Self-abuse Under the Umbrella of Making it Right

Just the other day I was asked to do an action stunt whilst shooting a movie – they wanted me to jump off a roof. Of course, everything was done to be safe. But what did I do?

I used to push myself and my body really hard all my life, living in the belief that “I am strong, I can do that, and I’ll make it without any help.” Trying to show how independent I was as a woman, somehow trying to prove that “I can do it!”

My body was quite hard, battle-scarred, like a warrior’s body. It had survived a life of numerous car, motorcycle, and sports accidents and injuries. All because I’ve always wanted to be that little step ahead, to be seen as the woman who can do it all… independent, not needing anyone, being respected because I could handle anything.

As I know today, this is a condition many women have been trapped in for their whole lives.

A serious car accident in 2007, in which I nearly died, was a huge turning point for me. It offered me a chance to make changes to my life and attitudes – to start feeling into my body and looking after it with care and love. I opened up to me, which finally brought me to Universal Medicine in 2011. For over four years now I have been studying The Way of The Livingness, which has supported me to increase my awareness a lot.

I learned to stop acting from my mind and I began treating my body with respect, nurturing it with what it needs, instead of what brings the greatest pleasure. I was gently reminded of the fact that my body is the greatest gift I have.

I explored the possibility that my body knows everything (!) – when a rest is needed, which food it needs, which exercise, how often to go for a walk and how to walk more gently. How it senses the world and navigates me through life like a compass, through every mood that others are in and are communicating with.

Every need it has, and all the love I have in me, my body expresses with beauty and grace – far beyond any demands or expectations. In short, it is my pure and solid partner.

I learned to shift my behaviors from choosing what was cool to have, fancy to be, or yummy to eat, into: feel first what to eat, which words are truly needed to say, and what I am really to do, and that being connected with my body is the real deal!

So, after having stopped making obvious destructive choices such as motorcycling, heavy partying and pushing my body hard, which only led to my body being in pain, I started being more caring and self-loving. With this, more hidden choices of self-abuse showed up… like eating food that did not agree with me, or too much food, or not resting when my body was tired etc.

So I started working on this and deepening my awareness of what this sensitive vehicle really needs. But still, when I was asked the other day at work to do the stunt, I found myself crossing that border again. I pushed my body again very hard to get the result that was needed. And so – I jumped.

Everyone was happy that they got good pictures and I had ‘fun’ doing it. But what had truly happened?

I was shocked when I took a rest to feel how my body felt. I was shocked by how I am automatically used to abusing my body instead of treating it with love: how deeply conditioned I am to the “I can do it” attitude. It came in again in seconds!

And the need to get the recognition for having it done ‘right’ – something that brought me back to my childhood years when I started to fulfil what was needed in order to get recognition or acceptance for who I am by what I do! A lifetime of feeling I have to prove that I am good and worth it, that I can do it, that people can rely on me. I would have done anything.

After that roof-jump, I could feel how much my body did hurt and that I needed to rest for days. It took me a week to be able to walk gently again because every part of my body was in pain. I then started to question very deeply: why did I fall back into “I can do it”? Why do I put outside demands in front of respecting me? Why do I think I am not enough being me?

I got to the point that I recognised that whenever I do something that is not truly felt to be right from my body – I am abusing myself. There is no difference whether it is jumping from a roof or talking to someone to ‘be nice’ when I truly do not feel like talking: they are both against the truth of my body, they both need a push to go there. One may seem more dramatic than the other, but there is no difference – they both feel horrible afterwards.

Understanding this is my key to truly ask and feel the body first – and listen to the answer on the inside. To not put other people’s demands, or my own beliefs of how I think that I have to be, ahead of how I truly feel to act. This uncovered the evil held under the umbrella of ‘making it right’ for me. The only truthful ‘making it right’ is to feel first and let love be the fuel that runs my engine. No more, or less.

To me Serge Benhayon made the step of speaking up for true love, an inconvenient way to talk or express sometimes. Not everyone likes to hear words of truth and love because it’s confronting to what is seen as normal.

Even though there is a lot of illusion around what is normal, there is a way of reconfiguring the ‘normal’ to stop the constant abuse we are all in. The abuse happens anytime we are not truly aware of ourselves and others. It happens anytime we are not living the true love we are. Nowhere else outside of Universal Medicine was I ever reflected this truth before, to which my inner heart responds without doubt.

By Christina Hecke, Actress, Berlin, Germany

Further Reading:
Your Body The Truth
Abuse – My Understanding So Far
Listening To My Body And Honouring My feelings

1,097 thoughts on “Self-abuse Under the Umbrella of Making it Right

  1. “The abuse happens anytime we are not truly aware of ourselves and others. It happens anytime we are not living the true love we are.” – To me, this is the definition of true responsibility, and is so simple, yet we all seem to resist it in order to stay in the comfort of being able to do whatever we want, when we want to. However, I have noticed just how easy it is for things to spin out of control into disregarding behaviours when I do not stay with my body and honour what it is needing at any given time.

  2. We have normalised abuse in the world, it’s a movement away from love that is causing so much misery, separation and pain for countless people.

  3. By getting it ‘right’ we get it all so very ‘wrong’ as we are lured by the false sense of achievement that comes from forsaking what is true.

  4. Women are pushing themselves more and more wanting to prove that they can do what men do or even out do them. But what are we doing to our bodies, we are delicate fragile and tender and loving, so we are going against our natural way of being. I think it was great you were able to feel your body Christina and feel the harm you were doing to yourself and be aware of how long it actually took to recover from the roof jump.

  5. As women when we go through life taking it on as a battle and in warrior mode we will always be effectively fighting and resisting our innate nature to nurture and love ourselves and others equally.

  6. I love how you describe the body being a compass by which we can navigate through life. Our body is made up of particles of the universe so will always be obedient to the universe’s flow. When I consider what I allow myself to be directed by – hopes, fears, other people’s wishes, dreams etc. – if not coming from love then it is all creating more harm to then feel the consequences of on an individual and global level.

  7. “I recognised that whenever I do something that is not truly felt to be right from my body – I am abusing myself.”
    This is a very simple and practical truth and easy to live by and recognise when one is abusing the opportunity that living in a body gives a person.

  8. The fear of getting it wrong was something that dogged my footsteps since early childhood and became an insidious pattern of numbing out from my body and holding back and closing down my expression. From attending presentations by Serge Benhayon, the harm and abuse this has caused throughout my life was finally (and thankfully) exposed. Re-connection with my body continues to bring greater awareness of what is not true for my body and to be able to say NO.
    “I got to the point that I recognised that whenever I do something that is not truly felt to be right from my body – I am abusing myself”.

  9. “To not put other people’s demands, or my own beliefs of how I think that I have to be, ahead of how I truly feel to act.” now this is one of the things that I have nearly mastered yet still from time to time put what I think someone will think ahead of the truth.

  10. Such a great blog to read again, I can feel your dedication to truth and really making sustained changes, very inspiring.

  11. What I have noticed is that we change our ways when things force you too and as soon as the pressure is off or the spot light shifts I often will just revert back to old ways that brought up the issue in the first place!!! So arrogant!

  12. We take on many roles in life and run with them without questioning if they truly serve us or humanity. These ideals and beliefs can be ingrained in how we move to the point where we will not question where they are taking us. This is how many different levels of abuse can exist in our lives without us even knowing it, and only when we start to look at our choices do we see that there are many different layers of abuse.

    1. Beautifully said Julie abuse happens under our noses just because this is what we all do etc rather then truly consciously choosing a way of living.

  13. “Understanding this is my key to truly ask and feel the body first – and listen to the answer on the inside. To not put other people’s demands, or my own beliefs of how I think that I have to be, ahead of how I truly feel to act.” I have had a pattern of giving myself away to what others want which I am learning to break with more love and respect for how my body is feeling, just the other day I was tempted to give in to others instead of feeling my body, I had the space to really feel and honour my body by not going there.

  14. Great expose of how we abuse our bodies which can be overriding them in a physical way or being ‘nice’ to someone when we don’t feel like talking and just want to be. This is a continuing lesson for me but I can appreciate how I no longer abuse my body by drinking alcohol, smoking or saying yes when I truly want to say no. This to was with the support and teachings of Universal Medicine.

    1. It’s a big leap for most to see physical abuse of poisoning yourself with drugs like coffee, alcohol etc as the same as being nice but it makes perfect sense when you take it back to energy and the body as it causes us pain to move in a way that is contra to the flow of life and being nice is definitely not in the flow of what is true.

  15. The ‘I can do it’ syndrome is incredibly pernicious, and pervasive in our society… Especially in men… Possibly? There is so much that we have taken on that makes this habit or pattern sometimes seem so much a part of us. It is essential that it is written about and understood so that the release of this destructive old paradigm can start.

  16. “there is a way of reconfiguring the ‘normal’” The more that we and the more all of us live and move in a way that is honouring of our body the more the ‘normal’ will be a loving way to be.

  17. It amazes me how easily I will jump into an old pattern that I thought was done and dusted! It’s humbling really as it shows we are continually learning and often running with an ill energy.

  18. It is often when we wonder why we did something extreme and abusive to ourselves and then we notice that it is the every day little simple things where we do the same that allow for that build up to a more extreme showcase of the abusive behaviour. And it is in working on the little everyday ones that will support to say no in the ‘big’ ones.

    1. Yeah very good point Lieke it is the small seemingly not so ‘bad’ abuses – an unkind thought, a controlling thought, that we just let slide that end with much greater and more obvious abuses shouting, yelling etc. It is attending to the little micro that takes care of the macro.

  19. Such a great point; ‘the abuse happens anytime we are not truly aware of ourselves and others. It happens anytime we are not living the true love we are.’ So it is our responsibility to be all that we are and not hold it back so we are not abusing ourselves and others.

  20. ‘I used to push myself and my body really hard all my life, living in the belief that “I am strong, I can do that, and I’ll make it without any help.” Trying to show how independent I was as a woman, somehow trying to prove that “I can do it!”’ It’s funny really for one of the most healing and gracefully humbling moments of one’s life is when we put our hand out and ask for support from our fellow man.

    1. Absolutely when we are willing to say I haven’t got this all together and can just let the guards down is when we are vulnerable and incredibly beautiful and strong.

  21. We have been trained to push and abuse our body first, and ask questions later. We need not wait for distaster to strike to reconfigure our life to nurture ourselves first. Thank you Christina.

  22. I don’t think there would be one person who could not relate to doing actions to either be ‘good’ or be ‘liked’. If the action is not from truth or evolution then one would have to question what we are moving for and why…

  23. Needing to be ‘right’ in fear of getting it ‘wrong’ is a defence we use in order to not feel, express, breathe and thus live, all that is true.

  24. I remember going back to heavy lifting (out of sympathy for a worker) after having started to treat my body with much more care and respect and it hurt a lot, and for days! And I can still at times just drop that one little notch in my self-care but feel the effect immediately now rather than pushing through, trying to do, fix and impress others.

  25. ” Just the other day I was asked to do an action stunt whilst shooting a movie – they wanted me to jump off a roof. ”
    When reading this , I want to say ” you want me to do what “

  26. We buy into images of ‘independence’ and let them walk us to wherever they walk us. The images we buy of ‘independent’ are not just any image but ones that suit us and that make sense to us given our previous pattern of movement. In other words, all we are doing is to adopt an image to become ‘independent’ as a means to become even more dependent of the pattern of movement underneath the selection of the image. Just another way to keep going in the same pattern while we try ourselves to convince ourselves that this is something new to bring change into our life.

  27. Being the superwoman who can do it all in life is such a trap as it is often at the expense of our tender and precious bodies and against our innate sacred essence.

  28. I feel we are so conditioned from young not to have any consideration for our bodies what so ever, and usually it’s not until a serious accident or illness brings us to a halt and we are given an opportunity to re-evaluate our lives.
    I have found that The Way of The livingness introduced by Serge Benhayon has supported me to develop an awareness with my body, I have started to take more care of it and therefore me, and when I go back into the drive to get things done, how quickly my body shows me that I can no longer do this. I am beginning to appreciate and understand just how sensitive our bodies are and just how disrespectful and abusive I have been with my body.

  29. ‘There is no difference whether it is jumping from a roof or talking to someone to ‘be nice’ when I truly do not feel like talking: they are both against the truth of my body, they both need a push to go there. One may seem more dramatic than the other, but there is no difference – they both feel horrible afterwards.’ Absolutely Christina – there is no difference – while jumping for a roof may be easier to spot as going against the truth of the body, not expressing our truth and substituting what is true for ‘good and nice’ can be worse, as they cannot be faulted unless one is discerning of energy.

  30. I love how you have uncovered the fact – the truth – that self-abuse can be very subtle, acts that we have come to accept as normal. But how wonderful that when you began to let go of the bigger forms of abuse that there waiting underneath were many more layers waiting to be healed. And as you say so wisely, and a great reminder for us all, abuse “happens anytime we are not living the true love we are.”.

  31. “The abuse happens anytime we are not truly aware of ourselves and others. It happens anytime we are not living the true love we are.” . . . Saying no to abuse is simply staying connected and listening to what feels true for us. It is not allowing the ‘outside world’ to dictate who we are.

  32. “I got to the point that I recognised that whenever I do something that is not truly felt to be right from my body – I am abusing myself” – this is a powerful realisation to have, one that has the potential to change one’s life forever.

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