The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world.
Recently I went on a trip with my son. The picture I carried was we would enjoy common time together, while the picture that he carried was he would enjoy his time and do whatever he felt like doing. He is twelve and at the age that he feels compelled to make his own choices.
The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.
So every morning I would follow my usual routine of waking up early and going for a walk, while my son would follow his usual routine of waking up late and skipping breakfast. Because of this we never had the chance to go to breakfast together, and my picture of having common time together during breakfast was smashed. If my son wanted to sleep more, but was then asked if he wanted to go to breakfast, his picture of doing what he wanted to do and making his own choices would be smashed and both of us would feel tension within us.
One morning we went to town together. We made plans the day before and my son agreed, possibly because he felt that was what I would have liked. Even though he agreed, he did not really want to do it, and did not sleep earlier the night before, so he woke up tired. When we were in town he was moody and wanted to go home. I asked if he was tired and he said yes, so we went directly back to the hotel.
I did not find the experience of going out with him fun either, because he was not really there with me. All he wanted to do was to go back to the hotel and find ways which he felt would not further exhaust him, and that I can understand.
With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was. Even though we are mother and son and we do live in the same house, we have very different lifestyles and we are both stubborn in our choices.
It was then I realised that it was not reasonable for me to suddenly expect my son’s built up pattern of sleeping late to be easily changed just because we were on a trip together, simply because of my expectation that it would be awesome to do some activities together. If we had not built up this foundation together in Hong Kong, how would this be possible all of a sudden just because we were in a different time zone, especially if my son wanted to exercise his ability to choose for himself?
And so with that I simply went about my activities and I began meeting old and new friends, who were delighted to do things together with me. We met and chatted and I even got invited to a wedding ad hoc! Meanwhile my son enjoyed his time alone, doing what he wanted. Every evening I would invite my son to join me, or sometimes some of my friends, for dinner. Most of the times he would willingly say yes.
The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.
I had to let go of the picture of how being a mother should be on a trip, which was to arrange activities for the both of us to enjoy. Sometimes this was at the expense of both of us, because in truth, neither of us really wanted to do them, but I was carrying the picture that it would look ‘good’ and we would have ticked the box of doing something together on a trip. I also had to let go of the picture that, because we were on vacation, our rhythms would suddenly unite.
None of these expectations are true. And if they were enforced and accepted by us, then the relationship between my son and I would be reinforced by a picture that may have been ‘good’, but not true, because hanging onto any picture does not bring us to full truth.
I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.
So we enjoyed the rest of our trip and continued to enjoy a deeper relationship with each other, even though our daily choices are completely opposite in life.
What I have observed is also a very precious opportunity, and no doubt an ongoing one, for me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means. I am deeply enjoying the deepening of relationship with myself as it is impacting on all the other relationships I have in my life, such as how I am now able to hold my son in much more understanding of the choices he makes.
Published with the permission of my son.
By Adele Leung, a woman, image consultant, writer, photographer, model and then some, Hong Kong
Further Reading:
How We Start Relationships
To Be Truly Heard and To Be Truly Met For Who We Are
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
It is sometimes difficult to get a balance when our children are growing up. How much freedom to make choices for themselves do we allow while considering their safety and enjoyment plus giving them some responsibility ?
We have all sorts of inaccurate images of what family is. True family to me is being with people in a way where we see them for who they are and allow them to express that in full. That can occur with anyone that we meet therefore we are a global family.
Yes that is so true and such a confirmation of what you both chose. You have to be the one to stop imposing a picture first though, as the person in the relationship with ‘supposedly’ the most power. That imbalance comes with a lot of responsibility and as you took ownership for what your needs were it left space for magic.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was.” We presume that once a lesson is learnt the momentum behind the original decision will be gone, but it takes time and space to halt the pull to a particular pattern of behaviour. Part of that is understanding why the choices are part of our environment and what we have created around is in order to be in that momentum.
What a learning for us all – to honour what we feel, and build a relationship based on honesty and not being nice.
Beauiful Adele – impact-full, simply showing us another way of being with oneself and how that is actually changing all relationships and the space we offer to people. By this we grow – and allow all others to grow at their pace.
The way you describe these pictures is so tangible Adele, like a big physical canvass we carry around everywhere we go. We think we are richer the more we acquire but the weight of the gold plated frames just bogs us down and gets in the way. Imagine how free we would feel just to set them aside and move on somehow. Your words remind me of the beautiful simplicity of living expectation free and not needing anything to be a certain way.
When pictures control our lives it set us up with expectations for a certain outcome and when this is not met it leads to disappointment and upset, feeling others have let us down. It also puts us into the realm of right and wrong with blame and judgment. Not a pretty picture.
Pictures in a relationship result in missed timing, and outcomes which disappoint, so learning to be in relationships without coming from pictures or beliefs is the first step to building true harmony and love with another.
I know if I have a picture, or expectation of how someone will be or what will happen, and then my picture isn’t met (which they never are), then I go instantly into reaction. The picture almost guarantees that as an outcome.
Not being attached to a picture of how we want things to be or think they should look like opens us up to being more free to express and truly understand the bigger picture if you will of any situation…
I am uncovering how I have many pictures about how I should be, and how restricting this has been throughout my life. I’m giving myself permission to let them go.
Having an image of how things should be is so debilitating and totally draining.
‘If we had not built up this foundation together in Hong Kong, how would this be possible all of a sudden just because we were in a different time zone’ Sometimes our pictures are merely wishful thinking and bear no resemblance to the truth at all. We can have a ‘relationship’ with someone and barely meet them, as in truly connect with them at all and far too often when we do start making deep connections we run for cover. Building relationships is a bit like building houses . A strong foundation is vital and due care and attention is needed step by step to make sure nothing is left unaddressed, as we progress in a steady manner we surprise ourselves at the depth and richness and the holding capacity and the fast growth of the site.
When we really start to analyse, our life/ minds have been flooded with pictures, and it is often we are carrying a picture about how we want something to be and this causes our dilemma when life doesn’t meet what the picture is. Without pictures there is simplicity and openness to have a relationship with what is happening and responding – rather than reacting when the pictures are shattered.
It can be scary and liberating when we stop our attempts to control and allow others the room and space to be responsible for their own choices.
Such an obvious thing to say, but are we in relationship with what is actually going on in front of us, or do we think we are but actually trying to have a relationship with something completely different… built on the picture of what was going on (and not feeling the moment) or worse still how we would like it to be. Super important to keep being real.
This is super great Simon, thank for sharing.
There is much to be said in observing and allowing others to come to their own understanding and changing patterns rather fitting our own pictures of how they should behave.
I know I have to resist the temptation to provide solutions to people, even when they have asked for my advice. That again is based on how I think things should go, and not allowing them to come to a decision themselves.
Freeing ourselves of the pictures around relationships, means opening up our hearts to people and letting them in without conditions. No strings attached, no pictures to be locked in, just come as you are because who you are in your essence is adorable. And that becomes the baseline for the relationship – to deepen the connection with the essence, for the people in the relationship to evolve to who they truly are. That’s what’s on offer when we let go of the pictures.
Absolutely… so beautifully expressed Elizabeth and Adele. It is all that is needed, for us all to return to each other.
I am about to go on holiday with my family, husband and children, what is different about home and away, in truth nothing, but will I place pictures and ideas on what our relationships should be like when we are away….something to look out for and not go with preconceived notions of what makes a good trip together or a good relationship.
Until Universal Medicine the concept of living by pictures was completely foreign to me and yet I have spent almost my whole life living by them. It’s when I have a mental picture of what should or will happen based on past experiences, and when life doesn’t go the way the picture says was so 100% sure that the picture is/was the truth we react. The detriment to our health and I reckon the cause of many conditions can be rooted in the pictures we hold. I know the health of my relationships is so vitally connected to being honest with the pictures I carry, otherwise it leads to assumptions and miscommunications.
Living life allowing another (and ourselves) to be who they truly are is indeed a beautiful thing; that is living without imposing ideals, beliefs, expectations or pictures.
Pictures disrupt and distract from the real potential in relationships.
There are so much pictures around being a mother and how to relate to a child. When we are becoming aware of them then we can let go of these pictures, ideals and beliefs that are underneath and the truth can be felt in our body so we can make other choices like ‘being a woman with parenting duties’.
I’ve found that the more I sit and surrender to the pictures and ideals the flood into my brain I am able to then, learn what is true and not true and let the moment take its own natural course.
Having pictures of how life ought to be is a great way to destroy what actually is. This is detrimental for all relationships.
Our children can feel the moment we want or desire something from them – our picture – and this can send them in the opposite direction of where they possibly may be heading anyway….
Pictures disguise what is really going on.
Pictures are indeed so limiting of seeing what true love is. True love might be not doing the same things at times even though being together somewhere and that does not mean you are not deeply connected and caring of each other.
What a true joy it would be to live life without pictures, ideals, beliefs and expectations. I loved the way you worked with your son to come to an understanding and a way of being with one another; in love and truth.
Letting go of the pictures, ideals and beliefs about how things should be opens a whole new world of understanding, making way for true connections.
Holding another with deep understanding allows no room for judgement, expectations or pictures.
The willingness to express from our bodies and not our heads allows us to dispel that which is not of truth for it is only when we hold onto those pictures of how life needs to be that we halt our evolution and divert away from the true love and understanding we could otherwise be for all.
Pictures, images, preconceived ideas of how something or someone should be or behave – they don’t work and invariably lead to resentment on one side and disappointment on the other. It is very liberating when we free ourselves from these limitations and enjoy each other for who we are, in openness and with love and understanding.
The pictures we hold take away the joy of living in the moment and get in the way of us experiencing true relationship with another.
Pictures trip us up all the time, and not only on trips! If you think about it, most of our lives are constructed around our pictures and expectations of how we think things ‘should be’, not to mention the ideals and beliefs that underpin these. No wonder we think people and life let us down.
If I have friends over for dinner and I make it about getting together to connect rather than having a picture of what it should look like the evening usually flows. When I try to force things to make the evening a certain way it usually is not a harmonious event.
If we stopped making life about ourselves we wouldn’t have pictures – because we’d be too busy deeply caring about people and doing what needs to be done.
I am in the most incredible relationship without pictures – we got to know each other really really well before we met each other – so ‘pictures’ couldn’t have a hold over us when we met. It was and is amazing.
This is such a big area that bombards our every waking move. So often I will feel as though I have clarity on a situation and then the pictures come through faster than before. Thank you for sharing that imposition and judging that comes with creating and living with a barrage of pictures that in the long run harm us all if we are not willing to bring more clarity and truth to our day.
I have found it fascinating quite how many pictures I have created around relationships and how I want them to be rather than allowing them to unfold and simply be. The problem is for me the pictures have destroyed the magic that is there and usually ends with me getting frustrated that they do not look like how I want them to be even though they may be perfect as they are.
Letting go of pictures, creates space for true connection with others free of filters, prejudice and preconceptions and without expectation of a desired outcome or behaviour. This is freeing for ourselves and all others.
The pictures about family and notion of spending time together is an insidious lie that we’ve subscribed to. Nominating the pictures (of course when we become aware of them) would be super healing! Reading this blog highlighted the pictures in relationship and family. Thank you for sharing!
The heading for this blog says it all; a simple yet powerful message for us all to not have pictures, ideals or beliefs in our relationship with ourselves and our relationships with others.
I get a very strong inspiration to allow and not impose on others how I think things should be, particularly with our children, yes there are responsibilities to fulfil within family units that live and work together, but there is freedom required for others to make choices, this is how we learn.
Living without pictures and expectations is the most respectful, accepting and loving way to be in relationship.
‘I had to let go of the picture of how being a mother should be’ This has been a huge learning for me… and still is – but so gorgeous to untangle myself from the ideals and images of mothering and family that are so imprisoning.
The many pictures we carry are a way of keeping us separate when we are all craving connection from within.
Having expectations is like carrying bricks on one’s shoulders, it’s debilitating and in the long run can have a severe effect on the human body, it also compromises our nature as we buy into how we need to be in this world in order to fit pin instead of claiming our full expression and deliver it to the all.
I realise after reading your blog again how often I allow images and expectations rule my relationships. I have been aware of some obvious ones but the subtle ones are equally damaging. When I stop to examine the details there are a lot of images I allow to get in the way of developing loving relationships on a day to day basis. Great to pay more attention to this and work on letting go of images and expectations that blocks a deeper connection with myself and others.
Pictures are a false alternative to the living truth we will otherwise know when we are connected to Love and in the flow of life as it unfolds.
I have enjoyed reading what you are shared here Deborah how pictures are false hopes and what is bombarded on social media and in every moment of our day. So, if the pictures are false where are we searching for the truth? I found the truth in the words of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. No pictures or ideals just a real man walking the truth in every moment.
Pictures and ideals create a false filter through which we see life and promote attachment, control and outcome- driven living.
So true Deborah, the force behind living in constant drive makes it seem impossible to stop. Bringing awareness to the fact that this false way of living is not true or supportive is a great start in breaking away this harmful momentum to allow space for more loving choices.
I am finding that one of the big keys to having loving relationships is to bring understanding. When we bring understanding we are choosing to see the other persons’ essence rather than their behaviour and this stops us from reacting to another. Reacting to another takes a lot of energy and is detrimental to our health.
Yes living without pictures is an ongoing process. We are just bombarded with pictures all the time, also that are embedded in us from a very early age. Something I continue to look at is to see if the ideals and beliefs that usually surround the pictures we hold, are full or love, understanding and appreciation. If they are not, or have any ounce of reaction involved, it usually will mean there is picture we are holding.
It is interesting to observe that the pictures we hold are generally all about serving self-gratification, what will make us feel good, and delivering a sense of satisfaction. As such we are so focused on attempting to making our lives fit into the pictures, we forgo seeing what is really at play in our lives, and how we can bring and respond with all that we already are within to the moment at hand. I agree Adele that ‘that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’- beautifully said. This highlights how surrendering to being in a loving relationship with our selves first we are able to meet another in love, and without expectations of another delivering fulfillment that are driven by pictures.
How important it is to live with a fresh canvas, without imposition of prior experiences, projected occurrences or interpretations and how immeasurably important it is to approach life with understanding, to observe and to allow each of us to be where we are in any given moment.
Yes, it is so mad the amount of energy we use managing our expectations and projected scripts in life… there is no allowing of each moment to unfold.
Carrying pictures of what will look good is an age old trap, I recognised it with myself many years ago especially on Christmas day. There would be the build up of getting everything ready and it would look a certain way, but when the day came I was too exhausted to enjoy it, and it never went the way I had imagined. but then the next one would role around and I would do the same thing.
When we really look at our lives and see the extent of these pictures we build up and then find they do not play out like we want them to, and then go into reaction, and act like we are hard done by, it highlights how vital clear communication is within relationships.
I have had pictures on how things should look in every area of life and everything I have done is based around those. Especially in relationships. What something should look like becomes more important that the relationship itself and being as one in relationship. Its super important to really see the effect that living from these pictures has.
It is so true Jennifer. In letting go of pictures I have discovered how freeing it feels to actually live in connection to a realness that comes from just being ourselves, and the joy of evolution that is experienced.
True – less imposing and deeply loving to live and let live.
Pictures can never be the real deal for they are flat and without life and the livingness has long past or yet to arrive at that juncture if at all. We are setting ourselves up for smashed hopes and dreams when we invest in pictures rather than allowing life to unfold and responding whole-heartedly to what is before us.
We have the idea that if a picture is fulfilled, we will be fulfilled in some way; and yet, pictures are always a lesser version of what is actually possible and will never leave us feeling deeply content – even if they do play out the way we wish or hope.
The title to this blog itself shows how we are governed by an endless line up of pictures to suit our every move and how this impacts the quality that we live in. Thanks to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine we are offered the tools to bring light to what is being feed “just pictures’ and not the true YOU!
…and imposing on ourselves how we think we should be – free of these impositions we are open to the amazing potential of every interaction and relationship.
I was talking with a friend yesterday about pictures and how they incarcerate us and harm our relationships with others – it was really amazing to share this insight (a knowing we all have) so openly.
Pictures can ruin anything… it is the perfect way to set ourselves up to be disappointed, saddened, hurt, angry, frustrated or just plain discontent. Accepting life and people for who and what they are, letting them in, and seeing life as it presents as an opportunity to grow, develop, express and learn is key.
The teachings of Serge Benhayon on ideals and beliefs has truly been a life changing experience for me The quality and depth of understanding in relationships far exceeds where I thought I would be many years ago. To understand how these can harm and hurt ourselves and others is truly criminal and goes against what we innately know is our ability to live and work in harmony with one another.
Pictures … expectations… ideals… beliefs… so many things just waiting to, if we allow them, to run our lives. Letting go of these pictures we can start to live from the impulse of the moment, where true living ‘lives’.
Yes having pictures we hold in relationships, no matter who that relationship is with, can be a recipe for disaster. We create expectations that we then measure people against, we don’t hold them in love and therefore there is always a lack of understanding and appreciation that creeps in. Learning to let go of pictures is an ongoing process for us all.
This article and working with The Ageless Wisdom Teachings continues to inspire me to explore honestly what lies in my relationships with others (the pictures, expectations, conditions…), and the more aware I am prepared to be, the less governed and controlled I am by them. I reckon this is an always unfolding and the richness that I sense is possible in all our relationships is amazing.
We can have such high expectations of ourselves too, because of these pictures and then when our pictures are not fulfilled we feel we have let ourselves down in some way. I can see how learning to see through these pictures is so important so we can let go of the expectations we hold of others, but also ourselves.
What would living without these pictures be like? I feel like I would be present in the day, without preconception of what would happen next. It seems like I would naturally be a lot less in my mind, less calculating and considered and concerned with being ‘right’. I sense that there would be a beautiful innocence, a curiosity in me, wondering what life will offer up now. It feels like in this state of wonder, it would be so much easier to be prejudice and judgement free – to be the real me. But most of all it feels like I would have no ‘control’. And reading your words today Adele I realise just how lost these pictures make us – because we think we are safe and sound but actually we are steered around and around in the same old circles. This is not a pretty picture at all!
We are plagued by so many pictures in our lives and at times we may not even be fully aware we even have images for certain situations or relationships. I have found letting go of these pictures to be a constant process and one that not only leaves greater opportunities to deepen our relationship with self, but also allow us to observe life and all of our relationships equally so.
Sometimes the pictures are so strong and words are also tangled up in them that the only way forward is show it in how I am living and my own commitment to change.
The pictures are oh so insidious too, things you think aren’t even pictures, are, however we have just gotten used to them because we have held them for so long and we are shown by society that that is the “way forward”.
Letting go of the pictures we hold is sometimes super hard. They are ingrained in us so much that at times we don’t actually want to let them go. What you have nominated here though is so beautiful, and without perfection. It was just in being aware of what you were holding, both of you about what your holiday could be or should be, it is in these expectations that we loose it and allow reactions to present, instead of allowing, understanding and love to be the foundation.
I know that one all too well, not wanting to let go of a picture. But what the Esoteric Healing modalities have supported me in is to feel the tension and ill that is caused by holding on. It’s like I get reminded of how tight my fist is and reminded that I can move differently. It’s like we get stuck in a rigid set of patterns, as Adele shared trying to arrange time with her son. That when we move differently it breaks up this hold.
Every day, I am made to be aware of a picture I hold, an expectation, a desire that I want to be filled, and it’s such a liberating moment when I recognise them so that I am ready to let them go – no matter how ‘good’ and ‘right’ they may appear to be.
When I stop, pause and consider all those mental pictures I create around life; all those expectations and burdens I have carried it’s a wonder that I can see anything clearly that is right in front of my nose. Our mental constructs stop us from reading life, as it is, right in front of us.
Recently I’ve been feeling a level of grief for my life not looking as I had promised myself way back when I was little. It’s been awesome to feel how I’ve held onto them for so long; I’ve carried the hopes and dreams attached to them, as well as the hurts they were conceived to avoid. So choosing to be open to what is on offer has allowed me to let go of them. They were fashioned from watching 1980s North American children/teenage TV and surfing videos! Like how limiting is that?!
The double loaded hold back in creating pictures is the investment we have in each one of these. How others should be and our input is what often distorts the ability for any relationship to get real and allow for growth and change. This blog is a simple and common example of the various ways we play this game throughout our day with the people we see regularly, when making new friends and those we pass each day in our daily commutes. The pictures are no doubt a way of keeping us separate when we are all craving connection from within.
Pictures are so damaging they stop and true form of connection with ourselves and all others. The thing is we love them as it keeps us in individualism.
The more we allow people to just be themselves the easier it is to be around them and enjoy them. Things go wrong when we want people to be just like us.
Especially when we are out of routine, we may have pictures how a weekend break or well deserved holiday may be. The truth is that we are never not reflecting so letting go of the pictures is very liberating to allow anything to be how it will be without needing to know how this will look.
A relationship without pictures offers us true evolution in every way possible as there are no impositions only our connection to the divine.
A very clear view on how pictures work or actually disturb the truth and or lived way that is being lived. This is a very great example of how pictures clash and so how only the love and understanding for yourself and another person is deeply enriching and over the other to be more, not our head full game or any pictures at all. A beautiful learning for us all.
I’ve loved rereading this because I can see how I set up tension and strife in all my relationships – so that’s me not living up to how I think I should be, me not living up to how I should be at work, how work should be to me, how my life and God should be to me (yikes!) Im missing the gold 💛 that is before me as I blindly look past, beholdent to images. Could it be that all the while I have the most amazing life and I’m missing it?!
My own pictures of what I think I should be doing get in the way of me fully enjoying life. How much work I should do at the weekend is a picture I have recently been looking at. As I work on this one there are other pictures I have that are coming up for me to unpick and deconstruct.
I was recently talking to a member of my family who has a teenage son, and she finds it difficult that he does not want to go out and hang around with other boys, he prefers to be at home and they feel he is a bit of a loner. They have built a picture around what he should be and what he should be doing based on their own ideals and beliefs. But he is not them and it is unfair to put expectations onto our children to be a certain way because we hold the picture of what that looks like. And we laughed because how funny it is that they are behaving in just the same way that their parents behaved towards them. We are seemingly ruled by the pictures we build up based around the ideals and beliefs we have about how life should be. I feel that it is these pictures that we have that keep us stuck in the rut of life we currently live in.
It’s not surprising the popularity of images on the internet, facebook and the like we see today. It is not just because we are fascinated by the visual side of life, but because, as you show Adele, we use them as safety blankets, things we can hold on to, that seem to reduce the fear, trepidation, and the nervous tension we feel. But here you illustrate how the reality is it is the other way around and that it is actually the expectations we have about life that run us into the ground.
Living according to the pictures we hold condemns us to a life controlled by someone or something else. We are the essence of love and love has no boundaries. By holding a picture of how things are to be and usually this is about what love looks like or how we are loved, can mean we miss out. This shows that the choices are ours and what can unfold from open and honest sharing is what loving is all about.
I love this sharing Adele, it is such a practical, real example of how we are given visions of how we think life will be, but they absolutely stand and get in our way. Like a ‘psychic’ reading we get a huge comfort from what we think the future will bring, but in buying into that we box, reduce and minimise all that the universe brings. Sure we might feel ‘better’ at first but wow – with these pictures we are the ones being constrained by a frame.
That sense of tension when pictures of how we anticipate something to be is smashed is not something we speak about very often and yet it is the cause of so much hurt. If we can spot the pictures, we can also offer an opportunity to take responsibility for our own part in the picture and I have seen great change come from these opportunities.
Thank you for sharing Adele – letting go of control is a big one and what a breath of air it was for you to do this and not worry about other people. It shows we’ve built this fake ideal of things needing to be a certain way just so we get let down and then build a hurt and tension in our bodies.
To openly express how we feel without needing to be understood or be right, supports us to expose and let go of the pictures and conditions that drains and damage our relationships.
This blog holds such a great piece of advice because there are different relationships where we clearly hold different pictures from mother and son, to partners or friends and a trip with any one of these might bring up a picture for each of what that trip would be like. Its great to consider letting go of those pictures and letting each meeting be what it is and not what a picture informs you it will be – that can definitely lead to disappointment or disagreement when pictures don’t match. Thanks Adele.
If we were able to honestly share our pictures or scenarios that we are wanting to play out with another, with them at the time, perhaps we could then pinpoint what we are really needing and stop any further investment into whatever that need is and then get to feel, we don’t actually want that thing anyway and that it was not the real us that wanted it.
It is great to talk about the pictures we hold and smash these as they serve no purpose and we have so so many pictures be it with how we should ‘look’, relationships, marriages, work, friends, lifestyle, holidays etc etc. As you so rightly say ‘if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’ Pictures actually cap us from being who we truly are and allow our life to unfold in a way that is true to us.
“The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world.” Thank you for this introductory line, it holds so much. If we allow pictures to rule our lives there will be even more pictures of possible stories ceaselessly joining the pictures we have already, creating whole story books that have nothing to do with what is truly happening. From my own experience I can say that communicating, respectfully and clearly as you say Adele, is a key to deleting many of these pictures we hold.
The more pictures and images we collect the further away we are from truly understanding what is going on and further away from truly connecting to each other.
To be in any relationship without pictures is paramount for our evolution.
To understand that the mental pictures fix us, hold us, and restrict the flow of how relationships can develop is pretty cool Adele, because with the understanding can come the release of that pattern. And then without the pictures, we can be completely open to the future of how the relationship will be.
First and foremost its important to be in a relationship without pictures, expectations, demands or pressures on ourselves. There is no fun, joy or evolution in this.
Our expectations of what life is supposed to be are lovingly brought crumbling down by the simple act of understanding one another.
Relationships crumble and break down when we place pictures and expectations on them. Pictures and images of how a relationship should be suffocates it and stunts the growth and expansion of what relationships are truly about.
Our pictures hold us back from the ever awaiting expansion before us.
Pictures of how things should be can ruin everything. They can govern our whole life and we don’t even know. Without acknowledging this we are not free to make choices that are actually true.
Beautifully expressed Rebecca and absolutely true. First being aware that we have chosen to hold on to these pictures in our relationships is key and then we have a choice to continue to hold onto them or let them go.
Today with the internet and TV and films we have access to more images than ever before. And we can see how these visions of how life should be are actually really unhealthy for our being in a serious way. The expectations they bring blinker us to the true beauty, flow and reflections that are always present for us in every moment of life. Thank you Adele for this beautiful blog.
I am currently being given the opportunity to learn all about the effects of holding images of life and that we can become lost in this and expectations placed in the anticipation of an outcome we believe is ‘correct’ or ‘right’ rather than allowing what is there to unfold from a free expression of what is true in each moment.
A very valuable lessen to learn, to live in the moment and not what a preconceived picture of that moment should be. In the past I had so many New Years Eves that were really dumb because I was expecting them to be something fantastic and that was the picture or image I had of how they should turn out. However in reality when I wasn’t expecting much or didn’t have an image they turned out great.
Adele I love your awareness around how we can expect the momentums we have built to be gone in a moment and yet the pictures which these momentums are built on are so entrenched. Without a picture of how life situations and relationships should be we can be a little lost in the beginning.
I love the concept of us being limitless in any moment rather than limited and controlled by the presence of pictures that serve no purpose other to deny us appreciating and accepting the truth that any moment could otherwise offer us.
When I have a picture around something, there is definitely an agenda and control at play and this is a dead giveaway for me when things don’t go according to that picture. Great to expose these limiting pictures that are held and choose a truer way of moving through something.
Holidays have always been an area of tension for me in the past, because my pictures where so structured, it would be a certain way with a certain outcome. When we are aware of those pictures, we can deal with life much more ease…and less expectations and so less disappointment.
Wow and yes I get the virus analogy and it can be a virulent spread. To arrest this dependence on pictures and expectations is literally to free everyone from an insidious imposition.
I am definitely finding that the more I free myself and therefore my relationships from pictures and expectations of how things ‘should’ be, the freer everyone is to grow and learn.
Pictures are smashing many relationships, taking them on causes a expectation that is based on nothing more than an ideal, it is our responsibility to step out of this and get ourselves to develop our relationships from the truth, that is presented to us in being present any moment of time.
It is interesting how insidious the energy is with pictures, they can slip back into my head without me noticing until I suddenly realise they are back. A group of us have been having discussion too about pictures in our walls, what energy do they hold and what do they represent? Discerning this is all a part of our clarity and learning.
When you say relationships Adele you are essentially meaning ALL relationships that being with ourselves and with others but equally with life. How many of us hold pictures about ourselves, about time, about all our chores, and even our goals in life? The importance of understanding is massive when you consider life like this.
What I am noticing more and more in relationships is how communication is key if we don’t talk to each other yet hold these expectations, beliefs, ideals, grudges or simply not expressing how we feel then our relationships and love can never evolve but will just stay stagnant. Also we can fall into a trap of because we have known the other person for a long time we just won’t bother (it is easier to carry on how we are) .. this is never healthy!
As I read your blog again Adele I realized how the entire human race holds itself to random as a result of holding onto the pictures of how things have to be and so much more. We make our own prisons.. and move in them day to day and interrelate with each other day to day from our own fortresses. Freeing ourselves of the pictures that incarcerate us frees our entire being – life has an exquisite flow and people gravitate towards us feeling the warmth and joy that we are in.
How often are pictures presented to us throughout the day of how we should be, respond and feel? There are so many ways in which they filter into our expression and often it is when the actions have already occurred that we stop and realise that there is little or no truth in what they bring. Thank you for sharing that the images that can rule our lives are far from supporting us to understand that there is a simplicity in how we live that does not play game with the judgement call on others or allows the pictures to rule our lives. It is when we make our relationships about equalness and allow every moment to develop on its own that we can then step back and see little is needed to be said, yet there is a whole lot more to feel.
Holding onto pictures affects the movements in our bodies limiting the volume that can come through us making us needy and seeking recognition from others as we cannot see the divinity within ourselves.
I know for me I spend a lot of time reacting to life because it doesn’t meet the picture, instead of flowing with what is in front of me and meeting it with all that I am. I imagine (pun intended) that even having pictures means that we are not truly present with ourselves and in the essence of love within. After all why would we need to expect anything or preempt a sense of control over the future if we are living from the love we are in essence?
I smiled when I read the part about organising things to do together based on the ‘picture’ of how you thought it should look. I have done the same many times and if I am honest it never really worked as both my sons and I could probably feel it was not what we wanted to do but had all gone into pleasing mode with each other. Thankfully that does not happen now and it feels so much lighter to simply express truthfully, valuing the honesty between us more than being held in an old pattern and living by a picture.
This is a life changer, if we drop the pictures of how life or we should be, we are left with the possibility of living who we truly are and observing and accepting life in its current state. However, the current state of the world is the one we created according to the pictures we held which we thought would deliver us something as an individual.
Gosh how many pictures we (I!) carry! This is eye-opening. But I specially love this line: ” to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” Ha! What reflection that is. That I am a woman first and than see my duties of partnership, mothership, and so on. This corrects the ill ideas and pictures of how to be would be right and worth to strive for. Far out. I am a woman first. Full stop. Now feel this. I am a woman first. This changes – not just my – world. This is taking responsibility for who we are and what we are made for to offer to the world: Femaleness.
‘What I have observed is also a very precious opportunity, and no doubt an ongoing one, for me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.’ – Adele, this is huge and a discussion well worth. The role of being a mother in todays society comes laced with endless images, ideals and beliefs. We sorely need true reflections of parenthood.
That first line says it all for me really, repeatedly, without fail, every time I voice my pictures and ‘out them’ , explaining how they play out in my mind it’s like I get to feel the quality of these pictures. They sound so attractive in my mind but when they come out they never match reality nor allow for any growth or challenge to life, they never expose or allude to the fact that there is more to life and to ourselves. And when outted they clear up the air in my relationships as while tucked away there creates a gap for assumptions and judgements, of myself and others.
Thank you Adele this is so supportive and a very revealing sharing of the pictures we live with and are constantly feeding us creating a need and feeling of this and not allowing for true understanding of others and their pictures also, hence the conflicts of the world ! what a beautiful way to be if we let go of these pictures and allow our selves to truly express and really feel what is going on and for others being without the images only love and the honouring of us all.
Cookbooks and the amazing photos of what it should look like – are we applying the same relationship we have with food to the relationships we have with others?
‘…we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment. ‘ How true this is. I have images of how I expect to be treated, what friendships look like, how I should behave/feel according to age, experiences and so on. I have seen people argue and fight for their image to dominate and dictate the situation. I’ve fought vehemently in this way myself, set myself up for hurts when people haven’t lived up to my image of what I expect and regret when I’ve not managed to fulfill an image of where I should be at.
If I buy into images I lose understanding and the connection I can have with myself, others and the gold in each moment.
Letting go of pictures or expectations of others was certainly highlighted for me too when I went overseas with my husband to visit his Greek relatives and my Italian relatives- of which both of us had not previously met before. When I had an expectation and had not expressed clearly what I wanted to do for the day, tension arose. However, when I openly expressed what our plans were or just went with the flow and appreciated what the relationships were bringing I really enjoyed the time spent with the relatives.
Connecting to them first and then expressing made all the difference in my interactions with them.
Totally letting go of images that we are holding onto means we have to feel why we were holding onto them what emptiness did they fill up and what do they stop us from truly connecting to.
Until we realise that we are being fed mental pictures we do not see that we can choose to hold onto them or not. We tend to believe that this is the way it has to be and find it hard to understand why others have a different idea. So it is a big step to not only see that we have a picture but to realise that conflict arises ‘when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture’. Once we allow this space for another to be as they are, we not only free them but we free ourselves of having to live up to the expectations and demands that we placed upon ourselves. Then we can be in the ‘unlimitedness of the moment’ as you so beautifully express, Adele.
We actually reduce the possibilities in life when we want life to fit our pictures and ideals. It is a poor game of reductionism we play which in fact reduces life from all the spectrum of colours to a narrow monochrome.
If we are holding a picture of how things should be we are more likely to override what we feel to be true in the moment.
Yes this is true. The pictures render us blind to what actually stands before us in any moment.
I find my mind often returns to find pictures to return to but I know this can cause problems when the expectations aren’t fulfilled. Our awareness of this can be highlighted by examples you have described here Adele, and the more aware we are, the more able we are to let it go and simply be.
I’m exploring pictures I may be holding of how my relationships should be, and how that actually stifles the intimacy and connection to another because it creates reactions to others borne out of a desire for someone to fit in with my picture. It is amazing to stop and clock this and how not expecting another to be perfect brings so much more love to each interaction.
When we focus in on one particular person and all the things they do that don’t meet our needs and expectations, our attention to everything else falls away, which is crazy when you think about the number of people who we affect by getting frustrated, annoyed, agitated or emotional! Is a member of our family or someone we’re ‘invested’ in being a certain way really more important than the rest of humanity?
Great comment Susie W, this really puts things into perspective.
I realized that I hold on to pictures to feel safe and also to control situations and relationships. To give myself into the flow of ‘what is needed will unfold’ can be scary – but just as long as I choose to not connect to who I truly am. By connecting to my divine nature, I am connected to God and my own divinity – this is combined with the knowing of what is going on and therefor it is standing. Evolution is on play and I have to play my part. The more obedience I can offer the empowered I am.
Great insight Sandra, that we ‘hold on to pictures to feel safe and also to control situations and relationships’ and that this happens only when ‘I choose to not connect to who I truly am. We don’t need this false security when we are ‘connected to God and [our] own divinity.’
The greatest gift in a relationship is the joy of evolving together. Pictures are always an imposition from the past, when we bring them into the relationship it’s a goodbye to evolution.
I have come to learn, often the hard way, that having expectations is not only a futile and frustrating exercise, but it also can limit the opportunities that may be possible if we simply allow what comes next to unfold.
This article is a point of great support and inspiration for me as I continue to navigate and learn as a parent.
We can get so caught up in pictures of what we expect another to do for us that we often do not even see or appreciate what they are doing.
We are constantly bombarded with what Life should look like. The perfect life when the reality is there is no such thing. Just learning to be ourselves is enough.
Letting go of the pictures allows me movement and the freedom of development. Just as in the still of a movie shot, we don’t want be trapped in time.
Ha ! Your analogy with a movie brought me to see that I often like to know how it will go on in a movie or book, so I can relax and sit back (like to control life). …but from sitting back I get no growing, no evolving, no joy of vitality. Sitting back is no stillness but stubbornness and disempowering. I make myself to a viewer where I am designed to be a player – with no chance to change my role here. If I sit back, I am still a player, just chained by my own.
Learning to be in a relationship can seem difficult with others when we have not brought all of ourselves to the situation, so when we aren’t fully with ourselves, emotions and reactions can come in simply because we don’t have our own love as a support.
Being able to let go of pictures in relationships is so important, but can be challenging as we are riddled with them. From dawn to dusk, we are presented with what and how relationships should look like, emotional love, romantic love, how we should live, what that should look like. This generally creates a lot of complication when we look outside of ourselves and align to these pictures, they create also expectations of ourselves and others.
Expressing our feelings is so important, even if they’re not true, expressing them allows that to be exposed and for us to develop a deeper understanding for ourselves.
And here lies some very very awesome life skills along with parenting skills….which really, is all one and the same.
We are so laden with pictures that we are often oblivious to the fact that they are there. Pictures of how relationships should be, of what we should look like, of how our kitchen should function, of what love means… The lists go on and on. The path of evolution requires the awareness of the pictures, so it can be seen that they are not real, but beliefs stubbornly held onto. With the releasing of just one picture, more awareness of living from a true sense of what is needed is possible.
Absolutely, Heather. With the release of one picture not only is ‘more awareness of living from a true sense of what is needed’ possible, but also the opportunity to honestly consider where else I am governed by pictures.
If we don’t have this understanding of how relationships work as you have shared here Adele there cannot be any true love and holding of each other in the first place. Understanding and experiencing the joy of seeing the other come more into their full and beautiful gorgeous selves is all part and parcel of the natural growth that is what a relationship is founded on.
When we understand that our pictures and expectations are an imposition on another and therefore not part of true relationship, we will understand that relationship is all to do with what we bring to it and not what another brings to us.
“…or me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” – being a woman with whatever duties we have in our lives, but not identifying ourselves by them is a shift from the way we often see ourselves as women.
Learning to not have expectations as well, as this just puts demands in people and tries to control them.
As soon as I have a picture I am seeing myself up for tension, failure and creation. I am shutting out God.
Your article has given me the opportunity to delve into my own pictures surrounding my elderly parents and my brother and sisters……as I am about to visit with my family the timing of your writing Adele has given me the space to ponder my movies/pictures before the upcoming visit. Thank you.
‘ I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.’ I have been expressing alot more recently, feeling what is true for me with others expressing as well. It is noticable the harmonious feel when expressed it is not remaining in my body, and how I had been seeing things may not actually be how they are.
I can imagine that comprising to another’s pictures is even more toxic than expecting others to meet our own. Either way we are running our lives to a mental picture rather than the truth of each moment.
It would appear that we expect life in general, including most of our relationships, to play out to our preconceived ideas/pictures, and we do this mostly without even thinking about it. A very thought provoking piece of writing, thanks Adele.
This article is supporting and inspiring me as I go off on a trip with my sons… no pictures! Thank you.
If we are allowing pictures and images to influence how we are in one relationship we will probably be doing so in others too.
There is a parallax with the outcome of the pictures in our heads and architectural drawings, both come from our minds and have expected outcomes. Modern building modelling plans now have the ability to let you do a virtual walk through and will render the finished work with high accuracy. Our mind also does a vivid walk through of what we would like to create. Is life a journey or a book in our head that never ends the way we expected?
I have been seeing how many pictures I still hold on to and how it is these pictures that create the problem, clutching onto a picture guarantees disappointment and frustration.
Understanding the way pictures control our lives and how by letting go of them we allow another space to make their own choices and grow from them is truly remarkable and essential in building true intimacy in our relationships, otherwise we end up imposing on others and resenting them for their behaviours with no space for true change.
Releasing ourselves from the pictures we hold is an amazing process of unfoldment … I can feel how my awareness naturally develops every time I allow myself to feel and see the mindset I am carrying.
We hold so many pictures of how we think things should be that we don’t even realise. Even having a close relationship with someone is based on a picture or an ideal of having a partner. Choosing to be single is also based on a picture. To be aware of these pictures and ideals and being honest about them is the first step to breaking them down.
I think the more true honesty and understanding that we have with ourself and awareness of what expectations or pictures we may be attached to, of how we think we would like things to look, the more understanding we can have of the choices we make and understanding of where others are coming from.
I agree. Honesty is key. And this has changed for me from not simply not telling lies to other people, but actually moving though veils of deception to the sweetness and simplicity of being honest with myself.
Awareness brings understanding. Knowing I’m reacting to a picture not truth, supports me to move on.
A very relatable article Adele and gentle reminder of the false and potentially harmful pattern of holding pictures in our heads about what is to be. When we do this we’ve moved into the future. Rather than being in the present and moving from what is true, we are in our heads creating pictures.
Even just the first line of this blog holds such magnitude: “The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world.” This is deeply inspiring because you really bring conflict down to a simple choice about the images we choose to hold about ourselves and about each other.
So often our relationships are based on our need for our pictures to be met and are not true relationships but arrangements.
This is a really interesting relationship expose- the pictures are constantly fed to us that make us feel we need things to be happening according to that framework that pre-exists, and persists unless we challenge it.
This is an incredibly supportive piece of writing for all our relationships and right now I am letting it inspire and guide me with my kids. Thank you, Adele.
Reading this I struck by how much I am fed pictures. Pictures of my day, of how I would be like at my age and then how different life is. These pictures can inform how I relate to others which is crazy because I’m relating to a picture and not a person, a set of expectations and not what’s there asking me for a response. I can grieve because my life isn’t conforming to the set of pictures I bought into many many years ago. So much extra stuff is created this way. And the simplicity of life is hidden.
Yes Karin, when we really take time to reflect on this, it is incredible how many pictures we create for ourselves about how we think our lives should be and what we want them to look like. We can totally set ourselves up in this way for disappointment and even grief as you say, whereas if we had no pictures there would be no expectation and therefore no room for anything other than an acceptance of what lies in front of us.
I agree, Mary, and also remember endless days as a child where there was no plans, just being in the moment and going with the flow.
I recently exposed another false picture I had been holding about how I should be in relationship with my daughters. It was much more subtle than the other obvious ones I had addressed, but there was unnecessary tension in my body when I was with them, so it felt great to let go of.
I’m starting to realise just how many pictures I hold, every now and again I just get shocked with “Oh my god, that’s a picture”. I’ve had so many moments like that in the past week or so, and it’s beautiful to realise that I can drop it just like that.
It is interesting and may be challenging sometimes living with people who may make different choices, but I am finding that as long as there is a respect and no abuse, we can live in harmony together. I get a regular reminder not to impose or judge others, and life does not fit a specific picture, but gives many opportunities for change and growth. I am finding open and honest communication without the pictures definitely supports relationships.
A picture paints a thousand words… and causes much tension when those words are not expressed. To me, that’s the antidote to having pictures and expectations of life and people, to communicate what the images are, even if it just to ourselves.
If we hold a picture about a situation we can miss the opportunity it is presenting.
Holding a picture of how you want another to be can be a form of control and smashed pictures are a source of conflict in many relationships. It is great Adele, how you came to see that two different pictures do not need to clash if we give the other space to have their picture. To do this though we need firstly to recognise the two different pictures and be willing to let go of our firm attachment to our own picture and the demand it would place on another. By allowing another to be they feel our love and respect and respond accordingly and it’s lovely to read how your relationship deepened through your understanding and awareness of what was going on.
‘ . . if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.’ Adele, I like this: ‘be in the unlimitedness of the moment’. This gives us space to respond to whatever is needed and expands us beyond what our mind reasonably expects, allowing divinity to be infused into whatever constellates for us. This opens us up to way more than what we might think we want with our pictures –they do indeed limit us.
The more we observe and recognise the pictures we hold, we are empowered to break free of their energetic impost and control over us, over our reactions, triggers, thoughts, beliefs, and also how we use pictures from resisting the greater awareness that is potentially on offer in each moment. Hence the more we are open seeing the pictures we run with, the more free we are to observe and truly see what is going on before us – and in this saying yes to the offering of ever deepening awareness.
“So every morning I would follow my usual routine of waking up early and going for a walk, while my son would follow his usual routine of waking up late and skipping breakfast. Because of this we never had the chance to go to breakfast together, and my picture of having common time together during breakfast was smashed. If my son wanted to sleep more, but was then asked if he wanted to go to breakfast, his picture of doing what he wanted to do and making his own choices would be smashed and both of us would feel tension within us.”
Your example Adele, is showing how many pictures, ideals and beliefs most of us are carrying.
There is the picture how it should be on the one handside, but perhaps too the picture of what would be health on the other handside and the third one a breakfat together shows the love we have for one another etc. There are so many layers of pictures which can be layered upon one situation. So it is a great step to free oneself and expose those ideals and beliefs. especially those ideals and beliefs seem to give us a form of stability and safety, so letting go of them is a step into a freedom but also vulnerability.
Pictures in relationships can be pretty damaging in the sense you can have an expectation for someone to live up to and hold them to that rather than appreciate who they are in full and allow hints to unfold. Thanks for sharing your experience – it is great to read this.
Having pictures of how a situation needs to be, doesn’t allow for inspirations or the space for something different because the control around that need, tries to control the event. No wonder our own pictures butt up against others ideas, because holding a picture means your not in the flow and tensions then creep in.
The mental pictures we hold onto are often there in the background and we are so used to their presence that we don’t even notice them. It is great when something happens, so that we do notice them. As they significantly affect the way we behave and how we expect things, ourselves and other people to be. As a picture drops away it is like releasing a shackle and we are more able to be ourselves.
We tend to see societies issues with social media addiction, pornography and computer gaming as new developments for this age. Yet what you share here Adele makes it clear that we have long been disturbed and polluted by these mental constructs and images we receive. Today’s media is just an reflection of this game that is played on our inside.
Pictures are a setup and come with a huge amount of expectation. The expectation leads to disappointment which leads to conflict in a relationship. It’s hard for anyone to win in this game and its a game that we can step out of at any time.
One point you are making is how much tension it creates in our bodies when we create pictures that the world around us is not living up to. Unless we bring attention to it, which is exactly what you have done here, we will override it and wonder what hit us further down the road when it manifests as a condition in our bodies. To pay careful attention to what is going on in our bodies is the best medicine we can ever give ourselves.
More and more I am catching those pictures that I hold with different people and in different scenarios. It’s very rare that our pictures correspond with another’s, hence where the tension can arise. It would be so much more helpful and hold far less tension if we could express the pictures we are holding onto at the time so that others may not react, and to keep it open for a much more honest and true interaction.
I find it amazing how much we have pictures or ideas about how we want things to be. I have wondered why and for me it usually comes down to wanting to have some sort of control over the outcome or the other person – ie. do it this way and I know the outcome – do it another way and I am not sure what will happen – but when I think it why would I want things to be repeated when love is forever deepening and offering us more? And also just because someone may not being what I think is best perhaps for them that may actually be a supportive thing to do and something they need to learn. What it exposes is quite how judgemental I have been when I have allowed those thoughts in.
Ironically these pictures that we create to help us feel safe and happy do exactly the opposite. They keep us in our own world and separate from the truth and have us feeling frustrated, sad or angry, anxious, nervous or tense when they don’t match what actually is. We can save ourselves so much trouble by staying really true to ourselves and giving others the space to do the same.
Expansion comes from our choices.If we carry a picture of how our choices are to unfold it is denying us the chance to discover and learn more about others and ourselves equally so. It limits our possibilities and opportunities to grow stunting our evolvement and connections tenfold. Allowing ourselves to be and not holding our ideals and pictures onto others opens up the way for great connections and the learning and growth is there for all.
Analysing our pictures, seeing where they come from and what we are using them for is a great thing to do. Letting go of them isn’t always easy, but letting life flow in the way it does is so worth the effort.
This is so true Amita: “pictures can destroy relationships”. I certainly know this as I grew up with the belief that the man of my dreams would come along, we would get married and live happily ever after. Well I did get married, young, and as a result of carrying so many pictures in my head of what married life was going to be like there was a lot of disappointment and very little ‘happiness’, and eventually the marriage came to an end.
We all seem to, at one time or another, take on roles in life and as you say with such clarity “if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.”. This makes so much sense as if we are always trying to fulfil the pictures we are probably missing out on so many other opportunities that are waiting for us to live and enjoy. I am beginning to see that living life without pictures is a much more liberating and enjoyable way to live.
I understand that most of my anxiety and tension in my body is from having this concept that I know what needs to happen and I try to make it happen. I am focusing on just taking life one step at a time, making choices from what is happening at that moment. Trusting that if i do not get in the way things will happen that can guide me. What a much better way to live, flowing with life rather then trying to control it.
It is interesting how many pictures I carry and often am not aware of them It is a huge blessing to get aware of our pictures in order to make a choice.
Discovering the pictures that I hold has been very liberating…. and as I come upon more and more, my body is getting to know the feeling how different it is – being held by an image or being free of that for any constellation to occur.
This picture thing not only relates to relationships but to all aspects of life, how we think our work should be, what our appearance should look like, how our family should behave, the list in endless yet if was to take away those pictures those ideals and beliefs that can literally exhaust us we may well find life flows and the magic that is God’s love will be known.
When we get a picture stuck in our mind of how it should be, we can become dogmatic in our pursuit to reach what we feel is the objective. When the end arrives, and our picture is proven wrong, do we still only begrudgingly concede defeat? What is wrong… with excepting we made a mistake and letting go of the pictures?
I find having a picture is restrictive and imposing, blocking the potential and allowing of what is already there to be experienced.
The different pictures we have learnt to live with and from, can be totally controlling our lives. It is weird to know that we all more or less live something we are not, but that we think we need to be…
What a beautiful and precious learning Adele, thank you for sharing and supporting us to feel the unlimitedness of the moment;
“The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment”.
If we base our relationships on images, then it can be difficult for children and people in general to understand why sometimes they’re having a relationship with their mum/friend/family member/colleague etc., and why at other times they’re just having a relationship with these imposed images and ideals.
This is a great inspiration for all of us to examine the pictures we still hold onto in relationships and the lives we aspire to have, as the pictures reveal the places that we still look outside of ourselves for something that we have unresolved within us.
Pictures can potentially destroy any true connection we are wanting to have with another. When we can just bring ourselves to them with no need or picture in the way, there is an awesome opportunity for real magic to take place.
I find myself pondering on how my body feels in those moments where I know there is a space where no pictures exist and I choose to be with that space. My body feels very still, open and full of love. My ponder is how would I live my life if I allowed this space to lead the way?
I once took my daughter, who was maybe four at the time, out for the day in London and had all these things planned that I thought she would think amazing including going on the London Eye. I had a total image or picture of how the day was going to be and it turned out a complete disaster. The Eye even was boring for her so I learned from that day to feel into more of what would work instead of looking to the pictures in my head.
“Learning to be in Relationship without Pictures” – when you stop and think about this, it’s so deeply healing because there’s nothing in life that we don’t already have a ‘picture’ of, or how ‘things should be’. Thus your title Adele reveals the basis of true relationship, and hence how deeply all of us have to heal to rid the allure of the image(s).
Are we all not in a relationship with life? As you have said Zofia, who doesn’t have photo albums of what that should be! Aren’t photos just frozen past moment’s.
It is very true that without a picture of how we would like life to be we are free to accept it as it is. Expectations in fact or pictures limit us to a very narrow window of how full life can be, all because we are attached to it delivering something to us.
We think the pictures we have are real…! That is the problem. We don’t realise they are our own interpretation of the world.
Having no images that impose a certain picture on the way we and other should be, actually opens us up to a truer configuration that naturally constellates… and magic happens!
A very inspiring and thought provoking article, thank you Adele, I am beginning to realise how when I have a picture of a past event that was unpleasant I often project it onto a future event and before the event happens I then come in and try to control the outcome, leaving me and others with a degree of anxiety. As Rebecca writes above “we simply have to let it unfold and we will find out in due course.”
How cool to have fun with this, Vanessa. I find what you have shared very inspiring because it keeps me willing and curious rather than ashamed and cross with myself.
All so true. I have just read this to my son and he is sharing many instances when he has had a picture of how something will be that has only led to frustration and disappointment. Amazing to have this insight and understanding that pictures, particularly those involving others are controlling and do not build and nurture our relationships.
Our relationship with images is one of unbreakable loyalty. Our relations with other human beings it is not always the case. Images give something to us and we have to acknowledge this. Equally we have to be aware what that giving does to us and the extent to which ruins our lives and hinders the possibility of deepening and expanding.
Adele what came to me as I sat reflecting on your blog is that we are all Sons of God, that we are from a universal quality and in our essence we are the same. Yet even with the same quality at our heart we all uniquely express that quality, therefore even in our divine expression a picture would get in the way of the truth. Therefore if in divinity having a picture stops the fullness of life on earth then in all other forms and exceptions a picture will certainly get in the way, retard if not completely take us off track and cuts out the magic of God that is alive 24/7. .
Pictures create a constant tension in the body as trying to fit ourselves into anything does not allow us to surrender to what is already there.
This is a really inspiring article that invites me to explore my patterns as a mother and to surrender the pictures I have about how so many things might/should be when I am with my children. It is uncomfortable to consider the imposition of my expectations over the years, but I also get a strong sense that it is never too late to make changes and deepen the respect and understanding in my relationships.
When we create pictures, we are actually creating our lives, rather than letting them unfold in the harmonious way that they would naturally and divinely do if we didn’t let our pictures get in the way.
Pictures set us up for disappointment and frustration.
‘So we enjoyed the rest of our trip and continued to enjoy a deeper relationship with each other, even though our daily choices are completely opposite in life.’ – How simple it really is, when we allow each other the space to just be who we are.
You said it Nikki – ‘pictures are a relationship killer’. Not even we can live up to our own pictures.
Thanks, Adele. I was exposed in a relationship recently for having done a ‘box ticking’ exercise with them, and it was a great learning to be able to talk about how empty and disconnecting it felt for both of us.
I come back to to read your blog Adele, because pictures can return about how something is and I am understanding it can be about other people’s pictures too. This is not to blame anyone at all but simply exposes how we can all have our set ways of things we have fitted into but can allow the future to simply be what it will be without our the expectations of the pictures of the past.
Pictures of life can be very debilitating and controlling…we can be almost prisoner to them…because we think it is our reality. Feeling the quality of a situation or thought rather than falling into habits is the only way I have found to come out of the pictures in life. I have built a relationship with my body that is a connection, that has a depth and honesty to it that enables me to challenge what is a picture and so instead feel what is more true for me.
There are pictures every where, in our relationship to everything. Breaking down the pictures we hang on to frees us up for constellating life in the truest sense of the word.
Pictures are the killer of joy.
Yup. Because they take us out of everything that is actually happening in each moment… we are absent to the present.
Pictures, we use to think they were harmless or even more they were things to hold onto but the more I see is that they actually can hold the true you back. When you hold how something should be then you try and push everything to that point and when it misses the mark you are left disappointed or feeling like you have failed. You may still not see how this works but more and more I am seeing that pictures I have are actually hurting me. Not the pictures themselves but more how I am needing to live to keep them in my view. These pictures aren’t true and no matter what they offer and seem to promise they need to be let go of.
It’s interesting to see how this very understanding applies just as much to our relationship with our body as it does with our relationships with others. Our body may be feeling one way and yet we have a picture that does not match how our body feels for instance, going into town to shop when at that moment we feel super tired and exhausted. In these moments it is a lesson of great surrender and deep honesty with what is going on for you.
These picutres can be so very subtle that we may not even realise we have them, or that they are the underlying tension we are feeling in a relationship
I find it tricky dropping the pictures because as soon as I think of something, a picture seems to immediately come into my mind about it. I fully understand how it can trap us expecting something to be a certain way, or have expectations of certain things happening. But I do know that as our awareness deepens and develops, we can be open and let circumstances unfold to be as they will be, and allow relationships to develop.
A picture of how something should be is limiting and doesn’t allow us to see what is actually there in front of us.
Yes, the pictures we hold before us actually blind us to the opportunities right in front of us. This is madness, no?
Very true. Having a picture is like only being able to see a few items that are in a box but not everything around that box. Perhaps there are many boxes sitting around but one box with they’re own gems inside.
This can be applied on a bigger scale about pictures of how we have seen the world and expect it to be. How we thought politicians and other people in leading positions would behave. This morning I can see how having a picture and then the reaction to that picture being crushed is so hard to be OK with and how easy it would be to go into distraction and make another picture – one we have more control over! yet if we step back and observe, we don’t run away, we speak up, we be the change we want to see. We choose to live without the pictures and see our part as to how the picture got to be as it is in the first place. Jenny Ellis said it perfectly in a comment here – smash the pictures and the development of love can occur.
How perfect Adele that it is you exposing the illusion behind pictures and images… you are spot on, they are the greatest hindrance to truly loving relationships in every arena of life, including the one with ourselves. Smash the pictures we hold ourselves and others up to, and the development of love can occur.
Having read your blog a few days ago Adele it has opened the flood gates to seeing the many pictures that are there in my day and just how they can take me away from what is true.
I have noticed I have so many pictures simple ones like I shouldn’t have to que for anything! How arrogant : but I really do have a picture that runs a movie of how things should be. Exhausting and resentment making the killer of joy.
Pictures frame is and when we are framed it is a setup!
Pictures take us away from the moment actually being lived and experienced.
The pictures that we hold about how a relationship ‘should’ be is enough to make us run away! Trying to live up to how we think we should be and dealing with how others are and how this is nowhere near our picture of how it ‘should’ be is a feat that we give ourselves that ultimately is not necessary. If we simply focus on being ourselves and letting others be themselves without all the expectations it lifts a huge load off our shoulders, and there is nothing to ‘run away’ from.
I am learning to not have expectations or live from images with everything. From how many pillows I use going to bed, to how my day, class, and relationships with people will pan out. It’s about working on being much more connected to my body, and letting people in. The later needs work as I get anxious around many people.
The truth of any situation is always unifying. Pictures always separate and divide us.
Yes and then you find yourself in a situation that on the surface ‘looks’ the same for everyone, yet everyone is personally holding a different picture of the situation, how they got there and how they are supposed to move on, through or out of it!!! Complicated or what?!
Oh my goodness so true Alexis. Which leads me to consider is that what we are avoiding all along – feeling our own essence and knowing we can be the change in our own lives and therefore in the world?!
To hold a picture does always provoke a comparing – and with comparing we always have a ‘looser’ so to speak. But we are designed to be all ‘winners’. We make it together or not at all.
Beautiful sharing Caroline, there is definitely a build up in the body when we leave things unexpressed and giving ourselves permission to share whatever it is allows more openness and honesty in our relationships and in our bodies more space to feel whatever else there is to feel and enjoy ourselves in the process.
It’s amazing the extent to which we allow the pictures we create to get in the way of providing “..space for understanding anothers picture…” and thus conflict results.
I love the way you and your son were open to giving one another the opportunity to express their feelings thereby leading to a deeper connection between you both for the rest of your trip.
I observed the other day just how much I live with investment, expectation, pictures and need for recognition…when none of this exists we are simply left in the ‘art of being’ and this leaves the body open, spacious, surrendered with the ability to truly observe and not absorb life.
I love coming back to this blog as it sets me up for the day, there are so many types of relationships, meeting and interactions that I have with people and slowly as i let go of pictures of how they should be I am less anxious and enjoy whatever comes up (well in most cases!).
‘If we had not built up this foundation together in Hong Kong, how would this be possible all of a sudden just because we were in a different time zone…?’ This is such a pertinent question Adele. Quite often when we go away we want that trip to ‘fix’ our relationships and have expectations about how we want things to be. As you have expressed so clearly, this is completely false as the momentum we have been living comes with us and then we feel let down or start to blame the other person without understanding that we have been imposing on them by wanting them to behave differently! Letting go of all of that allows for the space to connect more deeply, and with no investment in outcomes we can let go of the tension around needing things to be other than they are.
The realisation that almost every time that I experience a feeling other than love, acceptance and understanding in my relationships it is because of expectation; a picture.
What a set up it is, to hang our expectations on other people to conform to our desires of how life should be. It can only really end in disaster. How freeing it is to choose instead to communicate, to remain open and flexible to other people’s choices as well as holding our own as equally valid, really allowing both our selves and others to discover what feels correct for us. What I find these days is that the more I hold these two perspectives as equally valid without forcing anything, it allows for something else more lovely and special to materialise as a consequence. Co-creation as its best.
Being honest about differences offers a moment to go deeper and heal something within.
Coming back to your blog Adele is such a beautiful reminder to avoid ideals, beliefs, perfectionism and pictures in all relationships, thus freeing us to the “unlimitedness of the moment” and the learning that follows.
A change in scenery doesn’t change anything and therefore it is not realistic for any of us to think or expect that it will. If there are issues with someone at home, then the same issue will be there in another environment but perhaps less obvious when we are away from our usual surrounds. So holidays may look like an answer but they are just a temporary distraction from what is going on every day.
The way you have written about pictures here Adele, makes me stop and see life as if I am watching TV. Do I get ‘sucked in’ to the plot line and characters? Or do I see it knowing it is just a created show which in a minute will move on and go. It seems to me the decision to get swept away by anything in our day is just like deciding to buy into a dramatic plot twist in a soap opera. The truth underneath it all is we a Sons of God, beautiful, loving and tender at heart separate to these pictures – we are the art.
Pictures can be broken down through communication. It’s amazing how many times I will envision something, not express what it is I’m seeing or feeling and thus become frustrated with another for not ‘getting it’. Open communication can dissipate pictures and expectation.
When there’s a picture, there’s an expectation.. and when there’s expectation there’s also disappointment that can lead to resentment. This is not the way for true relationship, and the fact that we have so much tension and conflict in our homes, offices, businesses, economies.. highlights just how much the vast majority of us personally and collectively as a race are not living truly, or, who we truly are.
My experience of pictures is that they create anxiety as we try to make our lives or other people match the pictures that we have. It feels completely different when we surrender to the ‘What Is’.
Making choices from a knowing of who I am is allowing me to slowly redevelop my relationship with myself, just as I have had pictures of relationships with us so have I with the expectations I have placed on myself.
Investing in the outcome of how an event, relationship, or anything should look like and be, is looking forward with an unreal expectation, and takes us right away from how and where we are, and gives no space or respect to others, and no chance of a deepening relationship. It is total control and protection, and as such as far away from living from the inner heart in the present as we could be. Yet most of our world operates in this way, and as Adele says, it causes conflict.
Wow! Love what you have shared Adele, it brings up so much around family, true family and my relationship with God, which at the end of the day is my only true consideration of what family and brotherhood with every aspect of humanity is all about. So in other words I am learning to take away my ‘own picture’, so to ‘provide space for understanding another’s picture’, and therefore not bringing in any area where any ‘conflict arises’ or reaction.
I have been clocking lately how all I need to do is be obedient to God and not react to others so in the most loving ways I am working on myself and then all else will look after its self.
If I have a picture, I’ve got an investment. In intimate relationships I’ve always been afraid for the other leaving, but in this I’m actually constantly being busy with a picture. A picture that I can’t control as I don’t have a say in how to live somebody else’s life. So in fact this is a constant drain. How different would life be if we would approach each moment as brand new. That would be amazingly refreshing, but something that needs a lot of time and honesty to develop. But nevertheless worth exploring as this way of living is very freeing.
The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment. This is so true, and there are so many pictures that we hold in so many different areas of our lives that need letting go of because they literally keep us stuck and not in the flow because our picture does not align with what already is.
Boy can pictures disrupt life and relationships. Reading your blog I can see the many pictures I still have of how family life should be and how they feed my self doubt when things don’t go according to those pictures. So great to call out these pictures for what they are – a hindrance to family harmony and connection.
This is so true Jane, it is staggering the amount of pictures we have with regards to how others should or should not act and then get bent out of shape if our expectations aren’t met, and it seems the more we are open to acknowledging these pictures the more they show themselves.
‘Bent out of shape’ is a great analogy for it Julie. I used feel I was an amoeba, constantly shape shifting to fit into all the pictures I had created. It was exhausting and no fun at all. As the illusion of these pictures come up to be seen for what they are they crumble away leaving us with more space to see what is true.
I love how you share that your son wants to excercise his ability to choose for himself – how amazing for him that he has a Mum who honors him and respects his choices, no matter what these choices might look like.
Holidays are where everything is meant to be perfect and fun but more often than not they are challenging. If we accept that who ever we are on a trip with may have a very different idea of the type of trip its going to be, than we might be able to actually enjoy being away without breaking the bank.
When we confine our relationships to the pictures we hold, we miss the God-given opportunities in every moment.
Pictures are indeed what keep us trapped in the cycle of creation, of the dramas and conflicts which we are party to, and the attachments and investments that we hold on to. So mastering the art of letting go of pictures and we are no longer owned by the game – and thus we become free to live true.
Thanks, Adele, the “unlimitedness of the moment” is definitely something to choose over an imprisoning set of ideals about how life and relationships should be.
It can be amazing to feel even for a short moment that having no need, judgement, attachment, or picture can allow space for us to hold ourselves and others in grace…allowing what is there to be in the moment. Imagine if we lived this all the time?
When we really stop to consider this, its amazing how quickly, in any given situation, that we can go into our heads and create a picture of something. But when we simple allow something to unfold by just staying in the moment, there is so much more available to us on so many different levels.
‘Even though we are mother and son and we do live in the same house, we have very different lifestyles and we are both stubborn in our choices’ – This raises a great point, that perhaps we should look at the choices WE’RE making and how we’re being in our relationships before pointing any fingers at others and blaming any issues/tension that arise on them.
What an honest insight into our pictures and how we want everything to be ok when under all this coming form a true understanding of others can change everything and allows a flow and harmony for whatever is needed. Our natural innate quality expressed by our movements simply allows space for us all and is the only true way to live from.
Letting go of the pictures allows us to be in true relationship, and to be impulsed by a knowing that is innately natural.
I am living away from home for a long period at the moment because of work and am having to completely change my image of what phone conversations should be. It’s very amazing to allow. A simple “hi and bye” can have way more connection than hours of chat.
I have found living with pictures to be so debilitating. However when I have allowed things to unfold without expectation, although things may not turn out in the way that one could have expected they turn out just fine, and I also find that I have space in my body and have not gone into any tension.
What an incredible shift this is “to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” How immersed we can become in our roles to such an extent that we loose sight of our real expression. You provide us with an important example Adele, of what it means to be woman first, parent, wife, and career woman and so on, second. It feels like putting the horse back in front of the cart, to re-connect to one’s real expression, a delicate, precious, deeply nurturing woman and from here infusing everything we do with these qualities. A choice that everyone, self included benefits from.
Jeannette, I have also experienced seeing the world anew when I discard the photos I have held.
“I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices.” This line alone can completely change a relationship if it is lived. Letting go of pictures doesn’t mean we need to bottle up our feelings. This is huge for me as most of my life I have lived believing that I had to keep things to myself if someone else didn’t want to come to the table. Now I can see that it is healthy and loving to express as long as I am not attached to achieving a certain outcome.
These expectations that we hold of how things will be or how people will be is what contributes to conflict in relationships. It stands to reason that if person A is wanting one thing, and person B is wanting something different then it isn’t going to work and more importantly there won’t be any harmony between the two people.
I have just experienced what it means to spend time with a young boy and not have any pictures of how he should behave, well or otherwise and found it very freeing and much more enjoyable. There is no disappointment or resentment then and not a single smashed picture in sight.
I love the words space and understanding. Never have I actually understood how much these words are actually interrelated and interdependent. I suddenly realise that all (ALL!!) our conflicts are actually there, because of the fact that we don’t understand each other and are not able (sometimes willing) to create space in order to allow understanding to come occur. How wise is it to set a step back and observe any kind of situation, rather than start discussing or argueing without true space to truly hear and listen to each other?
Placing expectations on others burdens them and by doing this we are not considering the other person at all, only our own needs and what we are wanting from the other person so that we feel ok. When our expectations are not met it can be easy to blame the other rather than feel in greater truth what is really going on. As I mentioned in another comment I am really inspired by this blog to look at how I do this in all my relationships.
“if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment. ” I love this. To feel the unlimitedness of the moment – what a refreshing way to live.
A great example about how holding on to our images and expectations limits our ability to remain open and harmoniously flow with what the moment requires. No wonder most of the time we find ourself going round and round repeating the same scenarios. It shows how important it is to observe any images we are trying to squeeze the world around us into, and let ourselves feel their impact as well as the expansion possible when we drop them.
“With the understanding that this was not a pattern built solely from one day, and therefore, neither can it be undone in just one day, I was able to hold more understanding for why he was making the choices he was.” When we are able to bring this level of understanding to situations such as these, we can really begin to offer another something different, because it allows us to let go of our own expectations. And this is when the magic can, and so often does happen.
Having a picture on how to be puts enormous undue pressure on anyone and any situation.
At times I can feel defeated if an expectation isn’t meant but as soon as I give it a reality check and ask why is the picture there in the first place a new perspective quickly lightens the situation.
Letting go of living with pictures allows the understanding and magic of life to be seen and lived and feels so beautiful and different to the constraints and frustration of living within our images and falseness of the what we can create otherwise from these.
It feels so important that we as people constantly express how we feel to others. In doing this we can relate to where we are each at and our natural way of being will be to return to harmony if we choose and allow it to come forth.
Susan, you have made me remember travel brochure photos of the beautiful accommodations… taken 20 years ago!
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” Bingo – the source of conflict in a nutshell. So often we try to find a middle ground, attempt to invent a common picture, but all the while still attempting to control the situation to our advantage. But surely the answer lies in not having any pictures in the first place, not having any false images that distract us from the joy of responding to our feelings, living a truly spontaneous life. What a fine line to tread, to be able to absolutely know your way forward in life based on feeling what to do, rather than working towards a series of fixed images. The former feels very flowing and open, the latter feels tight and restrictive and so life will unfold accordingly depending on which way we choose.
The main word that springs to mind is understanding, you had understanding and respect for your sons choices and in that understanding you surrendered your own picture. When we drop our pictures it is time to celebrate as so many of us hold onto ideas of what life should be like rather then surrendering to the magic that is there to unfold.
What’s been shared here can apply in any relationship. So often we desperately want things to be a certain way, and with that, the people in our lives to be a certain way… Are we not continually tested in such regard?
Our willingness to see and reflect upon that which leaves us disappointed and perhaps pressuring ourselves and others to live up to a pre-conceived notion of how we want situations to be, offers us a vast amount of true self-knowledge, and understanding of others. As we let go of that which we’ve clung to, it can also be immensely freeing, to not be placing such energetic demands upon how the world should be, and let go of our need to control it all…
I love that you have brought this down to being a ‘woman’ first and foremost Adele – and then a woman, who yes, holds responsibilities as a parent of her son. So much of what the world defines a ‘mother’ to be today is completely based upon ‘pictures’, as you say – ideals of how she should behave, what she should do in particular scenarios… It’s undoubtedly an ongoing process, if we are willing, of dismantling the multitudinous beliefs and notions around all of this, but then, in a way it can be simple, if we return to our ability to reflect (as you have shown here so beautifully), and with that, our willingness to let go of that which in truth, serves no-one.
We can focus on the apparent safety and control pictures offer us, the goal, the vision of what we think we want. But the fact is they are boxes which lock us in and shut us down to anything outside the pictures coming around. Contrary to the dream we think we have, we have in reality been framed by our own desire to control the day. Thank you for your personal sharing Adele, I feel there are many of us who will be able to relate, in many situations in our everyday life. Imagine how it would be for us all to live, picture, frame and expectation-free?
What an incredible gift you are giving not only to yourself but also to your son with this – “I made the point that, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility and, with expressing, we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices. And with that, there need be no expectations either.” This is seriously the gift that keeps on giving.
I love the honesty you share here Adele, and how you recognised that how you both lived at home could not suddenly change due to being in a different place. Many of us fall into this trap of expecting our ‘away’ time to somehow be different in how we are with each other even though our established foundation and day to day rhythm are very different and we can easily put pressure on ourselves to be a certain way and in fact miss the opportunity and space that can offer us. As you say ‘hanging onto any picture does not bring us to full truth.’ and so in your willingness to let go your pictures you found a new space to be with your son, and it’s great to hear and understand this as I spend time with my family just now and I’m seeing how in fact I cannot expect them to be anything other than what they are, and in allowing this space I can just be with me and with them.
“…The mental pictures that we hold onto, if they are not expressed openly, clearly and respectfully, seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world…” Agree, and also, interpretation of an image can be so varied which can also be a source of contention.
This is so true – that when we have preconceived ideas of how things should be we don’t allow the space for what could be. I can be this way with work or what I have to do in a day- I can get stressed when something not in my preconceived picture of how the day ‘needed’ to unfold for me to remain stress free. What if it was my mental picture and the stress and effort of adhering to that that made the day stressful? What if letting go of the picture and feeling what was next to do or to respond that allowed the Magic of God to be seen?
How many pictures do we hold of relationships, jobs, how we should be, friends, holidays gosh there must be millions. What this reminded me was something I learnt (and am still learning) in that if we are frustrated at another then first look to ourselves as why we are frustrated about someone; as it will be within us first before we see it in another … same with judgement.
Very true Adele, our patterns are built up over many years – and the propensity towards those patterns needs a watchful eye on when they sneak in. Catching the pictures highlights what might be behind those behaviours.
Adele I had to come back and re read your blog. I can still feel there is much more I can get from it. You offer incredible insight on how to live relationships without picture and offer a glimpse of space it creates. I’m sure I’ll be back for more.
I am constantly finding yet another picture that I have in my baggage of pictures… how I should do this at work, how I should be as a woman, how I should be on a date, how I should be as a mother, how I should be as a practitionner and the list goes on. The pictures are just ideals and beliefs that I have and that word SHOULD that I get caught following at times rather than as you say, feel what to do in the moment and act from there. I know I have been one who has re-acted over and over again, doing the same thing even though the circumstance is very different. Feeling the situation and responding instead of re-acting is the key. Allowing myself to change my patterns of behaviour rather than just do what I always did.
A classic example was I was vegetarian for years, over 15 years and then realised that I had a picture that it was healthy and that it was what I had decided so I couldn’t change it. I wondered who had made up this rule one day and did the choice to still be vegetarian still apply and feel right for me. The answer was a very clear NO and I feel healthier now than ever before and I love eating meat! The picture was it was healthy to be vegetarian and kind to animals. I had taken it on, lived with it for over 15 years and never questioned if it was still true to me or not. How many instances do we do this and become identified with the picture, for example in my case I was identified with “I am a vegetarian”!
What you have describe can go on so often in life – the dissatisfaction, disgrunted or let down feeling you have when someone elses picture of life goes allign with yours
I love this sharing, especially the awareness of the dynamics that were going on. And how both play their part in it and that if we’re willing and open, that there’s always communication possible. How amazing would life be if we would all hold so much space for one another that every one is indeed free to make their own choices? What if… Until that time, understanding that we’re not the same and that everyone has the right to make their own choices, supports a lot to stay in harmony with each other. Thank you deeply Adele.
I really loved reading this again Adele and feeling how you truly respected your choice and your sons choice and how much more space that allowed you both. We all have freewill to choose, and as soon as we try and impose, everyone feels it! So wow what a change for you to break the ideals around a mum and child on holiday.
‘The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfil these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment’, I love this quote Adele. Letting go of pre-conceived pictures can he hard, we live in a world that is always enticing us to be more, to want more, to have more, rather than just let go and surrender to what we are already are by letting go of the pictures. Difficult and challenging at times yes, impossible, no.
It’s the holding onto the pictures that causes the hurt because the expectation is not met. But this is ridiculous really because it is very rare that another is even aware of our pictures let alone has the same one. Pictures may seem good at best but they are never true therefore will always leave a tension in the body.
‘I made the point that from, henceforth, we will both express what we feel, as that is our only responsibility…’
This is simply it and this is the Truth Adele. Relationships are not about what we have made them to be about but first and foremost we are to honour and respect deeply the relationship we have with ourselves – that is the no.1 Relationship. This challenges the conventional view, but it is what is needed if we as the human race are to truly evolve.
You make an important point in how we seek to fulfil the image of being ‘good’ and ‘right’ – and how on the journey to this goal, we override what is true, not only for ourselves but those we are trying to be ‘good’ for.
Pictures and their expectations really are designed to trip us up, as we will be instantly disappointed when someone doesn’t play their part. and especially so if we have any investment in another person conforming to our picture. Add to the mix another person and their pictures and so the dramas and conflicts of the world play out. Learning what our pictures are and stepping free of them, allows us to see the world in its true light.
Going through life with no expectations would certainly reduce the likelihood of being disappointed.
A great example Adele of what happens when we let someone be, not imposing our own expectations (from pictures) of how they should be in relation to us. As parent to a teenage son also, I can relate to much of what you’ve shared and it does not make for a good relationship. Accepting others for their choices and getting on with our own is key I agree.
Really inspiring Adele! Living with pictures is like comparing to something that doesnt exist and is therefore unattainable and for me then results in trying really hard continuously which is exhausting to say the least!!!!! It seems impossible to leave without these continuous expectations but i know they’re formed from my needs… so i’m focussing on meeting my own needs for the meantime!
I can relate to the need to let go of images within a relationship to allow it to be all that is offered and find that in doing so there is more magic within it that could not be imagined.
‘The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.’ Very true. When we don’t allow another the space and understanding to be where they are at we are simply imposing on them.
If the mental pictures that we hold onto “seem to be one of the causes of conflict in the world”, imagine then life when pictures are dropped and we are left to be in that unconditional space, love.
Rosanna even imagining fills my mind with pictures, yet I know what you mean and get a real sense of an open spacious way of living.
“The Ancient Wisdom Teachings presented by Serge Benhayon teach that no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.” Such wise words and ones that we could all pay heed to. If we follow what we ‘feel’ rather than being attached to what we ‘think we should do’, i.e. pictures, then we allow sitations ot unfold in a very natural and loving way, and magic can happen. So many true opportunites are missed because we get oursleves in the way of what could otherwise very naturally occur.
What an amazing reflection of the pictures we hold and live by in our daily lives and how we see things are going to be and try and make this happen and then get upset when it is not like this. Allowing a flow and everyone to simply be is beautiful as you share with such wise words “no matter what our roles are in life, if we try to fulfill these roles with pre-conceived pictures, then we are limited by how we should be, rather than feeling how to be in the unlimitedness of the moment.”
Learning to let go of pictures relating to my relationships is extremely supportive and often when I let go of one picture another one appears for me to learn and let go of. Some picture seems to be harder than others to discard, they seem to stick like concrete but being aware of them and observing the effects of my choices means I can slowly chip away at the more stubborn ones. It is interesting and amazing to feel the lightness and joy in my relationships the more I choose to let go.
Funny how we expect everything to miraculously change because we are on ‘holiday’, a word that is used for a space in our lives that we commonly use to attempt to escape from the drudgery of everyday life. When we really look at the word however, it is derived from the word ‘Holy’, a Holy Day, which implies a space of reverence, appreciation of and connection to the Divine. What if we focussed on making everyday a Holy Day, so that when we take our holiday, we don’t use it as a space to escape something, but a time to celebrate, appreciate and enjoy everyone we holiday with, self included, supported by the divine momentum we have established in our daily lives.
It feels very restrictive and controlling to have all of these pictures and expect others to act in a certain way so that the pictures are played out to our satisfaction, and then you have the pictures clashing constantly because someone has to give in an adhere to another’s picture – never likely we live in tension with each other.
Pictures will either give us a (false) sense of elation when they are met, or disappointment when not met. The problem with pictures being that both scenarios are harmful for us.
When I have to change my picture it creates a lot of tension in me. It makes me realise how stuck and invested I can get to have things turn out in a fixed way. I can restart with dropping the picture of how I thought this weekend was going to pan out.
What would advertising be without pictures? What was the world like before TV when the world outside of our sight was newspapers and radio, if not simpler? Now the image is everything… if you believe what we are shown in pictures everywhere. As you have said, Alexis, we should all be farmers, plant the seed and see what grows
This is huge and very inspiring. Allowing another to be themselves in a relationship is the foundation of love.
The deep form of self acceptance which comes from not needing another to be a certain way is how to have a true relationship, which is the bringing of all that we are.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises” – yes, and when there is understanding, there is space, and when there is space, there is the expanse of love.
When we take time to stop and explore the choices we each make, it helps to create a greater understanding as well as helping the relationship to evolve, as we become more honest in our expression.
Hi Adele one can clearly see from your blog just how holding on to any expectation or picture would be a rejection of the other person and would be felt as such by them and also a rejection of yourself as you would have limited your experience to a function that fitted a picture that didn’t work for either involved.
It is impossible to frame the expansiveness we are, even though we may try to reduce ourselves or others to an image.
Amazing! I have a trip coming up with my mother, and I can feel how both of us are going into these pictures. However, it is super simple simple – I don’t even need to think about the trip and just experience it when it comes 🙂
I find that the more awareness and understanding we have of ourself the more we can bring that into all our relationships, into how we hold others too.
Absolutely agree and that does not always mean they will meet us at that level of relating.
I liked what you have shared about taking on roles and the limiting effect of believing that’s who we are. What I see we get out of this is security and the comfort of being something familiar, predictable and defined. However the soul is not like that, it is limitless in what we are able to express and feel. We are not 2 dimensional cut outs and life becomes very stale and purposeless when we live this way.
Another word for pictures is expectations. This is something we cook up in our minds ahead of time, so has no relation to what is actually true at the time. No one likes the feeling of being expected to do anything, but we are more than happy to put out what we expect of others. Our expectations come loaded with wants and needs and not only squash the other person but the potential for feeling more within ourselves.
Today I realised that I have a picture how I expect myself to be when I’m in the company of people. I have to be funny, playful, joyful, cheeky and entertaining. And if I’m not, I’m not worthy to be with people. So basically I’ve put my self-esteem into a picture I cannot hold. And it’s tiring, exhausting me. So if I let the picture go, who am I, how am I to behave. Who am I in the first place when there’s no picture… Interesting unfoldment…
The expectations and pictures of how we want others to be can be really imposing, even if we are oblivious to this at the time. The clarity you have, Adele when your pictures and your son’s pictures clashed really throws much light onto my own choices and expectations I have placed on others. Thanks for sharing.
True Rachel, a sharing that offers a real stop moment for deep reflection.
The pictures we have of what a relationship should look like is the greatest illusion there is – there is no end to what our children, partners, friends, colleagues etc. etc, should live up to, if we had it OUR way…
Sure is Eva! As soon as we remove one picture another appears to again lead us in the direction that we ourselves are asking others not to judge us in. Building a foundation of lived responsibility supports this.
When we live from a picture of how we want ourselves or another to be, we do not allow the fullness of the person to express themselves and hence we miss out on a large part of the relationship with ourselves and/or with another.
And also it takes the willingness at least if two people to have and be in a relationship.
It is amazing the magic that presents itself when we are living what is true for us… like being invited to a wedding!
This is so true Adele, and so very supportive of everyone when we express “… we get to choose what we feel is true for us, as long as it does not compromise the other person’s choices.” It creates a harmony and a natural flow within life and within relationships.
I have seen how constricting it is when we try to hold people to be in a certain way as it does not allow them to simply be themselves. It also comes across as being very judgemental amd controlling because effectively we are wanting and needing them to be a certain way.
How important is it for us to…”… let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.” We can become so absorbed in our children’s lives that we loose sight of, who we are as a woman first and foremost, and of being true to ourselves.
There are so many pictures around mothering and they are designed to keep one away from being oneself. Great to realise and let go of these.
There are so many ideals about how we relate to our children and you have shown us, Adele, that these ideals do not support or deepen our relationship with our children or ourselves. I too have always created a lot of pictures and they in truth just create expectation and cause frustration and disappointment without adding anything to an otherwise beautiful relationship.
I love how you are bringing light to the fact that we all have pictures. And you honestly and openly write about it. I love your acceptance of yourself and your son which gives you a deeper understanding of the pictures at play. Thank you for your sharing.
It definitely confirms that I am a woman expressing with parenting duties and to continue to understand my pictures that get in the way.
Just the responsibility to be honest with what they both felt is amazing and then expressing that.
I love that approach Adele “…being a woman with parenting duties…” – that feels so empowering, really claiming who we are in full first and then from that place we have a great foundation to attend to our duties with all the love, care and dedication that is needed.
It’s interesting as you explore this more and more, projected pictures or images are everywhere – I was just thinking about how giving birthday/Christmas presents are often loaded with expectation that the recipient will love what they receive. Great to ponder on this more.
Great point, and it’s worth noting that everyone has a different definition of what good or bad might mean. It’s all very subjective, no wonder we don’t see eye to eye!
Hanging on to pictures often leads to disappointment. Disappointment that things havn’t gone our way. So well done Adele, for letting go of the pictures and allowing your time with your son to unfold naturally, without having any expectations. Imagine if we all allowed our lives to flow like that.
Great observation and sharing here, Adele. Pre-conceived ideas and pictures often generate expectations, so it’s no surprise that we feel let down if the visions don’t pan out the way we’d have liked. Communication and transparency are key to any relationship, regardless of who the person is – we can then meet in the middle with a level of understanding which leaves little room for expectation.
You so clearly describe how what it is to live with pictures and how this can play out in life. When we approach any role or any situation with a preconceived idea of who we want it to be, we are always going to be fighting a tension against the reality of how life is, which can never match our perfect picture, because life doesn’t work that way – it is perfectly imperfect in how it works out and yet we will never appreciate this if we have pictures clouding our view.
Having a preconceived picture about what anything should look like is setting us up for big disappointments most of the time. Its like having a picture that your dad is buying you a car and he gives you a moped.
Whatever way we look at it, when we have an expectation of how something should go my experience has always been disappointment. Yet the subtle pictures are there in every part of life, and as a person that would avidly use “my imagination” to escape life and dream up some future fantasy its a gradual journey to let go of the pictures, they are in many ways like a babies comfort blanket – something that I’ve relied on. Now when we take this into relationships and let go of pictures it opens up life to a world of possibilities, no need to react but a willingness to deepen the relationship without an end result in sight. I love what you’ve shared as often a picture is not only damaging for another that we want them to live upto but also for ourselves.
It is so so healing when someone no longer imposes an expectation on you to be a certain way or do things that another wants them to do. We let ourselves be ruled by pictures after having disconnected from our essence and from there, we are forever seeking to fill up the void that is there as a result. And so we demand off people, needing them to fill up that void -and hence the pictures and the tension that reigns in so many relationships.
This is inspiring in the way that we can apply this to any relationship. Remove the judgement of someone else’s choices and we leave them free to be themselves and ourselves free of frustration too. We also drop attachment to the relationship having to ‘work’. If it works it works, if not then we don’t lose anything.
I love this Merrilee…how indeed can the magic unfold if we are constantly projecting fixed ideas of how life needs to be?
This is the thing Meg. Perfectly said. Any picture that we might paint is always gonna be so much less magnificent than the truth…so we should just put down our paint brushes and live our fullness in every second. No expectation. No pictures. Blank canvas for God to work his magic!
Gosh, I can so relate to this, Adele. In the past I used to not enjoy family holidays a lot of the time, because I was so locked into expectations of how things should be. There is so much investment in having a good time on holiday and it puts so much strain on the relationships, rather than allowing everyone to be themselves and do what feels true.
Yes. Dropping one image can often lead to the discovery of a whole lot more! But I am finding that the more I can let go, the easier it becomes. Once we tenderly embrace the fact that we might have wandered down a few wayward paths and don’t judge ourselves for this, then it becomes simpler and simpler to let them go. Also, they stick out more, I notice them more. As I get closer to the truth of who I am, anything that isn’t that, is more and more noticeable.
Such honesty. I feel that so many parents are presenting to others a very different story from what they are actually experiencing. I remember when I started talking openly with fellow fathers about how tough i found the first couple of years of my first son’s life, how I was greeted by waves of relief and out-pouring of similar stories!! So many of us keep this stuff locked up. Sharing these stories and being transparent means that the images no longer have a hold on us.
So inspired to read the courage of those that can drop their images and allow the space for us all to be exactly who we are.
When we experience tension in a relationship, is it that there is really an issue between the two people or are we just being confronted with the clash of our individual pictures that we are imposing on one another?
It is definitely a recipe for disaster, setting out with fixed pictures and ideals about what we want from a relationship, that someone else has to deliver, or as a role we need to play. What an imposition on the other person! Mix this up with the other person’s expectations, add a dash of ‘holiday’ and hey presto, stand back and watch your holiday plans simply sink in the middle. Superb rescue job Adele, to realise this at that crucial moment and make some core adjustments to the recipe. Allowing ourselves and other people to simply be our natural selves is the quintessential ingredient, because if left to do so, we will eventually re-harmonise because nature always does.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” No doubt this is something that we can all relate to at some point in our lives. There have been countless times in my own life when this has been the case, and maybe this is indeed the source of all conflict…for if we never had pictures, there would be no conflict.
Agreed Meg, and the way you have written this shows very clearly how limiting having pictures is and the vastness of what we are blocking out.
Yeah! It’s like sitting under the night sky and having a picture of a star and saying that is all I want, when if you look up there are literally billions and billions of stars already there.
What I am really appreciating within this sharing Adele is your willingness to allow your son to simply be with his own choices and to not get wobbled or go into reaction over this, simply allowing but at the same time continuing to offer a reflection of your own choices not thinking of him in any way lesser. This gives you both a lovely platform to meet on when you are together so that there is enjoyment on both sides and therefore a feeling of mutuality and openness ready for the next encounter to take you both deeper.
Thank you Adele. Boy do pictures cloud our relationships. Just reading your blog I was reminded of lots of similar situations in my relationship with my boys. The most recent one was only a few days ago. As one son will soon be 18 and the other 21 I thought a lovely meal out to celebrate would be great. Both were able to express they would rather just get a take away and chill at home with me. Initially the picture of having to celebrate these ‘big’ birthdays’ (another picture) got in my way and I felt confused and let down by their choice. However once I felt I had let a picture get in the way I could feel the joy in both sons being able to express how they both wanted to celebrate their birthdays.
The self love we hold for ourselves when there are no pictures is phenomenal and it is this self love that I am developing setting the foundation to living a life in true love.
When I was studying Stress Management and psychotherapy around the end of the 1990’s many of the techniques taught were around the manipulation of the images we have in our minds in order to present a more acceptable or even loving picture of events back to ourselves. Never was it questioned whether having images is actually healthy or not – but just the nature of those images. Is it possible though that we can live life without any images at all, in direct presence with life itself, feeling everything that is here to be felt and responding to what we feel? If we live our lives through a spectrum of imagery, what are we actually relating to? And who are we actually relating to? Are we actually in any kind of true relationship at all?
If, picture’s take over our mind, what happens, normally with adolescence, when they are allowed to decorate their rooms? And, fill the walls and ceilings with photos and posters?
Adele, this is very inspiring for me to read as the mother, I can feel how attached I can be to my sons choices and that I often have the expectation that he will have similar choices to me, this does create tension. It is very lovely how understanding and accepting and loving you are with your son and how you let go of the pictures and expectations of how your time together should be and that this allowed you to deepen your relationship with your son, if you had held onto the pictures it would have been very different.
Do we allow all of these photos of what life is, to become paper-mache masks we wear? What are others seeing when we are wearing our masks?
Yes this allows for a freedom of expression and a letting go of reactions and can restore harmony where there has been conflict, It sometimes requires us to let ourselves be seen and felt in our fragility and rawness and can show us the power in humility.
I can feel how for me the pictures I have on life can have many different reasons behind them, like stories, and then run like pre-programming in life – how freeing it becomes to remove these and allow new choices according to what is felt in any moment.
Yes we do hold pictures on many aspects of our life. The undoing of them one by one, is our way to go and in that, as portrayed so beautiful in this blog, we do connect more with the essence of ourselves and of life and in that can see one another for the truly beautiful people they are, whatever their choices in life are.
Yes. And the space this allows for respectful understanding is an incredible foundation for true relationship… picture and expectation free.
‘So we enjoyed the rest of our trip and continued to enjoy a deeper relationship with each other, even though our daily choices are completely opposite in life.’ This quote made me realise something very clearly – that relationships are building and developing all the time and that without pictures they are free to do so respectfully and lovingly, how ever different our choices may look. I love this article – the understanding, respect and grace shared is inspiring.
Its fascinating to unravel the myriad of images that much of the time we are unconsciously aligned to.
By the very notion of booking a holiday, a compartmentalised window where everything will be “ok”, we are already being invited to calculate pictures. The consistency of our rhythms is what supports us to jump out of the expected box.
The world we live in actively encourages pictures at every turn. Advertising is all about selling a picture. We attempt to buy or create the picture we seek without realising we’ve been sold a lie. But perhaps we are the ones lying to ourselves all along as deep down we all know truth.
I agree, Sarah. A holiday is a special time which can be quite different, giving us the opportunity to make some temporary changes and to see how they work out, to try something new.
I wonder what would happen if the pictures get aligned before the start of the holiday. If the pictures are too different it may not be worthwhile to go together on a holiday. On the other hand such a discussion before the start of the holiday may also make the holiday more enjoyable as there can be agreement about everyone’s expectations.
An awesomely honest and a very relatable sharing Adele which clearly demonstrates that whenever we hold pictures of how we expect something to be we are inevitably setting ourselves up to be disappointed, sad, frustrated or even angry. No pictures – no set up!
Adele, great blog about getting underneath the pictures we hold and I really understand when you say if 2 people have a picture then they will clash – and for me this is a key point a revelation – we will never all get along together if we have picture or ideas of the way we want things to be and we will always end up with conflict if we stick to a preconceived idea or ideal. It is amazing quite how much pictures we hold onto about life get in the way of us simply being with each other.
Adele I am always impressed with your sharing, and often I find that I have been offered a new way of relating in this world. I was trying to imagine how I would have felt in the same situation when my children were younger. I am not sure I could have been as allowing as you were with a 12yr. old! So lovely to see the development of relationships and the letting go of the expectations and pictures that you speak of.
Another glorious article, Adele, and in this one you have clearly, simply and eloquently delineated the significance and impact of holding images, or expectations, of how we want things to be has on how we experience life.
When we have expectations that others will fit into our picture to make it picture-perfect for us we are imposing control over another, and if we compromise ourselves to fit the picture of another we are not being who we truly are. The ideals and beliefs that frame our picture are very restricting.
This pictures we have are expectations and made to frustrate us, because they will never truly fulfill. And even when life does occur to develop as expected – the next picture/expectation does follow immediately. You share a great example here Adele to see how we can let life unfold without controlling it. And the great thing is: things (specially relationships) can and will happen, which I never imagined. Cause our mind is limited where life is infinite.
This is so supportive Adele and I love how you welcomed the opportunity ‘to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means’. I am recognising that I am still affected by the pictures my late mother had of what it was to be a mother and imposing those on my daughter and feeling frustrated when she reacts/ignores my expectations! I can feel how in deepening my relationship with myself my other relationships expand as I challenge the pictures I have and make the choice to let them go.
There are four things that emanate from us ‘naturally’. They are of a different nature though. The first is what belongs deep to our being. This, which is only one of beauty and deep love, is something very foundational and very personal in its expression. The second has to do with choices we have made before the first incarnation. What results from is a profound alignment which informs our way of living and shapes what we feel is natural. The third are patterns lived during our past lives. They are here with us ‘naturally.’ The fourth are images we have bought, possibly not in this life but in previous ones. The third and the fourth have a strong hold on us. They are not part of US; yet they are part of us until we are able to renounce them, freeing ourselves from them. Breaking free from what imprisons us always permit more of us to come up. Joy is always a result of that.
Our pictures can really play havoc with us, especially when we let them define and rule us.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” Not only conflict but also a hurt that the other person does not fulfil our wishes, an emptiness which needs the picture to be completed. i love how you say Adele ‘What I have observed is also a very precious opportunity, and no doubt an ongoing one, for me to let go of the pictures of what being a mother is and to start rediscovering what being a woman with parenting duties means.’ Identification by pictures is an insidious pattern that makes woman go into only mothering and leaving the most precious relationship with who they are, a beautiful woman behind. At least this is what I have done in previous years and see with a lot of other mothers in my surroundings.
Your sharing is exposing how much I still hang on to pictures, being a good mother, being a good wife etc. and how much life is governed and ruled by those pictures. Those pictures are often loaded with emotions , we often are not aware of . So getting free of the pictures is getting free of emotions and expectations.
A great blog Adele that shows other aspects of our life when we look at relationships we are in. It is the foundation that is crucial here in order for both parties to be truly respected and honoured for their choices. There are so many pictures on how to parent, entertain children and control their every move. I have witnessed many families on holidays sitting miserably around the breakfast table fighting over what they want to do and the voting system is the last resort to keep the peace. It often has me asking what quality are we living in before we head out on a family holiday?
Living by pictures is so detrimental to building relationships. Because you don’t get angry at pictures we get angry because our pictures are smashed by another not playing their part.
A very thought provoking article Adele. I feel the same principles can be applied to any relationship, even friendship. But in the example you gave, it is particularly difficult to let go of pictures because being a “mother’ must have more images than any other relationship! Thanks for sharing your process.
“The two pictures do not need to be conflicting in truth, but when we carry only our own picture and do not provide space for understanding another’s picture, conflict arises.” I had the same experience recently Adele having expectations of how things would be and then when they weren’t being disappointed. From that I have realised that remaining true to myself and honouring and respecting the other persons choices, without trying to fit a picture I have created of how I think it will/should be, is a far more harmonious way and enjoyable experience.
Imagine if we literally walked about in life with massive canvasses depicting what we think is right. Imagine how difficult everyday life would be, just buying groceries or going to the cafe – all the time juggling these pictures in your hand to make sure the frame didn’t hit anyone. What I read in what you say Adele is living with pictures in our head is just as uncomfortable and difficult as this ‘real world’ situation would be. And wow if we have a few pictures about things in our life how full our hands would be. No wonder it’s a big relief to let them go.
Great thoughtful post Adele, the spaciousness of not having any picture, expectation or ideal way to be with one’s family, or anyone, feels solid and understanding. It’s when we have those pictures/ideals/expectations, that a force comes through and the other person being/feeling imposed upon, ends up giving their choice(s) away, leading to resentment later on, or a running away. Allow someone the respectful space, and they don’t leave, and enjoy truly.
I have experienced this too Adele, requesting or asking others to come and do something with me because I think it will be good for us, which is coming from an image of what I want to achieve in a relationship but this doesn’t allow to truly see why the relationship is the way it is, we are all personally holding onto pictures and have patterns which we live by, and being asked to change that is something we don’t like!