The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world.
Recently I went on a trip with my son. The picture I carried was we would enjoy common time together, while the picture that he carried was he would enjoy his time and do whatever he felt like doing. He is twelve and at the age that he feels compelled to make his own choices.
The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.
So every morning I would follow my usual routine of waking up early and going for a walk, while my son would follow his usual routine of waking up late and skipping breakfast. Because of this we never had the chance to go to breakfast together, and my picture of having common time together during breakfast was smashed. If my son wanted to sleep more, but was then asked if he wanted to go to breakfast, his picture of doing what he wanted to do and making his own choices would be smashed and both of us would feel tension within us.
One morning we went to town together. We made plans the day before and my son agreed, possibly because he felt that was what I would have liked. Even though he agreed, he did not really want to do it, and did not sleep earlier the night before, so he woke up tired. When we were in town he was moody and wanted to go home. I asked if he was tired and he said yes, so we went directly back to the hotel.
I did not find the experience of going out with him fun either, because he was not really there with me. All he wanted to do was to go back to the hotel and find ways which he felt would not further exhaust him, and that I can understand.
With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was. Even though we are mother and son and we do live in the same house, we have very different lifestyles and we are both stubborn in our choices.
It was then I realised that it was not reasonable for me to suddenly expect my son’s built up pattern of sleeping late to be easily changed just because we were on a trip together, simply because of my expectation that it would be awesome to do some activities together. If we had not built up this foundation together in Hong Kong, how would this be possible all of a sudden just because we were in a different time zone, especially if my son wanted to exercise his ability to choose for himself?
And so with that I simply went about my activities and I began meeting old and new friends, who were delighted to do things together with me. We met and chatted and I even got invited to a wedding ad hoc! Meanwhile my son enjoyed his time alone, doing what he wanted. Every evening I would invite my son to join me, or sometimes some of my friends, for dinner. Most of the times he would willingly say yes.
The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.
I had to let go of the picture of how being a mother should be on a trip, which was to arrange activities for the both of us to enjoy. Sometimes this was at the expense of both of us, because in truth, neither of us really wanted to do them, but I was carrying the picture that it would look ‘good’ and we would have ticked the box of doing something together on a trip. I also had to let go of the picture that, because we were on vacation, our rhythms would suddenly unite.
None of these expectations are true. And if they were enforced and accepted by us, then the relationship between my son and I would be reinforced by a picture that may have been ‘good’, but not true, because hanging onto any picture does not bring us to full truth.
I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.
So we enjoyed the rest of our trip and continued to enjoy a deeper relationship with each other, even though our daily choices are completely opposite in life.
What I have observed is also a very precious opportunity, and no doubt an ongoing one, for me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means. I am deeply enjoying the deepening of relationship with myself as it is impacting on all the other relationships I have in my life, such as how I am now able to hold my son in much more understanding of the choices he makes.
Published with the permission of my son.
By Adele Leung, a woman, image consultant, writer, photographer, model and then some, Hong Kong
Further Reading:
How We Start Relationships
To Be Truly Heard and To Be Truly Met For Who We Are
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
As a Son of God it is our relationship with God that will become the one that through our will, will deliver us back to being a True God in our own right and thus enable to become a fully Soul-full❤️ being who walks the talk as does any Master of Wisdom such as Serge Benhayon and thus we will be able to enrich those who are ready. As you have shared Adele, every relationship is super important as we learn so much from each other when we no longer react but respond with Love❤️.
I am knocking at the door of this understanding at the moment and very much appreciate the opportunity to read this article again. There is something very simple to put in practise, which is to offer people space and not feed off their choices to give me an excuse not to live what is my responsibility.
Awesome Matilda, as space offer another the ability to full appreciate what is on offer through our non-reactive ways thus bring in True responsibility and the Joy-full❤️ understanding of how Deep-humble-appreciate-ive-ness works.
A great exercise for all of us to practice: “to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.”
This is a learning course I am definitely signing up for 🙃 The pictures with and pull to mother is so strong in life currently and it is like extracting oneself from a quagmire of emotion and complication.
It can take a lot to let go of expectations, especially with those that are close to us (family, friends etc), but the hardest part is actually allowing oneself the awareness of having the expectations in the first place as they can be very subtle and so ingrained that we do not realise the imposition we place upon another (and ourselves).
Pictures and expectations can be very ingrained, it is important to become aware of them, ‘I had to let go of the picture of how being a mother should be on a trip, which was to arrange activities for the both of us to enjoy.’
Adele, this blog shares a great example of how we can have a picture and in that process impose upon another. This essentially does just as much ‘damage’ to our relationship with ourselves as well as our relationship with another.
Holding pictures or expectations can cause problems further down the line, ‘The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.’
Holding onto mental pictures of how we ‘think’ something should look like is to have expectations, which very often lead to disappointment as it is not the truth.
Yes, it is wise to not have these pictures and expectations of how we would like things to be, ‘I realised that it was not reasonable for me to suddenly expect my son’s built up pattern of sleeping late to be easily changed just because we were on a trip together, simply because of my expectation that it would be awesome to do some activities together.’
Many of us are appalled at new virtual reality technology – and consider it an indulgent escape. Yet the fact is we’ve been overlaying our lives with false pictures for centuries – all in our head. Once we have one we think is true and receive thoughts that seem to back it up it can be quite hard to see through.
Pictures also remind me of conditions we put on others and sometimes ourselves. What is really lovely here is that you were able to take a step back and see that if you didn’t have this foundation when at home then how could you possibly have it as soon as you went away! I also love the fact that you didn’t get angry, frustrated or resentful but instead just loved you son and kept it light.
Bringing in understanding is always supportive, ‘With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was.’
Life would so much simpler if we showed others at-least the decency and respect they deserve, and would this not make all our relationships evolutionary?
The load of expectations is so clear in this blog that is offers an opportunity to be willing to see where we have pictures and expectation where we least expect them. Making space to consider in this way offers the potential of a new beginning – without expectations of course!!!!
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day”. This is where observation truly comes alive, as it allows us to see the bigger picture of a lifetime of being a certain way, and it can help us to accept others and situations exactly where they are at, because the pictures never take any of this into consideration. That is what I am learning at the moment.
It is a learning that I too am embracing, ‘The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’
Letting a relationship be, as it is, without pictures can be challenging as we are brought up with strong ideals and beliefs about what each relationship should look like. It’s the investment of the picture that causes the hurt when the image is not lived up to. If we let go of the picture there cannot be hurt.
Great sharing Adele, pitfalls of holding pictures explored for all to see. Most relationships falter when not based on what is really going on, but on imagined pictures. I love the way, once you caught the picture at play, you brought yourself back. You didn’t try to fix the relationship by going into drive or push, you stepped back, took responsibility for yourself and gave your son the space he needed and when you did, there he was.
Spot on Kehinde, the power of observation is strong and allows us to feel exactly what is needed in each situation.
We can hold pictures about relationships close to us also. Two elder siblings, related, but estranged, the older of the two diagnosed with cancer. One possible picture: perhaps they would contact each other or be reconciled when news of the person’s illness became known. It didn’t happen. The flaw in the picture was expecting a ‘happy ever after ending’, whereas in truth no foundation existed for either one of them to move towards the other. In situations like this, we accept what is, knowing it is not our responsibility to try to fix it.
This blog really highlights how having pictures can distort what is right in front of us to respond to. We set ourselves up for great disappointment when our pictures are not met.
Well said Rachel – this is the set up that we play into: have a picture or expectation, find someone does not meet up to this and then feel hurt and hold the other at a distance when they ‘fail’ your expectations. This achieves separation and conflict and does not support us to connect and re-unite in harmony – hence resulting in reduced intimacy and connection in all relationships and a lack of trust too in current and future relationships that get laced in this way. The key thing is that we play into this game – and so we can also choose to act differently and choose connection over disconnection.
This is a great blog because it exposes just how many pictures we have about everything. For example we picture how the date we are going on will pan out, we picture what to wear, what to say, if we have family and friends we speak to them and so potentially take on their pictures, ideals and beliefs rather than relying on our own abilities to know. I feel pictures are our downfall because we are disappointed when the picture we have built up in our minds does not come close to what we are experiencing and so we feel let down.
Yes, smashed pictures leave us not feeling equipped to deal with what is in front of us, yet actually if we clock the picture and why it is there we find we are equipped to deal with it but we have been programmed to believe that security is the most important commodity.
Love how this highlights the foundation (or not foundation) of relationships and how we can’t just expect something to change unless we have put effort into it.
Without foundations no house is built.
And that includes our relationship with self, ‘I am deeply enjoying the deepening of relationship with myself as it is impacting on all the other relationships I have in my life, such as how I am now able to hold my son in much more understanding of the choices he makes.’
It is amazing how quickly we can turn something into a picture, in a good or bad way in our heads! We can reinterpret pretty much anything to mean what we want it to be even though it may be completely different. Which is why we can have so many differing views with each person believing they are right.
I can clearly feel what life feels like when I am owned by pictures, I can also feel the times when I have dropped the pictures and just surrendered to what is in front of me instead of any need to control… this brings a greater understanding to life.
Pictures are like multi pairs of crutches that hold us up, though what happens when we lose the crutches … we either fall down and fall over or instead surrender unto ourselves and to what’s next.
Very true Zofia, the effects can be devastating or can be very liberating when we let go of pictures, for me it comes down to how attached and invested I have been to them.
I often find when I have expectations that another person will fit a picture of mine, I have often gone into some sort of control.
Yes when we have expectations we try to control how our life, our day, our date etc. has to be for us in order to fullfill a need for security or a need to be loved and to make sure we will not get hurt.
The pictures we have seemingly protect us from seeing what is going on in the world, both outside, and in our own homes and relationships. By dropping them we can work with the truth of what is there.
Yes I can see that, and if we resist then we ill-equip ourselves to deal with what is in front of us putting us back in the loop of trying to control what is in front of us!
When we understand what pictures, as referred to in this way, are, and what it is like to actually let go of them, our life develops and evolves in a totally different way… That’s just the way it is… No pictures please :-).
At times we have a misunderstanding of what true relationship is and put pictures against it of how it should be. Only when we are open to and willing to let go of the pictures, true relationships can emerge and bring us truly close together in an intimacy that not picture exist off.
It is great to let go of expectations – not just those we put on others but those we put on ourselves too.
On further consideration if we are putting expectations on others we must be putting them on ourselves too for it always starts with us. Expectations are very imposing and stifling.
At times it is very hard to have no expectations as it was so normal to me to have these. I had these as a form of protection and the idea to have control or my grip onto life. It is a blessing to let these expectations go and enjoy every moment for what it brings in all its unexpectedness.
Yes and not to even expect the unexpected ha ha!
Well said Nicola, let go of pictures and expectations that we put on self.
When we have pictures we have expectations and expectations bring tension.
When we let go of those pictures we allow space to be open to what is true for each one of us.
We can even have a picture of what space looks like although we know how it feels.
Very true Sally, and even if the picture may be an amazing one they always bring with them a need and expectation to live up to something rather than just allowing us to be and what is there to be in full before us.
“Learning to be in Relationship without Pictures” – is learning to be in true love.
Funny (absurd not ha ha) how we have to “learn” to be who we truly are!!!
It is crazy really when we think about it, especially when we look at children and naturally they are this way. So we essentially are returning and unlearning what we have been taught in the world about how we should and need to be.
Pictures are really hard to beat. I constantly get flooded with images of how things would/should turn out and it makes it very hard to just be neutral and be appreciative of where I am at and be completely open and surrender to what is next.
That could also make you appreciative of where you are at for it takes a lot of awareness for us to be aware of how just how flooded with images we are and to discern the falsity of them. When we are less aware we think they are true or who we are.
Pictures weigh us down with what we believe or hope and prevent us from feeling the truth.
Pictures even though they may look appealing and attractive end up being the ultimate saboteur because of the expectation and a demand for those pictures to match up to an ideal we have. They are the ultimate in attachment and cause of distress, tension, conflict when that demand isn’t met.
One of the biggest pictures we carry into work every day is how much work we think we can get done, or what we want or need the outcome to look like.. this then puts a pressure on our bodies to ‘get it all done’ to a particular and perfect standard which is detrimental to our health and draining. Learning to work in a rhythm where we feel what’s needed from moment to moment, committing to it and ourselves 100%, and letting go of attachments to pictures of needing to get stuff done, is a work in progress but well worth it, because it’s a way of working that truly sustains and nourishes us.
‘The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.’ This is very wise as we seem to think we all need to want or see the same thing but that is not what true harmony is about. There is a natural flow and order that serves both the individual and the whole at the same time. The problems arise when we deviate from this lured away from the path before us by the pictures that arouse desire and need within us.
Our pictures of how things ‘should be’ often get in the way of how things actually are.
Letting go of our pictures of how things should be does not mean that we should compromise on what we feel to be true for us.
How much of life is ruled by the pictures we have, creating the ideal to live up to and then leading to us trying to control everything so that the picture is maintained. Gosh how exhausting is this?
‘Learning to be in Relationship without Pictures’ – this is true freedom, not only for ourselves but also for our relationships to be their natural and full potential unencumbered by our expectations.
Yes and what it then becomes is more beautiful and enriching then any of the pictures could ever bring us. There is a superficiality to the pictures, a ticking the boxes that always leaves us wanting the next or more. In our natural expression there is only a continuous deepening.
The mental pictures govern us until we do not allow it anymore, after a long process of discarding. So, they are behind our expression, verbal or not, open or not… until they are not.
Pictures can be detrimental to a relationship. For instance how many people get married but do not discuss their pictures beforehand and later find out that they do not match. Why is it that we assume people have the same pictures as us?
Very true Julie and also how easily we can create pictures about marriage and relationships and the way we think they should look like without even realising we are doing it.
It seems like our lives are just one big construct… Full of pictures and images, expectations and beliefs. To even start to let go of this is an extraordinary step forward
It is a great reminder to come back to of how easy it is to judge pictures about how we want relationships to look like and be like. I know for myself the moment I want things to be a certain way I am invested in them and so even if only slightly at 1st adapt and change myself so the picture gets fulfilled. But this means I am moving away from the love that I am and choosing an energy to create the picture. Which then means even if and when the picture is fulfilled I am left with a sense of emptiness, a sense of not being content because I have left myself. And what if as I have found at times when I let go of pictures what then comes is far grander then I could have imagined or thought possible.
Is it possible to live a life without pictures as they seem so ingrained in us? The answer is yes but only if we are prepared to address and let go of everything that we have invested in such as right/wrong, good/bad, comfortable/not comfortable etc.
Being attached to a picture of how we want people or life to be gets in the way of us truly feeling and knowing how to respond to events with love, it’s like it clouds our ability to clearly see what’s going on and so clouds our ability to respond and interact clearly too. I think it’s great to bring more awareness to the ideals, beliefs and expectations we can be attached to and how this can impact all our relationships, thank you Adele.
“Learning to be in Relationship without Pictures” – dropping the tiniest picture about we have anything in life (and that leads to expectation or attachment) creates the biggest portion of unrestricted space inside us. And who really enjoys or likes being restricted over an otherwise spaciousness?? It makes total sense to me to work on losing the pictures and embrace what comes from this.
Holding an image of how life ought to be completely drains us because we are trying to live up to something that is completely untrue.
It’s also no fun!
It is crazy how many pictures I find I have about relationships, how they could be, should be, how I want them to be etc.. which means I taint them rather than allowing them to be simply be. The moment I go into trying the other person feels the need from me for something and all quality is lost. The only counter to these pictures I have found is establishing and building the relationship with myself so it is supr solid and then cannot be wavered by anyone else, then I can bring this quality to everyone else without the need to be anything for them or them for me. When we meet each other in this fullness its when the fireworks really happen.
There is so much space, respect and appreciation to enjoy when we allow each other to be ourselves, free from expectation, need and/or control.
And this takes our relationships to other levels, ‘I am now able to hold my son in much more understanding of the choices he makes.’
When we let go of feeling like we need to please others, and just do what we need to do, what is there, naturally to be done, it’s quite incredible how this has a ripple effect and allows others the space to be more themselves, without being imposed upon by our need for them to act or be how we want them to be.
Affording ourselves and others the space to be ourselves/themselves, is the foundation for true respect and relationship.
It’s an uncomfortable realisation to feel how much we’ve capped our relationships with others, and ourselves, because we’ve been measuring them up against pictures of how we think they should look or feel. Starting with our relationship with ourselves, if we’re constantly judging ourselves for how we should be or feel, then we squash any room for expansion and growth, with our own heavy expectations.
I agree Bryony, we are so often our worse critics, plus judge, jury and executioner! The more I go ok what was done in the past is in the past and what matters is what I do now and in my next movement then there is no time for guilt, regret, self bashing or judgment. We are not here to be perfect rather forever learning and so the more we embrace this the less attached I find I am to having pictures about how things should or could look like.
Some great examples of how we put our own expectations onto others and then get disappointed when they don’t work out; top this with poor communication and there you have the family life.
The moment that we have a picture of how things ought to be we are lost because in that moment we cannot see the truth of what is before us or around us.
Very true, it is so easy to get lost in pictures and in our heads about things that we can miss the truth and the beauty that is right before us.
It is wonderful to start to be free of pictures… In the raising of our children this is incredibly liberating, and an amazing relief for our children as well 🙂
Having a ‘picture’ of how things should be prevents us from knowing how things are.
Mostly I see that I am completely ruled by images about how things “ought” to be. It is a work in progress every day to simply observe what is there before me without colouring it with my own interpretation.
The colours we choose to make those pictures more appealing come through at speeds that we often don’t take into consideration. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.
We paint the perfect pictures in our imagination but they rarely equal the framework of truth but are always an opportunity to live who we are and not dictate to ourselves how we think we should be and do.
Exposing the pictures and ideals we have invested in allows for us to have a totally different and loving connection with another.
When we create pictures in our head of how something should be or turn out we invest in those expectations – and when that particular picture gets smashed we will always feel a sense of disappointment and disillusionment. Why put ourselves through that unnecessary cycle when we can simple stay open to the joy and opportunity to learn (as uncomfortable as that can be sometimes) in every experience we have.
The more we keep seeking pictures of how a relationship should be the more we are offered less than the truth of how not only others are living but the lies we are willing to sell ourselves of how we are living.
When I have expectations about anything it always ends in disappointment because life is not meant to be boxed in but allowed to flow in each moment.
“I am deeply enjoying the deepening of relationship with myself as it is impacting on all the other relationships I have in my life, such as how I am now able to hold my son in much more understanding of the choices he makes” – yes, when there is acceptance the picture falls away to leave a clearer space in which to understand deeper or more deeply [the relationship].
“So we enjoyed the rest of our trip and continued to enjoy a deeper relationship with each other, even though our daily choices are completely opposite in life.” This would not have been possible without the absolute honesty that you and your son had on this trip and the willingness to let go of the pictures and be yourselves. An inspiring sharing, thank you.
When we get caught up in trying to match a picture we had created in our mind in our relationships or even during our normal activities during the day, it has felt to me that we then limit something else from developing that may ultimately be more supportive for us or that we can learn a greater lesson from and grow.
We allow our pictures and beliefs to define the way we live and indeed what we see. Allowing ourselves to feel and observe we can start to release these old straitjackets.
Thank you Adele, it brings back the equalness of relationships – the science that when we have an expectation we are actually bringing in a force that is disruptive and unloving.
To see that when we actually bring in understanding and see the expectation for what it is – any relationship is more allowed to grow! And evolve to even more..
Reading this I could imagine I would have started with the same pictures. I would have wanted us to spend lots of quality time together and make the most of the holiday. Yet expecting that is not allowing any room for how the other person actually feels. Also if the connection and similar rhythm is not there between two people before the holiday, its expecting it to be fixed by the holiday
It is interesting to observe that when we go on a holiday we expect it all to be fun and easy with our family, friends or partner (and ourselves) ignoring the fact of how we live every day and how wefeel everyday and that this exactly is what we will take with us on holidays. So that will be too what we will experience on the holiday. It’s just a different location, we ourselves and others in themselves don’t change. Hence the broken expectations…
“I am deeply enjoying the deepening of relationship with myself as it is impacting on all the other relationships I have in my life..” – so true Adele, the way we hold or take hold of ourselves as we live life the more we hold others in that same way too. I recall how the beginning of my own self-love brought more easeful love for others too. Deepening this love is what living is all about.
Realising that we have pictures and seeing our part in those pictures is priceless. Otherwise, it is easy for us to go into blame mode.
Having a picture of how things “should” be absolutely cuts us off from the beauty that is before us each and every day.
We seem to live our lives built on ideals, beliefs and expectations always looking to the future to see what is ahead. I remember a time when I was a young woman working at the Zoo where everyday was a joy, I loved working there and I did not look ahead I just enjoyed everyday as it presented it self. So I know that there is a way to live that is beyond ideals and beliefs and the pictures we build. I wonder if we make these pictures up because we are bored with life as we know there is so much more to life than what we are currently living.
Expectations are rampant, and society is setup so we grow up with expectations of what love is, what parenting is, what a friend is. Universal Medicine is the only organisation I know of offering a way to dissolve the expectations and let love be the way.
That is each and everyone’s responsibility to develop a relationship with themselves as this does impact all our other relationships. The more we live true to ourselves, the more we can let others be true to themselves, it has an amazing ripple effect when we work on ourselves. Not always easy as those old patterns and behaviours pop up to be reviewed, healed and discarded, but truly worth the effort.
It seems that one of the most difficult things to do for a parent is to truly let go of all expectations and pictures and letting the child chose their own way in life, bumps and pitfalls included.
Recently I had a couple of conversations with parents about the pictures they hold for their children and how it is almost unescapable. The problem they all identified is that the pictures are never lived up to, always causing disappointment, either in their child or in themselves. Parents often feel they have failed if the picture of they were holding for their child is not fulfilled and children mostly feel pressurised into being something or doing something they themselves would not have chosen. In all cases both lose out.
‘The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises’. An awesome insight and wisdom Adele, and to have this understanding with our children makes for happier and healthier relationships. I love how you accepted that you and your son had different rhythms in the morning giving you and your son the space to do what was true for you both.
Having pictures of how something should look always brings disappointment because we set ourselves and others up by not communicating honestly of what feels true of each person involved. Communicating feels key in all our relating.
To free our relationships of the rules that we have either made up on the basis of our reactions to life and previous experience or that are arbitrarily set by society, offers us the opportunity to see things very differently and that includes what we mean by family. The more rules I dispense with, the more family I realise I have, to the point that, cheesy though this may sound, I realise we are all family and there is the joy and inspiration of responsibility here.
When we do let go of ‘pictures’ we may just find that everything that we meet has an ‘unexpected’ rhythm and order of its own.
Gorgeous Victoria, and so true, because when we let of pictures and investments, opens up so much space for things to unfold naturally and mostly always ‘better’, than we had in our head!
Loving re-reading this blog Adele. Our lives are filled with our ideal pictures of how things ‘should’ be in life to keep ourselves cocooned in protection and be not challenged in any way. In my experience these pictures lead to huge disharmony with ourselves and others – yes, brilliant at keeping us small and squished into a box of ill choices, rather than being in the awareness of the energetic truths of the universe and The Grander Plan we designed to be part of.
Having a picture of how something should look or be absolutely destroys our ability to just read the situation and respond appropriately.
” I had to let go of the picture of how being a mother should be ”
This is a huge learning and great for kids , for when parents come with a preconceived idea , everything is put in place to manifest this picture. But there is no freedom in preconceived ideas, therefore no real free will and therefore no real life.
Great what you have shared here in how when we go away on holiday or on a trip with others how we subconsciously feel or think things will be different because we are in a difference place! However if nothing is truly addressed or expressed then nothing will change. What I love here is how open and understanding you are with your son, you didn’t get cross, angry or blame him you gave him his own space to just be … really beautifull and a lesson for us all.
We have pictures that affect every relationship. Even pictures on what is and is not relationships. Expectations, beliefs, ideals or judgments on how things should be, which at the end of the day is imposing on another. The phrase that comes to mind here is “Live and Let Live” Living life with ourselves and others without pictures.
Awesome to read your blog again Adele. I am realising how easy it is to allow the pictures of what a relationship should look like get in the way of deepening and developing a more loving and harmonious relationship. I have a lot of pictures to nominate and discard, so it is so supportive to read your beautiful sharing.
Learning to be in life without pictures. The more I learn about life, and me in life, the more I realise I have been and still am ruled by the pictures of how things should be and how I should be. True freedom is letting go of life in pictures.
Me too Jennifer, I do exactly the same thing. I also agree, letting go of pictures and expectations of how things should be is true freedom.
When we give each other space without expectations of what a relationship will look like or especially how someone else will be, there is a great opportunity for blossoming and things that do happen can be a really beautiful surprise.
Totally agree Jennifer, in the letting go of expectations everything expands; the expressions that may have never been given the space to be.
I am going to really look at what you have presented here Adele – smashing pictures in relationships as I can feel how many I continue to hold onto. Thank you.
Reading through the comments, looks like you are not alone in this 🙂 And I have definitely been at the mercy of these pictures about how things should go, what they should look like, how we/I/they should be. Great practical examples of how they can play out, and what can happen when you let them go.
Wow! I can really relate to this blog and have experienced similar situations many times. I have to catch myself going onto pictures, which don’t allow me to see the reality of a relationship. If I am trying to make it work or have a connection, I feel disappointed when it doesn’t happen and they feel imposed on. Not a great combination! Although not enjoyable at first, honesty is the best way as it is the only solid foundation to build on.
Learning to be in relationships without pictures require first to realize that our primary relationships are with pictures before they are with people.
This is beautiful Adele, ‘I am now able to hold my son in much more understanding of the choices he makes.’
‘…if we try to fulfill roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment’. This is an absolute gift of a quote that offers me the exact tool I need to support some profound relinquishing of roles and pictures.
“I also had to let go of the picture that, because we were on vacation, our rhythms would suddenly unite.” Yes this is the illusion that we can fall for that a holiday will solve our issues at home when quite often they do the opposite and hi-light and bring up something for us to look at.
Its similar to changing jobs or moving towns. Just because we move doesn’t mean that that we have left our problems or issues behind.
I learnt early on in my relationship with my daughter not to have pre-conceived pictures of how things should look like because they always went pear shaped and never worked. I once took her on the London eye thinking it would be a great thing for us to do but she was more interested in a colouring book she had brought with her.
This made me giggle and squirm a little when I consider the number of times I have planned things with a whole script and picture of how they will turn out. Children are very good at exposing this…
Communication and honest expression moves relationships forward. No matter what others think, we can hold our relationships to feel loving for us. By dropping the pictures and images, we let go of how things should be and they evolve into being beautiful how they are.
Holding images and pictures of how things should or could be limits us as it places conditions on situations and ourselves and others and blocks our learning and therefore our evolution.
Holding a picture or image of how things should look prevents us from being able to appreciate what is before us.
It is great to let go of pictures, ideals and beliefs, but go with the flow of honouring people and their space. It is with this flow that people come together to spend true valuable time together. There is a mutual honouring and respect.
I experienced this yesterday, I had taken a vacation day from work as my husband and our two boys were off as well. Biggest learning from the day was, don’t have pictures beforehand of what we could get done or do together. After the yucky emotions of being disappointed and feeling let down by the pictures not being played out, and throwing them away, we all ended up doing exactly what felt true for each of us. The boys stayed home and my husband and I went out for lunch and went down town which was great.
Great comment Aimee – how important it is for us to throw pictures away and do what is true for us. I can feel how much I completely ignore what is true for me and give my power away to pictures. A work to honor what is true for me is forever deepening.
Images and expectations of how we want things to be are very controlling and draining, in contrast it is worth considering what would it be like to live life with no pictures, expectations, or beliefs?
When I do let go of ‘pictures, expectations, or beliefs’ the sense of liberation and flow is properly exquisite.
True parenthood is amazing as we get to offer another space for them to be themselves, no pictures, no impositions just the opportunity for them to connect to the profound wisdom of their inner heart.
Our pictures are indeed quite insidious, the more we are aware of them the less power we give them, and so we then have a choice to let them go.
I am appreciating more and more the layer upon layer of ideals and expectations that I still have and the understanding that the hurt I feel isn’t from ‘the situation’, it’s from having this false, destructive way of being in the first place and the harm it has caused in my body, which I have then affected everyone else with. The lessons we learn from surrender and listening to the wisdom being shared from our body is truly divine.
‘hanging onto any picture does not bring us to full truth.’ …. this is a biggie for me at the moment. I am feeling the layers of control that I still have in my body. I find it so hard to allow someone I love to walk their own path when they seem to be in free fall. Everyone’s learning is different and I know it’s for me to allow the space and give permission ‘energetically’ for the other person to ‘fail’ if that’s what it takes, while continuing to hold them in love for the amazing, divine, being that they are. Living this is challenging, which is my learning, such a beautiful opportunity for me to let go of this destructive pattern I have held for so long.
Not having pictures – or expectations – in any relationship this feels hard, yet when we let go of these constraints we can feel a freedom to explore and deepen how each relationship we have can unfold.
Very true Sue, with pictures we are missing out on the magic and deepening of relationships all around us.
“I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.” Expressing and communicating how we feel is so important in every relationship. How else can the other know whats going on with us? They aren’t mind-readers!
Things do get messy and tricky when we have pictures of how we want things to be, and inevitably they are not going to match with another, so the only way to understand each other and to see the truth in our pictures is to express how we feel, then this leaves less room for misinterpretation.
As a parent, not having pictures is one of the hardest things to do, and yet, it is indeed one of the most liberating for all concerned
” rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means. ” I love this line what a learning and what a great service for your son , thank you for sharing Adele .
Doing things from the ideal of a picture we hold is purely functional and mechanical, and contains none of the natural magic that comes with true impulse and connection.
“….if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment” – Adele this line is awesome and true.. it confirms the enormity of possibility and potential when there is space through the unlimitedness.
The pictures we hold do not allow us to be with truth and all that is and unfolding before us.
It is pictures that separate us even when they seem to connect us or be the common ground we may meet on as they don´t allow for a true meeting of who we are, the pictureless inner beingness that we only get to express and share when there are no pictures in the way.
At times relationships seem to be a process of exorcism of all the preconceived pictures we hold to eventually be free to truly meet each other for who we are.
That is so true Alex, discarding all that we put in the way of us simply being with another…and isn’t this what we all want.
It is sometimes difficult to get a balance when our children are growing up. How much freedom to make choices for themselves do we allow while considering their safety and enjoyment plus giving them some responsibility ?
We have all sorts of inaccurate images of what family is. True family to me is being with people in a way where we see them for who they are and allow them to express that in full. That can occur with anyone that we meet therefore we are a global family.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was.” We presume that once a lesson is learnt the momentum behind the original decision will be gone, but it takes time and space to halt the pull to a particular pattern of behaviour. Part of that is understanding why the choices are part of our environment and what we have created around is in order to be in that momentum.
What a learning for us all – to honour what we feel, and build a relationship based on honesty and not being nice.
Beauiful Adele – impact-full, simply showing us another way of being with oneself and how that is actually changing all relationships and the space we offer to people. By this we grow – and allow all others to grow at their pace.
The way you describe these pictures is so tangible Adele, like a big physical canvass we carry around everywhere we go. We think we are richer the more we acquire but the weight of the gold plated frames just bogs us down and gets in the way. Imagine how free we would feel just to set them aside and move on somehow. Your words remind me of the beautiful simplicity of living expectation free and not needing anything to be a certain way.
When pictures control our lives it set us up with expectations for a certain outcome and when this is not met it leads to disappointment and upset, feeling others have let us down. It also puts us into the realm of right and wrong with blame and judgment. Not a pretty picture.
Pictures in a relationship result in missed timing, and outcomes which disappoint, so learning to be in relationships without coming from pictures or beliefs is the first step to building true harmony and love with another.
I know if I have a picture, or expectation of how someone will be or what will happen, and then my picture isn’t met (which they never are), then I go instantly into reaction. The picture almost guarantees that as an outcome.
Not being attached to a picture of how we want things to be or think they should look like opens us up to being more free to express and truly understand the bigger picture if you will of any situation…
I am uncovering how I have many pictures about how I should be, and how restricting this has been throughout my life. I’m giving myself permission to let them go.
Having an image of how things should be is so debilitating and totally draining.
‘If we had not built up this foundation together in Hong Kong, how would this be possible all of a sudden just because we were in a different time zone’ Sometimes our pictures are merely wishful thinking and bear no resemblance to the truth at all. We can have a ‘relationship’ with someone and barely meet them, as in truly connect with them at all and far too often when we do start making deep connections we run for cover. Building relationships is a bit like building houses . A strong foundation is vital and due care and attention is needed step by step to make sure nothing is left unaddressed, as we progress in a steady manner we surprise ourselves at the depth and richness and the holding capacity and the fast growth of the site.
When we really start to analyse, our life/ minds have been flooded with pictures, and it is often we are carrying a picture about how we want something to be and this causes our dilemma when life doesn’t meet what the picture is. Without pictures there is simplicity and openness to have a relationship with what is happening and responding – rather than reacting when the pictures are shattered.
It can be scary and liberating when we stop our attempts to control and allow others the room and space to be responsible for their own choices.
A year after this is written, it is beautiful to observe that both of our stubbornness have dissolved extensively, we still have our lifestyle choices but we are doing more things together not out of obligation but because we truly enjoy each other. This has not come from changing ourselves but from no longer needing the other to be a certain way, which is a deeper acceptance of ourselves first. I constantly feel the disharmony that could arise or do arise with people holding onto expectations of how life should be and hence how others should be, and so before a conflict actually happens I would commit to communicating clearly. I find that there is a lot of communication that needs to take place, to be brought out in the open, for stuff and emotions to not fester and rot hidden, so really communicating is super important.
Yes that is so true and such a confirmation of what you both chose. You have to be the one to stop imposing a picture first though, as the person in the relationship with ‘supposedly’ the most power. That imbalance comes with a lot of responsibility and as you took ownership for what your needs were it left space for magic.
Such an obvious thing to say, but are we in relationship with what is actually going on in front of us, or do we think we are but actually trying to have a relationship with something completely different… built on the picture of what was going on (and not feeling the moment) or worse still how we would like it to be. Super important to keep being real.
This is super great Simon, thank for sharing.
There is much to be said in observing and allowing others to come to their own understanding and changing patterns rather fitting our own pictures of how they should behave.
I know I have to resist the temptation to provide solutions to people, even when they have asked for my advice. That again is based on how I think things should go, and not allowing them to come to a decision themselves.
Freeing ourselves of the pictures around relationships, means opening up our hearts to people and letting them in without conditions. No strings attached, no pictures to be locked in, just come as you are because who you are in your essence is adorable. And that becomes the baseline for the relationship – to deepen the connection with the essence, for the people in the relationship to evolve to who they truly are. That’s what’s on offer when we let go of the pictures.
I am about to go on holiday with my family, husband and children, what is different about home and away, in truth nothing, but will I place pictures and ideas on what our relationships should be like when we are away….something to look out for and not go with preconceived notions of what makes a good trip together or a good relationship.
Until Universal Medicine the concept of living by pictures was completely foreign to me and yet I have spent almost my whole life living by them. It’s when I have a mental picture of what should or will happen based on past experiences, and when life doesn’t go the way the picture says was so 100% sure that the picture is/was the truth we react. The detriment to our health and I reckon the cause of many conditions can be rooted in the pictures we hold. I know the health of my relationships is so vitally connected to being honest with the pictures I carry, otherwise it leads to assumptions and miscommunications.
Living life allowing another (and ourselves) to be who they truly are is indeed a beautiful thing; that is living without imposing ideals, beliefs, expectations or pictures.
Pictures disrupt and distract from the real potential in relationships.
There are so much pictures around being a mother and how to relate to a child. When we are becoming aware of them then we can let go of these pictures, ideals and beliefs that are underneath and the truth can be felt in our body so we can make other choices like ‘being a woman with parenting duties’.
I’ve found that the more I sit and surrender to the pictures and ideals the flood into my brain I am able to then, learn what is true and not true and let the moment take its own natural course.
Having pictures of how life ought to be is a great way to destroy what actually is. This is detrimental for all relationships.
Our children can feel the moment we want or desire something from them – our picture – and this can send them in the opposite direction of where they possibly may be heading anyway….
Pictures disguise what is really going on.
Pictures are indeed so limiting of seeing what true love is. True love might be not doing the same things at times even though being together somewhere and that does not mean you are not deeply connected and caring of each other.
What a true joy it would be to live life without pictures, ideals, beliefs and expectations. I loved the way you worked with your son to come to an understanding and a way of being with one another; in love and truth.
Letting go of the pictures, ideals and beliefs about how things should be opens a whole new world of understanding, making way for true connections.
Holding another with deep understanding allows no room for judgement, expectations or pictures.
The willingness to express from our bodies and not our heads allows us to dispel that which is not of truth for it is only when we hold onto those pictures of how life needs to be that we halt our evolution and divert away from the true love and understanding we could otherwise be for all.
Pictures, images, preconceived ideas of how something or someone should be or behave – they don’t work and invariably lead to resentment on one side and disappointment on the other. It is very liberating when we free ourselves from these limitations and enjoy each other for who we are, in openness and with love and understanding.
The pictures we hold take away the joy of living in the moment and get in the way of us experiencing true relationship with another.
Pictures trip us up all the time, and not only on trips! If you think about it, most of our lives are constructed around our pictures and expectations of how we think things ‘should be’, not to mention the ideals and beliefs that underpin these. No wonder we think people and life let us down.
If I have friends over for dinner and I make it about getting together to connect rather than having a picture of what it should look like the evening usually flows. When I try to force things to make the evening a certain way it usually is not a harmonious event.
If we stopped making life about ourselves we wouldn’t have pictures – because we’d be too busy deeply caring about people and doing what needs to be done.
I am in the most incredible relationship without pictures – we got to know each other really really well before we met each other – so ‘pictures’ couldn’t have a hold over us when we met. It was and is amazing.
This is such a big area that bombards our every waking move. So often I will feel as though I have clarity on a situation and then the pictures come through faster than before. Thank you for sharing that imposition and judging that comes with creating and living with a barrage of pictures that in the long run harm us all if we are not willing to bring more clarity and truth to our day.
I have found it fascinating quite how many pictures I have created around relationships and how I want them to be rather than allowing them to unfold and simply be. The problem is for me the pictures have destroyed the magic that is there and usually ends with me getting frustrated that they do not look like how I want them to be even though they may be perfect as they are.
Letting go of pictures, creates space for true connection with others free of filters, prejudice and preconceptions and without expectation of a desired outcome or behaviour. This is freeing for ourselves and all others.
The pictures about family and notion of spending time together is an insidious lie that we’ve subscribed to. Nominating the pictures (of course when we become aware of them) would be super healing! Reading this blog highlighted the pictures in relationship and family. Thank you for sharing!
The heading for this blog says it all; a simple yet powerful message for us all to not have pictures, ideals or beliefs in our relationship with ourselves and our relationships with others.
Pictures really can be the realtime prisons we can enclose ourselves in, some that we don’t even know we are doing. The subtle expectations we put out onto others, the wanting them to be something that they simply just are not. These can be very damaging and destructive.
The pictures we live with are unfathomable in their volume and frequency. It is well worth considering what pictures we hold and lovingly letting them go, for they hold us prisoner to a false and at odds with the truth we will otherwise know and live.
This blog shares the experience of the writer with her son but how often does this relate to not only our family but the people we see regularly in the shops we buy our groceries from or where we fuel up our cars each week. There are so many pictures that judge rather than give us the opportunity to stop and just allow whatever is needed at that moment to present itself. In our fast paced world ,we can so easily get caught up in wanting to fix or solve yet the learning is far greater when we allow things to be shared and just be.
Any picture prevents us from truly and absolutely be in unity with the heart and the soul, we are still sold short. When we take the step to surrender to no more pictures, there is a freedom that no picture can even describe.
I get a very strong inspiration to allow and not impose on others how I think things should be, particularly with our children, yes there are responsibilities to fulfil within family units that live and work together, but there is freedom required for others to make choices, this is how we learn.
In my experience too being locked into a picture of how we want things to be or think they should be hinders us from truly understanding where others are coming from and feeling what is needed to bring harmony in any moment.
This really is a big picture… we hold pictures of so many aspects of our life, and consequently we are continually being disappointed. Imagine if we live in a way that enables us to be in the livingness of what is actually going on, with no pictures distorting our view.
It’s the inner and outer tension felt from these pictures we hold onto that hinder our connection with the natural flow of movements that we can enjoy if we so choose. When we live from our connection to self, it then allows space to observe and we see the world with an open heart, this is where the true relationship with all starts.
When we hold pictures we are blinded by them, unable to see with unbiased eyes what is before us and prevented from being truly open to receive and respond as needed.
Living without pictures and expectations is the most respectful, accepting and loving way to be in relationship.
‘I had to let go of the picture of how being a mother should be’ This has been a huge learning for me… and still is – but so gorgeous to untangle myself from the ideals and images of mothering and family that are so imprisoning.
And such images keep us drained and perpetually disconnected from those we love.
The many pictures we carry are a way of keeping us separate when we are all craving connection from within.
Is that because we are performing rather than simply being ourselves?
Having expectations is like carrying bricks on one’s shoulders, it’s debilitating and in the long run can have a severe effect on the human body, it also compromises our nature as we buy into how we need to be in this world in order to fit pin instead of claiming our full expression and deliver it to the all.
I realise after reading your blog again how often I allow images and expectations rule my relationships. I have been aware of some obvious ones but the subtle ones are equally damaging. When I stop to examine the details there are a lot of images I allow to get in the way of developing loving relationships on a day to day basis. Great to pay more attention to this and work on letting go of images and expectations that blocks a deeper connection with myself and others.
Pictures are a false alternative to the living truth we will otherwise know when we are connected to Love and in the flow of life as it unfolds.
I have enjoyed reading what you are shared here Deborah how pictures are false hopes and what is bombarded on social media and in every moment of our day. So, if the pictures are false where are we searching for the truth? I found the truth in the words of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. No pictures or ideals just a real man walking the truth in every moment.
Pictures and ideals create a false filter through which we see life and promote attachment, control and outcome- driven living.
So true Deborah, the force behind living in constant drive makes it seem impossible to stop. Bringing awareness to the fact that this false way of living is not true or supportive is a great start in breaking away this harmful momentum to allow space for more loving choices.
I am finding that one of the big keys to having loving relationships is to bring understanding. When we bring understanding we are choosing to see the other persons’ essence rather than their behaviour and this stops us from reacting to another. Reacting to another takes a lot of energy and is detrimental to our health.
Yes living without pictures is an ongoing process. We are just bombarded with pictures all the time, also that are embedded in us from a very early age. Something I continue to look at is to see if the ideals and beliefs that usually surround the pictures we hold, are full or love, understanding and appreciation. If they are not, or have any ounce of reaction involved, it usually will mean there is picture we are holding.
It is interesting to observe that the pictures we hold are generally all about serving self-gratification, what will make us feel good, and delivering a sense of satisfaction. As such we are so focused on attempting to making our lives fit into the pictures, we forgo seeing what is really at play in our lives, and how we can bring and respond with all that we already are within to the moment at hand. I agree Adele that ‘that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’- beautifully said. This highlights how surrendering to being in a loving relationship with our selves first we are able to meet another in love, and without expectations of another delivering fulfillment that are driven by pictures.
How important it is to live with a fresh canvas, without imposition of prior experiences, projected occurrences or interpretations and how immeasurably important it is to approach life with understanding, to observe and to allow each of us to be where we are in any given moment.
Yes, it is so mad the amount of energy we use managing our expectations and projected scripts in life… there is no allowing of each moment to unfold.
Carrying pictures of what will look good is an age old trap, I recognised it with myself many years ago especially on Christmas day. There would be the build up of getting everything ready and it would look a certain way, but when the day came I was too exhausted to enjoy it, and it never went the way I had imagined. but then the next one would role around and I would do the same thing.
When we really look at our lives and see the extent of these pictures we build up and then find they do not play out like we want them to, and then go into reaction, and act like we are hard done by, it highlights how vital clear communication is within relationships.
I have had pictures on how things should look in every area of life and everything I have done is based around those. Especially in relationships. What something should look like becomes more important that the relationship itself and being as one in relationship. Its super important to really see the effect that living from these pictures has.
It is so true Jennifer. In letting go of pictures I have discovered how freeing it feels to actually live in connection to a realness that comes from just being ourselves, and the joy of evolution that is experienced.
Pictures can never be the real deal for they are flat and without life and the livingness has long past or yet to arrive at that juncture if at all. We are setting ourselves up for smashed hopes and dreams when we invest in pictures rather than allowing life to unfold and responding whole-heartedly to what is before us.
A picture is either right or wrong, but in love there is no right or wrong.
We have the idea that if a picture is fulfilled, we will be fulfilled in some way; and yet, pictures are always a lesser version of what is actually possible and will never leave us feeling deeply content – even if they do play out the way we wish or hope.
The title to this blog itself shows how we are governed by an endless line up of pictures to suit our every move and how this impacts the quality that we live in. Thanks to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine we are offered the tools to bring light to what is being feed “just pictures’ and not the true YOU!
I was talking with a friend yesterday about pictures and how they incarcerate us and harm our relationships with others – it was really amazing to share this insight (a knowing we all have) so openly.
Pictures can ruin anything… it is the perfect way to set ourselves up to be disappointed, saddened, hurt, angry, frustrated or just plain discontent. Accepting life and people for who and what they are, letting them in, and seeing life as it presents as an opportunity to grow, develop, express and learn is key.
The teachings of Serge Benhayon on ideals and beliefs has truly been a life changing experience for me The quality and depth of understanding in relationships far exceeds where I thought I would be many years ago. To understand how these can harm and hurt ourselves and others is truly criminal and goes against what we innately know is our ability to live and work in harmony with one another.
Pictures … expectations… ideals… beliefs… so many things just waiting to, if we allow them, to run our lives. Letting go of these pictures we can start to live from the impulse of the moment, where true living ‘lives’.
Yes having pictures we hold in relationships, no matter who that relationship is with, can be a recipe for disaster. We create expectations that we then measure people against, we don’t hold them in love and therefore there is always a lack of understanding and appreciation that creeps in. Learning to let go of pictures is an ongoing process for us all.
It is a beautiful thing to allow another to just be who they truly are without us imposing on them something that we want them to be.
That is what we are all asking to be in life.
Absolutely… so beautifully expressed Elizabeth and Adele. It is all that is needed, for us all to return to each other.
…and imposing on ourselves how we think we should be – free of these impositions we are open to the amazing potential of every interaction and relationship.
True – less imposing and deeply loving to live and let live.
This article and working with The Ageless Wisdom Teachings continues to inspire me to explore honestly what lies in my relationships with others (the pictures, expectations, conditions…), and the more aware I am prepared to be, the less governed and controlled I am by them. I reckon this is an always unfolding and the richness that I sense is possible in all our relationships is amazing.
We can have such high expectations of ourselves too, because of these pictures and then when our pictures are not fulfilled we feel we have let ourselves down in some way. I can see how learning to see through these pictures is so important so we can let go of the expectations we hold of others, but also ourselves.
What would living without these pictures be like? I feel like I would be present in the day, without preconception of what would happen next. It seems like I would naturally be a lot less in my mind, less calculating and considered and concerned with being ‘right’. I sense that there would be a beautiful innocence, a curiosity in me, wondering what life will offer up now. It feels like in this state of wonder, it would be so much easier to be prejudice and judgement free – to be the real me. But most of all it feels like I would have no ‘control’. And reading your words today Adele I realise just how lost these pictures make us – because we think we are safe and sound but actually we are steered around and around in the same old circles. This is not a pretty picture at all!
We are plagued by so many pictures in our lives and at times we may not even be fully aware we even have images for certain situations or relationships. I have found letting go of these pictures to be a constant process and one that not only leaves greater opportunities to deepen our relationship with self, but also allow us to observe life and all of our relationships equally so.
Sometimes the pictures are so strong and words are also tangled up in them that the only way forward is show it in how I am living and my own commitment to change.
Yes and I also notice the difference when I consider how consistent and steady I am… am I able to sustain a commitment to work, the quality of my interactions with others, a level of self care and respect… if not I am definitely caught in performing to pictures and beliefs rather than following true impulse.
The pictures are oh so insidious too, things you think aren’t even pictures, are, however we have just gotten used to them because we have held them for so long and we are shown by society that that is the “way forward”.
Letting go of the pictures we hold is sometimes super hard. They are ingrained in us so much that at times we don’t actually want to let them go. What you have nominated here though is so beautiful, and without perfection. It was just in being aware of what you were holding, both of you about what your holiday could be or should be, it is in these expectations that we loose it and allow reactions to present, instead of allowing, understanding and love to be the foundation.
I know that one all too well, not wanting to let go of a picture. But what the Esoteric Healing modalities have supported me in is to feel the tension and ill that is caused by holding on. It’s like I get reminded of how tight my fist is and reminded that I can move differently. It’s like we get stuck in a rigid set of patterns, as Adele shared trying to arrange time with her son. That when we move differently it breaks up this hold.
Every day, I am made to be aware of a picture I hold, an expectation, a desire that I want to be filled, and it’s such a liberating moment when I recognise them so that I am ready to let them go – no matter how ‘good’ and ‘right’ they may appear to be.
When I stop, pause and consider all those mental pictures I create around life; all those expectations and burdens I have carried it’s a wonder that I can see anything clearly that is right in front of my nose. Our mental constructs stop us from reading life, as it is, right in front of us.
Recently I’ve been feeling a level of grief for my life not looking as I had promised myself way back when I was little. It’s been awesome to feel how I’ve held onto them for so long; I’ve carried the hopes and dreams attached to them, as well as the hurts they were conceived to avoid. So choosing to be open to what is on offer has allowed me to let go of them. They were fashioned from watching 1980s North American children/teenage TV and surfing videos! Like how limiting is that?!
I had to laugh Karin, “They were fashioned from watching 1980s North American children/teenage TV and surfing videos! Like how limiting is that?!”, definitely not from the loving holding of your inner heart. Expectations and pictures are such a set-up and manipulation away from our true purpose.
The double loaded hold back in creating pictures is the investment we have in each one of these. How others should be and our input is what often distorts the ability for any relationship to get real and allow for growth and change. This blog is a simple and common example of the various ways we play this game throughout our day with the people we see regularly, when making new friends and those we pass each day in our daily commutes. The pictures are no doubt a way of keeping us separate when we are all craving connection from within.
Pictures are so damaging they stop and true form of connection with ourselves and all others. The thing is we love them as it keeps us in individualism.
The more we allow people to just be themselves the easier it is to be around them and enjoy them. Things go wrong when we want people to be just like us.
Or when we place expectations on them that does not allow them to be them.
Especially when we are out of routine, we may have pictures how a weekend break or well deserved holiday may be. The truth is that we are never not reflecting so letting go of the pictures is very liberating to allow anything to be how it will be without needing to know how this will look.
A relationship without pictures offers us true evolution in every way possible as there are no impositions only our connection to the divine.
A very clear view on how pictures work or actually disturb the truth and or lived way that is being lived. This is a very great example of how pictures clash and so how only the love and understanding for yourself and another person is deeply enriching and over the other to be more, not our head full game or any pictures at all. A beautiful learning for us all.
I’ve loved rereading this because I can see how I set up tension and strife in all my relationships – so that’s me not living up to how I think I should be, me not living up to how I should be at work, how work should be to me, how my life and God should be to me (yikes!) Im missing the gold 💛 that is before me as I blindly look past, beholdent to images. Could it be that all the while I have the most amazing life and I’m missing it?!
My own pictures of what I think I should be doing get in the way of me fully enjoying life. How much work I should do at the weekend is a picture I have recently been looking at. As I work on this one there are other pictures I have that are coming up for me to unpick and deconstruct.
I was recently talking to a member of my family who has a teenage son, and she finds it difficult that he does not want to go out and hang around with other boys, he prefers to be at home and they feel he is a bit of a loner. They have built a picture around what he should be and what he should be doing based on their own ideals and beliefs. But he is not them and it is unfair to put expectations onto our children to be a certain way because we hold the picture of what that looks like. And we laughed because how funny it is that they are behaving in just the same way that their parents behaved towards them. We are seemingly ruled by the pictures we build up based around the ideals and beliefs we have about how life should be. I feel that it is these pictures that we have that keep us stuck in the rut of life we currently live in.
It’s not surprising the popularity of images on the internet, facebook and the like we see today. It is not just because we are fascinated by the visual side of life, but because, as you show Adele, we use them as safety blankets, things we can hold on to, that seem to reduce the fear, trepidation, and the nervous tension we feel. But here you illustrate how the reality is it is the other way around and that it is actually the expectations we have about life that run us into the ground.
Living according to the pictures we hold condemns us to a life controlled by someone or something else. We are the essence of love and love has no boundaries. By holding a picture of how things are to be and usually this is about what love looks like or how we are loved, can mean we miss out. This shows that the choices are ours and what can unfold from open and honest sharing is what loving is all about.
I love this sharing Adele, it is such a practical, real example of how we are given visions of how we think life will be, but they absolutely stand and get in our way. Like a ‘psychic’ reading we get a huge comfort from what we think the future will bring, but in buying into that we box, reduce and minimise all that the universe brings. Sure we might feel ‘better’ at first but wow – with these pictures we are the ones being constrained by a frame.
That sense of tension when pictures of how we anticipate something to be is smashed is not something we speak about very often and yet it is the cause of so much hurt. If we can spot the pictures, we can also offer an opportunity to take responsibility for our own part in the picture and I have seen great change come from these opportunities.
Thank you for sharing Adele – letting go of control is a big one and what a breath of air it was for you to do this and not worry about other people. It shows we’ve built this fake ideal of things needing to be a certain way just so we get let down and then build a hurt and tension in our bodies.
To openly express how we feel without needing to be understood or be right, supports us to expose and let go of the pictures and conditions that drains and damage our relationships.
This blog holds such a great piece of advice because there are different relationships where we clearly hold different pictures from mother and son, to partners or friends and a trip with any one of these might bring up a picture for each of what that trip would be like. Its great to consider letting go of those pictures and letting each meeting be what it is and not what a picture informs you it will be – that can definitely lead to disappointment or disagreement when pictures don’t match. Thanks Adele.
If we were able to honestly share our pictures or scenarios that we are wanting to play out with another, with them at the time, perhaps we could then pinpoint what we are really needing and stop any further investment into whatever that need is and then get to feel, we don’t actually want that thing anyway and that it was not the real us that wanted it.
It is great to talk about the pictures we hold and smash these as they serve no purpose and we have so so many pictures be it with how we should ‘look’, relationships, marriages, work, friends, lifestyle, holidays etc etc. As you so rightly say ‘if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’ Pictures actually cap us from being who we truly are and allow our life to unfold in a way that is true to us.
“The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world.” Thank you for this introductory line, it holds so much. If we allow pictures to rule our lives there will be even more pictures of possible stories ceaselessly joining the pictures we have already, creating whole story books that have nothing to do with what is truly happening. From my own experience I can say that communicating, respectfully and clearly as you say Adele, is a key to deleting many of these pictures we hold.
The more pictures and images we collect the further away we are from truly understanding what is going on and further away from truly connecting to each other.
To be in any relationship without pictures is paramount for our evolution.
To understand that the mental pictures fix us, hold us, and restrict the flow of how relationships can develop is pretty cool Adele, because with the understanding can come the release of that pattern. And then without the pictures, we can be completely open to the future of how the relationship will be.
First and foremost its important to be in a relationship without pictures, expectations, demands or pressures on ourselves. There is no fun, joy or evolution in this.
Our expectations of what life is supposed to be are lovingly brought crumbling down by the simple act of understanding one another.
Relationships crumble and break down when we place pictures and expectations on them. Pictures and images of how a relationship should be suffocates it and stunts the growth and expansion of what relationships are truly about.
Our pictures hold us back from the ever awaiting expansion before us.
Pictures of how things should be can ruin everything. They can govern our whole life and we don’t even know. Without acknowledging this we are not free to make choices that are actually true.
Beautifully expressed Rebecca and absolutely true. First being aware that we have chosen to hold on to these pictures in our relationships is key and then we have a choice to continue to hold onto them or let them go.
I get more and more awareness of how I am with my sons reading this again. Pictures really leave us all shattered, exhausted and way too serious. We can think we are disappointed or upset or even hurt by another person but in truth for me it always comes back to a picture I’ve had first.
Today with the internet and TV and films we have access to more images than ever before. And we can see how these visions of how life should be are actually really unhealthy for our being in a serious way. The expectations they bring blinker us to the true beauty, flow and reflections that are always present for us in every moment of life. Thank you Adele for this beautiful blog.
I am currently being given the opportunity to learn all about the effects of holding images of life and that we can become lost in this and expectations placed in the anticipation of an outcome we believe is ‘correct’ or ‘right’ rather than allowing what is there to unfold from a free expression of what is true in each moment.
Most relationships are entered into on an unspoken agreement based on wants or needs. In the beginning we are happy to compromise because our needs are met. But in time, when our original needs have been met, we start to question our own compromise. That process can take 2 months or 50 years, but invariably the tension caused by not being true to ourselves starts to unravel things. So there are two important things to learn from this. Firstly, be totally transparent about who you are from the very beginning. Better to be rejected from the outset, and thus create space to be met by someone who truly accepts you. Secondly, learn to be very aware of what ideals and expectations you impose upon another in relationship. For in time, if you do not do so, those impositions will create tensions in the relationship that will inevitably lead to its demise.
A very valuable lessen to learn, to live in the moment and not what a preconceived picture of that moment should be. In the past I had so many New Years Eves that were really dumb because I was expecting them to be something fantastic and that was the picture or image I had of how they should turn out. However in reality when I wasn’t expecting much or didn’t have an image they turned out great.
That’s how I approached nearly every birthday…with a dread of how is it going to be, is it going to be how I pictured it or is it going to live up to everyone else’s pictures too. Not having any pictures around anything is love, it’s like putting yourself to bed when tired or making a healthy meal.
Adele I love your awareness around how we can expect the momentums we have built to be gone in a moment and yet the pictures which these momentums are built on are so entrenched. Without a picture of how life situations and relationships should be we can be a little lost in the beginning.
I love the concept of us being limitless in any moment rather than limited and controlled by the presence of pictures that serve no purpose other to deny us appreciating and accepting the truth that any moment could otherwise offer us.
When I have a picture around something, there is definitely an agenda and control at play and this is a dead giveaway for me when things don’t go according to that picture. Great to expose these limiting pictures that are held and choose a truer way of moving through something.
Holidays have always been an area of tension for me in the past, because my pictures where so structured, it would be a certain way with a certain outcome. When we are aware of those pictures, we can deal with life much more ease…and less expectations and so less disappointment.
I am definitely finding that the more I free myself and therefore my relationships from pictures and expectations of how things ‘should’ be, the freer everyone is to grow and learn.
Pictures are smashing many relationships, taking them on causes a expectation that is based on nothing more than an ideal, it is our responsibility to step out of this and get ourselves to develop our relationships from the truth, that is presented to us in being present any moment of time.
It is interesting how insidious the energy is with pictures, they can slip back into my head without me noticing until I suddenly realise they are back. A group of us have been having discussion too about pictures in our walls, what energy do they hold and what do they represent? Discerning this is all a part of our clarity and learning.
When you say relationships Adele you are essentially meaning ALL relationships that being with ourselves and with others but equally with life. How many of us hold pictures about ourselves, about time, about all our chores, and even our goals in life? The importance of understanding is massive when you consider life like this.
What I am noticing more and more in relationships is how communication is key if we don’t talk to each other yet hold these expectations, beliefs, ideals, grudges or simply not expressing how we feel then our relationships and love can never evolve but will just stay stagnant. Also we can fall into a trap of because we have known the other person for a long time we just won’t bother (it is easier to carry on how we are) .. this is never healthy!
As I read your blog again Adele I realized how the entire human race holds itself to random as a result of holding onto the pictures of how things have to be and so much more. We make our own prisons.. and move in them day to day and interrelate with each other day to day from our own fortresses. Freeing ourselves of the pictures that incarcerate us frees our entire being – life has an exquisite flow and people gravitate towards us feeling the warmth and joy that we are in.
How often are pictures presented to us throughout the day of how we should be, respond and feel? There are so many ways in which they filter into our expression and often it is when the actions have already occurred that we stop and realise that there is little or no truth in what they bring. Thank you for sharing that the images that can rule our lives are far from supporting us to understand that there is a simplicity in how we live that does not play game with the judgement call on others or allows the pictures to rule our lives. It is when we make our relationships about equalness and allow every moment to develop on its own that we can then step back and see little is needed to be said, yet there is a whole lot more to feel.
Holding onto pictures affects the movements in our bodies limiting the volume that can come through us making us needy and seeking recognition from others as we cannot see the divinity within ourselves.
I know for me I spend a lot of time reacting to life because it doesn’t meet the picture, instead of flowing with what is in front of me and meeting it with all that I am. I imagine (pun intended) that even having pictures means that we are not truly present with ourselves and in the essence of love within. After all why would we need to expect anything or preempt a sense of control over the future if we are living from the love we are in essence?
I smiled when I read the part about organising things to do together based on the ‘picture’ of how you thought it should look. I have done the same many times and if I am honest it never really worked as both my sons and I could probably feel it was not what we wanted to do but had all gone into pleasing mode with each other. Thankfully that does not happen now and it feels so much lighter to simply express truthfully, valuing the honesty between us more than being held in an old pattern and living by a picture.
This is a life changer, if we drop the pictures of how life or we should be, we are left with the possibility of living who we truly are and observing and accepting life in its current state. However, the current state of the world is the one we created according to the pictures we held which we thought would deliver us something as an individual.
Gosh how many pictures we (I!) carry! This is eye-opening. But I specially love this line: ” to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” Ha! What reflection that is. That I am a woman first and than see my duties of partnership, mothership, and so on. This corrects the ill ideas and pictures of how to be would be right and worth to strive for. Far out. I am a woman first. Full stop. Now feel this. I am a woman first. This changes – not just my – world. This is taking responsibility for who we are and what we are made for to offer to the world: Femaleness.
‘What I have observed is also a very precious opportunity, and no doubt an ongoing one, for me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.’ – Adele, this is huge and a discussion well worth. The role of being a mother in todays society comes laced with endless images, ideals and beliefs. We sorely need true reflections of parenthood.
That first line says it all for me really, repeatedly, without fail, every time I voice my pictures and ‘out them’ , explaining how they play out in my mind it’s like I get to feel the quality of these pictures. They sound so attractive in my mind but when they come out they never match reality nor allow for any growth or challenge to life, they never expose or allude to the fact that there is more to life and to ourselves. And when outted they clear up the air in my relationships as while tucked away there creates a gap for assumptions and judgements, of myself and others.
Thank you Adele this is so supportive and a very revealing sharing of the pictures we live with and are constantly feeding us creating a need and feeling of this and not allowing for true understanding of others and their pictures also, hence the conflicts of the world ! what a beautiful way to be if we let go of these pictures and allow our selves to truly express and really feel what is going on and for others being without the images only love and the honouring of us all.
Cookbooks and the amazing photos of what it should look like – are we applying the same relationship we have with food to the relationships we have with others?
‘…we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment. ‘ How true this is. I have images of how I expect to be treated, what friendships look like, how I should behave/feel according to age, experiences and so on. I have seen people argue and fight for their image to dominate and dictate the situation. I’ve fought vehemently in this way myself, set myself up for hurts when people haven’t lived up to my image of what I expect and regret when I’ve not managed to fulfill an image of where I should be at.
If I buy into images I lose understanding and the connection I can have with myself, others and the gold in each moment.
Letting go of pictures or expectations of others was certainly highlighted for me too when I went overseas with my husband to visit his Greek relatives and my Italian relatives- of which both of us had not previously met before. When I had an expectation and had not expressed clearly what I wanted to do for the day, tension arose. However, when I openly expressed what our plans were or just went with the flow and appreciated what the relationships were bringing I really enjoyed the time spent with the relatives.
Connecting to them first and then expressing made all the difference in my interactions with them.
Totally letting go of images that we are holding onto means we have to feel why we were holding onto them what emptiness did they fill up and what do they stop us from truly connecting to.
Until we realise that we are being fed mental pictures we do not see that we can choose to hold onto them or not. We tend to believe that this is the way it has to be and find it hard to understand why others have a different idea. So it is a big step to not only see that we have a picture but to realise that conflict arises ‘when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture’. Once we allow this space for another to be as they are, we not only free them but we free ourselves of having to live up to the expectations and demands that we placed upon ourselves. Then we can be in the ‘unlimitedness of the moment’ as you so beautifully express, Adele.
We actually reduce the possibilities in life when we want life to fit our pictures and ideals. It is a poor game of reductionism we play which in fact reduces life from all the spectrum of colours to a narrow monochrome.
If we are holding a picture of how things should be we are more likely to override what we feel to be true in the moment.
Yes this is true. The pictures render us blind to what actually stands before us in any moment.
I find my mind often returns to find pictures to return to but I know this can cause problems when the expectations aren’t fulfilled. Our awareness of this can be highlighted by examples you have described here Adele, and the more aware we are, the more able we are to let it go and simply be.
I’m exploring pictures I may be holding of how my relationships should be, and how that actually stifles the intimacy and connection to another because it creates reactions to others borne out of a desire for someone to fit in with my picture. It is amazing to stop and clock this and how not expecting another to be perfect brings so much more love to each interaction.
When we focus in on one particular person and all the things they do that don’t meet our needs and expectations, our attention to everything else falls away, which is crazy when you think about the number of people who we affect by getting frustrated, annoyed, agitated or emotional! Is a member of our family or someone we’re ‘invested’ in being a certain way really more important than the rest of humanity?
Great comment Susie W, this really puts things into perspective.
I realized that I hold on to pictures to feel safe and also to control situations and relationships. To give myself into the flow of ‘what is needed will unfold’ can be scary – but just as long as I choose to not connect to who I truly am. By connecting to my divine nature, I am connected to God and my own divinity – this is combined with the knowing of what is going on and therefor it is standing. Evolution is on play and I have to play my part. The more obedience I can offer the empowered I am.
Great insight Sandra, that we ‘hold on to pictures to feel safe and also to control situations and relationships’ and that this happens only when ‘I choose to not connect to who I truly am. We don’t need this false security when we are ‘connected to God and [our] own divinity.’
The greatest gift in a relationship is the joy of evolving together. Pictures are always an imposition from the past, when we bring them into the relationship it’s a goodbye to evolution.
I have come to learn, often the hard way, that having expectations is not only a futile and frustrating exercise, but it also can limit the opportunities that may be possible if we simply allow what comes next to unfold.
This article is a point of great support and inspiration for me as I continue to navigate and learn as a parent.
We can get so caught up in pictures of what we expect another to do for us that we often do not even see or appreciate what they are doing.
We are constantly bombarded with what Life should look like. The perfect life when the reality is there is no such thing. Just learning to be ourselves is enough.
Letting go of the pictures allows me movement and the freedom of development. Just as in the still of a movie shot, we don’t want be trapped in time.
Ha ! Your analogy with a movie brought me to see that I often like to know how it will go on in a movie or book, so I can relax and sit back (like to control life). …but from sitting back I get no growing, no evolving, no joy of vitality. Sitting back is no stillness but stubbornness and disempowering. I make myself to a viewer where I am designed to be a player – with no chance to change my role here. If I sit back, I am still a player, just chained by my own.
Learning to be in a relationship can seem difficult with others when we have not brought all of ourselves to the situation, so when we aren’t fully with ourselves, emotions and reactions can come in simply because we don’t have our own love as a support.
Being able to let go of pictures in relationships is so important, but can be challenging as we are riddled with them. From dawn to dusk, we are presented with what and how relationships should look like, emotional love, romantic love, how we should live, what that should look like. This generally creates a lot of complication when we look outside of ourselves and align to these pictures, they create also expectations of ourselves and others.
Expressing our feelings is so important, even if they’re not true, expressing them allows that to be exposed and for us to develop a deeper understanding for ourselves.
And here lies some very very awesome life skills along with parenting skills….which really, is all one and the same.
We are so laden with pictures that we are often oblivious to the fact that they are there. Pictures of how relationships should be, of what we should look like, of how our kitchen should function, of what love means… The lists go on and on. The path of evolution requires the awareness of the pictures, so it can be seen that they are not real, but beliefs stubbornly held onto. With the releasing of just one picture, more awareness of living from a true sense of what is needed is possible.
Absolutely, Heather. With the release of one picture not only is ‘more awareness of living from a true sense of what is needed’ possible, but also the opportunity to honestly consider where else I am governed by pictures.
If we don’t have this understanding of how relationships work as you have shared here Adele there cannot be any true love and holding of each other in the first place. Understanding and experiencing the joy of seeing the other come more into their full and beautiful gorgeous selves is all part and parcel of the natural growth that is what a relationship is founded on.
When we understand that our pictures and expectations are an imposition on another and therefore not part of true relationship, we will understand that relationship is all to do with what we bring to it and not what another brings to us.
“…or me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” – being a woman with whatever duties we have in our lives, but not identifying ourselves by them is a shift from the way we often see ourselves as women.
Learning to not have expectations as well, as this just puts demands in people and tries to control them.
As soon as I have a picture I am seeing myself up for tension, failure and creation. I am shutting out God.
I am aware of letting go of pictures when I discover them, however, I am also aware that whilst I still find myself reacting to people and situations, there are more lurking there, hiding from view, but still influencing the way I am choosing to be.
What is so debilitating about all the pictures we hold on to, is often, we are not even aware that we have them and how we judge people by these unattainable ‘standards’. Like a virus spreading through relationships.
Wow and yes I get the virus analogy and it can be a virulent spread. To arrest this dependence on pictures and expectations is literally to free everyone from an insidious imposition.
Your article has given me the opportunity to delve into my own pictures surrounding my elderly parents and my brother and sisters……as I am about to visit with my family the timing of your writing Adele has given me the space to ponder my movies/pictures before the upcoming visit. Thank you.
‘ I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.’ I have been expressing alot more recently, feeling what is true for me with others expressing as well. It is noticable the harmonious feel when expressed it is not remaining in my body, and how I had been seeing things may not actually be how they are.
I can imagine that comprising to another’s pictures is even more toxic than expecting others to meet our own. Either way we are running our lives to a mental picture rather than the truth of each moment.
It would appear that we expect life in general, including most of our relationships, to play out to our preconceived ideas/pictures, and we do this mostly without even thinking about it. A very thought provoking piece of writing, thanks Adele.
This article is supporting and inspiring me as I go off on a trip with my sons… no pictures! Thank you.
If we are allowing pictures and images to influence how we are in one relationship we will probably be doing so in others too.
There is a parallax with the outcome of the pictures in our heads and architectural drawings, both come from our minds and have expected outcomes. Modern building modelling plans now have the ability to let you do a virtual walk through and will render the finished work with high accuracy. Our mind also does a vivid walk through of what we would like to create. Is life a journey or a book in our head that never ends the way we expected?
I have been seeing how many pictures I still hold on to and how it is these pictures that create the problem, clutching onto a picture guarantees disappointment and frustration.
Understanding the way pictures control our lives and how by letting go of them we allow another space to make their own choices and grow from them is truly remarkable and essential in building true intimacy in our relationships, otherwise we end up imposing on others and resenting them for their behaviours with no space for true change.
Releasing ourselves from the pictures we hold is an amazing process of unfoldment … I can feel how my awareness naturally develops every time I allow myself to feel and see the mindset I am carrying.
We hold so many pictures of how we think things should be that we don’t even realise. Even having a close relationship with someone is based on a picture or an ideal of having a partner. Choosing to be single is also based on a picture. To be aware of these pictures and ideals and being honest about them is the first step to breaking them down.
We drain ourselves in order to keep our children ‘entertained’ when all they really want (us too) is to feel the warmth of connection.
I think the more true honesty and understanding that we have with ourself and awareness of what expectations or pictures we may be attached to, of how we think we would like things to look, the more understanding we can have of the choices we make and understanding of where others are coming from.
I agree. Honesty is key. And this has changed for me from not simply not telling lies to other people, but actually moving though veils of deception to the sweetness and simplicity of being honest with myself.
Awareness brings understanding. Knowing I’m reacting to a picture not truth, supports me to move on.
A very relatable article Adele and gentle reminder of the false and potentially harmful pattern of holding pictures in our heads about what is to be. When we do this we’ve moved into the future. Rather than being in the present and moving from what is true, we are in our heads creating pictures.
Even just the first line of this blog holds such magnitude: “The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world.” This is deeply inspiring because you really bring conflict down to a simple choice about the images we choose to hold about ourselves and about each other.
So often our relationships are based on our need for our pictures to be met and are not true relationships but arrangements.
This is a really interesting relationship expose- the pictures are constantly fed to us that make us feel we need things to be happening according to that framework that pre-exists, and persists unless we challenge it.
This is an incredibly supportive piece of writing for all our relationships and right now I am letting it inspire and guide me with my kids. Thank you, Adele.
Reading this I struck by how much I am fed pictures. Pictures of my day, of how I would be like at my age and then how different life is. These pictures can inform how I relate to others which is crazy because I’m relating to a picture and not a person, a set of expectations and not what’s there asking me for a response. I can grieve because my life isn’t conforming to the set of pictures I bought into many many years ago. So much extra stuff is created this way. And the simplicity of life is hidden.
Yes Karin, when we really take time to reflect on this, it is incredible how many pictures we create for ourselves about how we think our lives should be and what we want them to look like. We can totally set ourselves up in this way for disappointment and even grief as you say, whereas if we had no pictures there would be no expectation and therefore no room for anything other than an acceptance of what lies in front of us.
This is sadly so true Karin, I totally relate in the way I have placed expectations and conditions on people to conform to the pictures I believe instead of appreciating what is being shown and vice versa
I agree, Mary, and also remember endless days as a child where there was no plans, just being in the moment and going with the flow.
I recently exposed another false picture I had been holding about how I should be in relationship with my daughters. It was much more subtle than the other obvious ones I had addressed, but there was unnecessary tension in my body when I was with them, so it felt great to let go of.
We are being fed pictures every single day. Realistically it is impossible to live up to all these pictures. Feeling what is within brings me back to simplicity and truth. These pictures on the outside then do not have the control over me anymore. I welcome their existence but equally so there is a sense of freedom within that allows me to be in the world amongst the many accepted pictures, without changing how I feel about myself.
I’m starting to realise just how many pictures I hold, every now and again I just get shocked with “Oh my god, that’s a picture”. I’ve had so many moments like that in the past week or so, and it’s beautiful to realise that I can drop it just like that.
It is interesting and may be challenging sometimes living with people who may make different choices, but I am finding that as long as there is a respect and no abuse, we can live in harmony together. I get a regular reminder not to impose or judge others, and life does not fit a specific picture, but gives many opportunities for change and growth. I am finding open and honest communication without the pictures definitely supports relationships.
A picture paints a thousand words… and causes much tension when those words are not expressed. To me, that’s the antidote to having pictures and expectations of life and people, to communicate what the images are, even if it just to ourselves.
If we hold a picture about a situation we can miss the opportunity it is presenting.
Holding a picture of how you want another to be can be a form of control and smashed pictures are a source of conflict in many relationships. It is great Adele, how you came to see that two different pictures do not need to clash if we give the other space to have their picture. To do this though we need firstly to recognise the two different pictures and be willing to let go of our firm attachment to our own picture and the demand it would place on another. By allowing another to be they feel our love and respect and respond accordingly and it’s lovely to read how your relationship deepened through your understanding and awareness of what was going on.
‘ . . if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’ Adele, I like this: ‘be in the unlimitedness of the moment’. This gives us space to respond to whatever is needed and expands us beyond what our mind reasonably expects, allowing divinity to be infused into whatever constellates for us. This opens us up to way more than what we might think we want with our pictures –they do indeed limit us.
The more we observe and recognise the pictures we hold, we are empowered to break free of their energetic impost and control over us, over our reactions, triggers, thoughts, beliefs, and also how we use pictures from resisting the greater awareness that is potentially on offer in each moment. Hence the more we are open seeing the pictures we run with, the more free we are to observe and truly see what is going on before us – and in this saying yes to the offering of ever deepening awareness.
“So every morning I would follow my usual routine of waking up early and going for a walk, while my son would follow his usual routine of waking up late and skipping breakfast. Because of this we never had the chance to go to breakfast together, and my picture of having common time together during breakfast was smashed. If my son wanted to sleep more, but was then asked if he wanted to go to breakfast, his picture of doing what he wanted to do and making his own choices would be smashed and both of us would feel tension within us.”
Your example Adele, is showing how many pictures, ideals and beliefs most of us are carrying.
There is the picture how it should be on the one handside, but perhaps too the picture of what would be health on the other handside and the third one a breakfat together shows the love we have for one another etc. There are so many layers of pictures which can be layered upon one situation. So it is a great step to free oneself and expose those ideals and beliefs. especially those ideals and beliefs seem to give us a form of stability and safety, so letting go of them is a step into a freedom but also vulnerability.
Pictures in relationships can be pretty damaging in the sense you can have an expectation for someone to live up to and hold them to that rather than appreciate who they are in full and allow hints to unfold. Thanks for sharing your experience – it is great to read this.
Having pictures of how a situation needs to be, doesn’t allow for inspirations or the space for something different because the control around that need, tries to control the event. No wonder our own pictures butt up against others ideas, because holding a picture means your not in the flow and tensions then creep in.
The mental pictures we hold onto are often there in the background and we are so used to their presence that we don’t even notice them. It is great when something happens, so that we do notice them. As they significantly affect the way we behave and how we expect things, ourselves and other people to be. As a picture drops away it is like releasing a shackle and we are more able to be ourselves.
We tend to see societies issues with social media addiction, pornography and computer gaming as new developments for this age. Yet what you share here Adele makes it clear that we have long been disturbed and polluted by these mental constructs and images we receive. Today’s media is just an reflection of this game that is played on our inside.
Pictures are a setup and come with a huge amount of expectation. The expectation leads to disappointment which leads to conflict in a relationship. It’s hard for anyone to win in this game and its a game that we can step out of at any time.
One point you are making is how much tension it creates in our bodies when we create pictures that the world around us is not living up to. Unless we bring attention to it, which is exactly what you have done here, we will override it and wonder what hit us further down the road when it manifests as a condition in our bodies. To pay careful attention to what is going on in our bodies is the best medicine we can ever give ourselves.
More and more I am catching those pictures that I hold with different people and in different scenarios. It’s very rare that our pictures correspond with another’s, hence where the tension can arise. It would be so much more helpful and hold far less tension if we could express the pictures we are holding onto at the time so that others may not react, and to keep it open for a much more honest and true interaction.
I find it amazing how much we have pictures or ideas about how we want things to be. I have wondered why and for me it usually comes down to wanting to have some sort of control over the outcome or the other person – ie. do it this way and I know the outcome – do it another way and I am not sure what will happen – but when I think it why would I want things to be repeated when love is forever deepening and offering us more? And also just because someone may not being what I think is best perhaps for them that may actually be a supportive thing to do and something they need to learn. What it exposes is quite how judgemental I have been when I have allowed those thoughts in.
Ironically these pictures that we create to help us feel safe and happy do exactly the opposite. They keep us in our own world and separate from the truth and have us feeling frustrated, sad or angry, anxious, nervous or tense when they don’t match what actually is. We can save ourselves so much trouble by staying really true to ourselves and giving others the space to do the same.
Expansion comes from our choices.If we carry a picture of how our choices are to unfold it is denying us the chance to discover and learn more about others and ourselves equally so. It limits our possibilities and opportunities to grow stunting our evolvement and connections tenfold. Allowing ourselves to be and not holding our ideals and pictures onto others opens up the way for great connections and the learning and growth is there for all.
Analysing our pictures, seeing where they come from and what we are using them for is a great thing to do. Letting go of them isn’t always easy, but letting life flow in the way it does is so worth the effort.
We all seem to, at one time or another, take on roles in life and as you say with such clarity “if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.”. This makes so much sense as if we are always trying to fulfil the pictures we are probably missing out on so many other opportunities that are waiting for us to live and enjoy. I am beginning to see that living life without pictures is a much more liberating and enjoyable way to live.
I understand that most of my anxiety and tension in my body is from having this concept that I know what needs to happen and I try to make it happen. I am focusing on just taking life one step at a time, making choices from what is happening at that moment. Trusting that if i do not get in the way things will happen that can guide me. What a much better way to live, flowing with life rather then trying to control it.
It is interesting how many pictures I carry and often am not aware of them It is a huge blessing to get aware of our pictures in order to make a choice.
Discovering the pictures that I hold has been very liberating…. and as I come upon more and more, my body is getting to know the feeling how different it is – being held by an image or being free of that for any constellation to occur.
This picture thing not only relates to relationships but to all aspects of life, how we think our work should be, what our appearance should look like, how our family should behave, the list in endless yet if was to take away those pictures those ideals and beliefs that can literally exhaust us we may well find life flows and the magic that is God’s love will be known.
Great sharing Adele, its crazy how pictures can destroy relationships and cause so much problems. I use to have lots of pictures in want to support people, family and friends. But in truth what I learnt is that does not work, so now I am focusing on my movements, and letting go of any pictures I have. Knowing that within each other person they have a spark within them to make a choice in what is true for them.
This is so true Amita: “pictures can destroy relationships”. I certainly know this as I grew up with the belief that the man of my dreams would come along, we would get married and live happily ever after. Well I did get married, young, and as a result of carrying so many pictures in my head of what married life was going to be like there was a lot of disappointment and very little ‘happiness’, and eventually the marriage came to an end.
When we get a picture stuck in our mind of how it should be, we can become dogmatic in our pursuit to reach what we feel is the objective. When the end arrives, and our picture is proven wrong, do we still only begrudgingly concede defeat? What is wrong… with excepting we made a mistake and letting go of the pictures?
I find having a picture is restrictive and imposing, blocking the potential and allowing of what is already there to be experienced.
The different pictures we have learnt to live with and from, can be totally controlling our lives. It is weird to know that we all more or less live something we are not, but that we think we need to be…
What a beautiful and precious learning Adele, thank you for sharing and supporting us to feel the unlimitedness of the moment;
“The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment”.
With each picture that we caste out, we also throw a chain over life. The life that we have created is completely choked in chains, heavy, burdensome, unnecessary chains. Each and every chain must be seen for what it is and removed, thereby freeing life up to be what it naturally is.
If we base our relationships on images, then it can be difficult for children and people in general to understand why sometimes they’re having a relationship with their mum/friend/family member/colleague etc., and why at other times they’re just having a relationship with these imposed images and ideals.
This is a great inspiration for all of us to examine the pictures we still hold onto in relationships and the lives we aspire to have, as the pictures reveal the places that we still look outside of ourselves for something that we have unresolved within us.
When ever we have a picture we already have a preconceived Idea of how we want something to be and if we don’t express this it can end up being confusing and complicating and bring disappointment to what could be a simple and lovely time together. I know whenever I have a picture there is an expectation that someone else will have the same picture too.
Adele, you have touched on a great subject here, because it is such a fine balancing act with pictures and parenting. I find that so often I will know or feel in my heart exactly what needs to be said or done to parent or discipline my children, only to then doubt this based on images I have of what parenting and discipline ‘should’ look like.
‘When we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises’. How can it not?
It is no fun for anyone when someone is doing something to please the other person or out of obligation and it is exhausting because both people know what is going on, and are using an enormous amount of energy to not feel this…hence why it is exhausting.
Letting go of pictures as you share here Adele is amazing and really does free us up to be who we truly are . An amazing sharing and very inspiring ” to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means. I am deeply enjoying the deepening of relationship with myself as it is impacting on all the other relationships I have in my life,” beautiful.
In a way it’s good we have different pictures because if we would have the same pictures we can be doing something that is not true yet not noticing it as the pictures do not clash. In that case we could be living a lie thus feeling something is not quiet right yet it would not be obvious what is wrong so we doubt ourselves and so on! All not looking at the real issue.
I wonder if sometimes, when our awareness increases and we become aware of some ideas or pictures we have, whether there could be still more ideas or pictures to discover? I found that the first step is to identify something as a picture but that becoming aware of one does not mean we are aware of all.
Pictures, expectations and images do imprison us. To get aware of them is a truly freeing process.
I also feel it’s important we don’t have a ‘them and us’ attitude when being with or speaking to people who might not choose to live the same way or make the choices we make – this can create separation and arrogance. Which is not love. I feel many people can do this.
It is very important to not have pictures with ourselves, how we ‘should’ be, live, speak, act – it’s extremely diminishing and attacking of ourselves – we are basically saying we are not good enough, living from our head, and constantly striving to be someone or someone else that we think we should be – instead of seeing and giving ourselves credit that we are already incredible and everything we need to be. Pictures are pure evil – in it’s truest sense of the word. They keep us in separation.
Pictures are subtle. Even a picture of not having a picture is ….
It is so true that there is so much more space for appreciating others when I am not constantly measuring and judging them according to my pictures and expectations.
Letting go of pictures and expectations in our relationships frees us up to be who we are and opens up more space for love and appreciation.
It’s amazing how many picture we hold – or more accurately that hold us, and lock us literally away from each other. We don’t let ourselves see the person, truly, deeply, that is before us, because we’ve already laced them with the pictures that lace everyone we meet. It’s something I’m wanting to get underneath as it were – i can see how much I’ve been held by pictures and how much this keeps me away from receiving and sharing so much more love and joy that is available (when we are picture free).
It’s also true for things that aren’t physical. We have pictures of what certain characteristics such as: strength, womanliness, playfulness, etc. look like, which really holds us from feeling these when they’re all within us.
Having pictures of how you want others to be is a relationship killer. It places burdens and expectation on another that feels heavy and unclear. When the person doesn’t match what, we want, we go into blame mode and dump on each other. Truly, I wish this has been part of my awareness growing up…thank heaven for the teachings of Serge Benhayon so that at least it is part of my awareness now and I can observe my own pictures, expectations and demands I put on others.
Pictures can potentially destroy any true connection we are wanting to have with another. When we can just bring ourselves to them with no need or picture in the way, there is an awesome opportunity for real magic to take place.
I find myself pondering on how my body feels in those moments where I know there is a space where no pictures exist and I choose to be with that space. My body feels very still, open and full of love. My ponder is how would I live my life if I allowed this space to lead the way?
I once took my daughter, who was maybe four at the time, out for the day in London and had all these things planned that I thought she would think amazing including going on the London Eye. I had a total image or picture of how the day was going to be and it turned out a complete disaster. The Eye even was boring for her so I learned from that day to feel into more of what would work instead of looking to the pictures in my head.
I work near the London Eye, and a few weeks ago it was really foggy, to the point where you could not see the top half of the Eye from the ground. There was still a queue of people waiting to go on the ride! The power of the images of what you were expecting can have an overpowering pull that it may not be that bad and still worth the effort… is this just trying to justify a bad choice?
“Learning to be in Relationship without Pictures” – when you stop and think about this, it’s so deeply healing because there’s nothing in life that we don’t already have a ‘picture’ of, or how ‘things should be’. Thus your title Adele reveals the basis of true relationship, and hence how deeply all of us have to heal to rid the allure of the image(s).
Are we all not in a relationship with life? As you have said Zofia, who doesn’t have photo albums of what that should be! Aren’t photos just frozen past moment’s.
It is very true that without a picture of how we would like life to be we are free to accept it as it is. Expectations in fact or pictures limit us to a very narrow window of how full life can be, all because we are attached to it delivering something to us.
We think the pictures we have are real…! That is the problem. We don’t realise they are our own interpretation of the world.
Having no images that impose a certain picture on the way we and other should be, actually opens us up to a truer configuration that naturally constellates… and magic happens!
A very inspiring and thought provoking article, thank you Adele, I am beginning to realise how when I have a picture of a past event that was unpleasant I often project it onto a future event and before the event happens I then come in and try to control the outcome, leaving me and others with a degree of anxiety. As Rebecca writes above “we simply have to let it unfold and we will find out in due course.”
All so true. I have just read this to my son and he is sharing many instances when he has had a picture of how something will be that has only led to frustration and disappointment. Amazing to have this insight and understanding that pictures, particularly those involving others are controlling and do not build and nurture our relationships.
I agree Matilda, how normal is it for us to imagine how something will turn out, what our future careers and relationships and homes will look like, how a conversation will play out, what youll say and what they will say, how youll meet ‘the one’. It might seem like a harmless past time to invisiage all these aspects of life, but in doing so we are setting ourselves up to meet these moments with a preconcived perfect idea of how it should go, leaving no room to allow it to be what it is and appreicate it for that.
Our relationship with images is one of unbreakable loyalty. Our relations with other human beings it is not always the case. Images give something to us and we have to acknowledge this. Equally we have to be aware what that giving does to us and the extent to which ruins our lives and hinders the possibility of deepening and expanding.
Adele what came to me as I sat reflecting on your blog is that we are all Sons of God, that we are from a universal quality and in our essence we are the same. Yet even with the same quality at our heart we all uniquely express that quality, therefore even in our divine expression a picture would get in the way of the truth. Therefore if in divinity having a picture stops the fullness of life on earth then in all other forms and exceptions a picture will certainly get in the way, retard if not completely take us off track and cuts out the magic of God that is alive 24/7. .
I am realizing I have so many pictures of what a relationship should look like. It has been quite exposing and liberating at the same time as I let them go and let go of the expectations I have had of others. I may have certain ways of being I value in a relationship, I can continue to be these ways but I cannot expect the other to reciprocate , this is my learning presently.
There are Apps for pre-school children, who did not grow up watching TV, it has not been that long that there has been a watershed ban on TV for advertising sweets during peak view times for children. And we question as adults why we have pictures of how things should be?
This morning I needed to have a conversation with someone who had broken my trust and acted in a very unloving way on so many levels. I remained very calm and allowed the space for the other person to share how they felt, they were very honest and admitted that they had made a very bad decision. They didn’t need me to ‘judge’ what they had done as they felt it all, already. Rather than following a picture of how I felt I
‘should’ handle the situation, I stayed very present with my body and allowed the conversation to unfold, with no expectation or judgment. I felt how this allowed the space for the other person to choose to take responsibility for their actions, rather than being made to feel less by what they had done. There was an opportunity for them to truly evolve.
Everything in life is constantly shifting and changing all the time, including us! Pictures are static and come from the past, sometimes a long time ago, they do not relate in anyway to us and the moment we are now in. When we let go of the pictures we can be fully present with ourselves in the here and now and allow ourselves to share what is there to be shared in the moment – this is true living, being present and moving forward, evolving, rather than staying in the past, held by pictures that are not actually a part of who we are.
Removing the images and pictures of how a relationship ‘should’ look like is so very refreshing. I am in a relationship at the moment that doesn’t have a name. It has no label, and we don’t know where it is going to go. We cannot get attached to pictures of how we want it to be – we simply have to let it unfold and we will find out in due course. It is liberating to not be attached to an outcome, and be free to enjoy and explore in each moment.
The pictures we create are within every aspect of our lives, and stood out very clearly recently when I applied for a job at a different company, and after looking up this companies website there were all kinds of pictures forming in my head about the company, what the staff were like, how the interview would go…….we can drive ourselves mad with these pictures. When I let that go and stopped looking or wanting a certain salary, the job came to me via someone I have known for two and a half years, and everything has been at my own pace, with no stress.
Amazing, just another confirmation on how damaging these pictures are.
I keep being drawn back to this blog Adele. Not because I need to read the story of your trip with your son; it feels more like an opportunity to appreciate and connect with the power of the truth that pictures simply block the power and possibility – the evolution of relationship! I am sure I will return…
I am astounded at how many images I have about pretty much every thing! I expect that there will be no que at the bank, I expect that the car will let me in etc etc it’s been fun to start paying more attention to how I am in the world.
How cool to have fun with this, Vanessa. I find what you have shared very inspiring because it keeps me willing and curious rather than ashamed and cross with myself.
When there are no pictures, there is clarity beyond doubt.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was.”
Adele, I love the understanding & space you offer to both yourself and your son, its very inspiring, i can see how this kind of situation could result in reaction and hurts, yet you have read the situation and responded in a way that offers everyone an opportunity to take responsibility for their part.
Pictures create a constant tension in the body as trying to fit ourselves into anything does not allow us to surrender to what is already there.
This is a really inspiring article that invites me to explore my patterns as a mother and to surrender the pictures I have about how so many things might/should be when I am with my children. It is uncomfortable to consider the imposition of my expectations over the years, but I also get a strong sense that it is never too late to make changes and deepen the respect and understanding in my relationships.
When we create pictures, we are actually creating our lives, rather than letting them unfold in the harmonious way that they would naturally and divinely do if we didn’t let our pictures get in the way.
Pictures set us up for disappointment and frustration.
‘So we enjoyed the rest of our trip and continued to enjoy a deeper relationship with each other, even though our daily choices are completely opposite in life.’ – How simple it really is, when we allow each other the space to just be who we are.
Thanks, Adele. I was exposed in a relationship recently for having done a ‘box ticking’ exercise with them, and it was a great learning to be able to talk about how empty and disconnecting it felt for both of us.
I come back to to read your blog Adele, because pictures can return about how something is and I am understanding it can be about other people’s pictures too. This is not to blame anyone at all but simply exposes how we can all have our set ways of things we have fitted into but can allow the future to simply be what it will be without our the expectations of the pictures of the past.
Pictures of life can be very debilitating and controlling…we can be almost prisoner to them…because we think it is our reality. Feeling the quality of a situation or thought rather than falling into habits is the only way I have found to come out of the pictures in life. I have built a relationship with my body that is a connection, that has a depth and honesty to it that enables me to challenge what is a picture and so instead feel what is more true for me.
There are pictures every where, in our relationship to everything. Breaking down the pictures we hang on to frees us up for constellating life in the truest sense of the word.
This is a great example how when we have pictures we react to others who do not live up to the picture we have created in our mind. It is impossible for another to live up to our pictures. When we have no pictures or expectations we can accept whatever comes our way.
It is interesting to ponder the impact when we compromise ourselves in a relationship rather than holding another in understanding for the choices and honouring ourselves.
A wonderful insight into how we can, if we choose, set ourselves up for a fall. I was constantly expecting others to meet my expectations – even though at times I did not even communicate what I expected but expected the other person to read my mind. As I learn to live my life in an adult and communicative way I am finding that the relationships around me are more able to flow as I let go of any preconceived ideas and allow the space and freedom from so many attachments of living the perfect life.
Expectations come with images of how does it has to be. It is a complete package what we buy into. Since we can clearly visualise where we would like to go, we coordinate to get there and do whatever is in our hands to bring another one along. The problem is that we are not the only one doing this and the clash is unavoidable. It is a clash between images that drive movements that are of a similar quality but heading in different direction. If there is a clash an escalation is precisely because of that. It is movement feeding movement.
It is easy to see that when our pictures kick in and they do not get met or play out as we have imagined, we then get all upset and hold the other person in resentment.
Many years ago I was having a session with a well known Esoteric Practitioner in London and I was disgruntled about work, and she asked me ‘when was work ever set up to be fair’ (or words to that effect), which was interesting at that time because it dawned on me that I had this picture that work was supposed to be supportive, and that people would all get along. With all of my experience of work that has never happened or very rarely, but I still held onto this belief, which continually got smashed. This highlights how we hold onto these pictures without having a full understanding to what the energy is at play, and until we look a little deeper we will always be manipulated by our pictures.
Letting go of pictures we hold is such a huge one. I find that I have pictures about things that I don’t know they are pictures until there has been reaction and conflict, that alone says volumes, because the conflict presents usually as a result of the pictures. People not living up to what we envisage they should, would or could be doing. Learning to be settled within oneself, bringing awareness to expectations we have of others and letting them go, are ways I help myself where pictures are concerned.
Pictures are a relationship killer. Can any one really live up to the pictures we have anyway?
You said it Nikki – ‘pictures are a relationship killer’. Not even we can live up to our own pictures.
Bringing and being true Love in situations that challenge us is a beautiful learning, and involves letting go of any images of how thing should be.
Thank you Adele this article is exposing how any pictures we hold onto taint the times we do spend together as emotions then come into play meaning we we are then likely to experience frustration, resentment, sadness etc because there was an expectation and it is not being met. I am learning more and more that this is often at the base of relationship and or communication issues. However it is unnecessary if we let ourselves see when we are being driven by a picture and this can be in any part of our lives.
Pictures are the killer of joy.
Indeed Vanessa, I have found it extraordinary how deeply i have clung to many of mine, perhaps because i don’t want things to change……
Yup. Because they take us out of everything that is actually happening in each moment… we are absent to the present.
Pictures, we use to think they were harmless or even more they were things to hold onto but the more I see is that they actually can hold the true you back. When you hold how something should be then you try and push everything to that point and when it misses the mark you are left disappointed or feeling like you have failed. You may still not see how this works but more and more I am seeing that pictures I have are actually hurting me. Not the pictures themselves but more how I am needing to live to keep them in my view. These pictures aren’t true and no matter what they offer and seem to promise they need to be let go of.
It’s interesting to see how this very understanding applies just as much to our relationship with our body as it does with our relationships with others. Our body may be feeling one way and yet we have a picture that does not match how our body feels for instance, going into town to shop when at that moment we feel super tired and exhausted. In these moments it is a lesson of great surrender and deep honesty with what is going on for you.
These picutres can be so very subtle that we may not even realise we have them, or that they are the underlying tension we are feeling in a relationship
I find it tricky dropping the pictures because as soon as I think of something, a picture seems to immediately come into my mind about it. I fully understand how it can trap us expecting something to be a certain way, or have expectations of certain things happening. But I do know that as our awareness deepens and develops, we can be open and let circumstances unfold to be as they will be, and allow relationships to develop.
A picture of how something should be is limiting and doesn’t allow us to see what is actually there in front of us.
Yes, the pictures we hold before us actually blind us to the opportunities right in front of us. This is madness, no?
Very true. Having a picture is like only being able to see a few items that are in a box but not everything around that box. Perhaps there are many boxes sitting around but one box with they’re own gems inside.
This can be applied on a bigger scale about pictures of how we have seen the world and expect it to be. How we thought politicians and other people in leading positions would behave. This morning I can see how having a picture and then the reaction to that picture being crushed is so hard to be OK with and how easy it would be to go into distraction and make another picture – one we have more control over! yet if we step back and observe, we don’t run away, we speak up, we be the change we want to see. We choose to live without the pictures and see our part as to how the picture got to be as it is in the first place. Jenny Ellis said it perfectly in a comment here – smash the pictures and the development of love can occur.
How perfect Adele that it is you exposing the illusion behind pictures and images… you are spot on, they are the greatest hindrance to truly loving relationships in every arena of life, including the one with ourselves. Smash the pictures we hold ourselves and others up to, and the development of love can occur.
Having read your blog a few days ago Adele it has opened the flood gates to seeing the many pictures that are there in my day and just how they can take me away from what is true.
I have noticed I have so many pictures simple ones like I shouldn’t have to que for anything! How arrogant : but I really do have a picture that runs a movie of how things should be. Exhausting and resentment making the killer of joy.
Pictures frame is and when we are framed it is a setup!
Pictures take us away from the moment actually being lived and experienced.
The pictures that we hold about how a relationship ‘should’ be is enough to make us run away! Trying to live up to how we think we should be and dealing with how others are and how this is nowhere near our picture of how it ‘should’ be is a feat that we give ourselves that ultimately is not necessary. If we simply focus on being ourselves and letting others be themselves without all the expectations it lifts a huge load off our shoulders, and there is nothing to ‘run away’ from.
I am learning to not have expectations or live from images with everything. From how many pillows I use going to bed, to how my day, class, and relationships with people will pan out. It’s about working on being much more connected to my body, and letting people in. The later needs work as I get anxious around many people.
The truth of any situation is always unifying. Pictures always separate and divide us.
Family is an ingrained picture that life is teaching me every day to let go and to re-define by living.
While reading this I felt a reaction rise up in my body Adele – as if to day “how inconsiderate of your son”. But as I kept reading what you understood and shared made total sense. We can’t expect others to all of a sudden jump out of their patterns or momentums in their lives and ‘fit’ into our behaviours to suit our way of seeing how things should be. This is a great example and so well explained.
Having pictures can bring the downfall of a potentially amazing relationship. Pictures are sold to us everywhere, we need to be really aware and astute to see these pictures for the illusion they are.
Love never imposes or expects, when we are being love, there is understanding that forever deepens and there is always more opening to let the world in.
Thanks Adele, a vey inspiring blog bringing a great deal to ponder on.
How wonderful that an “image consultant” by trade can recognise that expectations and pictures of how things “should be” are folly.
I also feel the same Mary the bigger the picture or image I build up the greater the let down when it came to what was actually there. This is also the same for movies that I thought were amazing and then on the second visit just did not live up to the same potential that I had as an image.
The more I feel into life and the role that is there for me to be in the greater my awareness is to bring a more loving way of treating myself and then that follows onto others. As I deepen my relationship within then I can feel how important it is to be aligned in all I do to God to the best of my ability. Aligned in such a way that brings obedience to my living way that supports me as a Son of God. God being my true family along with the rest of humanity, and it is up to me to be in a relationship that works with God so that I do not get caught up in a picture or relationship that will make me anything less.
Tattoos, one of the worst pictures we literally carry around and like to forget about! We all have our own private photo albums, but the ones ingrained in our flesh and carry around for the world to see, is a whole different level.
Letting go of pictures in our relationships and instead focus on the quality of our movements around others offers them a true reflection which can bring them back into their bodies so without any impositions of how we like them to be they have a choice and can be inspired to make more supportive choices for themselves in connection to the love that they are.
Having pictures or images of how we think things should be or expect, makes us live life within firmly set goal posts or boundaries, a bit like living life with blinkers on perhaps… When we start to live being more in connection with our body and responding to how it feels, gradually these goal posts get lifted up out of the ground and we can see just how much we have been living between the goal posts when in fact we live on a vast field…
Words of wisdom from the Ageless Wisdom – if we try to fulfill any one of our roles with pre-conceived pictures of how it should look, then we are limited by how we should be – rather than “feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment”. Love that phrase Adele.
Thank you, Adele. I have held onto many pictures about what a mother should be, and as I relinquish them I get to feel the pure joy of observing my beautiful daughters just as they are.
To hold a picture does always provoke a comparing – and with comparing we always have a ‘looser’ so to speak. But we are designed to be all ‘winners’. We make it together or not at all.
It’s amazing the extent to which we allow the pictures we create to get in the way of providing “..space for understanding anothers picture…” and thus conflict results.
I love the way you and your son were open to giving one another the opportunity to express their feelings thereby leading to a deeper connection between you both for the rest of your trip.
I observed the other day just how much I live with investment, expectation, pictures and need for recognition…when none of this exists we are simply left in the ‘art of being’ and this leaves the body open, spacious, surrendered with the ability to truly observe and not absorb life.
I love coming back to this blog as it sets me up for the day, there are so many types of relationships, meeting and interactions that I have with people and slowly as i let go of pictures of how they should be I am less anxious and enjoy whatever comes up (well in most cases!).
‘If we had not built up this foundation together in Hong Kong, how would this be possible all of a sudden just because we were in a different time zone…?’ This is such a pertinent question Adele. Quite often when we go away we want that trip to ‘fix’ our relationships and have expectations about how we want things to be. As you have expressed so clearly, this is completely false as the momentum we have been living comes with us and then we feel let down or start to blame the other person without understanding that we have been imposing on them by wanting them to behave differently! Letting go of all of that allows for the space to connect more deeply, and with no investment in outcomes we can let go of the tension around needing things to be other than they are.
The realisation that almost every time that I experience a feeling other than love, acceptance and understanding in my relationships it is because of expectation; a picture.
What a set up it is, to hang our expectations on other people to conform to our desires of how life should be. It can only really end in disaster. How freeing it is to choose instead to communicate, to remain open and flexible to other people’s choices as well as holding our own as equally valid, really allowing both our selves and others to discover what feels correct for us. What I find these days is that the more I hold these two perspectives as equally valid without forcing anything, it allows for something else more lovely and special to materialise as a consequence. Co-creation as its best.
Being honest about differences offers a moment to go deeper and heal something within.
Coming back to your blog Adele is such a beautiful reminder to avoid ideals, beliefs, perfectionism and pictures in all relationships, thus freeing us to the “unlimitedness of the moment” and the learning that follows.
A change in scenery doesn’t change anything and therefore it is not realistic for any of us to think or expect that it will. If there are issues with someone at home, then the same issue will be there in another environment but perhaps less obvious when we are away from our usual surrounds. So holidays may look like an answer but they are just a temporary distraction from what is going on every day.
The way you have written about pictures here Adele, makes me stop and see life as if I am watching TV. Do I get ‘sucked in’ to the plot line and characters? Or do I see it knowing it is just a created show which in a minute will move on and go. It seems to me the decision to get swept away by anything in our day is just like deciding to buy into a dramatic plot twist in a soap opera. The truth underneath it all is we a Sons of God, beautiful, loving and tender at heart separate to these pictures – we are the art.
Pictures can be broken down through communication. It’s amazing how many times I will envision something, not express what it is I’m seeing or feeling and thus become frustrated with another for not ‘getting it’. Open communication can dissipate pictures and expectation.
When there’s a picture, there’s an expectation.. and when there’s expectation there’s also disappointment that can lead to resentment. This is not the way for true relationship, and the fact that we have so much tension and conflict in our homes, offices, businesses, economies.. highlights just how much the vast majority of us personally and collectively as a race are not living truly, or, who we truly are.
My experience of pictures is that they create anxiety as we try to make our lives or other people match the pictures that we have. It feels completely different when we surrender to the ‘What Is’.
Making choices from a knowing of who I am is allowing me to slowly redevelop my relationship with myself, just as I have had pictures of relationships with us so have I with the expectations I have placed on myself.
Investing in the outcome of how an event, relationship, or anything should look like and be, is looking forward with an unreal expectation, and takes us right away from how and where we are, and gives no space or respect to others, and no chance of a deepening relationship. It is total control and protection, and as such as far away from living from the inner heart in the present as we could be. Yet most of our world operates in this way, and as Adele says, it causes conflict.
Wow! Love what you have shared Adele, it brings up so much around family, true family and my relationship with God, which at the end of the day is my only true consideration of what family and brotherhood with every aspect of humanity is all about. So in other words I am learning to take away my ‘own picture’, so to ‘provide space for understanding another’s picture’, and therefore not bringing in any area where any ‘conflict arises’ or reaction.
I have been clocking lately how all I need to do is be obedient to God and not react to others so in the most loving ways I am working on myself and then all else will look after its self.
If I have a picture, I’ve got an investment. In intimate relationships I’ve always been afraid for the other leaving, but in this I’m actually constantly being busy with a picture. A picture that I can’t control as I don’t have a say in how to live somebody else’s life. So in fact this is a constant drain. How different would life be if we would approach each moment as brand new. That would be amazingly refreshing, but something that needs a lot of time and honesty to develop. But nevertheless worth exploring as this way of living is very freeing.
The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment. This is so true, and there are so many pictures that we hold in so many different areas of our lives that need letting go of because they literally keep us stuck and not in the flow because our picture does not align with what already is.
Boy can pictures disrupt life and relationships. Reading your blog I can see the many pictures I still have of how family life should be and how they feed my self doubt when things don’t go according to those pictures. So great to call out these pictures for what they are – a hindrance to family harmony and connection.
This is so true Jane, it is staggering the amount of pictures we have with regards to how others should or should not act and then get bent out of shape if our expectations aren’t met, and it seems the more we are open to acknowledging these pictures the more they show themselves.
‘Bent out of shape’ is a great analogy for it Julie. I used feel I was an amoeba, constantly shape shifting to fit into all the pictures I had created. It was exhausting and no fun at all. As the illusion of these pictures come up to be seen for what they are they crumble away leaving us with more space to see what is true.
I love how you share that your son wants to excercise his ability to choose for himself – how amazing for him that he has a Mum who honors him and respects his choices, no matter what these choices might look like.
Holidays are where everything is meant to be perfect and fun but more often than not they are challenging. If we accept that who ever we are on a trip with may have a very different idea of the type of trip its going to be, than we might be able to actually enjoy being away without breaking the bank.
When we confine our relationships to the pictures we hold, we miss the God-given opportunities in every moment.
Pictures are indeed what keep us trapped in the cycle of creation, of the dramas and conflicts which we are party to, and the attachments and investments that we hold on to. So mastering the art of letting go of pictures and we are no longer owned by the game – and thus we become free to live true.
How often do we dream of making things better on holidays. You capture the reality of holidays here really well when you share that it makes no sense to expect your and your sons rhythms to flow when they have not been flowing in the lead up to the holiday.
Thanks, Adele, the “unlimitedness of the moment” is definitely something to choose over an imprisoning set of ideals about how life and relationships should be.
It can be amazing to feel even for a short moment that having no need, judgement, attachment, or picture can allow space for us to hold ourselves and others in grace…allowing what is there to be in the moment. Imagine if we lived this all the time?
When we really stop to consider this, its amazing how quickly, in any given situation, that we can go into our heads and create a picture of something. But when we simple allow something to unfold by just staying in the moment, there is so much more available to us on so many different levels.
‘Even though we are mother and son and we do live in the same house, we have very different lifestyles and we are both stubborn in our choices’ – This raises a great point, that perhaps we should look at the choices WE’RE making and how we’re being in our relationships before pointing any fingers at others and blaming any issues/tension that arise on them.
What an honest insight into our pictures and how we want everything to be ok when under all this coming form a true understanding of others can change everything and allows a flow and harmony for whatever is needed. Our natural innate quality expressed by our movements simply allows space for us all and is the only true way to live from.
Letting go of the pictures allows us to be in true relationship, and to be impulsed by a knowing that is innately natural.
I am living away from home for a long period at the moment because of work and am having to completely change my image of what phone conversations should be. It’s very amazing to allow. A simple “hi and bye” can have way more connection than hours of chat.
I have found living with pictures to be so debilitating. However when I have allowed things to unfold without expectation, although things may not turn out in the way that one could have expected they turn out just fine, and I also find that I have space in my body and have not gone into any tension.
What an incredible shift this is “to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” How immersed we can become in our roles to such an extent that we loose sight of our real expression. You provide us with an important example Adele, of what it means to be woman first, parent, wife, and career woman and so on, second. It feels like putting the horse back in front of the cart, to re-connect to one’s real expression, a delicate, precious, deeply nurturing woman and from here infusing everything we do with these qualities. A choice that everyone, self included benefits from.
“I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices.” This line alone can completely change a relationship if it is lived. Letting go of pictures doesn’t mean we need to bottle up our feelings. This is huge for me as most of my life I have lived believing that I had to keep things to myself if someone else didn’t want to come to the table. Now I can see that it is healthy and loving to express as long as I am not attached to achieving a certain outcome.
I’m noticing within me how soon I go into pictures when something occurs. I might not have a picture of where a situation goes, but I have to be very careful to not go into a picture when I finish the conversation. Not having a picture is a very freeing way of being with people.
It’s interesting to observe that trying to people please doesn’t really work because when we negate what feels true for us, we can hold resentment towards the other and no one benefits.
It appears to me that developing true relationships involves exposing the pictures we hold, learn to let go of it and thereby more and more get to see, cherish and share who we really are; it is an unfoldment or process of discarding of what keeps us separate.
Just re-reading your blog reminds me of how much we allow ourselves to be governed by ideals and images rather than simply allowing things to unfold. I know for me if things have not looked a certain way I have seen myself as a failure rather than embracing what is on offer in full. So by doing so I have turned down literally everything I could have ever wanted because I felt I could not live up to it – atleast the picture I had of it.
I am currently working on looking with fresh eyes and a much more open heart an at the pictures I hold about how relationships should look like – starting with my relationship with myself.
Having an understanding in a relationship that each person will express what they feel keeps the communication clear, there is an openness, and a sense of trust, feeling safe, with no expectations, no disappointment, just a celebration of each other.
Thinking about being in a relationship without pictures gives me a ball in the stomach. There’s this unease about not being able to control things and knowing exactly how things “should be”. However, it is so crucial to recognise the pictures as they develop because otherwise they can become our truth.
There is a lot of mistrust in relationship from past hurts built up and not expressed and pictures therefore get constructed and are hard to let go. We can dissolve these unsupportive pictures by re-visiting what hurts us and choose to live these situations in another way, one that is governed by love. What we have freed then is the loveless pictures that have bound us in the past.
Our mental pictures keep us separated from our Soul, from truth and from each other. Letting go of our pictures frees us to know who we truly are and to observe life without being so reactive and to connect more deeply and honestly with others.
Coming to a place of acceptance, understanding and holding of another in their choices and also equally that of ourselves in our own choices is one of the cornerstones of expressing true love to another. We cannot after all offer a loving opportunity for another to learn if we are imposing on them how we need them to be.
I can honestly say that I don’t think I know life without pictures unless I am in a hands on healing session and are so connected to my body that I feel every cell of my being in harmony to the universe, that is the only time I live without pictures. What is crazy is that Is known to me and yet I rather live in my head, shut down and off from people and the universe.
‘The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world.’ – I agree – it is rather common to not share with others the pictures and expectations that we carry, we tend to keep them to ourselves, hidden. That fact alone should already tell us that something is not right. How different would our relations be if we exposed the pictures for what they are, pure illusion, and allowed ourselves to be transparent and fully seen?
This is always a picture or expectation under every reaction.
That picture is we are less than what is love, a picture that is not of truth.
When we hold onto pictures we are being ‘governed’ by someone else’s thoughts, their perception on how we should be. We know exactly how we ‘should be’, we just have to choose to connect with and listen to our bodies and let the rest unfold.
When we hold onto our pictures, we can become so blinkered that we are literally unable to ‘receive’ unless what we are being offered is being presented in a format that we recognise and consider ‘ok’ …. that’s pretty scary as we are by default missing, or dis-missing, most of what is being presented to us all of the time!
“He is twelve and at the age that he feels compelled to make his own choices.” I remember those days and what a struggle they were, attempting to discover who I was in the midst of a world of other people’s decisions. What a gift you give your son Adele, simply in recognising his evolution here from a dependent child into an independent being. Even when his choices are completely different, honouring the fact that he is finding his way is immense, a living example of how to respect another person’s viewpoint and therein deliver a deeply valuable living lesson.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was.”
Serge Benhayon has bestowed us with some invaluable realtionship skills, as a parent i am discovering that observing brings space, space for understanding.I can be quick to react in the moment yet when i feel steady within myself and don’t get spun into an argument and this space allows the truth of the situation to be felt.
I love the wisdom here, Adele, that a relationship can only be what it has been developed to be, with commitment, consistency and a true foundation of love.
In my relationship there is much between my wife and I and so many ways in which we are very different that we could, if we stuck with pictures, consider us as incompatible, however the truth behind this is we could not be more suited for letting go of these pictures and understanding true relationship.
As you say Adele, it is a learning, to be without pictures. It’s a revealing process to start spotting and addressing the pictures we hold – about every aspect of life! We grow up riddled with them, and the more we begin to find and renounce, the more subtle they come…
We do have a responsibility to express how we feel otherwise things get left and there is an underlying tension in my body. If I do not address this tension it can build in my body and things are said in a way that was not intended. I didn’t realise the tiredness I had been feeling up until this weekend was down to me not expressing. I expressed everything there was to say and I felt a different person the following morning, ready to get up and feeling energised in my body.
Beautiful sharing Caroline, there is definitely a build up in the body when we leave things unexpressed and giving ourselves permission to share whatever it is allows more openness and honesty in our relationships and in our bodies more space to feel whatever else there is to feel and enjoy ourselves in the process.
In having pictures of life and relationships, are we not treating it like the maze that rat runs repeatedly? Nothing changes or evolves!
It is very difficult to be in true relationship without having a picture, if at first you entered the relationship with a picture of how it should be to begin with. For then you must embark on the difficult process of undoing the picture you had of how it should be. It is much easier to ditch the relationship and then seek another that fits your picture, and thus why in truth humanity for the most part has so much difficulty with the subject of relationship. We simply don’t take the time to unravel our investment in how we want things to be, and so we want the quick fix so we can have our cake and eat it to.
Very well said Adam – the picture will indeed follow us around until we are open to look with honesty at the root of the issue and why we are carrying a picture in the first place.
The unraveling of what is not true is the deepening of love. Carrying the perfection of a picture in relationship has already killed what is true and what is love.
I was in a fashion shoot yesterday and the photographic team I was working with paid utmost detail to the pictures they were creating. Everything has to be exactly how it was envisioned and nothing could get in the way of this creation. During the time of work, nothing was more important than creating these images, people were placed secondary as the focus was one-pointed. It was a shocking and exhausting way to work, but this is the accepted reality of the fashion/creative/image industry. Being able to understand why we choose to work and go through life in this way brings light of where we are at, and being able to see the commitment we bring to our work and the attention to details also opens up for me a deeper appreciation to everyone.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was. Even though we are mother and son and we do live in the same house, we have very different lifestyles and we are both stubborn in our choices” – how true Adele, and what are relationships without understanding, the absence of which leaves the door wide open to the very thing that spoils them: expectation.
Having pictures of how we want something to be really changes how we are in relationships with others, Neither can be themselves and that’s when needs can creep in.
One of the pictures I’ve tried for a long time to be honest about is my need for harmony. I do A LOT to keep the world in a state of harmony that is okay, acceptable for me. Yet, it isn’t true harmony and within me there’s a lot of control to keep this false picture / ideal of harmony running my life. I’m starting to be aware that I’ve got a choice to let this go and start being just simply me, all of the time. What if I would just simply express what I feel, all of the time. Than I would find the harmony that I’m actually looking for, inside of me. I’m on my way!
Thank you Adele, this is a great sharing of how having pictures in relationships can limit the depth of true intimacy we can enjoy with another by imposing our needs and not allowing space for them to evolve at their own pace. Thank you
Once I started exploring all the pictures I live my life under it was like opening up Pandora’s box. It is at once confronting, fascinating, totally liberating and empowering to free ourselves from the constraints of our picture perfect expectations. It is like seeing the world anew or meeting our loved ones for the first time. The picture free life offers such richness, wisdom and grace to us and it is well worth going through the often confronting ‘picture smashing’ process and discovering the wonderful new, unthought of possible ways of being, acting and relating.
Jeannette, I have also experienced seeing the world anew when I discard the photos I have held.
It has been the most loving, supportive and empowering reflection offered to me by Universal Medicine practitioners, that it has taken me years to build the patterns and habits I find myself with today, and instead of getting impatient and frustrated with myself it would by much more self-loving to allow myself the grace and time to turn it round. This is an area in which we could be more generous with each other and I love reading about you applying that to your relationship with your son.
I keep discovering ‘pictures’ I am still carrying (needing things to go a certain way) and this always causes a limitation and often creates unhappiness “…rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.” I prefer to be open and flexible and feel the unlimitedness of the moment!
If we begin to deepen the relationship and understanding we have with ourselves, then it will naturally follow that all our interactions with others change and become more aligned with harmony and truth. Great that you allowed your son (and he allowed you!) to honour your own rhythm during your trip, as isn’t that what life is all about – learning? Learning to live with each other without pictures, ideals or beliefs or expectations.
Our images sure do play havoc with the natural harmony of relationships! Just need to get out of the way of all the noise of the pictures and actually turn up open and willing.
Wow Vanessa, that sentence ‘natural harmony of relationships’ is incredible because what it says is that relationships are harmonious by nature and yet when we look around us, all we see are relationships that are, at best smooth arrangements and at worst battlegrounds. Could it be possible that it is a potent mix of our pictures of what relationships should be, mixed with our deep hurts in life, that are playing havoc with our relationships, which when not tampered with would actually be naturally harmonious?
What is in our hearts, is no pictures but simply love, it is through working life through our minds we get caught in the not so loving patterns.
So true Harry. There are no pictures in the heart.
We have pictures of how things should be in every area of our lives, but the holiday picture is one that seems to be set in stone. We long for it to happen, to have ‘off time’, and we often set ourselves up for enormous disappointment, because the real thing was no where near what we had pictured it to be.
Allowing someone the space to be with their choices is truly supportive.
True abby, it allows them the grace to arrive at the truth of a situation, whilst being held and supported.
When I read the title of this article I feel the liberation from all the control I have exercised in my relationships. There is respect here too, of myself and others – this is inspiring.
These mental pictures carrying ideals and beliefs run so deep we don’t even know they are there, or so we say. It only takes a loving commitment to oneself to begin to see how these influence our actions and can set in motion whole scenarios that are far from the truth of who we are.
Holidays with family can be a confirmation of relationships built or they can be an exposure if what and where we need to pay some attention to when we return home. It is far truer to honour what we are all feeling, accept the reality of it and be living with each other rather than live in a tension pretending it is all something else. At least when we are honest we can all choose how we would prefer it to be from our heart and work on it together.
The interesting thing is that many of us do hold pictures about being ‘on holiday’ and also being ‘on holiday’ with family. And these pictures are always going to be exposed or smashed in one way or another as you have pointed out Adele – it is impossible for something to be there in the holiday place when it was not there in our rhythm at our home place.
I suppose we always have a picture in our heads of how we want someone else to be. It’s an investment in things being a certain way. It’s exhausting to live with this amount of control. Much simpler to let it go and accept others for who they are and how they want to live.
Adele I keep coming back to your blog as it is so relevant to every aspect of life, anything where an image comes into mind about how something could be instead of a whole body feeling about what is unfolding next, sets me up in either anxiousness of failure/disappointment. Approaching life being open to whatever comes up next is a virtue that I am certainly working on. I am filled with pictures even how people in a meeting may sit etc. and what I am feeling is if I stop at that I miss out reading the energy of what is at play.
Due to our accumulated hurts there are such strong ideals and beliefs around relationships that pictures can be deeply ingrained but it only takes one instances of being offered a relationship without them for them to be shattered.
How often do we try to enforce a picture that maybe ‘good’ but not true. ‘Good’ ticks all the boxes and makes us look good on the outside, but we can feel the tension in our bodies of living this way. It was great that you recognised this Adele and how you and your son were living was not going to change just because you were on holiday and any picture you had was causing a tension.
Adele, this is really supportive to read, I can feel that with my family we often have different rhythms and things we would like to do and that if I hold a picture of how our time together should be then this can be smashed and I can get disappointed and this causes tension, and if we all hold these pictures and they are different then it makes sense there will be tension. I love how you truthfully expressed what you were feeling and had understanding around your sons choices and that your relationship deepened as a result of the lack of judgment and the understanding.
Having an idea or image of how people should be ensures that we completely miss what is right in front of us which is a divine being just like us. How they express will be different from us but that does not make them wrong. It is a matter of seeking understanding and not reacting to what is before us. Responding to another might require us to call out / address another’s behaviour but a person’s behaviour and who they are in essence is not one and the same thing.
I have pictures of almost everything without realising it at times. This is a very debilitating way to live as you constantly strive and put pressure on yourself to be a certain way you think you should be, from a picture in your head that is not real, instead of living and being yourself. I would say I’m all honesty I don’t really truly know who I am yet.
“Sometimes this was at the expense of both of us, because in truth, neither of us really wanted to do them,” How ironic but very true. We can so easily get hooked into thinking that because we are on holiday, we need to do this or that, when actually no-one feels like it! How refreshing to take a step back and let go of the image, to really connect to and honour what is really needed in the moment and relinquish the desire to tick a box.
Having worked a long time in building and dealing with mechanical and electrical aspects there is always drawings, and today you get a CG animated walk through of what it should look like by the architect through his pictures! So why when the job is finished, it is a requirement to provide ‘as fitted’ drawings. Is life not the same.
We carry pictures within pictures, within pictures, within…………..it’s no wonder we’re so utterly lost and confused! Strip back the pictures and the truth stands like a shining chalice.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day.” To understand this is huge, as there is a momentum in patterns that are founded on many aspects in our lives, and therefore need time to undo these, one by one. So being in the understanding is so supportive as it allow ourselves to become humble and to not punish ourselves for not getting it right straight away.
The pictures come in thick and fast if we don’t stop to acknowledge how they can be so hurtful and judgemental of another. There is a commitment that comes with making this part of our foundation that will bring more harmony into our daily interactions.
Honesty is key. Pictures rule a large if not entire scope of our lives. Start from this honesty and the acceptance of it and allow space to show us more.
“The picture I carried was we would enjoy common time together, while the picture that he carried was he would enjoy his time and do whatever he felt like doing” – interesting in how that when we have pictures, communication and expression goes out the window and we end up in disharmony from all the idealistic expectations we have of each other.
When we hold onto a picture we usually have an expectation which then places a demand on ourselves or others for us to comply with the picture. This sets us up for disappointment, for even if the picture looks like it is what we want it to be, it does not feel true because of the imposition we have projected onto a future that we think is out there. We then either shut down so we can’t feel our disappointment or we get emotional and therefore the whole experience is doomed from the start because we had a picture of what we wanted. Without any picture we are open to what might present itself and we can allow people to be themselves and respond appropriately to whatever is needed.
One destructive way we create pictures is when we make assumptions about what other people might think about us and we model our behaviour on avoiding any kind of negative feedback, which can set up a muddied kind of communication that is not based on truth but upon negative expectations, and thereby creating negative reactions anyway. In this way we create our own reality.
Not only do we have pictures but we impose them onto others, and if they don’t meet our expectations we go into reaction and often blame the other. So what is going here, could we say if we’re all living from our pictures that we’re all living in a very unreal world?
Sometimes letting go of our ‘pictures’ of how things have to be can free us to unimagined and often much better opportunities and / or ways of living, being and relating.
Unknowingly we carry around so many pictures or expectations of another or even of ourselves or of a situation or a job etc. When we get an awareness of this (of holding a picture or expectation), as I recently have, then it is amazing how we can choose to let them go and be free to be who we are rather than trying to live boxed and unnatural from the conditions and impositions. The freedom that comes from a simple realisation is incredible to feel in the body – the shoulders loosen up, the head feels lighter, we wonder how things could have felt so difficult one moment ago and now feel so simple and happening with ease….And so it is well worth exploring this things, and giving permission to just let go and be.
I spent a lot of time trying to outsmart my pictures – I had ideas how things should be and saw that those ideas are not very helpful and then tried to come up with better pictures.
What worked much better was to simply recognise a picture as a picture and to nominate it as a picture, i.e. a type of idea and do nothing further with the picture.
How awesome to have a relationship where you can be up front with the other person and clear the air, and not have the lingering effects of resentment for not meeting someone else’s picture.
It makes so much sense that these pictures and images are causing disharmony and separation in relationships. The pictures are offered to us as a cheap substitutes, distractions and as a way to avoid truly connecting and being with another.
Absolutely the pictures are less than a cheap substitute compared to the real deal. Sometimes the tension can also be calling us to go deeper in our relationships with ourselves and those around us too.
“Rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” I have discovered that my son does not really know the woman I am, he only knows the mother as that is what he gets 24/7. In a recent session with an esoteric practitioner it was shared with me that parenting is an expression. It is not my full time expression but one that is to be there when needed. Yes when parenting is called for, as a parent it is my responsibility to parent but in terms of our connection, what can he connected to if I am not being the woman I am but always living from the mother? Our relationship has become very functional as mother and son and there are many parenting pictures I carry. Thanks for sharing your blog Adele as you’ve supported me to see another layer.
I am really beginning to dislike this pictures game I play with myself – it stops me actually appreciating the moment and the connections I have with people – where the most beautiful are off the cuff, unexpected ones where no picture can have formed beforehand to take away from the moment. But in every other part of life where we know what is coming – you’re going to see this person, do this, meet here and depart here and this is how it is going to look, stops us from just enjoying it for what it is. I can be left feeling disappointed or lacking form an encounter, not because the encounter wasn’t amazing but because it wasn’t what I had expected, wanted, imagined.
Pictures are just pictures, it is just the holding onto pictures which then block our deeper awareness and that we have to be aware of. We don’t have to resist pictures, appreciate them and know that they here to remind us precisely to let them go, so we can be more.
Your twelve year old son has made a good choice to have you for his mum Adele, because your understanding of accepting both your choices and reducing the conflicts without the pictures that often influence us is going to be a major development for you both. Teenage years are tricky for lots of people but letting go of the pictures of how things will be will be very supportive.
Learning to be in a relationship without pictures is learning to have a relationship with love and trust.
Reading this a pure healing. So divine Adele. Thank you for sharing this simple and so practical Piece of wisdom/lived experience with us. I just feel love reading this so amazing. Thanks again.
I can feel how much you care for your son in all you have shared here Adele. Your dedication to taking responsibility to bring love into your relationships is exquisite.
These expectations that we hold of how things will be or how people will be is what contributes to conflict in relationships. It stands to reason that if person A is wanting one thing, and person B is wanting something different then it isn’t going to work and more importantly there won’t be any harmony between the two people.
I have just experienced what it means to spend time with a young boy and not have any pictures of how he should behave, well or otherwise and found it very freeing and much more enjoyable. There is no disappointment or resentment then and not a single smashed picture in sight.
I love the words space and understanding. Never have I actually understood how much these words are actually interrelated and interdependent. I suddenly realise that all (ALL!!) our conflicts are actually there, because of the fact that we don’t understand each other and are not able (sometimes willing) to create space in order to allow understanding to come occur. How wise is it to set a step back and observe any kind of situation, rather than start discussing or argueing without true space to truly hear and listen to each other?
Our willingness and ability to surrender to more spaciousness is the foundation for deeper understanding and love.
We still ought to fully understand and embody that love has no pictures as it has no need. Pictures and emotional needs are inseparable companions void of love.
Yes, the ability to express and receive love is much more powerful than any picture.
With the honesty to accept we all have pictures, we are all emotional at times and be absolutely fine with that opens us deeper into what is true, holding onto pictures then feel burdensome.
Placing expectations on others burdens them and by doing this we are not considering the other person at all, only our own needs and what we are wanting from the other person so that we feel ok. When our expectations are not met it can be easy to blame the other rather than feel in greater truth what is really going on. As I mentioned in another comment I am really inspired by this blog to look at how I do this in all my relationships.
“if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment. ” I love this. To feel the unlimitedness of the moment – what a refreshing way to live.
A great example about how holding on to our images and expectations limits our ability to remain open and harmoniously flow with what the moment requires. No wonder most of the time we find ourself going round and round repeating the same scenarios. It shows how important it is to observe any images we are trying to squeeze the world around us into, and let ourselves feel their impact as well as the expansion possible when we drop them.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was.” When we are able to bring this level of understanding to situations such as these, we can really begin to offer another something different, because it allows us to let go of our own expectations. And this is when the magic can, and so often does happen.
Having a picture on how to be puts enormous undue pressure on anyone and any situation.
At times I can feel defeated if an expectation isn’t meant but as soon as I give it a reality check and ask why is the picture there in the first place a new perspective quickly lightens the situation.
What is the picture? What are the thoughts that go with the picture? Oops none of that come from the truth of me, it is then just wise to let them go.
Totally agree Adele
Letting go of living with pictures allows the understanding and magic of life to be seen and lived and feels so beautiful and different to the constraints and frustration of living within our images and falseness of the what we can create otherwise from these.
It feels so important that we as people constantly express how we feel to others. In doing this we can relate to where we are each at and our natural way of being will be to return to harmony if we choose and allow it to come forth.
Susan, you have made me remember travel brochure photos of the beautiful accommodations… taken 20 years ago!
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” Bingo – the source of conflict in a nutshell. So often we try to find a middle ground, attempt to invent a common picture, but all the while still attempting to control the situation to our advantage. But surely the answer lies in not having any pictures in the first place, not having any false images that distract us from the joy of responding to our feelings, living a truly spontaneous life. What a fine line to tread, to be able to absolutely know your way forward in life based on feeling what to do, rather than working towards a series of fixed images. The former feels very flowing and open, the latter feels tight and restrictive and so life will unfold accordingly depending on which way we choose.
The main word that springs to mind is understanding, you had understanding and respect for your sons choices and in that understanding you surrendered your own picture. When we drop our pictures it is time to celebrate as so many of us hold onto ideas of what life should be like rather then surrendering to the magic that is there to unfold.
This blog highlights to me that, as a parent, I have felt a sense of ‘ownership’ over how my children have spent their time with me, even if it’s very subtle! I realise that everyone deserves the same respect in terms of allowing them the space to make their own choices without the imposition of expectations.
What’s been shared here can apply in any relationship. So often we desperately want things to be a certain way, and with that, the people in our lives to be a certain way… Are we not continually tested in such regard?
Our willingness to see and reflect upon that which leaves us disappointed and perhaps pressuring ourselves and others to live up to a pre-conceived notion of how we want situations to be, offers us a vast amount of true self-knowledge, and understanding of others. As we let go of that which we’ve clung to, it can also be immensely freeing, to not be placing such energetic demands upon how the world should be, and let go of our need to control it all…
I love that you have brought this down to being a ‘woman’ first and foremost Adele – and then a woman, who yes, holds responsibilities as a parent of her son. So much of what the world defines a ‘mother’ to be today is completely based upon ‘pictures’, as you say – ideals of how she should behave, what she should do in particular scenarios… It’s undoubtedly an ongoing process, if we are willing, of dismantling the multitudinous beliefs and notions around all of this, but then, in a way it can be simple, if we return to our ability to reflect (as you have shown here so beautifully), and with that, our willingness to let go of that which in truth, serves no-one.
We can focus on the apparent safety and control pictures offer us, the goal, the vision of what we think we want. But the fact is they are boxes which lock us in and shut us down to anything outside the pictures coming around. Contrary to the dream we think we have, we have in reality been framed by our own desire to control the day. Thank you for your personal sharing Adele, I feel there are many of us who will be able to relate, in many situations in our everyday life. Imagine how it would be for us all to live, picture, frame and expectation-free?
What an incredible gift you are giving not only to yourself but also to your son with this – “I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.” This is seriously the gift that keeps on giving.
I love the honesty you share here Adele, and how you recognised that how you both lived at home could not suddenly change due to being in a different place. Many of us fall into this trap of expecting our ‘away’ time to somehow be different in how we are with each other even though our established foundation and day to day rhythm are very different and we can easily put pressure on ourselves to be a certain way and in fact miss the opportunity and space that can offer us. As you say ‘hanging onto any picture does not bring us to full truth.’ and so in your willingness to let go your pictures you found a new space to be with your son, and it’s great to hear and understand this as I spend time with my family just now and I’m seeing how in fact I cannot expect them to be anything other than what they are, and in allowing this space I can just be with me and with them.
“…The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world…” Agree, and also, interpretation of an image can be so varied which can also be a source of contention.
This is so true – that when we have preconceived ideas of how things should be we don’t allow the space for what could be. I can be this way with work or what I have to do in a day- I can get stressed when something not in my preconceived picture of how the day ‘needed’ to unfold for me to remain stress free. What if it was my mental picture and the stress and effort of adhering to that that made the day stressful? What if letting go of the picture and feeling what was next to do or to respond that allowed the Magic of God to be seen?
How many pictures do we hold of relationships, jobs, how we should be, friends, holidays gosh there must be millions. What this reminded me was something I learnt (and am still learning) in that if we are frustrated at another then first look to ourselves as why we are frustrated about someone; as it will be within us first before we see it in another … same with judgement.
Very true Adele, our patterns are built up over many years – and the propensity towards those patterns needs a watchful eye on when they sneak in. Catching the pictures highlights what might be behind those behaviours.
Adele I had to come back and re read your blog. I can still feel there is much more I can get from it. You offer incredible insight on how to live relationships without picture and offer a glimpse of space it creates. I’m sure I’ll be back for more.
I am constantly finding yet another picture that I have in my baggage of pictures… how I should do this at work, how I should be as a woman, how I should be on a date, how I should be as a mother, how I should be as a practitionner and the list goes on. The pictures are just ideals and beliefs that I have and that word SHOULD that I get caught following at times rather than as you say, feel what to do in the moment and act from there. I know I have been one who has re-acted over and over again, doing the same thing even though the circumstance is very different. Feeling the situation and responding instead of re-acting is the key. Allowing myself to change my patterns of behaviour rather than just do what I always did.
A classic example was I was vegetarian for years, over 15 years and then realised that I had a picture that it was healthy and that it was what I had decided so I couldn’t change it. I wondered who had made up this rule one day and did the choice to still be vegetarian still apply and feel right for me. The answer was a very clear NO and I feel healthier now than ever before and I love eating meat! The picture was it was healthy to be vegetarian and kind to animals. I had taken it on, lived with it for over 15 years and never questioned if it was still true to me or not. How many instances do we do this and become identified with the picture, for example in my case I was identified with “I am a vegetarian”!
Pictures rule until we are willing to listen to our bodies and truly feel.
What you have describe can go on so often in life – the dissatisfaction, disgrunted or let down feeling you have when someone elses picture of life goes allign with yours
I love this sharing, especially the awareness of the dynamics that were going on. And how both play their part in it and that if we’re willing and open, that there’s always communication possible. How amazing would life be if we would all hold so much space for one another that every one is indeed free to make their own choices? What if… Until that time, understanding that we’re not the same and that everyone has the right to make their own choices, supports a lot to stay in harmony with each other. Thank you deeply Adele.
I really loved reading this again Adele and feeling how you truly respected your choice and your sons choice and how much more space that allowed you both. We all have freewill to choose, and as soon as we try and impose, everyone feels it! So wow what a change for you to break the ideals around a mum and child on holiday.
‘The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfil these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment’, I love this quote Adele. Letting go of pre-conceived pictures can he hard, we live in a world that is always enticing us to be more, to want more, to have more, rather than just let go and surrender to what we are already are by letting go of the pictures. Difficult and challenging at times yes, impossible, no.
There is no truth in pictures and no pictures in truth.
‘I made the point that from, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility…’
This is simply it and this is the Truth Adele. Relationships are not about what we have made them to be about but first and foremost we are to honour and respect deeply the relationship we have with ourselves – that is the no.1 Relationship. This challenges the conventional view, but it is what is needed if we as the human race are to truly evolve.
You make an important point in how we seek to fulfil the image of being ‘good’ and ‘right’ – and how on the journey to this goal, we override what is true, not only for ourselves but those we are trying to be ‘good’ for.
Pictures and their expectations really are designed to trip us up, as we will be instantly disappointed when someone doesn’t play their part. and especially so if we have any investment in another person conforming to our picture. Add to the mix another person and their pictures and so the dramas and conflicts of the world play out. Learning what our pictures are and stepping free of them, allows us to see the world in its true light.
Going through life with no expectations would certainly reduce the likelihood of being disappointed.
A great example Adele of what happens when we let someone be, not imposing our own expectations (from pictures) of how they should be in relation to us. As parent to a teenage son also, I can relate to much of what you’ve shared and it does not make for a good relationship. Accepting others for their choices and getting on with our own is key I agree.
Pictures or expectation we hold for another to comply with are the antidote for having any true relationship. Letting go of one´s pictures means coming back to feeling and admitting one´s needs and hurts and take responsibility for ourselves instead of wanting someone else to do so.
Really inspiring Adele! Living with pictures is like comparing to something that doesnt exist and is therefore unattainable and for me then results in trying really hard continuously which is exhausting to say the least!!!!! It seems impossible to leave without these continuous expectations but i know they’re formed from my needs… so i’m focussing on meeting my own needs for the meantime!
I can relate to the need to let go of images within a relationship to allow it to be all that is offered and find that in doing so there is more magic within it that could not be imagined.
‘The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.’ Very true. When we don’t allow another the space and understanding to be where they are at we are simply imposing on them.
Where we come from is Oneness and as part of that Oneness we are in constant relationship with everything else and yet here, on Earth, we have become so utterly fragmented that most of us are having to re-learn how to be in relationships again, it’s painful to know that we are here by choice.
If the mental pictures that we hold onto “seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world”, imagine then life when pictures are dropped and we are left to be in that unconditional space, love.
Rosanna even imagining fills my mind with pictures, yet I know what you mean and get a real sense of an open spacious way of living.
“The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.” Such wise words and ones that we could all pay heed to. If we follow what we ‘feel’ rather than being attached to what we ‘think we should do’, i.e. pictures, then we allow sitations ot unfold in a very natural and loving way, and magic can happen. So many true opportunites are missed because we get oursleves in the way of what could otherwise very naturally occur.
What an amazing reflection of the pictures we hold and live by in our daily lives and how we see things are going to be and try and make this happen and then get upset when it is not like this. Allowing a flow and everyone to simply be is beautiful as you share with such wise words “no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.”
Learning to let go of pictures relating to my relationships is extremely supportive and often when I let go of one picture another one appears for me to learn and let go of. Some picture seems to be harder than others to discard, they seem to stick like concrete but being aware of them and observing the effects of my choices means I can slowly chip away at the more stubborn ones. It is interesting and amazing to feel the lightness and joy in my relationships the more I choose to let go.
Funny how we expect everything to miraculously change because we are on ‘holiday’, a word that is used for a space in our lives that we commonly use to attempt to escape from the drudgery of everyday life. When we really look at the word however, it is derived from the word ‘Holy’, a Holy Day, which implies a space of reverence, appreciation of and connection to the Divine. What if we focussed on making everyday a Holy Day, so that when we take our holiday, we don’t use it as a space to escape something, but a time to celebrate, appreciate and enjoy everyone we holiday with, self included, supported by the divine momentum we have established in our daily lives.
It feels very restrictive and controlling to have all of these pictures and expect others to act in a certain way so that the pictures are played out to our satisfaction, and then you have the pictures clashing constantly because someone has to give in an adhere to another’s picture – never likely we live in tension with each other.
Pictures will either give us a (false) sense of elation when they are met, or disappointment when not met. The problem with pictures being that both scenarios are harmful for us.
When I have to change my picture it creates a lot of tension in me. It makes me realise how stuck and invested I can get to have things turn out in a fixed way. I can restart with dropping the picture of how I thought this weekend was going to pan out.
‘no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfil these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’ I love how this quote is asking us to trust in our innate wisdom. If we take a moment to stop and allow ourselves to feel, our body guides us. We know how to be as a woman, a mother, a father, a son ……. if we can choose to stop looking outside ourselves for the answers and trust in what we already know, the answers are all there. Then we make ourselves ‘available’ to the ‘unlimitedness of the moment’.
This is huge and very inspiring. Allowing another to be themselves in a relationship is the foundation of love.
The thing about pictures is that they are not ‘from us’ originally. They are a combination of ideals and beliefs that we have been fed from childhood, the media, life in general – a concoction of stuff that, while we hold the pictures, we believe we must live by. It’s a template, a series of expectations that we use to praise or punish ourselves and others. But it’s not true, it’s not who we are and it keeps us trapped in a falseness that is very harmful as it is stopping us being who we naturally are. The pictures stop us from receiving life in full.
The deep form of self acceptance which comes from not needing another to be a certain way is how to have a true relationship, which is the bringing of all that we are.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises” – yes, and when there is understanding, there is space, and when there is space, there is the expanse of love.
When we take time to stop and explore the choices we each make, it helps to create a greater understanding as well as helping the relationship to evolve, as we become more honest in our expression.
Hi Adele one can clearly see from your blog just how holding on to any expectation or picture would be a rejection of the other person and would be felt as such by them and also a rejection of yourself as you would have limited your experience to a function that fitted a picture that didn’t work for either involved.
It is impossible to frame the expansiveness we are, even though we may try to reduce ourselves or others to an image.
Amazing! I have a trip coming up with my mother, and I can feel how both of us are going into these pictures. However, it is super simple simple – I don’t even need to think about the trip and just experience it when it comes 🙂
I find that the more awareness and understanding we have of ourself the more we can bring that into all our relationships, into how we hold others too.
Absolutely agree and that does not always mean they will meet us at that level of relating.
I liked what you have shared about taking on roles and the limiting effect of believing that’s who we are. What I see we get out of this is security and the comfort of being something familiar, predictable and defined. However the soul is not like that, it is limitless in what we are able to express and feel. We are not 2 dimensional cut outs and life becomes very stale and purposeless when we live this way.
Another word for pictures is expectations. This is something we cook up in our minds ahead of time, so has no relation to what is actually true at the time. No one likes the feeling of being expected to do anything, but we are more than happy to put out what we expect of others. Our expectations come loaded with wants and needs and not only squash the other person but the potential for feeling more within ourselves.
Today I realised that I have a picture how I expect myself to be when I’m in the company of people. I have to be funny, playful, joyful, cheeky and entertaining. And if I’m not, I’m not worthy to be with people. So basically I’ve put my self-esteem into a picture I cannot hold. And it’s tiring, exhausting me. So if I let the picture go, who am I, how am I to behave. Who am I in the first place when there’s no picture… Interesting unfoldment…
The expectations and pictures of how we want others to be can be really imposing, even if we are oblivious to this at the time. The clarity you have, Adele when your pictures and your son’s pictures clashed really throws much light onto my own choices and expectations I have placed on others. Thanks for sharing.
True Rachel, a sharing that offers a real stop moment for deep reflection.
The pictures we have of what a relationship should look like is the greatest illusion there is – there is no end to what our children, partners, friends, colleagues etc. etc, should live up to, if we had it OUR way…
Sure is Eva! As soon as we remove one picture another appears to again lead us in the direction that we ourselves are asking others not to judge us in. Building a foundation of lived responsibility supports this.
When we live from a picture of how we want ourselves or another to be, we do not allow the fullness of the person to express themselves and hence we miss out on a large part of the relationship with ourselves and/or with another.
And also it takes the willingness at least if two people to have and be in a relationship.
It is amazing the magic that presents itself when we are living what is true for us… like being invited to a wedding!
This is so true Adele, and so very supportive of everyone when we express “… we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices.” It creates a harmony and a natural flow within life and within relationships.
I have seen how constricting it is when we try to hold people to be in a certain way as it does not allow them to simply be themselves. It also comes across as being very judgemental amd controlling because effectively we are wanting and needing them to be a certain way.
How important is it for us to…”… let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” We can become so absorbed in our children’s lives that we loose sight of, who we are as a woman first and foremost, and of being true to ourselves.
There are so many pictures around mothering and they are designed to keep one away from being oneself. Great to realise and let go of these.
There are so many ideals about how we relate to our children and you have shown us, Adele, that these ideals do not support or deepen our relationship with our children or ourselves. I too have always created a lot of pictures and they in truth just create expectation and cause frustration and disappointment without adding anything to an otherwise beautiful relationship.
I love how you are bringing light to the fact that we all have pictures. And you honestly and openly write about it. I love your acceptance of yourself and your son which gives you a deeper understanding of the pictures at play. Thank you for your sharing.
It definitely confirms that I am a woman expressing with parenting duties and to continue to understand my pictures that get in the way.
Just the responsibility to be honest with what they both felt is amazing and then expressing that.
and what when 2 or more people have different pictures? Especially when each person is holding onto their picture for dear life. How difficult is it to resolve things then? As opposed to not holding onto any pictures and simply allowing life to naturally unfold.
What would advertising be without pictures? What was the world like before TV when the world outside of our sight was newspapers and radio, if not simpler? Now the image is everything… if you believe what we are shown in pictures everywhere. As you have said, Alexis, we should all be farmers, plant the seed and see what grows
Great question Steve and my feeling is that without pictures we wouldn’t have any need for advertising as it is currently known, however we would have ‘information sharing’ about products. One kind of advertising leads from the outside and the other is motivated from the inside.
It’s the holding onto the pictures that causes the hurt because the expectation is not met. But this is ridiculous really because it is very rare that another is even aware of our pictures let alone has the same one. Pictures may seem good at best but they are never true therefore will always leave a tension in the body.
and just as damaging as the pictures that we hold that do not match life, are the parts of our lives that actually meet our pictures. The problem being that a picture does not change and yet the nature of life is that it is ever changing, therefore if we have something that has matched a picture and continues to do so, then by it’s very nature it is outdated as soon as it’s met.
I love that approach Adele “…being a woman with parenting duties…” – that feels so empowering, really claiming who we are in full first and then from that place we have a great foundation to attend to our duties with all the love, care and dedication that is needed.
It’s interesting as you explore this more and more, projected pictures or images are everywhere – I was just thinking about how giving birthday/Christmas presents are often loaded with expectation that the recipient will love what they receive. Great to ponder on this more.
Great point, and it’s worth noting that everyone has a different definition of what good or bad might mean. It’s all very subjective, no wonder we don’t see eye to eye!
Communities would benefit from more discussion on the responsibilities of being a parent.
Hanging on to pictures often leads to disappointment. Disappointment that things havn’t gone our way. So well done Adele, for letting go of the pictures and allowing your time with your son to unfold naturally, without having any expectations. Imagine if we all allowed our lives to flow like that.
Great observation and sharing here, Adele. Pre-conceived ideas and pictures often generate expectations, so it’s no surprise that we feel let down if the visions don’t pan out the way we’d have liked. Communication and transparency are key to any relationship, regardless of who the person is – we can then meet in the middle with a level of understanding which leaves little room for expectation.
You so clearly describe how what it is to live with pictures and how this can play out in life. When we approach any role or any situation with a preconceived idea of who we want it to be, we are always going to be fighting a tension against the reality of how life is, which can never match our perfect picture, because life doesn’t work that way – it is perfectly imperfect in how it works out and yet we will never appreciate this if we have pictures clouding our view.
Having a preconceived picture about what anything should look like is setting us up for big disappointments most of the time. Its like having a picture that your dad is buying you a car and he gives you a moped.
Whatever way we look at it, when we have an expectation of how something should go my experience has always been disappointment. Yet the subtle pictures are there in every part of life, and as a person that would avidly use “my imagination” to escape life and dream up some future fantasy its a gradual journey to let go of the pictures, they are in many ways like a babies comfort blanket – something that I’ve relied on. Now when we take this into relationships and let go of pictures it opens up life to a world of possibilities, no need to react but a willingness to deepen the relationship without an end result in sight. I love what you’ve shared as often a picture is not only damaging for another that we want them to live upto but also for ourselves.
It is so so healing when someone no longer imposes an expectation on you to be a certain way or do things that another wants them to do. We let ourselves be ruled by pictures after having disconnected from our essence and from there, we are forever seeking to fill up the void that is there as a result. And so we demand off people, needing them to fill up that void -and hence the pictures and the tension that reigns in so many relationships.
This is inspiring in the way that we can apply this to any relationship. Remove the judgement of someone else’s choices and we leave them free to be themselves and ourselves free of frustration too. We also drop attachment to the relationship having to ‘work’. If it works it works, if not then we don’t lose anything.
Gosh, I can so relate to this, Adele. In the past I used to not enjoy family holidays a lot of the time, because I was so locked into expectations of how things should be. There is so much investment in having a good time on holiday and it puts so much strain on the relationships, rather than allowing everyone to be themselves and do what feels true.
Such honesty. I feel that so many parents are presenting to others a very different story from what they are actually experiencing. I remember when I started talking openly with fellow fathers about how tough i found the first couple of years of my first son’s life, how I was greeted by waves of relief and out-pouring of similar stories!! So many of us keep this stuff locked up. Sharing these stories and being transparent means that the images no longer have a hold on us.
So inspired to read the courage of those that can drop their images and allow the space for us all to be exactly who we are.
When we experience tension in a relationship, is it that there is really an issue between the two people or are we just being confronted with the clash of our individual pictures that we are imposing on one another?
It is definitely a recipe for disaster, setting out with fixed pictures and ideals about what we want from a relationship, that someone else has to deliver, or as a role we need to play. What an imposition on the other person! Mix this up with the other person’s expectations, add a dash of ‘holiday’ and hey presto, stand back and watch your holiday plans simply sink in the middle. Superb rescue job Adele, to realise this at that crucial moment and make some core adjustments to the recipe. Allowing ourselves and other people to simply be our natural selves is the quintessential ingredient, because if left to do so, we will eventually re-harmonise because nature always does.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” No doubt this is something that we can all relate to at some point in our lives. There have been countless times in my own life when this has been the case, and maybe this is indeed the source of all conflict…for if we never had pictures, there would be no conflict.
What I am really appreciating within this sharing Adele is your willingness to allow your son to simply be with his own choices and to not get wobbled or go into reaction over this, simply allowing but at the same time continuing to offer a reflection of your own choices not thinking of him in any way lesser. This gives you both a lovely platform to meet on when you are together so that there is enjoyment on both sides and therefore a feeling of mutuality and openness ready for the next encounter to take you both deeper.
Thank you Adele. Boy do pictures cloud our relationships. Just reading your blog I was reminded of lots of similar situations in my relationship with my boys. The most recent one was only a few days ago. As one son will soon be 18 and the other 21 I thought a lovely meal out to celebrate would be great. Both were able to express they would rather just get a take away and chill at home with me. Initially the picture of having to celebrate these ‘big’ birthdays’ (another picture) got in my way and I felt confused and let down by their choice. However once I felt I had let a picture get in the way I could feel the joy in both sons being able to express how they both wanted to celebrate their birthdays.
The self love we hold for ourselves when there are no pictures is phenomenal and it is this self love that I am developing setting the foundation to living a life in true love.
When I was studying Stress Management and psychotherapy around the end of the 1990’s many of the techniques taught were around the manipulation of the images we have in our minds in order to present a more acceptable or even loving picture of events back to ourselves. Never was it questioned whether having images is actually healthy or not – but just the nature of those images. Is it possible though that we can live life without any images at all, in direct presence with life itself, feeling everything that is here to be felt and responding to what we feel? If we live our lives through a spectrum of imagery, what are we actually relating to? And who are we actually relating to? Are we actually in any kind of true relationship at all?
Adele, this is very inspiring for me to read as the mother, I can feel how attached I can be to my sons choices and that I often have the expectation that he will have similar choices to me, this does create tension. It is very lovely how understanding and accepting and loving you are with your son and how you let go of the pictures and expectations of how your time together should be and that this allowed you to deepen your relationship with your son, if you had held onto the pictures it would have been very different.
Do we allow all of these photos of what life is, to become paper-mache masks we wear? What are others seeing when we are wearing our masks?
I can feel how for me the pictures I have on life can have many different reasons behind them, like stories, and then run like pre-programming in life – how freeing it becomes to remove these and allow new choices according to what is felt in any moment.
Yes we do hold pictures on many aspects of our life. The undoing of them one by one, is our way to go and in that, as portrayed so beautiful in this blog, we do connect more with the essence of ourselves and of life and in that can see one another for the truly beautiful people they are, whatever their choices in life are.
‘So we enjoyed the rest of our trip and continued to enjoy a deeper relationship with each other, even though our daily choices are completely opposite in life.’ This quote made me realise something very clearly – that relationships are building and developing all the time and that without pictures they are free to do so respectfully and lovingly, how ever different our choices may look. I love this article – the understanding, respect and grace shared is inspiring.
Its fascinating to unravel the myriad of images that much of the time we are unconsciously aligned to.
By the very notion of booking a holiday, a compartmentalised window where everything will be “ok”, we are already being invited to calculate pictures. The consistency of our rhythms is what supports us to jump out of the expected box.
The world we live in actively encourages pictures at every turn. Advertising is all about selling a picture. We attempt to buy or create the picture we seek without realising we’ve been sold a lie. But perhaps we are the ones lying to ourselves all along as deep down we all know truth.
I wonder what would happen if the pictures get aligned before the start of the holiday. If the pictures are too different it may not be worthwhile to go together on a holiday. On the other hand such a discussion before the start of the holiday may also make the holiday more enjoyable as there can be agreement about everyone’s expectations.
This illustrates the truth that expression is truly everything.
When I take the time to observe and express my feelings, it dissolves impositions felt as I have chosen to not be controlled by the pictures held by another. This allows another the spaciousness to feel their own choices and actions.
Yes this allows for a freedom of expression and a letting go of reactions and can restore harmony where there has been conflict, It sometimes requires us to let ourselves be seen and felt in our fragility and rawness and can show us the power in humility.
An awesomely honest and a very relatable sharing Adele which clearly demonstrates that whenever we hold pictures of how we expect something to be we are inevitably setting ourselves up to be disappointed, sad, frustrated or even angry. No pictures – no set up!
It is so interesting how we can put expectations on ourselves without even realising we’re doing it. We often don’t go away in the holidays, I can feel quite guilty if I am not using my time productively, it’s taken me a long time to be able to allow the day to unfold rather than feeling things need to be organised. I can so appreciate how dropping ‘the pictures’ allows the space for everyone to contribute and be involved in the day, rather than someone controlling how things are going to be.
I can feel that as a result of holding pictures about how I want my son to be, that there are times when I’m with him, that it’s as if I am holding a picture up next to his face and constantly comparing the likeness. How must this feel for him? It is for me to consider the difference between viewing him with a picture next to his face, compared to simply just receiving the beauty that he already is. So much for me to become aware of.
‘The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.’ This explains, so simply and clearly, why there is so much conflict in society today. Even around the lunch table at work, people can become very easily offended by another’s remarks, defending our ‘pictures’ becomes like defending our castle. A contradictory comment can be taken as a personal attack, rather than someone just expressing how they feel.
This is so true, the pictures we hold keep us in the same pattern we have thought ourselves to be in. Not letting the way we live evolve and be as it is in the moment. Pictures can be stubborn, and hard to let go but it is always a choice, and a very freeing one.
When we paint the picture in advance we don’t allow for the magic to unfold.
I love this Merrilee…how indeed can the magic unfold if we are constantly projecting fixed ideas of how life needs to be?
Gorgeous blog Adele and an absolute blessing for parents with preteens and teens to read. This paragraph is gold ‘I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.’ If households just applied this one aspect of expressing and choosing for self without compromising others choices then massive changes would happen.
Your blog clearly illustrates how easily conflict or tension arises due to the clash of the different pictures and images we have. The trick is to let go of any picture that sets up an expectation or perceived outcome.
Absolutely Jo. And I’m sure that if we even share these pictures with our family members that we would all discover that every person in one household has their own very individual way of how they think the whole thing is going to go. Communication and honesty are also key here. Holding each other in deep respect while allowing space for expression and choice is a truer way to go than to bend these pictures in life that holds tension in the family.
Yes. And the space this allows for respectful understanding is an incredible foundation for true relationship… picture and expectation free.
Having pictures of how everything is supposed to be is so engrained, so entrenched, that both myself and most people that I meet are quite often completely taken by them, without even the knowledge or the awareness of what they are or how much they control our relationships with eachother. And even with just the slightest start of living without pictures, it still feels like a long journey ahead until we are free of such impositions.
Yes. Dropping one image can often lead to the discovery of a whole lot more! But I am finding that the more I can let go, the easier it becomes. Once we tenderly embrace the fact that we might have wandered down a few wayward paths and don’t judge ourselves for this, then it becomes simpler and simpler to let them go. Also, they stick out more, I notice them more. As I get closer to the truth of who I am, anything that isn’t that, is more and more noticeable.
I’ve always needed people to be around me. So I was always busy pleasing them. I allowed a lot of space for them to be themselves, but I had always stress of being liked at the same time. The only way to be independent of people and just be myself, is when I let these pictures go and just present / be who I truly am. This requires a choice to be me. And not the picture(s) I might have (do have) of who this me is.
Sometimes we even have a different picture of how we are or who we are for different people. Just being ourself brings a balance and true face of who we are presenting to all others.
This blog gives me a deeper understanding of the insidiousness of pictures and expectations. Sometimes we think our way is better for everyone and the if they don’t comply we are derailed. Detachment would be good to exercise here, as you did with your son.
When we drop our pictures, there is an infinite amount of space for all to evolve and expand into… A truly harmonious way of living.
An a space where all our unique flavours and expressions can be celebrated.
Funny how we put expectations on a relationship, on a trip on an event and on a person without even realising it! What I love about what you shared Adele, is the fact that you were open to seeing what worked and what did not work and instead of taking this as a failure or a problem, you allowed for it and went with what worked, whilst of course fully respecting the other and their space as well as your own. How is it that we can be so scared to let go of this rigid way of being or thinking, only to find that letting go of this is one of the most freeing things we could choose to do, something that lightens our life incredibly? I feel this is something I too am learning to do each and every day – recognising the fear that comes up in allowing change, and them embracing a truer way of being that does not set myself nor another in a mold that we have to conform to.
I agree with all you share here Henrietta and I also loved how Adele trusted her inner-wisdom of how to move forward.
This really supports us to understand why some conflicts occur. Often we have a picture of how things should be or how someone should be, and if they don’t meet these pictures we can often feel hurt, rejected, unappreciated and not loved. But often it is also related to a lack of communication, openness and willingness to express how we feel. Letting these pictures go and choosing to communicate and express how we feel will be much more supportive and harmonious for our relationships.
Our pictures set us up to fail because they relate only to us and are projections of the future… they are mentally driven images and not true to our innate heart-felt essence which has its own wisdom and natural rhythm in every moment that is inclusive of all others.
It is so important for women to be the woman they truly are first and foremost – before they are a mother, a sister, a daughter, a wife, etc.
When we go into roles and run our lives from pictures we drain ourselves, life becomes exhausting, and we become more emotionally driven.
Live our lives from what is true for us as a woman and life is harmonious, with its own loving and joy-full rhythm.
We all know how awesome it is to do something we feel to rather than some thing we feel obliged to.
No one wants to be imposed upon.
Adele, I love this blog. I can totally relate to what you are sharing. What I have found is that when I let go of the pictures, the should’s and should nots, there is space for things to happen that I had not even imagined.
Interesting to expose how we think things should be somehow different on a holiday than they are in everyday life. It is like we hold holidays as like a ‘holy grail’ and all things shall go well – weather, hotels, relationships, sightseeing etc…. and quite often they don’t. So much pressure (from these pictures) is put on this time I think because we hang out for them so much as we spend much of our everyday life, waiting for these holidays to get what we deserve. There’s a trillion pictures just in this example.
I agree, Sarah. A holiday is a special time which can be quite different, giving us the opportunity to make some temporary changes and to see how they work out, to try something new.
Pictures in the mind totally take over what is truly there to be felt in the moment. They are like the ultimate ‘over-riding tool’ for missing the truth, wisdom, joy and harmony that are available in each moment that unfolds when we are open to the magic of god.
If, picture’s take over our mind, what happens, normally with adolescence, when they are allowed to decorate their rooms? And, fill the walls and ceilings with photos and posters?
Good question Steve, reading this tattoo’s came to mind . . .
The pictures we hold extend beyond the event or holiday time. If we’ve ‘had a good time’ on our holiday, there is a story to tell others when we get back that sounds great and fits another picture but doesn’t deliver any truth of how it actually was.
I appreciate reading about the love and understanding you offered the situation when you observed that “this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day”. I notice that this is a level of understanding, acceptance and space that would be amazing to offer ourself as well as to everyone else we meet.
It is so important not to impose the pictures we hold as parents onto our kids. The tricky thing I often found was sorting out my own pictures of how things ‘should’ be, from the loving discipline that needed to be applied. A key for me was that the loving discipline always came from a feeling, a knowing in my body – with no attachment or reaction.
What you are sharing is huge Adele. It is in fact the crux of most of our conflict and tension as you say and therefore it is crucial that we come to a form of relating with each other in such a harmonious and loving way from true understanding and love. I am learning that even an ounce of expectation and investment in the other person doing or being a certain way is imposing and actually does not support them at all to come to their own understanding of why life is the way it is for them.
Whenever there’s a picture of how we want things to be there is always disappointment, because it’s actually impossible for the whole of life to constellate to find that one individual picture. What if life has to offer is a million times more amazing than any picture we could ever imagine?
This is the thing Meg. Perfectly said. Any picture that we might paint is always gonna be so much less magnificent than the truth…so we should just put down our paint brushes and live our fullness in every second. No expectation. No pictures. Blank canvas for God to work his magic!
“Blank canvas for God to work his magic!” I love it, let’s put down our paint brushes and leave the architecture of life to the masters.
Really interesting how when you both ran the day according to your own pictures neither of you actually enjoyed yourselves or each other! That’s such a strong clue for us: when we don’t feel the enjoyment, take a look and see what it is we have expected of a situation or another that’s causing tension in its place.
The pictures we carry are relentless in the sense that they go non stop – we have taken on so many ideals about how we and everything around us should be, that we don’t seem know who we are without the pictures.
The steps back to our true selves can be challenging at first, but most of all they are profoundly life changing.
Love it Adele, such a simple example of living from our ideals and not what is right in front of us…then wondering why there is conflict and tension
If we don’t develop loving and respectful relationships in our homes and in regular life, then when we go away the expectation that things will change and be picture perfect is just that, based on a picture. Occasions, events or vacations should always be celebrations of the love within relationships that is lived every day, rather than a ‘one off’ time when everyone has to get along.
Thank you Adele, I am experiencing very similar things to what you have described here and particularly your last paragraph. Letting go of the pictures around mothering, and learning to simply be a woman who is a mother is very empowering. I have only just realised the extent to which I have been lost in this role, and so coming back from this is very beautiful.
I cast so many expectations and pictures on my parents growing up – I actually remember the day when i began to realise that they were just people like everyone else. Now I can see how much time was misused during my childhood, where I could have actually been appreciating and supporting them for who they were instead of reacting to what they didn’t do or wanting them to be different.
Beautiful Adele, such incredible truthfull sharing of the effects of having and living in expectations. And how we can see how we can limit ourselves and our network of support to others simply by our own expectations and beliefs. We sort of become in our own spinweb and thinking that that is just it and it needs to happen. Very recognizable. And so beautiful that you share this honesty with which set a true marker of how can truly look at our lives and heal the unpleasent and non-truthfull expressions in our lives for good. It simply requires an open and honest look!
Hi Adele. This blog exposes much of the way we complicate our everyday moments especially when we go on holiday and then suddenly think the time we are spending with others will be different to our regular every day. In some families where conflict has been what has held them together, they can go away and have a picture of everything being fun and any unrest remains hidden. This is such a great opportunity to reflect on the pictures that we carry and how we choose these pictures over being honest in our relationships with each other.
Wow, Adele you really highlight how our pictures and expectations can get in the way of relationships and understanding for another. This gives me pause to much reflect on!
For me too Rachelmurtagh1, and letting go of these pictures of how someone should be allows an openness, surrender and space for trust. Also it doesn’t seem to bring up any form of control but an allowing for others to be who they are. It is interesting why we have these pictures, they work in a way that creates conflicts and disturbances in our relationships. So, by letting them go supports our relationships hugely.
Adele I love your sharing as again I get to feel just how many pictures I may have about how things are, can be and will be in life. Yet when I let go of the pictures and focus on my quality, my movements then the relationships become about the quality and feel between us and not the end picture. It’s hard through when the world is selling us the escape holiday or happily ever after picture.
Thank you Adele. What you share shows how influential having pictures of how we want things or expects things to be can push us away from each other. You looked at your pictures saw the effect they were having and with understanding your relationship with yourself changed and with your son. Pictures are so limiting to what is really there.
Love the distinction you have been able to make between being a mother and being a woman with parenting duties. There is a real honouring of you in the latter. I know only too well how easy it is to go into ‘mothering’, putting everyone else first and then feeling resentful about it when it was my choice to do so in the first place, driven by a need to fulfil one of those pictures.
Adele this line is gold – ‘The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world’. I totally agree – for if there were no pictures we would just be left to respond to what we feel and not strive for something against our inner nature and wisdom.
I know I have often done things in life because I felt I should do, or because it was my duty to do so, rather than going with my true feeling on what to do. It never works in my experience and always leads to an inner tension or resentment inside of me, because I am dishonouring myself, which eventually comes out in a relationships issue or conflict.
Gosh how common must this be as a cause of tension or conflict in relationships – each person having their own picture of what something should look like and imposing that picture on the other person consciously or unconsciously. Great subject to talk about.
The pictures we hold of how humanity ‘should’ be are devastating. Devastating to ourselves for we are constantly feeling disappointed or let down by others and devastating for others due to the crushing judgements we are dishing out with every picture and ideal. Live and let live – no pictures, no ideals, no expectations, and last but not least, no perfection being sought.
The true meaning of compassion.
Your blog reminds me of New Years’ eve where everyone has to stay up on that one day until mid-night and enjoy themselves until that final moment when the clock strikes midnight. I could never understand this as it always felt like a big ant-climax which never felt true or real. When we have a picture of how something should be or how we would like it to be it often comes laced with our own beliefs and expectations and is no longer enjoyable for anyone.
Absolutely! A picture is us trying to control the uncontrollable, it’s like having the whole of the universe at your feet, but ignoring the whole entire universe and saying I only want this tiny, tiny microcosmic part of it.
Agreed Meg, and the way you have written this shows very clearly how limiting having pictures is and the vastness of what we are blocking out.
Yeah! It’s like sitting under the night sky and having a picture of a star and saying that is all I want, when if you look up there are literally billions and billions of stars already there.
I can relate to this ‘self-imposed straight jacket’ Mary. It is so limiting and yet it can be held onto with a degree of stubbornness or defiance because ideals and beliefs are so ingrained.
I had never really considered that we can have conflicting pictures when approaching a situation before however this make perfect sense. Very much like having different ideals and beliefs about life has caused so many conflicts in our history.
That’s true Michael – they are the same aren’t they? One happens on a macro scale and plays out on the world stage, and our pictures are our inner-world at times our little secret. But if they don’t come true we can react without even being honest to ourselves that this is what is going on -in our minds.
This is very powerful, Adele – “to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” I was riddled with pictures of what a mother should be when my children were young, and I am still exposing them to this day, but it is becoming clear to see how this gets in the way of the natural relationship building that occurs with others when we are true to ourselves.
How spacious it feels within my body reading the words of Serge Benhayon you quote here – how amazing it would be to consistently flow harmoniously and live and be ‘in the unlimited-ness of the moment’ so that it is then a totally new-normal way to live 24/7 – a key to true healing as it would be impossible to then live in the usual tension and contraction that living with ideal and beliefs of ‘how things should be’ (pre-conceived pictures) with rushing and the driving force always pushing our way of doing in life.
“The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment”.
A beautiful sharing Adele, thank you. What you have here is so true and very inspirational;
“The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.
I can feel your love for your son in your acceptance of his choices, and your love for yourself in your claiming of your own. Very inspiring.
Carrying pictures of how things “ought to be”, “could or should” be is a guaranteed way to destroy relationships. We can all feel when someone is carrying a picture about how we should be or behave and it feels horrible. True freedom comes from allowing another to be themselves.
Sure is Elizabeth Dolan. The investment becomes the ‘be’ and end all and when the pictures don’t turn out the way we planned them to be we can send ourselves onto a path of destruction. The levels of investment we put into these pictures is quite revealing and often when we feel we have made changes there is always another layer waiting to reveal itself that supports a more deeper understanding to learn and appreciate.
Do we live as 7.5 billion individuals each with our own images and pictures of how it should be and how we want our own lives to go? If so, is it any wonder we live with so much conflict? Is it possible that there is a unified truth that we can all connect to first – before we seek our own way through life? Personally I love the sense that we can all come together and work as one. Imagine what we could do. Or it might be said, ‘remember what we can do’ – when we are unified as a race.
Understanding is one of the greatest forms of love.
Its a weird expectation (which I have done for many years) that a relationship will be suddenly different on holiday. Perhaps if people play nice and sugar coat it this may occur for a day or two, but whatever is really going on soon resurfaces precisely because you have lots of potential time together. Better to use that time and space together to be real at the outset, and let something develop than want something different to happen without putting in the work.
“being a woman with parenting duties” In this the umbilical is cut and both parent and child are allowed to be who they are and build a true friendship based on love not need.
Holidays are expectation traps, particularly as we tend to look to these periods for ‘special’ times, ‘time out’ or for sheer relief or escape from everyday life. If we develop a way of living that is loving, the need for a break from life reduces, and the time away can be experienced as a period of true rest and rejuvenation. Ultimately, the aim is to get to a place where we feel what we feel on holidays every day.
Being a ‘mother’ v being a ‘woman with parenting duties’ – brilliant Adele, a ground-breaking re-presentation of a consciousness that has many women in its thrall. It also extends the notion of motherhood: all women are potential mothers to our children, in the ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ vein. We can all be responsible, a responsibility that is not the sole preserve of the biologically/legally-related woman.
So true Adele and you give us such a clear understanding of what our true responsibilities are as parents, to allow our children space to make their own choices and to not impose our own pictures, ideals and desires onto them. What a delicate balance it is, to hold a loving, caring space for them to explore the consequences of their choices in and, even when these choices do not correspond with our own, to still be able to deepen the quality of our relationship with them. The more we learn to let go, create the loving space through the quality of our own choices and express ourselves honestly, the more we afford them the space to expand and discover what their way is, with the benefit of an extremely loving reflection to support them.
Beautifully said Rowena.
At times it can be very challenging to honour the desires of oneself and also those of another when they are not the same. The only way to resolve the difference and identify not a compromise but a unified truth is by being truly honest and truthful, and sharing one’s feelings.
You bring beautifully to the for here Adele how our worlds clash because we think that things can change from one day to the other just because we are on vacation, or all together we can turn things around just because we want to or have decided to. And we can, but what we have to consider and bring to the equation is, that it takes time, because it takes time to build a rhythm and thus a momentum that carries us. If we do not bring our decisions into practice and consistently so they stay ideas/pictures that have little to do how we are in our everyday life.
We don’t always know what other people want and we tend to base our thoughts of what they might want on our own expectations. Unless we are open to having a two-way conversation and giving them a chance to express, making it very safe for them to express, so they are not just trying to please us, it can be a nightmare, where everybody is disappointed. My experience has been that, when everybody is open, everything constellates just perfectly.
Our pictures can be unconsciously used as weapons against others or to oneself. Therefore I love what you have shared Adele as you identify them as what they really are.
Yes Ester I agree, then we end up using those pictures and blaming others when the outcome is not what we expect, and when we really look at this, and the amount of pictures which are being played out, it is easy to see how we can disappoint others. The trouble is bitterness and resentment then becomes part of our relationships, and all of this goes on without us talking things through honestly.
I agree Ester, sometimes and quite often our pictures and ideas about the way things should be or look like are often very insidious and ingrained – I see them a little bit like going into auto-pilot – the problem is they are very directional and do not allow for any growth or expansion. When we get rigid with them not only do others feel it as a form of control we also get frustrated when the picture is not met.
Your understanding of providing space for your son and his pictures being different from yours gives you both the space to develop and grow together, Adele, instead of imposing one picture on the other which ends in the conflict. It would be like two different pictures on top of each other giving a very blurred image; it doesn’t work. Letting your son be himself and nurturing him is a great gift we can offer to our children and allow them to make their choices with the reflection of us making our choices too.
Take away the pictures and we uncover Life, in all it’s glory.
Beautifully and simply expressed, Alexis. Pictures hide and obscure the gloriousness of life.
The word ‘pictures’, although somewhat accurate, does not feel in total keeping with the energetic meaning of what they are responsible for. ‘Pictures’ are responsible for purposefully de-railing mankind away from truth. Pictures are a sinister and purposefully deceitful mechanism that are pinned over the top of life to deliberately and consistently hamper our return to the love that we all already are.
Learning how to be in relationship with every-thing and every-one is one of the main things that we are here to do. Pictures are purpose built barriers, designed to hamper our relationships with everything and everyone. Take away the pictures and our relationships are free to be the truth of what they naturally are, which in turn frees us up to be the truth of who we naturally are.
Life for most resembles elaborate decoupage………pictures overlapping pictures, overlapping pictures, it’s no wonder people are so confused, the truth is absolutely buried under a mass of pictures!
Could all of these photos become the paper-mache we build our bricks in our walls we create around us? Paper also has great insulating properties!
Thanks for sharing Adele. I would be interested to hear what it is “to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” I find the only way out of an investment or a mental picture is to be honest in the way you feel. Keep things ‘complete’ simple.
That I am finding out every single day by feeling my every move. Without a picture to follow, this is a complete surrender to feel into, allow mistakes, be super humble and always appreciate the relationship with myself, the willingness to start again if something does not work, to keep building on that which does work.
‘It was then I realised that it was not reasonable for me to suddenly expect my son’s built up pattern of sleeping late to be easily changed just because we were on a trip together, simply because of my expectation that it would be awesome to do some activities together.’ It’s interesting how when we hold expectations and pictures in so many ways which set us up to be perpetually disappointed when what unfolds doesn’t fit our image.
This is such a great example of what happens so regularly in life when we carry preconceived pictures of the outcome we expect, or what we would simply like to happen; it not only happens in relationships but in so many other areas of our everyday life. To carry these expectations can be so destructive as when they don’t unfold to plan, not only do we feel disappointment, resentment, anger and other emotions we then can begin to take how we feel out on others, and everyone loses.
I know exactly what you mean Ingrid, for me I find frustration builds up and then an inevitable explosion! I have also found images have led me to give up on certain areas of my life that I think are too hard to deal with or won’t change all because I want them to be a certain way which is not reality and so will not happen!
It’s so true that holding a picture of how things are going to be or should be, just makes us unhappy. Often the pictures or ideas are not expressed because we want the other people to just get it. And why would patterns instantly change? It’s so mush more loving to communicate and to honour each other so that there is a flow and surprising things can happen.
“if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment” – love the play on words here Adele, so true, pictures limit what in fact cannot ever be limited in the grandness and eternal vastness of the moment. So why bother trying?!!!!
This is really great to read as it reminds me of many relationships where each person has held pictures of what they would like often without acknowledgement of holding a picture or understanding that another could hold a different picture. I’m also seeing how recently my holding a picture of what my life should look like at my age really brings me into self-judgement and a deep lack of acceptance and understanding. Letting go of these pictures and giving myself permission to be honest with what is there to unfold is deeply nurturing.
I love that you have exposed the root of so many conflicts and relationship issues – ie people who do not provide space and understanding for the fact another may have and are attached to a conflicting picture to that of your own. Although the ideal would be for everyone to move through life without moving to pictures, to respect this is going on and allow for this understanding and acceptance, will not only avoid unnecessary disharmony but provide the space to honour another’s choices.
It feels like the whole society is built upon this – everyone agrees to run along a system because we think that is how it should be but no one actually likes it so the emptiness is kept upheld as an ‘ideal’ we keep pursuing.
Thank you Adele, this is something I too am learning, ‘to be in Relationship without Pictures’. I am aware that having pictures or expectations in a relationship doesn’t work, it is not loving or supportive and certainly creates disharmony but I find myself reverting to them again and again. What I have found really supportive is to be honest, open and be willing to expose and let go of these pictures. From this, I can learn from my choices and nominate these pictures to myself before it impacts on my relationships. As I develop more awareness and more understanding, these pictures become less and less intense and will eventually dissipate.
Thank you for sharing the great understanding and clarity that you came to here Adele. Living life from our true feelings, rather than just from an image we have in our mind, takes us all into consideration.
Thanks Adele, I have experienced this so many times, on both sides of the imposition of someone elses or my own pictures. The imposition can leave one feeling unloved and uncared for and a ‘convenience’ – where as when i make space because i feel a true purpose to spend time with someone – magic happens – what comes about is not what ‘i anticipated’ but becomes a deeply valuable experience, where things blossom in the openess of no expectations or conditions.
‘reinforced by a picture that may have been be ‘good’, but not true’ – So true; any ‘picture’ or ‘ideal’ means that we are comparing our lives or relationships to a something that isn’t actually real, so it’s impossible for a picture to ever be ‘true’. This exposes the fact that even a ‘perfect picture’ can have flaws if it isn’t based on real love.
Thanks Adele, I have experienced this so many times, on both sides of the imposition of someone elses or my own pictures. The imposition can leave one feeling unloved and uncared for and a ‘convenience’ – where as when i make space because i feel a true purpose to spend time with someone – magic happens – what comes about is not what ‘i anticipated’ but becomes a deeply valuable experience, where things blossom in the openess of no expectations or conditions.
It is really interesting to see just how much unnecessary anguish, tension and stress is placed on the body and our relationships when we have a picture of how something should be or look like. There is no expansion in a picture for it is flat and lifeless, but when we make choices to be connected to ourselves in any given moment and let go of the need to control situations, the world becomes full of opportunities that support, nourish and colour our lives within our relationships as a whole and it takes the pressure off others, which allows them the freedom to also make supportive choices too. Thank you Adele.
‘Even though we are mother and son and we do live in the same house, we have very different lifestyles and we are both stubborn in our choices.’ … I chuckled when I read this, Adele. For each of us, the ‘picture’ of what it means to be a ‘mother’ can be huge and very complex. As we shed one layer, we discover another and another lying below. I was touched by the respect you showed towards your son by understanding that just as you had your perception of how you’d like to spend your time together, he also had his. This was very honouring of him. As a parent, I find I can so easily slip into judgment when someone is choosing something so opposite to what I would like to do, but that doesn’t make me right or wrong, I can feel it’s about letting go of those pesky pictures, dropping the control and allowing the space for the moment to expand into whatever it is meant to be.
The pictures we create can be very destructive and unsupportive for our relationships…I have had many experiences of this, when the image of what I think something should be does not match what occurs, learning to let go of these and be open to what unfolds in life is a huge lesson I continue to learn.
‘The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.’ – Spot on Adele – I can so relate to this and notice how I can set up a relationship with pictures and then sulk when these are not met. A big check in for me.
It is absolutely amazing the support we bring to our children when we let them make their own choices. Regardless of what we think might be ‘right’ for them. Or ‘bad’. They’re on the same journey as we are. The journey of experiencing life and accept or deny the reflections life is offering to build and come back to our loving essence.
Awesome Adele! What a healthy approach to any relationship. There is so much to learn from this. I think pictures in relationships are what kills us the most. I have a whole catalogue of them, and I can safely say, that they are very firmly embedded into my ideals and beliefs. But, slowly and with the support of people like you acknlowedging they exist, one by one I can start to dissolve them.
Pictures prevent our ability to just observe and develop wisdom in life. They keep us out of the moment and locked onto how it will be. This takes us out of the responsibility of being present and connected in each moment, and reading and understanding life.
It is our preconceived images of what will happen that interrupt the connection that would otherwise happen, were our minds not flooded by such images in the first place! Learning to live free of such pictures is no easy task in a world so saturated by the images that we are fed from the moment we are born. These can take the form of actual pictures via advertising, movies, TV etc. or they can be more etheric pictures based on ideals and beliefs and that we don’t even know are in and affecting us, coercing us to be a particular way and override the truth we otherwise feel deep within. To get a sense of the influence pictures have over us we need only look at the way be conjure these up as we dream, be it daydream or sleep. That is to say, we seem to be perpetually at the whim of an inner movie that plays out we us as the leading character and in this sense begin to live a false version of ourselves that is nothing like our true self that has no want nor need for such impositions.
What you have shared Jane I have also found to be true, and that when I feel the tension that arises in such situations my whole body contracts and I feel my body harden.
So much to understand in life even for me as a man who has no children, great blog Adele, I feel the images I have in life drop away from your simple sharing.
The picture book in our minds can be very large volumes and apply to every part of our lives. To be able to start to be honest that there often is a picture behind nearly every action is the start to releasing tension in ourselves and towards another. Even if we don’t talk about our picture the want is still present between people.
Adele you are paving a path of complete evolution, relationships without pictures, I’m totally inspired to live with my eyes wide open to my pictures. I’ve known they are there but your blog offered me a glimpse of the space that can be if they are observed and not held on to.
It”s fascinating that we think we will ‘improve’ a relationship by adhering to the images and roles; when in fact it does not serve nor build a true relationship in any way shape or form.
Brilliantly put, Kylie. That is how we end up having a situation where an image fight an image.
This is a very familiar example Adele especially when on holiday. I know I have had expectations of enjoying time together with family whilst away, but it doesn’t always work out the way I planned it. Its so interesting what we expect of ourselves and each other according to preset ideals and beliefs that have nothing to do with the reality of our lives.
If we stop and truly consider what you are presenting here Adele, to live without ‘pictures’ in our lives, without the need for it to be or look a certain way would remove most of our self-imposed discontent, and also the imposition placed on others.
I couldn’t help but read this blog smiling Adele. I am in a romantic relationship with a man after being single most of my adult life and every day I discover more and more pictures that I need to let go of. The beautiful irony is the fact that the more we let go of the pictures the more wonderful our relationships become because we are allowing ourselves and others to be.
Love the honesty in your article Adele. Having pictures, images in our head about how our relationships, days and life should look to fulfil our version of success, does not allow for us to be with what is and the potential offered in these moments. Often when we simply flow with what is, open to what is before us we are presented with so much more than our preconceived ideas and ideals. Whenever there is an expectation from my experience there is disappointment.
It’s so easy to judge others on their choices. How refreshing to honour and accept them instead.
You live your life Adele with such a commitment to being you and allowing that to unfold, which then offers others to be them and let that unfold. And with that commitment you see such stuff along the way, such as the pictures you can hold about relationships. This line is so so so power-full – “for me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means”. I mean if more women who have children could see themselves as that, it would be a game changer.
Just focusing on this small period of life, on holiday, and the pictures that came up really confirms for me just how many pictures we grow up with, pictures for every situation, every relationship and every imagined or yet-to-be-tangible scenario! It is no wonder that life is laden with expectation, disappointment, resentment, ‘shoulds’ and the many other emotions when we live it according to pictures.
Pictures or expectations – it’s all the same thing and they kill relationships. It’s a bit like 2 builders having different architectural drawings for the same proposed building and attempting to build it…it would be a disaster.
A great analogy Sandra. Any form of stubbornness immediately shuts out the other person and the possibility of working together.
I am noticing more and more how our pictures block natural harmonious unfolding and expansion. It is like planning what the sunset ought to look like. Our minds can not possibly grasp the enormity of what the Universe can deliver when we open our hearts and allow the flow.
I so agree Golnaz, we live in a world of creation, the accumulation of our created images, yet when we deeply connect to the body and feel the essence within us, in these moments there is the natural space and expansiveness of our beingness. In truth we cannot be reduced by any frame or image.
We can read the work in progress we have as parents and people in this blog and while I may not agree with everything written in this blog I can apply the work in progress as a way to bring more understanding. Relationships are by no means perfect and the dedication to feeling in a way to unfold what we are holding onto at any one time. I can see how setting up pictures or expectations lead us to being in places literally where we don’t really want to be. It is true to communicate what we are feeling into the relationship with care and be open to unfold more of what is truly going on and not stay on a hard line of what you want to do. As I said I think these style of relationships are very much at a work in progress stage building to what is true.
What I am finding more and more is that when I have plans they never go according to plan. But in the past and even still today I can react when things don’t go ‘my’ way. But that ‘my way’ doesn’t feel good in my body so now I question more if this is truly ‘my way’. I feel lighter when I follow my feelings that often are never like my plans and pictures at all! Like expecting someone to do something if I speak up (like saying I feel hurt and they react) but in real life they are totally cool and the situation is so easy compared to the expected ensuing drama.
What a great illustration of the different pictures we can have of a holiday in a family! I really love the fact that you cannot suddenly change a pattern or way of doing something just because you are on holiday when there is no foundation built for that behaviour or connection. Children are a very honest reflection of that!
I love how you expressed about being “a woman with parenting duties”, Adele. This feels a lot less imposing than the term mother which sometimes implies ownership and attachment. It also allows us to appreciate that we are women first and that mothering is something that comes from that. Great sharing- thank you.
It is incredible how these picture we unconsciously carry have an affect on the way we live our life.
It is interesting the pictures we can carry of what being loving means. If we haven’t implemented the necessary boundaries with children or held the strong connection with them just because we are on vacation it doesn’t mean this changes- vacations can often expose the patterns we have been living in. Many have pictures of having a wonderful time together, sometimes a break away can give an opportunity for a fresh imprint and other times it can intensify what is there unsaid in the relationship.
This is so inspiring and true, Adele – “if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.” I can relate to being so caught up in pictures that I was not open to what the moment needed or could bring. This piece of writing is so confirming of the richness that awaits us once we let go of our preconceived ideas.
Adele, that is love – ‘to hold my son in much more understanding of the choices he makes.’ He would feel seen and not imposed on and possibly would want to spend more time with you when you are a ‘woman with parenting duties’ rather than when you are playing the role of ‘mother’. So many holidays are ruined by our expectations and pictures and it’s great that you were able to let go of them. As you say, ‘hanging onto any picture does not bring us to full truth’.
As soon as we have a picture, we are lost.
What a gorgeous reflection you bring Adele – Simply to be with and enjoy the connection with others rather than demanding of them to be behaving in a way that works for us!
Adele, your blogs are obviously written from the deep re-connection with your body. You continue to offer a deep honesty, great wisdom and insights to relationships. I am totally inspired with every word you share.
When I left Melbourne with my 2 daughters who were 15 and 16 at the time I decided that we would travel up to Byron Bay slowly, camping along the way. I bought a state of the art tent, an annex, a trailer that I decked out with an outside kitchen and new bikes, as I envisioned them riding around the towns we camped at. This was all my picture of what I wanted our move to look like. They hated camping, mopped around for most of the time, never road their bikes and just wanted to eat out all the time. Looking back on it exposes how disconnected I was from them and what they needed at the time of moving interstate away from their friends and family.
I can so see that when I have a firm idea or picture of what I expect someone to do or how they should be I get so disappointed. The weird thing with that is that its all a creation, it’s actually not true. No wonder we are in the situations we are in, in the world.
A great sharing to reflect on Adele. The pictures we carry in life will ‘run the show’ and determine the choices we make, if we let them do so.
Sounds like you had a very freeing holiday with your son.. Pictures run rife in families. Every reaction and every dynamic stem from pictures. Being willing to see them is enormous in itself.
Allowing another their choice is super powerful. It sets both parties free to be and choose themselves. I can feel that through such acceptance much bitterness and resentment is literally avoided. In its place is the space to feel for self if the choices being made are true.
What a learning Adele, things don’t change overnight for ourselves or for others. The pictures we hold with our expectations of a holiday, or sometimes with family, like at Christmas, or any festivity are what causes conflicts when we expect everything to be rosy because we are all coming together but we have often have different pictures. I am finding that things change significantly when I have no expectations of outcomes of an event, the picture dissolves, it will be what it will be.
It doesn’t work very well when we do something to fulfill another persons picture when we actually want to be doing something else. There is no flow and as you said Adele, there is a tension which when left unspoken kind of poisons the interaction. Expressing what we feel honestly even if it feels awkward makes all the difference.
Pictures in frames! Great blog that deepens and exposes how important it is to express without judgement. A critical element in any relationship. A reread is on the way with this one Adele. Appreciation of your son too for sharing!
A very helpful article to understand how much we live in pictures and expectations and how this automatically sets us up to fail. I have also learned, through the teachings of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, how to live my life according to my rhythm, step by step letting go of roles I thought I had to play and was playing, only to realise that the more I allow myself to live my truth the more everything else ‘falls into place’ or more so syncs to a harmonious rhythm with everything around me.
I know this situation so well Adele, having had similar experineces with both of my children at different times in our lives. But what I have found is that the more I let go of the pictures and expectations of how I want something to be and just allow a day out for example to simply unfold as we both feel what we want to do, the more gorgoeus our time together becomes. It has been a huge learning, and continues to be, as being a parent we can have so many ideals, beliefs and expectations of what our relationships with our children should look and be like.
Letting go of these expectations and pictures also opens room to just love each other the way we both are. The world often has become about showing love in doing things together and affectionate gestures yet true love is a holding and can be expressed without doing these things.
The quality of our connection is what counts not the length.
Pictures are an insidious way to live, they are very harmful and destroying, no matter what the picture is, be it life, family, work, relationships, etc.
What a beautiful revealing sharing of the way we hold pictures and plan our times and how to be together with others espcially our family members.The truth and space provided when letting go of these pictures and looking after oneself in the flow natural to us allows others space also to simply be who we are. What an inspiring way to be and a lot of lessons learnt and felt for all to read and take note of allowing harmony and flow to our lives and that of others too.Thank you Adele.
It is interesting that when we go away or have a holiday we immediately have pictures of how we would like it to be rather than accepting and allowing it to be an extension of our everyday life. With pictures we build expectations and then if these are not fulfilled these times can become laced with disappointment. It is great to break down these pictures as you have done Adele, then going away becomes more enjoyable rather than the tension we create wanting the time we set aside to be something special.
This blog also reminds me that the only true way to be in a relationship, whether that be with another, or with one’s self, is to allow one’s self the space to connect to that innermost part of us – the bit that always just knows what to do next, what to say in any given moment, without thinking. The moment we go into doing something for another or for ourselves because it matches a picture we’re holding on to of what things should look like or how we need to be, we’re off track.
‘ to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means. ‘ This is very inspiring for it is so easy for us to slip into a role that has been defined for us or dreamed up by us, and that we redefine, to our detriment,every time we consent to live and repeat it’s activity. Instead looking at our responsibility for ourself as a woman and then bringing that same level of responsibility of love and care to our ‘dependents’ is exactly what is being called for.
Every time we hold on to a picture of a situation, person or relationship, we limit its/their/our evolution: we squash its potential to grow and evolve, by our own conditions of what it ‘should’ look like. I’m learning to see and feel more and more that holding onto pictures is a holding on and a holding back that doesn’t serve anyone.
Adele, having met your son a few years ago and knowing how much he is his own man, so to speak, it is beautiful that you are finding a way to live together in your different rhythms. This goes for any family or group of friends living together, finding a way that is not a compromise, for everyone to live their rhythm in full.
That’s such a beautiful blog Adele, no fight, tension or conflict from wanting a certain picture, instead understanding and a sense of spaciousness between you.
It seems that when we have a picture with someone else in it, it’s actually quite controlling and not very considerate of them. I love how you bring understanding and allowing in where it could easily become blame and frustration.
Living with and imposing pictures on what we do, who we are, how we present makes us less. We are far more than what we know and experience and thus by allowing space everything is possible.
‘to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.’ I totally love this statement Adele. I don’t really identify myself as a ‘mother’, simply as ‘Michelle’ with 2 gorgeous children to care for. Whilst there may still be at times moments of putting my children first at the expense of myself, there is more of an identification of me as the woman than as the mother and so it is much easier to let go of those pictures you are talking of.
Adele what an amazing topic you write about and share here today, one that catches all of us and that is having pictures of how a relationship should be. What stands out is that unless there is a foundation of true expression then the tension of pictures, the falling back to them is super strong but that from the way we bring an understanding and approach to relationships we can break out of the trap of operating to fulfil a picture rather than freely living life in full commitment of whatever is needed next.
What I love about this is your willingness to understand what was going on and honesty in calling out the false expectations you had. There was no anger, frustration, judgement or push to make the pictures happen, instead by allowing yourself to feel and see the truth of what was going out and letting go you gave permission for your son and yourself to be … hence your relationship regardless of not having ‘time’ together you wanted deepened. This is a beautifull learning for all and definitely I am sure something all families can learn from.
It is so true that if we do not express the pictures we have and worse still if we choose to remain in ignorance of them they can cause much conflict with multiple reactions going on. Reading this earlier has allowed me to recognise a deep seated pattern of mine and make the choice to let go of feeling unsupported and instead get on and do simple things that will support me – I feel so much lighter thank you.
Adele, this is a great article, I can feel how harmful it is to have pictures of how things should be, I often have this and am then disappointed, rather than having understanding and acceptance that another may have different rhythms and ways of doing things and that it is not that one of is right and one of us wrong, simply that we are making different choices and it feels important to respect this and when we do this allows for connection rather than tension and disappointment.
Thank you Adele for the reminder to examine our pictures around parenting and expectations we put on our relationships. Bringing in understanding and allowing the space for others to do what they want feels less controlling than sticking rigidly to a image of what a relationship should look like, because inevitably the picture does not get met and we then blame the other person. Looking at it this way it is easy to see why we have tension between us.
I’ve had to look at and examine this same subject in the relationship I have with my daughter. She is seven and certainly has a mind of her own, I have had outings with her that I thought would be fun for the both of us like taking her on the London Eye which she just found boring and preferred at the time to carry on drawing pictures. She had expressed that she didn’t want to do it but the picture in my head made me say come on it will be fun, which it wasn’t.
Letting go of the rigidity of our images offers us the opportunity to reconnect with a grander rhythm that may just serve us all equally. We can forge our own path through life or we can work with the bigger picture that flows within us all innately. When we try to force our own path onto another, it is felt and generally resisted and if not, it is enjoined with a level of resentment. It seems to me that letting go and just being with others, allows them the space to be who they are and supports greater harmony in relationships.
Very beautiful Adele. “A woman with parenting duties” is an especially potent line that brakes down much of the preconceived ideas or images that seem to be just a normal part of our daily lives, but are not supportive in any way.
Great sharing Adele, so many people will be able to relate to this unfolding of expectations and pictures rather than the unfolding of the day.
“If we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment. ” Very true Adele. Trying to ‘fit in’ when my family visit for a long stay results in disappointment all round. Letting go of pictures of how things should be makes a huge difference – and allows spontaneity in the moment.
Adele, great blog about getting underneath the pictures we hold and I really understand when you say if 2 people have a picture then they will clash – and for me this is a key point a revelation – we will never all get along together if we have picture or ideas of the way we want things to be and we will always end up with conflict if we stick to a preconceived idea or ideal. It is amazing quite how much pictures we hold onto about life get in the way of us simply being with each other.
Adele I am always impressed with your sharing, and often I find that I have been offered a new way of relating in this world. I was trying to imagine how I would have felt in the same situation when my children were younger. I am not sure I could have been as allowing as you were with a 12yr. old! So lovely to see the development of relationships and the letting go of the expectations and pictures that you speak of.
I know what you mean Roslyn, yet our picture of age appropriateness comes into it here as well. We are conditioned to see by a number when someone is ready to be responsible for their own choices but I have learnt that each person is different and a 35 year old might well be less responsible in a particular situation than a 12 year old!!! That was a bit of a shock!
Another glorious article, Adele, and in this one you have clearly, simply and eloquently delineated the significance and impact of holding images, or expectations, of how we want things to be has on how we experience life.
When we have expectations that others will fit into our picture to make it picture-perfect for us we are imposing control over another, and if we compromise ourselves to fit the picture of another we are not being who we truly are. The ideals and beliefs that frame our picture are very restricting.
This pictures we have are expectations and made to frustrate us, because they will never truly fulfill. And even when life does occur to develop as expected – the next picture/expectation does follow immediately. You share a great example here Adele to see how we can let life unfold without controlling it. And the great thing is: things (specially relationships) can and will happen, which I never imagined. Cause our mind is limited where life is infinite.
This is so supportive Adele and I love how you welcomed the opportunity ‘to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means’. I am recognising that I am still affected by the pictures my late mother had of what it was to be a mother and imposing those on my daughter and feeling frustrated when she reacts/ignores my expectations! I can feel how in deepening my relationship with myself my other relationships expand as I challenge the pictures I have and make the choice to let them go.
There are four things that emanate from us ‘naturally’. They are of a different nature though. The first is what belongs deep to our being. This, which is only one of beauty and deep love, is something very foundational and very personal in its expression. The second has to do with choices we have made before the first incarnation. What results from is a profound alignment which informs our way of living and shapes what we feel is natural. The third are patterns lived during our past lives. They are here with us ‘naturally.’ The fourth are images we have bought, possibly not in this life but in previous ones. The third and the fourth have a strong hold on us. They are not part of US; yet they are part of us until we are able to renounce them, freeing ourselves from them. Breaking free from what imprisons us always permit more of us to come up. Joy is always a result of that.
Our pictures can really play havoc with us, especially when we let them define and rule us.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” Not only conflict but also a hurt that the other person does not fulfil our wishes, an emptiness which needs the picture to be completed. i love how you say Adele ‘What I have observed is also a very precious opportunity, and no doubt an ongoing one, for me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.’ Identification by pictures is an insidious pattern that makes woman go into only mothering and leaving the most precious relationship with who they are, a beautiful woman behind. At least this is what I have done in previous years and see with a lot of other mothers in my surroundings.
Your sharing is exposing how much I still hang on to pictures, being a good mother, being a good wife etc. and how much life is governed and ruled by those pictures. Those pictures are often loaded with emotions , we often are not aware of . So getting free of the pictures is getting free of emotions and expectations.
Great blog Adele, I can recall my parents trying things with me which never worked. A lot of the time it was them having a picture of how things should be or look like. It was also stressful and we could have easily avoided the dramas if they didn’t have those pictures of how things should be in their mind.
A great blog Adele that shows other aspects of our life when we look at relationships we are in. It is the foundation that is crucial here in order for both parties to be truly respected and honoured for their choices. There are so many pictures on how to parent, entertain children and control their every move. I have witnessed many families on holidays sitting miserably around the breakfast table fighting over what they want to do and the voting system is the last resort to keep the peace. It often has me asking what quality are we living in before we head out on a family holiday?
Living by pictures is so detrimental to building relationships. Because you don’t get angry at pictures we get angry because our pictures are smashed by another not playing their part.
A very thought provoking article Adele. I feel the same principles can be applied to any relationship, even friendship. But in the example you gave, it is particularly difficult to let go of pictures because being a “mother’ must have more images than any other relationship! Thanks for sharing your process.
To add that I too am examining the pictures that I hold around being a Mum. Someone asked me the other day if my son was a ‘good boy’ and I could feel how so many of us have very rigid ideas of what a ‘good’ and ‘bad’ child is. And how incarcerating is it to label anything, let alone a child as either good or bad. Labels come from pictures and pictures come from our imagination and so it’s fair to say that neither pictures or labels have anything to do with truth.
An interesting comment about ‘good’ babies and children. In my experience it usually means if the baby doesn’t cry a lot – that equals ‘good.’ But a deeper question isn’t then asked as to why a baby does cry so much – or not.
The labels of good and bad are pure evil, by applying them we bring down the hammer of judgement and truss whatever or whoever it is up so tightly that it is nye on impossible for them to wriggle their way out of our labelling. And Sue, as you have so rightly said, once we have labelled something then it takes away any onus on us to look any deeper than the label, which is just as dangerous with the label of ‘good’ as it is with the application of the ‘bad’ label.
Well said Alexis. The labels are easy ways to classify and make us lazy so we don’t have to look below the surface of behaviours to feel someone’s essence.
and Lucy, the absolute comfort and convenience of not having to ‘look below the surface of behaviours to feel someone’s essence’, therefore means that we don’t need to look below the surface of behaviours to feel our own essence, we can continue sleep walking our way through lifetime after lifetime.
Oh my goodness so true Alexis. Which leads me to consider is that what we are avoiding all along – feeling our own essence and knowing we can be the change in our own lives and therefore in the world?!
Sure we’re all avoiding our own essence because if we re-connect to our essence we then have to also fez up to the debacle that we have created here on Earth and who wants to put their hand up as having played an equal part in creating this shameful mess we call life?
How true with what we have in the news today – and yet has it not been on the cards for a while? What have we not taken responsibility for for us to need something quite so revolting and unloving to be what is now called reality.
Ourselves.
I’m not sure that there is much that gets in the way of life more than the pictures that we hold. These pictures, whatever they may be of, are like road blocks to the natural flow and order of life. They sit in the way, their stubborn immovability not allowing anything to even trickle past them and because we all hold so many pictures in all areas of life then it’s easy to understand just how destructive pictures really are.
Yes and then you find yourself in a situation that on the surface ‘looks’ the same for everyone, yet everyone is personally holding a different picture of the situation, how they got there and how they are supposed to move on, through or out of it!!! Complicated or what?!
Agreed Lucy, super complicated. All of us holding our pictures of family, work, friendships, romantic relationships, education, the environment, punishment, government, peace, etc out in front of us and supposedly walking towards our pictures. The only way for us to collectively move forwards is to make a big bonfire of all of our millions and trillions of pictures and to move forwards from the shared understanding of who we all are. In doing this we don’t move TOWARDS something, we move FROM something, the towards is as a result of what we know is behind us, not what we hold in our imagination in front of us.
Adele another priceless article. In sharing your understanding, you, as always, support others to deepen their understanding. A beautiful example of how life is meant to work. Everybody supporting each other to evolve.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” I had the same experience recently Adele having expectations of how things would be and then when they weren’t being disappointed. From that I have realised that remaining true to myself and honouring and respecting the other persons choices, without trying to fit a picture I have created of how I think it will/should be, is a far more harmonious way and enjoyable experience.
Imagine if we literally walked about in life with massive canvasses depicting what we think is right. Imagine how difficult everyday life would be, just buying groceries or going to the cafe – all the time juggling these pictures in your hand to make sure the frame didn’t hit anyone. What I read in what you say Adele is living with pictures in our head is just as uncomfortable and difficult as this ‘real world’ situation would be. And wow if we have a few pictures about things in our life how full our hands would be. No wonder it’s a big relief to let them go.
When you describe it like this Joseph you can see why we are all exhausted!
When you put it like this Joseph it’s such an unnecessary and imposing load we place on our relationships and every step we take. How exhausting!
Great thoughtful post Adele, the spaciousness of not having any picture, expectation or ideal way to be with one’s family, or anyone, feels solid and understanding. It’s when we have those pictures/ideals/expectations, that a force comes through and the other person being/feeling imposed upon, ends up giving their choice(s) away, leading to resentment later on, or a running away. Allow someone the respectful space, and they don’t leave, and enjoy truly.
I have experienced this too Adele, requesting or asking others to come and do something with me because I think it will be good for us, which is coming from an image of what I want to achieve in a relationship but this doesn’t allow to truly see why the relationship is the way it is, we are all personally holding onto pictures and have patterns which we live by, and being asked to change that is something we don’t like!