing that when we’re on the receiving end of abuse, of any kind, that the person is in abuse with themselves [to create the reaction towards us that we can get hurt by], and equally provides great reflection for us too.

133. We like to think that abuse begins with another, when the truth is that everything we experience begins with self first.

134. I think many could relate to this, of not fully honouring our own needs and then expecting others too in some way or another- this in itself is abuse. Abuse of yourself first and then the imposition on others is abuse. If there is any abuse towards ourselves this then will be prevalent in some way in our relationships.

135. I love your honesty in seeing the part you are playing in the relationship that is abusive and willing to change this. Not many people currently do this, it is instead far easier to point the finger and blame the other person. This is also really mothering energy which will change the dynamics of the relationship even more to something that is quite insidious “You need me to care for you, because you aren’t capable of doing it for yourself!”

     1. Can we change ‘mothering’ to ‘smothering’?! ‘Cos true mothering is about taking responsibility and inspiring others to do the same.

136. Anon thank you for a clear description of abuse, it puts the responsibility squarely back in our court to look at the self abuse we are not addressing and where we are not holding a deep loving and caring relationship within ourselves first.

137. The set up to look outside of ourselves for the reasons why something happens is pretty systemic in and throughout how people are living. It is an amazing moment to relise that this is simply a choice. Much starts to shift when responsibility of why something happens is taken from the perspective of asking ‘what is my part in this’? This has been true for me, and this was the point when I really started to appreciate why things happen and understand them and not contract, dismiss or numb myself not to feel them, point the finger and lay blame.

138. It’s so true. If we don’t treat ourselves with love and respect how can we expect others to do so? It just doesn’t work that way.

139. What your sharing here is pretty huge, opening up a conversation about the abuse we allow – how we abuse ourselves and others and how this sets the bar for what often then is directed at us.

140. Anon, you offer the read so much to think about. Today I was struck by this line “I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!” and by the sheer arrogance of this. I know it because I have done and it and in some ways still continue to do it. We are so often not prepared to do something for ourselves, so we place this expectation on others (usually without consultation) and then get frustrated when they don’t meet it. Responsibility is the new black. And taking it for all parts of our lives. Note to self as well 🙂

141. Communicating from a loving intention with space for the one(s) we’re talking to feels honouring of both (all). It is honest and confirming. Being silent is also an insult on the space you’re in and affecting others too. Our ultimate responsibility is to be with our love and communicate from that loving place within us. I’ve found that this takes time and commitment to connect to and to live.

142. Reading this reminds me of all the effort I’ve put/ I put into making the ‘world a better place’ when actually what’s being called for is me loving me everyday tenderly, allowing myself the space to observe the world.

143. This blog is so fitting for me at the moment Anon, thank you. When there is no self love within we can not truly love another.

144. We have forgotten what to be in a loving relationship truly is. The first time I was asked did I love myself and how am I loving towards myself I actually had no idea and realised I was using the marker of how I was treated by others as my marker of love. This marker kept changing depending on who I was with and how attached or invested I was in that relationship. Now, having a greater understanding of what being in a truly loving relationship with self is and observing the world, the ensuing chaos and turmoil is more understandable because many are seeking a loving relationship by not looking inward first but always searching outside of themselves. What a great blog highlighting how a return to what is true is a return to having a loving relationship with self first.

145. There is so much to this cycle of abuse that I find it so ingrained it is like it has been the only choice to make. That in itself states how much I have chosen to not be loving, tender, and caring with myself and accept this always. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” Thank you Anon for clearly in detail showing us and proving we a have choice to have no abuse in our life.

146. I often wonder about the link between withholding love and then the action of abuse, abuse is not always so obvious as physical violence.

147. I love how you started this blog, wanting to blame and then getting real honest and seeing your part in it. It is something that I am becoming more and more aware of all the time, even though sometimes it is quite confronting to see my part in it all!

148. “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse.” – that is responsibility when we can see that whatever we are on the receiving end of actually starts with us first.

149. It can be so easy to get bogged down in the ‘not so good’ and the critique in our relationships. Sure, there is plenty to develop – we need to see everything – but we can only do that from the foundation of appreciation, and the most gorgeous opportunity there is to evolve together.

150. Thank you Anon for your honest account. This is such a classic ‘So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.’

     1. And the power of being honest about this, rather than shutting off our responsibility and pointing fingers, is super huge.

151. What amazing opportunites we are given with every person we meet in our lives. We can either choose to see difficult or uncomfortable situations as being exactly that, and either dismiss them or indulge in how hurt we are by them, or we can see them as a way of learning something more about oursleves and how we are when we interact with others. I am finding this hugely supportive as people tell me things that I do or how I am that I am not aware of. By bringing this to my awareness I am able to make a change. But if I do not know, I will not change, therefore engraining my patterns of behaviour and hurts even more deeply in my body which ultimatley could become some sort of physical problem. The difference for me now with this, is that most of the time when I am told something of this nature, I no longer react which is what enables me to see what is being offered as an opportunity to change it.

152. “Anything less than love is abuse”. This is such a powerful statement and one I can relate to so well. I can feel the abuse in my body when I am not living in loving way with myself or my partner. I can feel how i load my reactions onto my partner and the damage this does to both of us. My awareness and deeper understanding of how this was playing out has healed this for both of us. a great sharing- thank you.

153. I very much know this feeling of emptiness and the expectation that someone on the outside has to fill it up for me and I used to be very demanding too. However I learned that nobody else can fulfil me but myself and that it is the greatest gift to myself as it feels so yummy.

154. Yes, this willingness to share so openly, respectfully and honestly is an incredible opportunity for all those that read this article to be inspired to do the same.

155. I love this open and honest sharing Anon. While it is easy to understand what constitutes physical abuse in a relationship, you have shone the light on the need for us to take responsibility for truly loving and honouring ourselves first and not expecting our needs to be met by others.

156. As someone who has only recently spoken up about abuse that has happened to me, it makes me see the role I played in this, and how I was part of this abuse by the state of how I was living. It does not excuse the other person, but it also does not allow me to dwell in the excuse of being a victim and rather to see that at each moment I am responsible for how I am choosing to live and what will ultimately contribute to me being in a situation of abuse or not.

157. This is a beautiful, inspiring, world changing article… one that opens us up to the level of dysfunction in our relationships and invites us to consider our responsibility and the changes that occur when we embrace it.

158. The unspoken blame or judgment against another is even more insidious than that expressed vocally and also those accompanied by physical abuse. Once the thought is there the energy is forcefully directed towards its recipient but is hidden. This is happening all the time between people, whatever the relationship, and because it grows inside unexpressed, is so much more difficult to address and clear. Becoming aware of those reactive thoughts and taking time to pause and acknowledge their existence is the first step towards owning how we are responsible for the disharmony we create in any relationship.

159. To be aware of the bigger picture regarding Love and to know it is who we are in essence, is the beginning of true healing – it exposes the big difference between what the majority of people perceive as love, when in fact it is actually emotional love, which is full of blame, irresponsibility and highly manipulative in order to meet our own needs. This always leaves us hungry for another ‘top up’ from outside of us.
     “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse….
     But the truth is…Love is actually who we are!”

160. ‘hurts translate into non-loving expressions’, I haven’t heard it put this way before Alexis, but hearing it in this way absolutely makes sense, thank-you.
     There’s nothing like being reminded over and over, that until we deal with our hurts we will never be truly loving, both towards ourselves and towards others. One way for me to deal with my hurts is to begin to be honest with myself, that way I can start to be honest with others, and so the healing of all of us begins.

161. I have played the blame game too Anon, and of course, relationships like this work for a while, but ultimately they fail because no-one is being true to themselves, both those that express abusively and those that accept it, believing that this is the way that relationships are. There is absolutely no one that is a victim, we only choose to be, so thank you for the reflection that we do not have to suffer at the hands of abuse, whether it be from another or directed towards ourselves, and all we have to do is to lovingly call it out and expose it for healing to take place.

162. Absolutely Alexis. I experienced this today, expressing in a way that was non-loving to someone very dear to me. I recognised straight away that the way I expressed was far from loving, I would even go as far to say that it was abusive in the way that it was delivered. This stemmed from expressing from an unhealed hurt rather than expressing from the fullness of me.

163. I realised the other day just how much I choose (yes choose!) to make up issues, hurts and problems because (and yes it is crazy!) I have not been letting myself accept the depth of love that is there in myself and the relationship. It is almost to yummy to accept as crazy as that may sound. But it highlights how these behaviours don’t just happen. They always happen for a reason.

164. The cycle of abuse ends when we make our life about love.

165. I had quite a nasty wake up call similarly when I realised exactly the same as you describe, that abuse in relationships comes first and foremost from me. It is taking a while to feel the depth of this and how entrenched and obstinate I can still behave sometimes. But my relationship is changing and developing which is confirmation that we are re-imprinting our behavior in a loving way.

166. “I had previously focused on was what my partner ‘did wrong’ or ‘didn’t do right’’ – It would be so interesting to track back where our expectations of what ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ are from… Did we come up with those expectations ourselves or could it be that at some point in our lifetime we’ve picked them up from being let down, lied to or abused in some way, or that we picked them up from another person like our mum, dad, the media etc.

167. We can fill ourselves up in many, different ways. Yesterday I felt an emptiness within me and I stayed with it for a little while. I felt very uncomfortable and it wasn’t too long before I found myself looking for something to do. I realised how I can use work to avoid feeling the emptiness and fill myself up to make myself feel better.

168. This is honesty one of the best blogs I have read, I enjoyed everything about it. Your writing style really gels with me as well, its super easy to relate to, even the way you express your appreciation for Serge is like a breath of fresh air, it is just so simple and true. You make me want to get honest, you are now my inspiration I cannot thank you enough for being brave enough to publish this very honest blog.

169. I am always blown away when I witness a person taking responsibility in their relationship for their own part of the disharmony and working to heal and resolve that in themselves, whilst offering the other person grace and space to heal and resolve their own end in their own time. To me even if they choose to live apart because of this difference, when such depth of love of self and the other, honouring of self and the other as well as personal responsibility is chosen, both parties are deeply supported in their expansion and evolution.

170. This is a great example of taking responsibility for what happens in life, that it is because of how you have changed the how you were living so your situation is changing. Thank you.

171. The more honest we’re prepared to be, the more we can see the extent to which we manipulate others so that we can feel okay about ourselves – we use others, in the most subtle of ways, to meet our own unmet needs, because we don’t want to deal with and feel these unresolved hurts.

172. No matter how much we want or try to change things around us, be it work, relationships etc nothing will change unless we commit to a loving relationship with ourselves. It’s a bit like being in the middle of a circle, focussing on all these things / issues / situations we are trying to work on dotted around us, but the one thing we are forgetting is what is at the centre, the core of it all
     – us – if we have that true relationship with ourselves then we wouldn’t need to ask questions – we would know what to do or not do in some cases.

173. It’s so easy to fall into the blame game and resentment in relationships, when we’re not willing to take responsibility for our own relationship with ourselves. What is amazing to feel is how quickly this can shift, just by being willing to be completely open and honest with ourselves. How loving and honouring have we been with our own bodies and selves, first? Have we given ourselves what we need, or are we relying on someone else to do this for us? Others can support and inspire us, but no one else can do the work for us of self-care and self-love: fundamental building blocks to our primary relationship – the one we have with ourselves.

174. Thank you for a much needed article that exposes the subtleties of abuse that so often fly under the radar as we have chosen to believe abuse only comes in physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual etc ways. For many these are easier to spot but how we are when we are less than loving towards ourselves or others is abusive and this I am learning more and more in my own behaviours which then helps me see and understand why abusive situations occur. What is said here is crucial to grasp so we can all take responsibility for own abusive ways “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse. That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.

175. Deeply loving and caring for ourselves is very much a moment by moment choice. As it’s not been my natural experience to honour myself this way, the joy, delight and beautiful part is that it can be ‘learnt’, and connected to so it unfolds as a normal, natural choice of how I treat myself. All the people that live this choice are truly appreciated as reflections and inspirations that it is such a natural way to actually be and waiting for another to do this for us means waiting for-ever.

176. Very powerful blog Anon, beginning to name abuse as ‘anything that is not love’ is a huge but very necessary step in understanding the root cause of all abuse. We see the worst of it as the only real ‘abuse’ but you show very clearly that it begins way before then at our first steps away from the love we are and the absolute regard and cherishing we need to hold for ourselves.

177. ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ Learning to live from love and making all my movements about love is taking some time to get the hang of but bold statements like this really support in making love the focus of my day!

178. This is an excellent blog, defining far further the subtleties of abuse, which sadly we seem to have come to accept as a normal way to be. Fortunately there is a way to break this cycle and learn to live lovingly with oneself and with others. Huge thanks to Serge Benhayon from me also.

179. I agree we need to completely redefine our definition of abuse in our daily lives. Most of us when we think of the word abuse would only think of the more extreme obvious physical, emotional or verbal abuse. However it is true that we are highly sensitive beings and so even a harsh word spoken or a certain look can hurt us if we are honest and therefore this is also abuse and if done repetitively over a long period of time can do us harm.

180. When we come to the realisation that “anything less than LOVE is actually abuse” then the enormity of what we have accepted as ‘normal’ becomes very apparent. This can be a bitter pill to swallow, especially when we realise that it starts with us and our relationship with ourselves first.

181. The fact is, is that we all know love, we all know innately and deeply inside us who we are and so the smallest amount of disrespect or dishonouring feels awful and it’s always a matter of constantly bringing more love into our everyday lives and refining, or stopping, all the tiny (or large!) threads of abuse we allow, in whatever way they play out.

182. I have definitely noticed that when I am feeling hard on myself or angry with myself about something or not taking care of myself, I start to become hard, harsh or angry with others.

183. Your blog is a timely reminder of how much we abuse ourselves in terms of the way we think about us, the way we treat our bodies and the way we move. Loving ourselves with appreciation, nurturing our body with nourishing food and gentle exercise, and moving tenderly, affect everybody around us, as the ripples of love emanate outward from deep inside.

184. Your article, Anonymous is ground breaking in that you change the justification of the victim of abuse to feel “victimised”. Instead you show the way of what it means to take responsibility for yourself, your choices and your reactions. Most importantly you bring it back to the quality of the relationship you have with yourself and how this is reflected through to your partner.

185. Abuse is not denying what you feel.

186. Quite often we have this belief that relationships just happen and what you’ve got is it, end of, you can either put up with it or move one, but what I have come to realise is that relationships with others take work, and is no different than working on the relationship with ourselves.

     1. Agreed Julie, if we rest on our laurels or cruise in a relationship, and that includes the one with ourselves, then we are living in comfort and therefore delaying our evolution and the evolution of others.

187. How empowering it is to cease perceiving oneself as a victim and to ask ‘what am I doing to create this situation?’. Surely it is the case that we are never truly powerless in such relationships and hence never truly a victim. Understanding this changes the whole basis of relationships.

188. With abuse being a single small seed look at some of the 1000 plus year old oaks? Once we allow small abuses to grow, they can become deeply rooted as just normal!

189. Pointing the finger at others is the best way to avert our attention away from our own behaviours, our own contributing factors to the abuse we experience. However, there comes a point in our lives when we recognise that the common factor in all we experience is in fact us and so therefore, choosing to observe how we behave and the effect we have on others holds some magnificent clues as to how we can break the cycle of abuse and begin to restore our true expression – integrity, love, honesty and respect. These qualities are innate within us and once appreciated, it becomes natural to say to any kind of abuse in all its obvious and subtle forms both within our selves and between one another.

190. Here is an awesome exposure of the tolerated and less obvious forms of abuse. By their subtle insidious nature they are in fact long-term far more damaging than the physical abuse as they damage and hurt the persona.

191. I agree Ariana, when we choose to stay in abuse it doesn’t allow us or the world to see how magnificent we are. To choose abuse means we are not claiming how amazing we actually are, because once we claim who we are, there is no way we would ever put up with the energy of abuse. I have realised, choosing to be love is what will arrest our cycles of abuse.

192. ‘I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life…’ Wow, not many people I know would be willing to admit this, because most of us look to blame others for our experience of abuse in life, yet what you have shared in your blog is so true. Whatever the situation we are in, it is a result of all our choices and this highlights to me how much our choices influence and impact our life.

193. I agree totally with your sharing and especially the fact that” If its not Love its abuse”.

194. The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse” I agree the problem is that most of us do not want to take this level of responsibility for ourselves and in relationship with others. Imagine a world that lived by this principle?

195. Abuse is a topic that is hard to face for most people, yet you’ve shared here something really powerful, that most of us are actually living being abusive and being abused. If we keep abuse to something extreme then we are doing us a dis-service as you say, anything less than Love is abuse. This then allows us to unfold the true meaning of love for ourselves and start to cut out anything that is not what Love is in truth. It makes the whole process a beautiful unfolding and experience as we connect back to living a true, vital and full life.

196. In attaining the false pictures of love, we live abuse. In living the truth of Love, abuse is exposed and seen as the choice that it is.

197. Speaking from hurts stops us speaking from our hearts.

198. And the willingness to look and call out behaviour in a way that does not hold judgement to oneself is beautiful to read about and a way of embracing that life is a learning in every moment.

199. It seems to me that the blame game is one most of us are well versed in, with the playing of it usually beginning from young, but is a game that discounts the most important fact of all; we and we alone, are responsible for our lives. When we make a choice, as we do many, many times in a day, every single consequence of these choices is ours. Unfortunately most have been raised to play this destructive game and the minute self responsibility is raised they either run for cover or stand up and ‘fight’. Surely it is time to raise our children to know what responsibility is and what they are responsible for in their lives.

200. Your opening paragraph is amazing in itself and every word after that confirms the truth you share. As I read on I found myself facing my own abusive behaviour and looking at the not so subtle manipulations I use in relationships. I can see that I do not need to be perfect, I can simply commit to love and be honest about my patterns and behaviours so that they can be changed.

201. “What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.” . . This really highlights the responsibility we all have to deeply care for ourselves first and foremost so we are not laying this demand on another.

202. Thank you Anon, yes, to discover and uncover abuse and the extent of it with an open and honest eye, is exposing, and, as you say in the realisation that – “anything less than love, is abuse”

     1. You are so right Zofia, “anything less than love, is abuse”… there was a time when I didn’t really understand what this meant. I believed that an abusive relationship was one that contained physical violence, mental, emotional or alcohol abuse, neglect etc etc, but now I realise that what you say is right, there are many more subtle forms of abuse that are equally as harmful and not so loving, and until we call these behaviours out and expose them, we will remain in our comfort in relationships that aren’t true at all.

203. This is such an honest blog about the part we all can play in abuse and how easy it is to blame another without looking at ourselves. As I read I could feel and see myself in those situations where I go out in the world and demand that others provide me with what I am not willing to provide myself, be that love, respect, recognition etc. We set the standards for how we are treated in how we treat ourselves, we set our value, are we willing to truly stand up for and with ourselves no matter what?

204. A classic unconscious ‘knee-jerk’ pattern …”‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!…” that can only be rid of by attending to and deepening the relationship with ourselves. A great expose Anon of the non-obvious / non-stereotype patterns of self abuse and abuse within relationships, in the way we can self talk, assume, expect, impose or dump on one another in relationships. Improving our own relationship by self care and self love first changes and evolves the relationships we have with everyone too.

205. At the moment in Australia, and no doubt elsewhere in developed nations around the world, the subject of family or domestic violence is a big ticket item. And yes, attention does need to be brought to this most pressing of social concerns. Discussion on the topic is however still locked into a paradigm of victim and perpetrator. This article opens up the possibility that no one is in truth a victim and that equal parts are played in the creation of abusive situations. This will be no means be a popular view but it needs very much to be expressed so we can start to understand the root cause of abuse and eventually, by bringing self-responsibility into the picture, bring it to a halt.

206. Thank you Anon for stepping us through this most excellent dissection of abuse. For too long we have held abuse ‘out there’, as something extreme that happens to a certain and unfortunate few. The truth is, we are all participants in abuse – unless we have achieved in full the kind of mastery of self that is mentioned here.

207. We play a big part in life. Much bigger then most people are willing to admit. And as we deny and / or ignore our part, we’re actually in denial of the love that we are. And everything that comes from here is some form of abuse. Allowing ourselves to love dearly is something worth exploring as it might be the key to all our abusive issues.

208. ‘What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.’ I know this one well!!! And it’s great to clock because as soon as I do I can stop being a victim and come back to being responsible.

209. I really love this part about love being transformed from a point of focus that is outside of ourselves, such as another person or a group, to it being the very fact of who we are – Love itself. This changes everything and especially within relationships and our responsibility thereof.

210. Thank you for this very straight forward blog, with a very basic truth for all of us: ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’ If we don’t value ourselves, how can we expect another to do the same? Appreciating ourselves and others goes a long way to finding true love in all our relationships.

211. This is an undeniable truth “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…”

212. I can relate to so much of what you have shared. The first step always seems to be the hardest but being willing to look honestly at the part we have chosen to play in all our relationships, beginning with our relationship with ourselves, is paramount in order to bring about any real and lasting change.

213. As you point out, blaming another/others and slipping into victim mode doesn’t resolve anything and keeps the cycle of abuse going. It is only when we look more closely at ourselves and the role we play in the scenario that change becomes possible and only when we take responsibility for our behaviour, does change actually happen.

214. And in turn when we take care of ourselves that is what we are communicating to others – how to be with us. The care goes around and comes around.

     1. Love feeds love.

215. The line in the sand – as a code amongst other men I knew, was never to be physically violent with partners. Yet it is no wonder this does not hold up in so many situations of domestic violence when the slippery slope of emotional abuse becomes out of control and painful to the extent that lashing out occurs as a form of protection and self preservation. Of course this does not at all condone physical violence but serves to understand it and I sense the truth of this article that abuse escalates from a gesture made to another already having cast judgment on them. To arrive at a deeper understanding that this means casting judgement on oneself and one’s own feeling of self worth is an enormous step to take in the right direction and where I feel the true healing can begin.

216. The honesty you have shared this with is deeply inspirational. I can only imagine how this would revolutionalize relationships world wide should people choose to take full responsibility for how they are being and expressing in every moment rather than focusing on the behaviours of another.

217. “We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! ” and I would add that we have been sold a very skewed message of what abuse is as well. Your blog is a great conversation starter to actually expand our narrow view on abuse as it shows us that anything that is not love, is abuse. We are more ready to see abuse as domestic violence, sexual abuse, yelling/shouting etc… but there is much more abuse that goes on that we consider more normal. For example, how do we talk to ourselves? I know I have talked harshly too myself and would not have considered that abuse before as ‘dont most people do it?’. Through building more self-love and self-care, the harsh talk is lessening and I am seeing it more and more as self-abuse to talk to myself in a way that is not loving.

218. Until we know love in full, we will not see the abuse we accept that serves to obliterate the expression of this love. This may seem like a catch-22 but the remedy is actually very simple and it begins by acknowledging that we are love first before we are anything else and from here making the choice to live as much of this love as we are humanly able in our every movement. Of course, due to the fact we have been sold a very false image of what love is, something that is so simple can end up quite complicated if we allow ourselves to go down the path that is fed by imposed ideals and images of what it looks like to live the great love that we are. Thus, our job here is to re-connect to that which lives within us and is the essence of who we truly are and let this love impulse us to move in a way that will not let abuse take root in the kingly vessel that is our body, a temple through which the light of our Soul may shine. Thankyou Anon for this truly revelatory sharing – a total game changer.

219. It is not often the most popular advice, when we have a complaint about an experience, to reflect on how we may be playing a part in its creation. However I have found it to be the wisest and the most empowering recommendation.

220. Life is all about rhythms, movement and cycles. Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern of cycle which are abusive , old and no longer serving us to evolve. The real joy is found in the honesty to see these patterns, work through them and move through to a more loving and supportive rhythm and way of being. Thank you Anon.

221. Anon, you have brought to humanity a clear and practical understanding of abuse and the many levels and how we are all a part of its ‘creation’. The beautiful flow of understanding is so easy to hear, feel and see operating in our own lives. Your solid and loving foundation can be clearly felt. I loved your comment – ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed’. Thank you.

222. A great and most needed sharing on what abuse truly is. The fact we are love is a nugget of gold that when felt and lived will take care of any abuse being experienced.

223. The truth is that “anything less than love is abuse” – simple.

224. For too long we have settled for a lesser version of love and accepted that it needs to come from another for us to feel complete. All the while, that deep and forever love that we seek from another has been within us all along. We have been so busy seeking it, we don’t truly stop to feel, that it is right there for us whenever we choose it. And it makes sense that anything less than true love is abuse, because the love of the soul would never accept anything less than itself as love.

225. We all have the responsibility to live a harmonious life, it is our responsibility to be love. It is incredible to imagine that there are so many, and I can’t say I don’t, live in a harming way. Which can be very abusive in relationship to ourself and others.

226. It is very easy to blame the other and not look at the reflection that they are offering us. It is beautiful that you write so honestly about this as I am sure that many can relate to what you have shared.

227. Ah the cycle of abuse exposed or is it? We have a picture of what we think abuse is, when it starts and when it ends. For some of us when the meter runs into the physical, that’s abuse, for others shouting, abuse, others it can get more subtle. But which do we see as worse? Obviously the physical because people get hurt right, in one way yes but in another no. Abuse in manipulation is unseen and accept and is far greater because of this fact. Punch me in the mouth and I bleed, people can see and I will get a bruise or similar to be treated. Manipulate me and no bruise, no obvious wound, no one notices and it will nearly send you around the bend. We think we end the cycle of abuse by taking care of ourselves, ah take care of ourselves and it all stops but this is just to give us awareness to another layer of abuse. There is far far more for us to see around this and in fact it never ends, why? because we have been apart of this cycle for a long time and then when you look around and see the utter devastation that abuse causes around us then there is far far more work to do. Abuse, there is parts to confirm and appreciate but truly the work with it never ends.

228. Great article Anon, there are many subtle forms of abuse that we may not be so obvious, and yet if we are undermining ourselves in anyway it is a form of abuse. When our relationship with self is founded on love, care and honouring of truth we will never accept any form of abuse from us or others.

229. I had a recent experience where someone imposed a blame on my way of behaving and I felt it was unreasonable, but what I also felt was the areas where I could look at my own role, my own behaviour, for while I knew what was being said to me was a dump of issues, i still felt that there was aspects of the situation that I could look at and learn from. That isn’t to say it is ok to accept abuse, but there is almost always a lot to be gained when we first and foremost look honestly at our own ways and how this can affect how others feel and behave towards us.

230. This is great to open up the conversation about abuse and what is actually is – as you have said Anon, where do we draw the line in the sand, what is abuse and what is it not? And to different people this will be different, as we grow and learn to love ourselves as well as others, and to be love, then from here comes a boundary that becomes more and more clear about what is and what is not acceptable, what is and what is not abuse. However, the bottom line is that even the smallest parts of abuse that we do allow in our lives are an opening for a greater abuse to be accepted in society. Hence it is part of our responsibility to keep working on ourselves as everything we do has an impact on all around us. Thank you Anon for your honesty and willingness to share this and explore these situations that are actually quite common in our relationships and friendships – by sharing our experiences we get to reflect, learn and grow from them together!

231. If I were honest I would say that all my relationships have a similar arrangement, never spoken of but a binding energetic deal nonetheless. a loveless arrangement that is like a pact “I promise to never be all the love that I am, if you promise to never ask me to be my full self, and I will do the same for you.
     Anonymous you have exposed arrangements for the falsity that they are and given meaning back to the word love. This line in particular puts responsibility front and center. “What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.”

232. We are so quick to blame someone else when we feel abuse come towards us, rather than stopping to question why it is happening, and that maybe we have an equal part to play. Thank you for bringing this very important converstaion to the table Anon, and that how ultimatley we are the ones who are bringing the abuse by not honouring and taking true care of ourselves first and foremost.

233. I know the feeling well of being empty and wanting another to fill you up. The thing is when you invite another to fill you up you relinquish responsibility and no longer discern what energy is entering you, It always gets messy.

234. These are wise words indeed – I really get how important the quality of relationship we have with ourself is to setting the foundation for how we then are with all others.

235. I deeply appreciate reading this and relate to so much of what you share. The cycle of abuse that plagued my relationships and most importantly how I was and treated myself. Furthermore the definition of what abuse is, I know that I would keep pushing the boundary of what was abusive so that I did not feel I ever had to cross it. Yet if we bring it back to simple terms, if something is not love it is abuse. Once we understand the true meaning of love this then makes life so much simpler and allows us to put an end to abuse once and for all.

236. What’s often ignored in situations where there is an apparent abuser and person being abused (abusee?), which has been touched on here is the phenomenal manipulation that the ‘victim’ is using to get attention from others. By acting out the victim role, they will be eliciting sympathy and recognition from those around them, which is equal if not more abusive than what they are experiencing from another. That’s not to say they don’t need support, but in order for true healing to occur they too need to recognise and take responsibility for their part.

237. I love this – anything less than love is abuse because live us who we are. What an honest account of abuse you share here – it certainly makes me consider the role I have played in abuse and how I know the abuse starts with a lack of love for myself.

238. To me it seems that the only reason we have issues in relationships is that we put up this wall and will not let the other one see us in full. It’s like we measure the level of intimacy we are willing to part take in which is pretty much a game of control. Between people there is only love and intimacy but we often work very hard for that to not be there. Sometimes it seems like we find it easier to have issues in a relationship than to allow the love that is already there to just be.

239. ‘I have stonewalled and neglected myself in millions of subtle little ways throughout my days. I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!
     ‘ Well said Anon, How can we look to blame others when we are the product of our own way of living?

240. The cycle of abuse is so well described here. I recognize my own life long patterns of accepting, creating and perpetuating abusive relationships in the many details offered.

     Anon has spelled out what abuse is, what our part in it is and what to do about it with such purity and truthfulness. I wish this blog could be available for every single person who recognizes they are in an abusive relationship and is willing to consider a perspective which just may support them in breaking the cycle.

     An excellent piece to read as we step into the begging of another yearly cycle, going around and around with our choices…

241. What if even the casting of judgement was abuse? Even the viewing of another as less than an equally amazing person as yourself? I have found even the daggers of judgement we box another person into have just as much damage for another person as the actual damage from real daggers in life. In fact they may even have more damage as it such daggers cannot be seen and may only be felt from someone’s thoughts moods and feelings and not necessarily what they say or do.

242. When we compare situations is the only time we can accept less than Love. i.e. Yeah he/she shouts but at least they don’t hit me etc etc.

243. ‘…..how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!’ I can relate to this victim energy so much and in hindsight see how manipulative I was and deep inside I knew I was but there were pictures, ideals and believes that were at play. The more aware we become, honesty can be there and we can let go of what we are not by loving ourselves first. Your article is truly a great reflection of how starting a relationship with ourselves is the start of a truly loving relationship with others.

244. Oh, I can relate to this behaviour of blaming others and not myself in a relationship when things get tetchy. It is a great to be open and observe this behaviour and call it out, as a pattern we don’t want to keep getting into. My husband and I used to spend a while discussing who started a disagreement, I always thought it was his reaction, but then I realised it was my initial loaded statement first. Now I know there were both unloving ways of living, it is great to expose it with love, right at the beginning and catch this cycle of abuse.

245. Yes Jane this is so true in the tiniest of details. Often we are first to judge the abuse that comes from another not contemplating that the levels of abuse that we accept from another are the same levels we have accepted for ourselves.

246. This word really sums up what you’re sharing here – we have relationships that are ‘arrangements’ rather than connections based on truth or love. But before we have an arrangement with another person, is it possible that we make an arrangement with ourselves first and foremost to NOT be responsible or loving and thus what we experience in the relationship is only an outplay of the choice we’ve already made…

247. wow, super honest blog Anon, and this is the level of honesty we must all attempt to bring if we are to expose the cycles and patterns of behaviour that keep us in the dynamics and separation… if we can get to understand we can realise that these patterns are not the true us, only things we have taken on to avoid a deeper level of awareness, of development, and of responsibility.

248. Thankyou for this sharing, it doesn’t work to look at others and pick out faults when ultimately we may be avoiding a deeper relationship with ourselves.

249. Relationship, friendship and marriage what is the difference, Many would say a lot however if there were all coordinated in the same love and care the issues surrounding these relationships would be far fewer.

250. Wow this blog is so awesome, so profound it feels like it was written by me..” I have stonewalled and neglected myself in millions of subtle little ways throughout my days. I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself! The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.”

251. “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse. That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.” This is gold and should be read everyday for the rest of my lives on this planet.

252. ‘Each one of us can have very different ideas of what constitutes abuse within a relationship…’
     And comparison is the opening for us all to have different measurements of what abuse is. Like, we think raising our voice is ok because it is not violent or physically hurting anyone. Comparison stops us from feeling and reading how any expression not sourced from the light and love we are can have an abusive affect in the body.

253. What a deeply honest and great blog. As I was reading, I could relate to a lot of what you shared. In that I have watered and fed my partners, tended to their needs, all the while I wasn’t tending to my own, so I wasn’t flourishing, feeling vital and nurtured. This of course required a lot of honesty to call out within myself that I needed to make more time and effort with my own self care and nurturing, this is changing all the time. An old momentum can creep in from time to time, but bringing more awareness all the time.

     1. I can relate to this raegankcairney – a very old consciousness that women have been masters of – taking care of everyone else at the expense of themselves and it is an old momentum to be stopped in its tracks through bringing a deeper self care and nurturing to oneself equally so with everything else.

254. After reading your blog Anon I can say that I filter what I accept and won’t accept that is abusive. How important it is to see abuse in all of its forms and also recognise that it begins with ourselves first and foremost. The trick here is not to get caught up in berating oneself, for that is self-abuse. If we sat and considered and really pealed back the layers of abuse, we would be surprised if not shocked at the level to what we tolerate from others, but also that that begins with how we are with ourselves.

255. I have recently been practicing responding honestly to how I feel when someone says something that offends me or I find hurtful, it has been as simple as saying, that didn’t feel nice, and then the conversation can go from there, and the more this is expressed the less hurt there is in the observation, and the easier it is to develop really honest and healthy relationships.

256. What a P O W E R F U L and H O N E S T blog Anon on a much needed topic of conversation. A blog to be read several times to embrace the insights you offer here….and, yes, it all begins with being aware of how we treat ourselves first.
     ‘And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?’

257. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” – spot on! I used to expect my partners to mind read and know what it was I needed. It was total abuse, manipulation and control.

258. The more we love ourselves the bar lifts to what we call abuse. But in truth anything less than love is abuse.

259. It is very empowering when we become aware that we are responsible for everything that happens to us and stop always looking at the other and blaming them. This does not mean that we accept any abuse whatsoever, because to allow abuse is actually abusive – but so too is the blame and victim game as is us ourselves not being loving (which can be very firm) whilst calling out the other for not being the love that we ourselves are not choosing.

260. I completely understand all that you share, nothing will change in this world, unless we have a deeply loving, nurturing and caring relationship with ourselves first and foremost, this is something I am learning.

261. Yes, Alison, that is very clear and for me it is also finding all the moments when I choose not to be love.

262. What a great blog. I have found that this cycle of abuse plays out in many different ways – overt and covert abuse but it can be simply me choosing not to be love for any reason at all and it becomes abusive when I blame the other as the reason why I am not love at this moment and any reason, even true and factual reasons, will do. However, it is always my choice whether I am love or not. That doesn’t mean I am a doormat as love can be very clear and decisive.

263. Thank you for sharing this wisdom here Anon. I have experienced both abusive and loving relationships in my life and fully agree with what you share here. The fact is, it is when we realise and accept that we are responsible for being love that our relationships change. Otherwise who is ‘bringing the love to the party’? In a loving relationship, both people recognise that they are responsible for being love and are not there to seek it in the other. After all, the underlying message of seeking love is in fact to state, ‘I do not have love’ – so it is this that needs to be addressed and not the other person. Very well said.

264. We expend so much time and energy looking for love and berating others when they do not provide it when all along the answer is within us. By being willing to confront and heal our deepest hurts we open up the possibility of a truly loving relationship with ourselves and then with others.

265. It is so true that how we are in any relationship is reflected back to us and I know that I have so often gone into victim/martyr mode and then berated the other person for how they have treated me. Becoming willing to look at my part in any situation has been really revealing of just how much I have been the driver of any behaviour towards me. Confronting to look at but also deeply healing and all my relationships have benefitted because there can be no equality when we play victim/see ourselves as less than another.

     1. Helen, this is spot on, and there is a humbleness in allowing ourselves the realisation that we play an equal part to the so called perpetrator of abuse, and so really looking at this is an exposing experience but one that allows true growth and intimacy to develop amongst us.

     2. It is indeed a revelatory and sobering moment when we realise that both the victim and the perpetrator are run by one and the same energy and that this energy is simply all that opposes the great love that we are. When we take blame out of the equation we are left to feel the responsibility we have for the choices we make. Do we say yes to love or do we say yes to abuse? Now we could say that no one in their right mind would choose abuse, yet by virtue of the fact we do not choose love, in that we are not in active expression of this our essence, we are in-truth saying yes to its counterpart, which is abuse. And if we are saying yes to something that is not of our essence, then what is it we have to gain from such acceptance? Do we accept abuse because it affords us an excuse and thus bides us more time to not live from the love that we are? As our world is riddled with abuse from enormous inhumane acts of war down to the very potent and silent glares towards our partners, it would serve us well to ponder deeply on this.

266. You have nailed it anon; self responsibility is the key. What someone else does or says is theirs to take responsibility for. My first relationship is with myself in the context of my contribution or not in breaking the patterns of abuse.

267. This blog really cuts through what we have accepted as non abusive but really is, and it really highlights very strongly that if we are abusive with ourselves first we can’t expect another not to react. Taking responsibility to read that reaction rather than go into feeling like a victim takes an openness and level of maturity in understanding the bigger picture and the part we all play in this.

268. ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed.’ What a great sentence which could be applied to all aspects of life. Letting go the ideal that we need to be perfect is liberating indeed and to make life about commitment to bringing all of us to all we do, with no holding back – that is truly loving.

269. When we see a pattern of abuse through all our relationships it offers us an exposing moment to recognise that the common denominator is ourselves. What a great reflection that is to bring it back to looking at our choices and if they are truly loving for ourselves first and then naturally for others. This is a gem of a blog, thank you Anon.

270. Through Universal Medicine and the teachings of Serge Benhayon I am also coming to understand that anything less than Love is abuse. We are so programmed to believe abuse is the ‘out-there’ dramatic incidences of another to others… when in fact it is the internal way we choose to treat ourselves and to live in our day-to-day lives that will bring that same treatment towards us – so only self-responsibility will end the cycle of abuse.

271. Thank you, Anon. What a great inspiration for taking a look at our life with responsibility. Knowing and holding ourselves as love first and foremost definitely helps sniff out any abuse we allow in our personal life as well as the world over.

272. Every time I say no to a level abuse, a deeper more subtle one reveals itself. And another opportunity to say yes or no is there.

     1. Me too Vicky and the depths of the meaning of love therefore seem limitless.

273. There is much to learn from this blog, how we set ourselves up and then make it oh so easy to dump the blame elsewhere. But I just love the sentence towards the end ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed’. That is all it takes to start transforming who we are and our ingrained patterns of behaviour.

274. Anon, thank-you for this super honest sharing. The cycle of abuse that you relay is a continuum that many are living without question. Serge Benhayon’s presentations deliver the responsibility right back into our laps and gives us the opportunity to lovingly feel if this is true and then to make the changes that counter the momentum of this deceitful & highly destructive cycle.

275. How important for us to define this particular word, abuse, for ourselves so that we can take responsibility for how it still plays out in our lives, to the nth degree.

276. “….I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.” Everything is a reflection – if we choose to look deeper into all our relationships. No need to condemn ourselves for messing up but choose to take greater responsibility for the part we may play in future. Thankyou Anon – lots to ponder here for me personally.

277. Thank you Anon for sharing this with us. Exposing what abuse really is and to truly understand it fully means we can then learn to say ‘no’ to it and break this viscous cycle. Being honest and willing to take responsibility for any part we play in an abusive relationship is key to supporting us to put a stop to it. Also, is it possible that in our current society, we may have been a bit confused about what is abuse, or is it that we are not willing to see it for what it is? So, by truly understanding what is not truly loving is abuse, I find this understanding makes it so much more easier for me to nominate, clear and discard any form of abuse.

278. “And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day!” It is one step to say no to abuse and step away from an abusive situation/pattern, but as you say the real change starts when we see our part in it and heal that which makes us seek the same over and over again.

279. I agree. We need to get very honest about the word abuse for the world is full of reply abusive behaviour that we have numbed into normality by not calling them for that they truly are.

     1. It seems that we have fallen for comparing situations to others and down playing abuse because it may not be as bad as the extremes – it would serve us to compare to the marker of love.

280. Isn’t it crazy that we hold love as some kind of ideal, goal, achievement. We consider it a treat, a special and wondrous gem that we aspire to or hope for. All of this places love outside of us as if it is something to strive for and work for…and thus something that we may never get to or may lose… We have set ourselves up totally and squarely. Love is who we are, it is our natural expression, it is in every cell of our body. So, actually the ‘achievement’ here is the amazing work, skills, commitment and stubborn determination with which we keep ourselves AWAY from Love. If it weren’t such a tragedy you’d almost admire the tricks and skills that we pull to deny ourselves our most fundamental truth.

     1. Powerfully said Otto… it is such a set-up! It takes so much energy to uphold our avoidance of love, when it is so easy, simple and natural to be all that we innately are which is Love.

281. LOVE should be the norm, the base level, the common denominator – because that is what we are. Simple.

282. I love how you expose the victim mentality that we can go into, as society we are really quick to blame. Your blog brings true education because if we can really observe and notice our behaviour it is easier for us to choose differently.

283. We see it clearly when we are youngsters playing out with our parents and then go on to do the same and believe that is what love is, but this article highlights very well our responsibility when it comes to being abusive with ourselves and then expecting others to give us something we do not give ourselves first. Looking at relationships this way makes it easier to see the abuse.

284. As you say to well – where is the line to be drawn in the sand when it comes to abuse? What if we had a world totally free of physical violence – not one person was ever touched in a way that was unwanted, hurtful or painful – it would be amazing and yet, would abuse have come to an end? What about the hurt and damage the spoken, or even at times the unspoken word can have on people – the way someone ignores you can cut like a knife, or how someone takes about you feel like punch in the gut. Our scale of abuse cannot be measured from lowest and more base forms of behaviour up, for we will end up settling for something ‘better’ but not the true freedom of abuse.

285. It’s amazing how close we are to the source of all the problems around us! We accuse everyone and thing except the person wearing our shoes!

     1. Blame is a great way to avoid responsibility and also to retard any healing that could come from understanding and being accountable for our life’s situations from our choices.

286. By looking at our part in the relationship dynamics from a point of view of ‘How am I supported this to be?’ rather than the blaming of ‘it’s all them’ this is what can turn a relationship around and heal abuse. What I’ve been learning is that when I react to my partner, if I ask myself what is it about what they’ve said or done that I also do that is disturbing/upsetting I understand myself and them more and with understanding theres no room for repeat reactions. This has felt so more freeing than remaining trapped in hurts and blame.

287. Awesome article Anon, thank you for your honesty and exposing the real evil of the cycle of abuse: “But what about neglect? What about stonewalling someone? What about the occasional swear word said in the heat of the moment? The silent treatment? Venting our frustration?” These behaviours are more damaging than physical abuse because they are not so obvious and hence we tolerate them and/or indulge in them more, whereas physical abuse is very obvious. Saying ‘no’ to abuse begins in our internal environment, the way we speak to and treat our selves. As you so clearly present, if we are not willing to take care of our selves, what right do we have to expect anyone else to? The road back to Love starts with making the effort to re-connect to and express our own love and no one else can do this for us. Serge Benhayon has re-established a strong and powerful reflection of true Self Responsibility, Nurture and Love sorely needed in the world today, a steady, reliable guiding light that exposes the cycles of abuse and victim mentality we have created through our own self neglect. A powerful conversation to initiate Anon and one that supports us all to honestly look at and take responsibility for the cycles of abuse that we allow to play out in all our lives.

288. “Love is actually who we are!” So when we are not love we don’t know who we are and when we don’t know who we are it hurts.

     1. What a gem Mary!

289. “But what about neglect? What about stonewalling someone? What about the occasional swear word said in the heat of the moment? The silent treatment? Venting our frustration? Do we acknowledge these as abuse? Where exactly IS the line in the sand?” Such a great questions anon. These things are often seen as normal in relationships to occasionally occur. ‘Oh yeah we have a fight sometimes, but that is healthy for a relationship…” Yet is it really? Did we ever stop to consider these thoughts?

290. What you have identified here Anonymous is so important if one wishes to have a truly loving relationship. There is so much that is taken for granted, accepted as the norm in relationships but in truth is abuse. As you share, it requires only to be completely honest with oneself to break the cycle.

291. It is very clear after reading this blog that when we define anything less than love as abuse, that there is a lot of work to do to make our lives and the societies we live in based on love and not the abuse that is so abundantly there if we are willing to see it. The abuse can bee found in different disguise, some are easy to recognize but other types of abuse are more hidden and not so easily recognised as they are subtle and already in our lives for that long that we have got used to it. But when we start to bring love back into our lives, all the aspects that are abuse in our lives will surface and become recognizable as a sore thumb as the simply do not fit when we bring love to it.

292. I love this line so much-“The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse”. I have come to know that this is the truth and accepting it is helping me to be more honest about my life and what I choose or don’t choose.

     1. I completely agree with you Elizabeth, anything less than love is actually abuse, and not only to ourselves but to everybody we are with and meet. So to me this means that I have to become very honest with myself and be clear how much I still allow abuse in my life, either lived and expressed by myself or the abuse I allow to be around me without me taking any action on that,

     2. Yes, Elizabeth, I love this too and I have come to learn the life transforming fact that anything less than love hurts us; is abuse to the tender, loving beings that we all are.

        When I went to Serge Benhayon years ago with a major relationship issue he listened and then responded by saying “Don’t accept anything but love”… it may seem like a tall order and it was extremely challenging but when he said it I understood that it was the only way to truly support myself and my partner to be who we are not who we are not. Because I felt this truth I was able to accept only love. This has brought immense healing for both of us and our relationship is now built on Love and continues to grow.

        —said with full hearted permission from my partner, Ken Elmer

293. I love that realisation that anything less than love is abuse, but it is a really exposing statement. How can any of us expect to be loved unconditionally if there is still abuse in our lives that is coming from us.

     1. And that is the core of the responsibility that we all have. Takes the wind out of the sails of blame.

     2. This one statement of ‘everything less than love is abuse’ as the bench mark – and a truth it is – is a real eye opener to how much abuse people tend to accept in all kinds of relationships in society today. At times it seems that we can abuse those we are in closer relationships with, more than we do with strangers.

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