Why is it that when we hear the words domestic violence, people often look the other way or feel very uncomfortable? It’s as if we don’t really want to know that it exists and think if we talk in hushed tones, others won’t overhear what we are saying.
In the media and throughout the community it is not given enough airtime or is toned down considerably. In fact, it is now called ‘domestic violence,’ when in reality is it simply an extreme form of abuse.
The statistics for domestic violence in Australia are shocking to say the least and expose just what really goes on behind closed doors in our ‘lucky country.’ These statistics don’t include the many incidences that go unreported.
When one woman is killed in Australia every week by a current or former partner (1), it is not an exaggeration to say domestic violence is a serious issue that needs addressing. Even if ‘only’ one woman was killed per year, it should be enough to send alarm bells throughout the community and the media.
The more serious cases might be reported, but equally harming are the cases that are not reported and accepted as ‘normal’ or diminished in everyday society due to the woman feeling that they don’t have the strength to report such incidences from lack of self-worth or fears for their own life.
There are so many women who are living on eggshells, tip-toeing around their partner like prisoners in their own homes, feeling powerless and anxious about how to leave their situation without further abuse, and at times simply doing everything possible to survive.
Our governments and politicians work tirelessly to ensure that our borders and country remain safe and protected from any terrorist threat or attack. Yet that same focus and commitment does not secure the gates and picket fences of suburbia. The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.
Sure, we need to do whatever it takes to keep our country safe from a terrorist attack or threat, but if we are considering the safety of our citizens, then we need to look at what is happening in our homes every day.
It seems we have ‘normalised’ this type of abuse to the point that it doesn’t affect us or we turn a blind eye. Some might suggest ignorance is bliss, but these households are anything but bliss for women and children. And this is not just about women and children – men also experience abuse at alarming rates as well. Our teens also need support with the abuse and bullying they are experiencing everyday via social media or at school. It is obvious that there is a real need for many to feel heard and supported to know how to cope with abuse, and in how to leave an abusive relationship.
To bring any true change, we could begin by speaking more freely about the subtle forms of abuse in our relationships with others and explore the abuse we are encountering in our own lives, no matter how small or large this may be.
What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse? If we don’t look at the more subtle forms of abuse, we may never be willing to look at how we can heal and address the darker and deeper forms of it.
I know for myself, I wasn’t willing to look at the abuse I lived with in my own life. I was abusing myself with food, unhealthy behaviours, drama and those self-deprecating thoughts that I would continually beat myself up with. Is it little wonder I wasn’t more proactive when abuse entered my own relationship? It wasn’t until I began to address the abuse I lived with from myself and others that I realised the cycle of abuse I had come to think as me was in truth miles away from the loving and precious woman I am, and that it was time to really honour myself and treat myself with love and respect.
So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way. The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself. It was the simple things like eating more nurturing foods, having a walk, not allowing any self-deprecating thoughts, going to bed early, and surrounding myself with supportive and loving friends that made a significant difference to how I felt every day.
Then, over time, I became more willing to see the abuse I had accepted from myself and others without any judgment or self-bashing. From there, my commitment to not turning a blind eye to the abuse around me grew. I began to see all the areas of abuse, both large and small, that I had conveniently turned away from before.
I now know that when we stay silent or ‘keep the peace’ to avoid rocking the boat, we can end up staying in an arrangement that gives abuse a louder voice.
It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society.
If we look abuse in the eyes instead of retreating as I once did, it becomes a powerful tool for change. It doesn’t need our aggression or retaliation, simply a willingness to stand up and speak out against even the smallest of abuses with each other and with ourselves.
And yes, it would be ideal to have governments, politicians and the appropriate authorities ensure that those who offend with this type of abuse, either in the community or online, are made more accountable for their damaging actions. But this must not take away from the fact of the responsibility we all hold, how powerful we are as individuals and as a collective, to stand up and say no to abuse in all its forms.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein)
References:
- Aic.gov.au. (2017). Homicide in Australia: 2010–11 to 2011–12: National Homicide Monitoring Program report. [online] Available at: http://www.aic.gov.au/publications/current%20series/mr/21-40/mr23.html [Accessed 6 Dec. 2017].
By Anna Douglass, International Flight Attendant, Mother, dedicated student of the Ageless Wisdom, Australia
Related Reading:
Domestic violence … Are we All Responsible for the Cycle of Abuse?
“Why did you stay?” An Insight into Abuse
Behind Closed Doors
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
We are incredibly powerful, both as one, and united together, and need to say ‘No’ to any form of abuse, ‘the responsibility we all hold, how powerful we are as individuals and as a collective, to stand up and say no to abuse in all its forms.’
Abuse starts with those little snide comments that run us down, and or making a joke about us or others and when this is not curtailed then it can lead to more and more aggressive behaviour’s, so stopping abuse start when we first allow this type of insidious behaviour to go unchecked as it will escalate into more abhorrent behaviour’s.
Yes, those little snide comments that run us down is an insidious form of abuse, ‘What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse?’
Anna you have posed an interesting yet distressing piece of information, its a global issue. Domestic violence (DV) within the home of any kind is unacceptable. Why and how as human beings, have we got to this state?
Working in the health care industry, I observe more and more DV and it is becoming more and more violent, and sometimes scary, to the fact that even health care professionals are being affected, because of the retaliation to their own wellbeing.
There is a root cause to this evil, not only for the offender but also the enabler. I don’t have any suggestions or magic solutions however I hope that more and more women, like yourself will one day say, enough is enough and take back their right to live equally as another.
When I look at the abuse in my life I am more willing to deal with it and speak about it with others without tippy toeing around the subject. It allows others to see they can be the same around the subject of abuse (or any subject for that matter).
When we abuse ourselves in small ways with food or lack of self-care this becomes a norm so we accept ever increasing harm and this is the same with domestic violence where what may seem trivial forms of abuse can fester and infect every part of life.
Any form of abuse has to be called out and outed, ‘If we don’t look at the more subtle forms of abuse, we may never be willing to look at how we can heal and address the darker and deeper forms of it.’
Yes it is sickening to say but yes we have a society normalised abuse.
I remember having a friend who was in utter shock when I called her stupid once, she couldn’t believe that I would insult her in such a manner. On the other hand, I couldn’t believe that she reacted so strongly. I was so used to the insults I hurled at family members & them back at me that it was completely normal to call another person stupid, ugly, fat and so on. But her disbelief shocked me to see that we can have different standards & not allow such type of communication.
Viktoria, I have observed aggression unfortunately in certain cultures where the woman is classed as second or third class citizen. Where has this come from?
Coming from the background that I come from, women are suppressed from the day they were born, I have felt that from a long time. As women we have also allowed this, a generational curse passed on and there will be a breaking point, as this imbalance cannot and will not occur for ever.
Women and men in their true essence mean the world will be a harmonious place to live in, evil cannot prevail for ever.
Because we don’t set standards in the home, abuse is regarded as normal. It is interesting also to observe that for many abuse is something they see coming at them or see out in the world, tut tutting at how bad things are, but do we ever stop to consider that it is not ok to get frustrated at strangers when they are providing a service on a help line, for example, or that we tell our kids to be quiet in a way that makes them feel like they are a waste of space? It is interesting that this quote, which is an awesome one, was uttered by a man who could not stay faithful to his wife and who was self disregarding.. Easy perhaps to say but to truly inspire, what is said has to be lived by the body that says it – only then mountains are moved.
Silence is what allows domestic violence to proliferate. In fact it is our silence that feeds it and grows it. So when the silence initially stops, there is backlash that happens. And hence people often step back into the silence as they feel not equipped to handle the backlash and are not willing to go the full way. This applies to any form of abuse in any house and home, not matter how small or big.
Yes Henrietta, until we call out the energy of it, the abuse simply magnifies. When we are silent we do not remain untouched – the circulation of the abuse keeps going as our reactions, whether they are unspoken or not, keep feeding the pool of energy from where that abuse comes from. It is this magnification that leads to the overwhelm, nip it in the bud and we need not feel powerless in the face of the force.
Interestingly on payroll systems they now have ‘domestic violence’ paid leave or compensation sections too! I was pretty surprised about this in terms of how much it has become the norm in our society to the point where we consider this with wages. It also makes me question how much responsibility we are taking or not taking as a society when we add this to the payroll systems whilst not really addressing it otherwise (or we could say the current means of addressing this is not really giving any lasting results)?
“it was time to really honour myself and treat myself with love and respect.” Thanks Anna for your blog, it’s come at a time where I feel open to examining abuse in my life and getting rid of it. I appreciated your words also on it not being about judgement or self bashing, that it can be a learning experience for everyone involved and dealt with quite lovingly.
Yes, it is important to look at how we maybe abusing ourselves, ‘I wasn’t willing to look at the abuse I lived with in my own life. I was abusing myself with food, unhealthy behaviours, drama and those self-deprecating thoughts that I would continually beat myself up with.’
Living in the UK I was interested to know what the statistics where for the UK for domestic violence. Again the figures are shocking ‘In the year ending March 2018, an estimated 2.0 million adults aged 16 to 59 years experienced domestic abuse in the last year (1.3 million women, 695,000 men).’ with there being a 23% increase and also this shows that domestic violence not only affects women but also men. (https://bit.ly/2Rbq1Mk). We are seeing this in much younger relationships as well now. I have known victims of domestic violence that even though they have been able to get out of the abusive relationship have still not known where to go for help or support and not felt this had been important for them. It is a very wise quote from Albert Einstein “The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” Says it all really.
If we were to collate statistics, not just on domestic abuse, but on the everyday abuses we have so normalised, I think we would be shocked. It is so common to walk down the street and overhear people yelling at each other, being bad tempered with each other, shouting at their kids, kids pushing each other and bullying each other. Just in schools alone, the amount of children who are in tears every day because of peer on peer abuse is dismissed.
Expressing what is going on, what is not acceptable, is an important part of our lives, ‘To bring any true change, we could begin by speaking more freely about the subtle forms of abuse in our relationships with others and explore the abuse we are encountering in our own lives, no matter how small or large this may be.’
With any aspect of life, when we choose to ignore something that is not okay, we are in effect planting the seed for that quality to take root and keep escalating.
As is the nature of life, it will keep coming round for us to see again and again. And when it finally arrives on our own doorstep and we are the recipient of the atrocity, do we say “it came out of the blue”? But how can we say that, when we were complicit in creating the space for it all to happen in the first place.
Once we know without a doubt that we are worthy of love, only then will we say an absolute no to any form of abuse.
Until each one of us are very honest about the abuse in our own backyards and within ourselves then little will change out in the world.
We need to be honest and express all that is not love, ‘It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society.’
Governments can pass law after law in an attempt to reduce the shocking levels of abuse in our societies but these will simply be paper band-aids, which will keep falling off exposing the rot underneath them. It is when society as a whole comes to understand that the extreme forms of abuse, that we read and hear about daily, begin in the lives of each and every one of us, as small and usually acceptable forms of abuse, that we may finally have the understanding as to how to begin the much needed healing process; one that starts with us.
Most of us when we think about domestic violence we think of physical violence, but it is known that people can be psychologically and financially abused also. Its very true that we although many of us in our relationships may not sustain any violence in our relationships, but we may accept things that could be considered as not caring or not loving. Its important that we take the steps to be more caring and more loving of ourselves first, then this provides the foundations for all relationships and what we will and won’t accept.
It’s true Jennifer, and we may accept abuse because we consider it lesser than the more extreme forms, we use comparison of something much worse to allow abuse in subtler forms in our lives.
Anything that is not love is a form of abuse, it is important to only express love, ‘It doesn’t need our aggression or retaliation, simply a willingness to stand up and speak out against even the smallest of abuses with each other and with ourselves.’
In normalising domestic abuse we have made it somehow acceptable because the abuse is done by someone we know.
It sounds hard to fathom but many of us, women, men, teenagers, children don’t realise they can leave an abusive disrespectful relationship. I was saying to a group of teenagers the other day that if they feel they are in a unhealthy relationship then they have every right and deserve not to be. Some believe they don’t deserve anything better or more and that in lies a problem because if we don’t say no to abuse then we are saying yes, even when we don’t want it.
“The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack”. This is a great point. Perhaps the Government and the media put lots of effort into things like terrorism because its sensational and a problem that is ‘out there’ rather than us having to face the daily issues in our homes.
If we ignore the more subtle forms of abuse, telling ourselves it’s not that bad, soon we’re putting up with the more extreme forms of abuse, especially when what love is, gets skewed. I’ve been in relationships where I have let someone slowly degrade my sense of self because I was so desperate to be loved (rather than connect to the love inside that I am), and had such low self worth that I chased any crumb of approval whilst pretending to be confident and strong on the outside.
There is a lot of public awareness around domestic violence and this is a great thing but really nothing will chance until both men and women start to address the hurts they both carry and do something about it.
Yes, and stop going to war with each other using all sorts of weaponry from verbal put-downs and slights, to physical fights.
We did an assignment in class today where we needed to graph our family relationships and what they were like over generations. What was clear and very exposing for many was the amount of abuse in all forms and hostility between couples. We would be horrified if someone we didn’t know abused us, yet we allow abuse in our families because they’re family or they’re our partner. Abuse is abuse no matter who is acting it out and it should never be tolerated.
How do we treat ourselves, are we honouring, respectful and loving towards our bodies, ‘the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’
“So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.” When one has low self-esteem ( that is fed by the abuser) it is hard to view the reality of the situation. Self-honouring, self-care and appreciation are great antidotes.
““The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein) This quote has stayed with me for years – ever since my twenties. If we just look on and do nothing we are complicit in whatever act we are viewing, and this an enabler.
Agreed Sue its like we know something is not true, not loving and yet we allow it. When we allow abuse but don’t stop it are we not the enabler of that abuse?
A teacher once said something similar in our secondary school assembly, and it stayed with me throughout my life, but I never took what was said and associated it with any other act of abuse, only fighting. Now I can see that there are many forms of abuse and not speaking up is one of them.
It seems that we do not want to call out the abuse because we will have to take responsibility for the ways in which we have or do contribute to the abuse – it could be as simple as not calling out the abuse to ourselves.
This is a much needed conversation as we are all suffering from abuse whether it is self-inflicted or from others around us. And as you say Anna we have normalized this behaviour. If we are abusive towards ourselves then it feels easy to be abusive towards others as it would feel natural. So it makes complete sense to me to start with ourselves but then we have to recognise that we are self-abusive and then ask why we are abusive? For me it starts with my thoughts realising that they are so self-deprecating and I continually beat myself up with them. If I am doing this to myself I wonder how many more people do this to themselves?
It’s clear from reading this that abuse is in every part of our lives in some shape or form.
domestic violence sounds so innocuous, and yet it is killing and wounding more people than most wars. Time to name it for it really is, and stop hiding this terrible behaviour we are allowing in our own homes.
Sadly we live in a world where abuse is normalised and not taken as seriously as it should be. In the UK a new head of police was saying that they do not have enough staff to cover things like media abuse and abuse in general and she wants to focus on criminals and serious crime. What if abuse leads on to criminal activity? There is a lot more abuse in the world than there is criminal activity, and for me it does not feel true to ignore something that affects so many people that desperately need support when confronted and stuck in abusive situations.
Normalised? Abuse is actually sought after – if you observe many relationships, partners joke on each other’s insecurities. The little jokes we make about our partner and their faults in the constant dig to bring them down just a notch so that they don’t realise their potential and ask us to step into our own. Insidious creatures we are, but if we dont’ dig deep and look underneath the surface our lives will always look honkey dory but our hearts will contract and contract and contract until one day we no longer feel like we have one.
So true – we only hear about domestic violence when someone gets killed or something drastic happens. And every time this happens, the government is blamed, the system that is supposed to offer support, intervene and prevent this from happening is blamed for their failure, and I am wondering where we see ourselves ordinary people fit in this picture. There’s definitely an air where I live in general that says ‘I don’t want to get involved’ and we shut ourselves tight from our neighbours and alike, even though we might be gossiping about them. I am beginning to wonder if there’s demand for this whole set-up. It sounds horrible, but a part of the game we all are playing, an entertainment, really. We definitely don’t want to consider the possibility, let alone admit that we are allowing the abuse, and what you say about saying no to abuse by going back to self-loving choices is just huge.
Domestic violence is not special. Anyone can experience it. It is usually self-inflicted because we have allowed it, by choosing not to be aware of our preciousness and we are blinded by ideals and beliefs that do not allow us to see how deeply sacred we are. We move in ways that do not respect ourselves and invite disrespect from others. When we see how shocking this is, we do not need to indulge in alarm, but simply moving back towards love in every step is the only and sure way to re-correct.
When I look at all the times that I have allowed myself to be abused by others, I can so clearly see how I had already dropped my self love and respect for myself, by aligning to thoughts of low self worth. It was then easy for others to do the same to me, because it was of the same frequency and vibration of self abusive energy that I was already in, so it didn’t stand out as the abuse that it was. This happens less frequently, the more I build my body and can feel and say no to those thoughts for what they are- an energy that doesn’t belong in my body.
It really does start with each of us taking responsibility for the quality of energy we are in, and committing to not allowing anything less than love, to the best of our ability.
‘If we look abuse in the eyes instead of retreating as I once did, it becomes a powerful tool for change.’ That is such a great way to look at it, it’s very easy to get caught in how we abuse ourselves and then abuse ourselves further by bashing ourselves that we abuse ourselves; it can be a never ending cycle, but seeing abuse as a point to see how we can deepen in our self honouring and how in fact it’s showing us that there is another level to that honouring changes that, and opens us up to seeing even more and honouring more and more.
We are born from love and as such the entire nature of our true being is LOVE. To live divorced of this love is our deepest hurt. Such an existence creates bruises on our being well before any physical mark may manifest upon our skin.
Its good to be reminded of how precious and sensitive we are, and not to become inured and numb by the shocking behaviours we have allowed to become our normal.
Abuse escalates often via stealth and incrementally and, as you say, everyone has the responsibility to call it out for what it is; if not, we end up accepting as ‘normal’ what is in fact heinous and pernicious.
I can feel the love from you in this article which is the only antidote to abuse.
When we turn a blind eye in one area of our life not only that part turns dark for us but many other areas become inaccessible for us.
And how wise Albert Einstein is and refers us to feel into a deeper wisdom — that is “The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein)
How can we understand this level of thinking? Or better said, how can we live in a way that allows such clear mind?
We hear stories of abuse everyday new numb ourselves to them and we also know of abuse in our lives, that is horrific and life damaging and yet we still put a face on as we go into the world and are not honest about the devastation in our lives. Abuse is an endemic, and it is at every level of our lives and the more honest we are about it, the more free we are. We are making ourselves sick by denying it.
It is very hard to understand how people stay in relationships that are abusive, and yet for those trapped in those relationships, they really do feel that there is no way out. We must talk about this more and more so that people can see the light really at the end of the tunnel.
Our silence speaks very loudly and we cannot wait for the laws of society to speak up before we speak up. It is for us to set the standard and to call our laws and government to fall in line with that standard as it seems we may be waiting a long time for it to happen the other way around.
It is a stark and horrific contrast to read about the borders of our countries being fervently protected while there are men, women and children who do not feel safe in their own homes from the people they live with every day. And whilst I understand and am aware of the many organisations and the people within them that work extremely well to support people in these situations, they are also overloaded with cases and are struggling to stand up against the tide of human atrocities that are happening within our own country borders. Therefore, it is time for some of the bigger parts of life to be addressed, such as how we as a nation entertain ourselves? How we educate our children? What values we live by in the work place? If there was ever a time for reform this would be now. But not a political one that just gives more power to those who crave it, rather a human reformation of the standards by which we are all willing to live by – but – this would require some pretty major role-models to come out and live openly with the love and the harmlessness that they know to be truly serving for all of mankind. So the real call out here is for those who know love to step up and be seen – this is how things will change, otherwise we are lost and going no where.
Domestic violence has always been normalised – in the laws that allow one person to beat other family members, in large sunglasses that hide black eyes and much else.
It is as though what goes on behind closed doors is somehow excluded and doesn’t concern anyone but those directly involved.
None of us really want to know that we accept abuse everyday in one form or another. The only way to address the issue of abuse is to get very honest about this fact and let ourselves feel that there can be another standard to live by.
I’m not sure there is anything worse that not feel at ease or safe in your own home. So many people are under the pressure of domestic abuse in a variety of ways. How is it as a world we change this? The Ageless Wisdom teachings have shown me this starts with me, with changing my own self-abuse to care, and to being that point of inspiration for all I meet.
And then to read about how, during the World Cup football matches, how domestic violence surges… And we applaud this game.
I hadn’t read that Chris but it is well worth looking into further isn’t it. We cannot simply take that and look the other way.
Anna thank you for your blog, it is a great reminder of how easily we accept abuse both from ourselves and others, it is not until we start to observe and deal with our own self-abuse and honour ourselves, that we start to observe how dishonouring others are towards us too.
Once we notice, we can then make changes to stop the abuse and in many cases it is enough to change our own behaviour and the abuse stops.
We often think of domestic violence as being something someone else does but if we are dismissive towards those we live with in any way then that is domestic violence. The more we open up to what abuse really is the more honest we will become about how much abuse we allow.
We do see domestic violence as something that happens to others and not worthy of reporting on or disturbing the reading population of the general public who subscribe to newspapers. But what if every day every single domestic violence case was listed on one page of a newspaper to get us to understand how prevalent it is and to what extent we are ignoring this issue. I suspect it would be an eye-opener for most of us.
The levels of debilitating harm that comes from this abuse starts from the subtle doubts that over time have to use second guessing our true wisdom and allow the head to take over from the ever-responding body.
I saw recently on social media that incidents of domestic violence rise when a country looses a big match. The world cup in football is now on and there will only be one final winner……
This is a very beautiful article Anna. Beautiful, even though it’s subject is horrible, because of how you hold up the truth and let it be seen for what is.
Verbal abuse has become a norm these days in all kinds of circumstances. People seem to think that not only is it their right but an acceptable practice to say what they want and in the tone they want. Often I think to myself, would you want your mother, wife or daughter to be spoken to in that manner? The crime here is that no one is born that way.
To make abuse going it takes more than two. The abuser, the abused and the others who play bystanders because are uncapable of differentiating abuse and normal behaviour. Abuse, only grows where there is social permission for it.
The sad truth here being that because we have not normalised love, we have normalised its very counter – abuse.
So true Liane – a big ouch when I read your words.
wow, this post really struck a chord with me. I decided after 12 years of domestic abuse (which resulted in me having to relocate with my children) to finally be brave enough to write about my experience in the hopes that it raises awareness.
We can get more used to hearing about a type of abuse or more used to seeing it if it is happening all the time solely because the shock or impact isn’t the same after a while, but we should never normalise it or think that it is ok in any way.
Looking at abuse in the eyes instead of retreating immediately exposes it for what it is – the awareness of this is definitely a game changer.
If we can, and we do, normalize self-abuse then we can normalize anything.
It is not ok to ignore any form of abuse. Not only for the sake of the one being abused, but the fact is since love , care and harmony is the true nature of every one of us, the one who is abusing is also showing the signs that they themselves are deep down not so well.
” But this must not take away from the fact of the responsibility we all hold, how powerful we are as individuals and as a collective, to stand up and say no to abuse in all its forms.” If we don’t stand up and say no we are ennablers and no better than perpetrators ourselves.
I agree, we have to set the standard without further delay and inspire others to do the same.
There is a saying…”the abuse we walk past is the abuse we accept”. We don’t like to think that we accept a certain level of abuse, but in what you have shared Anna I can see that we do. Even though it may not be so obvious or in its extreme forms such as domestic violence. But through the care we show to ourselves, that which is not love stand out more and more.
This is a very smart tactic and follows on from my earlier comment about addressing the microcosm so that the effects are seen in the macrocosm: “What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse? If we don’t look at the more subtle forms of abuse, we may never be willing to look at how we can heal and address the darker and deeper forms of it.”
It is very interesting how we can get de-sensitized to what we see around us or what we experience in relationships as being abusive. It also appears that everyone has different standards for what is acceptable and what is not – so for one person to step away from a physically abusive relationship to a verbally abusive one is a great step to celebrate however, the violence is still there and nothing has really changed. Same could be said for a person who steps away from a verbally abusive relationship to another relationship with is emotionally manipulative. This too is a great step in the ‘right’ direction (if there is such a thing), but once again nothing has really changed… Until such time that we say no to all forms of abuse in all their myriad of ways of masquerading themselves. And as Anna has shared, this begins with being honest about what standard we hold our relationship with ourselves at first and foremost at, and how we can grow and deepen this first. Hence the ripple effects of the changes in the microcosm and how this then allows for true change in the macrocosm.
The more we see abuse the more we are offered the subtle ways abuse can be lived in our world. Seeing more allows us the choice to live a deeper connection to what we know is more loving and reflect this to others. A choice to say YES to more love.
Abuse comes in so many forms… None of which are acceptable…… And when we start to know ourselves truly, who we truly are, it will most certainly disappear, because it is not who we are.
Giving voice to what we feel is abusive in this world is a very powerful choice to make. It outs the subtleties of where it is in our lives and provides a platform from which we can make different choices, ones that do not include any abuse. Choices that others observe and maybe, if they wish to, they too can begin the process of eliminating it from their lives. Such a domino affect could eradicate abuse from our society.
We are at a stage in Australia where the government has realised they are not going to make the targets they set for reducing the rates of domestic violence they set when Rosie Batty started her campaign. The truth is they really have not considered why domestic abuse happens. You share here how we have to be prepared to look at where we allow abuse in our own lives and what we have taken as normal and it seems to me this is the only way to address abuse in the world – by addressing what might be abusive in our own lives so we can actually see the level we have accepted as normal that is not normal at all.
Well said Lucy, and hence until such time that we are ready to really look at it and deal with it honestly, it will remain as an issue. We can ‘battle’ it till we go blue in the face, but the reality is that so long as we have our attachments and reason for holding onto these violent situations, they will continue to plague us. For we hold onto them when there is something we get out of it, however strange this may seem as witnessed with many women who return over and over again to abusive relationships rather than saying no once and for all. I was once in an abusive relationship and stayed in it till such time that I had had enough, but at that point I was also willing to realise that I had to let go of my attachment to being in a relationship and the fact that I could feel how sensitive my partner was and I was scared of hurting him by leaving. And yet this was exactly what was needed for both of us to grow and learn and evolve. Bottom line is that nothing will change till we are actually truly ready and want the change.
I am touched by your reminder that one of the reasons you found it hard to leave is because you knew how sensitive he was and you didn’t want to hurt him. It would be so easy to stay locked into the hurt of what he had done but what you shared is that there is so much more to a person than their behaviour.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein) I like this, as there is no judgment just an observation, which actually says, hey all we have to to is act upon the awareness that we have. Nobody asks you to come up with anything just live and express in the world all that you deep down know, feel and see.
We all know that we deserve to live in a safe home therefore when we hear about domestic violence it goes against everything that we know to be true which is one reason why we want to turn a blind eye to it. The truth is we abuse ourselves constantly through the way that we live therefore we are going to accept abuse from others and not even call it abuse as it seems so normal until eventually it gets so bad that we have to take a step back and realise that if we stop abusing ourselves we will be able to say no to abuse from others.
The moment I doubt myself, I have gone into abusing myself and this simple movement of dismissiveness that occurs instantly is deeply destroying. How can I do that to myself? And if that is not enough, I then can go into anger towards myself and feel sad because I am hurt for not speaking up.Yet, on the other hand I also feel an appreciation, an appreciation for that which has come my way to heal, something I have known especially recently but chose to avoid the responsibility to address it.
Abuse is more easily seen these days, from TV news reports, newspapers, magazines… A kind of shock and sensationalised reporting of awful things… Maybe we have ‘normalised’ abuse as a way of numbing ourselves – a form of protection – from the absolute horror of it?
Yes, I would agree, it is so prolific and even from organisations we have seen as good, that we numb ourselves or turn a blind eye just to cope.
Yet each time we turn a blind eye we say it is OK because someone else is on the receiving end and it is not affecting us personally. My sense is that is how it works – it targets so it doesn’t get a mass uprising until it has such a stranglehold that even a mass uprising doesn’t have the footprint needed to address it and effect lasting change.
Calling out abuse has to come from within ourselves first to have any truth and value in the world and makes all he difference to our imprint of abuse in the world to one of love .
“I now know that when we stay silent or ‘keep the peace’ to avoid rocking the boat, we can end up staying in an arrangement that gives abuse a louder voice.” This is the stark realisation for those of us who thought that keeping quiet to not ‘rock the boat’ was the way forward, as we would not then have to deal with the potential onslaught of what may come our way. But it is clear that in doing this that the abuse is given the green light to continue as there is nothing stopping it.
Saying ‘no’ to abuse always has to start with how we are with ourselves otherwise it is as if we are wearing a placard that says, “abuse me”.
Domestic violence or any-form-of-abuse, simply can-not happen when we are energetically connected to our divine essence! So what energy are we connected to when we allow our-selves to be lesser than this divine connection? Could it be we are aligning to the ill energy because we do not understand how energy works? Or is it possible that what we understand about and the way energy works that we are unaware how it can effect us? And it is only when we have a purpose and commitment to True Love, which is our divine connection that we start to see the trees from the woods and thus how energy is working in and through us!
I love what you say about self-honouring, Anna, as something that replaces abuse as we build it into our lives. ‘Not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way…’ is a point of inspiration that I cannot yet claim to have nailed – self-doubt creeps in quite regularly and so being honest about the insidious abuse this is, stops me being complacent about it.
I like that you have brought it back to being aware of the moment to moment abuse that is always trying to come back in to our thoughts. This lack of internal complacency about our own self-abuse feels key to not accepting the lowering of standards in society around things such as abuse.
Abuse is so prolific in our heads that it has to turn outplay in life in the form of violence. Only when we live in a way that is living to ourselves first will we not even entertain abuse.
Our silence indeed allows the domestic abuse in society starting form our own lives and all the simplest things that we do and allow to happen.. This is presented in a true and supportive way and understanding of the difference we can make in starting to honour and love ourselves more and more and in this the abuse becomes obvious and no longer acceptable for ourselves and hence of everywhere.
Have we normalised abuse? Have we ever! It is shocking what we allow or turn a blind eye too these days as we don’t want to take responsibility and see that we are all a part of it.
This is great Rosie, can I add to what you have shared by sharing about “responsibility”, and by being responsible we start to understand that what we are dealing with is an energy that is simply changing us from the decent and respect-full people that we are into abusive behaviours, and this will be when we turn the corner on abuse behavioural energies and see it for where it is coming from, then we will stop sweeping it under the carpet or maybe the rug will be pulled from under our feet so we will see clearly the mud we are in.
Yes it is great to see that the abusive behaviour stems from an energy that we have allowed to run us as naturally, we are not abusive. It is not who we are.
So if we do not know that we are being controlled by energy and thus we still come up with these terrible behaviours, could it be that we can come to a position where we hate these energies that control us and humanity?
We have normalised drinking alcohol, even excessive drinking of alcohol. This then perforce normalises violence of all kinds.
All my life I have been aware of the devastating knock on effects of drinking alcohol… I reckon we all are, but bury our awareness in a world that says this is ‘normal’… this is a tragic state of affairs.
Domestic violence and abuse have been around for many millennia. Albert Einstein was trying to wake us up last century about it, but we have allowed it to continue. As the awareness increases, we will all start shouting louder that this cannot continue.
“I began to see all the areas of abuse, both large and small, that I had conveniently turned away from before” – Anna this is very relatable, having dealt with much of the abuse i allowed in my life, i’ve been finding how the deeper the self-love and self-honour the greater the realisation is about the actual immensity of abuse i [and we all] live with, treat as normal, and is in need of healing – not through self-vilification or possible disgust but through deeper understanding and letting go to love.
Absolutely Zophia the more loving we are the more abuse sticks out like a sore thumb, that which was hidden is now seen.
When we support and empower people to regain their self worth, it becomes easier to weed out the lesser abusive behaviours and so debase the grosser acts. We all have a responsibility to raise the standards of engagement, so that respecting one another becomes a normal part of our interaction with our nearest so that they truly become our dearest.
‘It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society.’ This is a super powerful quote and call to consider whether we are prepared to speak up about the ills we encounter every day or whether we are okay with going about our business in a chosen blindness and ignorance.
Not to diminish the impact of domestic violence… but we as a humanity have made all forms of abuse our normal by not nominating it – and this starts with every one of us looking at our own lives in minute detail.
Whilst we are allowing abuse in our own lives, we are allowing abuse in the world.
If we look at the exponential expansion of obesity and the forever rapidly increasing waistlines, is this not self-abuse on a global scale? Are we also allowing to grow, that which fosters domestic violence?
Why do we have domestic violence on a global scale if we call ourselves advanced human beings and how intelligent are we when we allow abuse to exist? It is way overdue for us as a race to address the course of abuse in mass. Universal Medicine is the first and only organisation that I know who understands exactly what is going on, why we abuse ourselves and each other, and openly shares the answers to the root cause of abuse and how we can arrest this energy.
As a counsellor, I am privy to a lot of disclosure about what happens in families behind closed doors, and it still shocks me how common it is for family members to hit, thump, smack and even threaten with knives, never mind the emotional abuse of constantly diminishing and degrading one other. If this the reality of everyday life, we urgently need to examine how we are condoning this way of being in relationship and bring it to an end.
Yes, it is shocking how common, how ‘normal’ it is. What utter desperation to feel the need to behave like this.
The more we address the minor expressions of abuse, the more we erode the platform for gross abuse to occur. This calls for an astute attention to the detail in life, to restore integrity to our every movement, word and step. Might seem a tall order, but when applied brings immense and very trustworthy change.
When we understand what feeds abuse this will support us to heal the root cause. Albert Einstein’s quote exposes the evil behind what enables abuse and fuels it.
As a society we normalise what we don’t want to deal with until a problem reaches such epidemic proportions and such a level of depravity – and more importantly, affects us personally – that we can no longer turn a blind eye and are practically forced, kicking and screaming and way down the track, to pay attention, speak up and say, “enough is enough”.
Why do we have to reach a tipping point or the straw that broke the Camel’s back, before we stand up in unison and say this is enough? And, how many times is this unison of outrage a temporary form of relief, and then, we allow the issue to return so its slowly simmering away on the back burner of the stove once again?
Very true Steve, why not speak up and say it as is it. This is exactly what I have been observing within myself recently… how selective with others I can be when the moment arises to speak up and how I can hold back until there is an emotion brewing within and before I know it, I have spoken up but it is far from loving. If I am going to speak up anyway, surely it’s wise to make it about energy, not hold back and just say it as it is – no drama and no big deal!
And what lies behind our acceptance of abuse? What are we so desperate to avoid that we allow abuse of any kind to carry on? And when we do speak up is it as you say for temporary relief, Steve, or is to call out and take responsibility for true change?
“how powerful we are as individuals and as a collective, to stand up and say no to abuse in all its forms” I think it is also our power that scares us and stops us from standing up, and that we dont really allow ourselves to feel the incredible horror and harm of the fact that 1 woman is killed every week from this type of abuse.
The abuse of ourselves is so pernicious and common that we don’t even notice the criticism thoughts they are just normalised.
This is pretty crazy Vanessa, society on a massive scale has normalised abuse but find it challenging to normalise love. Something does not add up here and we have a responsibility to expose what is going on.
I can only imagine what if feels like to live in the constant fear of an abusive relationship, no one should have to live that way never knowing when it is about to kick off again. The statistics are appalling and that is not taking into account all the unreported cases. It really is a behind closed doors problem as without the stats or being directly involved in some way most of us go about our lives not knowing the full extent of the problem.
The impact of the fear on the children is also unreported but seen clearly in schools where children with emotional needs often have born witness to domestic abuse like seeing their mother strangled, beaten, shouted at or constantly belittled.
Abuse starts with the re-interpretation of words, so when we do not understand the energetic truth that words come with then we are abusing another not only with words but also our thoughts. So the depth of abuse goes beyond what is seen by the eye because it is also about a certain word that is not true.
Greg you take this right back to its route, we see abuse as something extreme but what if we looked at abuse being anything less than love and truth? Now that shows us the real state of abuse in the world.
Spot on David, with so many fingers pointing in the wrong direction is it any wonder we all get so confused!
It is a stop moment for me to think that every week a woman dies at the hand of violence from someone she knows. It is without question not acceptable for this to be the case, and yet as a society we allow it to be so. Blogs like this bring it to the attention of the world, thank you.
Yes. A very important wake up call which I know I still have a numbness to having glossed over the atrocities of how we treat each other for so long.
The statistics are shocking and this is in just one country! But what are these statistics saying about us as a human race? What is it about us as a collective that feels that any form of violence is acceptable towards ourselves or each other? This blog is highlighting that something is seriously amiss with our current way of living where we do just accept abuse as part of normal everyday life.
Abuse is abuse in any form and as we allow it in small ways this brings a tolerance that more and more extreme becomes acceptable as does the lowering of our values. Making changes in the smallest things can can make so much difference in the world if we all live and honour our truth and this is so beautiful bringing true responsibility to ourselves.
We can normalise just about anything when we want to avoid responsibility so we need to look at what our relationship with responsibility is.
My feeling is that people look the other way or look uncomfortable when domestic violence is mentioned as we all have a part to play in it… in all it’s varying shapes and sizes.
“The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.” And yet we spend billions on defence and preparation to go to war. We need to understand what leads to being so disconnected that we would even consider domestic abuse as a thing and start work there on our relationships in our own homes and our own lives. We have to start making it personal if we want to address the global problems that we deem more important.
It is crazy and shows how much of it is about the influence of the political and media influence. With their focus on red herrings rather than the stark facts.
Yes, that really gets my fired up, how much there is an agenda to distract us from the very simple way we can turn this pattern of abuse around. It simply takes a willingness to be honest and to make the difference in each and every one of our OWN lives, not focusing on what everyone else is doing but what WE are doing. One person at a time changing the world – kapow!!!
When we accept – the ‘way things are’ without discerning from a true marker we lower the benchmark and allow abuse into our lives.
We become familiar with what we accept to not have to face our own responsibility. Starting to become responsible for what we are aware of is like turning on a light and seeing things for what they are, we can then start to make changes and to discuss what is no longer acceptable as our way of life.
‘What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse? If we don’t look at the more subtle forms of abuse, we may never be willing to look at how we can heal and address the darker and deeper forms of it.’ So true Anna . We need to de-base what abuse is and not accept it in any form.
I find that there is a huge difference in my response to what goes on around me dependent on whether I am in a state of seeking security, or if I am in a state of emanating love. Nothing shows this difference more than the moments when I find myself in an abusive situation. The security seeking self will either duck and avoid facing the scenario or judge and attack, and she always comes away affected by the event. The love focused self remains steady, observing and nominating the energy at play through the people, and words if spoken have power but no harshness.
A world of difference, which points out the responsibility we each have in the self we take to any situation which in turn is dependent on the love and care we have been living.
Knowing how to leave an abusive relationship is a key life skill that requires a great deal of honesty from society about every facet of what abuse actually is – in all of its gross and most subtlest of ways.
It is abusive to think badly of ourself or another. The counter to this is to step back and do the reading.
I love the simplicity of your first sentence, Kathleen, bringing to my attention the insidious ways that our thoughts can undermine, judge, diminish and hurt us.
‘To bring any true change, we could begin by speaking more freely about the subtle forms of abuse in our relationships with others and explore the abuse we are encountering in our own lives, no matter how small or large this may be.’ Great point Anna , we need to uncover what abuse truly means and get down to the detail of the effect it has on all of us.
Sometimes I feel the world is a scary place and I understand when I feel that there is something I haven’t stood up to express both inside of me and of the external world.
Realising that we accept abuse in our lives daily is the start to saying no and choosing to make the required changes.
Just because it’s not visible doesn’t mean it is not experienced and felt.
Have we not created the mess of language by improving things that were not broken? What is a single definition of most words? Many words in the dictionary show the meaning of the word and its first recorded use and how the meaning over time has evolved or mutated into something completely different. Now is that Bad, but it depends on which meaning you implied for ‘But’. The list of bastardised words would fill a book, oh, it has it is the dictionary! Love, religion, God and abuse have just become words without meaning. Lexiconically speaking, we have trashed our vocabulary, and this is just another abuse we have allowed into our lives!
“…To bring any true change, we could begin by speaking more freely about the subtle forms of abuse in our relationships ….” Yes, there is always more space to explore and discover ways of bringing love into the way we live and move.
It is fascinating that we use words to define and communicate things.. such as abuse. Yet at the same time what we are defining can be the subject of debate itself. i.e. what one person calls abuse another may not. Studying words and their meanings based on the quality they represent is the only way I can see to bring everyone back to a common playing field of understanding. When we apply this to the word abuse it can become the smallest of things like being spoken to in a harsh tone or an aggressive gesture.
‘Domestic violence’ …what does this term actually say? Do we tend to make less of this because it is happening with the 4 walls of the family home. Traditionally domestic violence has been swept under the carpet for generations, as so called ‘keeping face’ was more important than speaking up.
‘The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack’ we have a tendancy to point blame at others rather than looking at taking responsibility for our own choices.
Great point Fiona, it is so easy to blame another rather than take responsibility for our own actions. It is only when we take responsbility for ourselves and the way we are living that things start to change around us and in the world.
Self-abuse has to be really weeded out if we are serious about saying ‘no’ to abuse in our live. It is self-abuse that opens the door and this opening allows abuse to exist in our world.
Very true Kathleen, it all starts with us and the way we treat ourselves. As this is then the way we treat others.
Domestic violence is indeed an extreme form of abuse that is being accepted and normalised with our diminishing self worth and honouring of who we all are by the way we are living in the world showing the changes that are needed to bring us back to the love and sacredness we all are.
Mental abuse is rampant and yet we say there is no physical violence so it’s not so bad…words can cause so much damage when we internalise them, the harm can be hurt and effect the relationships of everyone. We should not underestimate the damage words can do when misused, abuse does not appear as a fist, that fist stems from a much deeper illness.
Absolutely. ‘We should not underestimate the damage words can do when misused’… how many of us, in adulthood, still carry the scars and still react with behaviour that was set up by words directed at us in our childhood?
What I am most shocked by is all that we accept because it is not the most horrific end of the abuse spectrum. We somehow feel we can excuse lesser forms of abuse, perhaps because we ourselves don’t want to be called to account and made responsible for our actions which ‘aren’t as bad’ as others.
I agree! We seem to find it easier to look and comment on others than to make how we are in our own lives, with ourselves and our families equally important – be the change we want to see.
Very true – many people say ‘but at this rate, everything will be abuse’, without stopping to consider that maybe the reason very obvious forms of violence occur is because abuse is rife in society as a whole in very passive ways we overlook and whilst it may be uncomfortable we have to face this
But surely Jane we would need to recognise abuse in the first place. Many of us have for example grown up with abuse within our families so much so that it seems not pleasant but something you have to put up with. This has been my recent experience with a friend of mine, there is a lot of jealousy in the family towards them they know it feels hurtful but they are made to feel they are the problem child when actually it is the ones in the jealous rage against them. It seems to me we have lived with our lies for so long we have normalized them.
Maybe that is why we have yet to really call abuse out….we don’t want to see what we ourselves accept in our own lives and therefore contribute to the whole.
There is no abuse that is solely domestic for no matter how many walls divide us up we all get the results. To think we can let ‘small’ abuses slide or that we can get away with it and hide is the height of ignorance – for energy and this world simply do not work this way. Thank you Anna for inspiring me.
And when we accept that there is no private place that we can behave in an abusive way (to ourselves or others), that does not have an impact on the whole (the collective feeding of abusive behaviour in the world), we cannot avoid responsibility.
Simply put any abuse is not acceptable as it impacts everyone, it’s truly about responsibility.
‘These statistics don’t include the many incidences that go unreported.’ not just in relation to domestic violence and abuse but in all other areas of life – what is reported is never the whole of the situation and yet it already should be enough for us to put down all we are focused on and question what is going on and where have we gone so off track?
This is such a great point. It is so easy to point the finger and also expect someone else to sort it all out. Yet every single one of us have a part to play in shaping our world.
We all have a responsibility and it is starting with taking steps with self to make sure we are not living in any abuse.
So much power lies in not leaving things in the background and unspoken of and instead bringing them to the fore, making them the subject of our conversations, choices and actions until the background only reflects all that we are.
Abuse has become normal in all areas of our lives worldwide… but until we call out abuse within ourselves it will continue.
We have beaten this subject to death, literally. But, domestic violence still continues unabated! Everything has an origin no matter how small and it becomes the seed. As you have said, calling out the seed can stop the roots from ever forming.
When everything comes from a energy first and then into thought or action humanity would be wise to realise this and make the simple choice of what quality of energy they wish to align to. That we are naturally from which is love, or an energy which has lead to the ills, abuse and violence that we have in our lives today.
‘But this must not take away from the fact of the responsibility we all hold, how powerful we are as individuals and as a collective, to stand up and say no to abuse in all its forms.’ We really do have a responsibility. There are times when I think about should I say something over something so small I know other people may say I’m being sensitive or something. But it’s so important and even if there are comments it’s a wonderful marker for others to know it’s ok to say something.
Years ago while channel surfing, there was a boxing match that caught my attention. The two boxers were trading solid head punches. This pummeling carried on for all 15 rounds. It seemed the switch in the mind that tells the body to fall down had stopped working or was permanently disabled. What must we do to override the body to this level of self-abuse? What ripples does this send out in every other act we do?
This is a great moment to consider what we have accepted when in fact we should have said categorically that it is unacceptable.
Because of all the media we now have in our lives, internet, TV, radio, the world has become increasingly large. And yet we seem to narrow our sight more then ever.
Knowing the nature of domestic violence and how immensely difficult it is for one that is intuit situation to file a report we can confidently multiply the numbers in the statistics. Now the statistics in itself are already way past alarming so the reality is unimaginable. We can only feel the impact of statistics if we are willing to stop and contemplate on what this means for the world directly around us. By not doing this and letting the statistics just be numbers we have become numb to we are wilfully turning a blind eye.
There is a range of abuse we have come to accept as ‘normal’ such as a judging or questioning harsh glare from others, road rage, off-the-cuff curt comments, tone of voice, deliberate ignoring (there are many) … its the subtle ones that make us build a layer of protection or guard as a way to deal with and accept abuse on a general scale.. Its not Ok is it… As we develop self love, we become more and more aware of these subtle ways of abuse.
We put up with this level of abuse and pretend it did not happen,but the impact of this lasts far and beyond.
I feel that calling it domestic violence has already watered down the abuse that happens behind closed doors of families. Using the word ‘domestic’ gives off a air of it being different and sort of acceptable when actually abuse is abuse no matter who and where it is committed.
So true Jane… by saying the word ‘abuse’ is too harsh we are actually saying ‘I don’t want to go there.’ If we did go there we would have to look at our own part in the worlds abuse and take responsibility for this.
Russia have introduced a ‘slapping law’. A shocking 368 MPs approved of the law to have familial battery removed from Russia’s criminal code, with only 1 person abstaining and 1 person opposing. 368 MPS agree to this. 368 people in parliament said it is okay to hit/slap your wife! It was mentioned that ‘You don’t want people to be imprisoned for two years and labelled a criminal for the rest of their lives for a slap,’. So basically making domestic abuse legal! Where on earth are we at when in parliament 368 people agree to this including 1 female MP. The statistic of any form domestic violence is shocking. In Russia alone it is estimated that more than 600 Russian women are killed a month in their own homes. 600 women a month! And up to 36.000 women a day in Russia are being abused … 36,000 women a day! I mean these figures are just incomprehensible. Only they are not figures these are women, these are lives and this is happening within our world today. (reference https://bbc.in/Eqd8Ni)
A wise man is constantly presenting on what has become ‘normal’ in our society. We all can do this with our own bodies. We have a something that starts to hurt a little and we put up with it; then over time it becomes really sore and we have made it completely normal even though it’s effecting how we are living.
The quote by Einstein says it all – it is us, all of us, when we don’t speak up who contribute to the abuse and assure its continuity and tenure.
When we don’t speak up we are all contributing to abuse.
We have to start getting honest about the abuse that we tolerate in our own lives before anything will change on a larger scale in society as change begins with us first.
Beautiful said Elizabeth start with the self, live from that truth of no abuse and then watch the changes around.
We are living in our little bubbles pretending we are not affected by the horrors in the world. When the horrors touch us, in our bubble we get indignant, lash out and question why me! Why me, is ultimately why!
It’s an interesting word ‘domestic’ – used to describe how wild animals like cats and dogs have become domesticated, tamed and part of human life, we label the abuse as a part of domestic life when in truth it is war in our own homes.
Speaking up and speaking out to those who I am close to has often been something I have avoided at all costs, but I am discovering that although opening the conversation may be tricky to begin with and the other person may feel guarded, and initially defensive, by claiming what feels true and expressing so without emotion allows any ill dynamic to change.
Speaking up about abuse starts with ourselves in the smallest details and gradually becomes more and more obvious in our lives allowing us to see more and call it out raising our self worth and this changes everything and is much needed in a world of ever increasing abuse becoming the normal and accepted way of being.
The subject of domestic violence has been beaten to death, is this an oxymoron? All of this is what we have allowed by refusing to see and stand up against all abuse.
I recently read an account from a porn star, speaking up about the abuse she had incurred in the industry, and a particular website which is dedicated to a type of pornography that is known for its level of abuse, degradation of women and violence that makes it rape in all but name. How can we have people, the men who are in the videos, those who film them and those who pay to watch them, in a place within themselves where they are capable of such abuse to another. These men have lives they return to, maybe wives and children and friends – can we really not comprehend how the abuse they enact in one area spills over into every other? How can we seem shocked in the slightest at the rates of domestic violence, rape, abuse in the world when we have people who will pay to watch it online from the most extreme versions to the ‘tamer’ ‘softer’ ‘normal’ abuse of mainstream pornography and even music videos. Whilst we refuse to acknowledge this demand culture and compartmentalise life we will not stop the rising tide of abuse.
The feeling of living on egg shells mean being in constant tension and in a state of anxiety which is not healthy and leads to further disease.
The authorities are the people we have elected to support us all! How can change happen if we stay silent?
One of the biggest allowances of abuse is believing that we can’t interfere in anothers life. I know from personal experience and hearing others stories how even when neighbours, friends or family hear abuse, they don’t do anything about it. This is something I could never understand. The pushing it under the carpet is from not wanting to see our own level of self-abuse. I won’t reveal yours if you don’t reveal mine… we can live side by side ‘happily’ abusive together.
I wonder if physical abuse has gotten worse. From what I remember from 50 years ago it was bad then though much more hidden. What worries me today is that families may interact much less as everyone has screens and whether that has a harmful effect.
‘Even if ‘only’ one woman was killed per year, it should be enough to send alarm bells throughout the community and the media.’ – I couldn’t agree more, yet what we see is the complete opposite, there seems to be an indifference and lack of care which is increasing as the number of abused women are rising. We are allowing it to become the norm to turn the blind eye.
Yes, no matter the levels of abuse out there, in general most of us are still saying yes to it and not speaking. We condemn the abuse but the real ill is the fact that we allow it in the first place.
We numb ourselves to the level of abuse that occurs around us and in our lives. People are violently killed regularly and we shuffle along in life with a reluctance to look at why? My sister, my brother, all in family.
The abuse that each and everyone of us accepts as normal depending on what is going on around us are can vary on different degrees. But ultimately they are all based on a loveless way of being for ourselves and for others. Until we stop and realise we are worth loving and caring for which we can then have for others all the different levels of abuse will never change.
It seems we think things are ok if we keep the focus on somewhere else, just look at the horrific stats in America where more Americans have been killed in America by gunshot wounds since 1968 than all the conflicts they have been involved in including the ones on home soil. But still the enemy is out there instead of concentrating on fixing the problems at home.
Yes, we like to point the finger at anything outside our own playground.
So making everything about being from and of an expression of love is how to dispel abuse from our lives and in doing so being supported to face the hurts which have accumulated along the way.
To heal abuse we need to take a look at even the most subtlest forms of abuse in our own lives… only then can we reflect to one another a life without abuse.
It is so awesome that we are starting to see what is abuse and calling it out, so that we keep claiming what we know already as our truth.
Yes, one of the issues is if we call out abuse but can’t offer an alternative. Where does that lead?
We cannot dismiss the smallest speck of abuse because it all adds up – in a society so overwhelmed by different levels of abuse it can seem insignificant when it is only small, but it is possible that it is the fact we have let these small things slide that we now have the situations we have? When we let our children hit us or each other without the proper consequences or discussion around physical violence, or when we ourselves hit our children, when we shout and swear or shut people out and ignore them, in the moment we may be acting from a hurt or reaction but do we realise we are being abusive and potentially telling that other person that this kind of behaviour is okay?
That’s a big question Rebecca, and one to truly ponder – what kind of role models are we?
Until we are prepared to be truly honest about all of the forms of abuse we are a part of we will remain ignorant to those that we are not and doing so we become part of them too.
A big part is how we respond to abuse that we see being done by others. One example is conferences where we can respond to verbal abuse and sexual abuse. There are many other times and place where we can intervene without becoming a zealot.
A single case of abuse is too many and yet human life is proliferated by it – why do we settle for so much less than everything we truly are?
We’ve over time set the bar so high, so extreme that many many levels of abuse go undetected. The thing is though is that all forms of abuse gives energy to the more violent obvious abuse.
Why do we settle for less that who we are? what is it that we are avoiding and not wanting to take responsibility for?
I find the more I see anything less than love as abuse the more abuse I see I have allowed and still allow in my life. For me it starts with me and then the way I treat and respect myself then simply ripples out to the way I treat and respect and everyone else. So if I am not being and living the love that I am then how can I expect to treat another with the love and repsect they deserve – its impossible when you look at it this way.
So well and simply put James. It makes such perfect sense when explained like that.
Thank you Michael – I love how everything can be explained simply when we see things for how they really are.
‘The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.’ we would far rather choose to point fingers at the things going on in the world then to admit they all start with us and therefore in our homes.
One is known, the other is unknown. We are even more in physical danger from traffic accidents but we are more able to evaluate our chances of being affected, while with terrorism it is difficult to asses and the attacks are designed to attract attention.
Gosh Michael, that is very powerful to realise what you have written. We do need to look at our daily lives and make some changes here rather than judging everyone else.
Yes, abuse can only be present in the absence of the awareness of the love we are.
When we are aware, there is not space to allow abuse when we know the love that we are.
Thank you Anna, “It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society.” It starts with us being willing to address any areas of abuse in our own lives, whether we are the perpetrator or supposed victim.
It is when we start to work on our selves, thats when we see change around us, it is a ripple effect.
Yes, if we each take responsibility for our own part eventually it will change. What we have in life is an collective quality of if what we consistently energetically feed. Every moment matters.
Self-honouring is a great place to start when it comes to calling out abuse
The question of how much are we willing to put all of our cards on the table for all to see comes up here. Are we really willing to see our own part in full in the problems we face in our own homes and society or would we rather accept abuse and stay in some form of ignorant comfort?
Yes indeed Michael – are we willing to take responsibility and own up to our own contribution or do we choose to stay put and blame others for any abusive situation we find ourselves in?
One very harmful behaviour that we can caught in is that of ‘comparison’. We constantly compare our life with the life of others and then choose not to change our own behaviours around self care because we observe we treat out selves better than the situation next door. Changing and supporting ourselves with deeply loving choices and movements means we are living what is true and anything outside of that is abusive. Abusive behaviour can start with the smallest of choices and then can grow like a virus. Choosing ‘love’ and accepting ‘love’ is the only way.
Hear hear Ariana – ‘Normailsing love is such a powerful way to live’ – a true game changer.
No matter how hard it is to admit that we have normalized domestic violence and abuse you only have to talk to a group of friends to see just how normal it is. The only way it will change is if we change and really get honest with why we are accepting that in our lives.
I agree and as you say it is easy to see it with others what we accept as abuse. I know for myself the more love I am the less abuse I accept – so it is like I set my foundation and what falls below that stands out. Yet I still allow and accept abuse which shows my foundation can deepen more and things which I see as normal and ok I will start to see as abusive towards myself and/or others.
It is when we start to work on our selves, thats when we see change around us, it is a ripple effect.
Love ins the antidote to abuse and a great place to start is with ourselves.
We turn a blind eye as a society to domestic abuse (and with statistics like we have, we can’t say we don’t) and perhaps this is because we don’t want to look at where and how it all starts. No one simply hits another without there being many things that come before. What do we role model our children, how do we allow others to speak to us, how to we treat ourselves? They are all questions that if we’re not prepared to look deep into, we’ll want to turn a blind eye because they are very revealing. It’s no wonder that then we can’t face domestic abuse.
It’s as if it has become such a huge problem that no one really knows what to do about, that the only option left is to pretend it’s not there.
Starting an ongoing conversation about the forms of abuse we have in our relationships brings it to the fore and brings everyone together to understand the extent the abuse has pervaded our way of living.
‘It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society’. It rattles me to consider the millions of times I have not spoken up about things I knew and felt to be abusive; the colluding in silence that allows cruelty to perpetuate.
It is about breaking this silent pattern and speaking up with truth where it needs to be spoken. Something I am working on too.
There is always ripples from everything we do, but waves from anything that is love, that also touches everyone!
Looking at research done on domestic violence around the world it appears to fluctuate significantly depending on the country’s laws and or if they report the data at all! The quiet storm is no longer brewing in a teacup about the real numbers and cases of abuse. We need the real thunder and lightning to awaken what we have that which we have just accepted as normal!
There is so much abuse that it is not called abuse, self harm is only the extreme and not the every day lack of self care that most of us live with.
“this must not take away from the fact of the responsibility we all hold, how powerful we are as individuals and as a collective, to stand up and say no to abuse in all its forms.” How true we can’t call out abuse in another when we are not willing to take responsibility for the way we treat ourselves first and when we come to care and nurture ourselves more, we are more able to say no to any form of abuse from another by not allowing things to slip by without speaking out, plus we recognise how we may have contributed to that abusive behaviour by remaining silent, when in fact our silence has been expressing that the abuse is acceptable.
‘It seems we have ‘normalised’ this type of abuse to the point that it doesn’t affect us or we turn a blind eye.’ – I agree, we live in societies that are becoming more and more indifferent to what is going on ‘next door’ and there is also a lot of fear of getting involved in something that may seem too challenging and hence it is easier to pretend we don’t see what is going on and dismiss our responsibility.
So true Ariana and yes in every way, we are love,we all know love and so why should we accept anythign less than love as being normal?
What are we actually accepting in life is a great question. It feels to me like we are on a sliding scale of abuse and we have dropped our values in every aspect of our lives. It’s definitely time we begin to re-introduce a sense of worth, value and integrity into the way we live so we can begin to turn the tide of abuse.
Well said Meg – everything begins with ourselves and the quality in which we choose to live our lives. What we all contribute matters.
It’s horrible that we get used to a certain level of abuse and learn to call it normal. This is the case in our relationships but also on line. It’s crazy that we are allowed to abuse each other through word in cyber space and no-one blinks an eye. It still has a harmful effect and can cause great pain, depression and sometimes suicide. This is a real problem that needs to be addressed.
Yeh one of the things I hate the most is the way people treat each other so awfully, especially in intimate relationships – why be with someone if you are not going to absolutely love and cherish them to the best of your ability? But this even happens with strangers on the street – we are all human beings, we all have a heart and we hurt and we feel everything. What if we stopped all this today and actually spoke to people with decency and respect and begun to genuinely care about another’s well-being?
Good point Rebecca – abuse is abuse wherever it exists and it is not acceptable in any form.
Have you noticed the line in the sand that keeps being redrawn for what is allowable on TV after the watershed time? There are many articles of how pornography is destroying adolescence. The line of what is freely transmitted that is porn is almost non-existent. Domestic violence is just another victim of what we have allowed being normal.
Even the stories of domestic abuse which are covered by the media do not portray it in truth – we see the stereotype of women being beaten by men, but where are the instances when women abuse men through manipulation and rejection? The media protrays what will give it the most sales, not what is true, which actually tells us a lot more about us as a society than about the media because news agents make their money for the public. So, if the media is making money from us by printing lies, then it only makes sense that we want to read lies, live in the lie which we have created for ourselves and carry on with our daily hustles and dramas.
Well said Ariana and it is exactly that which is required by humanity to reverse the ills of our current erroneous way of living.
It would be also great to accept and appreciate just how sensitive we all are and just how much the smallest levels of abuse cuts to the bone. In that appreciation and acceptance, it would become easier to detect the small levels of abuse and deal with them before we allowed anything larger to take place.
Indeed it would already be alarming if only one women a year was killed by a current or former partner but we have numbed ourselves from feeling the depth of this terror that we do not expect to take place in the ‘safe haven’ a partner relationships should be.
Do we ever question ourselves why we do have so much violence and abuse in our families, societies and in the world? We might say, yes that is because we have evolved from the animals as some people believe, as there we think we see the same. But to me this is not a truth as we are not evolved from the animals in the first place and secondly we are so much so not violent or abusive from essence. Could it be that this human behaviour is because we ignore to live that essence which then gives space for the violence and abuse in our lives?
If we start looking abuse in the eye maybe we would express the abuse no longer in terms that try to hide the truth of what it is, like human trafficking when it should be slavery and domestic violence should be all forms of violent abuse to someone who lives in our home and we have a relationship with,
Domestic violence is indeed an euphemism for extreme abusive behavior within the heart of a family or a couple. To turn a blind eye to that…that’s not only abusive in itself but shows how much abuse we have let in into our society, our own lives and in paricular in our bodies. What if we were to change ‘that’s normal and part of life’ to ‘that’s abnormal, not natural and should be addressed’, then we can start ourselves to address all the subtle abuses in our day, just me to body, me to others and others to me. In the end it all comes back to ourselves and the responsibility we have and can take now.
Yes Caroline, we have to make the choice and start living that what so naturally lives within, the fragility of our essence that will not allow any abuse to enter.
Someone was sharing recently that she put her child to bed when she was just wanting to go to bed herself. So the quality of connection and presence wasn’t there, but more she was going through the motions. The child felt the difference and expressed to her mum that she always gets bad dreams when mum put her to bed like this. This is an amazing example of the subtler levels of abuse we go into and don’t recognise it as such. How many of us speak to children with a harsher, harder voice, (not even an angry one) and not realise the impact this is having?
We are born with the ability to read what is not love. A force from anyone, for a child, because love is still untainted, so anything that is not love is like a rocket.
And the key is to allow ourselves to remain as vulnerable as a child in feeling what is not of love and not reacting to what it brings up.
What a different and important approach to looking more honestly at violence and abuse, to actually look at the terror from ourselves as well as that which we allow from those close to us.
I see that now Anna, is not terrorism just a magnification of the subtlest form of abuse? It is that same energy of forcing your will or opinion on someone by using hurtful (emotional or mental or physical) means. That it stems from our own abuse of ourselves is also a revelation; it is true, and makes us responsible for the existence of the amount of abuse in our world, and for its change.
I agree Joan – the two are the same just in different situations.
Interesting that when we can’t deal with life and the hurts it triggers we take it out on those we are supposed to care about most.
We take steps to arm ourselves in protection and guardedness, but do not want to open up to the root of our problem with abuse, starting with how we treat ourselves in every moment of the day.
All abuse grows out of an ill-seed. Absolutely let’s challenge all the abuse we have in our lives and society but lets also look deeply at the seeds we’re sowing from the point of either being loving or not.
In exploring abuse in all its many ways that exist on earth today (consider TV bingeing which is now a fond pastime and ask whether it is actually self-abusive), there is a point where there must be space for each person to reflect on what abuse means to them, and thenceforth choose what is acceptable and not acceptable in their own life, first and foremost from their own self-abuse.
What was the trigger to expose the Hollywood sexual abuse that everyone knows about, but did nothing about it? Why has the tipping point not been reached for domestic abuse that is a lot more prevalent?
We are learning that abuse is not only the physical abuse, that we see as so obvious – or even the verbal abuse from one human being to another – but it starts way before that, and includes absolutely everything that does not come from Love in the truest sense of the word.
“What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse?” – This is a great point; in the future there may be a time when we experience a more confronting case of abuse, be it a friend who is experiencing sexual violence, personally being harassed or witnessing an aggressive fight in public, and what contributes to our response to this is how we have addressed abuse in ALL forms, even ‘small’ discriminatory comments offline AND offline, throughout our life.
‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’ Reading this again this morning and this really stands out for me and I ask myself where in my day do I lose touch with how I am feeling and why?
Yes, Anna, sometimes we can be our own worst enemy with those self-depreciating thoughts, that are so far removed from the truth.
This being honest about the levels of abuse we allow in our relationships no matter how subtle they may be or how good or successful they look on the surface is a very important thing. I have been aware recently that even when I protect or guard myself in relationships and don’t express how I feel honestly with people around me that this is a level of rejection or abuse of them because I am saying no the depth of connection and love that is possible between us.
I love how you say it is the simple and little things in regard to honouring yourself that have supported you to see more clearly what is going on in your life.
So true – goes to show how very supportive it is to pay attention to even the smallest of details.
Yes, and crazy how we have created a way of living that does not honour each moment equally but puts everything in a scale from good to bad, import to unimportant etc.
Important point to finish on here – we all hold joint responsibility for this type of behaviour in our societies – the question is do we carry on doing nothing or stand up and be counted?
Great point Michael – it is so easy to blame others, or even play the victim and give lip service to what is going on but are we truly willing to stand up and say no to abuse, say no to anything which is less than the love that we are? It all starts with us and how we treat ourselves and then others, it is not about words but rather the way we live and honour ourselves, or not as may be the case.
There is a certain level of normalisation concerning violence in society that does not serve us, we get caught up with rationalising that it happens to other people rather than understanding that what hurt one hurts and hinders us all. All our relationships are effected by disfunction in society.
True Samantha and this normalisation is portrayed in the media, entertainment and violent sports as well as ‘games’ for consoles and computers, not to mention war and crime. It is even said that it is ‘human nature’ to be this way however this is not true, it is the way we have come to exist after choosing to be separate from who we truly are, it is not our nature and could not be further from it.
Spot on Michael Chater
It took me awhile to understand that I grew up in a family that was abusive. It was because it seemed so normal.
But just because everybody is doing it does not make it right. Thank you Serge Benhayon for supporting me to uncover the real truth in life!
For such a supposedly evolved species we really aren’t living well, and this is so clearly evident here. We seem to have the thought that we can be advanced because of some of what we can achieve and yet in truth we have evolved very little in a long time. We still repeat that same behaviour including abuse and in truth it is probably worse in some cases now and our health clearly reflects the ill way of living we have chosen, guided by a misaligned intelligence.
What if – abuse begins the moment we separate from the love that we are and so any subsequent thought, word or action that is made from here will not contain the fullness of who we are. This reduction then registers as abuse because we are now moving in a way that does not honour the preciousness we each in essence are and every move we make in this reduced form magnifies throughout our body. To not feel that this is occurring, we need to adopt a hardness in the body – hence the desire for certain foods, sports, entertainment, behaviours etc. that will not allow us to feel that we are living in separation to our true self.
We pretend that the non-physical abuse is ok and that it is not really abuse. But without non-physical abuse we would never end up with physical abuse.
This is a great point that you are making here Nikki. How many dismissive and hurtful thoughts do we let run through our heads, be it about ourselves or anybody else. Life does not start with the physical, there is a quality that we choose that then is expressed through our physicality. It is always about the quality (energy) that we choose and never about the sole outer appearance or sophistication.
By lowering the social bar and accepting domestic violence, we have come to accept that anything less than physically extreme abuse is ok. I find one of the worst abuses is someone talking in an arrogant, intellectually superior way that feels like a physical attack but you have no bruises to show for it.
I agree Fiona – last week I heard someone say to someone else ‘when do you have time to argue’ referring to her and her husband as if it is now something that we must allow time for! Crazy. Relationships are about learning to be loving all the time and in doing so arguments dwindle. We are choosing not to see what is on offer by accepting all that is truly unacceptable by our nature.
The amount and forms of abuse we live with and accept is increasing every day and really does need to be looked at and taken responsibility for for ourselves in the smallest details allowing the love we are to be lived. What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse? A great call for the love we truly are to be lived and the appreciation of this.
Yep it is the ripple affect …. we deal with the smallest forms of abuse in our own lives and this has an imprint on other forms of abuse in the world .. meaning there is less of a place for it. I guess this also comes down to what do we tolerate? If it is not affecting us directly then do we care? So much to unpack, change and heal here.
The ripple effect is massive. I have found that if I say no to levels of abuse myself others around me also then in turn see that that is not acceptable and so the ripple effect is very tangeable. But as you say how far do we go, do we only say no when we are directly affected or do we see our role to play on a much wider grander scale that we do indeed make a difference.
Could it be that by taking honest and loving responsibility for the dishonour that plays out within our own homes, we can begin to iron out the foundational creases that only serve to bolster the newsworthy abuses that surround us globally.
I experience abuse often and I haven’t opened up this very much. There are feelings of shame in exposing what is imperfection. There are also feelings that this is my karma. There is a self-judgement that I have not been loving enough to another and it takes me further away from giving this love to myself. So this opportunity is deeply precious in that it is asking me to live my worth and not forget it is innate.
Not only have we normalised domestic violence, we have normalised abuse – full stop.
It’s the subtlety that is the killer in this case.
It was not until my children and i stood up to bullying at their school that i was shocked to discover that there were many other parents & children who for their whole primary school years had experience the same thing but had not felt able to call it out. By saying nothing you internalise the hurts, which only serve to build blame and dis-ease within the body, however by activating your early sense and vocalising your concerns you are not only free from the burden of carried hurts but also able to inspire others; young and old to speak their truth.
Imagine if we all did actually look at how we are abusing ourself with the likes of food, unhealthy behaviours, drama and those self-deprecating thoughts and we all addressed these very commonplace forms of abuse in our lives. What a difference this would make to humanity at large. We may as well give it a go for what do we have to lose but abuse?
Its hard to look back at the abuses we have tolerated in the name of keeping the peace. But it is essential to see what it is that we chose to accept. Not to punish ourselves, to say that we deserved that, for it’s not about that. But in seeing what we have accepted as ok that deep within is not ok, begins the process of healing the hurts that lead us in accepting less that love.
Developing a foundation of loving choices for oneself to live on will begin the process of exposing and dealing with all forms of abuse.
If we want to figure out what is going on in the world and why, we have to look at and be honest about our relationships within our homes first.
And starting with our relationship with ourselves first and foremost.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein) I know from experience when connecting with others on a one to one basis how much they understand and know what is true and what is not. At heart, everyone cares and yet for fear of rocking the boat or getting ridiculed or rejected or even abused we keep quiet and yet when we voice the truth from a place of empowerment we have the capacity not to just inspire our families, our communities, our nations, but the entire world. I am thinking particularly of Winston Churchill who, through his heartfelt and honest expression, didn’t just rally a nation but influenced and gave hope to all those nations under Nazi rule.
The fact that terrorism control is as high as it is speaks for the state our society is in. And as is said here – perhaps it is not just terrorism we need to look at but also what happens behind closed doors. And is it possible that the abuse we allow in private feeds the abuse we allow in public.
‘It seems we have ‘normalised’ this type of abuse to the point that it doesn’t affect us or we turn a blind eye.’ When we don’t ‘think’ that we are affected by abuse, it’s easy to turn a blind eye, yet, in truth there are very few people who are not affected by any abuse at all, it’s just that we have come to accept it. In this acceptance we don’t ‘want’ to hear about it, as deep down there is a knowing that we are in part responsible for the abuse that exists in our world today. But would we really rather close our eyes, ears and hearts than choose to take responsibility for the way we are living, to actually make a difference by standing up and calling out abuse when we feel it?
Yes, it is the unspoken but constant stream of thoughts that we underestimate greatly of the harm they do in our lives.
The term ‘domestic violence’ serves to down-grade and de-humanises this form of abuse, giving it a second-hand, once-removed type of feel, rather than calling it for what it is – an extreme form of abuse against a fellow loving being, behind closed doors, where we can deny everything we know to be true and vent our fury that we have chosen to not deal with it.
We can only get to extreme forms of abuse when we allow any lesser form to become normal…and as you pick up in your blog up, Anna this can be from the subtlest self-depreciating thought.
Capturing abuse at this level is where we are all heading, it is clearly far from the norm now, but it is a very natural way to relate to ourselves.
I like these calls to action, particularly the one which asks us to look at what abuse is happening by ourselves, at the hand of ourselves.
I was with some friends that I hadn’t seen for a while and I clocked how there was a level of sarcasm as a from of wit and I realised how abusive this was. I gently called out how cutting it was and that really they didn’t feel like that for the other person. It is amazing how an ingrained way of being can continually run and you have no idea the impact it is having on others and ourselves.
We would be shocked if we were to label everything that is truly abuse as ‘abuse.’ There are things we don’t consider abuse because we label them with different names… overeating, under-eating, pushing our bodies for recognition, critical self-judgment, etc.
Everyone of us has abuse in our lives… whether it comes from outside us or from within us, it is there.
So often in life I have shied away from whatever I felt uncomfortable facing. It is as if I hope if I harden up, if I ignore it and pretend it does not exist, if I am not actively thinking about it, it will kind of go away. But the fact is that it never does. It remains always niggling at me although I may not be conscious of it. And what’s more, it always comes round again later on, perhaps looking different, but the essence of the issue is exactly the same.
That is the beauty of life, we get the same issues come round and round again until we rise to the occasion, learn our lesson and evolve.
It’s easy to point fingers at the wars in the news and the bombings we read about on social media but how do we conduct ourselves within our own homes?
The film industry is reflecting back to us our tolerance to sexual abuse. This is evident by the horrific graphic scenes we now see in films and the explicit nature of sexual violence. The values in film years ago used to be respectful to women and only give you a hint of a sexual act having taken place – now there is nothing left to the imagination, and everything is so in your face realistic.
I have never considered this before but I wonder if the Justice System assigns different sentences to ‘domestic’ murder as opposed to ‘normal’ murder? If we fail to address this abuse on the same level as we target violence, disorder and murder outside of the home, then we will continue to have a huge problem with domestic violence. What we allow in our homes forms the foundations of our societies.
Great question Rowena that has been partly addressed last week when it was announced that those committing domestic violence would be sentenced more harshly than those committing crime on the street. A step in the right direction but only relative to what can already be light sentences. What would be even more beneficial would be effective programs around abuse and self-abuse for those convicted on such charges.
‘I was abusing myself with food, unhealthy behaviours, drama and those self-deprecating thoughts that I would continually beat myself up with.’ This is exactly where we need to go to be honest with ourselves first about how we are self-abusive. Even in the things that we may have deemed as being good for us we can still be being abusive – such as excessive exercise or drinking smoothies crammed with fruit sugar and just too much fruit.
Is this just another area of our lives we have disowned our responsibly? The schools are not teaching our children values. The medical world is not finding cures fast enough for our ill choices, and domestic violence has nothing to do with me. Who has given us a get of jail free card for our responsibilities and at what cost?
Spot on Jane, the ripple effect is undeniable! And this is an inspiration in itself.
Normalisation of violence (or anything that is not a truly loving way of being) is perhaps one of our greatest ‘evils’ as it allows complacency and hence allows things to slide deeper and further away from our true normal of brotherhood.
It is easy to want to turn a blind eye to domestic violence and for that matter any violence in the world, so long as we are not affected and that we can sit in the comfort of our own couches and watch this on TV. This is the sad reality. But the moment it does affect us or perhaps, the moment that it is a family member dear to us that this has happened to, then it has a greater chance of hitting home so to speak…unless of course we have not been disconnected and have been feeling this all along and tuning into how this can contribute through the complacency feeding the actual issue. Much to sit with and ponder on, but hopefully not too long as the world is in quite a desperate space and we are all being asked to put an end to these awful ways of being with each other, and instead begin to bring true brotherhood and support to each other.
Thankfully however much abuse we hurl at ourselves and each other, the inner most part of us remains completely untouched.
This for me is a continual process of refining the quality of my inner relationship so as to dissolve any self destructive or self damming thoughts towards my self. The deeper this goes, the simpler it becomes to only hold another in the same level of grace and appreciation, rich soil for healthy, loving and honest relationships that cannot hold any sway with any other type of behaviour.
One form of abuse that many of us are unaware of is the self abuse in terms of how we are with ourselves, how we talk about ourselves, how we think about ourselves and how we move our bodies – today I saw a women walking, presumably to keep fit and I could feel the hard way she was pushing herself, I have done that in the past with playing squash.
How we talk to ourselves is a great point to raise, Carmel. No one has ever been as harsh with me as I am with myself, which begs the question, where does all this negativity come from. Why is it that we set such impossibly high standards for ourselves and more importantly, continue to allow the space for them to exist. The answer is more self-love, the more we treasure ourselves we squeeze out the negativity, getting rid of anything that doesn’t belong and support us.
I was talking with someone today who said that my wife was dressed inappropriately and that people from the church would be offended and not listen to her, it was an interesting conversation given I thought my wife looked amazing and so did many other people. But what was more interesting was that he thought that I should or had a place in telling her what to wear! I did smile and said why would I tell my wife what to wear and thats when it hit me, the constraint of this person seeing my wife in her fullness stand up and be amazing freaked him out to the point that he thought she needed to be controlled – to me that is very abusive yet in that setting is the normal way women are treated. Of course, he could not handle her power!
We need to know any sort of abuse is not an option right across the board and we do need to speak up if it is happening. I have got involved a couple of times in domestic violence at the risk of being assaulted myself only to find out afterward that the women in both cases had gone back to their partners. This makes me not so sure if I want to risk getting directly involved physically at risk of being assaulted myself, but as they say the pen is mightier than the sword.
Why is it that comedians feel the need to swear excessively, as though their jokes are only funny if they shock or are really crude? I’ve never understood this, foul language is abusive, it’s offensive and it pulls us down to being so much less than we are.
‘Our governments and politicians work tirelessly to ensure that our borders and country remain safe and protected from any terrorist threat or attack. Yet that same focus and commitment does not secure the gates and picket fences of suburbia.’ – it’s much easier to be proactive and have systems in place to help prevent what may happen, rather than being honest, acknowledging and actually start addressing the extent of the violence and abuse that we have accepted as a society, where everyone shares in the culpability.
Abuse of many different kinds goes on in our homes: siblings attacking each other, parents shouting at the children, TV or music blaring out, alcohol abuse, and food abuse in the form of overeating. These are mild compared with the physical and sexual abuse but they are still abuse that has no place in our homes which should be places of nurture and nourishment.
Even the content of what is shown on TV, the way people interact with each other, the language used, the lyrics in music, it seems to be getting more and more extreme and more and more abusive.
One of the definitions of violence is a destructive natural force. How have transferred this word to how we treat others behind closed doors, also as a natural occurrence?
Interesting observation Steve. That we have not only transferred this but then made it acceptable in some way by the same action when we do know within what is truly natural shows how many steps we have taken from truth.
I wonder if we turn away when the violence is ‘domestic’ because of all those old ideals and beliefs that its someones personal space, their private ‘between the four walls of our home’ space, where ‘what happens at home stays at home’ etc… Wherever and however abuse occurs… it is still not ok.
Yes, it’s the choice to be complicit – I will leave you alone and you leave me alone. We don’t want to get involved as just as another’s personal space can be invaded, so can ours, meaning we can all be brought to accountability. So we choose to stay silent and shirk our responsibility to live our truth.
Yes, Anna, I do find it quite staggering at times to consider what I have accepted as the norm or tolerated in society by staying silent, but I remind myself that every single choice that is made to be true in daily life has an enormous ripple effect out into the world.
I was talking to a lady recently who works for the charities and obviously I brought up the recent press coverage about the lack of morals that some of the workers in the aid organisation’s have. And she highlighted that abuse is rife in all sections of the industries, Banking, Pharmaceuticals, government etc., and she is absolutely right. But what this doesn’t excuse is that these people who go out to disaster riddled countries represented a way of living with decency which was not upheld, rather than up hold a level of decency and integrity, it seems to me they took advantage of the chaos and abused extremely vulnerable people. This is just the tip of the ice berg because we abuse each other everyday; abuse is so rife in our society that we seem to have accepted it as part of life.
It does not matter how many times I read this headline – it never ceases to touch me. The very concept and truth that we have accepted abuse as normal is something to give everyone pause and speaks volumes all by itself.
I agree Nicola – alongside the statistic ‘one woman is killed in Australia every week by a current or former partner’ what more does it take for us to stop and listen and really consider how far we have come from a true way of living.
Even not listening to each other or being loving is already abusive never mind killing or raping each other – yes indeed just how far can we go?
I agree, Nicola, and it starts at home first, with each and every one of us. Nothing can change unless we get real and honest with our selves and start to look at where we are allowing abuse into our own lives. This will be the impetus of change as we stop accepting what is and has been and start saying no to any and all abuse.
A simple way to say no to abuse is to say YES to love!
“If we look abuse in the eyes instead of retreating as I once did, it becomes a powerful tool for change. It doesn’t need our aggression or retaliation, simply a willingness to stand up and speak out against even the smallest of abuses with each other and with ourselves.” Absolutely Anna this is very beautiful in giving us the strength and power to make a difference so simply and in such a supportive evolving way forward with love. as the way.
“I was abusing myself with food, unhealthy behaviours, drama and those self-deprecating thoughts that I would continually beat myself up with. Is it little wonder I wasn’t more proactive when abuse entered my own relationship?… This is a great example of how the relationship we have with ourselves influence the lifestyle choices, behaviours and quality of our thoughts. It’s either self loving or self abusing.
‘I now know that when we stay silent or ‘keep the peace’ to avoid rocking the boat, we can end up staying in an arrangement that gives abuse a louder voice.’ and not only those who are in such arrangements but also those that see them with others and also do nothing.
We are equally implicit when we see the arrangement that keeps things stagnant, but not caring enough to say something.
Our numbness of domestic violence is now only reportable and newsworthy if death has happened and the level of goriness involved increases the reporting level. Why are we drawn like the moth to the candle with gruesome outcomes? Why do we rubber-neck when we pass an accident on the other side of the road? Are these scenes and news stories making us feel better, in comparison to the abuse we are allowing in our lives?
‘A new 200-page report into hazing rituals at one of Australia’s most esteemed universities alleges a widespread culture of bullying, abuse, and the targeting of female students.’ Listening to the Vice Chancellor of Sydney University talk about this report last night and how these rituals date back to the 30’s, revealing how endemic it has been and still is, begs the question, how has it been able to continue for so long? If it has been known about, there has been a level of acceptance for it to be able to continue.
Awesome writing here Anna. Abuse certainly seems to have become ‘normalized’ even more so now in our current times. When we begin to recognise the subtleness of the abuses we apply to ourselves on a daily basis and make changes towards more loving and acceptance of ourselves, perhaps that is also a start to that level of self respect flowing naturally out to others. Surely then we will no longer be able to accept the many so called bigger abuses that are rife around us but that we had become numb to? Abuse is abuse no matter what degree of intensity it is portrayed through.
The word abuse is in need of redefinition so that the extent of the lack of love and harmony most of us live in is revealed.
These blogs and the many comments are redefining the very movements, words and thoughts of abuse.
We ignore so much in our lives that we should say no to for fear of rocking the boat. The more I care for myself deeply, the more I am aware of those moments and have a choice to do something about them. I have a choice to speak up in the moment or continue to sweep them under the carpet. It is not necessarily going to be a fast change but every change has a ripple effect and we must never underestimate that – seen or unseen.
The abuse all around us is glaringly obvious at all levels, and once we come from the truth that any abuse is not acceptable, it wakes us up to see how unlovingly we are living. There feels an illusion that we can think we are ok, and not being abusive but your descriptions here, looking at the minutiae, shows how we are all living this abuse every day. It is really time to make some changes in our lives.
It is the same thing with conversations about modern day slavery, with racism or homophobia or gender inequality – when these heated, emotional and disturbing topics are raised we feel uncomfortable and back away from the topic and in truth it can be hard to have a true conversation about them without the emotions getting in the way, but if we don’t take the time to sit down and have these meaningful and real life conversations with friends, at school and work, around the dinner table etc. – the less we treat all of our issues as under the rug, the quicker we as a collective society we feel the pull to truly change something for none of our greatest ills are beyond our control, they are allowed because we in society allow them.
A single voice in the crowd is not often heard, but we are becoming many. The words and thoughts in this, and many other blogs are the modern equivalent of cave drawings; we are laying the foundations of change.
A profound comment Steve. Truth etched in indelible cyber-ink into the foundational walls of humanity. To be discovered by more today, tomorrow or whenever.
“domestic violence” This phrase alone denotes our attitude to violence within the home, we regard it a lesser problem because we have quite literally domesticated it. It is still a wild beast that runs amuck through people’s lives causing immense devastation.
Yes, we have perhaps always normalised this abuse and are only now getting more aware how pervasive it is.
Energetically avoiding each other in the one home is already abuse, abuse of our innate nature to be in loving relationship with self and everyone.
It’s not actually possible to avoid one another energetically but we can do a pretty good job of pretending that we can.
We all have to start to say NO to abuse, only then we can inspire others to do the same, through our movements and reflection we can offer an other a choice to change. Only then there will begin to be change.
Ariana I agree, for a long time I was only caught on that abuse was physically only, but when I started to work on my self worth and self honour. When I was spoken with verbal fights, the impact was huge on my body, I felt more bruised than if I was actually physically bruised.
This is just Australia, what about the rest of the world, are we feeling the enormity of the problem at hand?
This was what I felt too Amita, the issues we have supposedly hidden in western society exist in many different forms in many other countries too, often made part of ‘culture’ in order to seemingly make it acceptable.
The old adage of ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ was something we were taught as children to ward off bullies, but the fact of the matter is words do hurt us deeply. Even living in a household where bickering, verbal assaults are common is still abuse and quite often people who live this way would still say they love each other.
Yes, this shows exactly the hypocrisy we allow ourselves to live in, we do something unloving and the next moment we claim that we love. But love is not something that comes and goes in one moment to the next, it is a quality that needs to be lived and cannot be switched on and off to our liking.
What I have learned through observing Serge Benhayon, is the power of committing to the deepest form of love. I know inherently that such is the answer to all our ills. Because then you don’t have to rally against injustice, malpractice and abuse. It becomes natural to spot even the slightest hint of anything that is not loving and respond accordingly – still with love – there and then.
Terrorist attacks make front page news, however I can’t remember the last time there was a headline about domestic abuse and the fact that it is impacting our society hugely and harming thousands and thousands of people across the world.
So often we have treated our homes as havens where we can indulge in whatever behaviour we choose to take the edge off life or escape or not feel so much, in the illusion it does not affect anyone else outside of it. As domestic violence also take place in the home it feels that there is an element that in standing up and saying it is not acceptable we are laying down the law about what can take place in someone’s home and this challenges our own bubble of being able to decide what we do in our own home without others getting involved. What goes on in our home does affect what goes on in everyone else’s, we are all in this together.
We live in societies that routinely abuse their citizens with lies, theft, corruption and exploitation. People are manipulated and numbed to the extent they no longer recognise or feel abuse is a sign of the times we live in. To stay out of this toxic soup, requires honesty, discipline and self awareness.
There’s a problem when no one sees themselves as an abuser either of themselves or other people. Without an understanding of what constitutes abuse from minuscule to extreme, we are trapped in a destructive cycle. The only way out of this is through love, and connecting to the infinite pool of love within and around us.
Yes, it is much easier to abuse others when we see ourselves as victims.
Seeing ourselves as victims is, in itself abuse.
I agree and a lack of self-love is allowing so many of us to accept abuse as something that is ‘normal’ because it is so prevalent and widely accepted.
‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’ – I love what you share here, Anna, and can feel how so often I want to numb and dismiss rather than allowing myself to lovingly acknowledge all that I am feeling. In honouring myself in this way, it doesn’t mean I have to give in to whatever it is, rather I allow myself the space to truly feel what is going on for me and this supports my next choice to be impulsed from love rather than abuse.
This week I can feel that my body is tired and I further need to adjust my rhythm, self supports and level of self care. But this has made me question for myself – what and why I’m tired and how I can adjust to what my life is asking of me at the moment. I have also been able to feel that even letting myself get tired or not honouring my body as it’s communicating to me is in fact abuse. And when I read this comment about the statistic of domestic violence and what this reflects – I then wonder what is the statistic of people living with exhaustion and tired bodies. My guess is it is pretty high.
I feel it is very high indeed, yet many of us are probably unaware of quite how exhausted we are as it has become normal for us to ‘energise’ ourselves through food and drink, stimulating our tired body so it can function and allow us to do whatever we need to do. This coping only lasts for so long before the self-abuse starts to take it’s toll and our body shows us in more and more extreme ways that we cannot continue living this way.
I agree Anna, that we need to keep the facts of abuse in the forefront of our minds by reporting at all times. With this I too feel we will take more action and eliminate this terrible scourge from our lives!
This is not something that suddenly happens when we become adults, this starts when we are children, seeing others behave this way, with it being portrayed in entertainment and with a lack of support to children as they grow up to be able to express themselves from their natural qualities.
Spot on Shirley, and come to think of it, that saying ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me’ – is a way to not deal with the situation and to simply play victim and bury this deeper. I am not saying we should physically retaliate, but really we should be saying ‘Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can also hurt me’ – in fact someone has re-written this nursery rhyme and it goes on to say that ‘Stones and sticks break only skin, whilst words are ghosts that haunt me’ – thus exposing the energy that is behind the action, the very action that is so damaging and energetically configured to try to bring down another. We need more honesty in what is actually happening and thus with this we can then address the hurts coming from both sides and put a stop to the vileness and call it for the bullying and abuse that it is.
When we allow behaviours to go out of line and we do not correct them or only correct them partially, then you get this sliding scale where what was once unacceptable behaviour now becomes acceptable. This is a dangerous approach and a only leads to our demise. We need to catch this and re-instate what we know to be true, bringing back the integrity and the real benchmark.
Well called out, Henrietta. It’s about going back to square one and honouring ourselves as the precious, exquisite beings that we are and asking whether the behaviour/situation feels ok or not. Not comparing with what has been accepted previously, or what other people think is ok, it’s about us setting a new benchmark – one that only accepts love.
What you say Henrietta, applies equally to self as others. Failing to call out our own out of line behaviours and left unchecked, takes us down a slippery slope to self destruction and loss of self . As you say ” re-instate what we know to be true, bringing back the integrity and the real benchmark”.
Normalisation of behaviour or things that are not really ‘normal’ is rife these days. So it is a wise Q to ask ‘What is Normal’ anyways these days? As a health practitioner, I ask many health questions such as ‘how are your stools?’ or ‘how are you periods?’ – and people often reply by saying ‘normal!’, to which my response is ‘well tell me what your normal is – give me the details’… for example some women will share that their normal for periods is to go through 15 super tampons in one day, or their normal for periods is to sleep in the bathtub 2 nights out the month as their nausea and pain is so severe in their cycle – they think this is ‘normal’ because to them they have always had this and either do not known any better or have not allowed themselves to express this and find out that it is not actually the ‘norm’. It can be quite confronting to realise that the way we have been living is not how it needs to be in some cases! But this realisation alone opens up the possibility of change and hence re-writing what our meaning of ‘norm’ is!
Wow, I can’t imagine having to sleep in a bath tub every month because I feel so terribly ill with period pain, I find that completely shocking. Yet, I am sure there are things that I’ve accepted in my life that are normal for me, but for someone else they would not tolerate them. So, maybe what we should be constantly feeling into is, ‘is this (whatever the situation is) honouring of me and everyone else involved?’ If the answer is no, then it is abuse.
We don´t even know the degree of abuse we have accepted and thus normalized before we don´t return the absoluteness of love that is our true nature.
“To bring any true change, we could begin by speaking more freely about the subtle forms of abuse in our relationships with others and explore the abuse we are encountering in our own lives, no matter how small or large this may be.” If we can begin a discussion from understanding rather than from blame and judgement we may be able to bring more light to this issue of abuse behind closed doors. With reading and understanding each case in our own lives, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, we can begin to raise some much needed awareness around this epidemic issue. We cannot afford to ‘normalise’ abuse in our lives as it will only then continue with more extreme cases. The rot must be clearly looked at and dealt with or the poison will only fester and grow worse for all.
By changing the words, it can feel less of an issue, but in truth, violence and abuse are behaviours we can all address in our lives and not accept even a smidgeon. Whatever amount, it is all abuse and needs calling out there and then.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein) This is something we cannot dispute. What we have to question is our own responsibility here, the part we have each played, and our own willingness to change our individual behaviour.
It always takes me by surprise when I listen to the young people I work with talk about their family lives, how we accept and become numb to insults and dismissal when it is something that happens every day.
I agree Janet, I have often called out what I feel is abuse to be told ‘ it’s just friendly banter, we enjoy it, it’s fun’ ….. the difference between fun and abuse is the energy with which the comments are made, when we are not holding the other person in love, it’s abuse. When we hold another in love, we are unable to be abusive, it’s that simple. Irrespective of what we want to ‘think’ about how we are speaking or being spoken to, we can always feel if something is loving or not, if we want to be honest.
True Janet, it is easy to become accustomed to varying levels of abuse, especially when there is no one reflecting the love that we are naturally accustomed to. It’s crucial to have these reflections of love in life, to confirm and remind us what is true.
It is crazy, but how many of us have been through this and still allow it in our homes. We really need to start making a change, standing up and saying no to abuse. This can only come with when we start to respect self, love and honour our selves, we say no to abuse.
Saudi Arabia still openly classes women as second-class citizens. In a recent court case, that was about two women that had been raped by a number of men. The women were tried, in court and sentenced one woman to 6 months in jail and a public caning of 200 lashes for not being escorted in public by a man. This country is a place where women are speechless and abuse to and against them seems never to have been an issue, it has never been anything else because it has been normalised.
For as long as we have the extremes, we will continue to ignore the intricacies of abuse that infiltrate out daily lives because we can excuse them as ‘not as bad’ as the extreme to which we compare them to, if indeed we notice such detail at all.
Very true Liane and in doing so we are in comparison with others which retards our own learning. What is extreme to one person may be normal to another and we must learn what is abuse for us without this and then make different choices from our connection to all that we truly are. Reflecting and expressing this in our way of life.
Yes, a concept that we have learned to go by but that is not in line with what we innately know to be true.
I reckon one of the reasons perhaps that people do not like to hear about domestic violence or abuse is because; it is abuse that takes place inside homes which are supposed to be safe places. It is easy to brush off stories of abuse or violence in terms of gun crime or gang fighting somewhere and say that is an extreme however when it is closer to home literally it brings our awareness to the levels of abuse we experience every day and consider normal in our societies.
I agree Susan, it should have us stop and consider what kind of behaviour we have made normal in our societies that has domestic violence as a possibility and, as is shown by the statistic, a normal too.
I feel we always normalised domestic violence. When I was young anything that didn’t lead to hospitalisation wasn’t even called domestic violence but words like Züchtigung (chastisement). It may be more open than in the past.
‘The more serious cases might be reported, but equally harming are the cases that are not reported and accepted as ‘normal’ or diminished in everyday society due to the woman feeling that they don’t have the strength to report such incidences from lack of self-worth or fears for their own life.’ This is the tip of the iceberg situation that we only see the percentage which is above the surface. Allowing ourselves to feel the true extent of these situation reveals just how many millions of people live in this type of situation in form.
When governments focus on ‘terrorists’ and not ritual, everyday sanctioned abuse, it is by design and distracts us from seeing the full horror of what is going on behind closed doors and publicly. The design creates societies in which most people are numbed, exhausted barely getting by, unable, unwilling or denying the level of abuse in their own lives and around them.
Spot on Kehinde2012, there is a level of exhaustion from coping with what is seen, heard and felt that means we ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ till the abuse is the extreme we now have – and then we say it is someone else’s issue.
Over time our collective ‘in-action’ causes us to have a level of acceptance for what is going on around us. Our resistance to being honest about what is truly going on and our part in it then prompts us to distance ourselves from the reality of what we are allowing even further.
It’s circulation energy – we are feeding our own in-action.
Every system in the world, for example health, education, law etc is not based on love and therefore is full of abuse. To address domestic violence we have to address everything we are a part of and allowing.
Every word we utter and every movement we make either supports these changes, re-imprinting life with love, or not.
Absolutely Elizabeth everything needs to be addressed, we cannot pick and choose. It is all that needs to be addressed.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it”, which pretty much means all of us.
and that contribution for most of us, is that we have lived for hundreds of life times as who we are not, which is a pretty substantial contribution.
Our level of Individual responsibility all adds to the pool of the group and hence determines our quality as a whole.
‘The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.’ – this holds true for most countries around the globe. Governments often seem to devote their attention more towards having strategies to prevent the attacks that may happen rather than cleaning up their own back yard and supporting people to feel safe in their own homes with laws and consequences that uphold the values of the community as a whole.
Yes Alison. It’s often easier to look out and point a finger at others than ‘clean up our own act.’which relates to us as human beings also. We could ask why governments don’t do more to prevent abuse and violence in the home. They provide shelters for ‘battered’ women and children rather than treat the source of the problem: a society founded on promoting dependencies on alcohol, drugs, nicotine, processed food and countless entertainment distrations that take us away from our true essence. Outside of Universal Medicine few are supported to deeply love and care for themselves and others equally.
There are many forms of abuse, the most sinister are those that are not so obvious to what we would call abuse. Staying silent and not expressing how we truly feel about another is a form of abuse that leads to another feeling left out, ill treated, rejected and neglected. Hence expressing how we truly feel is the antidote to abuse.
It does depend however on how that person is expressing? For example Freedom of Speech has been taken by many as Freedom to Abuse, particularly online so along with this I say what is imperative is decency, respect and integrity in when we are expressing what we are feeling.
Expressing how one feels is important, also expressing with love is the key. We can express, but if its not with love then it is also another form or abuse.
This is a great one, Thomas. I’m sure not many of us would initially consider that not sharing how we are truly feeling in the moment as being abuse, but it absolutely is as we are not honouring our selves and the other person by holding back. Whatever we are feeling will be tainting all our movements and felt by the other person anyway, by choosing not to be honest and open we are denying us both the opportunity to discuss the situation and come to a resolution, providing enormous learning and healing.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein) This makes me reflect on all the times I have felt abuse come at me and not spoken up. I find I struggle the most when I have made a mistake, and as a result on some level feel that I deserve the retaliation and abuse that comes back to me. The truth is that NO MATTER WHAT has transpired there each of us always deserve to be treated with respect and nothing less.
I can so relate to what you are sharing here, Abby. If I make a mistake, I realise the abuse actually starts with myself as I feel bad that I’ve made an error and wish that I hadn’t, that I’d been more careful and aware ….. this is the entry. I can feel how the key is to be loving and thankful that I’ve been made aware that my focus has drifted and embrace the opportunity to come back to my body.
Yes, that is an issue, seeing my value as a result of the outcome of what I am doing. This can be very successful but only so far and then it becomes a major roadblock.
Domestic violence exposes how wrong our versions of family and love are, no wonder that we don´t like it to be in the open as it exposes everyone´s degree of lovelessness.
Very true Alexander. In our version of family we seem to think it is okay to use and abuse one another and accept behaviour that we would never put up with from a ‘stranger’. We have much to address at this core level in order to restore to the true values of Family, Love, Trust and Respect. It seems at present that we have much work to do.
Very true Alex, there comes a big level of discomfort around the obvious abuse – as we are asked to look much closer to home.
Yes and often the family hold is swept under the carpet but is just as harming.
Very true Alex. And when we live the false version of something and call it family etc, then we label atrocities under a word and eventually make the word completely bastardised from its original meaning.
So true Alex,, its a great deal of exposing and having to take responsibility we don’t like to be exposed.
Becoming aware of the subtle abuses is a great start, in relationships when one partner gets frustrated, their reaction may include speaking in a sharp tone and that is abuse. Friends banter and insult each other – that is abuse. People push ahead in a queue – that is abuse. It escalates and, as this article shows so clearly, one abuse leads to another and before we know it there is domestic violence. The more aware we allow ourselves to be, the more we can stop the abuse in our own lives and that in turn will inspire others to be more gentle with each other and with themselves.
That’s the key isn’t is Carmel, to realise abuse on a subtle level within our own lives and just say no to it. To do this however, we have to have an awareness of what is actually going on. It does appear that the level of abuse in society is getting worse, we are getting complacent to it, and it is happening everywhere, in the media, social media, school playground, on the tv and in the home. What is the answer, I suppose it would be to just be love and reflect to the world that abuse in any way, shape or form is not acceptable, starting with the abuse of our own bodies, cos if we stopped abusing ourselves we wouldn’t feel the need to abuse another would we.
In my own lifetime I have seen societies resilience to violence and abuse build. The music, film and TV industries reflect what is going on – where our tolerances lay. I find it hard to watch some news reports of what we are doing to each other, yet to see and call out abuse within my own environment and relationships is a foundational step towards saying no to the incessant and deep disregard of our innermost nature and one another.
I agree Rosanna. Recent experience has shown me that forms of abuse become embedded in the human psyche, with situations, and behaviour I consider abusive accepted as normal in certain communities. This is an observation, not a judgement. Knowing what it’s like to live in disregard and unaware of it, supports me to relate to others with understanding and not press the react button.
I have also noticed this particularly with film, computer games and music even for children what is considered acceptable forms of violence and abuse are way more extreme than they used to be.
That’s great Jane, that you are caring enough to write those letters, this is key to raising our awareness.
Every year what is allowed by censors/editors keeps moving in a direction that stretches what is the new normal. We are slowly being desensitized to the violence and abuse one layer at a time. What is ‘numb enough’?
Our general stance in society is to let government or local authority deal with violence and abuse, either through laws or to ‘mop up the mess’, yet they hardly touch the sides. What this blog does is show us that we are each responsible for the abuse that goes on and that when each of us is open to seeing it – at every level, the change can start from that one single point.
It’s little wonder that abuse is something we endeavour to sanitise with a variety of different terms and descriptions. To call out abuse and the root cause of it, we cannot but look back at ourselves and realize how much we have all been active players in the set-up created in the world today where abuse is rife at all levels, hidden and unhidden. Created through our own unwillingness to cherish who we are for who and what we truly are. Everything we dishonour in our bodies we are also dishonouring the world at large.
Has domestic violence and our complicity with its existence spilt out and accepted on the job? The sex scandals in the movie industry is an example and how long has that been allowed or over looked, once again the other way. Abuse untreated may just be a thorn; infection only requires that one small point to affect the whole when ignored!
Those of us that swear blind that we would never abuse either ourselves or another are the trickiest to deal with, as we will contest this to the death; at least those who are able to admit that they are abusive are open to the possibility of change.
Abuse displays itself through a wide spectrum, ranging from the obvious physical, verbal to the less obvious but still felt and real as described in the way of “… living on eggshells, tip-toeing around their partner…” What constitutes ‘abuse’ to one may be defined differently by another, which highlights how there must also be a wide range of definitions of the term ‘love’ and ‘self-love’.
We are – every one of us – a Son of God, which means we have the same innate qualities. So anything less than living and expressing that is already introducing a level of harm and abuse. THIS is the level of fine-tuning we ought to be living at.
Yet – in every other area of human life humanity seems to be running with the waywardness of the spirit, instead of the love of the Soul, and keeps justifying that what we have is okay because it is not as bad as something else. But any justification whatsoever shows that we already know there is something wrong. So the question is are we prepared to stand up and honour what we know, or will we wait until our back is well and truly against the wall?
Abuse of any kind no matter who or where it comes from is not acceptable and so much of what is affecting us come from an under-current of energy that holds us back from re-connecting to the “loving and precious” beings we all are.
It’s a sad thing when any person lives on eggshells, be it in their own home, at work or anywhere else in life.
It makes me also think of supply and demand, when we as a society in every way and form would stand up against domestic violence then the government could not not take action.
‘Keeping the peace’ is a dangerous past time. It keeps the abusive behaviours covered up and unacknowledged. So we are not providing peace at all, just delaying the inevitable.
I agree Rebecca and it’s is always better to deal with any situation fully as early as possible.
‘There are so many women who are living on eggshells, tip-toeing around their partner like prisoners in their own homes, feeling powerless and anxious about how to leave their situation without further abuse, and at times simply doing everything possible to survive.’ we have all felt this on a basic level at times when we are around someone who is upset and we can feel that they may react to something that we may do – imagining the fear that it brings that this reaction could be physical violence toward us highlights the extent to which this has escalated and that is now accepted as part of life or something that we ignore as long as it is not happening to us.
Abuse starts small and grows and proliferates from there as we keep ‘normalising’ what is neither respectful, loving or caring and natural, i.e. in sync with our nature.
When I am really connected to my joy, I can feel such a delicate care and beauty within me. To express anything less than this exquisite tenderness, towards my self and one another, is an abuse. It is not until we meet such sweetness within our selves that we can truly understand just how precious we all are and what a dis-grace it is to behave in any other way.
I have noticed that when we look abuse in the eye, its power diminishes. It seems to only have power when we cower to it and pay more credence to whatever game it is playing than we do to our own essence.
What is used as so called normal ends up coming out from under the carpet as a shooting, or some form of homicide down the track somewhere.
It certainly is the tip that of the societal iceberg, murder is an extreme version of what occurs everyday, there is abusive behaviour experienced by many of us regularly in how we are treated and how we treat others. Murder does not come from no where, there are many moments of abuse that build up to it occurring.
“I know for myself, I wasn’t willing to look at the abuse I lived with in my own life.” a great point, the same here – the areas we refuse to look at for our abuse are things that mean we don’t want to be open to the truth of what level of abuse is actually going on.
I heard about someone whose partner is a gambler and it reminded me that any addiction we have and bring into the home is an act of domestic violence.
It is an interesting quote and so easy for anyone to sit back and say we can’t do anything about it. But every little thing we can change on a daily basis by not accepting any abuse in our lives, will make changes to the bigger picture. Slowly abuse will become unacceptable because it is not how we should be living.
We even live with the terrorist within aka our spirit as outlined here: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-spirit.html at Unimedpedia Spirit.
What a very, very sorry combination of words we see in the title of this blog. That alone is enough for deep consideration before even reading the blog. Firstly what have we come to if we have the words Domestic and Violence together and to even consider Abuse as Normal you have to wonder how far we (humanity) have fallen.
Your Einstein quote sums up domestic violence succinctly!
You had a true antidote for the abuse by self-honouring – listening to what you were truly feeling and not dismissing yourself or doubting yourself in any way, this is something we all must master if we want to see abuse in whatever form it comes in, be a thing for the history books.
When we keep the secrets of abuse in the home, we will inevitably normalise it and keep silent when it occurs in our workplace and communities. Whilst this is often done to not attract more abuse as a solution it does not work long term. When we demonise the people who speak up against abuse we are in effect perpetuating it.
No matter what way we look at it, we have normalized abuse especially domestic violence as its not only everywhere but we now only recognize extreme forms of abuse as being ‘out of the norm’. What if anything but love was abuse?
‘It wasn’t until I began to address the abuse I lived with from myself and others that I realised the cycle of abuse I had come to think as me was in truth miles away from the loving and precious woman I am, and that it was time to really honour myself and treat myself with love and respect.’ – it’s through the self-honouring that we have the clarity to see and feel the extent of the abuse we have allowed in and accepted. Love shines a light on anything that is not love.
‘To bring any true change, we could begin by speaking more freely about the subtle forms of abuse in our relationships with others and explore the abuse we are encountering in our own lives, no matter how small or large this may be.’ – thereby normalising open discussion about what is actually going on in our home, at work in our community and supporting each other to address and stop the abuse, instead of normalising the acceptance of it.
If we normalise abuse within the homes, there is no way we are going to speak up about the atrocities that happen outside of it.
‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’ Honouring our feelings gives us an honesty about what we accept or not, from ourselves and others and is the start of bringing true value back into our lives.
I love the lightness in bringing it to this point – the way out of this situation does not lie in judgement of the reason we are here but in returning to a true way of living with ourselves and others.
It’s interesting how we can justify our inaction when faced with, ‘minor’ acts of abuse, by convincing ourselves that compared to the plethora of terrible atrocities going on in our world today, it’s not that bad. Such illusion – that’s showing that we’re already accepting a certain level of abuse as being normal or acceptable. Abuse is abuse however great or small it is, an acceptance of any abuse is an acceptance of all abuse.
As humans we have the capacity to hold ourselves and others with deep love and understanding. If there is anything that we find irritating or infuriating about someone we need to look at ourselves first before blaming, hating or attacking. Perhaps if we understood where our reaction was coming from and why, we would have more of a capability of stopping any form of attack and instead bringing the understanding we are capable of. Anything that is not of a loving nature is an attack and is abuse. We need to be aware of this in order to stop domestic violence as it is currently known.
If the walls of our homes were not solid, or if they were open and we could see behind closed doors, so to speak, I think we would be in for a shock in terms of how we relate to each other. It is possible, that there is something about the way we accept ways of being treated and spoken to because it is from ‘family’ rather than what we would allow from others.
Definitely, you raise a great point here, Rachel. There are patterns of behaviour that play out in families that are so deeply entrenched and they are accepted as normal and just the way things are, irrespective of whether they are abusive or not. It’s as though we are conditioned to accept our family as they are, in spite of their behaviour.
If we all lived in glass houses exposing everything we are, would there be a need to throw stones?
The statistic “one woman is killed in Australia every week by a current or former partner …” is alarming, raising the importance of how relationships we have with ourselves comes before the relationship we then develop and build with one another.
It is fascinating to observe and see where priorities lie for a country. This example is mind baffling that domestic violence is expected and accepted as normal yet the resources government have and power ignores such devastating issues. But what I do love in this blog is how it actually also comes back to us individually and how we let abuse in on the smallest scale play out in our lives, start with ourselves first and then others. We can all stop and bring much needed awareness to what we are accepting as normal.
It is a fact that more emphasis and funds are placed on protecting borders in the aim of making a country safe, yet there is far more danger of attack and death from within the boundaries of our own homes, even the extremely common (normal) disrespect and bullying experienced at work is now not seen as a dangerous signal.
Well said Rosanna – our news headlines are dominated by outrage at terrorism and the groups who employ it as the way of attacking others and yet there is a strong similarity between it and domestic violence which we have seemingly accepted as part of life in our societies.
‘What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse?’ – not only are we saying no to the abuse, physically and energetically, but we are also giving the abuser the opportunity to stop and deeply consider their behaviour, allowing greater awareness, understanding and the consideration to choose love over abuse moving forward.
Understanding that in every case of domestic violence it is a 50/50 contribution from both parties is key, even though one person may be more obviously abusing the other. This understanding allows the opportunity for true self-responsibility rather than blame or playing the victim.
“I now know that when we stay silent or ‘keep the peace’ to avoid rocking the boat, we can end up staying in an arrangement that gives abuse a louder voice.” – Silence feeds abuse…turning a blind eye feeds abuse… pretending it is not happening, feeds abuse…It is only in the face of evil that we can put an end to the very thing that we feed, that stops us from living who we are in full.
Awesome blog Anna, in supporting us to realise that domestic violence and abuse is something we need to address together as a society, but that it all begins within each one of us us in terms of us allowing ourselves to care more deeply for ourselves and bring that self respect and value, first and foremost!
It’s interesting that there are campaigns all over to rid the world of war yet not so many to rid the world of domestic violence… perhaps it is time to adjust our priorities.
‘It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society.’ And it is this silence that allows us to play down abuse that we foster in our own lives.
“It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society…” How true this statement is!
To discuss this huge and shocking topic and to invite us all to consider the impact of us self-honouring ourselves, on the abuse in the world is inspiring – because there is something we can do about a global crisis and we can be touched by the fact of our connection to one another.
When people hear the words domestic violence, I see that men can feel guilty/ashamed and women can go into blaming. A wall appears between the sexes and neither take responsibility for the little choices to abuse ourselves or others that allows domestic violence to be so rife and silently tolerated in society.
“…have we Normalised this Abuse?” – the fact that abuse exists as such normality is evident of our downfall as a race over the millennia. And hence we have all that amount to travel back and to heal before our normality is simply the love we are and walked away from.
With a world that lives in dishonour and self-doubt learning to honour ourselves can be tricky if we don’t have positive role models that show the way forward with this… it can be an unknown and feel a bit alien. But for me I say, thank goodness for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that has shown what self-honouring really looks like and reminding me to trust my inner-feeling and to not dismiss it.
“What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse?” I agree. Also when we begin to honour ourselves, it’s much easier to spot abusive behaviour and call it out. Someone arriving late for a meeting without giving a valid reason, is an example of abuse and routinely accepted in some communities. Unless we speak up the behaviour becomes a norm. Speaking up confirms the measure of self worth we have for ourselves.
The moment we speak to another with a tone in our voice that is unloving then we are open to being abusive. We can become aware of our feeling behind everything we say and do and this reveals our true intentions and either the harm or healing which will result.
Spot on Michael – and this abusive tone comes from the way we are with ourselves, perhaps a hardening, a disconnection, our own contraction away from what we know to be a loving way to be with another, perhaps because we too were abused and have turned to that as a way to deal with the world. This is not an excuse nor a reason to continue as such, but it is a way to understand and not judge, and then learn to build deeper and deeper the relationship with self that is far more supportive. I know I have and still am doing this in increments, as the deeper I go with learning to self respect and self love, the more I get to feel how much deeper I can go! Amazing really!
Could it be when we are feeling imposed upon by another we should simple go-for-a-walk-together and discuss our differences before it becomes an issue that we blown out of the water. So maybe, this will become an ”antidote for abuse,” rather than switching off to another feelings, or switching on the TV.
I love how you give us the antidote Anna .. all we have to do for abuse in our lives is to honour ourselves, we are worth it. When we stop dismissing and doubting ourselves, we can feel how we knew this all along.
‘Why is it that when we hear the words domestic violence, people often look the other way or feel very uncomfortable?’ I agree and I was horrified to feel in me that when I read the title of this blog part of me dismissed the words ‘domestic violence’ .. we see or hear the words domestic violence and if it does not directly affect us in someway we dismiss it!!! And this behaviour and attitude that has gone on for way to long and contributes to it. A friend posted on facebook the other day how Russia have made it legal for husbands or partners to hit and physically abuse women …. Legal!!!! Showing that 308 people against 3 in parliament voted for this … FOR this!!!! My response was ‘how can this be?’ How have we got to such a stage that we are making abuse legal! This is truly not okay and shows that much has to be addressed here. On talking further with this with a colleague of mine she mentioned a documentary that Stacey Dooley had done regarding this in Russia which is apparently quite hard hitting .. I haven’t had a chance to watch this yet http://bbc.in/2EtdoGG This is so true “The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein)
We have normalised abuse because we have already been living in abuse for abuse to have gained access in our every day lives. When we live with the love of our sacred selves eventually abuse becomes a thing of our distant past to render it impossible or unimaginable that we ever even lived that (abusive) way in the first place.
Stopping abuse starts with how we are with ourselves as this dictates the abuse we allow in our life.
Very true Susan. The real war is already occurring in our homes and therein lies the answer to all war, to build a home of love. If we really take this to heart, how can we ever produce a human being who would know how to be aggressive?
I used to beat myself up when I became aware of the abusive ways with myself and allowed from others, but this in itself is an abuse. Getting to a place where there is much less judgement of myself supports me greatly in looking more clearly at the abuse I am choosing and allowing to be in my life.. and also of the abuse in the world.
‘Then, over time, I became more willing to see the abuse I had accepted from myself and others without any judgment or self-bashing.’ this is so important, to not judge or bash oursleves with the awareness of abuse we have allowed in our lives..and this in turn allows to take the steps to change how we have been.
Yes, awareness is an opportunity to change, not a weapon for further abuse.
‘ … if we are considering the safety of our citizens, then we need to look at what is happening in our homes every day.’ – how do we treat our selves on a day to day level, how do we treat each other, do we have different standards for family members versus our friends or work colleagues ….. I feel this blog really poses the question for us all to look at how we are truly living and consider to what extent have we allowed any abuse into our lives.
The smallest self-abuses we accept as a normal leave the door wide open for bigger abuses to walk into our lives un-abated! “Evil lurks in the heart of man, and anonymity tends to bring it out” (Sophocles)
I wonder if domestic violence has always been normalised? In quite a few religions husbands beating wives is accepted and in some cultures we find that female skeletons from the very recent past have extensive bruising on their skulls and broken bones. The further back we go, the worse it may be.
I have abused many, many people throughout my life and the starting point for all of that abuse was my self abuse. I am now deeply honouring of many people in my life and again the starting point for that honouring is the fact that I honour myself.
Couples can swear at each other or they bicker, nit picking here and there – it is all forms of abuse, may not be physical violence but energetically it is the same and can be psychologically damaging in a way that leads to poor physical health.
“equally harming are the cases that are not reported and accepted as ‘normal’ or diminished in everyday society” – we absolutely have a say, through what we accept (or do not accept), in the level of love our communities know as normal.
Shortly after I got married some people asked how things were going. I shared with them that they were awesome, and they seemed surprised and said, ‘give it time’. I can feel how this attitude that being married or in a long-term relationship brings an expectation of problems contributes to us accepting that things can become abusive. We should realise the potential of relationships to deepen and be more of our true selves, bringing more love and understanding to life – I can understand how this is not the case for many relationships but can also clearly see and am experiencing the possibility for them to be constantly more loving and evolving.
Super interesting Michael – so is the normal for relationships to gradually allow more and more abuse in (because we are ‘nice’ and don’t call it out), or could it be an opportunity to work through all those little bits of abuse and then the relationship deepens? Always our choice….
Domestic violence opposed to what, global violence? Does one foster and support the other? Abuse causes a hurt that is unresolved, that creates an acorn.
And left alone, an acorn grows into an oak tree, which, left to grow, then produces a plethora of acorns and so the cycle continues.
When we choose to love instead of abuse for ourselves, we will not accept it from others and have a responsibility to call it out when it happens.
“The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.” And so we become our own terrorists by the way we choose to treat our selves. And therein lies our biggest lesson, that strangers do not just impose the violence in this world upon us, it can be fed by our internal anger and frustrations born from the lack of true self-regard.
With the Florida high school massacre in USA yesterday, it begs the question, how bad do things have to get before changes are made? These shootings are happening so often that there is almost an acceptance that they will occur, which is horrendous to even consider. It’s not if, but when, where and how bad will it be.
Yes, is it considered a price worth paying or not too high a price for many in the US?
‘If we look abuse in the eyes instead of retreating as I once did, it becomes a powerful tool for change.’ I have cowered in the face of much abuse in the belief that ignoring it would make it go away or not be so painful. I thought to see it in all its ugliness was like volunteering to be crushed because I’d stood up. But all I had been doing was covering up my eyes and like a little child say, ‘there you can’t see me now because I can’t see you.’ To not feel abuse I have found requires me to abuse myself in someway by numbing out what I feel. Far wiser to feel abuse when it is at play and move in a way that doesn’t allow it in.
Everywhere we look we see images of violence, we have become masters at desensitising our selves to the reality of physical and emotional violence to such an extent we think it normal. Our bodies are so sensitive, as are the beings living inside them! The biggest question humanity has to ask itself is why in this world, we are choosing to ignore our precious and glorious nature and pretend that violence is am ordinary component of life.
We have normalised living a life of mediocrity and of championing behaviours that prevent us from living life as the spectacular beings that we are. And all of this is our own choosing.
Yes… Another symptom of a world where the values are totally reversed to the way they should be… where decency respect and honouring are normal and self-love and appreciation are the foundations of everyone’s life.
I totally agree the values that we live by or what we take as normal today is so far away from the true values we know and feel. The true values that we have to suppress for the fact that they are so rare in society. Yet the true values if we didn’t supress them would change the world.
The fact that most of us cringe at the use of the word abuse whilst we tolerate its existence by our silence, is a huge indication of the lack of responsibility we have become accustomed to live with.
This irresponsible way of living in no way reflects the truth of who we are, we are allowing in an energy that is the complete opposite of the love that we are. It’s through surrender and choosing to honour ourselves that we allow the space to identify any unresolved hurts, when nominated we close the entry points preventing the abusive energy from repeating it’s pattern.
‘The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself.’ and I love the simple ways you outline. So many of us can benefit from this knowing.
Some may say that normalised abuse and silent abuse are worse than the obvious physical/gruesome abuse that we see. And I would tend to agree with that statement as how do you deal with something that is under a pretence of being ‘Okay’ or even ‘non-existent’?
Yes, it really pays to be aware and honour this awareness because then we can respond to the abuse directly and not get affected by it. Otherwise we may find ourselves much affected but further down the line and not know the means by which we let it in so it is harder to remove.
The un-dealt with hurt is like grape juice spilt on a white carpet, the longer it is left, the harder it is to remove.
Another ugly symptom of living in separation from our true self – through reconnecting to all that we truly are, individually and together, will remove the possibility of these things being present in our way of life.
Great point Doug of the mental abuse that can go on for years and never leave a visible mark, how do we know how widespread this problem is? It usually is only found out after tragic incidents. The other end of the scale is the US. Between 2009 and July 2015 a survey found 57% of mass shootings (more than four people killed), the shooter targeted a family member or partner.
Ignorance is not bliss; it is just ignorance. But ignorance is just something we do not know and sometimes something we choose not to know!.
Very true, Steve. How much of what we are not ‘seeing’ is actually known, because our bodies feel and register every thing, but we are choosing not to feel it through numbing ourselves with food or whatever it is for us, thereby, avoiding bringing it into are awareness?
The more we make a move to our fragility and tenderness, the more apparent the layers of abuse that previously we would have accepted as quite normal behaviour. Fine tuning our inner relationship builds a steady adherence to self respect that only has one way to move – respecting everyone else too.
“There are so many women who are living on eggshells, tip-toeing around their partner like prisoners in their own homes” you know this is very common, even to a much lesser degree there can be an underlying anxiousness in a relationship due to an unpredictability of a partner’s behaviour where this tiptoe posture is almost unnoticed in its ‘normality’, yet it is far from the trusting, steady and loving relationships we are capable of having.
Abuse is abuse… even in the smallest detail of how we treat ourselves, in how we pick something up or touch something – it is all energy and always felt.
People are so used to abusing their so-called ‘loved ones’ that it has become commonplace to be cruel and harsh with family members. The other day I was visiting an elderly client who always speaks glowingly of her daughter that I got the impression they had a great relationship, but then I met the daughter, and the mother was very cutting with the way she spoke to her. It was as if it was a different person sitting in front of me and I could tell that the daughter was upset and embarrassed to be spoken to in this way in front of me.
It is a significant fact that by accepting abuse we too are abusing. We are in effect saying that it is okay for another to remain in their hurt, disconnection and emptiness and for the force of evil to come through them , because when in their true essence love would be their expression. Saying no to abuse supports both the abused and the abuser.
“It is a significant fact that by accepting abuse we too are abusing.” It is clearly all round a lose-lose scenario, and on the flip side by calling out abuse we not only put a stop to that energy in the immediate instance but also it rings around the globe in ripples, to be known by everyone.
I so love this ripple effect talk. I am getting it more and more than nothing, absolutely nothing, takes place in isolation of everything else. Every single thought, word, action or movement has repercussions far deeper and wider than we allow ourselves to even imagine. How significant then is it for us to pay attention in detail to the quality of our every single interaction.
We cannot normalise abuse from the domestic kind to bullying in the work place. Abuse is abuse and we need to see it as such.
It really does defy belief what we have been able to normalise over the ages and this domestic violence crisis is no exception, and it is a crisis and we do need to speak up and we do need to offer support and look at it from all angles without judgement to any party.
Any word, movement, choice or thought that dis-honours the truth of who we are is a form of abuse. With a commitment to this absolute and simplicity, then the way forward is clear.
“The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself.” This is the key to self worth.
Perhaps one of the reason why we don’t want to know about domestic violence is because we do not want to face the fact that those closest to us abuse us rather than cherish us?
I agree Elizabeth and perhaps we choose this rather than to look at what we need from them that we do not love within ourself.
Our silence is a deep level of responsiblity that we desperately are running from. The question is what is so mighty that we feel we need to ignore and run away from it when we really do know it is happening and know how harmonious it can really be when we are equals.
It feels very strong to be having this conversation about abuse. Bringing the truth of it to our daily lives and maybe conversations beyond this thread; waking us up to the ways we contribute to the enormous abuses in the world.
I agree Matilda – this needs to be talked about everywhere, to bring a real awareness to the disharmony we are allowing and living on a daily basis.
Yes, Matlida. Thanks for this. I find it very comfortable to talk about such things on pages like these, but do I really stop and express this so openly elsewhere? Sometimes, yes. Consistently, no as there is still a holding back in certain situations. How pertinent to note therefore that this in itself allows and contributes to the enormous abuses in the world. Ouch.
It certainly is up to us to nominate even the smallest of abuse – to see it for what it is. But I have to be honest that the abuse I have allowed in my life has always confirmed my self worth – when I was not feeling great or appreciating myself, then abuse from others was easy to allow.
“What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse?” There was a saying at work that was if you deal with the small things, we never end up with the big issues. To me it’s therefore logical that if we are willing to look at the small amounts of abuse then we will not accept the more extreme levels.
The more I ponder on what abuse it, the more I begin to realise the subtle ways we accept abuse and dish it out. What a disgrace it is to our immense fragility within, especially when we know deep down that the power of our tenderness can melt the hardest of hearts.
I agree. The moment we do something that goes against our loving nature, there is a question to ask ourselves. Rather than doubt what we have sensed and start the ‘toughening up’ process, perhaps we should look more deeply into where the impulse to act that way came from.
I agree Doug the world has got this wrong and it starts with the subtle forms of abuse such as raising our voices which we accept and then slowly the forms get more and more out of control until we have the situation today where levels of domestic violence are accepted. The more we see ourselves as love first and foremost then we will see that anything less than love is abuse otherwise we will continue to play this game of hurt and blame without being all the love we so easily can be.
It sure can as at least with physical abuse you have a mark to show for it whereas with verbal abuse you can start to doubt yourself that it happened and then the justifying easily kicks in.
Our mind can play some many tricks and games with us. The more we value ourselves the more we say no to anything which is not love because we feel the difference and this becomes more and more refined the more love we allow ourselves to live with. Playing the victim game helps no one and just cements the thoughts deeper.
I agree Doug, rather than giving in to what society feels we ‘should’ do when we are the recipient of abuse, no matter how small or insignificant it may appear to another, it’s up to us to honour how we feel and in so doing we are laying a foundation for others to feel that they too have the choice to honour themselves and say no to all abuse.
A while ago I noticed how I spoke to my son compared with how I spoke to other people. I spoke to him in a way that I would never speak to other people and when I realised this it shocked me to the core. Why was it ok for me to do that? Was it ok because we were family?
These days we consider violence in all its varied forms as abuse but don’t stop to consider the way we treat ourselves with negative self-talk and disregard as abuse… but any way we treat ourselves that is not loving = abuse… anything that does not come with the true quality of love = abuse.
When we do stop to consider how ‘un-loving’, therefore, how ‘abusive’ we are towards ourselves, we start to realise how much abuse we have already accepted and therefore, how much abuse we are considering as ‘normal’.
I agree Jane. It calls on us to feel how we do not honour ourselves above all else, and that it is this self-disregard that then leads to the abuse we see proliferate on a wider scale.
‘There are so many women who are living on eggshells, tip-toeing around their partner like prisoners in their own homes, feeling powerless and anxious about how to leave their situation without further abuse, …’ – the more self-honouring we are, we can all support these women, and men, to know they too have a choice in how they choose to care for themselves.
If we are silent to the very things that we already see, hear and feel we are feeding it.
I came to re-read this blog this morning and didn’t get any further than the first two words of the title “Domestic Violence”. When I really stop and allow myself to feel this, it is so exposing and so awful to consider. We claim ourselves as evolved, or the superior race, or technologically advanced…or whatever…and yet, here we are physically, emotionally, mentally and energetically abusing the people we live with, the people we are professing to ‘love’. It’s pretty sobering and asks the fundamental question – ‘how did we get to this place?’
If we lived in a way that was self-honouring, abuse wouldn’t have a door way in. It wouldn’t even be able to get near this non-door.
It is interesting how generally in humanity we like to focus on some things and make them news but choose to ignore others. I would say there are many issues like domestic abuse that could be given far more time and prominence – not to be negative or pessimistic but as a reality check of our health as a species and that there are some serious cracks in our socities that we need to be looking at.
‘When one woman is killed in Australia every week by a current or former partner (1), it is not an exaggeration to say domestic violence is a serious issue that needs addressing.’ We have become so inured to the reality of what this means that statistics like these no longer shock. Once upon a time, any murder was immediately headline news; now there are so many of them that they hardly raise an eyebrow.
We can often think there is abuse all around us but ‘not in my back yard’, nothing to do with me. As you say Anna, when we look at any of our behaviour that is less than full of love, it is abusive. This is a bit of a jolt and makes us wake up and ask how we are living.
It is hard to believe in this day and age that Russia has just decriminalised wife beating. They voted 380 – 3 so it is now legal to beat your wife without being prosecuted for the first time offenders.
Not just against wives, but any family member, unless it’s a repeat offence or causes serious medical damage ….. I came to a big stop moment when I read your comment Julie, thinking, this can’t be true, surely. How could a group of people, supposedly looking after the welfare of their country make such a heinous decision.
I investigated this further because I just couldn’t believe it to be true, and found this in an article in The Economist; “Scripture and Russian tradition, the church said, regard “the reasonable and loving use of physical punishment as an essential part of the rights given to parents by God himself”. And so the root of the evil is further exposed.
I have found that building a foundation of loving choices in a relationship naturally begins to expose all that is not of that same quality and there come the realisation that it is this which is not of that same quality which constitutes abuse.
Thank you for this powerful sharing Anna. When each of us claims the love that we are we will accept nothing less from anyone or anything else.
“The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack”. This is an example of blatant lies and misleading information from media and government. Because domestic violence is not given the attention it deserves, it continues unabated and largely hidden from view.
We like to think we have become more sophisticated with time, however we don’t need to scratch too deeply to see that we have progressed very little in terms of evolving our relationships. It seems it is much easier to express our frustrations than it is to share our love, joy and appreciation, but that is what we are all longing for and as those who study with Universal Medicine are discovering, is our innate and very awesome nature.
There’s so much abuse in the world, but what I’ve seen recently is how much judgement impacts here. By saying something is bad or wrong we cut ourselves off from understanding and going deeper with asking ‘why’. Domestic violence is not a blip on chart but a big clue to help us better understand the truth of who we are. Thank you Anna.
Yes, I agree with you Joseph, it is so easy to slip into judgement and think oneself superior of such situations but that leaves oneself disconnected to what is really going on and where oneself has aspects of abuse in ones life.
Domestic violence is not just physical abuse; in our locality there was an eruption of a domestic argument where a man and a woman were shouting and swearing at each other in the street in the middle of the night. Eventually the police came and things quietened down but we found ourselves asking, how do we let our relationships get to such an awful state of abuse where we are not in control of our emotions and hurl abuse at each other regardless of the consequences? An argument can be as small as a few strong words but the energy is still the same, underlying hurts not being dealt with and anger expressed over a deep underlying sadness.
Making the commitment to honour our gorgeous selves, we will begin to truly treasure everything that we are and in turn, therefore, everything that everyone else is, also. We all have the ability to stamp out abuse, we are the ones currently giving it air time. Through the power of living our own loving choices the magnetic pull for others to feel and connect with the love within themselves will become stronger and stronger as the tide of change begins.
‘If we don’t look at the more subtle forms of abuse, we may never be willing to look at how we can heal and address the darker and deeper forms of it.’ … it’s quite shocking once we commit to this first step, to being very honest about how we are living and what we are accepting or even instigating that is not loving, particularly towards ourselves with those ‘self-bashing’ thoughts and judgments that can so easily creep in.
Indeed Anna it is our silence which allows abuse, corruption, inequality and greed to proliferate.
“The statistics for domestic violence in Australia are shocking to say the least and expose just what really goes on behind closed doors in our ‘lucky country.’ These statistics don’t include the many incidences that go unreported.” thats the trap we think we are lucky, we think we are advanced and we think we are ‘1st world’ and yet there is so much abuse that we allow and that is common in all our lives. What if we said ‘1st world’ had to be a world without abuse? That might change a few statistics..
I like what you are saying here DN that we need to measure true success and advancement as a society based on the level of decency, care and respect that we have for one another not base it on technology or wealth or assets.
When we build our self care and self love, abuse and any dishonouring begins to stand out like a sore thumb: “So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way. The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself. It was the simple things like eating more nurturing foods, having a walk, not allowing any self-deprecating thoughts, going to bed early, and surrounding myself with supportive and loving friends that made a significant difference to how I felt every day.”
Domestic violence is often viewed as the extreme physical damage that can occur, and is obvious and clear in its effects – but what if there are far more subtle ways that domestic violence can actually take place, a way that does not leave bruises that can be seen? And as Anna explores in this blog, how important is it to not turn a blind eye to the smallest of abuses as otherwise this simply feeds the smaller and supports it to grow into the bigger.
More and more people are trying to implement more strict rules against abuse in schools and business etc, but if the person holding the policy doesn’t live an understanding of what is abuse and what is true love and respect, then no change will truly occur – how can someone who accepts a certain kind of verbal abuse as normal then recognise it as abuse when it is directed at another?
Very true, Rebecca, sometimes it feels as though these policies are born purely from reaction and are more about making it ‘look’ as though something is being addressed, rather than a true intent and commitment to actually deal with the problem by getting to the root cause.
I would say in many cases, there is a desire to change, to make it better, a genuine sense that something is deeply wrong in society and we need to address it – but what often happens is that we just try and solve it, we try and apply policy to a situation that is an issue first and foremost at the root of a way of living. Just like someone covered in dirt cannot make something else clean, a society run by abuse and lies and lack of truth cannot truly heal one of the many manifestations of that energy without first addressing how they are.
Perhaps we tend to look away because so many of us have personal experience including feeling powerless while it happens – parents, spouses, siblings, uncles, aunts, perhaps even cousins.
Marika, reading this article makes me realise how little this subject is spoken about, it feels like we pretend it does not exist, to start this conversation feels important, thus allowing women, men and children to come forward that are experiencing abuse – if they choose to. If it remains a taboo and ‘hush hush’ subject, then this makes it more difficult for victims of abuse to come forward.
I notice there is still a reticence in me to speaking out rather than just ‘keeping the peace’, so it is interesting to observe what is playing out where I disconnect from feeling that truth is always going to be the most loving choice no matter what.
This is a very much needed conversation given the prevalence of abuse and our blanket acceptance of it. In fact more so than acceptance, one day we will come to realise that we invite it via the abuse we inflict upon ourselves. Because how do we really treat ourselves? Is it with the upmost reverence, the preciousness and deep care we would treat someone, a being, we know is so precious? Or do we by-pass any such quality, and move harshly about our day, eat in a way that numbs our awareness to how sensitive and delicate we are, so that we do not have to take the responsible steps that such awareness would bring.
The externalisation of abuse, rife in our societies todays, is the internalisation of the abuse we have allowed and fostered. The war outside of us is always a reflection of the war within.
It can become a vicious cycle of being aware of the abuse but as you say the self bashing and judgement plays out. This takes the abuse to another level and just cements it further in our bodies for us to deal with later.
This to me is a very powerful blog because it is asking us to look at the abuse we as individuals allow in our own lives. Not just how we are with others but with ourselves first.
There was another story recently of a family of 13 siblings held captive by their parents for 19 years! And, the neighbours did not question anything. The story is not a one-off, how many other heinous levels of abuse have also come to the light of day in recent years and is this just the tip of the iceberg that still lays hidden? The time to stand up and say no as you have said is now!
Yes women are in dire situations living with domestic violence, but many women choose to stay in these relationships because they do not want to take the responsibility that would allow them to disentangle them selves from the relationship.
In a similar way to you and I, who know we are abusing ourselves say, with food, but do not do anything further about it because we would have to take more responsibility and explore why we are eating the way we are and make different food choices.
Such a great analogy, MaryLouise. I may know with every cell in my body that I would not stay in an abusive relationship with a partner, yet, if I am choosing to eat foods that I know do not support me, but I eat them anyway, I’m already in an abusive relationship with myself, it’s the same energy.
Looking at all the ways we allow abuse and abuse others, is exposing, and it takes great courage and honesty to do it, but this is the only way to bring true loving changes to our own lives and all life.
Yes, including what we do ourselves.
“The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.” How crazy we spend so much time and money not to mention energy wizzing up paranoia often coming from our media sources when in fact the real terror is right under our noses – what we conveniently forget and push under the carpet is often far more sinister.
Well said Sam – why is it not domestic violence and abuse which is the center stage of our news and media highlighting the greater risk – because it means taking more responsibility and asking some deeper questions as to why it is such a prevalent problem of which we are all part.
Very true Sam. We have normalised abusive behaviour in many different ways. Consider how government and food industries produce, sell and market ‘food’ products that are toxic: sugar salt, chemicals and other addictive substances. And as a consequence each year millions of people are harmed by eating these foods or die. Illness and disease as a consequence of ill-life style choices and an inability to discern between food that nourishes the body and ones that do not, is a form of systemic as well as self-abuse. The question we could ask is who are the real terrorists?
When we are prepared to look at even the smallest details of abuse in our own lives, we then have a solid foundation and marker to call out and expose all other forms of abuse in the world – whether they be big or small.
So true Paula and in doing so we realise that what was acceptable one day is not the next and that this is an ever deepening process.
We have normalised so many forms of abuse we have lost sight of what true love is.
We have normalised abuse in many ways – but how do we begin to recognise abuse for what it is when we just think it’s the way life is? The honouring of what we know and feel from our body in every moment, as you share, gives us a true marker for what is truly loving and what isn’t, both in the way we are with ourself and with others.
I love the word honouring, it really encapsulates how we feel, understand and deeply love every aspect of ourselves, the exquisite preciousness that we are and the importance of supporting ourselves to be able to live this.
‘The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself.’ …. if we don’t respect ourselves first, we pave the way for others to not respect us also.
Even though it can feel a bit uncomfortable, it is great to be aware of the fact that when we don’t speak up we allow abuse to be.
If it doesn’t come from God then it’s abuse because if it doesn’t come from God then it’s been manufactured with the sole intention to keep us away from God and that is most definitely abuse.
Abuse happens in relationships where one partner may react and speak to the other with anger or has held back, repressed feelings that then emerge as a resentful outburst. Any expression of an emotional nature is abuse, sympathy is abuse, there are many subtle ways we abuse each other but society sees them as ‘normal’. We have a long way to go.
It is fascinating how we as a society have been brought up and conditioned to accept abuse as normal. It is down to each and every single one of us and that equally we have the responsibility to call out that which is not respectful and honouring of what we deserve and know to be true,
Yes the term ‘domestic violence’ has become normalised by its own term. It’s as if somehow it is ok because it is domestic and with so called loved ones. Take away the word ‘domestic’ and we are left with the word ‘abuse’ – no different to any other form of abuse. It’s time to get real and call out any kind of abuse for what it is.
Domestic Violence has become a ‘recognised’ type of abuse in Safeguarding Adults legislation in the UK. There is still though an attitude of ‘it’s a domestic’ when, for example, a husband and wife are involved. But this implies it is ‘ok’ if you are married or in a relationship – which to me is a lie, because abuse is never ok, no matter what the relationship. I tend to view things in quite a simplistic way and where abuse is concerned, my feeling is that to abuse, or accept abuse is not in our true nature and hence is unnatural. Why then does it happen? And how are we creating this unnatural way of being?
It is so clear what you are saying here, Anna, that the more we honour and cherish ourselves and our bodies, the less we will tolerate abuse of any kind, and this will ripple out into our lives.
And with every person who chooses to live in this way, our voice saying no to abuse of any kind becomes louder and stronger, energetically making it harder and harder for the abuse to survive.
Why has the level of domestic abuse sky-rocketed? Not only in numbers, but in the level violence? Could it be, it has always been there, but then, what is normal and allowed on TV that keeps getting more graphic with every new season is slowly numbing us to the real world? What if we were to turn off the devices and stand up and feel into what we have allowed to be normal? Change is always just a choice away.
This asks a great question of how willing are we to participate in life, to make a point of being aware of what is really going on and then being willing to speak up and leave behind the ‘nice’ or ‘good’ and put what we feel is going on out there?
What you expose Anna is the continuum of abuse that exists and extreme forms only exist because we accept everything that comes before. Non-acceptance of abuse at every level is what is called for. First we must raise awareness of the subtlest forms of abuse routinely accepted as normal.
With these kind of so called “domestic” violence statistics and the ever increasing suicide statistics and sexual abuse, child pornography etc etc etc – when are we going to stand back, stop finger pointing at the symptoms and really truly deeply consider what is going on with us as a species and what is our personal responsibility in all this?
To live and support our movements based on a deep respect of the male or female body is a simple yet powerful model for others that comes from living a life free of any abuse.
‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’ – I love the power and authority in what you are sharing here, Anna. A power that is felt when we honour, claim and live our divinity with an absoluteness – very beautiful.
‘What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse?’ – Anna, this feels a very supportive and manageable place to start …. it’s pretty overwhelming when we consider the extent and force of the abuse that exists in our society as a whole. In overwhelm we can feel defeated and give up. To start with ourselves and nominating the ways in which we are allowing abuse into our own lives, even from our self, we arrest the ill energy and are no longer allowing it to be a part of our lives. Therefore, we can support, through our lived authority, to eradicate the abuse throughout our society as a whole.
We have normalised a lot of different forms of abuse by not speaking up and exposing even the smallest abuse… however whilst we continue to abuse ourselves with our self-talk and the way we treat ourselves, then there is very little in the way of non-abuse reflected for us all to see and feel, and be inspired by to make our own changes.
“What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse? …” This is a great question to ask ourselves and one that helps trace back to where abuse actually starts.
Its like starting at kindergarten and getting the basics right, and then if we come across a more serious situation we already have tools developed and a more natural relationship with saying something.
I love that you are not comparing them as more or less abuse, Doug. I absolutely agree, for me using a more tense tone towards someone is already abusing another. It might be much less obvious or loud- my standards much different to another persons- but I still put water into the same pool, as someone who is screaming and hitting someone. Feeling that high level of responsibility and actually realising that it causes the same harm in the end, shows that it is not about the extreme or the biggest dramatic stories. Abuse is very subtle in everyone lives and we have to be very very honest to renounce whenever we step into it. Even with the most tiniest thought.
Attuned to what love feels like does highlight everything that is not- immediately. For the first time you then feel, how already so called ” small” or “tiny” moments are already very harming and painful to receive.
For me your blog feels like pointing a flashlight into the dark. We, as women, know exactly, what selfloving choices are and which not. But turning a blind eye to it, to stay hidden and not fully claiming a change that is needed. It needs us women in our power, supporting each other to lift the curtain and step back into our innate wisdom and strength. If we stay comfortable and let abuse run in our lives ( with ourselves and through others), who will guide the way?
A point to add to this very important article, is the even more silent abuse occurring in homes across the world against men. The abuse of women and children is becoming more recognised, but in the UK there are only 18 refuges for men across the country, and none in London, despite the fact that more than 40 per cent of victims of domestic violence are male and this figure is only rising. I recently saw a post when people where asked what the craziest thing they had done to their male partner was, in a joking way, and so many of the responses that came back could have been read almost as ‘funny’ and evidence of the craziness of women, but all of them, from physical abuse to burning their partners belongings, to in one case, trying to run their partner over, would be behaviours men would be clapped in jail for if they did it to a woman, but all the women who were sharing their stories apparently couldn’t see any of it as being in any way abusive to their male partners. Is it because we think men should just accept it, just take the abuse and it’s their fault, especially if it’s in reaction to them cheating on their girlfriend? The whole saying that ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ cannot be used to excuse abusive behaviour. Then there is also the abuse of children against their parents – what to do when you simply cannot escape your abuser, because you are their legal guardian? Abuse is abuse, no matter who is carrying it out and no matter who it is aimed at, no matter what seemingly provoked it, and in the war that is occurring behind the closed doors of our society, every man, woman and child is responsible.
Rebecca you have raised some very important points here. What you have shared about the extent of abuse experienced by men at the hand of women is shocking. Abuse is not okay in any shape or form and it does not make any difference who perpetrates it – whether it is a man, woman or a child. It is not about pointing the finger on any gender or group, but setting a foundation of respect and decency at the minimum, but really at the end of the day we need to address factors that lead to the loss of our true nature of love, harmony and care of one another to such an extent that we end up with the polar opposite of abusing and harming one another.
I agree – rather than blame and hurt and react to the abuse in the world, we need to see it as a call from society that we have so lost our way from living in as you say, a minimum of decency and respect, to reach out and so abuse another, how much inner tension and turmoil must a person being experiencing. It is for all of us to be role models in our lives of true love and respect and the ability to let go of our hurts and remain open.
To be aware of how we berate ourselves mentally is a great place to begin self-honouring – even having the tiniest thought that we are ‘stupid’ is a dismissiveness that sends shock waves through the body.
‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’
Experiencing the feeling of underlying tension in a home where this form of abuse is present clearly shows how far from our natural state of loving expression we have come and therefore how hurt those involved are – this serves no one and deep down all of us long for it to be otherwise.
We will all get abuse at us in some form or other, what we do with it is our responsibility. When we play victim, it can grab us, but when we hold firm knowing who are and not accept it, we can feel our power.
We are NEVER victims of a situation because we are the creator of all situations in our lives. Interesting to look at, if you have a life, that faces a lot of abuse in maybe a certain way- it is all there for us to learn. It is never about the person, or the abuser, it is about, why did this happen to me & what was there for me to learn, heal, claim etc..
Well said, Stefanie, everything is about energy first, which is why it’s so important to de-personalise and read the energy of what is going on and from there, learn from what is being presented. As ‘forever students’ we always have the opportunity to deepen our awareness and understanding, allowing us to take our relationships to a whole new level of connection and love.
Until I started working with young people, I was ignorant of the prevalence of domestic abuse in households. It has been a real eye-opener to see how much goes on that we brush under the carpet and keep silent about. Universal Medicine is bringing the reality of how humanity lives under the microscope, so abuse is no longer accepted as the norm and the absolute truth is there for us to consider in earnest.
The simplicity of what you share about this ‘complex’ topic is just brilliant Anna, bringing it into sharp focus that those simple things like “eating more nurturing foods, having a walk, not allowing any self-deprecating thoughts, going to bed early, and surrounding myself with supportive and loving friends” expands our awareness to all the areas of abuse, both large and small that we can now no longer turn a blind eye to.
I know there is a lot of support for abuse victims but still more needs to be done so everyone knows without any variation that any sort of abuse cannot be tolerated, let alone when it results in a death. The support needs to be there, but also people need help to see that they are not victims and we are all gorgeous sensitive beings that have the right to the love that we all are.
So true Kevin. We are deeply sensitive and tender beings who have an absolute right to the love we all are. Yes there are very deep wounds that we need to heal when we have been subject to abuse, but ultimately we are not victims to another person’s abuse, just instigators of our own. What a powerful realisation this is and one that empowers us to say ‘No’ to abuse from the inside out and reclaim our inherent worth and respect.
That’s at the core of it Kevin isn’t it. Self-worth and the knowing that there are no victims as such, unless we chose to place ourselves in such an identification and role – of our own making.
Thank you for sharing your experience of looking at all the ways you allowed self abuse and abuse from other people. Starting with how we treat ourselves makes sense, so we have an accurate physical barometer of what abuse is and is not. I love the Einstein quote. It is not the evil in the world, its that we turn a blind eye to it.
That quote says so much, it speaks to each person and our responsibility to see how we each contribute to evil.
Violence is abuse because it sends waves of harmful (violent)energy from the body of the abuser directly to the abused. It may land there but it spills out all over the place. It is intended to hurt and it does.It is intended to smash the other and it can. It is an attack on every fibre of our being. What we do not take into account is how much it also harms the perpetrator and the repercussions in the sense of karma, energetic consequence. This does not mean that we can ignore it for abuse goes against all the Laws of the Universe and it is our responsibility to shine a light on it. And, as you say, it starts with us exposing it in our own lives and not reacting but being in love that is firm and true.
Could it be that our understanding of what constitutes as ‘abuse’ is going to shift so exponentially that we will one day understand that relationships that we previously deemed as ‘ideal, happy and even loving’ are actually abusive because they are not built on establishing God’s love in the body first.
‘I began to see all the areas of abuse, both large and small, that I had conveniently turned away from before.’ – these can be sneakily disguised and poised in a ‘good’ cloak. Yesterday I got to feel how dismissive I can be of myself, particularly when I can feel some resistance in taking the next step forward. In connection to the ‘bigger picture’, that we are all a part of, I realised how I am often not honouring of myself as being an equal valued part of that bigger picture, rather I focus on the bigger picture. Yet, if I’m allowing any self judgment, that directly affects the quality of my contribution, it’s abuse.
‘Our governments and politicians work tirelessly to ensure that our borders and country remain safe and protected from any terrorist threat or attack. Yet that same focus and commitment does not secure the gates and picket fences of suburbia’ – in the USA restrictions are now in place to stop people from certain countries from entering, countries which are deemed to be havens for terrorists. Yet the government refuses to restrict the sale of firearms within it’s own borders, where, according to a US news article in the NY times in 2016 ‘the death rate from gun homicides is about 31 per million people — the equivalent of 27 people shot dead every day of the year.’ Now it’s even higher than that.
This is a brilliant exposure of the waywardness of what we call intelligence… the way we set things up, make laws etc is properly off track.
Our self abuse is so normalised that we think nothing of chastising our selves on a regular basis over the most minor of issues at times, let alone the more evidently harmful habits we have come to accommodate in our societies. The only move we can make in such an abuse drenched society is to start to live a truly harmless life and it has to begin with how we treat our selves, an ever inward journey of appreciation and respect that in time instigates a positive feedback loop that provides the world with a new benchmark.
It is remarkable how a steady reflection offers an opportunity to reassess and redefine the ‘normal’ we hold. Very true that making a change in the world always starts with us taking the first step in our own life.
Great point Anna, if we are serious about stopping the horrendous abuse that is going on in the world today we have to start with how we are with ourselves and the abuse we allow in our own life.
Kathleen spot on, the more we see abuse on all levels from the extreme to the subtle, the more we get to see the importance of looking at the subtle ways we are abusive with ourselves.
I love that you highlighted this…”In fact, it is now called ‘domestic violence,’ when in reality is it simply an extreme form of abuse.” we call it something else and almost lessen its significance, indeed why not call it out right complete abuse. It is not different if it done to someone inside or outside of your home or family.
‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’ I find this builds an inner strength in me too, Anna. This self honouring can come in many forms, from taking care with what I eat, what time I go to bed to speaking up when I don’t feel that something seems quite right.
‘If we don’t look at the more subtle forms of abuse, we may never be willing to look at how we can heal and address the darker and deeper forms of it.’ We can look out at the world and judge others for the way they behave but everything that happens is a reflection for us to consider, and hence looking at the abuse we live in our own lives, our self abuse. Our self critical thoughts, our limiting thoughts, any self talk that keeps us less than who we truly are.
It is a real failing of our world that we have normalised violence and I wonder how we can consider ourselves as an advanced civilisation when there is so much abuse, violence, war and hate.
Good question Lucy. We pride our selves on our technological advances while totally ignoring the fact that violence is escalating and we are doing nothing to abate it. An advanced civilisation puts people first, not technology.
Our true essence is love, harmony and oneness. Anything less than this is felt by every single one of our cells and causes a tension alerting us to the fact that all is not okay. The only way we can ever make it ‘normal’ is by finding a way of numbing ourselves through life.
The whole concept of abuse is one that depends on the level we consider is abusive, for my whole life that has changed from being someone raising their voice when I was a chlid and that felt abusive to going all the way to far more considered and extreme forms of abuse like mental, physical abuse. Today I’m seeing abuse not just the extreme but that how i felt as a kid was and is what abuse starts at, anything that is not deeply loving.
I have been subjected to a form of abuse at work and have learnt that, to meet that abuse with absolute transparency, resolve, self-knowing and lack of reaction, immediately and totally disables the force of that abuse. Abuse needs a victim for it to exist. If we are resolute in not being a victim, then the abuse is powerless; and thus, as this blog expresses and as many of the comments agree, the key to it is building our own self-love and self-honouring, so that when that abuse comes it can’t find a victim.
Very true, Otto, ‘Abuse needs a victim for it to exist’. I realise that on some level, I felt I deserved the bullying comments I received as a child, particularly when I was encouraged to just ignore them or look the other way. That seeded a form of acceptance that I held on to for a very long time. It was totally shocking to then be bullied in the workplace years later. No one ever ‘deserves’ any form of abuse.
Your story rings true for so many of us. I’m very sure that “looking the other way” is not the best way to deal with abuse. Abuse of any sort is unacceptable and those that are delivering it need to know that – that said, it is absolutely essential that we don’t react. To my earlier comment, reaction is the blood supply that feeds the abuse and so this becomes our life skill; do not bury our heads in the sand, stand up and say no to the abuse, but do so with understanding, love and zero reaction.
Interesting point Otto… that there can only be abuse when there are victims. “If we are resolute in not being a victim, then the abuse is powerless;” Something worth deeply considering.
Which also is exactly the equation with ourselves. And so, a dedication to honouring ourselves and the all that we are, will also disempower any of the self-abusive thoughts or movements that we may still be allowing.
I remember a long time ago hearing about someone who had sued their local council because they had tripped on a paving stone that was sticking up a little bit from the others. It baffled me totally – how about looking at where you are walking? It may seem like a silly example in the context of this blog, but there is an ever-pervasive attitude in society of ‘point the finger’, rather than look at our own part in things. More and more in life, when things don’t go well, or relationships bump, or whatever really, I am learning to pause and look at my part in it because, in truth, that is the only thing that I can change.
We have built a society perfectly designed to support us in blaming others. Lawyers and insurance brokers line their pockets as we persist in not taking responsibility for our own actions. Health and Safety programs litter our lives, because we refuse to accept that there are no such things as accidents, and that we are responsible for our movements and the effects of those movements.
One form of abuse that is not commonly known about is in families where one partner is caring for the other. Dementia patients are known for becoming aggressive, so the carer can often be abused but also if the sick partner is slow or incontinent, the caring partner can lose patience, be emotionally exhausted and unwittingly be abusive with rough handling or sharp words
Abuse is entrenched in our society at every level, be it in the home, bullying at school, politics and in our work environments. How did we get to the point where it is an accepted norm?
Wow those statistic’s are insane, 1 person a week and for it to go unreported or considered normal, that that’s just the way of life it is, is totally unacceptable. It is articles like these that help to bring our heads out of the sand and stop turning a blind eye. What if we were all to look at our own level of abuse in our own lives could that have an effect on the whole?
“Domestic Violence – have we Normalised this Abuse?” – yes, and from the look of our world it seems we have normalised everything that is not love, of love, or truly loving. Abuse or violence then is easy.
It’s a crippling fact to know that in truth there is nothing but love and yet everywhere we look, there is nothing but lovelessness.
It is crazy what can be normalised just because it is so common, I wonder has it always been this bad or is it getting worse because we are resisting the enormous love that is available to us all on earth in this present day.
Great point Kev – what are we really fighting against and would it not be so much simpler and less harmful to just to let go and surrender to it.
“The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself.” You might say that is to simple that by becoming truly honouring to oneself we can make an end to all the abuse in the world, but to me it is a way worth trying as all the other ways that are explored in society I see not have any long lasting effect.
and the irony is how much effort this must take .. it must take a huge amount of effort to continually live something that is not true!
‘It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society.’ as well as what we tolerate and accept. If we do not tolerate or accept any form of abuse, including the abuse to ourselves .. overeating, smoking, drinking etc then there will be zero room for abuse to be.
It is a great idea for us to have conversations where we openly talk about and discuss even the smallest of a use. In this way the normalcy that so many levels of abuse such as domestic abuse have gained will start to be exposed and eradicated.
A lot of people complain that the authorities and government don’t do enough to police abuse and put punishments in place, but it’s so important when making these comments that we are aware of how responsible WE have been and whether we tolerate any kind of abuse in our lives and community. Do we have a leg to stand on?
Yes, we may blame others for the abuse in the world but it is crucial to look at the abuse in our own lives before pointing the finger at others… when each of us takes responsibility for the abuse in our lives then we inspire others to also make change.
Taking responsibility for the abuse we allow within, is a move toward great change in this world.
Super powerful blog Anna. To stop the abuse in this world we must first stop the abuse within. With this we feel how precious each of us are and that even a word spoken out of love is a form of abuse.
Knowing we are precious is a great step in stopping abuse. With that knowing, only love fits.
‘When one woman is killed in Australia every week by a current or former partner ….’ sadly, there would be other areas of the world where this statistic is even higher.
Very true Alison. Something for us all to consider though is the affects abuse has on everyone around – meaning how the children around would feel, what they are growing up perceiving as ‘the norm’, what kind if adults or parents they will become, other friends and families who worry, the social and financial cost of all the support networks, the parents of those who are living in abusive relationships and the list goes on. All could potentially be avoided if we just as a collective chose to bring in self care to our lives. Just as the damage has a ripple effect do to does true change and reflection starting with relationship with self.
Abuse happens around us all of the time and my feeling is that we have become more and more numb to it and it is important to call it out, no matter how big or small it is as it doesn’t matter if its only a little thing, it all adds up. Also letting the authorities know is part of speaking up if needed. If we sit by and don’t say anything, we are in fact agreeing with and saying yes to the abuse.
In so many areas of life…
Well said Anna, and may I add, that ‘abuse is abuse’ whether it is against our-self with doubting thoughts and the condemning judgments and wishes for our-self and others to be different. “If we don’t look at the more subtle forms of abuse, we may never be willing to look at how we can heal and address the darker and deeper forms of it.”
Not only does domestic violence need to be exposed for the abuse it really is, but society generally needs to take responsibility for normalising such behaviour by turning a blind eye and choosing not to get involved
It is only by taking the abuse all the way back to its root source – the way we treat ourselves – that we will ever begin to clear its prevalence from our lives. It is imperative that we pass the laws, improve the policing and send very, very clear messages that these types of behaviour are utterly unacceptable, but, true and ever change will only come from how we are with ourselves.
And means that, despite how much we may grumble and complain about the ineptitude and corruption of our political leaders, the myopic vision of our education system, corporate greed..or whatever…actually it us, each one of us, who are the true agents of change. Which is actually pretty empowering to ponder.
Well stated Otto. Abuse abounds because we first accept it from ourselves to ourselves. When we can live in a way that brooks no abuse through self-judgment, self-critique, lack of self-worth and/or self-loathing we will find that we simply won’t be accepting it from anyone else either.
I agree Michelle, we can do much by clocking the amount of self-abuse we are allowing into our lives. This is the first step.
“It will stick out like a sore thumb” – but if your whole body is sore, you won’t notice a sore thumb.
Well said Otto. We can’t band-aid a deep wound with laws and policing. Responsibility always lies much deeper and with ourselves.
Far greater than the abuse and threat from those overseas, is the war that is being waged in every single day in hundreds of thousands of homes across every country, from the most horrific forms of abuse that result in killing, to the seemingly less horrific but no less in need of addressing, of simply ignoring someone or belittling them in their home. We can’t heal this raging abuse in our society by only focusing on the most obvious forms of abuse, every step away from a loving interaction needs addressing.
Awesome article! No abuse starts with ourselves truly honouring how precious we are and treating others equally, without judgement and with understanding. This article highlights our responsibility to be more aware of any abuse that imposes on or disempowers us or others and to not remain silent but to express our awareness of any disregard or dishonouring of ourselves or others.
Yes it comes back to addressing the abuse in ourselves first, and as we do the subtleties of this become more apparent. The more we honour ourselves the more we honour others and so the cycle and pattern of abuse can change.
It seems that often we ‘turn a blind eye’ if abuse isn’t happening in our ‘own backyards’ so to speak… but is this true when we treat ourselves with much disregard and self-deprecating thoughts – thats abuse too, so in fact none of us are immune to abuse! We all play a part in all the abuse in the world.
This blog has opened my eyes to abuse and inspired me to check out statistics of forms of abuse of women worldwide – it is shocking to read and vital to understand that there is a massive wide-range-spectrum of abuse that leads to unnecessary suffering and even death in many cases– for example, rape, female genital mutilation and human trafficking mainly for sexual exploitation. At least 140 countries have passed laws on domestic violence, and 144 have laws on sexual harassment. A call for the world to wake up and realise how far away we are from natural living and Universal Laws.
And I wonder how many countries and how many laws are in place for human trafficking, and are they truly enforced??
Yes Stephanie, all the violence and abuse in the world is a clear sign that we are not okay as a society and is a loud wake up call for all of us. But are we willing to look deeper than only establish laws and rules, which to me are only a solution?
‘The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself.’ – when we honour ourselves, accepting and appreciating all that we are, that means making choices that truly take care of every aspect of ourselves. So, it follows that we would not be able to allow in any abuse, either from ourselves or from anyone else. Standing up to any abuse towards our selves, also means standing up to any abuse towards another. What affects one of us is actually affecting us all.
The greatest abuse can be the thoughts and judgements we have about ourselves, and from this cruelty it is no wonder that we do not treat one another with love and respect.
Superb to be deepening this and yes, it is ‘cruelty’
Most people don’t even consider ‘thoughts and judgements we have about ourselves’ to be a problem, but simply, and sadly, accept them as normal. But as you say, they are actually cruel, and if we find it easy to be cruel to ourselves, how easy will it be to be cruel to another?
Thank you, Anna for writing this very much needed blog! We need to bring this topic out into the open and discuss it fully. It’s the enormous elephant in the room that everybody ignores and pretends is not there.
So True Rachel, we mouth the words on occasions but they are hollow and contain no True substance of the enormous Love we are!!
There are no levels to love, love only knows how to be one thing and that is absoluteness, whereas we certainly have made it that there are levels of abuse and it seems we have settled for a pretty low bar indeed.
What goes on behind closed doors is actually horrific and that is even before a punch is made, our everyday abuses that we allow as family units is nothing short of catastrophic and not likely to change if we keep our focus outside of ourselves.
‘I know for myself, I wasn’t willing to look at the abuse I lived with in my own life. I was abusing myself with food, unhealthy behaviours, drama and those self-deprecating thoughts that I would continually beat myself up with.’ So true Anna we can find many ways to depreciate our worth.
What is shocking is the level of abuse we put up with as if normal. Internet abuse, workplace bullying, spousal abuse are all too common and should we be asking ourselves how bad does it have to get before we say, no more that’s enough.
When abuse becomes a form of comfort, we’re in deep trouble.
I can feel the energy of abuse coming my way, even when unspoken, and will expose it when it does. The question is how willing are we to expose and eradicate subtle forms of self abuse?
We’ve become insensitive and accept many forms of abuse encountered everyday from ourselves and others as normal. This is a huge problem. Not until we stop abusing our own bodies and choose instead to deeply love ourselves can we begin to feel again and stop the very vicious cycle of self abuse we’re in.
The more we choose to become aware of and deal with our self abuse, the more evident it becomes just how much we have tolerated and hence allowed abuse to proliferate in the world. The more we embody our self respect, self worth and integrity, the bigger the responsibility we have to address all forms of abuse that prevail. Everyone, the whole of humanity, deserves respect and the first step towards resurrecting this innate right is to live it within our selves first and foremost.
It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society. This is the wake up call we all need, I can only imagine what it is like to live in constant fear, something no one on this planet should have to put up with. Everyone needs to know that any sort of abuse, violence or bullying needs to be a thing of the past, something we can look back at with utter disbelief. When we start to fully understand karma and reincarnation I wonder how quick these people will be to raise a hand when they know that that fist will be coming right back at them and the way it is going it will be sooner rather than later.
I agree abuse starts with ourself. It is my own lack in something where I allow abuse into my life. How I treat honour and appreciate myself is what I accept back from everybody else. A simple equation.
It feels as though we are all part of the cycle of abuse in a lesser or greater extent from ignoring our own bodily needs to verbal, physiological and physical abuse. We have become conditioned to accept so much less than what we truly are by a constant undermining of our self worth and self confidence. As we make new choices to claim our truth we can begin to feel we are no longer alone – that when we make the decisions that support us and humanity we can feel the power of returning to living Universally once again.
The more we start to feel how sensitive we all truly are we can then start to feel the levels of abuse that don’t even get a mention on the media front.
Well said Natalliya. In our choice to not feel our natural level of sensitivity we have also allowed much more harmful behaviour.
Abuse is abuse no matter what, especially behind the supposedly safe doors of our home. We cannot sweep this under the rug nor ignore the very real implication it represents for where we are as a society
I agree Rebecca, ‘especially behind the supposedly safe doors of our home.’ I can relate to this and have personally experienced what happens when the vulnerable in the ‘care’ of family members are at their mercy. This is compounded when many abusers are unaware they’re abusing and when challenged justify or deny their behaviour.
I agree Kehinde, we are not educating people what true abuse is – it is not just hitting someone, or shouting and verbally abusing them, even just not really listening when someone is expressing, judging another person – they may seem subtle or to small for consideration, but we do not just end up at the extremes of physical abuse without steps in between away from love.
With the celebration of 100 years of women being allowed to vote in UK yesterday, there seems still some way to go to celebrate and eradicate abuse in the home. Of course there is abuse to men as well as women that has become acceptable as normal, how wonderful will it be when we can celebrate 100 years of no more domestic violence in our homes.
Is there a code of silence between us, I won’t expose you if you don’t expose me? Knowing and accepting that if something is not loving, it is abuse, is pretty confronting as it allows us to feel just how much abuse we are actually allowing in our lives.
I so appreciate you starting this conversation, Anna, it feels very important for us to look at why it is that … ‘we don’t really want to know that it exists and think if we talk in hushed tones, others won’t overhear what we are saying.’ – there is a sense of shame, of knowing the abuse is there, but not wanting to deal with it, why is this. What are we protecting in our resistance to being honest and open about what is truly going on in our society.
It is so important to understand, as a first step of change, that our every littlest action contributes to how the world is.
We are either contributing love or the opposite, abuse – there is no fluffy grey area in the middle, it is one or the other.
Straightforward and brought to the point Alison, you leave no room for escape. This is something to understand and be honest about in a world where we love excuses and everything in moderation.
When we love ourselves, anything that is not love is disharmonious to us. Small forms of abuse cannot be tolerated not can abuse be given. The fact that we have such alarming rates of abuse in our society show how far we are from loving ourselves – we would never abuse another nor allow even a speck of it if we truly loved ourselves.
This is very true. Today, we look at the Middle Ages or other times in the past and wonder how people could be this barbaric. I wonder if in future people will look at our times and consider the level of domestic violence we accept as barbaric as well?
History is very powerful like this if we are prepared to be honest. By looking back and seeing that actually nothing has changed and we have seemingly learnt very little from our past choices, this surely then challenges the choices we have been making? Are we really evolving, are we really more civilised, is life really improving? And this is the big global picture of history – but the same can be applied to our own personal history, at the tiniest of details – from the big life choices that we make, to the way we close the car door. It all goes around and round and so ‘history’ is in fact also our future and can be our great teacher.
The ‘what goes on behind closed doors is none of our business’ is a strong consciousness that permits such violence to occur in our society. And that works in many ways…we think that what we do behind our doors does not effect what happens outside, and what also happens behind other people closed doors, is not our business. But that is not the truth, because the basic laws of cause and effect and that everything is energy, means that everything effects everything and there is no such thing as a ‘blind eye’, no matter how many times we try to use it.
And thus it IS our business what goes on behind closed doors and it IS our responsibility to ensure that all our movements, no matter where they happen, carry the responsibility of the fact that, as you say, everything affects everything. There is no ‘off’ switch.
In Australia one woman dies each week by a current or former partner. This is a huge number. I know this has been certainly put out into the media, but its not out there constantly. We hear about it and then it gets buried again under celebrity news. Its not kept at the forefront. But then do we really want it at the forefront? Do we really want to hear about it everyday? What would happen if we did? It’s possible that we could begin to ask different questions about this in our own lives and see that abuse has layers, that we may not initially consider as abuse. One woman being killed each week however affects everybody because its deeply disturbing to the whole community.
Go Anna! Love this article. I have abused and been abused and it was not until I started to care for myself, and call out all the different forms and levels of abuse that I was able to change anything. We have to get super honest too and then be prepared to make the changes.
We can no longer turn the other way and feel thankful that the abuse isn’t ‘affecting us’, it is, it is affecting all of us, all of the time, which is why it’s gradually being ‘normalised’ – is this our way of dealing with something we don’t want to deal with?
Yes perhaps normalising makes it easier to deal with but really its just bury it deeper and not dealing with it.
“one woman is killed in Australia every week by a current or former partner (1)” That’s a very significant figure Anna. I took a look into the UK stats on death by domestic violence and found that, on average two women are killed by their partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales. This is a staggering figure that was published by Office for National Statistics, for the year ending March 2016.
Such a statistic sounds like the tip of a large iceberg of abuse.
Also, whilst it is of course horrific that people are being killed by abuse, we need to be careful that we don’t get distracted by the sensationalism of these statistics, because behind every actual death are thousands and thousands of other cases of extreme and severe abuse.
True Christoph, it is impossible to know the true figure of unreported abuse that may not lead to loss of life but abuse that all the same affects women, men and their families deeply and extensively.
People tip-toeing around their partners in their own homes is a great example of how much abuse we are willing to live with in our day to day lives. To what extent do we dishonour the signals from our bodies to allow a scenario like that to play out?
When you look at it this way, mild level abuse is hugely common. How many of us walk freely in our own homes?
Under the banner of ‘family’ we allow so much that we would never even considering tolerating from someone we don’t know. The more each of us start to look at our own behavior and acceptance of anything that is not loving the closer we can get to eliminating this in our world.
There is so much abuse throughout society nowadays and by ignoring and normalising it, we have ended up raising our level of tolerance and acceptance to abuse. We have dropped our bar for what we consider care and decency. The first step to reversing this is to start by calling abuse for what it is and not giving up on our innate knowing. Just because there is a lot of this unnatural behaviour around does not mean we have to settle for it as a ‘normal’.
It really makes sense how self-honouring supports us to call out the abuse on many levels as it is in the light of love that non-love stands out, and also our ability to heal and move forward without a sense of guilt/blame, as a community as well as an individual, is much aided by the very same process.
As with so many things in life, its easy to see where other people allow abuse but often that we don’t want to see when we allow or act abusively. Yet the more we are willing to look at the level of abuse we allow the better.
Well delivered Anna Douglass leading by example and something we can all easily start with by being aware how much abuse we allow to ourselves and worst still stay silent about it. “So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.” Every time some one speaks up it is a change we all benefit from. This is vital that we all need to understand.
What we accept either as a recipient or a bystander we make normal.
I love what you share here, Anna, about self-honouring and not dismissing what we are feeling. Why do we override what our body tell us, when it is communicated so clearly?
I can totally understand why many cases of abuse aren’t reported, it’s very tragic indeed. I can also feel how we are all contributing to this in some way when we allow any abuse into our own lives, as we are normalising it. By saying no to any abuse, we will start to expose all the abuse wherever it lies, and this will, in turn, energetically support anyone who is the victim of abuse to know that it is not ok and not something that we, as a society will tolerate.
Domestic violence is often committed behind closed doors and most people don’t report it. Perhaps if more and more people report this form of violence then more can be done about it.
If we are allowing abuse in our own lives does that make it easier to accept and normalise abuse in our communities, governments, work environment and the wider world – I suspect it does.
We tend to think it is okay for a certain level of abuse to occur in our lives and will convince ourselves it’s nothing really, but a truly loved body wouldn’t agree.
All abuse is abhorrent and without doubt against the true nature of you and me. But it seems we have our way of looking at it, conveniently skewed: we see perpetrators as evil masterminds, when as you show Anna it’s those who stay silent who truly fuel its flames.
Yes our focus on terrorism is interesting, is it because it gets a lot of press and sensational press at that. I remember being in the UK at the times of the IRA terrorism and the reporting was very controlled and very different to todays media treatment. And when was the last time you saw domestic violence, including death ever make the news? We want to be titillated and excited and entertained by our news not actually deal with anything real and substantial.
‘“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein)’ We should be talking about the issue of domestic violence loud and clear with the same strength as terrorism. When taken a step back the statistics are shocking, but what is more shocking is our quiet acceptance of it… and here Albert Einstein’s quote makes a lot of sense.
The laws can’t be supported and the media don’t announce on that which we in the masses choose to ignore. There’s no call to address it to end once and for all as that requires everyone to take their responsible part. Addressing the abuse in my life reflects that abuse should not be condoned without saying anything.
Thank you Anna. Your blog has me reflecting on what abuse I allow in my life and why. I can see that I’ve used abuse to stay small and often I’ve told myself that ‘it’s only hurting me’ but your words remind me that there is much more at stake. Even if it was ‘just me’ I know that I am precious and allowing self abuse is deeply harmful.
What has the world come to when so many women have to tip-toe around the men in their lives? ‘women who are living on eggshells, tip-toeing around their partner like prisoners in their own homes’ What has happened to our natural expression that has been so suppressed that women feel completely powerless? Time for change and it starts with each one of us working on loving and respecting ourselves more.
I agree with you Anna as from my own experience I can say that there are so many subtle and not so subtle levels of self abuse. I feel that if I am self abusive I know I allow others to be abusive to me and so abuse becomes normalized amongst us it is a bit like the snowball effect it starts off small and ends up ginormous.
It is unbelievable the amount of abuse that occurs in the world that doesn’t need to happen if we were all a bit more pro-active in exposing it or being afraid to get involved. It is a tough one though because I got involved on one occasion and actually got into a physical fight with the male abuser only to find the female involved went back to the guy during the night. So the answer does lie in us all learning that we are precious, tender loving sons of God and that we are so worth love and that no one deserves abuse of any kind.
‘In fact, it is now called ‘domestic violence,’ when in reality is it simply an extreme form of abuse.’ we have a history of becomig accustomed to and then accepting of such terms as ‘domestic violence’ and this is in part why we have so many patterns of repeating and not dealing with such harmful behaviour. We allow things to slip into this area of ignorance in our way of existing that means we can continue to seek to be in comfort and as long as it does not directly affect us we turn a blind eye.
Anna, this is really true; ‘In the media and throughout the community it is not given enough airtime or is toned down considerably’, I can’t remember ever reading about ‘domestic violence’ and never really hear it talked about and yet the statistics show that it happens and so it seems like a taboo subject, something that is not openly and honestly discussed, which then allows it to continue, its time to talk about this subject.
We have grown to accept abuse is normal and everywhere we look we are fed images that support this normalisation, from everyday TV, films, magazines and the most shockingly on the internet. The depth of change required is enormous and can only begin, as all these things do, with changing the quality of our self-respect that firmly establishes a constant and deeply respectful platform of normality in the world.
What have we allowed to happen when we are outraged when someone abuses animals but turn a blind eye to partner abuse?
Yes it sounds very easy and comfortable to only rely on the politicians of our countries to do something about the abuse that is around because with this attitude we do not take any responsibility for ourselves. And to me that is the real problem, but too, key to the extermination of abuse in our societies and personal lives.
We have allowed life to get so unbelievably far from it’s original origin, that we are no longer able to see that most of what we currently think of as being ‘life’ is, in fact abuse, because pretty much none of it is impulsed by God.
When something becomes normal then it is no longer seen.
Your blog exposes the fact of how silent the epidemic of domestic violence is and how a steady development of self care, beginning in the small detail of the way a woman looks after and regards herself is one of the steps that raise the bar on her definition of what is ‘abuse’. Once this definition shifts, then what is accepted as ‘normal’ can only shift too.
“It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society” This is so true. Being a so called ‘innocent’ bystander to abuse is actually what allows violence, hate, discrimination and disrespect to germinate and grow.
This is a super-powerful piece Anna, and most especially because it asks everyone to speak up about what we can see and sense is happening in all our lives, and to be hugely honest and real about it too.
It is very powerful. It asks us to be responsible with what we know is going on and puts it at the forefront where we can’t say we didn’t know.
So True Anna, “men also experience abuse at alarming rates as well” and in the UK more men than women are killed in domestic situations and also are more likely to be violently abused with an injury than women. Politically these issues do not get the attention that is needed and as you say people “are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.”
‘…one woman is killed in Australia every week by a current or former partner..’ what more will it take for us to stop and pay attention?
Abuse can be in our lives in so many ways, big or small. Even if the abuse is not physical it can still be present in an emotional or manipulative way. It’s so important to recognise it as abuse instead of seeing it as normal. This can be hard if we have known nothing different and it feels familiar. The key is to begin to notice ways that we abuse ourselves, and in changing that behaviour we can see very clearly any area of abuse in our lives.
We need more conversations like this where we start calling out that even the smallest harm we do to ourselves (such as critical self talk) is abuse. Because if it is not a loving action, it is then abuse. Otherwise the sliding scale of what is abuse just gets bigger and bigger and we feel far less powerful to do anything about it.
Silence is a poison in our bodies and filters out into society in all our acts and behaviours.
Expression is vital in our lives… it opens the way for more understanding, and more loving ways as a result of speaking our truth.
There is so much abuse that is normalised because we have lost what it means to truly self-care, self-nurture and be self-loving… however these are all qualities we innately know when we re-connect to our bodies and feel the truth and wisdom they offer from within.
Anna, I love this; ‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way. ‘ I have noticed recently that I have been saying no to abuse – to be spoken to in an aggressive or disrespectful way, I am claiming myself more as the beautiful, sacred woman that I am and any form of abuse has no place any more.
Coming out of the victim consciousness can be huge for women… and men, as many of us have been there for so long. Understanding the word ‘abuse’ for what it truly means in all its detail, and knowing that when we don’t speak up we are aiding that abuse, is a great step forward.
‘Is it little wonder I wasn’t more proactive when abuse entered my own relationship?’ – Thank you for your honesty and willingness to call out the truth of what is going on – the main reason we allow abuse in our lives is because we live in constant disregard and dishonouring of ourselves.
Yes Eva, I can understand the relationship. You can say that what is happening in our relationships and in society at large is simply a reflection of how we all individually are on some level in dishonor and disregard with our self in the first place.
‘I now know that when we stay silent or ‘keep the peace’ to avoid rocking the boat, we can end up staying in an arrangement that gives abuse a louder voice.’ How many of us can relate to this? I know I certainly can. When I was in my 20s and renting a flat in London I heard some neighbours having an argument in the building next door and I could hear the man slap the woman – it sounded like he did it very hard. At the time I simply didn’t know what to do and so, in the end, did nothing and this is what the vast majority of us do, but what if we were to call out the myriad of abuses we see or feel ourselves every day, By saying ‘no’ we gradually teach everyone that they are not acceptable.
There was a time when we would be shocked to hear about a woman being the abuser, but unfortunately, this is no longer the case. More men are coming forward to speak about the abuse and violence they suffer within the home from their spouses or partners – my guess is that far more could come forward.
I agree, Julie. Because of the false ideals and beliefs that exist around men needing to be ‘strong’ and ‘tough’, any male abuse victims have this added complexity of the stigma they may receive if they come forward as victims of domestic abuse
‘Our teens also need support with the abuse and bullying they are experiencing everyday via social media or at school.’ Hear hear to this Anna Douglas. Cyber-abuse is no less harmful than being punched or kicked. When a young person commits suicide having been bullied over social media – or in any way for that matter – we have to ask ourselves what is going on in our world. Where has this ‘culture’ arisen from? Our children are surely not abusive by nature…are they?
When you talk about how much work we put into protecting ourselves from terrorism in comparison to that which we do to eradicate abuse, to me, this smacks of irresponsibility. We will happily point the finger at someone else and can get very motivated when it is someone else’s ‘fault’, but when its comes to cleaning up our own back-yard……There is a statistic (that I can’t be sure is true) that 15 Americans are killed each year by terrorists as opposed to 11,500 that are killed by their fellow Americans. Now clearly there are many factors behind this and it needs deeper investigation to be taken seriously, but my point is still the same; we gladly point the finger at others, rather than looking much closer to home.
Spot on Otto, the Internet needs to be addressed, as the levels of abuse are appalling and it is a simple political whim that is holding it from changing.
Very well said, Otto. Everything starts with ourselves first and with us taking responsibility for how we are choosing to live rather than passing the buck by judging and blaming others for something that we are actively contributing to.
It is also about leading by example. It is inspiring to see someone have the love, grace, humility and honesty to take responsibility for their own actions. When I see this, it inspires me to look deeper into the mirror.
A wake-up call if ever I heard one ottobathurst, we need look no further than our noses to address the abuse that is all around us.
It will always be hard to police and govern what goes on inside peoples’ homes. This is why it is so crucial that we have markers and examples in other areas of our society so that it can begin to be known and felt, what is acceptable and what isn’t. The most striking example of this is the internet. The level of abuse that is going on in this arena is horrendous, utterly unacceptable and deeply damaging. Now, this IS an area that can be policed, governed and offenders can be prosecuted. This is why it is so essential that governments, lawyers and police turn their attention to this Wild West and then, if the boundaries are firmly set in this area, people will begin to see that what is going on in their own homes is also not acceptable.
“In fact, it is now called ‘domestic violence,’ when in reality is it simply an extreme form of abuse.” It’s a telling shift that narrows abuse down to the physical and violent acts, in this the wider and more damaging ‘subtle’ abuse has been comfortably swept in to the backyard.
It is shocking when we delve into it deeper and what is commonly accepted as ok and normal. The way we treat others especially behind closed doors can be far from loving yet seen as ok because it is not physical – how much further away from love and truth do we need to go before we stop and begin to return to choosing love and seeing any less for what it is – abuse?
The care we take in simple ways and seemingly smaller moments with ourself all matter and do make a difference to how we feel and are then in all our relationships.
And isn’t that so beautiful that these self care moments can become our normal in which we take out to the world and so the tide of abuse can start to change.
In various neighbourhoods where I have lived there have been signs of abuse: a neighbour with a fat, bruised lip, another area there was shouting in the street at 2am and where I live now there is often shouting and swearing in the street, much of it alcohol fuelled. Ours is a street where many families live and so the children are growing up with shouting and swearing as ‘normal’ communication in their families. Sometimes the police are called, sometimes it’s ignored. We avoid getting involved because we don’t want to get hurt ourselves, or we think it’s none of our business. As you say, Anna, we can start by clocking the way we abuse ourselves and be role models for self respect and decency that then spreads to all our relationships.
“And yes, it would be ideal to have governments, politicians and the appropriate authorities ensure that those who offend with this type of abuse, either in the community or online, are made more accountable for their damaging actions. But this must not take away from the fact of the responsibility we all hold, how powerful we are as individuals and as a collective, to stand up and say no to abuse in all its forms.”
Just pondering on the above paragraph and how it is key to the beginning of the end of abuse. To leave it all up to governments, authorities, others to legislate, prosecute, speak out against abuse, is in itself and act of abuse. An abuse of our power – the power we all have to end abuse if we just take responsibility for it ourselves and no longer continue to accept it or wait for others to call it out.
It seems like the ones we purport to love the most are the ones we abuse or suffer abuse from the most. Is this because the love we are used to is of an emotional nature and we don’t allow ourselves to connect with a deeper love in ourselves that has no emotion attached and from that place begin to love ourselves and all others ?
For most of my life I had constantly abused my body even in the way I moved, and did not give it a second thought. It was only upon coming across Universal Medicine that I first considered how I absolutely deserved to be cherished and loved, firstly by myself.
To change our thinking about abuse is critical if we are to ever get a handle on it. To know that abuse begins in the subtlest of forms from a self-depreciating thought to persistent inner-self bashing builds an allowance of acceptance of abuse from others. We continue self-abuse through choices to numb or bury what we don’t want to feel (like excessive sugary food and alcohol) and accept this as normal behaviour.
The normalisation of abuse is so profound that we are open to talk with people we work with how; x person is better than y because they don’t do z to me. In other words we no longer hide the extent of abuse to the level we did, we justify why we put up with that abuse. In many ways there are more extreme cases of abuse that happened to us or still happen with us and so we are ok. But how is ok living?
“So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.” Self doubt, when we allow it, is the quickest and easiest way in which to sabotage ourselves from what we innately know to be true.
I have found myself self-doubting only after I have dismissed what I know to be true and have then got caught up in my reaction to that, so there is a moment where we are offered a choice to go one way or another and I have found that how self regarding I am before that moment or not and how I have been moving my body until that point then influences the choice I make.
Domestic abuse has at its root issues of power and control and as someone who has been very controlling in the past I am finally recognising how I have contributed to the climate in which this abuse can be perpetrated without being called out for so long. Rather than beating myself up about this what I am feeling today is that we all have the power to make changes that will contribute to a more loving and stable society for everyone’s benefit and we can start from now.
If it doesn’t effect us directly then most of us won’t get involved. The problem with that way of thinking is that it is based on the completely false belief that we are not affected by things that we are not directly involved in. Wrong. We are each part of a continuous and undivided body of energy; when something happens in one part of this all encompassing and all inclusive body of energy, it is felt by the whole. Therefore when one man or one woman gets slapped across the face, we all feel the reverberation through our bodies and deep down we all know this but if we admitted that we know, then we would have no choice but to take action and so we avoid having to take responsibility by continuing to pretend that “it’s got nothing to do with us”.
Anna I can really relate to what you have shared about being much more able to recognise and stand up to abuse as a direct result of honouring myself more. In fact what I am finding is that the more deeply I honour myself the less prepared I am to tolerate even the slightest amount of abuse, I don’t even question it, abuse simply gets a flat ‘no’ from me now. The other thing that I am finding is that what constitutes abuse keeps changing, abuse has become much more subtle and less obvious but none the less, to me, in my body, it still feels like abuse.
Yes I agree Alexis. There is no question that something I once considered OK I now consider abusive and the only thing that has changed is the care I take of myself now and how much more I therefore value myself as worthy of love and nothing less. I am learning that I have to keep building that foundation so I can ensure I call out abuse on every level, the energetic, the physical, the emotional and abuse that is by me as well as to me.
Abuse has definitely become normal, and I think you are correct in saying a large proportion of this is down to the abusive relationships with ourselves, not necessarily through physical abuse but all those little thoughts and the way we don’t deeply care for ourselves – that’s still abuse and because we are in effect contributing to the abuse in the world we cannot see clearly or stand for an abuse-free-world.
Abuse is abuse, irrespective of where it occurs.
I feel very identified with what you share here Anna. In my own experience I can feel a great difference in the quality of my relationships due to the changes I’ve made in the relationship I have with myself. The more respect I offer to myself, the more respect I receive from others. Love or violence is not something that randomly happens, it’s something that is built day by day and has its roots in the way we treat ourselves first. So it’s clear that the true solution to abuse can’t be found blaming others for the abuse received, but by taking responsibility for the way we live.
I feel very identified with what you share here Anna. In my own experience I can feel a great difference in the quality of my relationships due to the changes I’ve made in the relationship I have with myself now. The more respect I offer to myself, the more respect I receive from others. Love or violence is not something that randomly happens, it’s something that is built day by day and has its roots in the way we treat ourselves first. So it’s clear that the true solution to abuse can’t be found blaming others for the abuse received, but by taking responsibility for the way we live.
‘What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse? ‘ I agree. Domestic abuse is made possible when we dishonour or dismiss ourselves. In the company of a couple recently, I observed the woman in relationship with her fiance and noted how ill at ease she was, She struggled to find her authentic voice, was protective in her demeanor, was not listened to when she spoke and yet completely unaware of the dynamic taking place. She clearly did not honour herself and because of this, the person she was with took advantage of her. When we deeply honour and love ourselves, we will not tolerate abuse of any kind and can spot it even at its most subtle.
I agree – once we start accepting abuse at any level we are ourselves being abusive both to ourselves and others. Abuse is abuse.
Noting the observation about the woman who was not clocking the level of abuse she was receiving because of her lack of self-worth reminds me of the lack of worth I used to carry with me. This trait is of endemic proportions and as a parent, I am very conscious of supporting myself and developing my own relationship with me so that I have that foundation to see what is not loving and can call it out straight away, not just for myself but as a responsibility to my children who deserve to be confirmed in the awesomeness they are, to be confirmed that their radar for truth is sound and confirmed in the innate knowing that any abuse, no matter how subtle, is the abuse that it is and have the right and responsibility themselves to say no to it.
“From there, my commitment to not turning a blind eye to the abuse around me grew. I began to see all the areas of abuse, both large and small, that I had conveniently turned away from before” – yes it’s interesting how that does occur i.e. that when you note and see something.. you see more of the same to realise the extent of just how much you were refraining from seeing it in the first place and then needing to see exactly whatever it is. Abuse is like this, as too is love.
No matter how subtle the abuse is it is always worthy of calling it out and it is clocking the abuse we allow in the relationship we have with ourselves that makes the difference and changes our lives.
We are always better off for speaking truth.
I agree Caroline, to nominate abuse when we see it and speak up about it is what our world needs. I feel the only reason we have such horrific forms of abuse in the world is because we have collectively allowed it to occur, which also means we can all collectively put a stop to it.
‘If we look abuse in the eyes instead of retreating as I once did, it becomes a powerful tool for change. It doesn’t need our aggression or retaliation, simply a willingness to stand up and speak out against even the smallest of abuses with each other and with ourselves.’ It does and it empowers us as we know that we are no longer shying away from the truth.
There are rare cases of men being the victims of domestic violence. But, why do men feel it is normal or all right to abuse women and treat them like property? How insidious is it when the man knows not to leave marks that are visible in public! We have almost collectively made smoking cigarettes a universally bad thing for everyone’s health, it is long past time to stand up, to end domestic violence!
I was in an abusive relationship back in my early 20s, and it was the mental abuse that did the most damage. Leaves no bruises for others to see but the effects were far more devastating.
It’s a stark question and the first step to answering it is to be giving as much oxygen as possible to these kinds off conversations. We have to get it our from the shadows.
I wonder what the global statistics would be, I imagine they would be horrific when you take in the countries where women have far less human rights. The energy of this abuse surely needs cutting and by writing this article it is a step on the way.
It is quite appalling the way we tolerate domestic abuse and domestic violence. It’s as if the word ‘domestic’ lessens its importance. We put more attention into addressing public forms of violence so that our external behaviour looks good to the world, but fail to take this level of attention into the homes where it is so desperately needed. If we renamed it ‘Personal Violence’ then it places an emphasis on how we can address it from the core out. If I seek to eradicate personal violence then ultimately it must begin with my internal dialogue and intimate relationships, that when addressed begin to shift the ground that personal violence has for too long rested on.
Yes as a society the greater war is within our own homes which causes far more damage than all of the wars of the world combined. The extremes we need to address yes, though the ongoing abuse and neglect within so-called ‘normal’ households must equally be addressed for we all deserve to live free of abuse.
Yes, you brought it to a point here Thomas, the war within our own homes, and I would even go further and say within ourselves, is what escalates and becomes so visually tangible in the extremes of disharmony we have in the world. And this is great to see and admit because it gives us the reins back into our own two hands. We are not as powerless as we think when it comes to the world’s affairs, in fact we actually have all the power in the world, by our everyday choices, simply by how we live.
I can understand what you say Anna, and thank you for bringing up this subject, that all the abuse we see in our homes and in society are just there because we all individually do allow a level of abuse in our lives to begin with. We then can say that the abuse in the wold is the outer reflection of that what collectively live in us, a level of abuse to ourselves that allows as a result unpunished greater abuse to fester in our families and societies.
Accepting even the smallest bit of abuse in our lives, such as a condescending or sarcastic tone of voice by a boss, not dressing warm enough in the cold, or allowing self-deprecating thoughts after making a mis-take, etc. actually builds a negative foundation for even greater levels of acceptance of abuse in our lives. Before you know it, the new ‘norms’ in the world are wars, famine via greed and misappropriation of resources, rape, etc. and then we wonder how we got here.
Anna, thank you for this powerful dose of love, wisdom and truth that shines a light on a subject that affects us all and how we contribute to it in so many ways. This line really stood out as being so important to understand, “Is it little wonder I wasn’t more proactive when abuse entered my own relationship?”, if we think it is okay to abuse ourselves, doubt, beat our body up by pushing to get everything done, put ourselves down etc. then that is our gauge when it comes to another abusing us. I love how you have brought it back to self responsibility when it comes to abuse, because that is something we can change and offers a reflection for others.
Wow Anna, thank you for this powerful blog. Your example of domestic violence and terrorist attacks made me realise how much we as a society have normalised domestic violence. I grew up witnessing domestic violence and often nothing was done about it. Now I understand how harmful it is to not speak up or do anything about violence and abuse of any form. The quote you used from Albert Einstein really highlights this for me.
Buying into arrangements we give abuse a more powerful voice – there’s an ouch as I feel the convenient lies I allow which are in fact abuse, and the more i’m willing to see the more there is to see.
This is very true ‘So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’ Which means this is what we need to bring into our everyday lives and teach throughout the world, then we will have so much love for ourselves that no abuse will be accepted or tolerated. We have some work to do here!
Thank you Anna. A powerful article that asks me to stop and consider what am I allowing, with myself first. Abuse is insidious and we allow it with ourselves first. I felt this line particularly….”I now know that when we stay silent or ‘keep the peace’ to avoid rocking the boat, we can end up staying in an arrangement that gives abuse a louder voice.”
Thank you for sharing your personal experience of starting to honour yourself and how the more that you said No to any abusive thoughts or actions from yourself the more you had the strength to call it out in others. It is so true that we need to look at all the small incidences that we allow or choose to turn a blind eye to that eventually lead to the escalation into crimes such as domestic violence.
Wow Anna – 1 woman a week is killed – a very real statistic that makes you stand up and say what is going on for society to get to this point. And as you say – the worst is the abuse that is not spoken about. But a lot rings true in breaking the pattern and cycle of abuse and how we can start to look at our role in this – self-deprecating thoughts is a big one. It really highlights how this self-abuse feeds any other abuse around us.
To address abuse of any kind we have to be totally honest with ourselves and with others… are we willing and prepared to go there?
That is a good question to ask ourselves Paula but will also reveal the level of abuse in ourselves. So indeed, are we ready to go there?
So important to say something at the earliest sign of this, not just when it turns violent. The moment the way we interact in a relationship is anything other than loving, it is abusive.
Yes, I agree Michael. Abuse of any form left to grow and fester will lead to more severe forms of abuse where lives could be lost.
Here in Australia we have a habit of shortening or abbreviating words, and domestic violence is no exception. It is often referred to as ‘DV’… which in truth minimises the significance and impact of the abuse even further.
Abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes… great call Anna, to nominate even our self-depreciating thoughts amount to abuse too.
Why is it that it feels comfortable to turn a blind eye, to pretend it’s not happening to us or those around us? What is it that we’re not willing to see, or so afraid to stand up to? It often feels like we tell ourselves the excuse to not to get involved because ‘it’s none of our business’, because it feels easier than taking what we perceive to be a stand – but is that because we hold pictures of what we think taking a stand has to be like, and use that as an excuse to not take action? As you’ve said Anna, taking a stand and standing up for what’s true isn’t about being aggressive, but just holding and living what we know is true, and not being afraid to voice that, when it’s needed, with ourselves and others.
Powerful call to action Anna, thank you. The other quote that springs to mind is Ghandi’s, about being the change you want to see in the world. If you want a world with less abuse, then it is wise to look at where abuse is occurring in your own life – to you and to others – and to silence the silence and to call it out.
There’s a lot of shame associated with abuse. No one wants to admit that they are abusive, or be seen by others as being abusive, yet, to turn a blind eye on our own self abuse, however small, and all the abuse that is happening around us, is tantamount to an acceptance of the abuse. Could it be that in our resistance to embracing and deeply appreciating the love that we all innately are, we are inviting the tide of abuse to grow?
‘What if looking at abuse at the smallest level and calling it out allows us to deal with the more harming forms of abuse?’ – where we are allowing any level of abuse in our lives, we are in turn contributing to the acceptance and normalising of abuse in all of our lives, as a society – a very confronting, yet important truth.
” In fact, it is now called ‘domestic violence,’ when in reality is it simply an extreme form of abuse.”
For me it should be called family violence and abuse, people I feel would be more open to facing and talking about the issue.
Yes John, we use language to mask truth. Family violence and abuse more accurately reflects what is going on within millions of homes around the world..
It is great for each of us to be willing to look at how we contribute to abuse and thus to domestic violence. This is towards ourselves, but it can also be saying something to another with an undertone or not loving intention. Anything that doesn’t help us or others on the stairway to Heaven, anything that doesn’t have the minimum of decency and respect is abuse.
We as a community, a society, a global community live with abuse every single day in all forms, its within our family homes, in our workplaces, in nations such as wars, abuse is some form of harm towards another. But what you deliver here Anna, which makes the blog very powerful, is for us to consider our relationship with ourselves. If we have an abusive, disrespectful and unloving relationship with ourselves – then how we treat ourselves affects how we treat others and how we allow others to treat us. Abuse hurts – so more than a band-aid or solution focused answers is needed to change this cycle, an entrenched cycle and Anna offers something greater than a band-aid, which is the beginning of building a respectful and loving relationship with ourselves, then we can only naturally be this way with others, and abuse will not be accepted in any form in our lives or how we treat another.. This in itself is the foundation of building a home, a global home without abuse. It begins with each of us and our responsibility to ourselves, in our every day lives – not allowing abuse to be accepted in any form.
Abuse doesn’t just happen randomly. It is a tightly orchestrated series of events in which the one ‘receiving’ it has allowed an opening for this force to enter. As you have mentioned Anna, it is only by accepting abuse that we allow it to flourish and this includes the many ‘small’ abuses we inflict upon ourselves when we do not live true to the love that we are. Until we each remember and know in absoluteness what love is and reinstate it as our true way to be, we will continue to suffer the many forms of abuse that come from our withdrawal from this love.
The home is not as “safe” as we like to picture it to be… whether the abuse is visible or not, it still makes it a warzone.
But there is something else you are calling out here Anna that takes our relationship with abuse even deeper. Are we willing to look abuse straight in the eye in every area of life that it arises, and expose it for the evil that it is? What I have come to realise of late is that it is easy to settle for a comfortable point as it were, where salient abuse is not something I would tolerate, but have I called out with the same dedication and commitment the abuse I see perpetrated every day?
Your blog has helped me ponder on this deeper – because when recognise that abuse has NO place in our lives, and that the honouring of ourselves is paramount, and our life dramatically and amazingly changes as a result, we have another level of responsibility – and that is to expose abuse in all its facets, everywhere.
The one woman dead from domestic violence a week statistic is in itself already staggering, but what we need to realise is that this is only the very top of the iceberg. If it is one woman a week who is dead, how many women a week end up in hospital, how many are beaten black and blue or et broken bones, how many have bruises on a regular bases and ….how many live in fear and contraction every moment of their lives in fear of this abuse?
Thank you Anna, for starting this important discussion by simply sharing your own reflections on abuse and violence. It shows that if we take responsibility for the way we live and what we bring to our relationship with ourselves and others, it is a game changer on so many levels.
It seems we are getting increasingly desensitised to the problems around them thinking we can not solve them anyway or they do not pertain to us. In this way our worlds are getting increasingly smaller until we only want to care about ourselves and our own backyards. To turn this movement around it is imperative that we start to see how we are part of the problem so we are empowered to make changes in our own lives that will eventually lead to the big changes in society we all want to see.
Yes we are in a global crisis with domestic violence, the impact on children is rarely discussed but as my SENCO at one school pointed out every child who was needing therapeutic intervention was known to have been around domestic violence.
True Anna, it starts with building a foundation within ourselves where we honour what we feel and let any small form of abuse that is in our lives go. I feel how the pattern of ‘keep the peace’ is still playing out when things get rough, and you are absolutely right to say that this keeps an arrangement going on with a louder voice of abuse.
The statistic of domestic violence is alarming. The facts that this is not heard regularly in any media outlets confirms the ‘hush’ or ‘look the other way’ attitude towards this very real social issue.
I am not a policeman, criminologist, lawyer or expert in this field in any way whatsoever but I have a strong feeling that this is probably the most under-reported crime in the world. Thus the horrific statistics (from all countries, not just Australia) are merely the tip of the iceberg.
I would agree with that as well, there are many many families that would never talk to anyone outside the family about abuse in the home. Children fear what may happen if they share with teachers or friends and grow up believing they have no way of getting support. Blogs like this blow open the stigma and the silence of speaking up about abuse.
And then add to those numbers the gargantuan amount of abuse that is going on, but which those involved wouldn’t actually consider abuse. We are tolerating a level of relationships that is way, way below true equality and brotherhood.
Anna – this article is busting at the seams with truths. One that really struck me is the use of the word ‘domestic’ in the term ‘domestic violence’. ‘Domestic’ is a word that we use for cute animals, or types of products that are less strong their ‘industrial’ versions, or to describe how we might use stuff like our cars – implying that this means it doesn’t get such heavy use…in all of these iterations, it implies a gentler and softer version of whatever it is being used to describe. And so, to attach it to the description of this violence is a gross undermining of the absolute abuse and extreme damage that abuse within our homes is causing across the world.
Thank you Anna for recognising that Domestic Abuse is not just something that affects women and children. Many men suffer such abuse too and are often reluctant to speak up about it. And Domestic abuse is not just physical either, with a great deal of psychological abuse taking place too.
Based on the assumption that our true nature is love – which for me is an absolute truth and not an assumption at all – how is it that we live in a world that creates and accepts so much abuse? This does not make sense and does not add up – unless of course we are not living the truth of our loving nature.
Even the term ‘domestic violence’ makes it sound more benign and normalised when it reality it is just violence.
It is always well worth remembering that anything and that means literally any thing that is not of love is in truth abuse to our essence and being. Whilst we continue to hold ourselves less than glorious and amazing within, we will continue to accept abuse in some form. Even self judgement is abuse.
It’s so important to call out abuse, even when it presents in the tiniest way. If we Don’t do this we are in effect saying yes to it and normalizing it. This does nothing for the world in terms of exposing it on a larger scale.
“Why is it that when we hear the words domestic violence, people often look the other way or feel very uncomfortable? It’s as if we don’t really want to know that it exists and think if we talk in hushed tones, others won’t overhear what we are saying.”
what a great way to start the conversation in this expose on how we have all been allowing abuse to become normal part of our society and households globally. Learning to speak up and call it out is the only way we can learn to heal this big hurt and perpetuation of abuse of self and others.
Thanks for sharing Anna and I loved how you used this great quote at the end
-“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein)
As it is all of our responsibility
What is deeply sad is how this article clearly states that such abuse is now deemed as normal, so much so that it has been named “Domestic Violence”. Even this naming of such hideous abuse makes it seemingly ok to hide, because it is a domestic issue..
A very pertinent article. How often do we feel the hurt of a loved one speaking to us harshly? And then us retaliating in the same energy? Even if there is no physical abuse at all the way the words are spoken are deeply harming.
A powerful writing Anna, calling for all to live with a deeper level of responsibility and accountability in our daily lives. The statistics that you offer on women being killed from domestic abuse in Australia alone are shocking.
“The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack”.
Some women live with an abusive partner but do not feel they can leave because of reasons such as they earn very little money or have no where to go. Some women live in homes where they are around extreme physical and psychological abuse from family members due to alcohol yet feel they cannot afford to live outside of the family home. I feel there is a resignation to this way of thinking that this is just how their lives are, whereas I am horrified that they are living in such abusive situations. I agree Anna it begins with each one of us not allowing abuse in our own lives then maybe others may get that they too do not deserve to live with abuse.
You are absolutely right Anna in calling out that abuse starts with ourselves first – the dishonouring we allow with ourselves before anyone else is in the picture. When we sift this behaviour within, we no longer attract that abuse. Our stance, everything about us is communicating a clear no to abusive behaviour.
Yes it very wise to first address all the ways we are abusive with ourselves because only an abused or disregarded body can be so hurt that it can abuse or hurt another.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein) Such a great quote here Anna, one that we all would do well to hear to give us something truly worth looking into.
We may fear and dread abuse from others, but you have exposed something very important Anna, how we accept abuse from ourselves on a daily basis and don’t even notice it. It passes us by because it has become our normal.
It is very strange that the word domestic refers to the home, relations or cleaning and yet it is also used as a term for violence and fights such as when police are called to attend to a “domestic”. The home (not all) is one of the most physically and psychologically abusive places to live or visit. I wonder at what point we will wake up and notice just how much trouble we are in as a species and just how much abuse is now considered to be “normal”.
‘It is our silence that allows domestic violence to proliferate in society.’ This is a key quote from a powerful article about abuse and how we collude in it carrying on.
The enormous ever increasing amounts of domestic violence and our acceptance of this rather than taking the responsibility to see it in our own lives with ourselves firstly with others is huge and this is a powerful sharing of the changes we can make for ourselves as the start to healing this wayward behaviour that is out of control in society and not from the love we all innately are.
Yes so true. The changes we make reflect something quite huge to others and let others know what is actually possible to live. No words needed, just a quality of how we are with ourselves and each other says it all.
“Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack” – This is a crazy statistic that goes to show how wayward our beliefs are about terrorism and violence. As a collective we can be hostile towards cultures because of their ‘history’ or so called ‘affiliation’ with terrorist attacks, but this is nothing compared to what happens in our own homes… This isn’t to say we should judge each other AT ALL, but how can we point fingers when we are tolerating so much abuse within our own environments which we can pay attention to instead and change?
One women dying every week in one country due to domestic violence is a shocking statistic, we could then ask if this is the case how many women are living with even a subtle form of verbal abuse and accepting this without seeing the abuse as abuse. We have come to tolerate ill behaviours as normal and accept abuse in our homes, places of work and schools without calling it out for what it is.
When we brush things under the carpet or play down the actions of those who use domestic violence, we are condoning the actions and adding to the energy used. Taking a look at how we abuse ourselves and others is the first step to healing our abusive relationships.
The big thing to consider is just how much we have as a society swept under the carpet. And how many little pieces which accumulate to big a big pile when we ignore them.
Everyone wins when we make what you have experienced Anna a way of relating to ourselves first, addressing the core, where we allow abuse or not: “The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself. It was the simple things like eating more nurturing foods, having a walk, not allowing any self-deprecating thoughts, going to bed early, and surrounding myself with supportive and loving friends that made a significant difference to how I felt every day.” Being guided from the inside out, with the ripple effect for everyone that follows.
Thank you Anna, it’s very powerful what you share here, the simplicity of the ways in which you are more honouring of yourself and from there more aware of ways in which you were being abusive towards yourself and engaging with it from others. Change really does start from inside of us and the quality of relationships that we then build.
The only change that can be true is what we initiate for ourselves for no other reason than to want to love ourselves more l, to deepen our connection any other intention and it is never long lasting.
Anna, this is a powerful blog with a powerful message! There is much that stood out to comment on, but my first is… ‘The fact is, Australians are more at risk from domestic violence than they ever would be from a terrorist attack.’ The same could be said of the UK and any country. I had not seen it in that light before and yes whilst we need to protect ourselves from terrorist attack, the violence in our homes is far more prevalent. I have just looked up the stats and found the following for the UK. ‘The police recorded 1.1 million domestic abuse-related incidents and crimes in the year ending March 2017’ (Office for National Statistics). There were 4 terrorist attacks in 2017 in the UK. It’s clear domestic violence and abuse is a problem we simply ignore… WHY?
A sobering addition of the UK stats… thank you, Rachel, for bringing more facts to the fore.
I love these writings where it is not about blame or pointing the finger but about lifting everybody up and letting them see how very powerful they are. In other words calling everyone into responsibility.
I agree. The way this article is written is so inspiring and to your point Esther – pointing a finger is merely another form of abuse.
This is a much needed topic of discussion Anna, I am amazed at the level of abuse I subject myself to in the most subtle and not so subtle ways. It makes sense to me that if I am prepared to abuse myself then I would have no difficulty in abusing another because I have normalized abuse. And I agree with you that if we were to bring more attention to how we are in relationship to our selves is it possible we would be less abusive towards others?
Well said Mary. I can relate to subtle levels of abuse that I can still subject myself too as well – e.g. the smallest detail actioned without being present and connected to my essence is now being felt as abusive on my body, through the quality of my movements.
We need to redefine abuse as any thought, word or action that does not honour the depth of love that we are. Only then will we be able to see abuse in all its guises and thus what we have allowed to infiltrate our lives and poison the very temple in which we live, our physical body.
Well said Liane – bringing a deeper understanding to the umpteen guises of abuse and its poisonous outplay that keep us separated from the truth of Love.
Anna a brilliant article and one I would say we have normalized domestic violence, not only in Australia but also in the UK. It is so common and yet if we called it abuse perhaps we would really see what its about, we would pick up the subtle abusive movements in our relationships and not allow them. We normalize it but also make it distance from our own relationships. I know many people who are subjected to domestic violence every day but choose not to want to see it for what it is. I know I have been very abusive in the past and even today allowing subtle forms of abuse into my relationship is something I constantly work on. But as a society that’s not to the normal.
Love this, Anna. If we want to put an end to abuse in the world, the first step as you say is to open our eyes to how it plays out in our own lives, in how we move, speak and even think.
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein) This really struck a chord in me today. Anything that we feel we have to put up with can’t be ok and is calling out to be addressed. We have a responsibility not just to ourselves but to everyone to nominate communicate and seek the correct channels so that the unruly behaviour can be dealt with.
‘To bring any true change, we could begin by speaking more freely about the subtle forms of abuse in our relationships with others and explore the abuse we are encountering in our own lives, no matter how small or large this may be.’ How important to begin with the subtle ways we abuse ourselves even before we tackle how we abuse another. I know that when I have a negative self-thought that this is abuse. When I don’t take care of myself in the way that I should, then this is abuse – like going to bed when I am tired or indulging in overeating or eating something I know my body doesn’t need. Whilst on the grand scale of things these may feel quite minor in comparison to some of the violence that has become normalised, when we close the gaps on the so-called smaller stuff then the larger stuff won’t get a look in.
Everything starts with oneself. Change you and your world changes. As you share, Anna, to make the big changes one needs to start with small ones, which initially in their context are huge and their significance should never be underestimated or ignored.
Brilliant Anna Douglass! “The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein). I had to copy this quote for it resonates with every cell in my body. It is no good in complaining or blaming, for each and every one of us can choose to discard the abuse we do to ourselves in life if we are honest enough to be willing to see it from the love we have for ourselves.
Anna, thank you for sharing this, it is important to have these articles as support for women to feel empowered to say no to abuse, its great how you have made this really practical; ‘the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.’
The statistic that one woman in Australia is killed every week is absolutely shocking but one that I have heard before but conveniently forget about it because it doesn’t directly effect me being on the others side of the world. I mean I don’t even know what the statistics for this sort of thing is in the UK. Not one person deserves to live like this and it is up to all of us to bring this subject out in the open and not conveniently forget or turn a blind eye if we are not directly involved.
Simple and powerful read Anna…when we are prepared to look at the subject and issue of abuse and start seeing it in its subtle forms as you share, like in our own behaviours, food, (self) conversation and so on, as I’ve been realising myself too, we see that the quality of abuse is present and evident in pretty much every day life and work.
“The more honouring of myself I was, even in the simplest of ways, the more I felt an inner strength and deeper respect for myself.” This is a powerful message for anyone finding a way out of living with abuse.
Thank you Anna, a much needed conversation to shake us out of our complacency. I agree, it is only when we choose to address our own self-abuse can we really begin to alter our blind acceptance of abuse in our societies. If we continue to bash our selves up, then it seems to give us permission to do that to each other and the more we normalize our behaviour, the more we allow violence to escalate. When we restore self-integrity and self-respect, we innately know that every one is worthy of love without question and it becomes of paramount importance to make this respect the bedrock of our lives.
Abuse gets normalised by the fact that people exert freely abuse against themselves in very specific forms. As a result, they do not see it as a problem. For them, it is simply a fact of life. Each bring their normalized abuse along and in this way, abuse come into relationships and people accommodate to it and learn to work around it. Abuse is an issue by and in itself. But it is also a sign of the fact that we construct jails where we are held prisoners of our own unwillingness to evolve and hence at the reach of the misery we say yes to.
“… we need to do whatever it takes to keep our country safe from a terrorist attack or threat, but if we are considering the safety of our citizens, then we need to look at what is happening in our homes every day.” yet this is so often ignored. Neighbours saying ‘it’s none of my business’, when they are aware of abuse happening to children or women locally. Your Einstein quote ““The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein)” is sadly true.
How we reached a point of where normal life is living with our heads buried in the sand? 100 years after Albert Einstein’s quote and we still haven’t learned.
When we use words often enough without truly connecting to what they mean then we diminish and belittle what is being said. Domestic Violence when stopped and felt is abuse in the physical form but we tend to gloss over this when we read it in papers or on the internet. We all need to take abuse at any level seriously it is our own lethargy and unwillingness to speak up that has led to the abuse that is prevalent throughout the world today.
Thank you for speaking up Anna, the more everyone does, especially those that have experienced abuse first hand and seen the subtle ways it can play out in their lives, and how this, if left unchecked and seen as abusive behaviour, then allows abuse to escalate and spread to other areas of their lives, such as relationships or the work place. What you offer in your blog will support others to speak out and stop the cycle of abuse that for many they feel powerless to do anything about.
It seems to me that as a society we have come to accept the smaller, more subtle, forms of abuse as normal and just turn our focus on the larger ones that sadly tend to make the front page of our newspapers. But to come to understand that the large forms of abuse have had their origins in the everyday forms of abuse that we inflict upon ourselves and that we allow into our lives from others, means that we need to start looking at abuse in a very different way than we have been. We may feel that we are too small to make a change in this abhorrent behaviour such as domestic violence, but until we begin to delete the abuse from our own lives nothing will change; any change in the world begins with changing ourselves first.
“So the antidote for abuse in my life was this self-honouring – listening to what I was truly feeling and not dismissing myself or doubting myself in any way.” That should be something we should learn from day one and our parents should be our role models for that but the truth is even they did not have role models to live like this. This is what is shocking too as we are on our way to become more and more an abusive society and most of us are closing our eyes to it.
It is true, there is in our society a harsh and cold attitude and an indifference to see what is really going on.
Perhaps one of the reason people don’t like to look at what is going on is because they don’t want to face how awful it is and how helpless they feel. However, EVERY single person can and does make a HUGE difference simply by being loving and not accepting abuse. We don’t need to go out there and change the whole world, all we need to do is start with ourselves. If we don’t do that, not only are we not supporting we are actually adding to the abuse ourselves.
Thank you Anna, it’s so necessary to talk about abuse and domestic violence, it’s seems that there is a certain acceptability if it happens in the home because it’s a family issue, but we need to take it as seriously as terrorism or other violence. A powerful line “I now know that when we stay silent or ‘keep the peace’ to avoid rocking the boat, we can end up staying in an arrangement that gives abuse a louder voice.”
What we have absolutely normalized is being less than the grandness that we are. In realizing and living our Divinity again we would not accept abuse in any form.
Indeed – any form of abuse is the opposite of growth and evolution.
Self-honouring is a great first step in addressing self abuse – beginning with the ways we self care, and this builds the foundation of self love and resilience to look abuse in the eye and say ‘No”
Some great words of wisdom “The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (Albert Einstein)
We can dedicate our entire life to stamping out abuse but if we ourselves accept abuse then we are responsible for contributing to the very abuse that we are so fervently trying so desperately to stamp out.
WOW Anna, what a wonderful piece of powerful and oh so very true and clear writing. You have put out a great call which I thoroughly support.
How ironic that most people are supposedly afraid of terrorists but the only real terrorism is what we do to ourselves and others, there is no need to look further than our mirrors. How many of us live the love we are, or even know what true love is? Love is who we are, what we are made of, the energy of the divine that is continually passing through us that we deem as the energy that brings us eternal life. The fear that we attach to is what is not love and thereby abuse is what prevails in the absence of love. Anything that does not come from the essence of who we are, that is love, is abuse. So all domestic violence starts with each of us not being who we are and thereby living the love we are.
I was shocked to discover recently at my work that I was entitled to days of ‘domestic violence leave’ each year. This illustrates to me the crazy way we distort life to canonise behaviours that are not even true, without looking at the deeper cause. Pretty soon outlandish acts become ‘a thing’ when in truth they are absolutely alien to me and you. Thank you Anna for speaking up about this rot in our society.
That is sobering to read Joseph, and you are so right when you say how “Pretty soon outlandish acts become ‘a thing’ when in truth they are absolutely alien to me and you.” Its crazy, but true. By addressing the smaller and seemingly ‘irrelevant’ acts of abuse that happen in our own lives and saying no to them, it starts to become possible to address the more sigificant and serious behaviours of abuse that go on in our society.
We have normalised abuse so much that we have accepted abuse to be an unseen part of family.
Stunning article Anna. Silence feeds abuse like sugar feeds bacteria. The way we care for ourselves is reflected in the relationships we choose.
Before abuse escalates to domestic violence or any form we deem is unacceptable, there is always a level of self-abuse and seemingly ‘normal’ and minor abuse that have been tolerated without being addressed.
It makes sense for us to address the levels of abuse around us and those which we have with ourselves, so that the extreme behaviours never get a chance to be reality. Problem today is that we have accepted more and more levels of abuse as a society, so our marker as a whole has dropped to very low levels. It makes me wonder and crave what the future holds if we continue along this path.
Anna, great sharing and so true that it is so often the bystanders that allow abuse and things to happen rather than speaking up and saying no that is not acceptable. The more we treat ourselves with the love we deserve and others equally so the more we then see anything as less than love towards another as being abuse – which is way before it becomes the extremes we now term domestic violence.
Beautifully said Anna and calling to account all of us to be responsible for the way the world currently is. It all comes back to the relationship we have with ourselves and therefore what we are willing to accept or not.
So true. The how we are and treat ourselves is our marker for how we are with others and what we accept in relationships.
Yes absolutely, the more we love and care for ourselves the more anything that is not love stands out.
As long as there is even one person that is willing to accept abuse then there can be abuse in the world.