Our grandson is turning 2 next month, and until yesterday he had a dummy. He had several actually, often at the same time. Sometimes he would walk around with one in each hand, one in his mouth and swap them around, as if somehow one of them could give him more than the one he already had. He is very expressive, but would speak with the dummy in his mouth so that we could not understand him, and when we asked him to take it out so we could hear what he was saying, he would get upset.
Our grandson was very attached to his dummies, and this was one of the few things we could use to discipline him, as he cared about them so deeply. He would get very agitated if he could not find his dummy, and at night, if he fell asleep and the dummy fell out of his mouth, its absence would wake him up.
We wondered how we were ever going to wean him off them.
Yesterday, he was playing around being his cheeky little self and throwing the dummy on the floor. He had been doing this quite a bit and he was down to his last dummy, as several had been thrown in the bin. We told him that if he did it again, we would put his last dummy in the bin. He did it again. His father calmly stood up, picked up the dummy and placed it in the bin. His mother and I gasped. His grandfather stood firm. He was in shock for a bit, then started screaming. This went on for a while.
He was put to bed, comforted and held, and the screaming went on for a while longer, until he finally fell asleep. We thought we were in for a wild night, but once he fell asleep, he slept soundly, and woke in the morning, shining and bright.
He came out to share a cup of tea with me and when the rubbish truck came, we went outside to watch it pick up the rubbish, with his dummy in it. He was so different. There was a calmness, an ease about him. Gone was the anxiousness, the plaintive wailing, the demanding, the insatiable desire for something to put in his mouth, whether it be food, drink or the dummy.
He was so expressive, chatting away clearly and interacting happily. It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow. He went to day care for the day, and when it was time for his afternoon nap, there was no dummy. He giggled and said: “Daddy threw it in the bin!,” then went to sleep. No fuss. He had just let it go.
I learnt a few lessons from all of this.
Firstly, love is not always what we think it is. In these days of ‘helicopter’ parenting (parents who hover over their kids, attending to their every whim and desire), we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.
Secondly, we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes. I felt he was actually wanting to get rid of the dummy, but did not know how to do it. It had become a burden for him, and getting rid of it has created an enormous sense of spaciousness and ease in his body.
Thirdly, we can use anything in an addictive way, even a bit of brightly coloured plastic. Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on. And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?
Fourthly, children are amazing, and we can learn so much from them. Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth. We can listen to and honour these markers of what is and is not true… or not. When a child “acts up”, what are they communicating to us?
I love that I live with our daughter and grandson and get to witness and be part of raising another child, having learnt some lessons the hard way while raising my own.
I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from.
Published with permission of my family.
By Anne Malatt, grandmother, eye surgeon, Richmond Hill, Australia
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
The Purpose of Parenting
The Beauty of Meeting Children and Allowing Them to Be
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Yet how much do we presume there is an age to do things? I have found we also have a fear of the behaviour being bad and us not being able to cope that comes in when we consider supporting another to let go of their pacifier (child or adult!)
Yeah could there be a right time for everything and that time is not age related, but related to that particular person’s evolution and what is right for them in their life.
What you share about being able to use anything as a dummy is very true! Attachments, pacifiers and coping mechanism are a teenage and then an adult thing too. How much simpler would it be to deal with the issue at hand, rather than pacify or comfort ourselves, learn resilience but never really deal with what the hurt or issue was in the first place?!
This blog is such a delight to read. It brings greater understanding as to how toddlers communicate when they are ready to step up and make changes in their life and how we, as adults can support them to do this.
It is so gorgeous to observe children – especially babies and see how they do not take anything on. And as you say here – their bad behaviour is usually reflective of what we are not doing or behavior that is not true.
I feel a bit like that with certain food choices or behaviours that I have grown out of and am ready to give up. I might metaphorically cry or react for a day or two but then afterwards the space, freedom and increased vitality is sooooo worth it!
How different things would be within families if we were to understand that often ‘bad behaviours’ are children’s way of “letting us know what is not true”. A constant barometer in the home for living truth!
I often look at children with dummies and I wonder what are they sucking in , they can spend most of the day and as described in this writing even when they talk its in their mouth. I always get the impression it stops the breathing that will support them and they are gasping for air.
“we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.”
There is a deep honoring in actually following through with what you say, for both the child and yourself. You teach the child respect, and at the same time responsibility. Two fundamental foundations to all human interactions.
It feels really beautifull that you all live together and you are right we can all learn so much from this. I also agree as soon as I read the part ‘throwing the dummy on the floor. He had been doing this quite a bit and he was down to his last dummy,’ It felt like he was wanting to let go of this now but not knowing how to do it so on some level asking for help. Even if we find it hard to express love always finds a way to support us 💕
Yes and there is no need for words – I have found we can read the actions, read the body and you get all the communication you need!
This is simply awesome Anne and shows that no matter what age we are, we can let go of something and move forward in our own time and it is us who can hold them and support them to bring through a greater understanding for their choices made, by simply allowing them to just be. What a gorgeous reflection this holds for all. Thank you.
What an inspirational blog this is Anne, and what a wonderful opportunity for reflection your grandson has given you and all of us. When we have attachments to anything – whether they are people, animals, places or objects, we do not allow the flow that is there to offer us so much more for ourselves and for everyone else.
Helicopter parenting is a pretty telling phrase. I see it a lot with parents and I can see how the kids clock this – they react to their parents reactions. So then what are we teaching our kids? To me this is not love and I feel blessed to be able to read my toddler and not react to her – but talk to her as I would an adult and see the bigger picture.
What struck me when reading your blog Anne was the calmness and steadiness of the boys father in following through with throwing the dummy in the bin. Following through an action expressed in love and truth is such a key to parenting. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
Thank you Anne, I had a moment reading where I realised in my own way I too can experience the “anxiousness, the plaintive wailing, the demanding, the insatiable desire”. For me it’s often around pictures of how I falsely believe life needs to be or should be, then the internal chaos starts. Your two year old grandson is an inspiring example of the power of letting go, thank you.
‘Firstly, love is not always what we think it is.’ I love the simple truth shared in this line Anne, too many people live with a version of love that’s emotional and based on need rather than supporting another to truly evolve.
Gorgeous Anne – what a profound example of love and that is being expressed and has consequences, but clearly not in pain or reaction, but from absolute understanding of what is true and needed. That to me is absolute love.
Allowing another the space to be and evolve at their own pace is true love, even if that means that it takes them years/ lives in misery and discomfort to come back to the essence of who they truly are.
When we truly start to observe life all around us ,we can learn so much from the smallest things… like a dummy ! ☺
Being humble enough to learn from our children is a sign of great wisdom.
What you have shared Anne has great value for us all, adults and children alike. Anything that was once evolutionary for us can easily become a comfort, attachment or addiction, hindering our development, if we do not continue to grow, let go and expand with the evolution that is always on offer.
We can attach ourselves to all manner of things to avoid our true expression. We often times are aware of these but sometimes we need a nudge from a friend or even a firm hand, as in the case here, to allow us what it takes to really let go and free ourselves from the restrictions we have moulded our comfort around.
I love what you are saying here Anne about never getting in the way of another’s next evolutionary step. This is a huge part of what it is to love and care of another.
There is so much that so many can learn from so few words… consequences, responsibility, and true love… thanks Anne.
Breaking through the illusion of what emotional love allows us to understand the truth and power we hold when we live from an open heart and we can allow and hold another in space for them to be who they are and evolve at their own pace just by receiving our reflection as a marker of truth.
A wonderful reminder that life is full of amazing lessons and often children are our teachers. I have had the joy of living just up the path from two of my grandchildren for all of their lives and boy have I learnt so much from them. They have had me squirming at their honesty at times but after the initial shock of what has been delivered I am always ready to listen and appreciate the lesson that I had been given. Our children may be small in stature but they are big in wisdom; it’s up to us to honour that and be open to listen and to learn.
“And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?”
I can feel the choice to be stuck in the loop of dependency for certain things. It is simply an excuse of not wanting to evolve. Your grandson was supported to take the step, when we are older we have the responsibility to initiate these for ourselves. By connecting to true purpose this can offer all the support and loving guidance required to take any step.
Gorgeous blog Anne! The family is a source of great and real education . . . and humour!
This is very beautiful. Not only your grandson was able to let go of his dummy, but your whole family had an experience of how true love would look when it comes to parenting and allow us to be open to observe and learn so the entire family evolve and now you sharing it with us all – we all evolve. We indeed are all in this together.
I love this article and all the work wisdom that pours from it. Thank you Anne.
Beautiful Anne, thank you so much! What a magnificent blog , example of how we can be with things we need to break through in life, and showing us that there is a very deep love in true discipline. From this example I know that love can be very different that I would have imagined to be.
Reading this you can see how we as adults can transfer our insecurities onto the child by having a picture of how they may or may not react, and then hold a tension waiting for the tantrum to start. Also having learnt the hard way whilst bringing up my children, it is easy to see that too much emotion clearly never helps any situation, and feeling guilty for saying no is a belief that we could well do without.
I love this blog and the symbol the dummy offers us all Anne. Reading your words today it’s clear to me that even having issues and difficulties in the first place is a huge distraction to me being me. I don’t actually have the problems I think I do, and whilst I might kick up a fuss at first when this is pointed out – the easiness and flow that comes through is beautiful to feel. These dummies we have are all just a way to avoid our natural power.
Adults acting childish, when, it is used in a reactive way, like the over reacting saying of throwing the baby out with the bathwater doesn’t do Justice to really acting childish! Your actions with the dummy have shown how expanding, small things we let go of and the large effects they have. Maybe, we need to act a bit more childish more often. We can leave things that are holding us back and just move on and have a little fun!
Often it is us adults who cannot let go of the measures we have put in place to support our children, even when these measures are clearly not supportive anymore. Children, when given the space, are remarkably ok with letting go as long as they do not sense the attachment on the adult’s behalf. Great example Anne!
Yes, children are often so much readier than adults to move on from habits, attachments, patterns etc.
Children are amazing as you say Anne and we can learn so much from them from their ways of playing and how they interact with others to things that may be upsetting or disturbing them. When we hold others with love and allow them the space to be it is awesome what we can learn. Thank you Anne.
I love that when something that we are using as a crutch is truly let go of… spaciousness and ease is left in it’s place to confirm the choice to discard what is no longer needed and a place for something more to be. A great and inspirational reminder in the beauty of choosing to evolve.
Love can come in many different expression,it is selfless, for the all and absolutely honouring and appreciative of the truth of a persons essence and gentle. I am a parent and I am learning that I need to hold authority, be sure and not tolerate some behaviours, while begin gentle, (not weak…gentle) it is important that I be role model and be responsible.
Whenever someone criticised my mum for letting me have a dummy as a child, she would ask them why it was okay for them to have a glass of alcohol as a comfort or relaxer, and yet it was wrong for me to have a dummy. As I have grown up I can see the logic in what she said, but in both cases be it adult or child what has to be considered is why it is the pacifier that is needed.
I have had many dummies of my own over the years which have ended up in the bin when the time was right and one or two that I am still clinging on to that it is time went to their rest in the dump truck.
This is a beautiful piece of writing Anne, filled with so much wisdom and understanding. When I come back as a little bubba with dummy mania, I’d like to have a grandmother like you!
Trusting that everyone gets what they need is a great way to not get involved in other peoples stuff. If i think I know what another person needs then it is just a way of not dealing with my own life and how could i possible know what another person needs?
Children have a wisdom that I have forgotten. I realize that I may have learned more from my children then they have learned from me.
“Firstly, love is not always what we think it is.” This is so true I am having all my parenting ideals thrown in the bin at the moment. Helicopter and Lawnmower ( preparing and preventing any obstacles for the kids before it happens) parenting is not only disabling our kids it is extremely harmful to the parents as well.
“Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on.” – Too true, we can be very creative when it comes to ways and means of holding back, distracting ourselves or avoiding something!
And we use a lot of energy doing this, rather than simply surrendering to what every moment has to offer in terms of learning and growing.
Wonderful insights! I will think of these lessons as I try to wean my daughter of her own “devices” haha! Thank you!
Beautifully shared Anne, I know of more adults than children that would have tantrums if there comforts were taken away. This blog highlights how the comforts in our lives keep us stuck in a contraction that holds us back from truly evolving – time for me to examine anything I am holding onto to and place in the rubbish bin as well.
I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from. I love the inclusiveness of this Anne, all of us are here to support and hold each other in love, with a little nudge here and there, whether work mates, acquaintances, friends or strangers, by listening, honouring and allowing space for changes at just the right time.
I think often about the damage of helicopter parenting, and I admire those parents who are able to trust enough to let their child explore and interact with others and with their world. It must be a real challenge to stand up against a screaming child yet I guess doing so is how they grow and evolve into responsible people and a real mark of offering true love.
“…we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” – and we do not need to know. We can support them if they need it but the greatest support for them is us living our own evolutionary path.
“we can use anything in an addictive way, even a bit of brightly coloured plastic” and we learn it from very young that distraction is the way to go when we feel uncomfortable. But instead we should learn to stop and feel, even more, as only when we are, in the true sense of the word, ‘with’ ourselves can we know what is going on for us and the next step will naturally unfold.
I like what you are calling out here, that we often do to another to keep our own peace. So parenting starts very much with ourselves, When we are willing to let go of our own comfort we will know what steps to take with ourselves and our children.
I love what you are saying here Matilda, that what we admire in another too does live in ourselves, we simply haven’t given it the time and dedication it deserves.
I am inspired by how this example of true parenting is firm but equally without any judgement or control what so ever. It is still holding the child in absolute love for who they are and respecting their choices whilst still knowing that some of their behaviours are simply not coming from them.
I could so feel the blessing of the ‘cycle’ of life in your beautiful words Anne: ‘I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from.’ I am re-experiencing being with my daughter who now has her own daughter and the depth of love and understanding of our communication and expression with each other is quite wonderful to observe and be part of.
It is incredible to build relationships based on openness, respect, love and a willingness to learn together. The cross-generation connections are an inspiration and gift for all of us.
It is actually so simple to let go and grow. But we put barriers in the way to hold us back and what I have come to realise is that it takes more energy to keep me
Small then to let the natural
Path of progression occur. For example if I hold onto a food that no longer supports me – my body has to give me a cold or a sore tummy to get the message across. But if I let the food go when I know it’s no longer needed, then it is so simple and my body feels a lot lighter.
Thank you Anne. This story has helped me let go of a few things and bring much more understanding to myself when I discover I am using behaviours and patterns that don’t support me.
“love is not always what we think it is” – this is a big one to crack! On growing up, I used to think love was when you had a crush on a boy or when your heart felt tight in your chest because this is what everyone else told me love was! But wow, that was certainly NOT love at all, just an emotional roller coaster or a ride that numbed me from feeling what love really is. It took me a long time to realise and learn that Love actually has nothing what so every to do with emotions, in fact if there is any emotion involved then you know it is not about love. Love is a quality, a being, and in most cases it asks you to be very strong in the most gentlest of ways, so that you can lay clear boundaries, say no and do just what is needed to truly support and love another as well as yourself. And this is just the beginning…
I like your description of ‘helicopter’ parenting Anne, and your blog reminds me that love is not pandering, imposing or nice but firm, steady, strong and so absolute.
Wow this just seriously shows how easy evolution can be when there is no resistance in the way.
Yes, the dummy could be quite convenient for both parties – the parents don’t need to hear things they don’t want to and the child does not risk a backlash for its expression.
I find the ability of small children to be incredibly open and loving on the one side and to have quite sophisticated and successful strategies on the other side quite fascinating.
Ha ha, I love this comment Christophe – it goes to show that no one, no matter what age, is an innocent little being…We all know exactly what we are doing.
‘Firstly, love is not always what we think it is. In these days of ‘helicopter’ parenting (parents who hover over their kids, attending to their every whim and desire), we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ Beautifully expressed. I understand that with a lot of parenting many parents feel guilty for not being able to give their kids as much attention as they feel is needed and so try to overcompensate by indulging. I have learned how important it is for my children to understand the consequences of their choices. If they do not then I have disempowered them and am sowing the seed of allowing irresponsibility. Letting this pass is not only damaging to the child, who is allowed to be self unaware, but is ultimately damaging for society as more young adults are raised believing they are entitled and owed.
‘Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth.’ This sentence reminds us of the importance of reading situations and bringing a deeper understanding to others ‘bad-behaviours’ and this can be applied to all ages.
It is remarkable how the whole family was on the same page and simply supported this next step. And it shows how easy life flows when we allow for what is next to unfold.
So true Esther. Children can read adults like a book and if they sense that someone will give in to them they will make sure it happens! When a family of any sort unites in love it is hugely supportive and anyone who does not choose that love is made starkly aware of their choices and the impact they have.
Children never cease to amaze me, and like you Anne I was living with some of my family and a small child and it is a blessing to watch a child develop as you mention. How much wisdom does a small have? This points to the fact that we carry with us much wisdom from many past lives.
“When a child “acts up”, what are they communicating to us?” This is such a great question and if we respond in this way, rather than berating the child, we are being given a great opportunity to learn something and in the process deepen our relationship with the person and ourselves.
This story is so symbolic of what we can all go through even as adults – we can spit the dummy so to speak, we can resist growth and want to stay in our comforts. And then with the loving support and a nudge from a friend or family member, it can be just the thing that supports us to let go of the old and embrace the new, which really is not new, but is simply our return to a way of being that is natural and normal with its levels of responsibility that are forever deepening.
Thank you Henrietta, I had to smile at “spit the dummy”. It’s very true, I see this also when people don’t want to move out of an old, familiar way of being into new territory, there is clinging, wailing, resistance….and then they glide into it. The fight we put up to prevent the new is really the only hard part.
I think I have attached and let go to many dummies in life. All the things that reward me and soothe me and allow me bear the tension of not living who I truly am in life.
Great appreciation of how children can inspire and teach us when we are willing and humble enough to listen, see and hear. Thank you Anne and Lucinda.
Letting ourselves see behind our behaviours and those of others can bring us to a whole new level of understanding that means we can support and guide rather than react and admonish. I love this article.
We could liken a dummy to anyone of our needs. I have let go of the need to have children and the spaciousness and freedom this brings is amazing – in my body, life, thoughts, the way I teach, how I interact with kids, to my partner, family, to other women, girls, in relationships – not to mention the vast space and freedom in my body that’s opened up, and my movements have completely changed.
Children show us how simple it is to let things go and drop behaviours that do not serve us. For sure, we might feel strange initially, and we can fight it like your grandson initially Anne, but when we know it to be true, he showed how easy it is to simply move forwards and let it go. It felt a joyful release as he watched it taken away in the dustcart, we can do the same when we let go of something that has been holding us back. When I have done this, I wonder why ever I took so long because it seems so easy as he has proved.
I am yet again inspired and amazed by the liberation of letting go of ill patterns and habits that have felt comforting simply because of their familiarity. The initial steps without them can be a bit unsteady but there is always a sense of a lightened load.
A child lets go of a dummy and adults hold on for life times! What an interesting take on an adult knows better!
Anne what you have shared is gold, it shows me that any ideal or belief can be thrown out at any point in our life. When we throw out any old rubbish that we have lived with the blessing to our life is immense.
It’s great to see whole generations of families working together in this way. So often you see a power struggle in these type of situations or people overrunning the other one but this isn’t the case here. What you have all done and brought to us all is how we can all be and work together for what ever is needed. In this case there was more to see then just a young person with a dummy and you together have each brought a part to support and expose the where to next in this. This and how it was done has supported all of your family as you can see and feel. A great model for us all.
A great example of true love and the evolution it offers.
We have a saying in English that describes someone who is having a tantrum or a major reaction about something as someone who is ” spitting the dummy”, in other words they take the symbolic dummy out of their mouth and say what they actually feel. Unfortunately it often comes from an explosive energy of having stayed quiet about things for a long time and then suddenly they cannot do that and it all comes out in one big explosive reaction. Getting rid of the dummy, whatever that might represent in our life is a really great thing but we need to do it without reaction.
Firm love the best parenting tool.
I agree that when children are misbehaving or ‘acting up’ so often we don’t read the situation fully but only react to it and seek to solve it or quell it. Really reading your children which includes feeling energetically what is actually going on and the full picture is so important for truly harmonious relationships in a family and for me as a parent has been an absolute lifesaver for me and for my children!
There is so much Unity and Love felt in this blog it was a joy to read. Thank you.
I love how this story shows us that if we do things in right timing then giving up something or accept something has come to an end does not have to be a struggle. Listening to the signals that the body is giving us helps us to know when the time is right to make changes.
I would love to give your blog to all new parents, to often we pander and give in to a child when in truth, like what you have shown, real love is not about giving in and rolling over, it is about standing strong and being firm in Love.
Brilliant comment Ariana. And the reason we do put dummies and food into our children’s mouths when they grizzle is because we can’t bear to hear the grizzle, observe it and feel it and what is needed. And why can’t we bear to hear the grizzle because it activates the same grizzle, hurt, that we are still carrying within us from the past, having not made it conscious and choose to deal with it.
I love this story of your grandson letting go of his dummy as a metaphor for how great and spacious we all can feel when we let go of all the many ‘crutches’ we can use to ‘pacify’ ourselves – like overeating, alcohol, shopping etc
This is a great blog to come back to. I have been looking at the ways I still have a dummy so to speak, something I use to dumb down what might be there for me to see and feel and express and I realised this morning that anxiousness is one of them. It is a ‘go to’ feeling of familiarity that I use to prevent me from connecting very deeply to the stillness and innate wisdom I naturally am within.
The reflection from children can be so strong, their connection to themselves is what our bodies remember and yearn for. I love to watch the way they move, so unaware of any other way to be and the lightness and joy within them. They can have fun with the slightest thing, a twig in a park or jumping in puddles. Your grandson showed you how he could move on very easily when you allowed him the space to do so.
Having the opportunity to parent again is such a gift, and I love the way you have described your relationship with your daughter and grandson, it is very inspiring.
I still read this title ‘ The Dummy’ and think how many times do I throw away my ‘so called’ dummy in a tantrum – with myself or others because things aren’t going my way. How controlling and exhausting way to live. Much more joyful and less tense and anxious to go with the flow, and not take things to heart so to speak or personally.
Yes the steady support instead of the well-intended push is so vital. When we get to the natural realisation that we are inherently okay and have no need for the external crutch we are holding onto, and can sense that it could be freer without it, which brings us to the point of being ready to let go. In my experience any form of push from others or even from myself has only resulted in me replacing the current ‘dummy’ with another more sophisticated one!
This is an interesting blog and I love what people have commented. It made me reflect on the purpose of dummies and whether they are truly serving a child growing up at all, as what they teach us from young on is to use something outside of ourselves to console us, to feel save, to feel protected and cared for. Wouldn’t it serve much more if we learned to find all this within and each time we feel lost, sad, or devastated to turn within and re-connect to that inner place where we are held, supported and loved without end?
I love the reflections here from what your grandson has showed us, Anne, and how that translates into so many of our adult lives with the use, abuse and/or relinquishing of ‘dummies’.
“We never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” Living with this realisation requires us instead of judging, controlling and strategising, to simply be open, feel what is required with our heart and respond without holding back. It is so very honouring of people.
what a beautiful reflection on what it is to not hold onto things – imagine if we did this as adults – just let go of what we know is no longer needed or supportive. Kids have such wisdom that we should not discount.
It is amazing how much we can learn from a situation like this and actually every situation in life if we are open and observing to see and read what is going on.
It is important to allow another to feel the consequences of their choices – otherwise they don’t learn.
What I love about what has been shared here is the understanding that unless truly renounced (as in this case with your grandson, Anne) the dummy is simply replaced by other habits and dependencies. We do not suddenly ‘grow up’, we carry everything with us until we choose to take care of and responsibility for ourselves.
That moment of letting go a ‘prop’ in life is so very liberating not matter what age – one certainly feels like giggling about it!
This is testament to the fact that when we are actually ready to ‘move on’, in the sense of grow and take on more responsibility, then it is far more easier than we think. Yes there might be that initial hissy fit as we shed the old way of being, but when we embrace the new, and it is a true step for us, then the going can be smooth. Anne, thank you for such a simple and endearing post, one that reminds us so lovingly that it is ok to have a cry, that it is ok to have change, that it is so beautiful to embrace growth and to let go of old things and move on with the flow. After all this is life!
There is the expression ‘throwing the dummy out of the pram’. This blog highlights this perfectly and shows us that we can all do this metaphorically with anything when we do not get our own way. A great exposure of human behaviour
What a great reflection you got from your grandson Anne with a before and after change. This is a learning for us all, how we can get caught in something that appears to be what we need, but actually is stopping us from changing and growing. It continues long after the dummy has been discarded.
Thank you Anne. I loved reading about the way your whole family supported your grandson to let go of his addiction to the dummy. I especially love the bit where you share that he was held and supported when he went to bed. I could feel there was no pandering in this, just a genuine and loving support to let go of what did not serve him or the family. If we brought this tenderness and understanding to each other as adults it would be amazing.
What a great reminder of how we can get so emotionally attached to things that are actually just keeping us attached to being in the drama of an emotion! Its a bit like the saying ‘Just grab the nettle and it won’t sting you’ – not that this is recommended! So long as we tiptoe around situations trying not to disturb them they will continue to be a disturbance on some level. By simply saying no to something that is not true, there may be a disturbance initially, but then there is a new level of understanding, acceptance and a realisation that what was ‘needed’ before is no longer needed.
Parenting from true connection allows kids to feel empowered and make responsible choices, even if that choice is so simple as letting go of a dummy! It is connection that children really value not instructions or “do it this way to grow up like me “
Reading this has me wondering how early our addictions to objects and food kicks in; these things we do as adults may have manifested into something else but who knows it may have all started with thumb sucking or hanging onto a blanket.
It’s true that anything can be used as a distraction and can become addictive, and many young kids might go from a dummy to sucking their thumb and this has the same effect of keeping them occupied throughout the day but not really engaging in what’s going on/interacting as they’ve put a plug on their voice and expression.
Absolutely Anne, what I hear in this is how we fight tooth and nail to protect certain things we seem to believe are vital for us to survive, but that keep us numb in some way. Yet when they are taken away we actually bloom, blossom and our body moves on. It harbours no pangs of regret just feels relief that at last it can live addiction free.
Its true Anne, we want to protect children and as you say “helicopter” parent, but in doing so we slow down the process by which children can learn and develop their own wisdom. To allow children to feel their choices and the consequences is probably the most loving thing we can do.
It is beautiful to feel the calmness and support that is available when boundaries and limits are presented in such a loving way.
This is a very powerful message for us all: “…getting rid of it has created an enormous sense of spaciousness and ease in his body.” How many ‘dummies’ are we each clinging to and toying with, that are actually holding us back from all that we can be… and might it actually be ‘so hard’ if we let go of that which we already know is not serving us… Lots to ponder, thank-you.
Very much appreciate this honest ‘telling’ of the story Anne. ‘Helicopter parenting’ is a term I’ve not heard before, but one that describes much of what I’ve witnessed… One cannot but respect the strength of this little one, letting go of his dummies even when there were those close to him who supported his dependency. And how awesome it is that we can all learn just so much from each other in being together, and continuously so.
Just imagine if this same child was pandered to in order to stop the crying – whether this was to fit the image of a ‘good’ parent and a ‘happy’ family, or simply in order to avoid the personal discomfort of someone crying in front of you. What an invaluable opportunity for learning about consequences and growth would have been missed.
Also imagine if the dummies were removed as they were, how traumatic it could have been without such level of love, understanding and holding which provided the space and support for the child to settle and unravel the learning his life was offering him. This article offers powerful insights.
Loved reading this again Anne, such a gorgeous example of the way we can let things go when we are ready without fuss or fanfare… no matter our age or stage of life.
Consequences from choices is such an important thing to learn for a foundation for life as this brings responsibility with each and every choice made.
I am 37 years older than your grandson and use certain foods just like his dummy.
Yes johannebrown! Could this be the reason why so many adults stay in set patterns for years due to the lack of support that is often provided for our young but ignored as we get older?
I love how this little boy deep down knew that the time was up for his dummy, and from what you describe, his way of signalling this was to repeatedly keep throwing it on the floor. There is so much for us all to learn by this simple reflection.
“I have only come to realise in recent years that the tight control that I took of my external circumstances was a desperate attempt to control what I was feeling on the inside.” This is so true Alexis, the more disregard i accept for myself the tighter my hold on my external circumstances, using control to fool myself that all is well – it feels as yucky as it sounds.
Yes, I agree Mary-Louise, this seems like the most important part of parenting, to be consistent in what we say and do.
“And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?” When you put it like this Anne, no wonder your grandson was so willing to be free of this ball and chain. I have heard similar stories of children loosing their treasured teddies, (cuddly friends that we as adults have convinced ourslelves they cannot sleep without) and yet bingo the child sleeps and the attachment is gone – pouff – you are right Anne there is so much we can learn from children.
These are wise words, Anne ..’Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on.’ I know how I use food in this way as a distraction and can raise my awareness of this in the future. We can read about your grandson but we can still be repeating some of those habits in the same way throughout our lives.
What you have shared here Otto is really important and makes me reflect and ask do we currently even teach children the science of consequences? I would say no, definitely not, not with the love, truth and awareness we could be teaching them with. And why not? Possibly because we do not live this ourselves? There is something to ponder on here.
A great lesson in that if we do not push, try and change another but instead just be, this love then is reflected to another giving them the space to make more loving choices for themselves naturally so. A great reminder.
I love your description of ‘helicopter’ parenting. Someone once asked me what was more loving – to hand a comb to a three year old child so that they can learn to comb their hair, or to comb their hair for them. When we parent from a need in ourselves to be needed, we are so much more likely to be a helicopter parent – I certainly was when my children were young and it is so lovely to read your blog Anne and feel the love you all held your grandson in as he felt the consequences of his actions. So inspiring.
We hold the belief that we have grown up into adults and are beyond the behaviour of babies and children and then I realised that a bag of nuts eaten in a certain way each day is exactly the same as that dummy.
Yes indeed… We can become addicted and dependent on so many things… And yet always within us is absolutely everything that we need …this certainly is something that we need to read and hear again and again until we become completely internally self-sufficient.
I love reading this blog. It’s amazing how in one moment we can think how are we ever going to get through this dependency on whatever it is and then we have a moment when we realise we do not need whatever it is again. I have been so inspired by so many people who were heavily into something or other -smoking, drinking, TV, food etc. and have let go of it when it seemed like they were completely ruled by their choice of dummy. We choose the dummy and can choose to let go of it also.
Do our little ones express for us because they feel what is needed? Do we place on our little ones the need that we are not checking in deeper with? There is so much here to be pondered and celebrated. Honesty and responsibility are two words that come to me as I ponder what is offered here. Thank you Anne.
‘we can use anything in an addictive way,….. for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves’ A great reminder Anne to be in conscious presence and not in ‘habits’.
I have reflected on you blog since reading it a couple of days ago and it has really helped me to see the un serving habits I still hold onto, noticing this is the first step to saying no to them in my life.
I love re-reading this blog – it is a great reminder of how easy it can actually be to just let go and move onto the next phase of growth in life. After all it is what we crave more than anything else. When our dummy (or our crutch) gets taken away then we spit the dummy…but then we learn and grow. Hence it is very symbolic for us all, whether we are children or adults!
I agree Henrietta, the symbolism of the dummy and letting go is something for all of us to look closely at.
Thanks, Anne. This goes to show that we cannot identify with our behaviours because they are not who we are, and they can therefore be relinquished at any time once a choice to adhere to our true nature is made.
“And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?” – yes, attachment does create less space/spaciousness; detachment the opposite and without the pulls, there is expanse.
Really gorgeous story about your grandson Anne! And it’s so true what you’ve shared, ‘love is not always what we think it is’, with the emphasis on the word ‘think’ because when we try to be loving based on what we think it is to be loving, so an ideal, image or expectation, then we often miss the boat in terms of where the other person is at and what is truly a caring thing to do for them.
So much of what parents might call “protecting their child” is in fact a thin disguise for protecting themselves from their own hurts. If a child starts to take responsibility for its choices, then so to does the parent have to – which can be an ouch!
What is one of the most important things we do, that doesn’t come with instructions ?… parenting. We have always just repeated, the way we were raised and tried to improve it. Why don’t we treat the child the same way as if we rent a room in our house to someone? We offer them the space to be who they are naturally. Allow them to learn how to function within the family and what the limits and boundaries are.
This is so true Anne, we are never know when someone is ready to let go of and evolve to the next level. If we have an openness with others in every interaction and hold them in love, there is the space and opportunity to heal.
If we start to see our everyday as you do here Anne, we would surely start to understand every moment is there for us all to learn and that keeping growth and education as the specific remit of degrees, schools and universities is simply a way to keep us all as dummies. For we are given everything we need in divine timing.
And what a great way to also learn this science for ourselves.
What a great lesson for this young man. So often parents make ‘threats’ about something if a behaviour continues, only to buckle when the child has a tantrum, bats their baby blues or some other behaviour that they know will get them their own way. He has learnt that their are consequences for certain behaviours whilst being held in absolute love and grace in the process.
Thank-you Anne, for sharing the reflection that this simple act of discarding a dummy offered and your reading about being able to let go of those things that no longer support and in fact are holding back our expression in whatever manner we choose to express. And I agree children are amazing and we can learn so much from them and through not suppressing their naturally open way of being.
In the last few months I’m becoming aware of my inner reactions when a child starts crying when I decide something for them. I often contract and take the emotion on board, rather than observing what is happening in front of my eyes. It is very much extremely short term based, rather than allowing them to be emotional and allow myself the space to feel both them and myself. This is a very different way of being. With both myself as well as with them. It is actually amazing to witness, ponder on and develop. I love learning, just like children do.
When someone, no matter what age, is ready to evolve, only love can support them, and sometimes the outplay of that love doesn’t always look how we might expect or want it to.
Also, Anne, your grandson’s beautiful reaction or rather response to the dummy being thrown out is testimony not just to the fact he was ready for it to go, but also testimony to the fact that the parents hold a consistency with how they are with him – they stand by their word and this builds a relationship of trust because you actually know what will happen in each situation. Beautiful!
I can feel how this describes where we might judge another’s behaviour and yet identify them with that behaviour and not allow the spaciousness for them to choose change when they are ready. We can contribute to keeping someone stuck by our opinion and expectations, and this would be based on our own un-dealt with behaviours.
Anne, what an absolutely gorgeous story! I really enjoyed reading about your grandson and how he reacted and responded with the dummy situation…It is so true that in life we are sometimes so ready to grow to the next level but just need a little nudge to get us going. We all can learn from each other, we all can support each other, and when we do that, there is no end to where we can take things.
Children and adults alike may be more willing to grow and evolve than we give them credit for. There might initially be an adjusting phase but that’s ok. This blog shows how we can hold a person in their old patterns in fear of a little discomfort for a short time. I suspect I am also that way with myself regarding my own addictions, no need for that way anymore. Thank you Anne.
Love is not about pandering to every whim but about doing what feels true, saying what is there to be expressed, and it is about appreciating that everyone, regardless of age, is our absolute equal and is offering constant reflections for us to ponder on.
“Love is not always what we think it is.” This is a great point Anne. So often love is associated with pleasing the other person, when in fact, this is a far cry from what true love is. Love offers the space for another the person (or child in this case) to evolve. It can be firm, yet is always beholding.
In this wonderful story I see how easy and ‘normal’ it is to go along with things that keep us smaller than we are in a co-dependent kind of emotional ‘love’ but also how easy it can be to trust that we are more and that we can move forward, let go and open up to the greater people we are.
Anne this is an awesome sharing – I really appreciate you sharing this example and showing how to love someone is to show them the consequences to their actions. As I raise my daughter I can feel the importance of this, and how to be loving is to guide her on what is true or not.
I love how this blog shows that we can learn from anyone at any time, regardless of their age or who they are. All that is required is that we be open to seeing what is before us. This is how the law of reflection works and why it can help us all to evolve if we let it.
Thank you Anne, a very clear example of the power of true parenting and the pure wisdom of our children.
I love this blog – boy oh boy can I relate. So I had a dummy up until about the age of 7 (I know, cringe!) but for me it was the comfort and reassurance that I craved and only the dummy was able to send me to sleep, or ease the anxiousness I felt in my body – being without it was a serious discomfort and although my mum tried to throw them away, she would often give in and so it took many years for me to finally break the cycle myself and learn to sleep without it. But what is more interesting is that a difficulty with sleeping persisted till my late teens, because the underlying root cause, the anxiousness, tension and feeling unsafe was never healed. When we look at behaviours as more than simply a physical thing, but a secondary outplay of something else that is occurring, we can deal with the root cause first and the physical will heal itself.
I find it interesting how the dummy represents so much more than just mere plastic. It has an energetic value to it that the child was attached to and hence the letting go was not the letting go of the dummy but more so a way of being or an energy which was no longer true in his way of living.
So true Joshua, the dummy is not just a thing but an object standing in for ‘the-real-thing’ (I would call it ‘feeling Love’) which the child feels is missing… I see the child’s act of letting go of it as a choice not to settle for less; a choice to make room for him to find and feel the ‘real thing’…
In the U.S. we call it a ‘pacifier’ which is pretty literal for what it does though ‘dummy’ is good too as it literally means ‘not the real thing’. I find it interesting that so many of us so readily accept substitutes (‘less than the real thing’) from a child’s ‘dummy’ to desert, alcohol, hobbies, sports or drugs in place of feeling the full richness of True Love that we are meant to feel and know all of the time.
Anne, it is great to feel the humbleness in which you have opened up to understanding what your grandson has reflected to you – i.e. you acknowledge this young boy’s equal and natural ability to reflect the truth of life.
I love how easily children let things go, there may be a small initial jarring but then it’s gone, and as you so brilliantly put, their body is actually more free and spacious. Why does it take us so long as adults to let stuff go, when we were clearly all masters at it as young children?
Wow! So much in this article to digest Anne, I am looking forward to rereading it in more depth.
What a beautiful blog. Being true to your word has many, many benefits. Sometimes a short term cost but being consistent, trustworthy and reliable has enormous value.
We are expressing all the time whether we are adults or children and the gifts are many when we read our children with love and truth and give them opportunities to evolve as your family have shown us, Anne.
Love your blog Anne and with the support of steady love your grandson just let his dummy go with ease and acceptance and simply blossomed from it.
Over recent years I have dropped a few addictions and identified a few more. Letting addictions go is liberating and joyful, it is like you are being freed from a shackle or burden that has been holding you back for (in my case) years.
It is easy for parents to attach themselves to the ‘convenience of’ be it a dummy or something else that we stand in the way of our children’s natural development. Children know their next point of evolution in just the same way we do, our role is not to stand in their way but to support them with their next steps.
What a great story. We can all learn something valuable from this. We can effectively set ourselves free!
I love how as a parent when you can hold firm with what you know to be true no matter how much our children appear to be “kicking off” it serves them far more than we can know…
Truly inspired Anne, to go watch the rubbish truck – and the fascination that holds in itself, but also bringing a real end, a full renunciation of that final dummy!
“we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” And we never know why or what preceded what led a person to where they are today. Making assumptions or believing or thinking we know where a person is often comes back to bite us in the bum. Opening up to being willing to understand I have found to help so much, otherwise I am blind to what is before me and what the actual lessons of life are.
Great to feel your appreciation of living with your grandson – children are amazing teachers when we are open to what they are communicating. Having the willingness to look behind the apparent bad behaviour presents amazing lessons for all. We are all here to evolve and supporting each other in this is key.
Thank you for sharing how, with the support of his family, your grandson was able to let go of his dummy so easily when he chose to, this demonstrates so clearly the steadiness that is needed for true parenting, it is never about pandering or being harsh but reading situations and enforcing consequences without judgement for behaviour that is inappropriate. This is also true of people at any age and the role of a supportive friend includes to lovingly expose behaviour that is getting in the way of evolution. For me I am still aware of a need to be liked and not rock the boat and that I could be a more loving friend in many situations.
This is a great example how simple life/parenting can be and how we have become used to making everything complicated and weaving life into a big story.
Anne thanks for sharing there is so much in this we can take away for our own lives, as you say you never know when someone is ready to go to the next level, to grow and evolve and perhaps we inadvertently hold people back thinking we are protecting and loving them.
‘Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth.’ This can be true of adults too, and reminds us not to judge but allow understanding as we hold the other in love.
It makes me smile how deep down your grandson knew he wanted to get rid of his dummy because he was throwing it around the room all the time. We can override children’s expression thinking we as adults know better ( I certainly did with my children) but honouring them and getting them to understand the consequences of their actions at an early age is helping them grow.
Wow, what a great experience to observe. How easy it can be to let go of something we have been attached to and needed. Your grandson was showing the way.
Such a lovely blog Anne thank you. I love how all the adults held each other and your grandson in love – no wavering, no mixed messages, but with a unified solidness. Gorgeous.
I can see that it is often me (the adult) that anticipates/predicts that evolution should be more difficult than this! My children continue to amaze me with how little attachment they have & how easily they can let go & move on.
Recently we went away for Christmas, after packing together & saying goodnight to the children i was faced with a pile of presents to wrap and then squeeze into a bag. I felt ready for bed and pondered how pointless this all felt. So after a chat with my husband i elected with surprising ease to leave the presents at home for our return. I told the children on the way to the airport the next day and no one even blinked, they just went “yeah sure” . Where was the disappointment & reaction i had anticipated? Simply, there was none. In fact without presents there was nothing to hide behind, no quick fixes or distractions, we had stripped away the material aspects of Christmas & made it about the purity of togetherness and connection. An evolutionary choice for us all.
What great reflection. And I can relate to this point from the child of ‘wanting to let go of something, but like to get support or an allowing for it’. It is supportive for development to know/experience that my surroundings can handle this and support me here.
As an adult I have to find this support as well. It is very great to get it. I always find someone or something that will support me in evolving if I am open for it.
I once had the impulse to do something what was an evolving point for me while some people around me did not support me here. I could give up on it, but I did not. I claimed it without them and than some support did arise …
” love is not always what we think it is” so true – for a long time and I still do hold images and pictures in my head of what love should look like or what I need it to be, whilst all the time I do this I am missing the love that is all around and right in front of me. People all have their own way of expressing love and it might not be how you want it or need it to be. For example maybe someone isn’t able to express verbally how much they care, but by the words in the card you can feel how much they cherish. This is something I am learning to let go of, my needs for love to fit the picture or needs that I have, and to build a loving relationship with myself, then there will be no need for another to love me.
Even as grown ups we have forms of dummy’s in our lives that we struggle to let go of. The things that make us feel safe and comfortable. It certainly is a clear example of how when we are reacting to a world around us that it is not showing or presenting love so we go to our comfort things to try and make it all ok.
Thank you Anne for sharing this story – what really stood out for me was the ease in which your grandson let go, and what a great reflection to receive for the whole family.
Learning such wisdom from these everyday events is an amazing way to live – so much better than vegging out in front of the TV.
When we avoid supporting children to feel the consequences of their actions, is that not a reflection that we are avoiding taking responsibility of feeling the consequences of our own actions?
Your grandson is clearly no dummy himself! The dummy, or pacifier as it’s known in the US, prevents clear communication and holds a child back from his or her true expression. So it’s amazing that your grandson was ready to take what would have felt like a giant step at such a young age. It makes me ask myself what am I still holding onto or using that is holding me back.
This blog has given me a new saying for dealing with all those little addictions that still linger – “A Dummy Moment”. If a child of two can so easily relinquish an addiction, then surely an adult of 51 can do the same?!
I know a child of 2 1/2 who still has a dummy. I ask him to remove it when he speaks so I can understand him better and he has no problem with that. Once when I babysat I forgot to give him his dummy and he fell asleep for a nap without any problem. Interesting that as parents we may sometimes ‘give in’ or even continue with a stage of development that may be ripe for moving on past – in the name of ‘love’. I myself was a thumb-sucker – so that couldn’t be thrown away!
What’s fascinating to observe is how we expect children to respond to an event over how they actually choose to respond. When we remember that children are just smaller versions of adults, no different in their willingness to grow and evolve (or not), there is no special treatment needed or a pandering untrue version of love that inhibits evolution. Love is treating everyone equally and allowing everyone to feel the consequences of their choices.
I love this Anne . “we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” Children are able to deal with far more than we often allow them to.
Thank you fro sharing Anne. As you say, ‘Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ and learning that there are consequences is love even though we may think we are being hard in them we are not. The earlier we learn consequences the better!
Awesome blog Anne. I absolutely agree, our children can reflect much for us to learn. I appreciate this too and learning to stop hovering over my own children. I have found letting go of control, fear and superiority to allow our children to learn and grow can be very supportive for both children and parents.
There is something in that fourth lesson… that so called bad behaviours are also a means of communication. Do we simply judge?… locked in our ideal of how things ‘shoud’ be and getting frustrated that they are not. Or can we listen?… simply observe the behaviour and provide a reflection of love.
A beautiful lesson in true parenting. We can all feel like screaming when we are breaking an ingrained pattern but feel the lightness when we realise we are free of what has been holding us back.
My little nephew was the same with his little blanket which he called blabbley until one day it was left somewhere resulting in mass panic from every one. He too was ready to move on and quickly got over it. This blog made me think back to how alcohol was such a crutch for me and although I hated being reliant on it I couldn’t see how I was going to stop but when the time was right I just stopped and there has been no looking back.
The dam has broken and this little fellow made a clear choice with the wonderful support of all of you. How inspiring of trust is that for him, knowing you have his back just by holding steady in yourselves. No helicoptoring in sight, very empowering.
Quite interesting in the context of talking about expression here that a pacifier is called a dummy.
Whether it is the coffee we drink, the sugar snack we crave or the emotional behavior we go into these are the adult dummies we have become attached to. Yes, there may be a fair amount of screaming and wailing we may go into on giving them up, but the fact as you show Anne, is when we truly release, harmony and freedom are quick to come.
This is such a beautiful example of what love is. I can relate to the moment when we need to step up and evolve to the next level and we mess about for a while until the moment comes and we let ourselves do it, ever if we need a bit of a push from another.
What fabulous awarenesses that are brought to us through children, and yes, this awareness is gold..”we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes…”
It is amazing how we have lost our touch with firm love, because really letting people run free without holding them accountable is very unloving anyway.
I have a similar story with one of my daughters. Up until she was two years old she would carry around her bottle every where. She could not be with out it and she would scream ‘bobble, bobble, bobble’ if she misplaced it. One day I knew that it needed to go so I talked with her about how it was time to throw the ‘bobble’ (as she called it) in the bin, that she was old to drink from a cup. I too thought it was going to be a big drama for her because she was so attached to her ’bobble.’ How wrong I was, for the next few days she repeatedly said bobble’ is in the bin and then not a word and happily drank from a cup.
This was gorgeous to read Anne. I just loved how after a mild meltdown, your grandson just let go of what was holding him back from expressing more in full. This is a great lesson for us all … and an inspirational reminder of what is possible when we remove things from our life that don’t truly support us.
How amazing to view this as the next steps in a childs evolution, we have so many ideas about parenting and beliefs about what children should or shouldn’t do, but seeing them as wise beings that are making choices, and allowing them to feel the consequences of those choices is ultimately empowering as you have shared Anne! LOVED the blog!
This teaches us so much on so many different levels. What I first got from this is the importance in the way we do things, for instance your grandsons father calmly picking up the dummy and placing it in in the bin. He didn’t do this in an angry, irritated or harsh way. By doing this in a loving yet firm way it gave his son a space to feel something different. It gave the space for his son just to be. Also I really love that you shared you love living with your family (your daughter and her son) what I could feel when you shared this was how much love you all have for each other and how your home feels harmonious. Many people complain about living with their families or having to move back in with them so it is really beautifully to hear the complete opposite and feel just how tangible your love for each other is.
‘…we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life.’ this is so beautiful. It stops judgement in its tracks and we can see each person for the divinity they are. We don’t have to hold them back by how we relate to them – a preconceived expectation that they’ll behave a certain way. I know I can relate to myself according to how I used to be and can hold myself back in this way. Great to let go of this with myself.
What a thoughtful post Anne, enjoyed reading this — this bit is especially sound “…we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes”. Awesome observation, and understanding too… and moreover too the part we play in each other’s growth and expansion for the inter-connectivity we share.
This is a beautiful example of evolution at any age and that we are all ready in our own time to let things go and move forth with life and its many amazing explorations and discoveries. Thank you Anne.
What a difference binning the dummy made, – and what a reminder that it is about evolution from the very first breath.
Very very sweet, gorgeously sweet in fact, as to how loved and supported your grandson felt that he was simply able to let go, a great confirmation of his own strength, but also of yours to allow him the space to grow.
Really enjoyed reading this Anne, their are it seems many ways to parent but what seems common is that to care deeply for a small child at times requires what might seem like tough choices, but in this example removing something actually made the space for the child to be more free and less burdened. An important lesson in there for us all.
What a great sharing and understanding of true love and parenting shared to be appreciated of all we know and can feel. In this case removing the dummy altogether lovingly shows the importance of changes that can be made allowing ourselves to grow in unforeseen situations and the ease and expansion this can bring.
It’s true that we can never impose an expectation on what another may or may not be ready for.
There is such an illusion here for all of us that we think we can hang onto something, perhaps an object or behaviour, and feel we need it, but when we let go of it we have the opportunity to find more of ourselves.
And I love that you put pen to paper, so as to speak, as this sharing is priceless as it allows us to all “grow and evolve back to the oneness we are from” with you. It is a great example of love in action and the outcome of following through with that love.
What a beautiful reflection of swag and what it truly means. It comes from the way we live and not what we can buy and is who we are. Essentially we all have swag – it is just about allowing it out and having fun with it, not being afraid to let the world see you All of you.
This is so beautiful. How your entire family stand by and hold your grandson in love to support him to let him be himself in his process is just stunning. I had never heard of a term ‘helicopter parenting’ and I have no child of my own, but I have experienced myself going into anxiety when a baby is upset, thinking that I had to do everything to make them a happy baby again no matter what – I can see from your sharing that it was me who had lost myself then and interfered with what was going on and what the baby was feeling, and I can also see how the same applies to any relationship. Thank you, Anne.
Thank you Anne. I completely recognize the amazingness of children. Whenever we judge them because of their behavior that isn’t loving, we’re actually taking things personally, rather than observe and feel what is actually going on. I love how I already could feel that the boy actually communicated that he wanted to say goodbye to the dummy. Children are still very connected to naturally wanting to learn. And boy oh boy are they clear what they want to learn. We only have to observe and feel their behavior and communication. It is usually very clear if we choose to connect!
It is great how this shows, love isn’t pampering but responding to that what is obviously needed in that time.
What is quite exposing here is that not only can we use “a bit of brightly of coloured plastic” in an addictive way we can start doing it so young. I love this blog because it shows us that pandering to our addictions does us no favours what so ever, whatever our age. Supporting us to feel the consequences of our actions and holding strong to appropriate boundaries however horrid at the time is such a deeply loving lesson for us all.
I love this Anne, and I can also relate as a child I know, did the same thing, always wanting the dummy and they had easy access to where they were kept so could get them at any time, but this also stunted their expression as it was always behind a dummy. But a couple of times, I said to them, “let’s take your dummy out so we can hear your beautiful words”. They let me take it out and then happily moved away to play and didn’t look for it for a few hours. It definitely makes a huge difference when you don’t have a picture of the outcome, just and hold them where they are at and let them make the choice.
Children are able to let go and move on incredibly easily, we can learn a lot from them.
I know what we mean we can learn a lot from children and can move on without hanging onto things. Something to remember is we were also once children so can also easily do the same thing!
I have often felt sad when I’ve seen a toddler try to talk past their dummy, and have judged the parents for shutting up their expression in that way, it never occurred to me that using a dummy could be the child’s choice.
Yes, I didn’t know that either.
Such a strong point made here Anne, that we can all keep learning from: ‘Firstly, love is not always what we think it is. In these days of ‘helicopter’ parenting (parents who hover over their kids, attending to their every whim and desire), we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ To parent with true love is such a key thing for our evolution as a race. We seem to either parent in one or two ways, both of which are false: we neglect a child so that they are left free to roam and do what they like bringing themselves up, or this micro-managing/ ‘helicopter parenting’ that is so prevalent now. None of it is based love.
Great story Anne! Awesome reminder to listen to children and read what they are showing/telling us, which at times may not be blatantly obvious.
And I love this blog Anne! Such beautiful observation as well as gentle humour hearing described the way your grandson would walk around with a dummy in each hand. Your grandson was in fact enacting that he wanted to get rid of the dummy by throwing them on the floor and watching them go in the bin . . .even to the last one! So great that you were all clear and steady with him, standing by your word, comforting him when he went to bed. And so brilliant that he laughed about the dummy and said ‘Daddy threw it in the bin’. Love is being able to truly read what is needed as your family so beautifully did.
I have learnt this with my own children – that often when the behaviour seems totally out of control and their will and defiance kicks in, they are actually sensing the discord created when moving in a way that is not true to their essence within. As a parent, by holding steady and honouring this love and absolute harmony we all in essence are, we are better able to know the movements that need correction in order to restore true movement for all. This is a great example of this learning Anne, thankyou for sharing x
What a beautiful story, I had a very similar experience with my own son and his dummy. He was so attached to it I thought it was going to be this huge drama when we took it off him but it turns out he was fine, he was better than fine, he was a different little man without it. He wasn’t needy or upset, he was settled and slept really well as the dummy falling out didn’t disturb him anymore.
I love how you write Anne. One of the greatest things I have learnt over the years, and am continuing to learn, is what true love really means. That is not being about ‘nice’ so that we do not upset another whilst overriding how we truly feel, or fulfilling obligations so that we are considered ‘good’ or worthy, or disregarding how we feel in our bodies to please another. I have discovered that the power and grace of love is always present through honoring our truth within, holding ourselves in the highest regard and expressing the truth we feel and see to another, as such holding them in the light of love that they also are within. With this, as you have said, we are simply but greatly – ‘Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ – and nothing less. As it is through embracing all that love is, that we learn, heal, grow and evolve together back to all that we truly are.
Beautiful Anne Mallat, showing us what true consequences in parenting does, and how this is not bad at all!
Such simplicity and clarity in what you share here Anne that reveals no matter our age we can all find ways to delay our evolution. I love the fact through steadiness and support your grandson was able to trust this change and allow himself to move on to greater expression of who he is. An amazing example at 2 of what we can all choose at any age.
This is so gorgeous! A stunning tale Anne, filled with wisdom and inspiration for evolution. Thank you.
I love this Anne, thank you for clocking what went on, and sharing it with us all. I could really relate to point two, about wanting to let something go but not sure how to do it and then when you receive the support, and let it go, the freedom in your body is awesome. It shows me that we all need each other, to support us to be the love we are and let go of what is not.
This is really lovely Anne. As I was reading it, I really felt how he wanted the dummy gone but needed the support. It is great that you get to share these precious moments with him and that he has a broader family. It seems quite often these days grand parents are just seen once in a while which is such a shame as they have so much to share and reflect to the children.
I absolutely agree that love is not what we imagine it to be. What may be considered loving parenting, may not actually be love, which would present truth and potential for evolution. While we try to keep our kids comfortable and safe, this is how they learn to be in life. As they grow up this leaves them seeking comfort and safety, rather than seeing all our experiences as opportunities to grow and become more complete within ourselves.
I can see how having a crutch actually creates a level of unease for us. When we rely on something outside ourselves to get through a situation, we do not look within for our inner resources (and discover there is so much already there!).
What a great understanding of how simple it is to hold what is true and reflect this for another, supporting them to choose truth.
We learn so much from children when we drop the need to be the all-knowing adult. Who are we trying to kid anyway? Young children see straight through it!
“Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth.” Understanding life in this way is so valuable – I notice it in myself sometimes too, when I get frustrated or react often I am actually wanting to get out of it yet feel not straight away how and it is then a blessing when someone notices and asks what is going on instead of reacting back, or ignoring it.
I could not but smile when I read these words: “It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow”. As I read I could feel the joy that had been released and that now this very wise little boy can be all of his beautiful self – there’s no holding him back now!
The power of truth, and holding steady to that choice is so beholding of everyone. Perhaps your grandson was feeling the adults anxiousness of how to wean him off the dummy’s that was creating an anxiety in him? And when the adults stayed steady with their choice, he could relax and let go – there was no need for him to be anxious anymore.
Its very inspiring Anne to read how you have observed your grandson, and how this incident has not just been about the dummy but what everyone can learn from this situation, and most importantly, how we can all evolve.
How gorgeous to be learning and growing and evolving with one another. No matter our age, we each and every one of us have so much to offer another by way of reflection.
Thank you for sharing this Anne, it is a great story and very relatable to many situations in life.
Beautiful blog Anne, thank you.
Anne I love that you have looked at this from a much deeper level than you grandson simply growing out of it, which is true to a point. But there is much to understand about ourselves and others from observing those around us, even if they are 2 years old.
What a wonderful family you have Anne. We can learn so much from children if we are willing to observe and allow them to be themselves.
‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.’ Very true Anne, and when that time comes we can’t hold any pictures of what it may look like to us.
‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.’ – This is so true Anne, your sharing is also a beuatiful example that we all deep down know when it is time to say yes to go to the next level of evolution in our lives, children and adults alike.
Brilliant sharing Anne! Love is most definitely not all lovey dovey as we may like it to be. Being firm sometimes is definitely what is needed especially when someone else’s behaviour is not of their truth.
That is so cool what you share Anne, how you got to really see how much that experience was offering you and everyone in the family. We do tend to brush off our children as being annoying and naughty but as you say they are actually communicating with us. What is it that they don’t like and reacting to… as adults we still are reacting to things we just may not be having a tantrum. Kids can be so honest and it is definitely an expression to be inspired by and to stop and reflect.
wow, who knew that a dummy could provide such evidence of so much, including evolution?
Incredible.
I love that you wrote this, and let us all get a huge insight into a common situation with young toddlers, that now is imbued with rich meaning….
It’s funny how if we have a picture of how something should be or how something should go we often get caught. It would be the same as making judgement on a blog written about this without knowing the family and the details. If this is what the family felt was the next step for all involved then you would have to support it. Given also how things have progressed you would have to see this as a confirmation that the family working together was on the right track. We are so quick these days to make judgement or pigeon hole someone when we only have part of a story. I watched someone close to me suck their thumb for a period and while some say they grow out of it this person needed supported. Now they are a great valued member of the family, simply because of now hearing their voice more regularly. We can often hold things back by not taking in the whole situation and feeling what is best and in it’s place we grab part of a story, react and make a judgement. I love this blog for what it is saying and I understand more because of it.
Anne, your grandson showed you how he was ready to let go of something he no longer needed, that he had outgrown and that was now holding back his expression. Had you pandered to what you thought he needed, another dummy, it would have delayed his development. Such a gorgeous example of true love – thankyou for sharing this.
Thanks Anne, I really enjoyed this blog and remember some similar attachment my son had, it inevitably was replaced with other distractions and comforts. This rang true for me ‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes’ I find this applies not only to family, but also friends and work colleagues. Great to share and be part of.
Yes Andrew, a great quote and I can relate – I have an old pattern of wanting to fix things or make things better for people. This, of course, is an imposition and is indeed me getting in the way. A great reminder for me (and us all) here.
“Helicopter parenting”… hovering around children to meet their every whim… what has the world come to. Love is not weak, petty or whimsical. Love is love and that in every way sees the strength and potential of everyone. Even a 2-year-old child.
‘Helicopter parenting’ is a symptom of parenting from need and not true connection. That is, there is a part of us that needs to be needed so we can feel we ‘belong’ rather than living from a deep sense of connection with ourself and thus the All we are a part of. If we live in separation to this, the love that we are, then we seek love in the form of emotional attachment and not in its true form which is simply an expression of the Soul’s light, the love we all are deep within.
The needing to be needed is absolutely what is affecting parenting today. Needing to be needed or trying to meet all the ‘shoulda’ in life. Parenting from connection is quite a simple, a very consistent way of being – that is strong, loving and has a deep care to it for another. Yet if we do not offer that deep care to ourselves first then our parenting will hold that lack of clarity and a neediness.
The most loving word is often a simple ‘no’ at times.
Sure is Heather. The child was held in love and acted upon his next level of self love – letting the dummy go!
What an inspiration your grandson is Anne, and as you say we adults can learn so much from our children if we can but allow ourselves to see the lessons that are there to be learnt. The freedom that we can gain from letting something go is so enormous, and having had experinece of this myself, it does beg the question why we can still hold onto things so tightly when we know deep within that so often we are better off without them.
Very true – we are better off without them. I think as adults we tend to make the letting something go seem scarier than it actually is. When this little guy has showed us all that it’s quite easy to get over and there is such a freedom in the other end.
Could it be that bad behaviours in adult can also be telling us something is not right, that something is very wrong but not able to be expressed? Observing myself in the company of children, I have noticed that I am more open and willing to meet them where they are at, there is no holding back. Children truly are our greatest teachers.
Great point Christine. When we indulge in addictions we numb ourselves to the fact that something needs to change, it’s about as effective as turning off the ‘annoying’ smoke alarm and staying put while your house is burning down.
Spot on Christine. I totally agree. Bad or poor behaviour is highlighting a tension in life and a red flag that something needs addressed.
Yes, well said Johanna, if we look at ourselves, how we are being in that moment rather than focusing on the child we become far more aware of what the issue is.
Children are our greatest teachers! So, why does it take so long for us to see the truth?
With our son, I’ve seen hard or protected men turn tender and grumpy people giggle. If there’s not a lesson to be learned there, I don’t know what to say!
I simply love this sharing Anne. Observing behavior, reading the true evolution being asked for and choosing to act in the moment and hold true to the choice is priceless parenting.
It was gorgeous how the adults remained steady, loving, embracing and unified in supporting this decision and point of evolution for this little chap. Now they get to enjoy his clear chatty expression.
Wow I really love this story. I have identified a few addictions that I have and it is wonderful to clock the fact that letting go of an addiction can actually be a joyful experience if we embrace what we gain by letting it go.
In today’s society there are so many for us to grasp onto – technological devices being quite a big one. I had a conversation with a preteen recently about how it is for him/her to be with the mobile phone and to be without it. This preteen was amazing and identified that there was a lost feeling and a reliance on the mobile. And from this one conversation that was filled with awareness this preteen decided to limit their time with their phone. Evolution at all ages.
That’s beautiful Leonne, when addicted to anything often our focus is a sense of fear/panic at the loss rather than what we gain and how much we can grow by letting go.
I appreciate how so much can be learnt just by observing everyday simple situations, thank you Anne for the revelations.
That is an amazing tale of a little person evolving to their next stage of evolution – and of the adults around who held him with steadiness and in absolute love.
And it just shows that no matter our age – we all do know and are part of the cycle of evolution.