Self-abuse Under the Umbrella of Making it Right

Just the other day I was asked to do an action stunt whilst shooting a movie – they wanted me to jump off a roof. Of course, everything was done to be safe. But what did I do?

I used to push myself and my body really hard all my life, living in the belief that “I am strong, I can do that, and I’ll make it without any help.” Trying to show how independent I was as a woman, somehow trying to prove that “I can do it!”

My body was quite hard, battle-scarred, like a warrior’s body. It had survived a life of numerous car, motorcycle, and sports accidents and injuries. All because I’ve always wanted to be that little step ahead, to be seen as the woman who can do it all… independent, not needing anyone, being respected because I could handle anything.

As I know today, this is a condition many women have been trapped in for their whole lives.

A serious car accident in 2007, in which I nearly died, was a huge turning point for me. It offered me a chance to make changes to my life and attitudes – to start feeling into my body and looking after it with care and love. I opened up to me, which finally brought me to Universal Medicine in 2011. For over four years now I have been studying The Way of The Livingness, which has supported me to increase my awareness a lot.

I learned to stop acting from my mind and I began treating my body with respect, nurturing it with what it needs, instead of what brings the greatest pleasure. I was gently reminded of the fact that my body is the greatest gift I have.

I explored the possibility that my body knows everything (!) – when a rest is needed, which food it needs, which exercise, how often to go for a walk and how to walk more gently. How it senses the world and navigates me through life like a compass, through every mood that others are in and are communicating with.

Every need it has, and all the love I have in me, my body expresses with beauty and grace – far beyond any demands or expectations. In short, it is my pure and solid partner.

I learned to shift my behaviors from choosing what was cool to have, fancy to be, or yummy to eat, into: feel first what to eat, which words are truly needed to say, and what I am really to do, and that being connected with my body is the real deal!

So, after having stopped making obvious destructive choices such as motorcycling, heavy partying and pushing my body hard, which only led to my body being in pain, I started being more caring and self-loving. With this, more hidden choices of self-abuse showed up… like eating food that did not agree with me, or too much food, or not resting when my body was tired etc.

So I started working on this and deepening my awareness of what this sensitive vehicle really needs. But still, when I was asked the other day at work to do the stunt, I found myself crossing that border again. I pushed my body again very hard to get the result that was needed. And so – I jumped.

Everyone was happy that they got good pictures and I had ‘fun’ doing it. But what had truly happened?

I was shocked when I took a rest to feel how my body felt. I was shocked by how I am automatically used to abusing my body instead of treating it with love: how deeply conditioned I am to the “I can do it” attitude. It came in again in seconds!

And the need to get the recognition for having it done ‘right’ – something that brought me back to my childhood years when I started to fulfil what was needed in order to get recognition or acceptance for who I am by what I do! A lifetime of feeling I have to prove that I am good and worth it, that I can do it, that people can rely on me. I would have done anything.

After that roof-jump, I could feel how much my body did hurt and that I needed to rest for days. It took me a week to be able to walk gently again because every part of my body was in pain. I then started to question very deeply: why did I fall back into “I can do it”? Why do I put outside demands in front of respecting me? Why do I think I am not enough being me?

I got to the point that I recognised that whenever I do something that is not truly felt to be right from my body – I am abusing myself. There is no difference whether it is jumping from a roof or talking to someone to ‘be nice’ when I truly do not feel like talking: they are both against the truth of my body, they both need a push to go there. One may seem more dramatic than the other, but there is no difference – they both feel horrible afterwards.

Understanding this is my key to truly ask and feel the body first – and listen to the answer on the inside. To not put other people’s demands, or my own beliefs of how I think that I have to be, ahead of how I truly feel to act. This uncovered the evil held under the umbrella of ‘making it right’ for me. The only truthful ‘making it right’ is to feel first and let love be the fuel that runs my engine. No more, or less.

To me Serge Benhayon made the step of speaking up for true love, an inconvenient way to talk or express sometimes. Not everyone likes to hear words of truth and love because it’s confronting to what is seen as normal.

Even though there is a lot of illusion around what is normal, there is a way of reconfiguring the ‘normal’ to stop the constant abuse we are all in. The abuse happens anytime we are not truly aware of ourselves and others. It happens anytime we are not living the true love we are. Nowhere else outside of Universal Medicine was I ever reflected this truth before, to which my inner heart responds without doubt.

By Christina Hecke, Actress, Berlin, Germany

Further Reading:
Your Body The Truth
Abuse – My Understanding So Far
Listening To My Body And Honouring My feelings

1,023 thoughts on “Self-abuse Under the Umbrella of Making it Right

  1. “I was gently reminded of the fact that my body is the greatest gift I have.” The particles that make up our physical body are in tune with the Universe and constantly communicate the truth of the way we are living.

  2. We can justify so much of what we do, especially as the “normal” way of living is at such a low peak, with much indulgence and living in neglect or at least disregard for our bodies and true health and especially when we get recognition for doing such things, like you jumping off a cliff. It would benefit us all to take a breather now and again and consider what is really going on and at least give ourselves a chance to come back to a kinder and more truly fulfilling way to be.

  3. Yes Christina our bodies are our true compass and show us much in how we treat, abuse and or care for ourselves. Building a relationship with our own bodies and feeling what works and what doesn’t is a great way to learn, live and love and its something that can be deepened and expanded for our whole lives. Our bodies are amazing.

  4. I love your honesty, Christina – and in sharing it in this blog you are offering a wonderful reminder that we all have an opportunity, a responsibility, to choose what our bodies are asking; to choose love in everything we do and that it’s okay to make mistakes. If you hadn’t jumped from the roof this sharing wouldn’t have been possible.

  5. There is such a vast difference between the right thing and doing what is most loving and supportive for your body. I know I got very caught up in the whole right and wrong but they are just opposites and reactions and are not actually love. Right or wrong has never actually progressed the world back to love – only love and truth do so any less is further keeping us in separation to the love that we all are.

  6. Ever so often we do things that our bodies do not really enjoy to fit in, but we suffer the consequences. But living in this way we keep ourselves and everyone in a state of comfort and stagnation, and there is no true reflection of love. And yet when we make a choice as such, it is an opportunity for us to see it clearly and to understand why we make such a choice, and simply to acknowledge and to respect our next choice. This is how growth happens, in which life is always supporting us in.

  7. It really is time to deconstruct that what we have made our normal. As everybody is abusing themselves this will not say that his is a normal way to behave as a human being. lets bring back the true meaning of what is normal back into our lives and with that do not accept any abuse or what soever to be part of our normal ever again.

  8. I love that you questioned why you slipped back into this old pattern and did not flick it off as a it-just-happened-once moment. If we allow ourselves to be caring with ourself and our life to the very detail there is a depth and a richness that unfolds that leaves no room for boredom and idleness.

  9. Could we say that because we aren’t perfect and it would be impossible to live this way then when we say, “The abuse happens anytime we are not truly aware of ourselves and others. It happens anytime we are not living the true love we are.” that we can see that abuse and it’s subtle layers will be with us in this world always. It will be our awareness and our deepening and appreciating of all things that aren’t abuse that will support our understanding of where it is still unseen. We or I have an image of that at some point abuse ends, it stops but what if this isn’t the case, are we disturbed by that or similar? We are looking at something that is a work in progress but not from who we truly are, if we were aware of who we truly were then we could see the work that is needed here. What I am saying is there is no end point, no place of no abuse in this world. That shouldn’t lead us to resignation but more inspiration that once you’re aware of one point of abuse, this is a time to be aware of the next and this is ongoing.

  10. So true Christina that it’s relatively easy to cut out the choices we know are obviously harmful to us. But after that, what next? We’re constantly being offered the opportunity to go deeper, to continuing refining what we choose so that we have even more awareness and can live greater levels of love.

  11. Saying no can be the most loving thing we do for ourselves and others. I can certainly relate to pushing myself to do something to please others in order to get recognition of the ‘well done’ or ‘thank you’ at the end, but it was often at a cost. Over time I have become more discerning but I can still get caught out particularly at work.

  12. I walk in nervous energy most of the time, even from my kitchen to my bathroom, never truly settled and in my body. This is something I have been experimenting with, walking me, gently, not walking nervous energy. I love watching Serge Benhayon walk, this is a marker for me. There’s a total surrender in his body, a completeness, an ease, he’s not fighting anything, and a joy. I have felt what it’s like to walk full of myself in absolute joy loving my body.

    1. Our love is an emanation that commands the body to follow in its wake. It is formlessness followed by form. This is how Serge Benhayon moves and by virtue of this reflection shows us that it is the true movement of us all.

  13. Well said. “I was gently reminded of the fact that my body is the greatest gift I have.” What I have been quite shocked about is the more I said no to things that hurt my body, the more it pushed other peoples buttons! Clearly it pushed mine too or I wouldn’t have been so sensitive to other peoples opinions but it would have been much easier to stay in the abusive behaviour that was seemingly normal life than to be a reflection that actually what we are choosing as pleasure and fun is actually hurting the greatest gift we have.

  14. It seems the more self loving choices we make the more abuse stands out, and the marker of what is and is not abuse starts to change, along with the depth of questioning. There is no point in berating ourselves in these moments because quite often there is so much healing on offer in these slip moments if we care to be honest with ourselves.

  15. “There is no difference whether it is jumping from a roof or talking to someone to ‘be nice’ when I truly do not feel like talking: they are both against the truth of my body, they both need a push to go there.” This is huge and I know the pushing through for recognition as well, but you are right everything we do against the true feeling of what to do and what not to do is abuse or at least it won’t do us good. It is key what we make our reference point in life: to be recognised or to be love.

  16. It is through our commitment to developing our relationship with the truth that we can break through the illusion of what we have called normal and once again reconnect to that innate quality within our bodies where we know what life is all about and that is to offer a true reflection of love and trust of the divine.

  17. It is pretty much relentless and all around in all we do, that people will like and reward us for what we do. We as a society pay no heed to quality – just looking all the time if the picture of what we see. But ultimately this never works, it doesn’t matter what special effects we use or tricks of light to make things look like they have moved – life always returns to the truth in our body. Whether we honor this now or admit it on our death bed, it is never too later to start to say no to the stunt jobs of so-called reality and say yes to care, love and tenderness in everything. Thank you Christina for sharing this precious blog.

  18. ‘There is no difference whether it is jumping from a roof or talking to someone to ‘be nice’ when I truly do not feel like talking: they are both against the truth of my body, they both need a push to go there.’ I was confronted with this ‘being nice’ during a photoshoot today, of course not the first time but to really feel what you are describing here, how it is abuse towards our bodies but also adding to the collective abuse women allow to enter their bodies is huge and requires an honesty and a willingness to see truth and how we all contribute to the abuse that is happening on this planet.

  19. I like the analogy of jumping off the roof being the same as any decision that is made without it feeling right in the body. We can often try to justify that some behaviour or choice is better than another or if we do it less often, it makes it ok. Any choices made without the body are like a poison and this builds up over time.

  20. Being hard, I can do it all, and independent is one of the many false versions of being a woman on offer in society. Perhaps this is a reaction to being treated as less, of not wanting to need anyone or ask for support. Whatever the reason, it does great harm, and takes us away from living as the precious woman we are. In fact, from my own experience you don’t even recognise these qualities in yourself, as the false veil wont let you see through it.

  21. There must first be a denial of our true self before we can push ourselves to prove we are anything other than such loveliness. This does not mean we have to walk slowly and softly but more so rediscover that there is a way we can move that honours this preciousness and does naught to abuse it.

  22. When we try and value ourselves only from what we do we totally dismiss our innate qualities that enhances and forms the foundations of all that we do.

  23. Trying to fit in and please others is path that is open to self-abuse. When we don’t honour what we want and how our bodies feel the choices we make can be harmful. Be it mild or extreme self abuse is still that.

  24. Living up to pictures as to what we should or can achieve as women mean that we can put ourselves under lots of pressure, putting our bodies into lots of disregard. This really does feel like self abuse. But it is up to us to bring gentleness and tenderness to ourselves and let go of those pictures.

  25. At he moment I’m working on my vulnerability, and trying to explore what that actually is for me, which I’m feel a similarity in what you have shared. For me I’m starting to see how much I have invested in being hard and capable of doing it all, emotionally and physically. This investment is like an actress that I have spent much time on showing everyone how great and capable she is. There is now a breaking down of the self created wall/actress that needs to occur for the true women to be seen. Building love and acceptance of myself feels to be the key to allowing this women to be seen.

  26. Being true to ourselves is a biggie – one I’m discovering the subtle ways of presenting its self. Very easy to fall for the little ways I give my power away for a moment of being good, approved of accepted, liked etc. The irony is that by ‘doing’ something is no confirmation that I’ll get the response I think I want even if I do the activity.

  27. This is a great understanding you share Christina: “I learned to stop acting from my mind and I began treating my body with respect, nurturing it with what it needs, instead of what brings the greatest pleasure”. Learning the difference between what my body needs and pleasure is a huge awareness. I know I have lived in a society that encourages choosing ’pleasures’ – considering this as being what is needed because it makes us happy. Time and my body has proven over again that happiness is very unsustainable, as is every pleasure I’ve experienced at the expense of my body.

  28. It is almost crazy what we are capable of with regards to disrespecting or dishonouring our bodies and how normalized it is… ‘why do I not think I am enough being me?’ is indeed the right question for in feeling ourselves as enough and the preciousness of who we are, it is impossible to not cherish the body that holds us.

  29. I agree Christina that abuse is happening to us every time we are not ourselves but live from what we are told to be instead. And when we do so we are not only abusing ourselves but everybody we are with equally as from the reflection we give them they are told that it is okay not be themselves and from that to allow abuse to enter their lives.

  30. What we each consider to be ‘right’, our values can be quite different from one person to the next. In the face of so-called ‘wrongs’, ‘right’ seems to be the only way out and I have totally been investing in being ‘right’ and ‘good’ myself, and I am also learning that ‘right’ is not truth and our body is the marker of truth that I have a very personal relationship with.

  31. ‘Why do I think I am not enough being me?’ – I had an experience of just being me this week whilst presenting to a group of about 100 people. What I felt was that in me being me, they were able to truly connect with what I was sharing with them. This has really supported me to understand that first and foremost, I am here to be me and all of me, not to try and be someone else, someone who attempts to please, someone who seeks the approval of others – but the amazing and glorious me – through whom true connection with others is made. How perfectly simple this is and how very beautiful it feels.

  32. It is so easy to be tricked with the idea that there are grades of being abusing to ourselves, and some things are not so bad. A great wake up call with your example and :” There is no difference whether it is jumping from a roof or talking to someone to ‘be nice’ when I truly do not feel like talking: they are both against the truth of my body, they both need a push to go there. One may seem more dramatic than the other, but there is no difference – they both feel horrible afterwards.” If I don’t just use my mind to grade the abuse, and if I check in with my body, yes they both feel horrible afterwards.

  33. It is easy to pick up on the big moments of self-abuse but the smaller momentary ones are less likely to be picked up on because they have become so ingrained in our lives. Just a small moment where we allow our mind to wander into judgement or sadness or thinking about something else while we are responding to this text means we are not being with ourselves and bringing all the love we are. The most loving thing we can choose is to hold ourselves in love and completely surrender when we realise this is happening, as the wayward spirit likes to wander off and not take responsibility for its choices. Every beautiful blog written with honesty is an opportunity to bring more awareness to the livingness of our lives and an opportunity to choose more love in the next moment.

  34. When we need to make a decision about anything, if the decision comes from our body then it will be the true one. If it comes from our mind it will not ultimately support us.

  35. Gosh how many of us want to be right? Usually it is when we are arguing with another person and we just know that we are the ones who are right. But in truth we are not usually right, no one is and when we focus on that, we never end up getting anywhere. So it is important to let it go, not go into ‘being right’, it isn’t bringing things back to a foundation of love.

  36. Going against ourselves is abusive – no matter what we try and guise it as, our bodies will always and ultimately show this to be the case.

    1. Beautifully and simply said Kylie – we can make elaborate stories to justify our choices, but at the end of the day, if our choices are not in line with our highest energetic state, with our Soul and the equality of Love we are all from, then we are in the abuse of choosing to disregard our essence. Living in the mind at the expense of the body is a good example of this.

  37. Thank you Christina. Your blog reminds me that I used to believe it was completely normal to abuse my body with food, alcohol and strenuous or harsh activities that caused me physical pain. Now I can feel how abusive it is to walk on a cold floor with bare feet. The more we fall in love with ourselves the less abuse we will accept.

    1. Hi Leonne, I do know that too, that from the building of love in my body it comes to a point where it just does not accept any abuse anymore and in that I have noticed that behaviors I used to do in the past, like your example of walking with bare feet on a cold floor, are now experienced as abuse and unacceptable for my body while it was completely normal and acceptable for me up to some years ago.

  38. I have learned that from building that lovely connection with my body there comes a point that this love in my body is so strong that it is not accepting any abuse to it anymore and from that I then make my choices in which it is impossible to be persuaded to do differently.

  39. The more women value the preciousness they are, the less they need to prove their worth by doing because they know that everything they do carries the value of who they are, regardless of what the task is or who is watching.

  40. What about the first paragraph of this article, I think I was shocked. They asked for someone to jump off a roof as a stunt? I am not saying this is strange or unbelievable but it is shocking in just the thought of it, let alone actually do it. I’m not a big fan of heights and doing something like that would take sometime to get my head around and I know I couldn’t go through with it. At the same time this is one part and there are plenty of other parts where I don’t literally jump off a roof but where I block or ignore a feeling that I have had to not go through with something. This may not have an obvious physical outplay but it’s still there and at times harder to explain or be aware of yourself. We are good and more comfortable with exposing the extremes like this roof one where I can say I wouldn’t do that and apparently feel better when in actual fact my roof jump would just be under a different heading and more subtle and truly no ‘better’.

  41. I did this the other day when I made myself walk to work which took me over an hour. I ‘thought’ I was being healthy and that it would be ‘good’ for me, but actually it was far too much for my body and I went into a push to do it. My body ached for days afterwards, and felt really hard. A real lesson in not deciding from my head what is good for me, but always listening to what my body is not ready for and what it truly needs in each moment.

  42. The abuse we allow on our bodies to either fit it with what society deems as normal or to push ourselves and our bodies through constant stress and tension for recognition or making things right by others is a form of holding back. Hence when we go into abuse or do something that the body does not appreciate we are not only hurting ourselves but also not offering a true representation of what love and deep care looks and feels like to others which keeps everyone locked in comfort and evolution and true growth is halted instantly. Bringing ourselves back by changing our movements and listening to how our body feels can instantly change this age old pattern and begin a new movement towards love and true care for all.

  43. The more the divine body is honoured and appreciated, the more we allow ourselves to feel the abuse. The deeper this connection becomes the brighter our sight is to see the tiniest of abuse.

  44. Self-abuse is a normal way of life for most of us, from the big stuff like team contact sports, to the little stuff like having caffeine all day just to be able to stay on top of things. There is another way though, and with self-care a new way of being and living is possible.

  45. “Trying to show how independent I was as a woman, somehow trying to prove that “I can do it!” How many times is it images that bring us to action to do what is not true to our beings? When we want to become the image, or to confirm the image, we do not really serve us.

    1. And yet how many of us question those pictures? I do now and ask myself ‘who am I cooking this for?’ But when in the belief that the thoughts I receive are mine then we live very blind. Feeling the body whiles these thoughts carry out I have found is the best truth scanner/radar.

  46. It was an incredible revelation when I stopped and felt the abuse I was doing to myself by ‘doing’ for others. There is no love in ‘right’, just as there is no love in ‘good’, to find love one must be in truth, then love is all that is lived.

  47. No matter what others may say, how they behave or what they think is the ‘right thing to do’, we each of us always have direct access to an inner compass that tells us what is true. If we choose to ignore it and pretend it does not exist then it is us who make ourselves the stunt dummies in all of this. We are only acting at being our true selves and can’t be surprised when we are hurt. The crazy thing is we use these sad experiences to ignore our senses in an even bigger way. Thank you Christina for calling for this acting out to be ‘cut’.

  48. How beautiful to be at a point in life where having made the jump, you could really feel how your body was. The communication of the body was loud and clear and no longer hidden, seemingly subtle and ignored. I spent much of my life pushing and pushing my body. Nowadays, when I do that it doesn’t take long before I realise the impact of the pushing and drive. I have built up so much love in my body that now when I push, it just doesn’t sit right with my body – whereas before it was simply how I lived and was my normal.

  49. It is incredible how insidious the need for recognition and rewards from the outside can motivate us to go absolutely in the opposite direction to what supports us to be in communion with our souls. ‘Fun’ is a classic excuse for anything goes and the body is left behind to pick up the pieces. I am so far from that now but still live so far from being in true connection with my soul every minute of the day it’s quite a shocker to really feel. But I do appreciate the steps towards this way of living as it is infinitely more than the life I lived before.

  50. ‘The abuse happens anytime we are not truly aware of ourselves and others. It happens anytime we are not living the true love we are.’ I love what you share here Christina, so many people can live in self-abuse and it is seen as quite normal and accepted by others such as playing any sports or drinking alcohol, or overeating etc. When we make a choice to build a loving connection to our body something we may have thought was ok in the past now sticks out as being abusive and to honour this feeling brings a deeper love and care for ourselves that offers a powerful reflection for others to feel.

  51. Having been exposed further to my own behaviour patterns it was very supportive to read that they are only there when we don’t take into account how our body feels to be in any given moment. It’s not that the abuse is stronger, just more repeated. And we can choose to feel and build on repeating that relationship instead.

  52. We do so many things, For so many people, for so many causes, accommodating everyone and everything except honouring the connection, as you say, Christina, with our own bodies

  53. Abuse is something that we all have to get a handle on, as it is so prevalent in our lives, whether we want to admit it or not. Anytime we go against our body we are abusing ourselves. Over time this takes an enormous toll on the human body so no wonder illness and disease figures are on the rise.

  54. I know this abuse so well, for many years I lived in a way that allowed ‘pleasing’ abuse. I’m now walking the path back to truth and feeling what harm I allowed to myself and others which isn’t always pleasant. My biggest learning is that I can not truly love another if I don’t live, express and walk truth.

  55. I feel that it is only unitl we embody a constant appreciation in our lives that we get to understand that anything that is not from love is abuse and therefore harming for our bodies and detrimental to our own evolution.

  56. “I can do it” has got me into loads of trouble before too, learning to treat my body like it’s precious has been revolutionary. We literally can’t exist without our bodies – so it makes no sense to abuse them…

  57. “There is no difference whether it is jumping from a roof or talking to someone to ‘be nice’ when I truly do not feel like talking: they are both against the truth of my body, they both need a push to go there.” On the surface there may seem to be a million miles between these 2 examples, and for me too a few years ago this was the case. But now, after reconnecting to my natural way of living – letting my body lead the way – I completely agree that they feel the same to my body. There isn’t a sliding scale of abuse where one abuse is more or less than another. There is just abuse. It’s either abuse or its Love, so if it’s not Love, it’s abuse. The mind doesn’t like this truth, but the body celebrates it.

  58. ‘independent, not needing anyone’, oh yes, this was me, I would and could do everything alone, I held the titles of super-mum and super-women, and prided in that, yet I was always feeling exhausted and not good enough. Thankfully that can no longer hold in my body, through the many lifestyle changes I have made to be more self-loving and self-nurturing and appreciating all that I bring.

  59. Defeating pleasure – indulgence – is surely one of the most challenging of tasks on a plane of life where the physical and material are exalted above all else.

  60. What I am finding to be very cool at the moment, is the more I am are aware of myself and how I move the more opportunities play out for me to see where I can go deeper with my connection and where the abuse outplays. The more we listen and observe our bodies and how we live the more we uncover about ourselves and how much love we are willing to surrender to or hold back. Life is for learning and deepening our expression to reveal the true divinity within.

  61. I always used to want to say yes to anything anyone asked of me but now see if I 1st am not supporting myself then I cannot support another. However I used to think saying no would hurt the other person and I should say yes to help them but now see how sometimes helping someone is not always what is needed and can actually make things worse for them because they then do no get to fully see the consequences of their actions – cushioning how much we may think it helps I have found it the long run generally it means nothing changes.

  62. Great blog Christina – I can see how accepting abuse in one area allows abuse from other directions too. When I allow someone to be condescending for example I’m more likely to want to eat food that my body doesn’t want or need.

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