I was going to write this blog from the perspective that I was in an abusive relationship with my partner, and he was the perpetrator, and I the victim. I genuinely believed this, at least, until… I started getting really deeply honest and truth-full with myself.
What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply, is that I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!
I personally have had a pattern of focusing intensely on my partners and my relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe ‘being’ and bringing our ALL in our relationships IS a healthy and absolutely necessary thing to do – but I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings. This has been a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts in me and acknowledging how those hurts translate into non-loving expressions, blaming others and behaviours within my relationships.
That brings me to now, eight months into the relationship I am currently having with a beautiful man, whom I adore… and the cycle of abuse is still felt equally as acutely as I felt it way back in my early twenties when I was in a physically abusive relationship. Although my partner doesn’t hit me, or yell or scream at me, I have discovered a cyclical pattern within our relationship that feels very old and very familiar!
What I had previously focused on was what my partner ‘did wrong’ or ‘didn’t do right’ and hence, from where I was looking, it was easy to notice when he was grumpy or venting his frustration and stay stuck in the ‘he did me wrong’ victim story! But what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.
I am blessed to have a partner who took the time to express to me the other day that he felt that I had glared at him with daggers when he was sitting on the bed and I was putting our youngest daughter to bed and when I said “I would like to be sitting down and relaxing too!” he felt that this statement had come loaded…. It did!
Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about berating myself either – as I may and often do have very valid points to express, but on honest reflection of this occasion I was able to feel and acknowledge that how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!
So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.
The understanding that I am coming to is that to truly heal and put this cycle of abuse to rest, Once and For All, we must deeply and honestly look into how we are and have been, firstly with ourselves.
I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse. That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.
So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?
Have I listened deeply to what my body truly wants? Have I rested when tired? Have I eaten nourishing foods when hungry? Have I moved gently in a way that honors my body deeply? Not always. Not even most of the time.
And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?
I have stonewalled and neglected myself in millions of subtle little ways throughout my days. I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!
The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.
When I have made my partner’s issues the focus of my ‘love’ attention and ‘care’ – rather than responsibly choosing to love, honour and care for me – it has been super-imposing! The not-so subtle message sent is, “You need me to care for you, because you aren’t capable of doing it for yourself!” Ouch!! Is it any wonder my partner feels like pulling away?! When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.
Each one of us can have very different ideas of what constitutes abuse within a relationship…
Most of us agree that physical violence is abuse… and yes, I have and would absolutely advocate saying “no” to and walking away from any relationship that condones such behaviour. But what about neglect? What about stonewalling someone? What about the occasional swear word said in the heat of the moment? The silent treatment? Venting our frustration? Do we acknowledge these as abuse? Where exactly IS the line in the sand?
What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.
The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…
We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! We have been told that love is something reserved for a particular person or group of people whom we hold above all else. But the truth is…
Love is actually who we are!
And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day! When we accept this responsibility we can begin to heal, and when we begin to heal and let go of what isn’t truly who we are, we are able to truly meet another from our fullness.
Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!
I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed.
Thank you to Serge Benhayon who was the first man who met me from this absolute unwavering place of total self-responsibility, and as such is one of my greatest inspirations.
by Anon, Melbourne, Australia
Further Reading:
Why Did You Stay? An Insight Into Abuse
Abuse – My Understanding So Far
Self-Abuse Under the Umbrella of Making it Right
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
When we start to understand Love then we are starting on the path of returning to the amazingness we all equally are and thus we are all able to appreciate energetically the shift in our awareness to the Truth about Love and what it brings to our lives.
Very true, ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’
How we are and have been with ourselves is always connected with what plays out in our lives, ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse.’
This statement reinforced it for me, ‘the fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse’. This blog is a great reminder that we allow so much abuse into our lives. Some is so subtle that we wouldn’t even realise it was there until we become honest with ourselves. When it is in our awareness, that we become sensitive to it and recognise it more and more.
As with anything, we observe it more and more, and when we are prepared to look at this within our selves, we realise that we are the creators of our own miseries. So at the end of the day we have a responsibility to ourselves which then reflects to another.
There are so many cycles we are stuck in until we come to the realisation that we are love, and thats it, and then nothing less will do.
We are powerful, so could we be responsible for our distress, and abuse, ‘I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!’ What an understanding to come to.
“how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back” A revealing aspect of ‘supply and demand’.
Mary this supply and demand is everywhere, the list is endless. It is only when we say enough and then we come to realisation there is more to life then this.
Observe more and you will see more.
Absoulutely, Mary it is the conditions we place on ourselves and others that is demanding, and when bring our Loving-ness to all we can only look forward to our Love deepening.
So well said Shirley-Ann – when we play such emotional games on ourselves this is indeed a form of abuse. And how important is this to recognise and to then know we can stop this at any time.
Awareness, and recognising the patterns at play is so important, ‘what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.’
There can only be a perpetrator if someone plays the victim – this is the game we are all privy to playing – once we realise this, we are free to choose to just simply be who we are, no holes barred so to speak.
Thank you Anon for sharing what you have shared here – it is a common theme for us all to blame another rather than take responsibility for ourselves and understand the part that we have played in whatever has unfolded. It is an ‘easy way out’ or at least appears to be the ‘easy way out’ when in reality it just makes our life more miserable – how much more simple would it be to simply accept our responsibility and then see what our role is? And yet despite knowing this we still make such choices…the true conundrum of modern man that creates the human condition that we know life to be.
It is always important to look at our part in what plays out, to take responsibility, ‘ it is a common theme for us all to blame another rather than take responsibility for ourselves and understand the part that we have played in whatever has unfolded.’
It is amazing when we realise how much of our reality we are the creators of. We get to realise the power we actually hold and want to deny.
Seeing what started the abuse, and our movements beforehand, is always valuable, ‘that how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!
So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.’
Recently I split from an abusive relationship on these very grounds. While the other person didn’t see arguing and blaming as abusive I did because it felt horrible. I would even throw in sarcasm and loaded comments into the abuse basket as well.
❤ Absoulutely, Leigh, when we are faced with a Loveless situation we can only pour more Love and trust that the reflection will bring a deepening relationship where we both are feeling the energetic pull of evolution.️
Thanks for your comment Shirley-Ann. When we can truly feel something as abusive, and let go of feeling it is ‘normal’ we have so much inspiration and clarity to change. The more we can live lovingly the more the love within us exposes these common human conditions as abuse.
It’s a confronting but essential read. it brings in a level of honesty that allows us to see how we may participate, even subtly, in cycles of abuse. And it can be helpful to consider why we may instigate abusive situations, which may at times be due to a deepening of love on offer which we can react to, leading to the opposite happening such as an argument. I love the self awareness on offer here, and willingness to be honest and bring more love to ourselves and others.
You certainly have opened up the doorway to more, and often, very subtle, forms of abuse Shirley-Ann. And I am sure there are so many more forms if we honestly look at the way we live. One for me is procrastination, the delaying of completing tasks, which then has me beating (abusing) myself up, for putting off what needs to be to done; this one is a double whammy, one that could very easily be avoided by making a different and more caring choice at any stage. Still a work-in-progress but a very valuable one.
I so agree, that focussing on what we perceive to be ‘wrong’ in the other person in a relationship is “a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts” in us. In fact, it is the ultimate distraction which builds an impermeable wall behind which we hide those hurts that we are carrying, hurts that are being exposed in the relationship. The big wake-up call for me was when, after my second long-term relationship ended I realised I could no longer solely blame my partners for what had played out over the years, as I was the common denominator in both relationships, so maybe it was time for me to take a long, honest look at my part in the relationships not continuing; one of the best wake-up calls ever!
Many people will look for faults in another and not look at their part in the situation, ‘I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings. This has been a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts in me and acknowledging how those hurts translate into non-loving expressions’.
We always have to take responsibility for our part in what is going on – simple as that. When you combine that with expressing how we are feeling (lovingly so) its a powerful combination.
I love the simplicity of what you have shared here Simon – thank you! Part of taking responsibility is about expressing truth and lovingly so, this cannot be more simple and true – for expression is everything.
Thank you, this is one of those blogs that has stuck with me that I enjoy reading again and again. It’s an interesting difference between saying “abuse” and saying “cycle of abuse” as a cycle infers that’s it’s more than one person involved and repeating, which opens us up to our own sort in the cycle and the responsibility to make changes. I can also relate to this line in all kinds of relationships “When I have made my partner’s issues the focus of my ‘love’ attention and ‘care’ – rather than responsibly choosing to love, honour and care for me – it has been super-imposing!” We really need to get on with loving and caring for ourselves, which gives people around us space instead of the imposition of expectations, needs, and demands.
Very true Melinda, ‘We really need to get on with loving and caring for ourselves, which gives people around us space instead of the imposition of expectations, needs, and demands.’
When we find these ‘patterns’ it is worth getting support to deal with them for they can be lifetimes old.
We express our displeasure with no responsibility, predictably someone else reacts, and voila – we have an abusive relationship… be that mother and son, husband and wife, work colleagues, friends, the media, politics etc etc. There are millions of these tiny fracas, and they are all adding to the abuse – and the only way to shift this juggernaut is to start with our relationships.
It is difficult to open your eyes and see it for what it is if you are the abuser – the majority of us hate being the victim of it, but how many of us are willing to admit the fact that we could be the instigators?
We see here how responsibility runs deeply in everything that is valid and true.
The more love we feel the more the parameters of abuse shift. We cannot abuse ourselves when we are loving ourselves, and abuse stands out very sharply. Interestingly when we are so-called “in love’ we are in a cloud euphoria where we can conveniently ignore what we would otherwise not willingly accept – this shows how falling in love really is a falling and abuse can start by merely overlooking something we are not totally comfortable with.
“But what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.” What a refreshing way to look at and understand our relationships, that although we play equal parts, there is always something for us to look at within ourselves and where we can take responsibility for how we communicate and the way we behave.
And maybe look at how we are with ourselves, ‘we must deeply and honestly look into how we are and have been, firstly with ourselves.’
The foundation of all relationships is the relationship we have with ourselves, and if there is any abuse in the one with ourselves it will inevitably flow on into those with others. Taking responsibility for our part in any relationship is the starting point to heal what is being presented to us. So if we deeply and unconditionally love ourselves then there can be no abuse, as abuse and love cannot co-exist.
I’ve really been feeling this Ingrid even in the quality of energy someone brings into a relationship. As lovely as someone may be if they are self abusive and self neglectful that is what their body brings and expresses to everyone they meet, and if someone is self loving then that is the quality that others feel from that person. It really turns everything on its head to return to the energetic truth behind things because it’s seen as such a good ideal to place others before ourselves, when in fact we just contribute a loveless quality of energy in our body for everyone around us to experience. If we want to bring the love we are to others we bring that self loving quality to ourselves first so the love is then there in our body.
I am starting to see more clearly, that when we live in a body of love there is nothing untoward that can make its way into us, unless we give it permission, as it is clearly identified as it comes close. Anything that is not love is naturally exposed and so we have a choice in that moment, to say yes to it or not. So why would we choose to say yes to something that is love-less, as it is the very antithesis of everything we innately are – and that is love.
“When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.” – And when we manipulate and try to control we are abusing both ourselves and our partner, because anything that is not true love is abuse, a responsibility that we all hold.
“How I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported” – I can so relate to this. And in that frustration, I keep confirming the righteousness of my own judgment and struggle – and even though what I have expressed might have a very valid point, it wouldn’t get heard and no one evolves. And deep down there lies my need for love to be reflected back but it is my job to confirm myself in love.
“Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!” A beautiful realisation that self-love opens the door to sharing your love with others.
Since we are love, that makes sense, ‘Love is actually who we are!’
Something that i have learnt is that everything we do to ourselves we are doing to our partner, those closest to us and ultimately everybody else. So we cannot go out and disregard ourselves during the day and then come back home to our partner and expect to be loving or for them not to have felt what happen with us earlier. We also cannot ever close off go into a room and think what we do will just affect us, as the ripples go out regardless of what we may want or think and if we are not fully in control of the energy we are choosing we have no say in how destructive and harming these ripples are.
Indeed James – its time to put the big stick down that we use to beat ourselves up with, in case we start applying the same thing to other people!
We definitely do not want to apply it to others especially as we know how harming it is to ourselves. Something I am seeing more clearly now though is when I bash myself I am also bashing all those around me as I then take this energy to them. It is not something I have wanted to see but have needed to see.
To accept responsibility for the part we have played in any relationship that has been abusive on any level is a great step towards true healing.
Anon, your two first paragraphs are absolute revelation and game changers. To own up to the fact that we are never and cannot be a victim of any sort, that there is always our own part in the creation of it is enormous, can be painful and difficult but at the same time it will free us of the patterns and reoccurring situations in our lives and empower us to make the necessary changes.
Exposing the minutiae of abuse and even though this type slips by relatively unnoticed as it does not look like the big ones (physical and strong verbal abuse i.e. yelling) it is absolutely abuse. We need more conversations like these to expose these type of abuse so the reader has the opportunity to reflect on the level of abuse in their own lives.
It was a revelation to understand the blame I heaped on others stemmed from my own lack of self love. Now, when I react or feel unease, I rarely blame others, but seek to understand by looking within to see how I’ve contributed to tensions.
Loving, caring and nurturing ourselves supports us to share this with another, ‘What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.’
Abuse is a door we can only personally unlock and seal, a door where we abusively love to drag others, to be with us. Abuse brings comfort to the one that says yes to.
Making the decision not to have abuse in your life in any way is setting a new standard, and once you have set it, the standard develops and develops, including any self-abuse, and even what you consider to be abuse.
Its a great point Heather, and a standard that all can then follow.
And when we allow the connection with ourselves, True love can blossom, and true relationships can indeed happen
Its quite something to be willing to accept that it is we who have been abusing ourselves that allows another to abuse us. This is not something that most of us want to admit to, but when we do it becomes clear to understand how abuse is then self perpetuated, but more importantly that we are the ones in the driving seat and can turn the tables on no longer letting abuse in to our lives.
Spot on Brendan, the abuse of ‘good’ can go undetected yet it is far more harming than the more obvious forms of abuse.
Many people settle for arrangements, preferring to stay stuck in the comfort rather than the evolution that is offered when we begin to live in true relationships. To break free of the abusive cycle we have been a part of takes honesty and commitment, and yes we are gifted with many blessings when we take this true and loving path.
I love your honesty Anonymous for when we wake up to the fact that we can and do actually abuse ourselves from the littlest of details to the overt we are able to slowly address how and why we do it and start to make more caring choices instead.
This blog exposes how easy the victim card is to play and how comfortable we are with doing so. It can be a pattern that is hard to see unless it is reflected back to us or we are ready to look at it.
“Love is actually who we are!” And this is all of us, all humanity, and, therefore, living less than loving relationships with all, including ourselves, is the abuse we accept as ‘normal’.
“So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.” – I can see how adopting this approach of holding back our full expression and instead holding one for ransom would result in an endless cycle of reaction and then a reaction to the reaction! This whole cycle of abuse as described in this great blog that exposes the ridiculousness of it also uses sympathy as a weapon to then create guilt or shame in another when the ‘martyr game’ is played. These emotions are toxic to any relationship.
When we start to ask the the question why and look at ourselves and our choice (lovingly so), particularly with unhealthy relationships and start to unpack this that is when true healing begins.
Wow what an amazing revelation: “I was in an abusive relationship with my partner, and he was the perpetrator, and I the victim. I genuinely believed this, at least, until… I started getting really deeply honest and truth-full with myself”. We can go around with false ideals and beliefs for a whole life time (or more!) And then all our choices built on such a foundation will keep digging us further into the pit. The choice to be open to the little clues that life constantly gives us that there is more, and the willingness to be honest with ourselves is a great step in starting to dismantle this.
Many great understandings were learnt in Anon’s relationship described in this blog, ‘When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.’
Until we learn about responsibility, true nature of that word, we will always be living with pictures and beliefs about what happened to us, what is happening in the world, without even considering the interconnectedness that brings clarity to all of these observations.
Great blog Anon. We find it so easy to blame another for how they ‘make us feel’, but as you say it is not them ‘making us feel’ anything but how we feel in ourselves first that triggers a reaction in us when something happens or words are exchanged unlovingly. By learning to not accept anything less than love for ourselves, these reactions get less and less, so that there eventually comes a time when there is no blame, but a simple acceptance of everyone and their individual relationships with themselves and others.
It makes sense that the quality of our relationships start with the quality we have with ourselves first and that no amount of blaming others is going to get us to take responsibility for our internal dialogue. On this, I can speak of first-hand experience when I always thought it was something my partner was doing wrong and if only he would change then my life would be perfect – well, news flash to self, it doesn’t work that way. No amount of looking outside of ourselves for the answers will bring us to the honesty of how we are with ourselves first and foremost. If we are discontented with the way things are in our lives then we are not content with ourselves – simple.
It can be challenging to come to the conclusion that we are all responsible for everything that happens to us in our lives, and on some level the amount of abuse in our life is dependent upon the amount of love we hold for ourselves. This blog is indicative of just how much abuse on many levels has been normalised, but also how much Universal Medicine is allowing people to see that it is anything but normal, and that if we are Love at our core, there is no room for any little bit of abuse in our lives. We need to call it out in all its subtle forms.
Who is the perpetrator and who is the victim when it comes to abuse? For abuse to happen it not only has to be accepted, it has to be invited. Who would invite abuse we may ask? Well, if we get deeply honest it can be quite revealing. Abuse comes in many forms and some of those forms we may choose to not only play blind to but leave the door open for.
Great observation, often we look at what is a ‘fault’ rather than what is the truth of someone, this does not mean blindly ignoring what is abuse, but do we meet someone for who they are in essence. This should be our starting point.
Whatever our crazy patterns in life are, it is a bit ‘Ouchy’ when you realise that it is something you have chosen. Yesterday when exploring intimacy at a workshop we discussed what our family’s behaviour had shown us about intimacy. I got to the point where I could see I had chosen this family as they had the patterns I have wanted to see confirmed to me for many lives. Although they may be uncomfortable or traumatic there are patterns we are familiar with and will keep choosing until we heal the need for them.
Thank you for this comment Fiona, I was going to write something about the cycle of abuse my deceased parents were in for their whole married life, but would defend each other to others, Their words were very harsh towards each other and now reading this it has me asking myself why I needed to be in that situation in this lifetime.
Ah I’m realising something after reading your comment Fiona. As a child I wished that my family was open and honest and that we would talk at the dinner table about what was really going on for us. My ouch moment is that, I’m still saying the same thing with my now family, but my communication and openness is something I haven’t fully looked at with my relationship with myself. How open and honest am I with myself when I keep doing and not listening to my body, or pretending I’m okay with something when I’m not. Powerful blog to support us to ask these questions.
We can become so self-absorbed in relationships which locks us into seeing things in a distorted way, even if there are some ‘right’ things we are perceiving our ability to observe the truth is lost. When we open up to understanding the truth is revealed and being right or wrong no longer matters.
Such truth that reaches the heart of many.. We all know that we hold a wisdom inside that is capable of much, open to receive the love that we are, will result in any other form of living that we can imagine.
That is why we are forever impulsed to lead our way by living from the love and openness to be all of that again. A joy is reborn.
‘What I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment’: Anon, thank you for putting this into words. I can truly relate to the distraction of looking outside of myself and blaming the other and am finding that taking FULL responsibility involves something of a sealing up of many ‘back doors’: well-trodden, habitual excuses and away-froms for the ways I don’t fully love & care for myself. An inspiring sharing, thank you.
This sharing comes straight to the core of abuse and all the questions to ask ourselves and see the abuse in our lives honestly and the cycle this sets up . What a real , honest and supportive sharing of the way to come to that honesty for ourselves and is a very beautiful offering for us all.
Thank you Brendan, from personal experience I know what you have shared here is true yet I found ideals and beliefs about family relationships, as well as the emotion of sympathy, meant I focused for many years on others to the detriment of my own health and wellbeing. One of the insidious things about such a choice is that it feels like it’s doing ‘good’ when there is actually no love involved for anyone.
This has been great to read again, it’s a very powerful piece on the realities of self responsibility especially in relationships. Your words here are very powerful; ‘Love is actually who we are! And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day!’. It’s the expectations in relationships (of all kinds) for another to supply what only I can that sours the potential that’s there to be explored. It also highlights how relationships can be about the self and what the self wants and needs from a place of self imposed emptiness, or can be from a more responsible foundation of self love that views a relationship as there for true evolution and to serve humanity, and to be a healing reflection for others.
It is interesting how, when we do express in an understanding and lovely way, there can be no or at least very little room for old patterns to come in and to disrupt the relationship. Because ultimately, loveliness is simple and sweet and holds no one to ransom, it does not have expectations of any other, and it is content for simple divinity to be in the space between people. This is what I know and experience loveliness to be.
Like many words, the word abuse has change over time whereby now most would consider abuse to be violence. We don’t even commonly call bullying abuse, which is what it is. But that’s only the surface and the extremes. There are much more subtle levels of abuse that we tolerate. Initially we need to look at how we are with ourselves in all things. For any shred of self-abuse leave the door open for subtle and possibly not so subtle levels of abuse in relationships.
The moment we stop taking full responsibility for our part we go into right and wrong and lose our ability to observe what is true in the whole sense of what that truly means.
Being right is a great place to get lost and distracted. You can stay here for a very long time, with very good reason, total justification and without having to take a look at your part. It may seem great, but really it’s quite a toxic place.
Anon, I can feel how easy it is to focus on someone else’s behviours rather than looking at how we are being in the relationship, this self awareness feels key; ‘what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.’
The relationships we choose are by-and-large the reflection of the choices we have made in relation to how we walk in life. They make sense within the context of movement we are already engaged in.
When we consider that love does not compromise, many ways in which we relate to each other are now exposed for the abuse they are…but are we ready for this level of exposure?
We can be so quick to judge and condemn another without taking responsibility for the way we are with ourselves and others 1st. It is up to us to set the example and lead with what we know is truth and love and thus set the standard otherwise it is as if we have 2 standards one for everyone else to live up to and another one for us to do what we want!
What we call from ‘normal’ is far from being normal when we start with the fact that we are love. It is only when this is our true marker that anything less than love stands out. But to feel and see this in full we 1st have to live our lives based on love, otherwise we will gage abuse based on the quality of life we are living.
That’s very true James, the more we bring love into our lives the more we uncover abuse, and a key part of that is honouring how the body feels in any situation.
Honouring how the body feels brings such a contented feeling no longer thinking we have to fight what we feel but rather embrace it, allow it and so honour it takes away so much tension I have lived most of my life feeling but not knowing how to really deal with.
“What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply, is that I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!” This is very powerful to read and really all I can do is nod my head and say it was the same for me. Through making simple daily choices to change this and bring care and love into my relationship with myself this abuse of myself has ceased. Loving relationships start with having a loving relationship with ourselves.
More and more I have started to realise that anything less than love is abuse, ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’
A powerful letter to us all – regardless of our ‘partnership status’. It calls out the level of abuse we have accepted in our society and invites us to draw a new line in the sand and that it needs to start with ourselves first.
Relationships are a great opportunity for us to define our principles of life, what we will stand for and what we will not stand for and also what we will contribute to and what we won’t contribute to, it’s a great opportunity to take a much deeper level of responsibility for all our actions.
This is a great blog as it outlines a way out of the cycle of abuse through the sharing of the writer’s own lived experience . . . an experience that many can relate to.
The moment we lower our personal standard of quality we allow it from everyone around us, hence abuse starts first with how we treat ourselves.
“Have I moved gently in a way that honors my body deeply? Not always. Not even most of the time” – so valid and so true.. the more you understand love, the more you understand the extent and cycle of the abuse you’re actually in every single day.
Relationships always start with self first, building self love and care so we have a strong foundation to bring to our other relationships.
It starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness/inability to admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive. For example: when a child is tired and we refuse to let them go to sleep but forcefully keep them up we would call that abuse and sleep deprivation. But we so easily do this to ourselves, pushing ourselves past the point of enough is enough and often right into exhaustion if not a diagnosable illness. What’s the difference?
Whoa! This makes things very interesting if we consider that if we are not loving and honouring ourselves that this is abuse. I can really feel how true this actually is and how it plays out in life.
It is an important point to make that abuse can come in many forms, and so even though there may not be screaming or hitting, there can still be a sense of attack against one another, and this is something that hurts and that gets in the way of love being expressed.